“I Have to Choose Between My New Husband and My New Career!”
The catch? My husband just got an amazing job offer at the opposite end of the state (10 hour car ride/2 hour flight). It would almost double his salary; not taking the job is not an option. He’s also been looking for a couple years, and he couldn’t find a job in our current city. We live in a very expensive city, and he thinks it won’t be possible to live here without this next job.
He wants to come home on the weekends for a few months, and he swears I’ll be able to find a job in the new city during that time. If I don’t, I move anyway. Then after two years, we’d come back home, since this is where we want to be long-term. He says this new job will open a lot more doors for him, and he’ll easily find a job back home in a couple years.
It kills me to think of giving up my new job that I worked so long and hard for. Then to start my job search all over again and, in the process, burn a bridge with a really great organization, just to come back to this city in a couple years! I honestly don’t think I can handle it emotionally. Job-hunting is an incredibly frustrating process, especially if I don’t want to do it. I know it makes sense to “follow the money” (as my husband says) but I feel this may be too much to ask of me. I feel I have to give up so much personally.
I realize the alternative is giving up my husband, but, without a career, I’d be a very unhappy person and, therefore, a lousy wife. I want a career as much as I want my husband. He says my job is more replaceable than his, and mine doesn’t make enough money to support a family. All these things may be true…but how do I do all this without feeling resentful forever?? — Resentful New Wife
Wow, things sure are black and white in your and your husband’s world! He either takes this job or never progresses in his industry. You either stay with your new job or never have a satisfying career. You either follow your husband to his new job or your marriage is over. He takes this job and in two years has his pick of jobs in your home town. You stay at your job and get great maternity leave and the option to go part-time whenever you want. Give up any career at all, and you’ll be a lousy wife. I mean, you seem so certain about the direction each choice will take you and so sure of what choices you’ll have — or not have — in the future.
I have news for you: the things we expect or want to happen don’t always work out. You may tell your husband, “So long, go follow your dreams” so you can stay at your new job and then suddenly get laid off in a few months. Then what? Or, you may discover that that part-time option you seem to think will be available to you when you have a baby isn’t actually do-able. Or your husband might find that he hates the new job and wants to move home, even if it means giving up the huge salary. Or he may love it and never want to move home even though right now he’s saying two years, tops. Or, maybe you’ll find an even BETTER job in the city he’s moving to and then HE gets laid off and you’re suddenly the sole breadwinner. ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN.
You know what marriage is about? It’s about sticking with your partner through all of life’s uncertainties. It’s about celebrating each other’s successes, making some sacrifices, and altering plans and goals to accommodate situational changes (like new jobs, or job losses, illnesses, or deaths in the family, new babies, etc.). It’s about taking leaps of faith over and over and over and knowing that, despite the uncertainties that lie ahead, things are going to be ok for the simple fact that you and your partner are in this together.
You committed to your husband. You can’t just run away. You can’t just give up on your marriage like that. So, pull it together. Make some tough decisions. Think about how you can make this work. Talk to your bosses about what’s going on. Ask what your options are. Brainstorm. Think this through. Life is NOT black and white. There’s wiggle room in many crevices and windows in rooms where doors are locked shut, so start looking.
Life is constantly changing and as it changes — both professionally and personally — you work-life balance will shift and you will be tasked with finding your footing again. Over and over. This will not be the last time you will feel that your career is pitted against your marriage or your family. So, decide now. Are you going to be a person who shuts down when you’re thrown a curve ball, or are you going to learn how to catch it and run with it?
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.
LW, have you considered having a “long-distance” marriage for a year or two? In my field, there are a lot of married PhDs who end up in different cities or states for some period of time while they are building their careers. It’s not ideal, but it’s certainly workable (see DWs rules for long distance).
This exactly. One of my coworkers lives in my city while her husband works in Canada and flies back on the weekends. They’ve been doing it for well over a year. I imagine it’s not easy, but they make it work and seem really happy together.
I’d rather talk to my company and have a long distance JOB for a year or two. I mean, seriously, a computer can log into a network that is anywhere. If the job is more crafty (making banners, mailings, etc) well then make them and mail them. There is a way! I’d talk to the company first.
It is tough for a virtually brand new employee to work out a telecommute deal. It also is a blotch on a job record to take a dream job and quickly leave it to follow a spouse’s job. LDR for a year makes sense, if LW and husband think they can handle it. At that point, LW is in a good position to either find a new job or request at least part-time telecommute from her current employer (perhaps a deal that she spends half or even a quarter of her time in the office and telecommutes for the remainder). The company that I worked for would try to work out telecommute plans in situations like this one, but not for new employees. You had to be there long enough to earn the trust of management regarding your self-motivation/time-management skills, get to know the staff and outside contacts reasonably well, and be able to understand and interpret company/departmental rules/work methods independently. Putting in some work time while doing an LDR for a year also demonstrates the sort of employee loyalty that makes getting a telecommute deal easier.
Long distance marriages are becoming more and more common in this economy. My neighbors husband to the right of me works in another state and comes home every other weekend. My neighbors husband across the street works in another state and flies home every weekend. My own husband comes home once a month for four days and was just home for over a week. I feel like we’re back in the Army with all the husbands that are gone so much. It’s hard to find a man around to pull the ticks off the dogs.
I agree with Taylor. Long distance may be the best option, especially if there’s a train or small commuter plane available between the cities. A 10 hr drive becomes a 2 hr trip. You have to figure it out somehow and giving up either seems wrong to me. Jobs just don’t fall out of the sky and you both know that. You should both take the jobs and stay together. That doesn’t mean you have to lose the other person, that’s too extreme for this scenario unless you weren’t meant to be married in the first place.
Trains aren’t everywhere and they do not go much faster than cars.
WWS, especially with the first paragraph— I mean, damn, for the two of you, there’s just doom in every direction.
If you don’t want to give up your new career before it even starts, then don’t. I see no reason why you can’t do long distance, which, yeah, will suck, but at least neither one of you will be forced into leaving your new, great jobs. Your husband, from what you’ve written, seems a bit pushy on the issue, maybe? so talk to him. Tell him what you told us in your first paragraph, & then see if he’s still as dismissive & urgent that you move to where he’s planning to stay only temporarily, regardless of whether or not you can find a job there. That honestly doesn’t make any sense, in my opinion.
I immediately thought long distance for a couple years too. I mean, it’s two years. That’s a drop in the bucket. And Wendy’s right. You never know what’s going to happen. Like, you could meet someone, become friends, start dating, fall hard and then he could move to Colorado and you can feel yourself slide into a slow depression.
This is soooooooooooo not the letter for me today.
A colleague of mine had her own apartment in the city while she went to medical school and her husband had a job a few hours away and lived there. They made it work. Now they have 3 kids and live in the same house in the same city. Perhaps a temporary arrangement that is long distance can work out.
I actually have an aunt who was a diplomat, who married an international businessman, and they had a long-distance marriage for years. They’d spend time together when they could, but basically until she retired from foreign service, she had to go wherever she was posted, while he had to go to the places where his business was. They got through it and are still going strong. It’s not easy but it’s not impossible.
Additionally, you could ask if you could telecommute to your new job. Or even if your husband can telecommute to his. Or work out a schedule with either employer where you work in-office two weeks, then telecommute two weeks (I have a coworker who does this).
But ultimately the advice you really need to hear is Wendy’s. Because whatever you choose to do, it’s not going to be your perfect shiny vision of what your perfect shiny life was supposed to be. That’s just life. You have to figure out how to compromise — not just for the sake of your marriage, but just as a way to get through life. I do have sympathy for you because that is a tough choice to make, but you (and your husband) need to stop putting everything in absolutes and focus on thinking up REAL solutions to your problems — compromises that work a little bit for both partners, not melodramatic ultimatums like “leave your job or leave your marriage.”
I have a coworker who lives 3 states away. She comes in every 3 months or so, but emails/calls into the office regularly to keep up with everyone. Depending on the nature of the work, telecommuting can be a really viable option.
Add me to the “Long Distance” List! It’s only 2 years, and you never know what could happen in that time. You might hate your job. He might hate his job. He might get an opportunity in your town, or you go the whole 2 years, and then he moves back.
Wendy is right- there is so much that can happen, why not just try it out, and if things aren’t working for you, make adjustments as you go along?
I don’t think there is an objectively best solution here. What is important is that you can agree with your husband on what to do in a cooperative spirit. Both of you should be ready to take the other’s preferences into account. So your husband, in my view, shouldn’t dismiss the importance of your job to the degree he’s doing it right now. It’s not “clear” that you must give up your job. Also, all potential solutions should be “options” (including his turning down the new job), unless you both previously agreed that they are out of the question.
Maybe it would help to hear how other people handle this: Personally, I’ve decided that for me, longterm long-distance is out of the question. I’m willing to move for my partner, but I also expect him to be equally willing to move for me. We’re both willing to support each other financially if the other isn’t working. I would be willing to do short-term long distance, for example in order to find out which of two jobs really turns out to be awesome.
Add another vote for long distance! It’s only 2 years. It’s really not that long. Plus being long distance, IMO, extends the “honeymoon” period of a relationship which is awesome!
I was more with your husband (follow the money) up to when you said his plan is to just move back on two years. First, that’s just dumb- he’s going to make 2 years of great money and then just quit? Who does that?
If he wants to go pursue this opportunity and make you guys a bunch of money, let him go. Do long distance for those two years. If your end goal is to be where you are right now, there is no reason for you to also move if you also have a great job opportunity.
I’m getting married in a year and I think moving to a long distance relationship immediately post wedding sounds just horrible. Long distance when you are dating and building towards a potential future is one thing (I did it myself) but marriage is a time for building your family and being together. I think it’d be just so lonely to transition to long distance post-marriage (especially if you’ve never lived together before and maybe even more so if you have). LW and her husband both need to look at this situation and try not to put their own personal needs over the need to prioritize each other. Both sound a little selfish to me.
I dont think its selfish. They both just have different ideas of what is the best way to build their future. Each thinks their job is the answer (happiness + city they want to live in anyway vs money + opportunities). All answers are right and important – they just have to wiggle between them like Wendy said.
I’m probably going to start my married life on the other side of the world at least for a few weeks, possible longer, than my husband. He has a job in London, and I have to wait for it to start before I can follow (visa). we are getting married first because we want to solidify our commitment before our life gets a bit less predictable. I like what Wendy said about marriage being the constant, and the other things are choices.
Either you can handle long distance or not… I dont think its fair to state that you have to limit your options when you’ve recently gotten married as opposed to any other time in a committed relationship.
I don’t think it’s a good sign that your husband dismisses you and appears to think his opportunity is better, and that you need to move with him. But, I think this is a good opportunity to talk about problem solving between the two of you, because there are more solutions than you think right now. This won’t be the last time you two will need to problem solve something unexpected like this. It will happen again and again. If one person always gives up what they want for the other, of course there will be resentment eventually. It’s about compromise. To an outsider, it doesn’t make sense for you to move temporarily too and give up your job opportunity, if you both want to end up back in your current city. A 2 hour flight is nothing, and if you both take the jobs, it sounds like you will have the money to visit each other.
I don’t think anyone wants to have long distance in a marriage, especially such a new one, but sometimes you just have to make do temporarily. (My fiance is leaving for most of the year to go on tour with his band shortly after our wedding. It’s not ideal, but it is what it is, and it will make both of us happy in the long run, because he will be happy doing what he loves). Lots of people can and do make long distance in a marriage work, whether it’s temporarily, or for years and years. But are you willing to do that (and is your husband willing to do that) for ~2 years (which really isn’t that long for a marriage) in order to have better opportunities for the both of you afterward?
I agree with the long distance camp. You never know what will happen with either of your positions. All of the things and more that Wendy mentioned could be possibilities. I’m not a go-with-the-flow kind of person. I really like plans, but I realize that sometimes plans don’t go the way you want them to. I was with your husband on the plans until I realized he plans to move back in 2 years anyway!
I travel for my job constantly – aside from the random two-week stretch every few months, I’m mostly on the road every week, home on the weekends. I’ve been in this situation for the entirety of the four years I’ve been married, and it’s been working out for us. It’s tiring at times, and annoying at times, but it has me appreciate my husband and the time I spend with him all the more, I feel.
Communication, partnership and appreciation are absolute musts in any relationship, but are super-critical when you travel a lot for work – if you are committed to making both your marriage and careers work, you absolutely can. Take it a step at a time – re-evaluate in six months, then a year, and see how it goes.
LW, I’m with those who are saying to consider long distance. I think it has to at least be on the table. If he’s talking about doing long distance for the first few months, I think it makes sense to consider that if both of you love your jobs after those first months, it could be better to do it for longer, until you can find a compromise that allows one of you to move. My relationship has been long distance for over a year now, and while it sucks, both of us are moving forward in our careers so that we’ll have an easier time in the future building careers in the same place.
Wendy is SO right that there is no way you can predict what your situation will be like in 2 years with any certainty.
Your job or career will never have your back the way your family will. That is what your husband is – your family. I think you both need to take a step back and discuss all your options without the doom and gloom attitude. If it’s better for your family for him to take this job, don’t see that as the death knoll for your career. That’s silly – think outside the box. You always have options. Ask about telework, consider long distance, does your organization have any links to the new city? Talk about all these things with your husband… but don’t put so much weight on this ONE job. In 3 weeks, do you really know that much about your job, anyway? Why are you so sure that this is The Job that is Key to My Enduring Happiness? Keep an open mind and explore the possibilities. Besides, if you handle this situation well with your management, I doubt you will truly burn a bridge with your organization, even if you end up leaving. These situations happen all the time, and managers understand that. Make a good impression on your bosses and you may find that the door is still open when you return in 2 years.
In addition to potentially being long distance for a couple of years, could it be possible for one or both of you to work remotely? If not full time, maybe a few days a week, or a few weeks out of the month? If not right now, could it be a possibility six months, a year down the line when you’ve done more to prove yourself at your job? Most places value their employees and would rather be flexible to keep them than hire somebody completely new.
What vows did you take? Mine had something to do with better or worse, rich or poor… I’m shocked that you are considering leaving your brand new husband over a job opportunity. Why would you get married if you aren’t that committed?
I’m with the others on that long distance is an option if your husband only wants to stay there two years but to be honest if you aren’t 110% committed then putting distance between the two of you could cause you to drift apart more.
You both knew you were looking for jobs – how did you not look in the same city? Like, y’all knew you were getting married, and y’all knew you were job searching. You MUST have anticipated this problem. Did you not discuss it at the time?
And related question for DWers: Would you follow a spouse/bf/gf? Would you ask a spouse/etc to follow you? Because gf and I talk about this possibility a lot, even though we’re not married or looking for jobs right now. I think it’s an important thing to discuss and be on the same page with. I’ve told gf that I’d only follow if we were married or getting married, but I would follow, and I’d ask for spousal relocation for my job. Do y’all have these kinds of discusssions?
We had those discussions before we got married. We still have them regularly. For us it makes the most sense that I would follow him for his career because he has a much higher earning potential and is in a field where he will have to go to where the jobs are. GGuy doesn’t love that his career is a priority, but it’s what makes the most sense. (But neither of us base our happiness off of our career success, we both prioritize family/experiences over job satisfaction. So I can see how it would be different for others.)
I would follow my husband anywhere. Even if I hated it. But I don’t have a career so that is a factor. I moved from a small town to a larger city (having never lived in a city) to be with my husband when we first got together. He had already started his career and it has little opportunities to move anywhere. I was 19 and it wasn’t easy to feel so tied to a city that I didn’t choose to live in for myself but I got over it.
My boyfriend & I have talked about this, because one or both of us have always been job searching throughout the relationship. Right now he’s teaching about 30 miles northeast of where we both live, & I work about 12 miles northwest-ish. He is in his chosen field of teaching, hoping not to get let go this June (it’s his tenure year) & I’m NOT in my chosen field, looking for jobs IN my field, within the area he works so we can both move up there.
IF he gets let go in June, we’ve loosely planned to move to VA near Arlington where his friend lives (one of my friends lived there too, up until recently when she moved back here). I have no clue if we’d really do that, but he’s frustrated enough to (he got let go his tenure year when we first started dating, & if the same thing happens, I believe he’ll just leave the teaching profession or else get into it in another state) And I’m about to get hired on permanently to this job, but there’s no room for growth for me & I’m not using my skills or education here AT ALL.
But yeah, we always planned to follow each other, not ever do long distance. I couldn’t do it, personally. He could, & would want to, but I dunno.
1. I’ve told gf I wouldn’t do long-distance. Unless is it very short-term where one of us is following the other, hell no. Either we’re serious enough to follow or not. It helps that both of our jobs/careers are flexible, and our skills can apply in lots of contexts. (Plus, we’re both in the same general field, so we could potentially get spousal hire.)
2. DC Public Schools are always hiring and you should move here! There are so many jobs here, it’s sick. Plus there’s just so many young people! (Plus we could hang out.)
We’ve talked about it a little bit. If my husband were offered a very specific type of job, we’d pack up and move, no questions asked. That would be for his dream job, which would allow him to love going to work every day, and fully be living his passion. We both work jobs we like now, and wouldn’t ever move for something similar to what either of us are doing now.
Oh, and we’re never moving further north than PA. I flat out refuse.
Ross and I discuss this often, because it’s a real situation for us. We both are invested in our careers, so we know we have to find solutions that work for both of us. Right now we’re trying to find jobs in the same place, but we both know that if one of us found a dream opportunity, we would revisit the possibility of doing more long distance. Various hypothetical scenarios get talked about a lot – like, if I took a tenure-track job, it would obviously have to be somewhere with opportunities for him. Or, if he decided to go into industry, maybe he could find a job that was flexible with his work location.
This is something we talk about a lot. Even before we were engaged we planned on him moving for/with me, so I can go to law school wherever I happen to get the best offer, be it in scholarship money or school ranking, etc.
After that, if his theater career takes off (he directs) he’ll likely have to travel across the country to direct shows. I might stay put while he does that, but depending on what my law job is, I could travel around with him and work remotely. This is all very vague because we have no idea how things will pan out (and this is yeaaaars in the future), but we’ve at least established that we’re willing to relocate for each other and the most important thing for us is being together, and that we don’t want to be apart for more than a few months. I think this is really all about priorities and agreeing upon those, and then making the situations work according to those priorities as they come.
We’ve talked about it a lot too. My fiancé works in music and wants to travel most of the year and live on the road and only come back to our place for a few months of the year. In my field, it’s really common to bounce around at different studios every few years and I would love to get my business off the ground in the next few years so I can travel with him too. So in a sense I would be following him since I love my job and I don’t mind living here, but he hates it, and wants to be on the move all the time, which is also something I want, and I think it would be fun to do that together.
I thought it was strange that it seems this was never discussed between the LW and her husband. Even my recent ex and I talked about stuff like this, and we only dated for 10 months! (In fact, we had that conversation MAYBE a month in. I don’t think we were even exclusive yet, but somehow it came up in a super hypothetical way. Like, never specifically “Would you move for ME?” but “Would you move for LOVE? Under what circumstances?” and both of us were very much, “If I’m in a committed relationship and one person has a really great opportunity, I’d be down for moving to support him/her.”) I’m not married, but it seems so strange to me that something like this wouldn’t come up in conversation before marriage.
We talked about it when we were getting married, particularly because we had been in a long distance relationship for a few years prior to getting engaged. I ended up moving back to the state where we started dating for him. Luckily, I got into a grad program in the same city he was in, and it’s worked out thus far.
We have talked about potential future moves. For now, I’ve got career options in my area, if I ever decide to leave my job. However, longer term, it might be viable for me to take a job in the DC area (assuming NIH gets funding again at some point!) or in a larger city. However, Mr. Othy wants to write (He doesn’t really have any specific career goals right now, but is in school to finish his English degree), so he can do that where ever. He’s very much in the ‘follow the money’ camp.
When my bf and I were going out about six months, I went through an especially rough patch at work where I was convinced I was going to be fired any day. I told him tearfully one night that I was worried about what would happen if I didn’t get another job right away, and if I’d move back in with my parents, away from him. He just said, “[Your parents’ city] sounds cool. I’d move there.”
It was kind of simple and off-hand, but I know him well enough to know he meant it. We’ve discussed this in various ways before, and we’d follow each other. I’m also working on transitioning to a freelance/work-from-home career in writing and editing, which travels well, so for me it would be less of a big deal because I wouldn’t be looking for another FT job in the new location.
I suppose the one thing that struck me too is you write about how hard you worked to find and obtain your career, but then immediately write about how this new job will allow you to transition into “part-time” work in the future. So it appears as is, your family plans on your husband being the full-time working bread-winner of the family. Thus, if this is a question about moving to a city for career opportunities, then I would say you need to follow your husband, because it looks like you’re planning on his career supporting your family in the future.
Yeah, that’s a really good point. If you’re looking to go part-time after having kids, then you can’t exactly give up your husband, can you? Because the kids and the income aren’t going to appear out of nowhere to support you working part-time.
I’m in the think outside the box. .. long distance camp. Of course I was in an LDR for almost 6 years in my current relationship and I realize it isnt as easy fir everyone. My bigger question is why in the world does your husband think your job and presumably career are so replaceable when he plans for his job to be temporary? I dont think 2 yrs is that big of a deal, but yall need to work on your attitudes and your husband needs to stop with the dictates. This situation could be much more challenging if he planned to stay instead of leave in 2 years…
If you didnt get premarital counseling and discuss problem solving then now would be a good time to start!
I think you are all insane — suggesting long distance. I mean, REALLY? Is her dream job even THAT great?! I mean, it’s merely one of the best non-profits in the COUNTY — not country. Dream bigger. I say. Meanwhile… His job on the other hand is going to double his salary. Money. Gee, that is what you need if you are serious about raising a family. Follow the money. Simple as that. If the sexes were flipped here, I’d tell him to find another non profit job. Clearly that’s the expendable position here…
While I agree that long distance sounds like an obvious solution here, I think there’s much more to this problem than finding a short-term compromise. It’s important to really discuss one’s priorities as individuals and as a couple, and they have the chance to do that now. The discussion shouldn’t stop at “OK, we’ll do long distance then” because the same question is likely to pop up again, and it’s going to be worse if they want to start a family because at that point long distance isn’t really workable any more.
It seems to me that neither of you think you can do long distance, and that’s valid. It just might not fulfill your needs. So what do you want out of your career? What does he want out of his?
Do you want monetary stability? Do you want job security? Do you want the most opportunities, or do you want to have a high position in one field? Or do you just want a secure family life (I really get the feeling that you do not want to be a stay home mom at all, and you want to be still in the career you love while your kids is growing up)? It might be helpful when you talk it out with your husband to decide what you actually want from your job and see if either of you can get that elsewhere.
LW – leaving your brand new dream job and following your husband to a new city for a job he hasn’t even started yet is a high risk move. New jobs are often not what you think they’ll be. His new employers may fire him a month in; he may hate it and want to quit. In your position, I’d do LD for at least 6 months (and probably more) to make sure that his new job is actually going to work out before uprooting your life and quitting your job. That also gives you a chance to build relationships at your own job, so that if you do decide to follow him to the new city, you won’t be seen as a flake and will be much more likely to get a good reference. LD is annoying, but if there’s an end date, it’s survivable.
Also, your new husband comes off in your letter as a dismissive jerk. Not sure if he actually is or not, but this situation might be a good excuse for some relationship counseling to nip that tendency in the bud.
On the line about “burning bridges” with the non-profit if the LW leaves now. I guess I have a question somebody else might be able to answer :
So they are married, not just dating. I know in academia, being married to someone often means that your spouse can get a job offer just because you got a tenured-track position that requires you to move across the country. So many people in my past and current department are married to another faculty member/a secretary/someone from HR/someone on campus, because when they got offered a job, they accepted under the condition that their spouse get a job too, and then they both moved. I even know a couple that got married (after 8 years of relationship) just so they would get offers from the same place !
So I guess my question would be : if the LW can’t simply get an offer from her husband new company (I would understand that, especially if she’s from an unrelated field, this is not academia, I get that) couldn’t there be at least some sort of “understanding” from her current employer so she doesn’t burn bridges by leaving ? I mean “Sorry I have to quit so quickly, my husband has to move for work reason and so WE are moving to X city” sounds perfectly legit. It’s not “this guy I have a crush on is moving, so I’m moving too”. Would that really affect work relation and future reference ?
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Maybe I’m being overly pragmatic, but the money is what I would consider first and foremost. If your husband has the potential to make big money, then I don’t understand the anger at him taking this job. Your husband is right in “following the money” makes the most sense, and I think his plan of you staying and working and looking for a job for a few months and then moving even if you can’t find one makes sense too….And Wendy’s correct, life isn’t black and white. If you are working at a non-profit and you are newly hired….you are aware that non-profits often have limited sources and have to lay people off, and then first person on is often the first person off.
You lost your case with me at “part time.” If you plan on working part time at some point, that means you plan on your husband being the breadwinner… therefore, you should follow the money and follow his career. Ultimately, I’d like to be a SAHM (if it’s financially feasible), and because of that, I’m sure I would follow my husband (my non-existent husband) anywhere.
And yes, I know things aren’t black and white… and I understand how hard it’d be to give up a dream career… but y’all are a team, and if working part time is what you’d want to do eventually, then I think the answer is clear. Life doesn’t always work out the way we think it’s going to.
I generally agree with what’s been posted, but if it hasn’t been said yet, why does it make any sense for you to leave a great job when the intent is for you two to return to your current city? And in two years no less! Two years is nothing! It definitely makes the most sense to do a long distance relationship for a while. If in 6-12 months you’re miserable being apart, one of you will get to start job-hunting again. Set a firm deadline for when you want to have actual plans in place to be living in one place again.
I’d like to point out that they BOTH took the vows. Whatever they decide needs to be a joint decision.