Dear Miles: “I Keep Calling my Boyfriend by the Wrong Name!”
Today is my birthday (35, y’all!) so I’m taking the day off to celebrate, enjoy a little R&R and squeeze in a sonogram appointment at my OB’s office. In my absence, Miles, who is handling his new diabetic diet like a champ, by the way, has offered to guest write a few columns. Here’s one of them:
My boyfriend’s name is Steve but sometimes I accidentally call him “Larry.” For the life of me I don’t know why. I do not have any ex’s, friends or even acquaintances named Larry. My boyfriend doesn’t think this is funny and neither do I. We are both very serious people. Steve is a wonderful person and a successful chiropractor. I am going to school to become a dentist. Why is this happening to us? — Lara
Dear Lara,
There is a fly in the apartment! Over there! Wait! There! No!
I have to calm down. But I can’t. I have to go over to the scratching board and scratch it out.
I feel better. Clear headed. Calm.
I still hear the fly buzzing around but it is no longer of any concern to me. I see it. Perched on the desk lamp. I won’t chase after it. I’m not going to embarrass myself again. I’m better than that.
Dear Miles,
I’m Emjay’s cat Calvin. I showed up one day and decided I would never leave her back yard. I want to come inside, but she has a big dog who likes to chase me, so I changed my mind, and I am very happy being an outside cat.
When she comes out side, she does a special whistle that I can hear like 3 miles away, and then I come running and jump into her lap. She makes me toys and I like to catch crickets.
OH! And every time I catch a field mouse, she is soooo happy, she gives me tuna instead of cat food! Oooooo tuna! My favorite! Yum!
hey miles do you somke weed?
Are you really THE NJWeedman.com? I just read about how your legal name change to “NJWeedman.com” was denied. Talk about the ultimate in cybersquatting! It’s a fascinating case.
It does sound like he gets some primo bud in some of these letters.
Happy Birthday Wendy!
Love you Miles! My kitties go crazy over flies too 🙂 Backflips, cartwheels and all!
My name is Lilly Pad and I have an ongoing issue with my humans. The keep bringing home kittens which they declare are only here temporarily. According to him and his wife they do it to relieve the load on the workers at shelter. I hear this every year and litter after litter invade my home. Snarling and hissing do not get the message across that I’m totally not OK with this. My only option is to vacate the premises thereby forcing me to hunt small rodents for sustenance. The humans think this is cute and occasionally bring a dish of that dry crap they claim is good for me to eat on the patio. I admit the flavor isn’t bad the the texture really hard to deal with.
Getting back to the invaders, after few weeks they get all teary eyed and take them back to the shelter. This makes my day but wouldn’t you know it a few days later they come home with another litter and the whole mess starts all over again. My sisters and I have endless discussions about this. Can you believe they actually like the babies? For the moment it’s a kittenless house and I’m a happy camper. If anyone can suggest a way to avoid this next year, I’m all ears.
Lilly Pad
Thanks for fostering 🙂
Entirely our pleasure with 28 of them over the last 4 years. The last batch were 5 days old and had to be bottle feed every 2 hours around the clock. I could not have done this by myself. Lots of pictures and memories. (sigh)
Dear Miles,
Do not be bothered with flies, they are beneath you. In fact, everything is beneath you. You are a cat and therefore above everything. So find the highest spot in your home and sit there so you can look down on everything and occasionally jump on your peoples’ heads.
As for Larry, why not just make it his pet name? My peoples call me all sorts of names, such as Love Tubs, Skitters, Puddin’ Pie, etc. I answer to all of them because they all result in pets and occasionally food. I wish it was food more often. I am clearly wasting away. CAN’T THEY SEE THAT I AM WASTING AWAY?!?
Love and headbutts,
Mischief
I understand! Humans do not seem to understand the importance of giving more good. Mummy says I am too roly poly, but in fact I am actually starving every time I beg for food, even if I just finished eating.
Happy Birthday fellow Virgo!! Many happy returns.
Happy Birthday Wendy!!
My kitty goes crazy over bugs in the house too. She likes moths best. She’ll catch them, let them fly away for a few seconds, and catch them again. So mean, but so entertaining to watch!
I did this once my sophomore year in college. It was my boyfriend’s birthday too. I’d just been telling a friend about this sketchy dude “Joe” who had tried and failed to pick me up at a mixer, and was just generally sketchy. So I was telling this story and my boyfriend walks by on his way to practice and i yell across the quad “Happy Birthday “Joe”” because I’d just been talking about Joe and that’s what name came out.
I was mortified. My boyfriend thought it was hilarious.
Dear LW,
I’ve been having a lot of back pain lately because I was hunting a chipmunk (He was on.my.lawn.) and I pounced at him but I ran headfirst into the see through stuff my mommy put up to keep things out. But it doesn’t keep out daddy or the scary man Morgan brought home for a few days once, so I don’t know why they have it. Then I got embarrassed and pretended to take a bath like I meant to do that. Can your chiropractor fix me?
My Gus likes dragonflies the best. He mostly ignores other insects, but dragonflies FASCINATE him. I have to make sure he doesn’t hurt them because they’re pretty, but his cat-like reflexes aren’t very cat-like, so he’s never actually caught one.