Your Turn: “I Sent Dirty Texts To Myself to Make Him Jealous”
In a feature I call “Your Turn,” in which you, the readers, get to answer the question, I’m presenting the following letter without commentary from me:
Needless to say, I got sucked back in and believed him when he said she was nothing. Then, I started to realize he was going through my cell phone! So, I decided to save my own number into my phone (under a guy’s name) and text myself dirty messages so that he would confront me. Well, the dirty texts from myself made him look at my phone constantly. And I finally confronted him and he cried and begged me to stay with him and he told me he loved me.
Fast forward three or four months. He still wanted to be with me all the time, but he was kind of distant while we would hang out, saying rude things here and there and not being very affectionate. I had a conversation with him, he said he’d change, but then he never did. Fast forward another three months and he is saying terrible things to me, but when I get upset he tells me they are “jokes.” He once said I was going to be an alcoholic when I get older (because my mom is) and that I was too stupid to learn Spanish (his first language). And one day, I was talking about a slutty friend who had wronged me. He said, “You were probably like that before too, don’t put yourself on a pedestal.” It broke my heart, he apologized and for some stupid reason I forgave him.
I continued to be unhappy and kept telling myself I must be a horrible person if my boyfriend is treating me this way. Now, come to find out he is blaming all this on ME. He brought up all the dirty texts and I realized that he never figured out it was me. He had harbored all this hurt for months and calls me a liar now. I feel like I turned a potentially good relationship bad. He agreed we could try to get past it, but he still didn’t trust me.
I felt so mixed up and lost. So, a few weeks ago, I went out with my friend for her birthday, got way to drunk and kissed somebody else. I didn’t even remember, because I hadn’t eaten anything that day and decided to drink my worries away. My friend’s brother saw this happen and told my guy, even though they hardly know each other. So, he broke things off for good and I feel like the worst person on the face of the planet. What happened is totally NOT ME, but apparently he thinks I am some kind of slut. It was just a kiss! And I feel like I was taken advantage of! I was too drunk to know what was going on! I have apologized a million times, but he just keeps saying I am a liar and I broke his heart. I can’t help but feel like I am a horrible person for everything that has happened and I’m not sure how to get over this. Help1 — Out of (Con)text
Huh??
Wow… Read it again… I won’t even try to follow the timeline. I think the LWs should at least include the range of their age, because sometimes it REALLY matters…
As for the one above, you sound really confused and miserable. While you are in that state it is impossible to make good decisions. So you have to eliminate the source of your confusion and misery, i.e this relationship. Unless you secretly (and maybe at this point, unconsciously) enjoy your current predicament, avoid ALL contact with this guy.
Do things that you enjoy and are good at. Just concentrate on hanging out with your friends, learning to love and appreciate yourself and generally being a young, single and happy person.
And please, take this seriously. You are in no state or condition to date right now.
Oh, and seriously consider therapy… You sound like you’ll need it sooner or later…
I so agree with you on this! Just an age range woudld be so helpful. We could then tailor our comments to that specific age category. My advice would probably be the same either way, but I couldn’t bring myself to re-read it.
“Oh, and seriously consider therapy… You sound like you’ll need it sooner or later…”
That sounded seriously condescending. While i agree with you, that could have been said more respectfully.
Compared to a lot of other responses, mine is actually has a pretty neutral tone 🙂
Ok, I’m going to break things down reaaaaaaaaal simple.
Step 1: Are you sure you were ever really dating this guy?
Step 2: You were? Ok, well, break up with him. STAT!
Step 3: Graduate high school.
Step 4: Be single for a while. Like a good long while. this guy was no good, you got tangled up in him in all the wrong ways. You need to take a beat, figure out what you really want right now (it’s ok if you want to casually date, but it sounds like drama follows you around, so I’d think it’s safer just to swear off men entirely). If this guy is any example, your man-radar is broken and you need to fix it before you can be happy in a relationship.
Step 5: Next time, have the exclusive talk with the guy BEFORE you sleep with him. Or at least the “Where is this going” talk.
To me it sounds like she created just as much drama as he afflicted her with…
Agreed. I can’t believe all the convolution…
Oh yeah. I completely agree. But especially with people who cause drama, if you tell them that they’re the problem, they won’t listen to anything you say. Gotta sugarcoat things so they’ll get through. If she takes enough time off from dating, maybe she’ll grow up enough to realize it.
Definitely. No awards for martyr here.
Stop dating…now…
Stop dating *him*, or stop dating *period*? I’m an advocate for both.
haha – both – LW clearly has no idea how to recognize or conduct a healthy relationship.
Um, ok, LW. I’ve done stupid things for guys. I have, so I get it. I understand wanting to do anything, crazy things, to make it work.
But I really think that after all of this it’s time to just let it end.
When you have to work THAT hard, at THAT level of manipulative behavior (hello- a fake sexter??), you have to accept that it’s not worth it. It’s not worth you feeling guilty and miserable.
Let him go. It will hurt for a while, yes, but eventually you will be glad you did.
In total agreement. When I did something along these lines (under the age of 20), I removed myself from the entire social circle. Yes for months I was lonely, but I started fresh with no shannigans in the friendships I made.
But you are a liar. You sent text messages TO YOURSELF specifically to make him jealous. You’re also incredibly (in the dictionary sense of the word) manipulative.
He sounds like quite a catch as well. Unless you’re actually addicted to the drama, just stay away from each other.
Stay single!
were you exclusive when he went on this date. did he go on more than one? why would you send yourself text messages? isn’t that a lot of effort? and i dislike when people blame their mistakes on being drunk. yes you probably don’t remember and you were probably too drunk to be kissing anyone, BUT you drank those drinks. they were your actions, take responsibility for them. i think you need to learn to be single and that causing drama doesn’t fix anything before you try dating again.
In LW’s defense, drinking your worries away usually works like gangbusters.
so if you’re drinking your worries away you’re not responsible for your actions? i’ve had plenty of drinks and been to plenty of parties and done my fair share or drinking too much. but, i take responsibility for every stupid thing i might have done while drunk. which the LW needs to do too.
Oh, sure, a sarcasm detector would be SUCH a useful invention. 😉
hah sorry i guess i get a little too annoyed with this issue!
I think you forgot *amiright* 🙂
Honey – what you are dating is an emotional/mental abuser. He would have found something else to blame on you for his behavior. You didn’t do this – he did. Trust me, I know what I’m talking about. He is manipulating you into thinking that his behavior is your fault. He chooses his reactions, he chooses his behavior. Period. The only thing you choose is whether or not to accept what he does. Stop accepting the fact that he will continue to treat you like a fucking doormat.
Do yourself a huge favor and get out of the relationship and never look back. Do not go on a date for “old time’s sake”, do not spend one second alone with this guy (believe me on this one, once the grip of control is gone, you never know what will happen), and always keep copies of emails, texts, etc from him in case you need documentation for restraining orders. Be polite, be calm, but never ever allow yourself to stoop to anything that can be called into question in court later. When in doubt, don’t do it. Period.
Yes, what you did was wrong, but he should have gotten over it months ago and shouldn’t be punishing you for it with poor manners and verbal abuse. That’s not “manly” behavior. Thats a little boy with an even tinier penis in an adult’s body.
Good luck to you, and I hope you move away from childish behavior yourself so you can find a real man the next time around.
Um it sounds like she’s just as much as user and abuser as he is. She started playing games and when he reacted to those games she freaked out. In no way should all the blame be placed on him.
Yes they are BOTH childish and need to separate and grow up but she also needs to take responsibility for her actions.
Wow, this does not sound like it was in any way a healthy relationship on so many levels:
1. you thought you were exclusive, he thought it was cool to date someone else
2. he also thought it was cool to go through your phone
3. you tried to manipulate him instead of communicating that you didn’t want him going through your phone
4. over many months you never managed to communicate well enough to tell him it was you, and he never managed to communicate well enough to tell him the sexts were still bothering him
5. you let him say awful things to you, and allowed yourself to believe that you deserved it.
Move on, and be single for awhile. Spend time working on communication skills, self-respect, and what you want in a relationship. You are not a horrible person. You just need to introspect a bit, and maybe do some growing up.
What…the what? This is a huge rat’s nest and I don’t even know where to start, but it doesn’t sound like either of you are happy or functioning in a normal, healthy manner, so you should probably spend some apart, if not break up
1) Break up with the guy. You’ve both done too much damage to each other to try to work it out.
2) Grow up.
3) See number 2.
Yeah… I think this one’s over. Cut your losses, move on, and learn from your mistakes.
So many things wrong here. He shouldn’t have been snooping in your phone, but sending fake texts like that is setting yourself up for failure. How old are you guys? I hope you’re really young, because jeez.
There’s no trust, no communication, no mutual respect, and lots of game playing. And he’s going on dates (as a favor? They didn’t know any single people?) with another girl? This is not a good relationship. It sounds like you both really just need to mature before either of you has any hope at a healthy relationship. The damage has been done, and I honestly can’t see why you’d even want to make this one work.
On a side note, he accuses you of becoming an alcoholic. It’s unclear if that was just a cheap shot out of anger because of your mother, or if there have been incidents other than the one you mentioned. I think we’ve all (drinkers at least) have had a night or two that’s gotten out of hand – it’s not something to be proud of, but I know I’ve had my own embarrassing nights – but all without judgement, you may want to keep an eye on that. Alcoholism does run in families, especially when it’s something you’ve grown up with.
Thank you for mentioning the genetic (and environmental) component of alcoholism. LW, while the way he said it was way out of line, you should at least take a small part of it: you are FAR more likely to become an alcoholic if you have a family member who has struggled with it and even more likely if that person lived in the same house with you.
Yes, people get drunk and sometimes so drunk that they are a bit fuzzy, but flat out not remembering what you do while intoxicated is dangerous. And the fact that it doesn’t even seem to bother you is a little more worrisome. To be honest, I wouldn’t worry so much if you just said it was all unclear, but you said you don’t remember. At all. That is NOT good.
And, just because you were drunk does not excuse your actions. While I agree this guy is bad news, I think you were still very much contributing to the problems (ie the fake sexting and kissing some random dude). How is it not ok for him to go on a date with someone else (for whatever strange reason) but ok for you to kiss some guy just because you were drunk? Try to walk into a court and say “your honor, its not my fault I committed X crime, I was drunk!” and see how far that gets you. Unless someone held you down and forced you to drink on threat of your life (or drugged you in your drink), its not going to cut it.
I have to look at context here. Yes, alcoholism runs in families, and she is already a drinker, associating with drinkers, and has at least one black-out by her own admission (she claims to have not remembered the kissing incident) after drowning her sorrows in booze. She has many of the precursors for alcoholism. The thing is, he said it during a cutting remark/put down. That says a lot. He didn’t bring it up in the context of a potential eye-opening intervention, but as a way to cut her to the core and make her feel miserable about herself so he could feel better about HIMSELF because if we are to believe his excuse (that she says he said), he was hurt about the faux sext messages.
To me, it’s obvious that at the time of the “don’t put yourself on a pedestal” remark, he wasn’t concerned about her drinking, he was more concerned with cheap shots at her self-esteem. Granted, the girl does need to re-evaluate her own life and self-worth if she thinks that him walking out of her life is a tragedy.
that’s kinda the point i was trying to make too. it sounded more like a cheap shot, but then again if this happens regularly, it may have been a cheap shot coming from a legitimate place. or should could be 16 and doing what all the “cool kids” do. could be both. either way, it’s not healthy, and a little self-awareness goes a long way.
Totally agree about alcoholism. I have the gene in my family. They way you can tell if you have the gene is that most of the regular population will pass out when drinking too much and alcoholics will Black out like you described. I learned in College that I black out and you have to watch it. But in this one letter, you have told us that it runs in your family, that other people are commenting, and you have examples of it affecting your life in very profound ways. Look into yourself here and take the blame for your actions because that is all you can change moving forward.
I’ve never heard about that “test,” and, honestly, I don’t believe it’s true. However, even if it has no basis in science, you do bring out a good point. Don’t drink till you black out. And alcoholism is based in genetics and environmental factors–and LW has both.
I don’t believe that’s true either. Mostly because my family is full of alcoholics, and I pass out instead of black out.
http://pubs.niaaa.nih.gov/publications/arh27-2/186-196.htm
Here is the link. But if you google the two, you will find tons of information. Just because you have a family of it, does not mean you have the gene. It is like having red hair. It is the same thing that just because you have the gene, doesn’t mean you can’t stop after one drink. It means you will have a harder time and that is where environment comes in. There is alot we are still learning about the genes and it isn’t without critics. Hope that is helpful
See, I thought the LW’s “I didn’t eat so I blacked out” made perfect sense with my experiences with blacking out. I’m someone who passes out well before I black out when I have too much to drink, but there have been I believe two occasions when I blacked out, and both were when I was drinking on an empty stomach for various reasons.
For those without time to read the study posted, I just did, and while it clearly suggests a genetic vulnerability to blackouts, it doesn’t necessarily link it to the “alcoholic” gene. It also notes a number of other factors that make someone more likely to black out, some of which are also behaviors typically exhibited by alcoholics, but also sometimes by non-alcoholics (read: college students and high schoolers who have discovered cheap vodka). It was very interesting, thanks for posting it.
I think you should totally back away from this guy, because he’s bringing out all sorts of ugly behavior in you. Keep your arms, hands, lips and phone to yourself at the moment. Aspire yourself to be a better person and start being with people who can bring that out of you – not those who make you think that a fake sexter is a good idea and that going on a drinking binge without any food in your stomach is a better one.
If you haven’t signed up for Al-Anon/Alateen yet, see if you can – they’re wonderful with helping families with alcoholics cope with their relative’s alcoholism. Your “boyfriend’s” comment, although highly insensitive, is also a pragmatic observation based on the family histories of other alcoholics. Enjoying a good time drinking with friends may not make you a candidate for alcoholism, but the fact that you do have a family history AND that you currently drink to the point that you black out to forget your troubles along with behavior you can’t explain/remember is concerning.
It doesn’t hurt to visit – and it may also help you recognize potential symptoms of these self-destructive behaviors you’re currently doing. I’m not talking only of drinking to the point that you black out and can’t explain your behavior – creating a sexter in order to make someone your interested jealous so that they stay in your life? That’s pretty self-destructive LW, and if you knew better, you shouldn’t have done it.
I am going to direct this letter to your teenage self, because if you are any older than 18 my head will explode at just the thought of the convoluted, immature mess that is this relationship. So, here’s my advice. Stop dating. Period. Stop drinking. Period. Seriously, from the sounds of this letter, you’re not old enough to do either. And just in case you are older….stop dating, stop drinking. Period.
You’re not a bad person, I promise. You’re just insecure, and you have come growing up to do.
I agree with others that you need to be single for a while but remember this… If you have to “try” to make a guy like you, whether trying really hard to impress him or resorting to underhanded tactics to make him jealous, he is not the right guy for you and he is not worth your time.
Never value somebody else more than you value yourself. You are a good person. You deserve love and attention and commitment. The right man will like you for YOU, just the way you are. So stop playing games to try to snag or keep a guy.
Thank you for this. You said exactly what I wanted to but couldn’t because of the horrific ice cream headache this letter gave me. I was rendered speechless (and a little snarky), but I’m all gooder now!
I’m all gooder now…love it! Also, loved the advice MissDre.
Haaa! I’ve been saying this for years now, and recently an orange juice commercial appeared & someone said this very word! I’m screaming at the tv “that’s MY word! “They stole my word!” My kid thought I had gone loopy.
If it helps, I’m pretty sure I invented the car lighter adapter with a USB port, but someone else manufactured it before I had the chance.
Hahahah!!! Damn them!
“Never value someone else more than you value yourself” -If I recall correctly that was your relationship lesson in the reader of the week column!- Keep passing on the wisdom, girl!
This one’s not worth saving at all. Be glad you’ve been dumped and next time wait until you KNOW you are monogamous before you sleep with a man.
This sounds like one of those college “relationships” that in 10 years you’ll look back on and realize that you never even knew your boyfriend’s last name! Seriously.
If you have to SEXT YOURSELF to make your boyfriend jealous within the first few months of your relationship, I can tell you with 100% certainty that this is not a relationship that has any bit of potential to go the distance. Seriously.
Delete his # from your phone. Don’t drunk dial him or drunk text him. Move on and have fun as a single girl for a while.
College?? I hope not..
It could be college…
College is a time where kids have the most independence they’ve ever had up to that point, coupled with the least amount of responsibility (assuming dorm living, parents paying for shit). It’s a recipe for trouble.
You couldn’t see a college freshman or sophomore in this situation?? I totally could!
Don’t forget to delete the fake number too. Otherwise, you might end up drunk sexting yourself…again…
Boy would that be awkward…
Yes, you ruined the relationship.
But, that’s not all bad because it wasn’t a very healthy relationship in the first place.
I agree with the others here who are encouraging you to break things off permanently with this guy and be single for a while.
I also agree fully with SGMcG’s advice to seek out Al-Anon/Alateen for some counseling for yourself as both the daughter of an alcoholic and a person with a potential drinking problem. (It really isn’t healthy at all to become so drunk you wind up kissing someone and not remember it.)
Listen, all relationships, good or bad, bring something to the table we call life. You’ve been given some information about yourself through this relationship, that you are too willing to resort to manipulation, too willing to put up with someone who treats you badly and too willing to place blame on something other than your own choices. Take this all to someone who can help you sort through it and you can certainly come out of this experience better, stronger and much more ready for a relationship built on mutual respect and esteem.
Extra points for creativity! Sexting yourself, amazing. That is not something I’d ever heard of before. Wasn’t it weird thinking of what to write?
Sorry, no advice here. Seems everyone, nice and snarky, has it covered.
me neither, and I am a little technologically inept, but how the heck do you do that? I mean, she said she saved her own phone number in her phone under a guy’s name, but does the bf not recognize her phone number? Presumably he calls and texts her from time to time…maybe I missed something, but that confused me too. Among many other things.
To be fair- I don’t know my bf’s phone number. I saved it in my phone when we first started dating and rarely look at it.
I used to not know mine either, but then one day a few weeks after we moved in together (in a new town) I went out on a run, got lost and realized that I had no way to call him for help! I learned his number the next day 🙂
Same here. I didn’t know his number for a year of dating but one day I thought I locked myself out of my house and my bf was the only one with a key (well my mom has one but she lives in another state). After finding out I luckily left the back door unlocked, I memorized his number ASAP and gave a friend that lives only a mile away a key so I have a backup plan and don’t have to break into my own house.
Well #1. I’ve been with my bf for a year and a half and I definitely don’t know his number or recognize it because I’ve never had to dial it. I just select his name from my contacts.
and #2. Once you save a number in your phone under a name, the number no longer shows up when you get a call/text, just the name. You’d actually have to select the name and look up contact information to see the number (at least on most phones). So he probably just saw dirty text from “Joe” or something.
I think it depends on the phone, because if I receive a call it shows both the number, and the name.
all good points. when my husband and I first moved in together, he was horrified that all I knew him as was #4 on my cell phone. he insisted I memorize his number in case there was ever an emergency and I either didn’t have my phone or it didn’t work. sound advice. I have actually had to call him from a land line a few times when my cell wasn’t working.
Also, if you text yourself, it comes up twice, once as receiving and once as sending. I’m not quite sure how she managed to have it only come up once. (I will admit, I have texted myself before, but completely by accident, as everyone in my family has the same 6 digits and I just went into autopilot.)
She probably deleted the sent messages after she “received” them so it looked like they came from somewhere else. I still have a dumb phone (because I’m afraid to get one that’s smarter than me) so the sentbox is separate from the inbox and I can delete my sent messages separately.
Or her boyfriend’s not the brightest bulb in the tanning bed and didn’t check her sent messages?
Wendy, you always put the craziest letters in the “Your Turn” section!
LW, stop drinking, break up with your boyfriend (or what ever he is), and spend some time growing up. It sounds like you have some baggage (an alcoholic mom for one) and are going to need to do some work on yourself. Your statements “I hadn’t eaten anything that day and decided to drink my worries away.” and “I was too drunk to know what was going on!” are major red flags. You seem to be on a very bad path of self-distruction. Take a break from drinking and relationships…take some time to get yourself to a good place.
The strangest part of this letter was when you say ” feel like I turned a potentially good relationship bad.”
When was this a good relationship? When you were crazily suspicious of him for taking out a coworker’s daughter? Either the guy is a normal good guy and you totally over-reacted, or he’s a guy who shouldn’t be trusted, and your wariness was right on. Either way: not a good relationship.
[I’m also confused when you say “He told me he was just doing it as a favor to a coworker (the date was with her daughter), so, I started acting like I didn’t care and hanging out with my friends and just trying not to worry about him. Needless to say, I got sucked back in and believed him when he said she was nothing.”
What does “acting like you didn’t care mean? does that mean acting like you don’t care that he’s going on the date basically platonically even though you do and continuing in functioning relationship? Or is that a weird coded way of saying that you acted like you didn’t care about the relationship or him going out with other girls, and that you pretended that you were ok with being in a casual relationship, rather than a committed one? I just don’t understand what “Needless to say, I got sucked back in” means in the first context, and the latter seems like a really strange/immature way to handle the situation]
Anyways. He said she meant nothing and you believed him. But he went through your phone. So you pretended boys had texted you. Was this in retaliation for him going out with the other girl, or for going through your phone? or just jealous in general? Either way, not a good relationship.
Fastforward: distant, clingy guy who’s mean to you and unhappy you. Not a good relationship.
Next: You blame yourself for him treating you bad. But then you are contradictorily incredulous when he also blames you. Bad on him for blaming you, bad on you for blaming you. Not a good relationship.
You go out and kiss someone else, and he breaks up with you, possibly calling you a slut. Good for him for ending this trainwreck of a relationship. Bad on you for blacking out. Bad on him for calling you a slut. Bad on you for pulling the “taken advantage of” card for kissing some dude while drunk at a bar (might be different if you were in private with the guy, but if that was the case, then i’m guessing it wasn’t “just a kiss.”)NOT A GOOD RELATIONSHIP.
There was no point when this was a good relationship. You didn’t “ruin” a good thing; though you did act pretty freaking wacky and really need to get that behavior in check. The good news is that if he was a good guy, the rest of the relationship would have gone entirely differently. But he’s not. So no big loss! YAY!
This is what I was thinking. Where was there ever even the potential for this to be a good relationship?
Was it the part where he started seeing someone else? Or the part where you started trying to manipulate him into possesive jealousy? Or wait, was it the part when he started snooping through your phone? How about when he started saying horrible things that made you feel bad about yourself and then blaming YOU for not getting his mean spirited “jokes”? Maybe it was when you got so blindingly drunk you made out with someone else in public?
Neither one of you behaved like maure adults (maybe because you aren’t adults, I don’t know). But count this as a big, BIG learning experience and be glad to have rid yourself of this supposed relationship. Now take some time to get your head together and grow some self-worth so that you don’t feel the need to play games in the future and can recognize when a guy is being an asshat. Hopefully the next time a guy tries to treat you like that, you’ll kick him to curb immediately instead of sticking around for more.
“you did act pretty freaking wacky and really need to get that behavior in check. The good news is that if he was a good guy, the rest of the relationship would have gone entirely differently. But he’s not. So no big loss! YAY!”
This is awesome.
Congrats LW, you have managed to fit a record number of relationship problems into one year-long relationship. And they all pretty much boil down to extreme immaturity. I’m sorry but all I can really say is that you need to be alone and you probably need some therapy.
I re read the letter and I’m calling fake. I honestly can’t believe this is serious.
Jersey shore anyone? Ron and Sam?
No? Just me?
*crickets*
Don’t judge me!
Haha.
OMG this cracked me up!
LW I think you are being a little hard on yourself with this. Yes you acted like a child by sending yourself those sexts, but that is still no reason for this guy to treat you the way he did. If it really bothered him that bad he should have just broken up with you. I think you should be lucky that the very dumb, and childish thing you did worked out this time, because it showed you what a complete donkey this guy is. Also you need to take responsibility for kissing that other guy it doesn’t matter if you were drinking or not. The alcohol just let you do what you probably wanted to do anyways. So I say call this guy back tell him that you don’t want to reconcile with him, and then be single for a while, and have some fun. When you do get another boyfriend you need to put your foot down, and have trust at the same time (if that makes sense to anybody haha). So no more fake texts, because the next time it could fuck things up with a guy worth dating.
I have to disagree. Acting in a childish, bratty, secretive, skulky, bitchy way absolutely gives him the right to treat her the exact same way. You don’t get to act like a jackass to someone and demand to be treated like a lady. She had it coming. And I don’t care how old she is, manipulation is never cute and it’s never a good idea. It might get you what you want short term, but it makes you look like an asshole.
Sorry for the rant. This one bugged me.
Actually the letter says the her boyfriend did not know that she was sending the text messages to herself, so he was acting like a jackass on his own accord. He was simply reacting to text messages that he thought was coming from another guy, and if that bothered him he should have dumped her, he shouldn’t have kept dating her and treating her like trash because he thought some other guy was after her, especially since he was taking other girls out on dates.
I mean if really look at it this guy was the one that actually treated her that way first by taking another girl out to “Help Out” a coworker after dating somebody for three months. Nobody says she was asking to get treated like a lady, but if this guy actually loved this girl, and wanted to move past the text messages than he should definitely treat her better than he did.
That aside though you are saying that if someone you are dating is acting like a childish, and secretive brat that you would stay with this person just to get back at them, and treat them badly? So much for taking the high road, I personally would walk away and get myself out of that situation. I’m not going tolerate being treated like that, and I’m not going to sink down to someone else’s childish level.
Okay, but she did stay with him through his mean behavior. I’m saying that if someone’s acting like a brat on a continual basis and you don’t leave, don’t complain about it. No, I certainly wouldn’t stay with someone just for a chance to get back at them. I’m trying to say don’t complain about the way you’re being treated, do something about it. But also, don’t act like a child and wonder why things aren’t going well. I think you and I agree on this one, Bagge72, I’m just not good enough with words to come across that way.
I literally couldn’t even get past half of the letter, so I’m not really sure what your question is. So, in summary, I suggest:
– Break up, if you haven’t already.
– If you have broken up, don’t get back together.
– Work on your self-respect and avoid the type of guys that treat women like this.
– Gain some maturity and not lower yourself to a level that is indicative of this behavior in yourself.
– Other words of wisdom: Time is money. Always wear clean underwear. Winners never quit and quitters never win. Nothing good happens at 2 a.m.
I agree with everything you said, except that good things do happen at 2 a.m. Especially in college.
I know – that one was a joke to see if anyone really was paying attention. 😉
(Although, I have heard that one before, but I disagree with it, too.)
I’ve heard it a lot and can actually vouch for it in the context of being out past 2 am….that usually means I’ve drank enough to do something I regret the next morning / day….
Now getting home and having some mutual drunk sexy time at 2 am…. that’s a whole nother ball-o-wax.
I should have clarified that now – as a mom – I will impart that saying to my kids, regardless of whether I felt it was accurate for me when I was younger. 🙂
It’s a whole HIMYM episode, nothing good happens after 2 am. Just go home.
Unless your name is Barney
Ummm – What????
Is this the reboot of “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolfe”?
Wow. Um, just, wow.
I don’t even know what to say to this, except that it’s more twisted than my favorite rollercoaster at Cedar Point.
Some thoughts, upon a second reading:
1. Acting. Acting in relationships is *BAD*. You had to act like you don’t care if he dates other women (you do), he has to act like she’s nothing so he can string you along (she’s not), you have to act like you have a freaking sexter in your back pocket (you don’t…actually, you do, but not really…), and he gets to act like he doesn’t care about it (he does) and he hasn’t done anything wrong (he has). Maybe, I don’t know, cut the crap? If you feel like you have to put on an act for a guy, then he’s not the guy for you.
2. Gaslighting: A term I recently discovered, wherein someone provokes an emotional response from you, you react appropriately, and then they tell you you’re crazy and overreacting to nothing, sometimes going so far as to play the victim themselves. If you look it up in the dictionary, your ex-boyfriend’s picture is next to this word.
3. There is nothing, *nothing* even “potentially” good about this relationship. Let that thought go right now. Shoo it out the nearest window and let it return to the wild. You didn’t turn a good relationship bad, it sucked from the beginning. Thus, you can’t possibly have ruined it.
4. If he said that he’d try to get past it, then said that he doesn’t trust you in the same breath, you’re doomed. I understand that some people need time to repair trust, but your ex here has shot that horse before it left the gate. He doesn’t trust you, he will not trust you, he has no reason to start trusting you again (if he ever did in the first place) and if he says anything else he’s talking out of both sides of his mouth. See above: gaslighting.
Finally, I’m with everyone else: no, you can’t salvage the relationship. No, it would not be healthly to try. Yes, you can get through this. I know you can. You are not by nature a horrible person and you can be happy if you strive for it and accept help from others. Consider therapy, it is not a dirty word.
Good luck, and best wishes.
All I could think about while reading this was gaslighting!!
Good grief this is a mess, and you only have yourself to blame unfortunately. If you have to resort to manipulation, which is messed up enough, and then you in turn get burned by said manipulation then I don’t see how you can miss the glowing EXIT sign in front of you. I didn’t read one good thing either of you did for each other, and your desperation saddened me. I get the feeling you are young,so you gotta take the hits, learn from them and move on. The important thing here is the learning part, you can’t continue to repeat such behavior that demeans yourself so much. Learn..move on…do not rinse and repeat. Use it as your guide for what not to do and what not to put up with next time, you have plenty of time to build your self esteem and get yourself in a healthy relationship if you are willing to work at it. Nothing stinks more than desperation and it will never yield the results you are looking for.
1. Stop drinking.
2. Stop playing dumb tricks and mind games to make people jealous.
3. Stop lying.
4. Stop dating assholes.
5. Stop dating. Until you get therapy.
6. Stop creating drama.
7. Grow up.
In addition to all the other unhealthy crap you two have going on and the singular confusion in your ability to tell a story clearly, consider this:
Some cultures allow/encourage males to believe they are superior to women and this guy sounds like he may have grown up in one such. MOA. Run. Now.
I think you’re getting exactly what you signed up for – a lot of chaos, game playing, and over the top nonsense. Once you decide you want better for yourself – emotionally, physically, romantically, and honestly – you’ll get it.
Do you want to be a responsible grown up, or do you want to keep playing middle school games with your life?
Time to make a choice – decidedly – and stick with it.
I would just walk away from this one.
Start over without him, without the guilt, without the pain. You beating yourself up over it gets you nowhere. Just walk away.
Um, what?
Frankly, nothing about this relationship dynamic sounds healthy or grownup. NOTHING. If this is a pattern that the LW finds herself repeating, she needs to get her head checked out.
Actually, she could probably do with getting her head checked out now. and a good dose of single.
Not to sound harsh, but please do us all a favor and remove yourself from the dating pool for another five years. We don’t need game-players and drama-makers mucking things up u out there.
oh my god. Ok here’s what is going on….
1) You two should have never dated because you both are clearly too immature for a relationship. He has trust issues by going through your phone. He’s a jerk for going on a date with someone else if you were actually dating at this point. You are immature for playing mind games and texting yourself (Um…who does that?)
2) You are NOT a horrible person. He is emotionally and verbally manipulative. He is making you feel this way so that he can have control over you. Oh yeh, keeping tabs on your phone and making you feel worthless….that’s controlling behavior if you didn’t know already.
3) Take the fact that this guy dumped you for forever as a good sign. You two are toxic together.
I’d say they were both jerks – him for going on a date and her for kissing on another dude even if she was drunk.
Thank goodness. I haven’t bothered reading or commenting lately because the problems have been pretty straightforward. That gets boring. These are the kind of trainwrecks I read advice columns for!
Agreed!
I love the trainwreck letters! (Although, I really shouldn’t be rejoicing in other people’s pain… )
I’m baffled about why you’re surprised that he’s blaming you for it. He might have agreed to go on a date with someone else in the beginning (which I’m guessing was when you two hadn’t officially established exclusivity), but you said it was okay and didn’t talk about it like a mature adult. He would logically assume you were okay with it, and that he didn’t do anything wrong if you didn’t bring it up.
Next, if he saw dirty texts in your phone, he would logically assume they were from someone else. You know, because he probably assumed his girlfriend wasn’t totally nuts. I have rarely been this baffled by a letter coming in to Dear Wendy. Stop creating extra drama. If you want your relationship to work, then you have to treat it like a relationship and talk crap out. If you don’t like something, don’t pretend it’s okay and then expect him to spontaneously know that it wasn’t. A relationship isn’t a place to try to compete with each other over who can hurt who the most. It’s not about pay back. I’m not going to advise that you break up with him, because he needs to break up with you.
“If you don’t like something, don’t pretend it’s okay and then expect him to spontaneously know that it wasn’t. A relationship isn’t a place to try to compete with each other over who can hurt who the most. It’s not about pay back.”
Yeah.
The only thing that kept popping up in my head as I read this was “Hot. Mess.” Girl, you don’t want to be “that girl.” You know, the hot mess who sexts herself so her immature boyfriend will get jealous? You know, that girl who clings to a relationship where her boyfriend is constantly hurling insults at her? That girl who is so insecure that she can’t even recognize when she’s in a shit-tastic relationship, and blames all of the problems on herself, when there’s equal blame to be placed on her loserly boyfriend?
You’re “that girl” right now. You reverse this by breaking up with your boyfriend, and by realizing that a healthy relationship doesn’t consist of someone hurling insults at you, someone who goes out on dates with other people “as a favor” to someone else, and surely doesn’t consist of you fabricating affairs to get him to notice you. Shouldn’t he be noticing you without that much effort?
Get out of this thing before this hot mess becomes a nuclear mess! And definitely consider how you can behave more maturely, and seek out more mature mates, in the future.
I have a serious and condescending question. Are you a teenager? Because while the games you’re playing and the drama that’s going on would be absurdly childish even if you were say, 15, it’s downright ridiculous if you’re around your mid-twenties or older.
You know what bothers me about this letter more than anything? The repeated deflation of yourself over some idea of slutiness. Stop loathing yourself for making a mistake and kissing a random guy while drunk, and while you’re at it stop judging other women for their sexual behavior. Your ex sounds like a mean jerk (bc seriously fuck him for saying what he said about your mom), but perhaps the only true thing he did say to you is to get off your high horse about someone other woman’s sex life. And this brings me to the problem in your relationship: you both have a shitty outlook on how women should behave sexually and emotionally. You’re playing right into the stereotypes he believes about women and then beating yourself up for being that way.
Cut it out. Value yourself more. Stop giving stupid guys like him false justification to act all hurt and martyred by “crazy” exes who are “sluts.” Just stop it. And stop feeling sorry for yourself and acting like you have no control over your actions. You knew somewhere deep down that you were behaving self-destructively when you texted yourself and when you got so hammered that you couldn’t remember cheating on your boyfriend. Take a step back and evaluate who you are as a human being and where you’re going as one. And for God’s sake do it as a single woman.
Yeah, I’m kinda surprised no one else picked up on the “complaining about a slutty friend ” thing. LW, just, no.
That’s one of my few major buttons, right up there with all the -isms and the people who think that being a feminist means you have to be a man-basher too. (And never do dishes. What, don’t you eat the food?) Being a woman DOES NOT give you the right to pass judgement on other ladies. And none of that “reclaiming the word slut” crap. You meant it exactly the way everyone else has ever meant it – cut it out.
And after that rant, the rest can be summed up with: Neither one of you have done a single good thing for this relationship. You have not done a single good thing for each other. Move on.
This letter was great, because I went to bed last night being like, “OMG, lk, why-in-the-world did you just send 6 emails in a row to him?!?!? HE THINKS YOU’RE CRAZY NOW.” But now I feel shockingly good about the whole situation : )
Also, LW – this guy is controlling & manipulative — so are you. Talking to a professional counselor/therapist will really help you sort out what wasn’t working in this relationship so that you can move on & eventually have a relationship based in mutual trust & affection.
me too! though i still feel like a moron.
LOL…. I’m at home listening to dubstep & having a glass of wine feeling still a little crazy… He did respond 15 min after my last email, but I only came across it this morning… I literally had nightmares about it : /
I know you’re living alone right now, & just wanted to say that I assume at times it totally sucks for you & it is sucking big time right now for me : ) haha, maybe that will make you feel better? It makes me feel better to think that sharing my feelings might help someone else? Have a great night!
Honestly, that does make me feel better. And something must have happened about 3 days ago, because i haven’t been able to sleep more than a couple of hours since then, and that’s not me at all. Eventually I gave up at 4am this morning, took a shower, made myself a bowl of fruity pebbles and watched Criminal minds (which i’ve been watching at night for a month and no nightmares). And I’ve actually been having night terrors again (which are particularly fun) where I want to scream for help but can’t. It’s awesome. I really have to figure out what happened 3 days ago.
Ouch. I’m sorry 🙁
I get random insomnia/night terrors at certain times of the year (especially between Christmas and New Years, for whatever odd reason). My friends have gotten used to getting frantic, not-very-coherent texts from me in the middle of the night seeking reassurance. Fruity pebbles are a great comfort food though!
It also happens sometimes when I’m going through big life changes (like moving to/from school, which is a problem because I do that twice a semester…). My body just refuses to recognize a new normal, which doesn’t exactly lower the stress level. Any major life upsets happen recently?
Listen, LW – you guys BOTH f—ed this one up. And I’ll echo what the others have said: this is NOT worth salvaging.
You got jealous, so rather than talking about it you pretended you didn’t care and then manipulated him into feeling jealous? And HE, after snooping, pretended he didn’t care when actually he was harboring jealousy and resentment for HOW long?
He probably DID treat you badly as a result of the jealousy that you manifested in him by lying. But someone who resorts to low-blows is kind of a dickhead anyway, and something would have brought out this behavior in him eventually.
Cut your losses and move on. Don’t let him continue to make you feel guilty. Like I said, this one’s on BOTH of you. Learn from your mistakes, and NO MORE GAMES.
Look, I’m 100 years old and I love other people’s relationship drama (yay! vicarious drama!) but this kind of thing…if a friend of mine had this kind of relationship drama, I wouldn’t be bugging her to tell me all about it and keep me in the loop etc. etc., I would be ending the friendship because this is too stupid for words. AYFKMWTS?
What do all the letters at the end mean? Sorry…obviously your 100 is much cooler than my 34…cuz I’m lost! 🙂
I curse like a sailor but try to hide it in polite (…?) company. Translation: Are You Fucking Kidding Me With This Shit?
Love it!
At the very least, it seems like LW could have saved herself a bit of time by using that “create a girlfriend” texting service Wendy posted about a while back. I’m sure they have a boyfriend service to produce random boyfriendy texts.
LW, the first mistake you made was not speaking up when he did something that bothered you. Everything after that is just manipulation, game-playing, and unnecessary drama. Next time be honest about your feelings. Lying and hiding them only gets you hurt in the end. There is absolutely nothing wrong with telling your boyfriend not to date other women, and if this relationship was ‘unofficial’ at the time, there’s still absolutely nothing wrong with telling him you don’t want him dating other women, since that clearly bothered you. You don’t have bend over backwards and hide your feelings just to make a guy like you. They’re your feelings, own them.
Personally I think you heaped on the self loathing in this letter hoping we’d all tell you what a douche the ex is and how you deserve so much better. Not that you don’t, but relationships aren’t meant to have that much drama in them. If they do then A. It’s not a good relationship and you should not try to salvage it and B. You should be single for a while until you mature enough to pick out a good guy and be a good girlfriend. I know all these comments aren’t what you wanted to hear and you’ll probably think we are mean and just don’t understand but give it 5 years, you will look back on this and realize you were in a very immature stage of your life and trust me, you won’t give two shits about this ex anymore. Life is a journey, so don’t get too hung up on this guy or the mistakes you made. You will learn and grow from it just like we all do. PS..limiting the alcohol intake does wonders to reduce the drama.
LW it obvious that your a drama addict. Move to Iran so that you wont have to make any choices and be at risk of being stoned to death if you so much as look at another man. That should cool your heels.
Oh, this all sounds so healthy and normal and like the stepping stone to every great love that ever existed…
*eye roll*
She says, her voice dripping in sarcasm… 😉
Let’s all repeat, “If he *wants* to be your *boyfriend* he will act like a boyfriend. When you are in a relationship, it *should* make you the best version of yourself (if it’s healthy). LW – read and reread as needed. I will personally give you unlimited refills on this rx.
How many letters have we seen that center around the following? : “I just *happened* to look at his phone and found the worst thing!” or “my significant other was snooping through my phone and found out my dirty secret…”
Here’s an idea: TALK to them DIRECTLY about a problem. And put that damn phone down. Snooping will do more harm than good.
Even Pro-Lifers would tell you to abort this. It’s dysfunctional, toxic, and you don’t bring out the best of each other.
No age stated in your letter but I assume you must be 15 or 16, at that age you really shouldn’t be drinking.
Actually, wanna bet she is simply and tragically in her mid twenties…
Eh, you’re BOTH idiots. So much so, I don’t even know where to begin, LW. Nor do I have the patience or desire to do so. Instead of sending yourself dirty texts, LW — perhaps you should shoot yourself the number of a decent therapist. Seriously. What a mess. And so much of it self created, too. Sorry, I just have no patience for it tonight.
I am so confused, like many of the readers. LW, this whole thing is a mess. Sorry to say. But, don’t feel too bad. We’ve all been in pretty messy situations before. It doesn’t sound like the relationship was ever really healthy. And yes, you made some very dumb mistakes. But, so did he (going out on a date with someone else as a “favor” while with you? WHO does that?!). Neither of you are angels.
I think you will feel much better if you realize that what you are in need of is a FRESH START. Tell this guy that you are very sorry for all the pain you have caused him, but that you now realize you both have some growing up to do. Because, LW, you very much do. Grown ups do not send fake dirty texts to themselves. They just don’t. Spend some time being alone and focus on how you can better yourself. Then, when you can absolutely own up to your mistakes & have learned what not to do anymore, maybe you can give yourself permission to date again. You and this guy are no good for each other. You are feeding off of eachother’s immaturity. Your (ex)boyfriend did the smart thing by breaking it off.
But, think of this as a baptism of sorts… you are washed clean of your sins… it’s time to start anew.
LW, this guy is terrible & is making you feel like you’re naturally JUST AS terrible– so that’s how you’re acting. He accuses you of being a slutty alcoholic, so you get wasted and make out with some other dude. Etc. If you stay in this relationship, he’s going to keep insulting you in a way that plays off your insecurities & then when you “prove” him right, he’ll feel justified in insulting you more. And then you’ll feel like you HAVE to stay with him, because omg-you-ruined-everything!! &now-you-have-to-fix-it-and-prove-you-AREN’T-terrible!! NO. It’s not a good cycle, and you need to move on to get out of it.
Uhhmm, whaaa? Oh my God, I don’t even think I could touch on everything in this letter in one post that took less than 20 minutes to type.
LW – What the fuck are you doing?! He’s an asshole, and you’re just being dumb! You let him use you and tell you you’re a worthless piece of shit, and then you blame yourself and manipulate him at the same time?? God, get over yourself! Go back to high school, graduate and get some self-respect.
It’s a good thing this trainwreck blew up in your face – cos that means it’s time to grow up. And it’s behaviour like this that perpetuates the “slutty/manipulative girl” stereotype that allows douchebags to think they can treat ALL girls like this. The next time a douche says douchey things that make you feel like crap – kick him hard in the balls.
Oh, and don’t sleep with him. He’s not your “tru luv”, he just wants pussy.
I thoroughly enjoyed reading the comments on this one! LOL
Wow. You really need to get your shit together lady.
“He brought up all the dirty texts and I realized that he never figured out it was me.” -Why would he? You wanted to fake him out and you succeeded.
“He had harbored all this hurt for months and calls me a liar now.” -Um, cuz you are a liar, and a little bit crazypants.
“I feel like I turned a potentially good relationship bad.” -Here you’d be correct.
“He agreed we could try to get past it, but he still didn’t trust me.” -Why x2? This relationship is way past it’s expiration date, doesn’t seem to have much going for it, has two people involved who know live based on lies or pain.
In essence, you effed up and you need to do some serious soul searching before you inflict yourself upon your next boyfriend.