“I’m Afraid to Leave my Kids With My Mother-In-Law”

I am a stay-at-home mom. My mother-in-law is our primary babysitter on the rare occasions one is needed. She loves our kids so much and they have a great time with her. On my husband’s side of the family, there is a history of Alzheimer’s. I’ve noticed many times that, unless I write down explicit directions, my MIL usually forgets them. It’s rarely a big deal, and I don’t mind writing things down for her if they are important.

The other day, though, I got a little bit of a scare. When I came home, she told me how the baby had loved drinking water from a cup. The cup she held up was coated in grease and I was sure it had been in the sink with some filthy dishes when I’d left. (I’m bad at housekeeping). I hadn’t been able to get the lid off the cup, so it has been sitting in our sink for almost a week. Each time I washed the dishes, I tried to get the stupid thing open and it wouldn’t budge. So, there it sat.

After I clarified that it was, indeed, the cup she was talking about using, I asked where she’d gotten it, thinking maybe my husband had washed it without my knowledge, but she couldn’t remember where she had found it and was completely confused. She felt terrible, and it made me uncomfortable, so I just acted like it wasn’t a big deal.

Now, I’m not sure I should leave her alone with the kids, and I don’t know how to broach our concern for her wellbeing. She doesn’t take Alzheimer’s seriously, and has often made excuses for her own mother’s forgetfulness in the past. Anytime I’ve brought it up, she gets skittish and changes the subject. I don’t want to put my kids at risk. — Worried Mom

I don’t know… I can appreciate how grossed out you must have been, not to mention concerned for your kids and your MIL, but unless this incident is one of several similar ones, I think it might be a bit of a leap to think your MIL has Alzheimer’s. She’s a senior citizen who doesn’t spend every day with kids like you do and she was watching three young children (maybe more?), including a baby, in a home that, apparently, wasn’t very tidy (at the very least, there was a sink full of “filthy dishes”).

That said, the family history of Alzheimer’s in your husband’s family warrants making note of strange behavior – like the cup incident – to help in a future potential diagnosis. I also think it should be your husband’s job, not yours, to talk to her about the illness and nudge her to get examined at the appropriate time (which could very well be NOW, especially if there has been other questionable behavior).

You have a few options when it comes to your MIL watching your kids. Instead of asking her to watch all of them at the same time, you could ask her to watch one at a time, or just the older ones while you care for the baby. You could ask her to come help while you’re home with the kids so you’re there to supervise and are better able to see how she interacts with them. That won’t give you the full-on, free babysitting you occasionally need, but you’ll still get some help while giving your MIL and your kids a chance to spend time with each other.

And if you still want to let your MIL watch all the kids unsupervised, you need to continue writing detailed notes, and leave a clean house with no dirty dishes in the sink or food out on the counters or anything that might confuse your MIL or pose a threat to the kids. You could also ask that another adult be present — maybe another relative who would appreciate spending time with your children.

Finally, I think it’s probably time to find additional babysitters beyond your mother-in-law. You say you only rarely need a babysitter, so start budgeting for those occasions, and find someone you can trust to watch all your kids for the time you need help. Let your MIL be a doting grandmother instead of your primary babysitter. If she DOES have early Alzheimer’s, the last thing she needs is the stress of caring for several young kids all by herself.

***************

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].

26 Comments

  1. WWS.

    Since there’s a family history, you and your husband really need to be keeping track of incidents like this one. And HE needs to be the one having health related discussions with her.

  2. mostly i very much agree with wendy’s last point- honestly, i dont think a parent should ever only have just one babysitter. not only could it present logistical issues, if the one babysitter gets sick suddenly or whatever (happened to my coworker, definitely a pain), but for emergencies too. having backups is always good!

    that said, i dont think your MIL is unfit to babysit or anything. i mean, a dirty cup? eh. it was honestly probably good for the baby… the clean-obsessed society we have become has created all the crazy allergies and asthma everyone has now, its very interesting actually (i think anyway haha). if this keeps happening, or if it was an incident much more serious, i would then get more worried. but some dirty water isnt really something to call alzheimers on.

    i would just keep an eye out, let your husband deal with the potential for alzheimers, like wendy said, and invest in alternate childcare options.

  3. lets_be_honest says:

    Um, forgetting if you washed a particular cup one time is not Alzheimer’s. Its not even dementia, nor a sign of either. I forget if I put sugar in my first cup of coffee this morning. Trust me, I do not have Alzheimer’s.

    1. lets_be_honest says:

      Frankly, I’m more concerned that you are having this elderly woman watch THREE kids, including a baby!, at the same time.

      1. well, to be fair, we dont know if she is elderly. LW doesnt mention her age or ability.

      2. lets_be_honest says:

        I guess, but if I had 2 kids and a baby, I wouldn’t even have my under 55 y/o mom watch them all day all at once. Maybe once in a blue moon.

    2. I know you’re not trying to make light of memory issues, but yes there are times when confusion over a cup (especially paired with other things that the LW may have noticed) does point to Alzheimer’s. Or at least point to needing to at least talk to your Doctor about it. I don’t think she’s necessarily making a bigger deal than she should about this. And I think it’s good to be concerned, especially considering the family history. She does need to be careful in how to proceed and talk it over with her husband like Wendy said and have him take the lead. But, for the benefit of the MIL I think at least talking her in to going to her primary care physician at this point is a good thing.

  4. I don’t think we can say based off of one incident that your MIL is showing signs of Alzheimer’s, but if it’s in the family, & she’s been seeming forgetful—then I totally understand why you’d be worried. I’m not getting the sense you’re a helicopter mom or reading into things that aren’t there; I’d be worried too, if in this situation (hell, my ex’s family had a history of Alzheimer’s, & I used to look up what foods are good for memory & try to feed them to him. When he was only like 21.)

    But anyway, I agree with Wendy that your husband should be the active person in your MIL’s health. Is HE worried? Or is his tactic of the sticking-head-in-the-sand variety as well? Basically: there’s no harm in accompanying her to the doctor, & mentioning that sometimes she’s forgetful, I don’t think.

    Obviously, we ALL are forgetful at times, but there’s no harm at all in bringing it up to her doctor? However, yeah, this is your husband’s job. (And in the meantime, follow the advice about finding different babysitters. Don’t let MIL feel like you’re taking the kids away from her, so try to frame it as easing her burden & just letting herself enjoy the time she spends with them, rather than needing to actually babysit)

  5. Avatar photo theattack says:

    You can’t force someone to get medical attention, but you and your husband should talk about the best way you two can gently encourage her without being pushy. As far as your kids go, you should only leave them with someone when you feel 100% comfortable about the situation. You don’t have to justify changing your arrangements at all, but maybe you should hide some of the occasions you hire a sitter from your MIL so that her feelings aren’t hurt.

  6. starpattern says:

    I don’t know, I wouldn’t be that worried. There’s a history of Alzheimer’s in my family, too, and I think it’s good you’re aware of it and watching for it, but you don’t need to intervene just yet – you do need to keep a record of these instances you think are strange and have your husband (or someone in her immediate family) accompany her to her next checkup and try to mention it to the doctor beforehand so the doctor can try to assess whether that’s something y’all need to worry about. When she gets confused about where she is, can’t remember the way home, etc. that’s when you need to press the issue.

    For now, though, she just sounds… old. Do you and her both a favor and be prepared when she comes to watch your kids. I totally understand being bad at housekeeping (believe me – I finally hired someone to do it for me), but if you don’t want her to have to wash cups (and maybe use a dirty one by accident) you need to have a clean cup set out when she gets there. Same with the food, drinks, diapers, etc. that you want her to use with your kids. Don’t expect an old lady to flawlessly navigate a house and kitchen that is not her own, while caring for 3 young children and trying to remember everything you told her she needs to do, you know?

  7. This reminds me so much of when my own grandmother was diagnosed with Louis Bodies (which is a degenerative brain disease similar to Alzheimers). Anyway, my aunt had children later in life, including a set of twin boys, and my grandmother (in her late 60s) would occasionally watch the 3 kids (all under 3). It was really hard on her physically…3 kids that small is tough! My mom finally had to speak with my aunt about not leaving the kids with their mom; as much as my grandmother loved those children, she was just not up to taking care of them for extended periods of time by herself (or even with my grandfather’s help) but didn’t want to hurt my aunt’s feelings. Shortly thereafter, my grandmother started having a lot of issues and was eventually diagnosed…and in hindsight, there were so many “red flags” that our family overlooked initially (while she was caring for my aunt’s kids) because we had never really dealt with a disease like LB/Alzheimers before.

    So I guess the moral of my long-winded story is, I think it is fair for the LW to be concerned, especially depending upon her MIL’s age and since there is a strong family history of the disease. Alzheimers and similar conditions present like that…it’s little things that build over time. Also, it very well may be that even if her MIL is healthy and does NOT have Alzheimers, taking care of such small children alone is just not within her capacity anymore. I’m currently pregnant and my 58 year-old mom is in terrific shape and I’m sure will be thrilled to watch the baby on occasion, but I can imagine even she would be tired out by 3 young kids for long periods. (Heck, I’m 29 and I’d be tired out!!)

    I think Wendy’s advice–to make things as easy as possible for MIL when she comes to babysit–is good, assuming MIL is not having memory issues and the LW just caught her on a “bad” day.

  8. Sue Jones says:

    Um… I often cannot remember details like that. I am terrible with spatial relations and spatial organization. I have really had to put systems in place so that executive functioning abilities are working well. But I have good memory with most other things. I think you should watch for a pattern. A lapse here and there in someone else’s disorganized house is one thing. Lots of lapses might mean something else.

  9. I’d have to hear more examples of forgetfulness before I was convinced that she had Alzheimer’s. I’ve done some really dumb, forgetful stuff before, and I know that I don’t have it. Someone at my house left the gas on on our stove, which is far more dangerous than drinking out of a dirty cup, and they also do not have it. I realize that you’re concerned because of the family history, but unless you have a lot of other obvious signs, then I guess I’m not super convinced. Honestly, I’d first wonder if she was a little overwhelmed by taking care of so many children. That can be really hard on older adults. And older people DO lose some cognitive abilities/memory, even if it’s not part of a serious illness. But I do find it bizarre that she’d pull a cup out of a sink, which implies that it’s dirty, than get a new one out.

    I do agree that you need other babysitters. Personally, if I had more than one child, I would probably want to primarily use someone younger (sorry if that sounds ageist) and who does babysitting as a job (even just as a part-time one) because watching a lot of children is hard, especially when one is a baby. I don’t think you have to frame it as you thinking your MIL is incompetent so much as that you feel like your kids are maybe getting rambunctious enough and she’s paid her dues raising her children, that she should enjoy the perks of being a grandmother, where you just get to have fun with them, not be required to take care of them. Or even that you want your kids to be more comfortable with strangers for their socialization.

  10. I understand that the LW is sensitive because Alzheimer’s runs in the family, but the cup incident alone wouldn’t be a warning bell for me if it was an isolated event. I mean, I look for my phone when I’m *on* it sometimes and have put my keys in the fridge, etc. Some people are just more forgetful, less attentive to detail than others. Also assuming she was caring for multiple children, maybe the youngest was crying and the simple thought was “grab anything to make her stop”. Caring for children is hard enough, but I can imagine it gets more difficult as you get older and your natural responsiveness declines. You just may be asking too much of her to be a caregiver for your children, and it leads to forgetfulness because it’s taxing on her.

    If it helps when my grandfather started displaying signs of Alzheimer’s, it was very apparent and wasn’t your normal run of the mill forgetfulness. He would do things like go out for the newspaper and come back an hour without it and confused about why he went. He couldn’t remember details of things he loved to do and started forgetting to eat dinner, etc.

  11. So this story does sound a little odd to me. Specifically, if I understand correctly, the MIL was holding up a cup covered in grease and saying that the baby had been drinking from it? I guess to me that doesn’t really add up with the fact that LW was unsure whether MIL might have cleaned the cup – if it was dirty as the MIL was showing it to LW, how could that have been the case? Or did she think it had gotten dirty again after MIL used it? Anyway, I guess it’s odd to me that someone would just use a greasy cup without noticing, if that really was the case. I can understand not remembering where the cup was found, but I can’t understand not noticing the dirt on it and just using it as is. That IS weird. Doesn’t mean it’s Alzheimer’s, obviously, but it gives the impression that MIL was indeed confused. .

  12. WWS and I just want to give you kudos LW about the way in which you seem to speak to/about and approach your MIL. It seems like you are concerned without being overbearing or helicoptering, and are taking a very cautious approach with your MIL out of compassion. I think it took great restraint to not show more upset at the cup situation, and I do think you have a right to be concerned. Talk with your husband, look into the signs, and continue to show respect and compassion for your MIL while working towards a larger support group for babysitting 🙂

  13. llclarityll says:

    I don’t know, something else strikes me as off in this story. Maybe it’s just the way the LW wrote it, but it seems really weird to me that G-Ma would say that the baby enjoyed drinking out of a glass in response to “How did your morning go?”

    If this did in fact happen as LW thought it did, then we’re talking about three separate events here that are questionable judgement/memory-wise: G-Ma pulling a dirty cup out of a dirty sink; G-Ma giving dirty cup with dirty water to infant; and G-Ma forgetting that she used that particular cup. That’s a huge string of forgetfulness to just assume on the LW’s part.

    I really don’t think this woman has Alzheimers based on this one incident. I’d say it was more a case of her pulling the cup out of the sink to wash it to use it, not being able to get the lid off or some other reason that she set it down and forgot about it, using another cup for baby, and then getting confused when asked by LW. Kinda like a, “Oh shit, DID I use that cup?!”

  14. I agree with everything Wendy said, and I agree it’s probably time to find another babysitter. But I think it would be very, very hard to leave my future child with someone other than my MIL. I imagine it’s hard enough leaving your child in someone else’s care. And I feel like maybe some of the LW’s concerns come from those fears of leaving someone else in charge.

  15. Avatar photo iwannatalktosampson says:

    I ate some weird shit as a child and I turned out just find. I would talk shit about the dirty dish, but I decided last night I want to have 3 kids, so I will now give slack to all parents with 3 kids.

  16. something Random says:

    If I ignore the title and just read the letter I’m not getting a narcissistic vibe. I would read it differently if LW didn’t say babysitting was rare. I probably would have thrown a cup away rather than let it sit at the bottom of a sink for a week; sorry if that’s judge-y. And I do think lw sounds more concerned with how to break the news that grandma that she doesn’t get to babysit than getting her help for a terminal illness. But I’ll give her the benefit of doubt and assume that she isn’t emphasizing that because she doesn’t want to jump the gun. My advice regarding childcare is simple; if she feels uncomfortable with MIL’s judgement then get someone else to babysit. Don’t tell the MIL but she should make sure MIL gets plenty of other time to bond with the kids. As far as Alzheimer’s goes I don’t have any experience and I don’t have an informed opinion.

  17. I would advise the LW just … keep an eye out. It could have just been a bout of forgetfulness.

    However, I think it doesn’t hurt to go to a doctor. Medication can reduce and stabilize symptoms. I’d get a second opinion, however if the first doctor doesn’t diagnose her or you feel differently. My grandmother’s PCP told her she was just aging but she was convinced something wasn’t right. Turns out she had Alzheimer’s but the doctor didn’t diagnose her until she was severely impaired.

  18. Avatar photo theattack says:

    Just going to admit it: There are always dirty dishes in my sink. We seem to always be behind one night on dishes, plus whatever crap is supposed to be handwashed that P doesn’t get around to. It’s his job to do them, so he’s more disgusting than I am, but I never just step up and do them when he’s neglected it. There. Everyone judge me. I have no children, and my kitchen is messy anyway.

    1. starpattern says:

      That is dedication, TA!

  19. Is this going to be a thread where we all have to pretend that having dirty dishes in your sink for A WEEK isn’t disgusting and health hazard and crappy parenting? Because that is absurd. I love how people replying to this are like, “When your a mom you cant have a clean house every second!!” as if that is the same thing as a WEEK. As if there isn’t 6 days in between that time. The 6 days where mold grows and bacteria spreads. Where the dishes pile up so high a child can easily reach into the sink and have them spill out and glass break and go everywhere.

    This is so foul, and so unacceptable, and I think the LW is latching onto her MIL to displace the guilt she should be feeling over allowing this disgusting dangerous situation to even happen. How was the MIL to know that cup was in the sink for a week?!?! That is NOT normal. I highly doubt anyone on this board grew up in a household where the same dishes were in the sink for a week. Seriously?

  20. LW, I don’t think you’re a terrible mum if you had dirty dishes in the sink, although I do think it would make it a bit harder for other people coming in. But I also don’t think this is necessarily a sign of Alzheimer’s unless there are a lot of other ones. I think it is great to listen to your instincts about who is safe to watch your kids.

    I also think that if you are tired out with 3 kids and sleep-deprived, it would be easy to take the adrenaline of realizing that your kid drank gross water and have that kind of swirl around free-floating and then land on The Alzheimerz. So I would take some deep breaths and see what’s what.

  21. In all of these ‘ask whoever’ articles, the answer always is to babysit your own children while looking after an incompetent elder whIle paying for babysitting just so the elder can have ‘a relationship with their grandchild’. The real correct answer is to protect your child from toxic in laws by making them be responsible for their own behavior or elose they get no contact. Being a parent isn’t easy, protecting your children should be the number one priority over hurting some seniors feelings.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *