“I Wasn’t Invited to My SIL’s Party And my Husband’s Going Anyway”
I feel strongly that my husband should decline a family invitation when I am excluded — and that his acceptance of the invitation would break down the integrity of our marriage. I would never, and I do mean never, accept a family invitation sent only to me and not my husband, simply because we are a unit and the strength of our relationship is the foundation of my life; at the end of the day, I come home to my husband, not my extended family.
My husband feels differently. He says that he understands why I’m hurt and doesn’t deny that I was purposely excluded, but, at the end of the day, the greater slight would be to his sister if he was not there to “support” her. — Excluded from SIL’s Birthday
I’m with you that it’s incredibly rude that you weren’t included in the invitation to your SIL’s 40th birthday party. But that’s a simplistic reaction to an issue I’m sure is multi-layered. You don’t just make the “do not invite” list for no reason. I’d be curious to hear your SIL’s side — why she’s excluding her brother’s wife to an important event.
Regardless what the reason is and whether it’s justified — and, yes, I do believe there could be justification for excluding a family member’s spouse to your party though it would have to be a really big deal — the bottom line is that your husband has been invited and you haven’t and now you both have some decisions to make.
It sounds like your husband has already decided what he’s going to do and that’s to attend his sister’s party. And while I can certainly understand why that decision would hurt and even anger you, the idea that it threatens the “integrity” of your marriage is kind of wild. How shaky is the foundation of your marriage that its very integrity would be at risk over such a trivial thing as a birthday party?
Methinks there are some other issues at play here and that you should take the energy you’re funneling into being angry about this invitation and focus it onto your marriage and what’s going on in the larger picture to create such cracks over this one detail. Do you feel disrespected by your husband in general?
Obviously, there are issues between you and his family, so do you feel as though your husband, historically, hasn’t defended you enough or given you as much support as you’d like? Has he wasted opportunities to smooth the relationship between you and his family because it was easier to remain neutral? If so, you need to have a discussion — or discussions — about that — about the larger picture. For the record, your SIL’s 40th birthday party probably isn’t the best opportunity to smooth relations. But a call afterward would be.
What would be the purpose of your husband skipping his sister’s 40th birthday party? To prove to everyone how committed he is to you? To prove to YOU how committed he is? To illustrate that nothing will come between you? To show that he has a stronger allegiance to you than to his family?
If you really need for your husband to alienate himself from his own sister to feel as if the integrity of your marriage is intact, then something is amiss. I would urge you to figure out what that something is and address it head-on. If you don’t, I can assure you that this won’t be the last time you feel as if the foundation of your marriage is being tested.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
The ONLY way I see this as acceptable is if it is the SIL, the brother and the parents (and other blood siblings if there are some). Not spouses of anyone, no children, just the “original” family.
I find this to be inexcusably rude and would not want my husband to attend if I was in your shoes, LW. First off, you are part of the family now and secondly, you and your husband are a social unit and etiquette dictates you should always be invited together. I would ask your husband to privately talk with his sister about the issue in a non confrontational way and find out why she chose to not invite you. Unless there is a seriously valid reason I would request he doesn’t go.
WWS.
There’s got to be some reason the LW wasn’t included, and I feel like the LW probably knows why, but left that out. Maybe she’s one of those people who ruins a good time- we often read letters about them- There’s that one person who gets drunk and starts fights, or doesn’t know how to act in public and makes everyone uncomfortable.
I am with Wendy on this one. At face value – what we know just from the content in the letter – this is a huge slight. You are married and that makes you family. However, I feel like there is a pretty big reason your SIL is excluding you specifically. It’s interesting (and telling?) that those details were left out.
Why doesn’t he ask his sister why his wife wasn’t invited?
Since the husband “doesn’t deny that I was purposely excluded,” that must mean the husband has been told she isn’t invited (or there’s a big, obvious indicator, like the plus one is scratched out on an RSVP card or something). What good would it be to find out why, if it’s not obvious (like LW caused an incident last year, etc.)? If there’s no good reason, then they both should skip it, and if LW caused a problem, they are leaving that detail out, and the whole discussion is mooted.
so, WWS and WEES (what everyone else said). there is a reason that your excluded. either you are an asshole or your SIL/husband’s family is an asshole. if your the asshole, well, you can take steps to try to change that. you can repair bridges you have burnt with your new family. it’ll take time and energy, but hopefully it can happen. if its her/your husbands family… well, be happy that you werent invited! seriously, why would you even want to go if they are just a bunch of terrible people who hate you for no reason and would go to such lengths to let you know how they feel? just dont go. one of my high school boyfriend’s family was like this. the husbands family hated his mom for whatever reason, and so she just stopped going to FL when they went to visit. no hard feelings (hopefully?), just separation and silence from both parties. sometimes thats a good solution, and thats just how you have to coexist with certain people.
also, really, WWS about this *rocking* the integrity of your marriage. way to be the asshole in this instance, LW, and making your husband choose between family and his wife. thats a really, really shitty position to put someone in… if this was a really important thing, id say that he should side with you, he did marry you after all- but its a freaking birthday party. calm down. if you cant weather this, you have no hope. also, if you cant grasp the fact that he will want to see his family (no matter how you and the family feel about each other), you also have no hope.
I do think this is totally unacceptable— a married couple is a unit. Why hasn’t the husband asked his sister why you were left off of the invitation? I mean, you say he doesn’t deny that you were “purposely excluded”, so what is the reason for this? Barring some extreme circumstance (you stole from her, you punched her in the face, you insulted her in some deliberate way), I actually WOULD expect the husband to decline the invite. But like others, I believe there has to be more to the story, here.
LW, I remember the first time I was blatantly snubbed. It was horrible and it was a direct response to my personality. It stung and the relationship with the person was never the same. I am also a person that has a roller coaster relationship with my inlaws. Here is what I have to say. This does not seem like an event that I would take a stand on. I would tell my husband to go and plan fabulous things to do that weekend on my own with my friends, family, or kids. I would take some quality me time and enjoy having the tv remote to myself, clean out some closets one day. The next go to a spa, get your makeup professionally done, then go out with girlfriends for overpriced drinks. Leave the drama in Chicago and simply say good riddance. Would you really want to go anyway?
On the face of it your sister in law seems unbelievably rude …but its like you started telling the story half way through. WHY is she so rude to you? Because she is evil and controlling? Or did you do something to legitimately earn her ire? Because if the fault of the rift rests with you then I have sympathy for your husband. Why should he estrange himself from his family because you have behaved badly in the past? If you are innocent of wrong doing then it would seem your SIL is crazy …and your husband totally fine with it. It just seems less likely that your SIL has some completely unwarranted vendetta against you that your husband is fine with it. And I say this as someone who has an evil sister in law. So I know they exist…you just seem to be omitting the reasons behind her behaviour and that seems to indicate they aren’t favourable to you.
I’m not against drawing a line in the sand or ultimatums but it seems you told your husband “me or her” and he picked her. That is the risk with drawing a line in the sand…someone might just cross it. There must be a reason. So ask him. And if the reason rests with your behaviour then some self reflection is in order if you want harmony in your family. If you truly are blameless and your husband is siding with your SIL for no apparent reason then some couples counselling should help both of you deal with the expectations you have of each other in your marriage.
I’m torn on this letter. On the one hand, I totally see Wendy’s point. I was nodding my head in agreement and she’s right, if this slight ruins the foundation of the LW’s marriage, there are much bigger problems.
However, I’m a people pleaser. It’s what I do. I also have Catholic guilt. Thanks mom and dad. Anyway, I couldn’t imagine not inviting my sister’s husband to some event. Even if I couldn’t stand him and thought he was the worst person in the world, I would invite him to make my family happy. That’s just how we roll.
So I guess I don’t really have any advice. I think it would help to know why the LW wasn’t invited. I might have an answer then. But she left that out, which I think is a little telling.
Not being invited to the party might be an attempt to create tension between you and your husband. Don’t take the bait—ignore her actions, focus on yourself, and show her that such tactics are insignificant. Best revenge – make her actions feel insignificant!
It would definitely help to know if there’s a history of bad blood between the LW and the SIL, or if the SIL has done this in the past. I’m torn because this is a pretty big event — I mean, the husband is planning to travel halfway across the country, so it doesn’t seem like this is some casual, last-minute, thrown-together party. I agree that the LW is a bit dramatic in the whole “this will unravel our marriage” thing, but I would be pretty pissed if my husband was going to take a substantial trip to go to a family event without me, and without even inquiring about it. I don’t agree that his attending the party is a no-brainer. If the LW’s exclusion isn’t warranted, it just sets the standard that it’s OK to exclude her from future events and they’ll meet with no resistance from their family member.
I can’t have an opinion without knowing why the LW was excluded. Clearly, she and the husband know that it was on purpose, but do they know why? If not, I assume there’d be some mention of surprise or confusion, and there is none.
This one is difficult because we don’t know enough to give a fair answer.
On the one hand, your spouse is your closest relationship and you should always have their back. Meaning, you don’t allow anyone to be rude or nasty to them.
On the other hand, most people aren’t excluded for no reason and we have no idea why you were excluded. If you cause problems when you are with his family then being excluded is justified.
So, in my mind, if you are being excluded for no good reason then he should stick up for you and not go. If you are being excluded because you’ve earned it, he should go by himself, if he wishes and you should hope he has a fun weekend.
This shouldn’t undermine the entire integrity of you marriage. You should have a better foundation than that but constant, endless slights do take a toll on a marriage and can break it over time. So be honest with yourself about why you’ve been excluded. If you deserve being excluded work on yourself. If you don’t deserve it then be glad there is geographic distance between you and them and talk to your husband about establishing boundaries with his family. Marital counseling might be helpful in getting to the bottom of this and helping you both to see what is fair. Usually no one is perfect and the fault will lie somewhere in the middle.
Yes — it was rude of them to not invite you. (It was rude from where I stand, with the info that was given to me in your letter.) But I’m sure there must be some reason why you weren’t included. Whether your SIL is just mean and doesn’t like you, or whether you’ve done something so off-putting to her that she doesn’t want you around on her birthday. Either way, you weren’t invited and your husband was. Tough.
There’s not a lot you can do about it, but I love the suggestion of a phone call after; once your husband gets back from the party. Make a quick call to your SIL and tell her you heard the dinner was really nice and you just wanted to call and wish her a happy birthday. That’s all you need to say. It’s polite, it shows you aren’t feeling vindictive about the whole thing. Whether you’re the reason for the snub or she is… stepping up and being kind from here on out can only help matters.
I think the fact that the OP hasn’t included one single possible reason for the lack of an invitation is pretty telling. I mean, why not say “my SIL and I had a terrible fight”, or “my husband’s family has never liked me”, or…well…something? Or “I can’t imagine why they’d exclude me, everything seemed fine the last time we got together.”
If I thought everything was fine between my SIL and I, or my husband’s family and I, and out of the blue I was not invited to a family celebration, my first thought would not be “Alas! The integrity of my marriage is threatened!” It would be “what the heck did I do to offend them so much?”
I admit that this is a lot of reaching on my part, but it almost seems as if she’s not giving us the backstory on purpose….she wants to make this all about her husband going without her, and not about the possible reasons why.
I find it convenient that the LW left out why she and the SIL aren’t speaking and why she feels she wasn’t invited. I agree with Wendy 100% that it doesn’t affect the “foundation” of your marriage. Nonsense.
At the end of the day it sounds like there are divided loyalties…and as a wife, I believe it is important to support your husband, even when you don’t agree with him. LW, did it ever occur to you that you will not be able to change your husband’s mind?? Instead, you might try taking the high road and say something along the lines of, “I’m so hurt that your sister didn’t invite me. We have some issues there, but you know what, I really believe that it’s important to maintain important relationships. Please bring this gift for me, and express that I was upset I wasn’t invited. I would have loved to go with you as your wife.”
Guess what that would do? Make his sister look like a jerk and then there would be no reason for you two not to patch things up. But your attitude doesn’t take the long view. It takes the petty short view. Is this party SO AWESOME you need to cause some huge problem over it? Screw it. Let your husband go, plan a girls’ weekend, and take a spa day!
…And for god sakes, these are your in-laws. Don’t cause trouble on top of trouble…. be the bigger person.
Great response, Wendy! I hope LW thinks long and hard about all your follow up questions. And I *really* would like LW to respond here with more info – a lot more info, right now. I want the whole history of the LW, her husband, and her in-laws. … I really don’t want to do work today so spill it, LW!
Take the high road. Your husband loves his family and has a right to spend time with them with and without you. Obviously things don’t go as well when you are there since you aren’t upset that you didn’t get invited- just that your husband is going. Do you really want to go to the party or do you just want your husband to stay home? If it’s the latter then you are just being petty and adding fuel to the fire. Family is important, especially when a person makes an effort in their adult lives to keep their family together so even if you don’t like your husband’s family, let him enjoy them.
Even if there’s no bad blood between the LW and the SIL, maybe one of the other in-laws is horrible and in order to exclude that person, the SIL has to exclude all spouses.
Maybe her MIL has mama’s boy issues and made it sound to the SIL like the LW would never be willing to come all the way to Chicago for a party in order to get her special boy to come out by himself.
Maybe the SIL thinks they wouldn’t be able to afford the tickets and only invited her brother in an effort to spare them embarrassment….
so many fun possible conspiracy theories! But I guess I’m the only one here who doesn’t think it’s really that big of a deal or that married couples don’t always have to be invited to everything together.
My advice is a bit different. I don’t care what the LW did, her husband married her and brought her into his family and it is inexcusably rude for the SIL to not invite her to this party and for her husband to incur travel costs, etc. to go without her. He should say no, even if the SIL has a totally valid reason for not inviting his wife. The point is the LW is his wife and that loyalty has to come first. And, if the LW is so awful that the husband totally gets why no one in his family wants to see her, then that’s a marital issue they need to address. And, if the husband’s family is so awful that they’d exclude someone like this with no real justification, that’s an issue to be addressed, too. But, on this one, he married the LW, he’s still married to her and he owes her the loyalty of declining the invitation. Married unit, common front, “our” family, for better or worse and all that jazz.
And, for what it’s worth, if the SIL had written in and said the LW was a terrible, no good rotten person who she loathed and she just wanted to invite her brother to her party and not his wife, my advice would have been that like her or not, the LW is her brother’s wife and the SIL has to respect that. Either invite them both or don’t invite either of them.
Ridiculous comment. If the OP behaved badly (which she probably did) the husband doesn’t have to blindly take her side.
The fact that the LW did not follow up “I wasn’t invited to the party” with “and I don’t know why!” is definitely glaring.
Obviously there is a reason she did not invite the LW and the LW does not want to say what it is.
Did anyone else notice that the husband is traveling from Boston to Chicago to go to this birthday party? That is pretty far out of the way to go to something your spouse wasn’t invited to. I do agree that there’s probably a reason the LW wasn’t invited (even though it’s almost always a faux-pas not to invite a spouse, except for the reasons GG said). But the husband is definitely in the wrong for choosing to go to this party without his wife.
I don’t think it’s wrong for the LW to want her husband to show some allegiance to her. It doesn’t mean she’s insecure in her marriage. It’s just a generally accepted part of being married. I don’t think it compromises the integrity of the marriage, but it does put a wedge between the husband and the wife where he could have used the opportunity to solidify how much he cares for her. I would think this if the party was just across town, but this is halfway across the country! He’s using their money to travel out there, depriving her of whatever his chores are while he’s at home, etc. The wife is having to stay home while her husband basically goes on a vacation without her, which seems very wrong in this circumstance.
how annoying is it that this lw doesnt tell us why shes being excluded. she definitely knows.
anyway, i would tell her to be the bigger person and try to fix this mess. if youre planning on being married a long time, its best to get along with the inlaws. im sure theres a solution to this but you left out the why so we cant give you the how.
I find it hard to believe LW doesn’t know why she was excluded. She didn’t even say “I’m not sure why his sister would do this” she said it’s gone “unaddressed” which makes me think she knows EXACTLY why the SIL excluded her, and that it’s probably for a good reason. And people who refuse to address issues like that? They tend to be a bit unhinged. And that line about the “integrity” of her marriage is just flippen weird. Maybe the SIL doesn’t want a crazy person at her party.
I think it’s rude and awkward, but I really wish the LW had told us the full story. Sorry, but this letter gives me n-o-t-h-i-n-g. All I can do is make assumptions.
Take the high road. You don’t want to make this a messier situation. I guarantee it’s because I’m not married, but I’m very close to my brother and sister, and because they’ve been with me their entire lives… not a lot can get in the way of that relationship, and I certainly wouldn’t want my husband trying to get in the way. Granted, I have a close enough relationship that I can ask, will ask and wouldn’t have an issue telling my brother or sister that they’re being assholes for not inviting him… so I genuinely think that there are a lot of underlying/past issues that the LW has conveniently left out.
Oh so hard to give advice without more information. I always imagine I’m giving advice to one of my friends after reading letters and I feel like the first question I would ask is, WHY do you think you weren’t invited. And secondly I would ask them if this was one of those issues that was worth it. So many ‘little’ issues come up in marriage. Some are worth putting your foot down about, and some just aren’t. Some by putting your foot down create large issues that could have been avoided by saying I’m going to let this little thing roll off my back.
By letting your husband go, you’re not showing the sister and your in-laws that they’ve won or that they have a chance at hurting your marriage. It’s the exact opposite! You’re showing them that you’re comfortable enough with your husband and your marriage to know when someone isn’t worth starting a fight between the two of you.
Maybe your in-laws are awful people who treat you like crap and your husband never does anything to defend you. If that was the case however, I feel like you might have mentioned it. The lack of details are very telling in situations like this.
I was thinking the same thing! How do you invite someone to a family function without inviting their spouse?! Isn’t it kind of a given that you get invited to things together? Otherwise, how does the SIL have the balls to call up her brother, invite him to her b-day party, “but, oh, by the way, please make sure you DON’T bring your wife – she is definitely not invited.”
What an excellent response, Wendy! I totally agree.
The LW sounds like she doesn’t even care whether she goes to this birthday or not, just that her husband is going without her. Quite pathetic if you ask me. There is obviously a reason why she wasn’t invited and judging by the comments the LW made, I can see why. Why does her husband have to ask his sister why she wasn’t invited, why can’t the LW just grow some ladyballs and ask herself if it is such a big deal. It’s not the end of the world if you spend one evening apart from your spouse. The LW came across as snobbish, entitled and demanding. I wouldn’t have invited her either.
Who the hell expects their brother to fly across the country for a “small 40th birthday dinner”? Sorry, adults who make a big deal out of their birthday annoy me. I’m not saying dont celebrate but Boston to Chicago, really? When I turned 40 I had some drinks with a few friends, I certainly wouldn’t have been offended or upset at anyone who didn’t want to come for any reason, because my birthday is not a big deal.
I disagree with Wendy 100% for the first time ever. I think the Husband should NOT go to this party for his sister. I have two brothers and even if I did not like my SIL I would NEVER exclude them from an invite regardless of any incidents that occurred or “valid reasons” for the slight. I don’t care if his wife called me horrible names to my face, treated my parents with disrespect, tanked a job I was up for etc. You create more drama and stress for the family and most of all the brother/husband with this move. The person responsible for the invites did not invite her for a reason whether it is to cause strife in the marriage or trying to remove the drama LW may bring but in doing this they are causing drama in and of itself.
I would not expect nor respect a decision if my brother chose to leave his wife home and travel for this party. If I was the LW and my husband made the decision to go well that to me says a lot about the respect, and value he places on our relationship.
I’m surprised no ones asked this, but are you *sure* you’re not invited?
In my family/friends we are pretty informal, so even it’s not explicit plus ones are always assumed to be invited. In fact the only times things are explicit is if someone is NOT invited.
So how was hubby invited? Was there a fancy invitation addressed just to him, or did sis call his cell and tell him to be available on her birthday weekend without making it clear the message was meant for the two of you?
When a spouse is excluded from a family event, it may very well be due to poor behavior such as provoking an argument when drunk. But it is also possible that the LW is being excluded even though she did nothing “wrong”. For example, the husband’s family may dislike her because she is of a different race, religion or culture. Family dysfunction could also be a factor here. My step-siblings hated my mother, and for 30 years excluded me from family events in spite of my efforts to develop relationships and get along. Just last year, my brother did not invite me to his son’s wedding. Although I am far from perfect, I did nothing “wrong”.
Readers from more normal families may have trouble fathoming the depth of the dysfunction in my family, and may assume that I must be at fault because only very serious issues would cause them to act in such a mean fashion. In conclusion, I am saying that we do not have enough information to know why the LW was excluded or whether she needs to make amends for poor behavior. I wish her luck because her husband’s refusal to stand up for her and give her guidance on how to get along with his family is going to create major problems in her marriage.
Wow – thanks so much for all the great comments! I’m floored by all the wisdom. I’ve never written to an advice column before and found Wendy by Googling for advice. I would have chimed in much earlier but I’m only just now reading the responses after getting my kids to bed.
So, in all honesty, I have NO idea why I’m not invited. My SIL is a wonderful person. I love her and I love all my in-laws, crazy as that sounds. She’s been coolish (can’t say cold) to me for several years but we live far apart and don’t see each other much so I always just told myself that I was being silly or paranoid and imagining some aloofness from her that didn’t really exist. But now, with this invitation, my feelings have been confirmed. I can only guess that I must have done something to offend her but I’ve racked my brain and truly have no idea what it was. It stings horribly that she didn’t invite me (some people mentioned that I wasn’t hurt about that, but I am)…but the real hurt for me is that my husband is going to the party knowing that I feel completely left out. I feel a bit like the rug — or at least a corner of the rug — has been pulled out from under me.
I see how I may have sounded extreme by saying that my husband’s acceptance of this invitation shakes the integrity of our marriage. I guess it’s because I feel so terrible about not being invited but yet he is still choosing to go. I feel like I got the 1-2 punch: no invite for me and hubby knows this is wrong and rude but goes anyway.
In the end, I don’t want my husband to choose between his family and me. I’ve told him my feelings and I do feel that my role is now to take the high road and not be petty. I love the idea of sending a gift and following up with a call to my SIL.
Thanks again for all your input! This really has helped me think about the issue from different viewpoints.
LW, just to echo the question others have had above, how do you know for sure you weren’t invited? Was it a formal invitation through the mail addressed only to your husband? A phone call specifying you weren’t invited? Could it possibly in any way be an oversight, or could she have assumed that you two would know you were also invited?
Are you sure you’re not invited? I mean, I could certainly see myself reaching out to just my brother to tell him about a party and ASSUMING OF COURSE his wife would come.
How did she invite your husband, anyway? Did she send a card addressed to him that said NO GUESTS or something? Or did she simply call up your husband and say “hi bro so i’m having a party and you should totally come out!” – was that it?
Or maybe she’s having a trolley party and one person canceled, so she said “hey bro I know you were thinking of coming out to Chi sometime, maybe you could come the weekend of my birthday because a seat opened up on the trolley – but sadly just one seat”?
I still have so many questions.
And if you were expressly NOT invited and you have no idea why she is snubbing you, if that happened to me I’d be SO SO SO worried that I did something to offend her. I’d call her and say “hey are we ok?!”
Hey LW, just wanted to say that a) I’m excited that you updated because we were all curious! and b) it’s cool of you to be gracious and thank everyone for the advice when so many of us, myself included, were pretty critical of you. I did think your first letter sounded suspiciously dramatic, but maybe that was lack of detail; from everything you’ve said here you seem to be handling the situation with grace and cordiality. Which might lead to mended fences, who knows? Best of luck!
I think your SO should talk to his sibling and 1) make sure your not invited (it may just be a misunderstanding and 2) if you are not invited, find out why.
The invite came to my husband via text and it was then followed up with a phone call telling him the specifics (date, other people attending, etc). It wasn’t an invitation in the mail. My husband’s opinion is that a mailed invitation would have been really bad, but that the text method was only kind of bad. I’m definitely not invited, that’s clear from my husband, although he hasn’t expressly asked my SIL why I’m not invited. I haven’t asked him to do that because I don’t want to put him in that spot. I feel like if anyone is going to say anything to her, it should be me.
Hmmm… is it possible that they used to kick it together with mutual friends and she kind of just was hoping to reconnect and party – and hey what better way to do that than her upcoming bday? … Sorry, I keep asking you questions. (I was bored today.) I think it all goes back to what Wendy said – have discussion(s) with your husband about the fact that this incident has shaken you to the core and caused you to doubt the foundation of your marriage.
I have to wonder, also, if it’s actually your husband doing this and not the SIL? A call to the SIL will LIKELY clear it up. If it was her decision not to invite you, hopefully she’d explain why. Otherwise, she might be as surprised as you were to find out you weren’t invited by your husband. It’s possible that sibling loyalty, however, would tell her to assist her brother in covering up the fact that it was HIM that preferred you not go. Do any other commenters wonder if it’s the husband orchestrating this and not the SIL?
Thanks for the update!
I still think something about this is odd. It sounds like there’s no obvious reason why you aren’t included, and no concrete proof that you’re not invited. I know that if I invited my brother to something, it would be assumed that his wife would be invited. I think your husband needs to ask his sister SPECIFICALLY in no uncertain terms, if you’re invited. If he’s not willing to do that, then I think something fishy is going on. He doesn’t need to make a big deal out of it- just call her up and say “hey, I was making my flight arrangements and wanted to double check before I booked the tickets, LW’s invited to the dinner, right?”
” I’m definitely not invited, that’s clear from my husband, although he hasn’t expressly asked my SIL why I’m not invited. I haven’t asked him to do that because I don’t want to put him in that spot.”
Can I just say LW, that I feel so sorry for you that you see this as putting your husband in a bad spot… whereas I would have hoped beyond hope that my husband wouldn’t need my prodding to try and include me in family events. it is really fishy. I go back on what I wrote earlier, I think you should contact the SIL directly and express some honesty… I mean best case scenario it was a misunderstanding and your husband is a bit of a pushover, medium case is that your SIL is a nuts control freak and your husband is ok with that… worst case is that there is something else going on in Chicago.
Whatever way you have to find out, esp since you confirmed that you do have children so I guess your hubby’s fun family weekend means you get to stay at home and care for the kids!?! Total BS.
That’s right, LW, send along a NICE gift and let the SIL feel totally embarrassed and awkward! That sounds brilliant!
This is a short letter and how slighted you feel by the sister depends on the context of the snub… did you guys have a fight? Have you never gotten along? Do you always invite her to similar events? I dunno, feel offended by that, perhaps. BUT. Making this so about your marriage is weird. Honestly the way you write about your marriage… to me that is so unappealing. You sound really co-dependant. It’s hard for me to imagine a healthy marriage wherein the two people absolutely could not go anywhere without the other without it “breaking down the integrity” of the marriage.
I could understand getting really pissed about this, both with the SIL and the husband. Not cool at all. From what LW says in the comments, it sounds like she accidentally and unknowingly offended SIL or SIL is just a passive-aggressive beyotch. No drunken rants or anything dramatic. This is an out of state party, and to only invite her brother…Yikes. My advice would be for LW to calmly confront SIL and be prepared to perhaps not like what she hears…Maybe jot some notes down, and call her up. Because this is just going to get worse when LW has kids, for future Holidays, etc. Better to nip this in the bud.
Related story: About four years ago, my cousin’s wife had a brief affair and everyone in my small extended family pretty much found out (long CW channel/soap opera type story in its ridiculousness). Anyway, my cousin decided to stay with his wife after a separation of several months…I know a few people encouraged him to leave her, but pretty much everyone just said “I’ll support whatever you decide to do.” Everyone acted like adults, because it was his decision and in the end it wasn’t truly our business. Basically, people made their point and moved on. She was invited to family birthday parties, dinner, holidays, etc. Some people were kind of cold, but everyone was polite and made an effort to re-include her…My point is, I never understood alienating or refusing to invite the significant other of a relative when it comes to family events unless said person is physically or emotionally abusive or prone to huge, drunken, racist tirades.
Now that I know that the LW has not committed an offense that calls for being disinvited, I feel very sorry for her because she has a major problem with her husband. If the sister-in-law is being passive aggressive about some minor offense, her husband should be standing up for her and trying to straighten out the problem. If he did not succeed, the LW would at least know that he tried and together they could make a decision about whether he should go to Chicago without her. Other readers also suggest the possibility that the husband is lying about her being invited, and that he wants to go to Chicago alone. This is a real possibility that also needs to be investigated.
Confrontation is never fun, but the LW needs to get to the bottom of this situation for her own personal integrity, and because the situation will escalate in the future. I think she should call the sister-in-law directly and try to find out whether there is a problem. Then she should also talk to her husband about how upset she is that he is not standing up for her. I wish her luck because she is going to need it.
Thank god for my husband! If his sister ever tried to pull off something like that he would tell her where to shove it! Then I wonder, are you sure you are not invited? That just seems so strange. In my family (and my husbands and most families I know) it just known that when one spouse is invited the other is too (and in my family even boyfriends/girlfriends). It is assumed you both will be there unless you state otherwise. If my MIL tells my husband about some party or family gathering I don’t have to call her and ask if I can come too. Same with friends. I thought that was like a given………….and yes even the most intimate family gathering ALWAY includes my husband and he is now a part of the family.
I LOATHE my nasty, manipulative sister-in-law, her redneck sons, and their not-very-bright offspring, and must avoid discussions about them with my husband. You see, skanky sis reminds him of his nasty, manipulative mother who, upon death, achieved sainthood. Thankfully, we live far away from this SIL, and his other sister feels as I do about the Clampetts, so we have each other with whom to commiserate. If my love feels he must visit his awful sister, he is free to go with my best wishes — I’ll plan FUN things to do with friends, other family members, and grandchildren while he’s gone!
I’m so sorry this is happening, I would feel so betrayed by my husband. I don’t have an advice but I can empathize and validate that this is a heartbreak from your husband and to do it in a text was so underhanded.
Sorry but that is unacceptable,unless she has harmed his family in some way which has not been claimed. He should set boundaries in which family recognizes his own family unit. The type of function it is should ever ever be an invite to only one partner! He should stand besides his wife.
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Wow.So many comments.All I have to ask is what is the real backstory on you and his sister? Do you two get along?If you do please pick up the phone and just like call her. Maybe you were invited.Maybe your hubby just wants to go alone.We really do not know the whole story here.Maybe his sister and you do not get along.If that is the story go whew don’t have to sit thru the family crap. I understand how you feel though.It is like your hubby does not have your back. Talk to him let him know how hurt this has made you.Show him all thease comments.My final word is he should have your back no matter what…tell him I said so. Then if he still goes without you you got some serious thinking to do.But when you are doing that serious thinking do it at a very expensive spa weekend.
I am AMAZED that you advised this woman that it does not affect the integrity of her marriage if her husband attends a family gathering in which SHE…..his wife…..is deliberately excluded!
Are you for real? You honestly can not see how this woman is being terribly disrespected by her husband? I would kick his sorry Ass to the kerb.
Well, here’s my guess: if LW goes, then the kids go. That’s a big undertaking. SIL probably wants an adults-only party so they can drink and act like idiots. Husband wants to go but doesn’t want the big undertaking, so he just tells LW she isn’t invited. Easy peasy and also sleazy.
It is 100% your husband’s job to ask his sister why you aren’t invited. It is a d*ck move for him not to and you are right it does shake the foundation of your marriage. Because he is showing he just doesn’t care about your feelings. Is his sister just trying to be clique”y” and wanting things just like old times. Does she just find you a little boring? I hate a man and I use the term loosely that doesn’t stand by his spouse. It’s 50% of all I read on these advice columns that husband won’t support wife and supports Mother in law, best friend, sister or Ex GF. Who chooses these types of men??!! How hard it is to say. Hey, Jenny’s feeling are very hurt she wasn’t included. But if no one says anything then this behavior will just go on.