“I’m 30 and Have Never Had a Boyfriend”
I am 30 and I have never even been kissed. And for most women my age, this is, indeed, unique (though I’m hoping not as unique as I think, fingers crossed). I have profiles on various dating apps, and recently went on a very successful first date with a guy from one of these apps. We laughed A LOT and now I’ve been asked on a second date. I’m not gonna lie: I’m all giddy and happy and just mush. I really like this guy.
But my nerves are also kind of shot about the whole thing. What if he goes in for a kiss? How will I react? What if I kiss badly? What if I’m so nervous I pull a Ross/Rachel first time scenario and just laugh at the situation and he thinks it’s him? What if my breath stinks? I don’t know how to go on a second date. I don’t know how I got through the first! Was I this nervous for the first? What if we’ve already run out of things to talk about? What if…
As you can see, I’m…spiraling. Any advice you have for me to help me not spiral would be more than a little fantastic. For right now, I’m trying to bear in mind what my goal is for the second date, what I want out of the situation in general, working out how/what I might possibly feel for this guy…all while trying to enjoy what’s happening. (Can you tell I’m a victim of over-thinking?). — Reformed Evangelical Dater
First of all, I promise there are more people than you think who have made it through most — or even all — of their 20s without much — or any — dating experience. I get letters from them all the time. Here are three that I have published and answered:
“I’m 32 and Have Never Kissed a Girl”
“I’m 30 And Have Never Had A Date!”
“I’m 26 and Never Kissed a Woman”
You know what all of you have in common, besides a lack of dating experience and some self-esteem issues? You’re all overly concerned about what potential dates might think of you. You’re missing a very key part of the dating process: what do you think about the person you’re out with? If that sounds overly simple, it’s because it IS simple. The purpose of first — and second and third — dates is not just to see if there’s chemistry, but to get to know one another so you tell whether you even like the other person. How can you do that if you’re focusing all your energy on your breath? Girl, pop an Altoid and get on with it. There are more important things to figure out.
For some practical tips on easing your anxiety, re-read those columns I linked to above, and remind yourself that you aren’t a freak just because you’re 30 and haven’t had a boyfriend. And that anxiety you’re feeling about your next date and hoping it all goes well and you have enough to talk about and you say the right things and don’t mess up your first kiss, etc., etc.? Yeah, welcome to the club. I don’t care if you’ve had no boyfriends or 50 boyfriends, that anxiety is always there a little bit. All that means is you’re human.
***************
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
When I’m nervous about something I tell myself “what’s the worse that can happen?”, and then I actually consider the situation. For the LW, imagine that your 2nd date goes horribly wrong and you spill soda on your dress, the guy is really rude and you actually don’t like him, and he tries to kiss you but then runs away because your breath stinks. So what happens? You go to bed, you get up the next day, and you keep on living your life as you have for the past 30 years.
Being embarrassed or rejected will not kill you, harm you (besides bruising your ego), and shouldn’t affect the long-term output of your life. In fact, rejection is GOOD for people to experience because then you know how to move past it. You may need to go on 50 dates before you find someone good, but you will live and you will learn through those experiences. You will most likely collect some crazy stories to tell your friends over dinner. You may find out how truly WEIRD some men are. Don’t be so paralyzed by fear that you miss out on finding love.
I was 31 before I kissed anyone and 33 before I found my first legit boyfriend (although there were a bunch of bad dates/uncommitted guys/losers between 31 and 33). You can do it! It sounds like this guy likes you, so yay!
I’d encourage you to keep your expectations low. A kiss, another fun date. Don’t start running your brain toward marriage and kids and meeting your family just yet. (So easy to do.) Also, you can, like Wendy said, get so excited at the thought that a guy finally likes you, that you forget to see if you like him. And then you start making crazy plans for the future in your head…just be a little careful. And remember, either for now or in the future, that just because a guy wants to sleep with you doesn’t mean you have to. (This is something I wish I would’ve learned sooner.)
I’d tell you, using evangelical language, to guard your heart, but I would be hypocritical, because I definitely didn’t do that and got my heart broken a couple of times, and bruised a couple of more. It’s just part of the deal.
But don’t worry too much about your kiss. Kissing is something you can catch on to pretty quickly. For me the hardest part was knowing when he was going to do it and making myself available to kiss! I was quick to shut things down and go, because I was nervous and stuff. Also clueless. So if you’re sitting somewhere, and it gets quiet, that’s kissing time! If you want it to happen, keep yourself turned toward him, be smiling, friendly and open. Don’t seem closed off or in a rush to leave. And remember: you can stop things whenever you want to.
I love your second paragraph and that’s why I wanted to tell the LW as well.
LW, I’ve been dating since I was 17 and I’ve had several serious boyfriends. Even now, though, I’m anxious those first few dates and I start freaking out. I liked him? Does he like me? What does he think about me?
One thing my therapist told me, and it has helped tremendously, is to take each date one at a time. Meaning, don’t start planning your future with this guy. Go on one date. See how it goes. Go on the next. Then the next.
As for kissing, I remember my first kiss. I was 17. It was a little awkward, but I managed. So will you. Just let it happen. And the more you do it, the easier it becomes!
LW – I suggest you do a daily affirmation in front of a mirror. Highlight why you are a valuable person, be it you willingness to listen, your volunteer work, etc. Say it out loud and with conviction. The more you think about your contributions and positive qualities the more your confidence will grow.
It might help to think of it from his point of view. He’ll be as worried about his breath as you are about yours and he’ll be worried about whether you like the place he chooses to take you and whether you want him to kiss you. Anxiety is just part of the situation at this point.
Yeah, last week for about an hour. Then it disappeared and the letter from the mom with the pervert shower-picture-taking husband appeared.
LW, there are some different ways to look at this. So, yes, you’ve never had a boyfriend. But you know what that also means? That means you’ve never had a terrible romantic relationship, or let yourself been treated badly by a boyfriend, or dragged on something for years when it should have ended earlier. Most of us who have had boyfriends probably would like to forget some of them. I definitely have some “relationship scars” I prefer not to remember. When you find a great guy to be your boyfriend, you’ll be a whole lot wiser than I was when I got my first boyfriend. Your situation definitely has its pros.
Dude, my first kiss happened by surprise, in the dark, at 3 AM. I was 22. The girl I had just started dating kissed me as I left the bathroom and I was completely blind because the hallway was dark. I literally walked into her face. It was adorable for a first kiss. (Hint: All first kisses are adorable, given enough time. Tragedy+time=comedy.) It didn’t end up working between the two of us because we were both too nervous and fumbling.
Once you get that first kiss done with, and that first-person-kissed done with, it’s much easier. It’s not as fraught with expectation and nerves. (Let’s be honest, I had to down a friend’s beer to get the ovaries to kiss my current gf, but it STILL wasn’t as stressful as that first kiss.) And the first time my gf and I french-kissed, I kinda pulled my head back and said “Man, tongues feel weird.” So like, even if it’s awkward, it can work out.
ha, “tragedy + time = comedy” – very true!
If you think the first kiss did not go as well as you had hoped (or, if it did!), you can always smile and say something like, “Can we try that again?”
I guarantee it will work.
😉
My first kiss was awful. The boy slipped his tongue in my mouth and I gagged a little and yelled “ewww, you used your tongue!” He made fun of me for that and told others, and I didn’t get to kiss a boy for another 3 years. At that time, I was all about the tongue. Maybe a little too much – I think I knocked a few of my kissing buddy’s teeth loose. He had to pull away and actually tell me “easy with the tongue.” It was another 2 years after that before I kissed again – and by then I had found my groove. For most people, I promise it doesn’t take 5 years. So, if/when he goes in for the kiss, maybe shoot for somewhere in the middle of my two first kisses. But rest assured even if you are a bad kisser – even if you’re a bad kisser for 5 years like I was – there is still hope: you can still become The. Best. Kisser. Ever. you know, like I am now. If I do say so myself. Tra la la tee da.
Ugh, my 1st was pretty awful as well. He did the dead tongue thing. And kept his eyes open (I may have snuck a peek), and it was in the front of my house, so I was scared my parents were going to walk in hahaha.
My first kiss was terrible too! The guy caught me off guard. I didn’t even want to kiss him.
Ha. I love first kiss stories. 🙂 Mine was awful, too, everyone! I was watching TV/cuddling with the guy I had a crush on at 18. I had never cuddled before, let alone been kissed. I fell asleep and woke up to him kissing me! He wasn’t trying to be creepy, btw — I think he was going for something really romantic and Sleeping Beauty-esque, but when I typed that all I could think was, “Wow, what a creeper!” In any case, all I could say was, “Umm, umm, umm.” I was completely taken by surprise, didn’t even see it coming a little bit because, y’know, I’d fallen asleep! What ensued was an awkward conversation about how I was, like, totally into him and at 18, I was an idiot and thought that him kissing me meant he CLEARLY wanted to be my boyfriend ASAP. He did not, even a little bit, but he explained to me that “we could still make out ‘n’ stuff…” I was crushed. Now I look back and laugh.
My first Kiss was funny too! I was 13 and I was “dating” this boy. I just knew he was going to kiss me. we were walking in this park and on a bridge overlooking a stream. I thought the setting was perfect for it to happen. I waited and then…nothing. I said to him twice “Isn’t this so romantic.” He just stared at me. So finally, I grabbed his head with both my hands and pulled his head to me. It was a surprised closed mouth kiss. I then let him go and stormed off. I was so mad that he didn’t do it. He then studdered after me going “That was great. lets do it again” And I was like, ” That was the perfect moment and you ruined it.”
So LW, don’t get too in your head about the perfect kiss.
I didn’t have my first kiss until 18. It came as a complete surprise and it was plain awkward. The good news is that unless you try to do something “fancy” like shove your tongue down his throat the first time, he will probably never know it’s your first kiss unless you tell him. And after that first one, it stops seeming so weird/it’s something that I think comes pretty naturally. It’s kinda like, “Oh, that’s what kissing is like? Oh, okay. Cool.” So, don’t worry too much about what to expect or how you’ll react. If you’re worried, just make the first kiss short! And, you can prep your breath by carrying some mints with you! 🙂
I think what Wendy said is most important, though. Just as much as you’re worried about this guy sizing you up, you should be doing the same for him. Do you enjoy his company? Do you have chemistry? Does he treat you well?
P.S. I laughed the first time I had sex with my first legitimate boyfriend (almost 5 years and a dozen failed kinda-relationships and/or weird men after that awkward first kiss). That relationship lasted a few years. Don’t worry about that Ross/Rachel moment, because I had one in a super intimate moment. Awk-ward! But, the point is, the right guy won’t care about any of this. He won’t care if you’ve never been kissed, or that you haven’t dated much, or if you have a silly moment and start laughing (as long as it’s clear that you’re not laughing AT HIM).
Good luck with your second date, strictly speaking you can put off having sex until your 3rd date, if you are under 30…. How old were you again. 🙂
Don’t even joke! Poor thing is worried about kissing. Don’t worry LW – you’ll be fine – just have fun and put the whole kissing thing out of your mind. Focus on getting to know the guy and trying to have as much fun as you can. I promise you the kissing thing will work itself out on its own. My only advice for when it happens is to keep it simple – I just remember seeing a trailer for some reality show where two people who never kissed anyone before got married to each other and had the most awkward first kiss at the alter- in front of their families – it looked like they were down right hungry. Um – so don’t do THAT – for your first kiss less is definitely better than more.
I wasn’t sure what the other guy was trying to say here. But… agree… don’t make it worse for the LW.
LW, don’t worry about the sex part. One step at a time, seriously. Intimacy at whatever level you choose will happen when you and the person of your choosing both feel comfortable enough. And it will all turn out just fine. For now, enjoy dating! There is a lot of fun to be had in going on dates. Don’t rush or take for granted any of the steps on your journey!
I love the advice to remember that you’re trying to figure out if YOU like your date. The very first time I did an in-person meeting with someone online, I was SO concerned with being likable that I didn’t notice that I didn’t like him… until the 2nd date. And then I realized that I didn’t just not like him, but I didn’t like him enough to leave early under the guise of needing to do laundry.
Also, I’m 30 and I have had many boyfriends and dates and first kisses, and I just met a new guy that makes me giddy and we’ve been out TWO WHOLE TIMES and I’m an anxious insecure wreck! And we haven’t kissed yet and BELIEVE ME, I’m obsessing about it and, at times, spiraling. 🙂
Oh, gosh, I know this feeling. I’m 27 and have never been kissed or had a boyfriend. I have been on dates and talked to guys, so I’m not a total hermit or anything, but I just haven’t found anything that clicks yet. I’ve done the online dating thing, but didn’t really get much out of it, and when I asked one of my recently married guy friends to set me up because he said he had a lot of single friends, he had no idea who to set me up with! So frustrating. And I tend to worry too much about whether or not a guy likes me rather than if I like him. Although I will say that I’m a little uptight because I have a history of divorce in my family. My mom has been there twice, my aunt went through it once and my sister is in the process of getting her divorce proceedings started. Needless to say, if I am going to do it, I want to do it right, which makes me more particular and weary than most.
Oh writeway, don’t even think about divorce/marriage yet! I know it’s hard sometimes if you are results focused – and I say this as someone results focused – but you can’t skip steps – even in your head. From my friends that date successfully, this is what I realized: The ONLY purpose of a date is to figure out if you want to spend more time with the guy. That is IT. There are some things in life where you can get away with putting the cart before the horse… dating usually isn’t one of them though. You can’t bring marriage/divorce into the equations until WAY later in the game – even in your head. I’ve had guy friends tell me they can sense when that is the end goal (as opposed to getting to know the guy) and then they bale because they feel the girl just wants them to step into a role that was already created before she met them. The difference for them really was ‘she wants to marry ME’ as opposed to ‘she wants to marry and I’ll do – even if it was I’ll do great’. Do you have a girlfriend that can be honest with you about your approach? Or a guy friend? It might be hard to hear if you put off a certain vibe you don’t think you are putting out – but it is better to know so you can fix it rather than sabotaging yourself. Some people are a slow burn rather than a snap decision – you kind of have to figure out how you think and see if that works for you or if you have to change your approach.
I have a couple of friends who aren’t afraid to be blunt with me, absolutely. One is a girl and a couple are guys, so I have a wide range of opinions to draw from.
And yes, I am very results focused. I’m one of those people that wants to get everything right and be good at everything I set for; I pretty much hate to fail. I know it’s not the best outlook, but it’s hard to change.
Word. I’m the same way, which is why I also fall in the 30-and-never-had-a-boyfriend category. I feel like
… whatever guy I date, I need to know that it’s going somewhere. I like having a plan, so taking risks (especially with my heart) is something I’ve never done. Definitely trying to work on that. And take dates as they come instead of looking at the bigger picture.
Thanks. I needed ALL this. Thank you all.
LW – Besides WWS… Relax! Just go with the flow of things and don’t stress! If push comes to shove, you can always tell your date the real deal on your dating experience. Don’t give away too much of yourself, but if you just relax and go with it and stop worrying so much about what he thinks of you (just an fyi… he must like you if he asked you out for a SECOND date…) and don’t worry about kisses. They come naturally and take practice like all new things. And sex… worry about it when you get there and you’re ready.
I was 21 when I had my first kiss, and it was with a guy who I would have never gone out with now, but back then I was in *UNICORN WISHES LOVE* with him, simply because he liked me and wanted to date me when I was sure I was undateable. He was such a weird kisser. He just stuck his non moving tongue in my mouth like I was supposed to re-animate it or something and every 10 seconds or so of kissing he would stop and push his check into mine like we were 1940’s movie lovers, separated by this damn war.
BUT, as weird as he was with that stuff, he was so gentle with how nervous I was. I was so shy I couldn’t even look at him. He just sweetly started to hold my hand, asked me if that was ok (I was so shy I could barely nod), put his hand in my hair, and he waited for me to get the nerve to look in his eye before his kissed me (he also kindly ignored that I was fire engine red). I remember that so fondly, because without knowing that I had never kissed anyone else, he knew to be sweet and slow with me because I just somehow exuded that I needed to be treated like that.
After that, I kind of owned how shy I was with guys. I have never, to this day, made a move on a guy first. Every guy I’ve been with has had to do 90% of the work (thanks Hitch!) and I moved from being terrified that I was going to mess up kissing a guy, to LOVING that tense feeling waiting for a guy to kiss me. The guy you went out with is going to be more nervous about what he should or shouldn’t do, so try your best to enjoy that, because it is so.much.fun. watching a guy fidget like that.
So here’s a couple tips from another late bloomer (who made up for time and then some with kissin since):
1.Don’t put all your eggs in one make out basket with this guy. Keep looking for more dates no matter what happens on this date.
2. At the same time, don’t think about how you should be, be how you are. Your confidence will inspire him to make a move on you. If he doesn’t make a move on you, it was nothing to do with you, only to do with his own issues.
3. Embrace the awkwardness. Sit in a car with him or where ever until you run out of conversation and wait for those delicious weird silent moments where no one talks. That’s when the kissing happens. If good conversation happens forever, there’s no segue-way to make out time.
4. Keep some mints in your pocket (although most guys will be too nervous thinking about their own breath).
5. Kissing is crazy easy. Just don’t bite him…..yet.
Haha, yes that’s really all it takes.
And I think, for me at least, the best kisses I’ve had are not because of the dude’s awesome technique, but because *he* was awesome and somebody I really wanted to kiss. I don’t think I have any memories were I went out with a guy who I was ho-hum about but who’s kiss made me feel weak in the knees.
LW, if you two are excited about each other, your kiss will be amazing. Just don’t go nutso trying to impress him with a bunch of tips you’ve picked up secondhand. As long as you don’t lick his face off, if he’s into you he’s going to be into the kiss you two share.
hahahahahaah, so funny story, for my first kiss with my now-boyfriend (of 3.5hrs) I TOTALLY gnawed on his face – to the point that he actually had scabs for a like a week!
I was SUPER drunk and it was NOT classy but over three years later, I’m writing this on the couch while he’s working on our dining room table, so, honestly besides having one of the worst first kisses of all time – things have most definitely worked out!
Wendy’s advice is great! I was 27 before I really started dating anyone. I was always so shy and I was convinced I was going to be alone forever. But, I found dating got easier the more I did it. Which I mean makes sense looking back but at the time I thought I would never succeed that I would somehow get an F in dating and be banned from it or something ridiculous.
Just try and relax and have fun. And kissing is always awkward at first, but just tell yourself that despite the fact that at the moment you feel like you’re going to throw up, people do this for fun, and if you let yourself go and enjoy the moment you’ll have fun too.
LW I will tell you a little story about myself that I hope will make you feel better. I was 19 and still a virgin and just decided one day that I didn’t want to be a virgin anymore. I knew this guy who had a crush on me so when he asked me out I said yes with the intention of having sex with him….but I was so nervous because I had zero experience and had no clue what to do…so the night of the “date” i drank half a 40 oz of vodka and we went for a drive (I was too drunk to actually go to a restaurant or public place)…anyways long story short we had sex and I thought he would never call me again…but the very next day he did…i’m not sure what my point to this is…just thought it might make you feel better to know that everyone is nervous when they date and there is a first time for everything (and everyone goes through it).
I had this same mindset when I turned in my v-card. (Not to hire a professsional, but to just lose it and get it over with.) It was so…not. I wish I could do it again. Maybe I should’ve hired a professional. Seriously, LW, do it when you’re ready and for the right reason.
Me too. The first time was with someone I didn’t really care about and I just wanted to get it over with to get it over with.
It was pretty bad. Its not a huge regret, I don’t carry around any shame about it, but if I knew then what I knew know I would’ve waited for someone I genuinely cared about to have my first sexual experience with.
And you know what? I would still feel awkward and scared each time I first got with someone I really liked. Having had sex before didn’t necessarily make things less awkward, anxiety inducing, or make me feel anymore competent. Being nervous when you get naked for the first time in front of someone you care about is part of the game.
I totally agree. It’s scary. And having a bad first time can definitely color your perception of sex. At least if I HAD hired a professional, it might’ve gone better.
If the chemistry is working, being a “bad kisser” is fixable, and something people are willing to put time into in order to fix (it isn’t like kissing isn’t fun)… If the chemistry isn’t there, being a “good kisser” doesn’t help much (if any).
If the chemistry works, a lot of this will sort itself out; if the relationship has mutual respect, mutual interests, and chemistry… you’ll be fine. If you don’t have those three, no amount of previous dating experience will save it.
I think there’s a big gender difference there. Both in terms of self-perception and outward perception about being a virgin.
Also, I think that hiring a professional is much more of an option for a man than it is for a woman. The world isn’t exactly crawling with straight male prostitutes.
I think there is some value to that–lord knows I was a wreck when my gf and I first got together. But at the same time, I don’t think sleeping with a random would have actually helped me. I think it just would have made my self-esteem even worse. Maybe a sex surrogate? MAYBE?
LW, a kiss can be like a dance. Let him lead. You can just follow until you figure out what you would like.
Has “First Kiss” or “first sex” ever been a weekend open thread? Sounds like everyone has some really funny / awkawrd / sweet stories!
LW, I feel you! I am a bit of a late-bloomer too. I dated a little in my early 20’s and had a boyfriend for awhile, but after we broke up I didn’t have another boyfriend or kiss anyone again for 7 years, until last year at 28. I thought I’d forget how to do it! But don’t worry, it really does come very naturally and is very easy – especially if you really like each other. With my ex (whom I still miss terribly, dangit), last year, I knew it was going to happen on our third date (which lasted all day) but it took him about 12 hours to get up the courage to kiss me – and then it was so sweet. It sounds cliche, but you really will know when it’s right, and then it will be lovely! I’m very excited for you. 🙂
I am turning 33 years old and have never had a boyfriend. Well, I have dated, and had two situations that could have led to a interrelationship but sadly didn’t. The second situation really felt like we were headed toward having a relationship. We had made out a couple times and I thought: “Wow, I am heading to a relationship”, but it didn’t turn out that way. Even though he liked me as a person, he still didn’t want a relationship with me because he didn’t have time and felt that we were on two different paths (and we were). I felt crushed and taken for a ride. I couldn’t fathom how you could make out with someone and not want to a relationship. Now I have learned that when a guy kisses you, it doesn’t always mean he wants you as his girlfriend, but rather, he just wants to kiss you.
Well, I know this is an old post but I wanted to say you are not alone. I’m a few weeks away from 30 and I’ve never had a relationship. I’ve had a few flings that’s lasted a couple of months but never past it. Never something where we were exclusives. I closed myself for years due to loosing my parents and even after I opened up, I blame my weight (I’m not obese but I’m chubby) on the fact that I’m single. It’s realky difficult to work on our self esteem and I hope to work even more on that soon.
I’m 40 and have never had a girlfriend and still a virgin. My 1st kiss was my last kiss and my best kiss. I was a shy person so never stood a chance so gave up long ago.
Great article Thanks for providing such valuable information
This was so helpful. Thank you for taking the time to post it.