“I’m Afraid to Tell My Parents that I’m Moving in With My Boyfriend”
The issue is my parents. They live across the country and are older, traditional, and very religious. You know the type – they would be horrified at the thought of my living with a man before I got married. What would people think? Sex before marriage is wrong! Etc. They adopted me when I was a baby, the three of us have always been very close, and I would hate to disappoint them. They are understandably very protective, and they have usually had a hand in my major life decisions. Furthermore, they are supporting me financially as I finish up this degree. I would have around six more months remaining at school at the time of my lease coming up.
I’ve spoken to my boyfriend about all of this and how much it concerns me. He has a good job and has offered to support me financially if my parents pull the plug on my funding. Honestly, I don’t think that they would stop paying for school but living expenses is a distinct possibility. I could easily get a part time job and take longer finishing school, to make sure ends meet. I’m just trying to figure out how to make this process as minimally destructive to our relationship as possible.
I guess my biggest concern is how to have this conversation with them. I know it’s important to be calm, rational, and respectful. But frankly, I’m terrified. Boyfriend has offered to be part of that conversation and to explain to my parents that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I’m not sure if that will help or hurt. I feel like that, if I’m not mature enough to step up to the plate and tell my parents of my decision, I’m probably not mature enough to be thinking of getting married. I’ve made my decision about moving in with him, and I feel like that decision is based on both logic and love. I just need to work up the guts to do it. The advice of someone more experienced would be greatly appreciated here. — Scared to Talk to Parents
You sound like a very rational, smart woman with a good head on her shoulders, and I bet your parents are so proud of you. That doesn’t mean, however, that you’ve never disappointed them or that you won’t ever disappoint them in the future. Whether or not you move in with your boyfriend now or sometime before you actually get engaged or get married, you will probably at some point let your parents down in some way. There will be something they probably will wish you would have done differently or there will be some event or occasion or incident in your life they will wish had a different outcome. These things may even be totally out of your control. But that doesn’t mean your parents will be any less disappointed.
My point is, if you live your life trying to never ever disappoint Mom and Dad, you will fail. I suggest instead living the life that you think will lead you to the most satisfaction, fulfillment, and happiness. And it sounds like that’s what you’re doing. You know you want to live with your boyfriend and you’re ready for the potential effects of that decision; you just don’t know how to tell your parents.
Here’s what I suggest: call them up and tell them you have some important news. Tell them how grateful you are for the love and guidance they raised you with and that so much of the woman you are today is because of the kind of parents they were. Remind them of some of the values they instilled and the qualities they helped nurture, including independence and intelligence. And then tell them how lucky you feel that you have met someone who has fallen in love with those qualities and who has qualities you equally value. Tell them you know you want to spend your life with this person and you hope that, when you are both ready to make that commitment, your parents will embrace him and love him they way you hope his parents will embrace and love you. And then tell them that, for you, part of becoming ready for the commitment of marriage is living together and making sure you are compatible as domestic partners and to do that you plan to move in with him in a few months when your lease is up.
They will have a reaction, obviously. And you’ll have to be prepared for whatever immediate reaction they might have. But if they are good, loving parents, your decision will not ruin your relationship. They will eventually come around. Because as much as you don’t want to lose them, I’m sure they don’t want to lose you. But they will have to let go a little to keep you. Every parent does. And this is their time to let go a little more. Just hold your ground if it takes them awhile and remember: you are living YOUR life, and, if they want to be a part of it, they will have no choice but to accept the decisions you make.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.
For me, telling my parents that gf and I are moving in together was big and scary, even though (1) my family lost credibility on the sin aspect a while ago, (2) my 19-year-old sister was going to move in with her boyfriend and it was only logistics that didn’t work out, and (3) my stepbrother just had a kid with his girlfriend, and they moved in together after she got pregnant. So I knew they weren’t going to be upset about it or anything.
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I think it was scary because it’s another aspect of growing up, forming your own family unit, and growing away from your family. So I definitely get it from that perspective.
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And FWIW, if your boyfriend said he’d support you, take him at his word. Write up a contract if that makes you more comfortable (and because it’s generally smart) and have him pay for your schooling. He offered it freely.
After reading all these comments, it makes me feel so much better about having similar anxieties about my parents. We usually tell LWs that if they aren’t mature enough to stand up to their parents, they aren’t ready to do what they’re proposing to do. But I’m wondering if maybe being mature doesn’t necessarily take away the (normal?) fears of disappointing (or worse, angering) our parents. Thanks to @Christy especially — transitions are hard! Bravery means you Just Do It even if you’re scared. 🙂
When I read this, I wanted to add to what Wendy said…
LW, I get that telling your parents is scary. I also get being raised in a more conservative or traditional household. And finally, I get being close to your parents and the last thing you want to do is disappoint them.
Just remember that it goes both ways. The disappointment that is. And they might do something one day to disappoint you. Heck, maybe their reaction to the news will be that day. But don’t underestimate the love you have for each other. Sure, things might go differently than your parents had planned, but from the way it sounds, they have your best interest at heart and will get over it. I promise you that parents who have good relationships with their children learn to change and adapt and will go on having good relationships with their children.
The LW is moving from a situation where she’s her parents’ financial dependent to one where she’s her boyfriend’s financial dependent. That’s not great. Living in a home that you are paying for and eating food that you are paying for and wearing clothes that you are paying for is also a very important box to check. In fact, I think it will ultimately be very important for your ability to go long-term.
I have started encouraging couples not to go straight from the parental home to the marital home, but to make sure that there’s at least a year of financial independence. One of the things to avoid is a situation in which it feels like the boyfriend is “dad,” which would be all kinds of weird.
Let dad be dad and let your boyfriend be your boyfriend.
I don’t think she needs to be entirely financially independent at this point – it’s OK to accept financial support from her parents, or if necessary from her boyfriend. However, I would urge LW to come up with a plan that would allow her to earn her degree even if the worst happens and her parents withdraw their support AND the relationship with her bf subsequently ends. In short: She doesn’t need to go completely independent just to prove a point but she should make sure that she has a fallback option.
I don’t think she needs to be financially independent now, but she needs to achieve financial independence at some point before she starts living with her boyfriend.
I’m all for financial independence, but could you expand on the idea that it’s something that needs to be achieved before moving in with the boyfriend? I’m not really seeing the problem with continuing to receive financial support from her parents and living with her boyfriend. What’s important is that she’s on the way to earning her own money, which she is in virtue of graduating soon.
I don’t know what @AmyP’s reasons are, but I agree with her idea, and here’s why: because being totally financially independent teaches you a lot of very important life skills that I think you simply can’t acquire any other way. And it also improves your confidence in your own ability to handle adult life in a way that nothing else can. You now know, from experience, that you can do it, if you absolutely must — and you know HOW. If the relationship goes south — she can take care of herself. If her parents split with her (worst case scenario) — she can take care of herself. If her parents and/or boyfriend lose their work and savings and she has to be the breadwinner — she knows she’s capable of earning money and managing her financial life, all on her own. Those are important things to learn, just in themselves. But then you add the psychological component that if she KNOWS she can take care of herself, she doesn’t feel added pressure to stay in her relationship (or doesn’t add pressure TO the relationship) because she sees the boyfriend as her only alternative to living on her parents’ support, or as her sole provider. Even if she eventually moves in and is no longer financially independent, having had that experience will teach her that she CAN if she must, and puts her on a more equal footing with her boyfriend.
I agree with you Banana. I don’t think it’s a very good idea to go straight from support of parents to support of the boyfriend. Living on your own and supporting yourself is actually quite freeing.
I strongly agree with this. The only thing in this whole letter that was concerning to me was the transfer of financial dependency. I don’t think it’s The Worst Thing in the World, but I think moving into his house and being supported by him may create an uncomfortable dynamic.
My suggestion would be to continue living apart until you no longer need your parents’ money. It sounds like that wouldn’t be very long — less than a year (your lease is up in a few months, and you’ll finish your degree 6 months after that, right?). Why not just wait instead of introducing this extra stress into your lives?
I really feel for you, LW. I’m in a similar position (but I’m 33 and engaged) and actually almost wrote to DW about this, too. Mr. LP and I are moving in together in May but I haven’t told my parents yet because not only are they really religious, but my dad is sick and my grandmother has been in and out of the ICU for over a week and I don’t want to dump this on my mom when her stress level is at an all-time high. I love Wendy’s advice and really took it to heart, although I’m opting to send them an email rather then tell them over the phone because of how they’ve handled things in the past. I’m going to tell them that I know they’ll be disappointed so I’m giving them time to process this before we talk about it so they can recover from the “shock” a little (although this shouldn’t be a surprise because I’m pretty sure the majority of engaged couples live together). I’m very close with them and they love my fiancé so I hope this doesn’t sour our relationship. I wish I had taken this stand years ago though because it only gets harder as you get older. Good luck!
I was 28 when I had the “moving in with my bf” discussion with my parents for the first time. My dad was much more religious than my mom, and I’d always been the “good daughter” as opposed to the “wild child”. However, they both took it wonderfully, and were actually happy for us to take that step. I wasn’t just moving in with him; I was moving for a better job with more hours, and had been financially independent for years, but I know my anxiety made it much worse than it was.
Can you extend your l ease by 6 months? I personally would try to go that route and get graduating over with, than jump into this new relationship phase.
I thought the same thing when I read its only 6 more months, but I guess she’s made up her mind. Just would seem easier to wait.
It seems SO much easier to wait! And 6 months really isn’t THAT long. GGuy and I had to push my moving date around like a year and while it sucked…in hindsight we waited until it was the most opportune time.
Plus, finishing out grad school is going to likely be stressful. Why add in the stress of figuring out how to live with a new person and potential family issues? One headache at a time, please.
im with you. extending by 6 months is nothing. its probably the smartest move here.
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honestly, waiting wont really change anything re: the parents, because they arent going to be married in that 6 months, but it will just alleviate the stress of doing all this while worrying about college costs.
I 100% agree with all of you. If the LW ends up getting engaged and married and spends the rest of her life with him, 6 months won’t make out or break it. Totally move in together before getting engaged, but there’s really no use in rushing in to living together.
That’s what I was thinking.
And, under the assumption that LW currently lives close to campus – a 2 hour commute every day will cut into work time significantly. I know that when I was in grad school, I had to budget my time so carefully. I’m not sure I could have handled losing 2 hours a day to a commute and still have completed everything to my satisfaction (and apply to jobs and had a life). LW, this is your decision, and I’m confident you’ll make the best choice for you since you are putting so much thought into this. I just wanted to point out commute time because it’s something I would have over-looked when making this decision that, after having a commute, I have learned is a big deal to me. Then again, I know someone else who is fine with her 2-hour round trip commute. Something to think about.
My 2 hour round trip commute to my job while I was in grad school killed me. I could have gotten so much more work done and so much more out of the program if I’d had those extra hours during the week! (And maybe my master’s program would have only taken the suggested 2 years, instead of the 5 it actually took).
Yeah, it’s a lot easier to extend the lease. I get that she lives an hour away, but in the long run, that won’t seem so bad. My husband and I lived 90 minutes apart for 3 years before we moved in together. And it sucked at the time, but you just make it work when you really want to be with someone, and know that it will get easier and better.
We lived 900 miles apart and still survived extending the move in by a year! 6 months is a drop in the hat (or what ever the expression is, I’m too sick today) when a relationship is going the long haul.
I’m sorry you’re sick! 🙁
Of course I’m sick during the nicest 3 day stretch we’ve had since October! And I have cramps on top of it! At least my body isn’t aching like it was yesterday, that sucked.
Parents should expect their child to differ in beliefs and values and be their own person. And many parents do come around even when they don’t always agree with their child’s choices. Like Wendy said, parents have to let go a little in order to keep you. You may be surprised, in a good way.
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It does make it trickier that you’re financially dependent on them. But even if they don’t support you, it sounds like you have a good fallback plan and the loving support of your boyfriend. I’m sure that even if they protest at first, if they’ve always been loving and supportive of you, then they will continue to do so.
well, first off, i do agree with the above commentor about going from your parent’s financial dependent to your boyfriends- thats not exactly the greatest? not that it cant work, but… if it fails that could be potentially really bad. i would maybe have a better plan then just having the boyfriend pay if your parents flip out. extending your lease by 6 months, for instance, would be so easy. what is 6 months if your planning to be together for the rest of your lives? you know?
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but- whether or not you use this issue as your stand against your parents wishes is a moot point. at some point in your life, you will have to take a stand against your parents wishes… that is like, basically guaranteed. you are a completely separate person with potentially 100% differing beliefs- and even if you do mostly believe with your parents, say, 75% of the time, there would still then be the 25% that you dont. even if you *almost always* followed in your parents beliefs, say 98% of the time, there would still be that 2%. there just always will be, and at some point you will have to just accept that you will live your life how you choose. at least, i hope you accept that, because the flip side of that is not a healthy path at all.
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and i get it, you are still in college, just starting out on your own, bla bla bla- but, just frame it that way. this is it, your first move as a full adult. your first move without their consent forms signed, potentially without their money, without their voices in your head… this is all you. this is the first time of many times that you are doing shit on your own. thats good. thats life. own that.
LW, your belief system and your parents aren’t in sync since the moving in and sin thing are going to bother them and not you. Wendy is right, your parents want what is best for you.
What religious belief systems bring to the table is a scenario where families stable families are the outcome. In the case of religion people stayed together because they couldn’t leave. That’s harsh and does not always bring happiness to everyone.
I would remind your parent that both you, your boyfriend as well as your parents are after the same goal. A happy family that will last a lifetime. Today this isn’t done as it used to, and seeing the divorce rate not always done well, but you think that you are on the right path and that is another step bringing you closer to that goal.
If they push back hard, I would throw them a bone and promise no children before marriage.
Oops, sorry, guys, I don’t know why comments were initially closed on this one, but they’re open now, so comment away.
LW, my situation was a lot like yours. I was really, really scared to tell my parents Dave and I planned on moving in together. What worked for me was telling them WAY in advance. I told them in December, and we didn’t move in together until August. My reasoning was that they would know that we were serious about this, that we’d thought it through and weren’t rushing into it or making decisions based on emotions alone.
I think you should just let them know what your plan is, say “this is what we’re thinking of doing, I just wanted to let you know”. This is not their decision to make, and if you’re prepared to deal with the financial complications that come from it, then go for it- You’re not doing anything wrong.
I agree with Bethany to tell them way in advance. I’m currently in a similar situation, except it’s my boyfriend’s parents who are rather traditional and conservative. We’ve been planning on moving cities once we graduate and moving in for about a year and a half now. He told his parents what we were going to be doing about six months ago so that they would have plenty of time to adjust and get used to the idea since we won’t be moving in together for another six months or so. At first, they freaked out on him but as time has passed, they’re more comfortable with the idea even though they’re still not all that happy about it because they want us to get married before we live together. What really helped in our case was him sitting down with them and explaining why we where moving in together and that we had thought it it out and weren’t doing it purely based on emotions alone. His father still wasn’t entirely convinced but once my boyfriend explained and showed him how much money we’d save by sharing an apartment, he begrudgingly agreed that it was logical that we would want to move in together, even though saving money on rent is pretty far down on our list of priorities for wanting to live together.
We actually did the opposite! GGuy’s parents are very solidly against any kind of co-habitation before marriage, basically even sleeping in the same room in two different beds is a HUGE no. There where some exacerbating circumstances, but we told them the night before that we where moving in together the following day. They didn’t have time to freak out and we where firm in our decision. (But LW, we where both financially independent at that point. I’d wait the 6 months till graduation if I was you.)
LW, have your parents met or spent any time with your boyfriend? Maybe it was in the letter, but I didn’t see. I can imagine conservative parents feeling better about this if they could observe with their own eyes that this is a good man who treats you well – not just hearing that he does. So maybe it takes more than 6 months for the parentials to get to know him well but staying in your own apartment month-to-month in order to nuture their relationship with him and smooth the way (to the living-together revelation, which I think you should both talk to your parents about together) would be both mature and kind.
Don’t underestimate a parents ability to understand and love you. Your old enough to know the risks of what your getting into and I’ll bet that they’ve already thought about ‘what if she does that’. They’re fully aware that society has changed since they we young and wanted to do the very same thing. They’ve loved you for 24 years, it’s not going stop them from continuing to do so. Moving in together BEFORE telling your parents might be a good idea. It eliminates their “If you do that, we’ll _____” response.
BRAVO! for having a plan if they do stop their financial support.
I needed to read this, too. After my boyfriend graduates, and after a summer of care-free fun to celebrate, I want to talk to him about moving in. At this point, I feel confident in our relationship, our status on Wendy’s list of 15 things to do before moving in, and my emotional readiness to take this step. More and more, I’ve just been longing for it. But the single BIGGEST, hugest thing holding me back is figuring out how to break it to my parents. They’re not even ultra-conservative; I just know that they’d be disappointed that we weren’t at least engaged before doing this. But I want to, and I’m ready. And I think he is too — we’ve talked about it in the general sense a lot, we just haven’t started to make concrete, dates-attached plans. I’m just nervous.
You never know, they might surprise you. I remember back on the day when I moved in with my boyfriend of less than a year temporarily for the summer, I was really nervous about my parents disapproving. They aren’t conservative or anything, but they hasn’t been OK with guys staying over and had been really strict with curfew and knowing where I was all the time. So my plan was to ease them into it and my mom surprised me by suggesting I move in with him before I’d said anything except bring up some summer housing issues. I’m not saying that’ll happen, but parents can surprise you.
Thanks for this story, Portia! That’s encouraging. I guess this letter REALLY resonated with me today, but I’ve realized lately that I truly am ready to move in. I used to fear my parents’ opinion, AND not quite know if I was ready myself. I feel like a lot of my previous doubts have been dispelled, and the only thing that’s left is the pain of telling my parents that my life isn’t going to go exactly the way THEY probably imagined it. Which, as Wendy points out, is just a part of life…and doesn’t even necessarily mean they’ll be mad at me.
All this talk about people being afraid of telling their parents about moving in together reminded me that my parents were upset I waited until we were engaged to live together. They didn’t wait and they think that’s the “right” way. Like no matter what, I think it’s universal to either fear disappointing your parents or them actually feeling disappointed with various choices you make. But you just have to make the best choice for you and your parents will either accept it and support you or not. And most parents who are truly supportive will be there no matter what.
Interesting perspective!
The best way to approach a difficult conversation is with confidence. If you’re confident in your decision, it will be easy to shield the disappointment from your parents. My recommendation in this particular scenario is to start talking about it with your parents before you actually decide to move in together. Tell them exactly why you think it’s a good idea. Mention the fact that he owns his own house. Ease them into it. They’ll be shocked at first- let them. If you’re confident about it, they will probably come around. It will at least be a lot easier to break the news later on.
Why do parents have to be so difficult about this? I genuinely hope things go well for you, all I’ll suggest is even if things go horribly wrong stick with what you want to do and explain that you are your own person. I have been told about a girl whose parents were very religious and when she told them she was in a relationship they have obviously practically disowned her.
From my own experience: I was going to move in with an ex boyfriend a few years back and my parents made my life miserable since. My mother actually called him on the phone, crying, begging him to “leave me alone”. We never moved in together. And yet I was often reminded how great they were for stopping me from doing something stupid.
I truly hope your experience is a lot better, my advice is just stick to what you know you want to do and be respectful when saying that this is your life and you need to be happy.
So, I’ll offer some differing advice. My friend had this situation come up, and while her initial reaction was to sit her mom down for a VERY SERIOUS conversation, I suggested the opposite. I don’t want to make parents sound like wild animals, but overbearing parents can sense weakness and, if they are the type to butt in, will try to use that to their advantage in order to change their child’s mind and get their way. My friend typically would engage her mom in these talks where she would think she was telling her mom something, but it very often came across as though she was asking for permission or accepting advice. When she started being more nonchalant about news and began telling her mom closer to the event, her mom seemed to realize that she was an adult who was informing her of nonnegotiable news and therefore spent less time fighting her.
Obviously, you have to decide what will work for your parents. But framing something as a super big deal may only just make them more stressed about it and feed into their anxiety.
NEWSFLASH: If you can’t pay your own way — you are NOT ready to move in with your boyfriend/girlfriend/whatever… Honestly? It’s really as simple as that. People should grow up first — then start playing house.
I might need a brain scan but I’m just digging everything you’re saying lately, even with all the sass. In my defense I’m home sick with the flu and I just popped some pills and all I have to eat in this house is beans – seriously – and as a result I just feel very imbalanced on top and down below. But really, I give you two Tylenol PMs up.
Also, is it bad that I keep filling my puppy’s bowl with food hoping that if I can get him nice and full he’ll stop with all the energy already? (I’m gonna be a stellar mom, I just know it.)
You should get him puzzles! They have like toys that dogs can play with that make them work for treats. It will keep him occupied!
Oh bought one of those. He has to lift a flap with his paws to get the treat out, but the flaps scare him…. Zzzzzz…. This dog only likes the following: sit on my face; sit on my lap; fetch things I throw, lick my face. …
Oh man, does this hit close to home (and a lot of the comments too). Wendy’s advice was great, and the posters have some good advice too. I have struggled with this a lot for a variety of reasons (victimized parenting, I do have some financial support, I’m 23) and probably could have used this advice a while ago. When I decided to move in with Benjamin (and his mom, and her husband, and 2 interns) I mulled over the decision myself/with Benjamin and then made my mind up. And then next time my parents asked about my living situation I just breezily threw it out there as if the decision was already carved into stone. There was no “serious conversation” because it wasn’t a conversation. It was my decision, for better or for worse. And I had a back up plan if things went south with my parents or my SO.
If everything goes according to the master plan, I will have never been 100% financially independent. HOWEVER… I’d rather be dependent upon my parents or my significant other than the bank (to a certain degree). I can pay them back with actual cash, personal favors, love, IOUs, etc. I can pay the bank back in cold hard cash with significant interest. Going to professional school meant that I was essentially taking on one kind of debt or another. There are strings attached with any decision or assistance I would be provided. I tried to make the most intelligent long-term choice for me which was accepting assistance now so as to not be crippled by my “current independence” later in life. And then down the line if my parents or SO need to lean on me I will be happy to help and remember the assistance they gave me when I needed it.
So that’s my two cents on this financial independence thing.
ALSO… if I were to follow the advice of financial independence mentioned above… I could not get married until I paid off my undergraduate and professional school debt which would probably take me at least half my life even if I did what I did do currently which was scrounge for every single scholarship and work part time to full time whenever possible. Do what you gotta do, LW!!
Do you think it’s the guy’s responsibility to speak to the woman’s parents about this?
So i have a question for you all I’m 20 years old and i am going to college and my bf and i have been dating for almost 2 months and i want to move in with his family and him because i feel like if i move in with someone I’ll end up doing more stuff then i do when I’m at home with my family so what do you all think?
No, don’t do it – it’s a really bad idea. What happens when you get in a fight with your boyfriend or want to break up? You’re 20, so the likelihood of you two lasting forever is slim. At some point, there will be tension between you – and living with his family, that tension will probably happen quickly – and then you’re surrounded by people who will take his side or, worse, gang up on you. If you want to “do more stuff,” then do more stuff. Plan things, organize things. Don’t move in with the family of someone you’ve been dating for a few weeks.
This is the honeymoon period when everything is great. Bad idea. Move into an apartment with other female students or friends. It’s nice to have some space from your boyfriend and his family at 20.
This seems like a great idea right now, but trust me, it’s healthier to have space at your age. You need to focus on school, not him.