“I’m Always Afraid My New Boyfriend is Going to Cheat on Me”
When we are together, he is always texting someone, and today I saw the name Heather. I know he has a lot of family members who he is really close to, and I don’t know all their names, so perhaps it’s one of them. I want so badly to ask him about it, but I also don’t want to be “that” girl who is so insecure that she has to do things like that. When we first got together, I told him I was scared because of my past, and he assured me that he’s been hurt also and would never hurt anyone in that way…but I’m still scared.
How can I get over this feeling? I know I should talk to him about it, but I have no idea how to even start a conversation like that, or what to say without coming across as crazy. Also, I want to tell him how much I care about him, and how much he means to me, but I am so afraid that I will say/do too much too soon and it might push him away. — Afraid of Being Cheated On
You know why you’re feeling a little crazy? Because this situation you’re in IS a little crazy. I mean, it’s been three months and you’re already thinking about how to give all of yourself to him? Honey, you should never give all of yourself to anyone, let alone some guy you’ve know for a handful of months. Really, if you don’t know all the names of his closest family members yet, then it’s especially inappropriate to be thinking about giving all of yourself to him. How about, oh I don’t know, focusing on getting to know him a little better before you totally dive in?
I get letters all the time from women like you who are afraid of being “that girl.” They are afraid of seeming like the crazy girlfriend. I’ve been there, too. I know what it feels like. And I understand how someone gets to that place where you’re constantly afraid of being hurt. That constant fear is often a warning sign. It’s your gut telling you something isn’t quite right. And a lot of times I think what isn’t quite right is the speed — the desperate speed — at which you want to claim someone as your own before you actually figure out whether you’re even a great match. You, specifically, sound like you’re in such a hurry to feel safe in a committed relationship that you are skipping over the part where you get to know this guy and decide if he’s even someone you should actually have a committed relationship with.
Frankly, if it were I and I had been dating a guy for just three months and whenever we were together he was “always texting someone,” I’d be like, “See ya.” At the very least, I’d ask him to put the phone down and pay some attention to me.
Why? Why are you so, so in love with someone who can’t even be bothered to put his damn phone down when he’s with you? That’s the real question here. Why are you so desperate to share your feelings with someone you don’t even seem to know very well (not well enough to know his close family member names, anyway)? Why are you so worked up over someone whose behavior toward you only makes you feel insecure and crazy? THAT’S the crazy party.
You aren’t crazy for worrying about being hurt; you’re crazy for thinking that this guy and your relationship is worth being so invested in at this point. You’re crazy for setting the bar so low. You’re crazy for thinking that this is love. Love isn’t being constantly afraid that your boyfriend of three months — who’s always texting someone when you’re together — is going to cheat on you. That isn’t love. Love is many things, but crazy desperation isn’t one.
Put the brakes on this relationship. S-L-O-W down. Find validation in your friendships and your family and your work and the things you do for other people. Instead of giving all of yourself over to this guy, give about 10% or 15% for now and let him earn more. You want to know how to stop feeling so crazy and clingy? Don’t ever give more of yourself to a potential mate than he or she has shown s/he deserves. It’s really that simple.Period.
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WWS. The texting part would drive me nuts.
Heather might even be his mom, though.
That would almost be a deal breaker for me if someone called his mom by her first name.
WWS. LW, it sounds like you’re longing for a state of total safety and bliss (in union with another person) that’s just not attainable, much less after 3 months of being with someone. Anytime you get involved with another person you run the risk of being disappointed, that’s part of life. There’s always a need to find a balance between trusting and “giving yourself” and retaining your ability to function independently of others, even those you love the most.
“Love is many things, but crazy desperation isn’t one.” — LOVE IT.
LW, real life is not all the movies and all the princesses and all the stupid bullshit we were fed as kids and teens. its just not. and the more you try to force that, to fight against what would otherwise feel comfortable and healthy, the more you will make yourself crazy.
also, can i just say i *hate* the phrase “giving all of myself to him/her”? hate it. so much. so gross.
I love every part of Wendy’s response. It should be required reading for people who find themselves getting too wrapped up and too invested in a relationship quickly (most of us have been there.)
I especially love the part where Wendy said “let him earn more.”
WWS. At 3 months, you should still be getting to know someone, not giving them your all.
And why don’t you just ask him who he’s texting all the time? When my husband is texting, I’ll ask him who he’s talking to. It’s not accusatory or controlling to ask him who he’s texting. If the doorbell rang and he went to answer it, I’d ask him who was at the door when he came back. It seems like SO many people make simple conversations into a really, really big deal when they don’t need to be.
Wendy’s advice is really refreshing and definitely something LW should hear and heed. Reframing the question into “is this person right for me?” is a really powerful tool for those who are consumed by fear of rejection.
However, I disagree that LW is crazy and I am uncertain if the boyfriend is no good. LW says that he’s great and the one complaint is him texting too much –which is a pretty common habit of people under age 30 (heck, I’m on my phone too much too and I’m 37).
I think these fears are pretty normal.And when LW talks about “giving everything” I think she is referring to her worry that her fears will stick around indefinitely and prevent her from being able to truly get to know this person. I also think you can have a pretty good idea about a person and the potential of a relationship after 3 months. I’m not advocating a warp-speed approach —I think those types of beginnings often burn up quick— but I think 3 months is long enough that you might recognize if you have something special and that’s precisely when the fear kicks in.
Not sure if I’ve articulated my points well but it’s just my 2 cents. I don’t disagree with Wendy’s advice –but I guess I just see LW’s worries as less an indicator of insanity and more a product of being caught in the moment. A little perspective will go a long way. I’d advise LW to get some distance and, as Wendy suggests, reconnect with friends, family, hobbies. Do things that remind you how valuable you are. Then stop worrying about him cheating and start focusing on the good. Romantic love always involves fear and a leap of faith. Balancing that with rational thinking is one of life’s great challenges.
WWS.
Also, I personally think when you are in the right relationship a lot of theses issues just fall away. I dated one guy a year, it was wrong the whole time and I was a mess of anxiety/doubt/fear that he would cheat and I didn’t trust him etc. We broke up, thank goodness but I ended that relationship thinking I had all of these issues and would never trust someone. Then I met someone who I really clicked with, and things were so easy, and I trusted him immediately, and it felt so right that I realized even if you like someone you could be forcing something that just isn’t right for you (as I had done previously). Listen to those feelings, life is too short to drive yourself crazy over a relationship that just isn’t a good fit, regardless of how great the guy is.
LW i understand what you are feeling completely….if there was ever two emotions i could burn out of my brain it would be jealousy and insecurity…..but its no way to live in constant fear that someone will hurt you (i know easier said than done)….the worst part is the tighter you try to hold on to someone the more you will end up pushing them away (the exact thing you don’t want to do!)…..also at this stage of the relationship you should be having fun and getting to know each other…..living in fear is no way to go through life, so relax and enjoy the moment….if god forbid something bad does happen, at least you can say you tried your best and it wasn’t your insecurity that ended the relationship….chin up and know that you aren’t the only one who feels this way 😀
Eh, I dunno. With a serious disease like cystic fibrosis, isn’t it possible he is simply texting somebody about how he is feeling?
Also, another wiser perspective is that if you are too clingy too early in the relationship, the other person will feel smothered and WILL bail on you. You will end up creating a reality you did not want. So WWS. Chill out and slow it down and let him EARN your love and trust.
Three months is a bit soon to be feeling all loved up like this but maybe you’re young or wear your heart on your sleeve? 100% WWS, get out and do things for you that don’t involve your relationship – you’re putting too much pressure on it too early and he hasn’t really had a chance to show that he deserves so much of your love yet. I get that after being hurt in other relationships, this one must feel precious but YOU are what is previous to you, take care of you first.
As someone who constantly struggles with these kind of feelings in relationships as well, I feel for you. Love can be a wonderful but scary thing, learn how to reassure yourself when those feelings pop up and don’t be afraid to ask. Don’t be horrible about it but tell him you’re curious to who he’s texting, it’s not a big thing and you’ll probably find it’s nothing. If you’re feeling insecure, just say it aloud without anger – it takes a lot of vulnerability which is hard, but the rewards you’ll find are worth it for putting your heart out there. Good luck!
I thinks that you could really benefit from some therapy. It would help you work through your anxieties and fear of being cheated on, help you move forward from your past relationships and learn the signs of a healthy relationship. Good luck
Desperation won’t lead to happiness, it will lead to misery. Maybe you should seek therapy, LW, because you have serious self esteem issues.
So I was dating my now husband 3 years ago “officially” for 2 months and 2 weeks (unofficially for 3 months 2 weeks) when Thanksgiving came and we celebrated it at my family’s house. It was his first time meeting my family and it was Thankgiving!
He spent most of the time on his cell phone playing a cell phone game. I was so freaking mad. I was like “who is this guy? He is so rude, playing a cell phone game.”
So on our way back to my house I told him “you know I think it was really rude of you to play a cell phone game during Thanksgiving while my family is trying to get to know you. You could have put it down for a little bit. I’m not happy about this and why were you playing that game and not participating?” And he was all like “I have ADHD and I need to do something with my hands and mind and a lot of Thanksgiving was talking and I had nothing else to do. I’m sorry” He apologized over and over and he toned down the cell phone games in future holidays but that was one of our big hurdles to get over. He still plays with his phone all the time. But just something you got to accept. I noticed he can play Candy Crush and watch TV at the same time and not miss anything on the TV. So he is engaged with everything at the same time. It’s pretty cool. I love him, though it is kind of annoying sometimes.
I think the LW needs some single time to recover from her past relationship(s). Maybe a therapist for her trust issues? She’s spending more time worrying about whether she’s going to get hurt instead of whether he’s even right for her long term!
I also second Wendy’s thing about the phone. Someone who is constantly on their phone when they’re with me is a total deal-breaker.
I spent my 20s trying not to be “that girl”. And you know what I became in my quest to be the cool, laid-back girlfriend? A doormat. And one that guys eventually lost interest in because I was too easy-going and malleable. Change plans last minute to hang out with guy friends? I’d say – no worries, have fun! Blow off a family event that I asked him to attend? Oh, it’s ok honey, I don’t mind. Sound familiar? I finally realized no one wants a woman who can’t stand up for herself or verbalize her needs. TELL him how you feel. Don’t be scared of getting abandoned – what is more likely to happen is that you will gain confidence and that naturally leads to becoming more appealing to others. And What Wendy Said, seriously.
I’m surprised no one has touched on “how much of this is about you worrying about him ‘leaving’ due to his chronic, incurable, eventually fatal, condition?” I’m not saying it IS. But… I dunno. Seems most people with CF die rather young. I know I’m going to get every tomato in the world thrown at me for this, but after going through a ton of hurt in my life already I just wouldn’t be up for that. I don’t get the point of getting all invested in someone you know isn’t going to have much time with you. FTR after losing my mom, my former MIL who I adored with all my heart, and a horrid falling out with my adopted mom, I’m kind of this way with my MIL now. She’s miffed we aren’t super close and I’m like “meh I think we can be just friends”. Sorry I can’t go through that again. One person can only take so much.
So, just for perspective, I was pretty anxious about my current relationship at about the 2-3 month mark? I was starting to feel Serious Feelings, he was laid off, it was kind of a stressful time and I just plain worry a lot. And then… it passed. We continued to get to know each other, and get comfortable in the routine of being in a relationship, and I don’t really worry anymore. I say that to say – sometimes worriers worry for the sake of worrying. Even if it’s right, sometimes you’re going to worry anyway (this has been a theme through my entire life).
LW, I think two things will help you:
1. Spend some time reflecting and remembering that you cannot control the future, and therefore shouldn’t try to deal with it before it gets here. He is giving you no indication now that he is cheating, right? Well, then don’t drive yourself nuts with the “what-ifs.” Just say, “Who ya talking to?” next time he’s texting someone, and ask him to set aside time for dinner with no phones every once in a while (I do this with my boyfriend because we are both glued to our tech 24/7).
2. Get some space! Take a weekend trip. Go visit some friends. Heck, just take a day and do something you enjoy that he doesn’t necessarily care for. You’re probably at the point in your relationship where you want to spend every spare second with your boyfriend, but it will be good for you to do your own thing every once in awhile. Remember to put some of your energy into your friendships and family relationships.
Good luck, LW.
I agree with Wendy with everything she said. But, I also wonder if your anxiety and craziness has something to do with his cystic fibrosis. My fiancé has a rare genetic disorder that is very scary and disabling at times. I remember when we first started dating, our relationship was more serious from the start, and it drove me crazy with anxiety. While I didn’t have anxiety about who he was texting, I wondered where he was and if he was okay a ton in those first few months, before I really understood his disorder and what to be afraid of, and what not to be afraid of. For a variety of reasons, it was important to decide early on whether or not this was someone I could potentially stick with for life, and that I wasn’t fooling myself in how much of a third wheel his disorder can be. I got anxiety about him having a shorter lifespan, and that’s also something very true with cystic fibrosis. So when I started really feeling something for my fiancé, I went crazy and we had to really discuss and communicate my fears. It can be really, really difficult to be with someone who has so many medical issues, and so I do wonder if your insecurities and anxieties are popping up now because of that. That’s what it seems like to me.