“I’m Jealous of My Sister’s Pregnancy”
In that time, three of my closest friends got pregnant within 1-2 months of trying. One of the friends is actually my sister and she just found out two weeks ago. She and I are very close, live on the SAME BLOCK, are close in age, and have weekly dinners together. Our husbands are also close.
Two weeks ago, I found out that my latest fertility treatment failed. It was a big blow. The same day, my sister (whose monthly cycle was perfectly lined up with mine!) told me that she had taken some tests and they were all negative. She then said that she had decided that she didn’t really feel ready anyway and was going to take a few months off from trying. I felt relieved because I knew that it would be painful to watch her get pregnant while we continued to struggle. The next day she called and said she had an error pregnancy test. She sent me a photo and, duh, it was positive. She didn’t even know how to read them…
Since then, I am just overcome with anger, jealousy, and sadness. We shared everything before this happened and now I can’t even think about her pregnancy without breaking down into tears. It’s a selfish, petty emotion, but I truly don’t know how to get past it. I cry all the time. I don’t sleep well. Everything seems bleak and hopeless. I think I’m clinically depressed and I plan to go back to the therapist that helped me with last year’s miscarriage.
My sister knows about the long struggle we’ve had and I know that she’s being careful not to say anything about her pregnancy for fear of upsetting me. I feel like it’s my job to let her know it’s OK to talk about it, but I can’t. I really want to pretend it’s not happening.
How do I help myself move forward, accept my sister’s good news, and be a part of this huge event in her life? Do I need to box up these feelings or is it possible to work through them (right now it doesn’t feel possible)?
P.S. Please, whatever you say, don’t tell me to “just relax and it will happen.” Studies have shown that stress does not affect the ability to conceive. For most people, having unprotected sex is all it takes, but for those with problems, fertility treatments require constant attention and involvement. — Not Exactly Happy for My Sister
First of all, I’m so sorry for your fertility struggle. As for your sister, I’m sure she feels awkward and guilty about how easily she became pregnant knowing how much you’ve struggled. It’s understandable that you feel angry and jealous and sad. And you probably feel guilty for feeling those things when what you’d really love is to share in your sister’s excitement and help temper some of her fears. It’s OK that you can’t do that right now. I’m sure she understands. But she IS your sister and this IS a pretty big moment in her life. You need to address it; you need to say SOMETHING, even if what you say is: “In my heart, I’m so happy and excited for you, but I’m going to need a little time to process the sadness I have for myself before I can share in your good news. I wish I could tell you exactly how long I need, but I don’t know. And I wish I could be exactly what you need and deserve right now as a sister and a friend, but I can’t. And I’m sorry for that, and I hope you understand.”
I think giving yourself permission to sort of grieve, and acknowledging to your sister that you need some time, will relieve you from the pressure you feel right now to “perform” excitement and happiness. But unless you get pregnant soon, your sister’s pregnancy is going to sting. And I’m not sure there is a way to move past that. Going back to therapy will help you deal with these feelings of resentment and jealousy. I think travel could help if you’re able to find some time to get away. Do you have a pet? Have you considered getting one? I have several friends who have struggled with miscarriage and fertility issues report that getting pets was a wonderful way to help re-focus some of their energy and bring joy into their homes.
As your sister’s pregnancy progresses, be honest about your feelings and about your limitations. If, for example, you don’t have it in you to throw her a baby shower, don’t offer to do it. If you can’t stomach helping her get the nursery ready, don’t try. Find things you CAN do to stay connected to your sister that don’t sting too much or don’t remind you of what you don’t have. Your sister is still your sister. She’s still going to enjoy much of the same things she’s always enjoyed with you. So go to movies together and have your weekly dinners and maintain normalcy as much as you can so that she knows that, even if you can’t “be there” for her in the way you’d both like, you’re still there. You still love her and you still want to share in her life. There just might be parts of it right now, at this moment, that are a little too painful for you to be too involved in. If she’s the loving sister she sounds like she is, she’ll understand.
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Jess, it sounds like you and your sister are pretty close, and it sounds like she’s a good person. So maybe you two should just sit down and have a heart to heart. Let her know how much you are grieving. Let her know how sorry you are that you can’t be there for in the way you wish you could be. I would imagine she would react with empathy and caring. If you just get this all out in the open and off your chest, and she reassures you, I think you will feel a little better.
You are sad you haven’t been able to have a baby of your own. And then on top of it you feel like you’re letting your sister down, which probably makes you feel like a bit of a failure. If your sister was able to say, “It’s okay, I understand. We’ll get through this.” Wouldn’t that be a load off?
I’m really sorry, Jess. I hope you are better soon. I hope you’ll get good news soon … One piece of good news you have now is that YOU’RE GOING TO BE AN AUNTIE! One of the best things I’ve ever experienced. I also think a trip and a pet could do good. We all love you and are rooting for you!
This is your sister. And she’s pregnant and going through a huge life change. I can’t even pretend to know what you’re going through, LW, but please try to reach out to her in some capacity. I know your life sucks right now and it’s hard, but I suspect you’ll regret it if you don’t.
Also, good luck. I really do hope everything works out for you! Fingers crossed we get a “I’m Pregnant” update.
LW – I am sorry to hear about your struggles. It is natural that you have feelings of resentment and jealous towards your sister, but you will have to work to overcome them. Try to see this baby not as something that you are lacking but rather as a form of practice. You will be able to experience all the things your sister goes through and be better prepared for when you start your family. Best of luck!
On a personal note I would love some input regarding infertility. I have never attempted to get pregnant but have been told by my OB/GYN that it takes an average of 18 months for a woman to get pregnant if she is coming off hormonal BC. Is it normal to seek out a fertility specialist only 8 months after trying (I guess if that LW was older or there was a history of fertility issues in the family it would make sense). Also, I know a number of women that have miscarried and they were all told to wait a six months to a year before trying to get pregnant – is that no longer true?
Fertility is weird and so unique to the individual. I’ve had friends go off birth control and get pregnant 2 weeks later and others who do take months or years. I had a friend who recently miscarried and she was told by her doctor to start trying right away. So, it might also vary doctor to doctor as to what you are told?
LW, I’m so sorry that you and your husband are struggling with infertility. Just know that you are not alone in this struggle. There are many online communities dedicated to trying to conceive/infertility that may be helpful to you. Your feelings about your sister’s pregnancy are normal. I think that anyone in your situation would feel as you do; it’s only been 2 weeks after all. Going to a therapist to help process your emotions when you are ready is a wonderful idea. Best of luck to you and your husband.
Great advice, Wendy. And Wendy is right, we’re all rooting for you and we have been for a long time! (not just with babies but with your beautiful marriage). I think a pet is a wonderful idea for re-focusing love, energy, and happiness. Get a cat if you’re not allergic cause they allow for more life-flexability than a dog.
This was the story for my sister (except with her sister-in-law) who was the same age and had a whoopsie after about 3 years of my sister trying and undergoing fertility treatments (both of them under 30). It really sucked a lot for her, but she threw herself into work, really re-established and created a stronger bond with her husband (struggles with infertility can take a huge toll on marriage). It was hard for her with her sister-in-law, but I think once the baby came it was a little easier (they were also across the country, so it wasn’t really in her realm of reality non-stop). Anyways she eventually got pregnant with twins, so there is a happy ending but I definitely feel for you and I know I will have a similar struggle conceiving and can only imagine what you are going through. Everyone has great advice, including Wendy but just know you aren’t alone. I love some of the ideas about making a list of things to do–one thing my sister realized in the months preceding the babies birth is that they would really not have time for anything for awhile. I think she regretted a lot of the wallowing she did while trying to get pregnant (I know that it was merited but for awhile she let her depression and sadness take over her life) and wished she had invested more into having fun and enjoying the time before the babies would come. She was just so focused on getting pregnant it became the ONLY thing in her life and she sort of lost sight of the fact she was still a person apart from that struggle and had the capacity to enjoy other things.
Perfect advice, Wendy!
I think being honest with your sister and telling her where you’re at is a good idea. She loves you and she probably feels a little guilty herself! It’s okay to be sad and you have to just go through that, however you can. Let your sister be there for you too — I’m sure she wants to. I’ve gone through a lot of the same feelings and now I’m an aunt and it’s pretty great too.
Take care of yourself! Xo
in addition to the pet suggestion (which im actually surprised is “ok” to say to someone struggling with this….?) what about just volunteering at a shelter? i do, and it gives me so much joy, and i didnt even “need” the joy in my life… little things, like when the cats come in so frightened, and you slowly earn their trust, and they eventually will sit on your lap… its awesome. it feels awesome.
I think to me it’s all in how it’s presented. If you say get a dog or cat it’s basically the same thing! It’s probably not going to go over as well as saying it the way that Wendy did….
So sorry that you’re going through this! I think that sometimes feeling guilty about having feelings can make the feelings worse. Like when I’m upset about something and I feel like I shouldn’t be, the whole guilt part gives my subconscious one more thing to feel bad about — like I start feeling sorry for myself that I have to feel guilty too. I’m not sure if that’s something that you feel also, but try to remind yourself that plenty of women go through the exact same feelings when someone else gets pregnant and that it’s not an awful thing that you’re upset or angry. I mean, people get twice as angry when someone cuts them off on the highway, so being upset that other people are easily getting something that you have been trying so hard for is not bad or abnormal. Let the feelings come, acknowledge them, and then also acknowledge the good feelings you feel for your sister also.
I’m sorry if I skimmed through this and missed someone else making this point, but it might also help to find the silver lining in how wonderful it is to have such a supportive family (or at least your sister.) I mean, I try to be very conscious of people’s feelings, but if my wife and I were having a child I’d probably want to shout it from the rooftops and think about it non-stop. And your sister is trying SO hard to shield you from that aspect of that because she knows you’re in pain and she wants to support you. And while you would hope that any sister would do that, I think most people couldn’t.
Also, I’m not going to tell you to “just relax,” but I am going to tell you what has gotten me through a lot of rough times: assuming you believe in some god-like presence, he or she does everything for a reason, even if we can’t see it yet. So as tough as it is, have faith that years down the road when you’re watching your child play on the playground you will remember the trials and tribulations that you’re facing now and you’ll somehow understand the meaning of all this in hindsight. And you’ll be a better person because of it, because whereas many people take childbirth as a chore or an inconvenience you’ll recognize it for the blessing it is, you know?
There’s nothing that I can add except that we are rooting for you here and that I believe that your feelings are normal.
There was a different topic going around about why we all want attention when we get engaged or pregnant etc., and someone mentioned that we are all inherently selfish. I think it’s important to try and put these natural feelings aside and be there for your sister 🙂
Good luck and internet hugs