“I’m Overwhelmed With Caring for My Aging Parents”
As the youngest person in my family (I’m in my late thirties) with the most career flexibility, it makes sense that I’ve taken on most of the care-giving responsibilities (I have an older brother who lives four hours away from our folks). In addition to physical care-giving, I also run the finances for my parents’ businesses and additionally manage seven income streams (all freelance and unstable), and there’s obvious pressure there as well. I spend a lot of time on the phone fighting the health care system, banks, etc.
While I don’t feel particularly put out with helping – it is what it is, and it’s my nature to do all I can to help – I am feeling overwhelmed and it’s affecting my relationships with people and ability to make and keep friends. Not only am I often unavailable to make plans – I’m sometimes gone for weeks at a time as I live in a different state than my parents – I’m also angry at the drop of a hat. I don’t love this short-tempered version of myself. I’ve tried to see if there’s a way to communicate to others that I’m grieving and to tread lightly, but other than saying that, there’s not much else I know to do. (I read people wear black bracelets sometimes?) .
My husband (who is truly my rock) is 15 years older than I am, and we got married just under a year ago, after being together for nine years. We also bought our first home three years ago. So there are many life changes. We have no children, if that’s relevant.
Logically, I know these things come in waves, but emotionally I feel so overwhelmed that everyone I love seems to be suffering. I’m not sure what I’m asking, if I’m being honest. I guess I’m more hoping that someone from outside of my world might give me perspective on this phase of my life. I applied for grief counseling and was denied through my insurance. — Grieving and Overwhelmed
There are a lot of details in your letter that leave me with more questions than answers and I thought about asking you about each point before giving you advice, but I changed my mind. Ultimately, the details don’t matter. It’s the theme of your letter I want to speak to and advise on rather than the details of your specific situation. I recognize two questions in your letter, and the are two questions I get a lot: whether you can have permission, and whether this is all there is.
First of all, yes, you absolutely have permission. For whatever it’s worth, you have my permission to: break down; say no; lose hope; step away; prioritize your own needs; SAY NO; delegate tasks; ask your brother for help; ask your husband for help; if it’s affordable and accessible, go to therapy even if insurance won’t cover it; SAY NO. For whatever it’s worth, you have my permission to set some boundaries. In fact, my professional advice to you is to set boundaries.
You have to start saying ‘no’ to some of the things you’ve been saying ‘yes’ to because ‘yes to everything’ isn’t sustainable for anyone. I know how hard it is to say ‘no’ if you are someone whose value and self-identity is determined almost exclusively by the service you provide others, but I promise that your authentic self has value far beyond the person who simply lives to support others. Your authentic self is worth celebrating and she is as deserving – more deserving – of your time and attention than anyone on your ‘worry list.’
I understand the worry though. Watching people age and die is more than just what you’re calling “grief.” It’s revelatory. It can awaken in us a sudden understanding of not just our own mortality but the mortality of everyone we’ve ever loved or will love and also the suffering we endure on our way to the end. It’s heavy and it’s a lot. But, no, this is not all there is. This is some of what there is.
Your job is to find the moments that exist simply to be enjoyed. I promise they’re there – the first firefly sighting at dusk on a summer’s evening or catching the subway just as it’s about to pull away or eating the perfect meal with someone you love. The pleasures are small but when we stack them on each other, we can build a life with them, or at least a smoother path around the challenges.
There are always going to be challenges – that’s just a fact of life. There will always be grief and reasons to worry, and you could get buried under the heaviness of it all if you let yourself, so don’t. Say ‘no’ more and delegate some of the tasks you’ve taken on to other people – maybe people you help your father hire if he has the means to pay for help. (Definitely ask your brother to help out more – if you live in a different state than your parents, then his 4-hour distance from them can’t be much more than yours). Fill the space and time this creates for you doing things you enjoy with people you want to be around. This is sustenance, this is nourishment – this is absolutely necessary.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
