“I’m Too Broke To Attend My Friend’s Wedding”
If I do manage to get the job I want before then, travel becomes an issue — her’s is a destination wedding with the ceremony on a Sunday night, and I would be pushed to catch a flight back home to get to work on Monday morning. Since her wedding is coming up at in about four months months, I know I need to tell her now if I’m not going to make it, but I’m afraid of letting her down. How do I tell her I can’t be in or even at her wedding without damaging our friendship? — Too Broke for a Wedding
You need to be honest with her and share everything you just shared with me nd let her know you’re sad to miss her wedding, but you just don’t think you can commit right now. Any friend who makes you feel guilty or any friendship that is damaged because you quite literally cannot afford to be in/ attend her destination wedding is not a friend or a friendship that was truly genuine anyway. A good friend can be disappointed *and* understand your financial limitations and be grateful that you share in her good news even if you can’t be with her to celebrate in person.
If you can afford to, I’d send a gift and a thoughtful card, and be proactive in asking to see photos of the wedding afterward. If you live in the same city, or close enough to visit relatively cheaply, it would be a nice gesture to cook dinner for her or do something else to celebrate this milestone and show her you care. And if one of the jobs you’re hoping for comes through, and you suddenly find yourself with enough money to attend a destination wedding, ask your friend if it is too late to squeeze you in as a guest.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.
LW#2: I once dated a guy who was dead set on us getting married soon. I also dated another guy who was pretty much exactly what you described, and had a problem with any second of the day that wasn’t spent with him. They obviously didn’t work out separately, and, holy shit, it would be a nightmare if the two of them combined forces to fit the description of your current boyfriend.
RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!
I would like to expand on what Anita is telling you
RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!
as fast as your legs will carry you!
@AnitaBath and callmehobo – you guys cracked me up!
And seriously, they make a legitimate point. I can understand when a partner is disappointed that you might want some time to yourself – they interpret it as you wanting “time away from THEM” which isn’t necessarily true…everyone just needs some me-time once in a while! But your boyfriend seems to have stepped over the line of “disappointed to not be spending as much time with you as he’d like” to “wanting to spend every waking second with you or ELSE.” The fact that he actively tells you he doesn’t like you spending time away from him is, like Wendy said, a very troublesome red flag. I would absolutely take Wendy’s advice and tell him that he has no right to be making these demands of you, nor does he have any right to be upset over you spending a night alone. If he doesn’t get the picture, and fast, I would definitely MOA. As a side note, I’m also worried that given his controlling nature (at least from what we can tell in your letter), you might have a difficult time cutting ties with him if you do choose to MOA…in any case, stand your ground girl!
lw, like wendy said, just be up front and honest with your friend. if she’s having a destination wedding i’m sure she’s already thought about the fact that some friends and family simply won’t be able to make it. offer to have them over for dinner to celebrate when they get back. and good luck on the job search, searching for jobs sucks big time right now!
LW, I’ve done both options you have. Last year, I flew cross country to be in the bridal party for a friend from high school. I spent around $1400 in total on airfare, lodging, dress, food, car rental… and it was money that, as a recent grad myself, I didn’t have! flash forward to this year and I got an invitation to a destination wedding like yourself for one of my best friends. I just told him the truth, there was no way I could afford it and he took it really well. He knew having a destination wedding, with so many of us without well paying jobs (if we have jobs at all), he sort of knew that most people wouldn’t be able to. Just be honest, and maybe send a little gift or card in the mail when the date nears.
LW1, Once you explain your finncial situation to your friend, you may be pleasantly surprised to find she offers to pick up most if not all of the tab. I had a destination wedding during a period where several of my close friends were struggling financially, and I ended up renting a house for them to crash in and using airmiles to fly them there and back.
I’m in a similar situation now. One of my best friends asked me to be the maid of honor in her wedding next year, and I accepted. At that time she was planning on a wedding in May on the beach in FL. Now she has changed her plans to a 4 day cruise in March, when I typically go skiing every year with my family(and which I told her when she first started planning). I told her I loved her and wanted to work it out (besides having NO desire to go on a cruise), but the change in time and added expense of a cruise might be too much for me. She is disappointed, but she and her fiancee both understood that a destination wedding (including a cruise no less) would mean a lot of her friends and family couldn’t make it. She offered to chip in $150 to help with my expenses. Clearly that’s not going to cover even a significant portion of it, but it was a thoughtful gesture nonetheless and one I appreciate greatly. You may find your friend offers the same if she discovers you are willing but not financially able. It’s possible she has enough in her wedding budget to cover your expenses, but regardless you need to be upfront and honest with her about it and don’t delay having that conversation. As close friends, you owe her honesty and the sooner the better.