“My Boyfriend Never Makes Time to See Me”
We are both single parents. Carl has shared custody — every other day and weekend — while the father of my two kids is non-existent. Carl has a ranch three hours away that needs to be tended to every weekend, so he only wants to spend time with me when I can get a babysitter for the entire weekend and go with him, which is very hard to do without family nearby. Carl has two jobs and averages 60 hours of work between them. I also work full-time, and I manage all the kids’ activities, further limiting our time together.
We text everyday, all day, and talk on the phone at least once a day. We live twenty minutes apart and sometimes get the kids together, and we sometimes get a weekend together, just us two. I feel he is the love of my life and my best friend, and I know the feeling is mutual. But…I want to see and be with him more. In the past two years, we’ve probably only seen each other 12 times. We have discussed this several times, but we have no solutions. He feels spread thin and says he is doing the best he can, as am I. When we do see each other, it’s because I make it happen. He doesn’t want to live together until my kids are grown-ups, his words. And while I don’t necessarily disagree, I can’t help but feel that I’m the only one who wants to spend more time together. There’s always some excuse or reason why he can’t spend time with me, and I’m scared there always will be an excuse. I don’t know what to do, or if I’m just “wasting” my time on a future that will never be there. — Needing More Time Together
If you’ve been together five years, have zero plans for the future (and maybe living together one day when your kids are grown-ups is such a vague, far-off idea that it hardly counts as a plan), and see each other an average once every two months and only when YOU make it happen, it’s safe to say that Carl isn’t really interested in the kind of relationship with you that you seem to desire. He probably really enjoys having someone to text and chat with during the day, but that’s it. He can take or leave all the rest of it. Actually, it sounds like he can pretty much leave the rest of it.
Maybe you are too close to the situation that you can’t see it for what it is, so I’ll spell it out: Carl has ZERO interest in your children. Like, none. He’s not inviting them to his ranch, he only wants to spend time with you when they aren’t around, and despite having his own kids and only living twenty minutes from you, it sounds like he hardly ever cares to get your families together, which would be a convenient way for you two to actually spend some time together. You know what else would be a great way for you to spend time together? Each of you getting a babysitter and… going on a date. Is he not willing to do this? Well, then maybe your children aren’t the only people he’s not terribly interested in. Maybe he’s just not very interested in you either. If he were, he’d see you more than once every two months, period. There really isn’t an excuse to justify TWO YEARS of seeing you as minimally as he does. The truth is, it’s not a priority for him because you aren’t a priority for him. You are so much lower on his priority list than his ranch, which he makes time for all weekend, every weekend.
So, in answer to your question: Yes, you’re wasting your time. But more than that, you’re wasting your energy. There’s no future here. There’s no present either. This is just a texting friendship. If you want more than that — and why wouldn’t you?! — move on already.
***************
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
Wow. What Wendy says is true, this guy seems incredibly uninterested in your children in particular (which would be a no-go for me) but also in you. When I read that you have to get a babysitter to go spend an entire weekend with this dude I was like Why, a ranch is a perfect place for children! That’s a huge red flag to me and that alone says so much, in my opinion. Then you move on to saying you only live 20 MINUTES from each other? Are you sure he isn’t seeing someone else?
Here’s a “trick” I’ve used with guys who want to spend so much time texting and nothing else: just be unavailable for all that texting! Surely – SURELY – you have other things you can do besides sitting around texting some dude. Make no mistake, just because someone is texting you doesn’t mean they’re into you in the least. It means they’re bored and sitting around with nothing to do so they want to waste your time. I think you should move on as well, or at least not be exclusive and start seeing other people.
Reread – but LW makes me crazy. This guy is 15 years older than you??? He should be working even harder, aka making you a priority. My husband is 18 years older than me, we’ve been together for 20 years. There’s no reason to date a man that much older unless he’s treating you EXTRA right, you can get a young hottie if you’re just going to be having occasional sex with a bunch of texting!
Also, when you say you text all day every day, do you know why? Control – he knows where you are, that he’s on your mind, that you’re pining for him and giving him all your time and mental space. You need to move on, woman. Its been 5 years so you were in your 20’s when he started grooming you for this BS. Which he probably did because you were (presumably) a single mom with 2 young children, also know as “not going anywhere”. Move on, its urgent.
LW, I agree with @Buttery – this dude is 15 years older than you are and stringing you along like a sexting buddy/FWB when it’s convenient. He also wants nothing at all to do with your kids after 5(!) years, which means he doesn’t really see a future.
You’re 32. If all you really want is a sexting buddy/FWB, you can find someone much younger with no kids who would be happy to do that. And you’d probably see him more than 12 times in 2 years, damn. When I was on Tinder a couple years ago in my early 30s, I was aghast at these mid-40s men with kids who just wanted something super casual. Like no thanks, bro, I can get 25-30 year olds for that who would have way more time and availability than you do.
LW- the “love of your life” doesn’t WANT to spend any more time with you. Your letter makes me feel bad for you. Not bad that he doesn’t want to see you, bad that after five years you still stick around and believe he is the love of your life. Yes, I can tell that this is a waste of your time. Try an experiment, do not try to make any plans with him and see what happens. My guess- absolutely nothing.
LW- Your relationship is pretty much virtual, which can feel seriously intimate but literally means nothing. Hes not going to budge b/c hes getting what he wants, occasional sex and no bother. I’d stop texting and stop planning visits and likely it will solve itself. Once you get his attention (if you get it) you can explain to him the changes that need to happen. Honestly, the sad thing is that anyone can convince themselves that someone is the “love of their life”. But has he _shown you that_? I would say no…
LW: MOA, there’s no future for you in this relationship. He wants a texting buddy (not even a sexting buddy, just texting) and you want something more. On the one hand, far too often single parents basically introduce new partners to their kids before they’re even dating exclusively, but this is going too far in the other direction. He’s not interested in knowing your kids and he’s not particularly interested in you, either. Read the writing on the wall and dump him. You’re not getting any of the benefits of a relationship, so why should you put up with the annoyances? You deserve a lot better.
Please google ‘emotionally unavailable’ men. I dated a guy like this for 6 months.
Me: to therapist – how can I change this?
Therapist: move on. Do you want to be here two? Five years from now?
When men think something is a priority, they make time and effort for it. Carl drives 3 hours to go work on his ranch *every single weekend* because he WANTS TO.
You simply aren’t a priority to Carl.
Do you really want to waste five (ten, twenty) more years being with a man who doesn’t like you enough to make you a priority?
MOA
No one wants to have regrets about the decision they make as to whether they should stay or leave a relationship. And, in my opinion, regret comes from one of two places. Either by leaving too soon without fully trying or by staying for too long hoping that the person you are with will become the person you want them to be. After five years I think it is clear that they have shown you that they are not the person you want them to be and have shown no evidence that they have even tried based on your letter. Not to mention the potential uneven power dynamic of a 27 yo dating a 42 yo that I won’t even get into now (I was married to someone 13 years older than me for 17 years, so my judgement may be skewed because I have lived it. Although I know it can work out for some people.). I agree with Wendy, it is time to MOA.
LW, he is not “the love of your life” he’s the love of 12 encounters. 12. Let that sink in. That’s not even a month of time spent together. People can mask themselves when they text. It’s easier to lie while texting because you can’t read tone and the reader will read the tone they expect/want to read. Wake up and smell the bitter truth: he’s not interested in a relationship with you. If he were you’d have spent a lot more time together.