“Is He Lying About Cheating on Me?
I became suspicious when, also about a year into our relationship, he acted very strange after a particularly long trip. He said that he was grumpy and shutting me out because he’d just spent weeks camping and constantly surrounded by people and needed some time to himself, which I accepted at the time but have since come to view suspiciously. At any rate, the basic gist is that I had a bad feeling about this woman.
In the past year or two our relationship has become stronger and more committed, he’s begun treating me better than I’ve ever been treated, and we’ve been getting along famously, so I stopped thinking about it so much. But this weekend, I was using his iPad while he was in the bathroom, and a message from this girl popped up. It reminded me of all those suspicions and I scratched the itch to snoop for the first time in my life, reasoning that the conversation was already open and I was just scrolling.
Because they have apparently not been talking much, it took me only seconds to see the very long message from her explaining that she had begun dating a close mutual friend of theirs and wanted to let him know so that their “three musketeers” friendship could remain stable. That part makes sense. However, she then mentions that the situation is additionally complicated by “a few romantic encounters” between herself and my boyfriend, and that he means so much to her and she doesn’t want to ruin their friendship.
When my boyfriend came back from the bathroom, I told him his friend had messaged him and that I’d accidentally seen some messages, and his face fell. My boyfriend says that she merely misconstrued one-on-one dinners as romantic encounters. I’m not sure if I believe him. I should mention that I do have some anxiety issues, so sometimes worry excessively. I don’t know what to do. Her excessive Facebook posting on his wall does seem to gel with the possibility that she would accidentally assume they were on a date, but I feel like he’s asking a lot of me to believe that the phrase “romantic encounters” means something innocent.
The worst of this is that I guess that if he had cheated on me, it would have been in that less committed part of our relationship, not recently. I don’t fear that he would cheat on me today, yet for some reason it still kills me to not know whether it happened. I want to believe him. I know he loves me and we truly have been through a lot together (his cancer, my accidental pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage), and I don’t want to break up with him. However, I don’t know how to believe him on this issue. I fear it will eat at our relationship. How can I trust him again? Should I trust him again? — iPad Snooper
What’s bothering you the most here, I suspect, is not the idea of your boyfriend “cheating” on you during the less committed part of your relationship — and I use quotation marks here because if you weren’t truly committed, then is it really “cheating”? — but that your boyfriend isn’t being clear with you about the nature of his friendship with this woman and, most importantly, isn’t being clear with her about the nature of your relationship. You want to feel so important to your boyfriend that all the other important players in his life not only respect your relationship, but understand its significance. But if this woman, someone who litters his Facebook page with flirty messages, didn’t even know you existed until a year into your relationship and, even now, feels the need to warn your boyfriend that she’s dating a mutual friend and basically doesn’t want things to be “weird” among the three of them, I can appreciate why you’re feeling insecure.
But from where I sit, comfortably on the outside, this friendship your boyfriend has with this other woman doesn’t sound very important. A few public posts on Facebook doesn’t mean much. And if their text conversation you read on the iPad had lapsed for a while, it doesn’t sound like they’re in close contact. If you don’t have any concern that your boyfriend would cheat on you now and you don’t have any reason not to trust him, I’d let this drop.
Yes, your boyfriend may not be telling the entire truth about the nature of his friendship with this woman over the course of the multiple years they’ve known each other, most likely because it doesn’t have much bearing on anything today, and, if he was intimate with her at some point after you two started dating, however non-committal you may have been, he likely doesn’t want to unnecessarily hurt you or plant any seed of doubt or worry for you. And if you did find out that “romantic encounters” does, in fact, mean more than a misconstrued dinner or two, what good will that do you? Is that going to make you feel better or worse about anything? Probably worse. So, what’s the point?
Forget about the past, and look ahead. Your boyfriend can’t change any of his past behavior. He can’t un-do anything that might have been done any more than he can go back in time and make clear to his friend whatever intentions he may or may not have had when going out to dinner with her. What he can do is clarify relationships going forward. So tell him what you need from him to feel secure about your relationship and to let go of anxiety you have about his friendship with this other woman. Would you feel better if you had a chance to meet her some time? Do you want him to be more transparent online about your relationship so no one doubts your commitment? Do you want him to tell you more about her and what their time together on the road entails? Communicate your needs and if they aren’t met, then you can worry. But worrying about something that may or may not have happened years ago, before you were even committed to your boyfriend, is a waste of energy.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.
My problem in the LW’s situation (this was also in the forum this weekend with more detail) is that I wouldn’t want my SO to continue contact/friendship with the person he had cheated on me with. I just don’t think I would ever be able to “get over” the cheating if the person maintained a presence in our life. But, as the LW explained in the forum, there isn’t any likelihood of the boyfriend cutting contact with this girl due to professional commitments. I just find the whole thing to be very unfortunate, and I really feel for the LW.
In the course of three years, why haven’t you gone with him on some of these weekends or to some of these festivals? Even if he’s working, there would be plenty for you to do at a festival and I haven’t heard that the music industry is so uptight that a girlfriend coming along every now and then would be soooo unusual. It sounds like he has another life that you are not invited into, when you easily could be, and that’s what I find questionable.
i just disagree with the whole “its in the past, forget about it, do you actually want to know something that will cause you sorrow” attitude. not that i think its wrong, but i could *never* operate that way, especially in this situation. you cant just un-see those facebook messages. you know that something went on, some type of “romantic encounters” (whatever that means…?). you cant just forget about that kind of stuff. i mean, i dont know exactly how to re-build the trust in this particular relationship… but i dont think this is something that can just be swept under a rug and forgotten.
random DW poll: would you rather just not know, be blissfully unaware, or would you like to know the truth, no matter how sad it would make you?
i would always want to know the truth.
I want to talk about the advice we would give if this boyfriend wrote in. “My girlfriend saw a message between a close female friend and myself on my ipad. She now has the impression that we might have been romantic during the early stages of our relationship. What should I do?”
Wouldn’t we encourage him to use discretion to avoid unnecessarily hurting her? I guess I don’t know what he could have done here to help her feel secure. Because the actual conversation with the girl wasn’t that damning, and the facebook posts seem to be one sided. So say they did do some romantic things while the LW and the boyfriend were just casually seeing each other. Say he did hook up with this girl for a while. And say it wasn’t cheating because they weren’t exclusive. Wouldn’t we all tell him to be vague and not hurt her feelings?
I guess I’m just wondering if this is one of those situations where honesty isn’t the best policy.
I loved Wendy’s advice. I think it’s really constructive – and the route to go to get you both were you want to go. I mean, you could fixate on what “romantic encounters” means and ask him if he kissed her and make him admit this or that, but where does that get you? I really so no win-win if you go that route. But by focusing on how you want to be treated, how you want him to acknowledge your relationship moving forward, etc. it will be very clear what you expect from him, and in way you are not ignoring the past, because you’ll simultaneously be discussing what was missing in the past. …. You just might never get to know if they kissed or not, or whatnot. … But, again, take everything I say with a grain of salt because I AM A RELATIONSHIP IDIOT FOR LIFE!
this explains it all: “the very long message from her explaining that she had begun dating a close mutual friend of theirs and wanted to let him know so that their “three musketeers” friendship could remain stable. That part makes sense. However, she then mentions that the situation is additionally complicated by “a few romantic encounters” between herself and my boyfriend, and that he means so much to her and she doesn’t want to ruin their friendship”…
based on this quote it is obvious that they have had a friends with benefits type relationship…there is no other reason why she would have any need to explain that she was beginning to see the other man…and no women know what “romantic encounters” are…your boyfriend has been cheating on you…now it is up to you to take this evidence and decide whether or not you want to continue to date someone who can lie to you
I agree that there’s something odd about the LW not accompanying her bf to the music festivals. Go already! See how he acts, hiw he introduces you to others, how he interacts with them… it will be very telling if his bandmates and friends say “how great to finally meet you” vs. Acting like you’re the flavor of the month. Also it’s critical to see how hr and this girl are together. It’ll be obvious whether their friendship is innocent or not.
I completely understand this LW. I suffer from Anxiety/Panic disorder & I am constantly fighting against my overdramatizied thought process. Any little thing gets turned into a wild race in my head. LW, I struggled for years with my now bf, trying to differntiate what is reality & what is my very vivid imagination.
I have come a long way, with the help of therapy & my own choices to make myself better. I can honestly say that your partner has to meet you half way. If you don’t have that, it’s a recipe for disaster. My bf doesn’t always understand my anxiety, but he always helps me out. If I have a thought about something, I ask him about it & he very willingly, explains things for me.
You have to be upfront with your boyfriend & tell him what things may cause anxiety & what you need from him to help you though. Of course, this isn’t license to go crazy on him whenever, you gotta work on yourself, which I think from your letter, you may already be doing.
It doesn’t seem like your bf is cheating on you. Wendy’s advice on putting in the past sounds about right. Just try your hardest to let it go & def. explain to your bf what you need from him. That will not only bring you closer together, but it will def. be an aide in you overcoming your anxiety!
This –> “So tell him what you need from him to feel secure about your relationship”.
Unless he tells you the truth and then works to make his life transparent and he supports you when you have doubts this won’t work. The way that the two of you handle this situation establishes how you solve serious problems and doubts in your relationship. If you let this slide and say it was two years ago so it doesn’t matter what he learns is that if he calls you crazy and the other woman crazy and pretends to forget and makes you feel guilty enough that you will let things slide. That will never work in the long term. I think it is time to tell him that this is it, he can sit down and confess all and be totally and brutally honest and then deal with the repercussions or the two of you are done because you can’t live your life this way.
I disagree, history tends to repeat itself. Not only that but if he did cheat would you really want to stay with someone who would treat you with such little respect?
The LW says she has anxiety issues, and in this situation she is trying very hard to be more objective and not let her anxiety get in the way of thinking clearly about this situation. I can relate to her dilemma because I have post-traumatic stress disorder, which can make me very anxious in certain situations such as church. I attributed the severe anxiety I felt attending church to my ptsd, but in reality I was being treated rudely and disrespected. Finally I decided to leave that church, and now my anxiety greatly diminished.
In the LW’s situation, I think her anxiety is justified and she is not over-reacting. Her boyfriend has been very evasive about his other life with the music group, and even if he is not “really” cheating he has lied to her. He also has another life that he is not willing to let her be a part of. She needs to have candid conversations with her boyfriend, and she cannot let him divert her by attributing her concerns to her anxiety issues. If he is willing to let her be a part of his music life and is more forthcoming, they may not need to MOA although I am skeptical since he seems to be a practiced liar. I know the LW loves him and treats her well, but she deserves to be with someone she can trust so that she can relax. Now she is very insecure because he is so evasive, and she has to resort to gathering clues from his Facebook page.
So you’re his GF and she’s supposedly his best friend, yet you’re “paranoid” and she’s “crazy and weird.” Mm hmm. He must love dramatic women!
Isn’t this always how it goes? Men get caught with their pants down and it’s 1) deflect 2) gaslight 3) lie. Sorry, LW. Whatever DID happen is probably not good, and this guy is probably not the guy you thought.
I am the LW.
I guess I wasn’t specific enough about what I meant by less committed.
We DID have a non-official dating sort of period during our relationship. This was not it. We had been exclusive for a year at the point of the incident (which he now admits to suddenly remembering, on the basis of memory problems that don’t seem to exist outside of this and similar situations).
‘more committed’ means committed to the point of living together in this case, whereas ‘less committed’ means exclusive but not yet combining lives.
Hello,
So where should I start?
I would say that the moment you start doubting about how much you trust your partner is the moment you should start thinking about taking a break in the relationship.
From what I’ve read, it’s pretty obvious that you two love each other but there are some issues going on in your relationship, right?
If I were in your place, I would talk to my partner about how I am feeling and try to find a solution because, even if it doesn’t seem like a huge problem to us, that could be solved by simply just ignoring it, you need to feel comfortable in a relationship and trust your partner.
Would meeting her make you feel better? Just talk it out but remember that you really shouldn’t control your partner’s friendships and checking his phone is a huge no-no.
At the end of the day, you have no other choice but to believe what he is saying or continue thinking he is lying, so choose what makes you feel the happiest.
I hope my advice was somewhat helpful and remember not to take decisions you might regret when you still have not thought about all the possibilities.
Africa.