“Is Our Friendship Salvageable?”
My college best friend (A.B.) and I had a thriving friendship for 15 years. Despite living in different cities post-graduation, we kept in regular touch and made new memories whenever the opportunity arose. He officiated my wedding and I was his shoulder to cry on through a string of crash-and-burn romances. Our friendship has been a bedrock of my adult life. Lately, however, we’ve drifted apart. It started a couple years ago when I made a flippant remark over text as he fell fast for another girl (now his wife). The comment was: “You and [new girlfriend] look very happy together (although I’ve seen this movie before)—long may it continue. Hope this comment is not taken as a dig, I mean it only as a well-meaning joke.”
This quip referred to three other recent flame-outs, including his previous relationship which imploded 10 days after she moved in with him. A.B. told me later that the comment made him feel like I was rooting against him. I apologized when I realized how the remark had landed and we agreed to move forward, but that hasn’t occurred and our friendship has since shifted.
We now speak infrequently, the friendship a shell of what it was. When I try to initiate conversation, he replies only piecemeal and weeks later; he seems uninterested. Granted, A.B. has a lot going on in his life—he is a university professor, is the founder of a 20-person company, and is a husband and soon-to-be-dad—but he had most of those things going on years ago when we were much closer. He makes time for those most important to him; I’m just no longer one of those people.
Another big flash point in our friendship occurred after A.B. got engaged and decided to get married two months later rather than the following summer. A.B. felt I was not congratulatory/excited enough; I was just caught off-guard because I wasn’t sure I would be able to attend on short notice. I actually wrote a letter explaining my behavior. I’m not sure how much detail you care to absorb about all this but attached is that letter. [I did take a look at the letter—it is nearly 900 words explaining the LW’s tempered enthusiasm around the wedding date, regret about the text remark that landed wrong, and hope that they can recapture the magic of their earlier friendship. —Wendy]
I did make it to the wedding, and it was fun. The bachelor party was the first night of the wedding weekend, which I went to. There were two speaking roles in the wedding and they went to his brother and another friend. I would’ve loved a heads-up from A.B. that I was not going to have a speaking role (keep in mind, he had officiated my wedding five years prior) but that’s neither here nor there.
Weeks before the wedding A.B. and I happened to coincide in a random city and we had a fun night out. In spite of this, the distance between us has increased. Having already discussed the state of affairs a couple times with A.B.—last time he said our friendship “was evolving and will continue to evolve,” which felt like a coded way of saying he was prioritizing other friendships—I don’t think there is much to be gained by restating my feelings. At the same time, I feel I’ve been unfairly demonized and I worry our friendship will soon be unsalvageable. Is there anything I can do? — Feeling Unfairly Demonized
You haven’t been demonized, you’ve been downgraded. There’s a difference, and none of what you’ve shared here suggests that A.B. thinks of you as a bad guy, let alone a demon. People change a lot in their 20s and 30s and it’s normal and natural for friendships to, yes, “evolve” and to shift. Sometimes that means they grow closer and sometimes that means they become more distant, and sometimes friendships shift between these dynamics multiple times through various lifestyle changes. That you are more distant now doesn’t mean you’ll be distant forever, and it doesn’t mean you’ve been demonized.
I do think the text you sent when A.B. told you about his new girlfriend/now-wife was snarky and ill-considered, but that’s not what changed your friendship. It’s never ever about just once text, I promise. There was some other change in the dynamic of your friendship that likely happened completely organically and wasn’t the result of a random mis-step. Time, distance, different lifestyles, and an imbalance in emotional needs and energy to meet them are a much bigger culprit in once-close friendships being downgraded. And none of these issues is insurmountable in the long run, in friendships that maintain some kind of tie over the course of many years.
That could be your case. You could continue to be in touch with A.B. a few times a year, see him when situations align or happen intentionally, and maybe in some number of years when either distance, lifestyles, or emotional needs and energy to meet them change, your friendship will be upgraded again. On the other hand, the opposite could happen and you could continue to drift out of each other’s lives. I think you need to be at peace with either scenario, hang back a bit, and let A.B. kind of steer the potential direction of your friendship evolution. You’ve made your feelings known, you’ve said your apologies, you’ve made your explanations. A.B. has heard your point of view and so there’s nothing really left for you to say or do.
You aren’t a demon—you simply aren’t a big priority in A.B.’s life right now. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t want you in his life at all and it doesn’t mean there isn’t potential to be close again one day. But if you are not ok with being on the periphery at the moment—with being downgraded—and the future of your friendship depends a lot on your being prioritized right now and always, then you should probably move on. A.B. has let it be known through his actions that there’s a place for you in his life; you don’t have to like that place, but it wouldn’t be appropriate to push for more. Accept it or move on.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
WWS, totally. I would add two things to think about. Sometimes friends get downgraded when they were witness to someone’s past struggles. Maybe AB is at a point in his life where he doesn’t want to be reminded of his past. You were a great friend to him but maybe he now associates you with his weaknesses. The text and hesitation about the wedding confirmed that for him. And perhaps there was also an unspoken power imbalance bc he was the struggler and you were the comforter. He might be finding that he has more equal footing with more recent friends. None of this is LW’s fault. He sounds like a good caring friend.
Which leads me to point two. It’s time for LW to find new friends. Its not easy to start fresh but its possible and worth the effort. Best of luck…
The man is married and has outgrown your friendship and/or his wife would like him to limit contact with you. Either way, time to move on.
I think the LW sounds whiney. Who needs a heads up that they will NOT be speaking at a wedding? Who writes a 900 page letter? These are signs you are overly emotional and high maintenance. I can see why the friend indicated the relationship is ‘evolving. AB is maturing while the other is not. He doesn’t have time to meet the vast emotional needs of the LW.
It was a 900-WORD letter. Imagine 900 pages!! hahaha
👍
I agree – and also that kind of neediness while being someone who needs to neg their friend about who they’re dating or “how they are” while also being like But I love you bro! No. Just no. I had to let a 30 year friendship go because of this exact crap.
WWS. Lifetime friendships ebb and flow. And, invariably, there will be missteps and hurt feelings. Usually, it’s not as intentional as it feels. Take a deep breath, and remember that. I’ve felt like LW in friendships before, and often they do come around.
My college BFF and I were inseparable during our university days. After college I moved away and we both got married and started families and we just didn’t have time for the kinds of regular contact we once had. We would see each other once a year when I visited my family back home, send Christmas cards and birthday gifts, but otherwise rarely talk. And this was without any snarky comments/hurt feelings. It was just life getting in the way. Now we are both empty nesters and more financially stable and we have spent more time together in the past 2 years than we did in the previous two decades.
Friendships ebb and flow in adulthood. You’ve apologized for your comment which is all you can do, but it may not even be the primary reason for the distance. Sometimes friendships just need to adjust, particularly when someone is building a family.