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“I’ve Fallen For My Married Coworker”

I am a lesbian and have fallen for a married coworker of mine. We’ve known each other for almost three years now and for the first two years I only saw her as a good friend and coworker. About a year ago, my feelings towards her started to change and I found myself becoming attracted to her on many levels. I dismissed my feelings as I knew she was married with kids. As time has gone on though, we have been talking daily and seeing each other on the weekends, and she has confided in me that she has feelings for me. We haven’t slept together, even though we both want to, as she says that will hurt her family. She tells me she has never felt this way towards another female, even though she fooled around with a couple women in college, and she has always considered herself straight. She says she doesn’t know how to stop thinking about me, while I think about her all day every day, too.

I am frustrated in feeling that she’s taken me down this rabbit hole with her but can’t figure out who she is much less what she wants. I am not sure I can be only friends with her at this point. She tells me she feels so guilty for her feelings because she can’t hurt anyone, yet keeps up the flirting and spending time with me. Not sure what to do or where to go from here. — In Love with My ‘Straight’ Co-Worker

She’s married. Period. End of story. MOA. Her ambiguous sexuality, the “rabbit hole” she’s taken you down, the intense feelings, blah, blah, BLAH don’t matter. What matters is that she’s committed to someone else and she’s stated numerous times to you that she can’t act on her feelings toward you because she doesn’t want to “hurt her family.” Of course, she’s already hurting them — and YOU! — by engaging in this emotional affair with you. Well, you can’t control what goes on in her family, but you sure as shit can control how she makes YOU feel. How? Stop see her. Stop spending time with her. Stop flirting with her and confiding in her and playing this stupid cat-and-mouse game with her. Acknowledge that she’s confused and it’s not YOUR job to help her figure shit out. Go find someone who is: A) emotionally and physically available; and B) not confused about her sexuality. Anything else is just a “project,” not a relationship.

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.

3 Comments

Delia says:

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I could have written this… except that I played the story out to the end. And I’m sharing this because even though you probably won’t take my advice, you can’t say you weren’t warned.

I was in your position, except I was married too, and when my wife found out about my affair with my ‘straight’ married coworker, it was the end of our marriage. My colleague, meanwhile, has carried on with her life as if nothing happened. Her husband and kids never found out (no one in her life did), and while she got to check a ‘bucket list item’ off her list (ie sleeping with a woman), I ended up in love with her, then heartbroken, then simply broken as I hit rock bottom. I had to face my wife, her family, my family, our friends and everyone else in our lives, everyone knowing what I did. I had to face my colleague every day as my life fell apart and hers simply carried on. Worst of all, I was in love with her, and for her, it was simply a fun time. I am almost 100% sure that that is how your colleague views your situation too. She has the safety and security of a marriage, a stable life, the excuse of being ‘straight’ – what do you have? Mark my words, straight women WILL break your heart, and this woman WILL break your heart. You are going to end up burnt. Be warned.

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Christina says:

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I love that you have the audacity to blame her when the problem is you.
She didn’t take you down this rabbit hole, you caught feelings. And the right thing to do was back off put some distance in, not continue to create a deeper bond with her until she caught feelings back. You’re extremely manipulative here. She’s married. That means off limits, period.

So many lesbians get so upset and won’t even date bi women because they always think they will leave them and cheat in them with a man, but i guess you have no problem with that in reverse eh? Destroy a family. You need to back off on all levels here. No contact. Period.

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1. HeartsMum says:
  
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  Christina, the person “to blame” is the person breaking their vows. Although I believe there’s more than one way to break a wedding vow, and a woman testing the waters of infidelity with any gender may well be experiencing a life of broken vows. But, LW, that’s not YOUR problem. Your colleague gets the ego boost of your interest, yet your absolute best case scenario is being branded a home wrecker and ostracised at work and in your community. Not to mention a future relationship with the children. If she wants to sort out her life, her marriage, and her sexuality, that’s on her. There’s more ways to find out “if you’re a lesbian” than sleeping with a woman (wouldn’t all women decide we weren’t heterosexual after the first bad experience with a man otherwise?), like therapy, journaling, seeking out queer culture. Your colleague needs to stop using you as a human Petri dish. And you need to dial back the contact, the emotional fantasising, and concentrate on keeping your job. Wendy’s so right on this.
  
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