Miles Would Like Your Advice
Dear Internet,
Wendy and the man are having a baby. I’ve been depressed about this for weeks. Sometimes I just sit in my little box by the window or under the bed where no one can bother me and I think and think. Mostly, I think about chicken parm subs and that day in the old apartment when I caught a mouse, but sometimes I also think about how much I don’t want a baby around here. It’s going to be a boy.
Wendy has started buying clothes and stuff for the baby and sometimes she likes to put the clothes and stuff on me. And then she takes pictures. It’s humiliating. But she seems so happy and I don’t want to make her sad so I just sit there and take it like a man. But, for fuck’s sake, I’m a cat and this needs to stop!
Do you think I should start sticking up for myself? Should I hide under the bed when she gets back from the store and when the mail person delivers another box from the internet? Should I find a new place to live? Simone acts like everything is fine. But she’s not the one who is Wendy’s little baby clothes model (Wendy says she’s too small).
Thanks,
Miles the Cat
Dear Miles,
I understand what it is like to be mad at your person. My person has never brought home a baby, but she has done other things that make me angry. Like clipping my toenails and shutting her door while she is sleeping. Usually, I just bite her when she is unsuspecting, but she continues to do those things that I don’t like, so I don’t think it’s working. I’ve heard of other cats pooping outside the litterbox. It might sound kind of gross at first, but it’s worth a shot. Maybe they’ll change their mind about bringing the baby home.
Good luck,
Oreo
lol best advice ever!
Dear Miles,
I’m going to disagree with Oreo. I’ve learned from personal experience that hormonal, sleep-deprived, postpartum women don’t take well to their cats pooping outside of the littler box. Learn from my mistake – don’t do it!
Have you heard the expression, “If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em?” That’s what I suggest you doing. Wendy will spend a lot of time feeding the baby, so be all cute and sit next to her and purr while she’s doing that. She’ll think it’s adorable.
Kind regards,
Keiko
I don’t know if isolated, indoor cats pose a risk, but pregnant women shouldn’t clean cat litter boxes or come in contact with cat feces due to the risk of contracting toxoplasmosis. Raw meat and garden soil are other means of transmission. Perhaps you can show your displeasure with your human another way?
BAHAHHAHAHAA!!!!! sooooooooooo cute! and hilarious!!!!!
My advice to you Miles is dont go the way of those siamese cats in Lady and the Tramp and start stealing things from the baby. That will just make you seem desperate for attention. And you’re not. You like, don’t even care about attention. Find yourself a quite corner of the house and try to calm your nerves with some catnip. Remind yourself that you ARE still the center of the universe. Of course you are! Catch Wendy a bird so she remembers how helpful you are around the house. Babies can’t catch birds. What does Wendy see in them anyway?
Do not poop in the shoes. That will just make the hormonal person sad/angry and you might end up at someone else’s house. Just think of all the lovin you will eventually get from the kid. Also, don’t lick his dishes or try to smother him…just not cool man.
Dear Miles,
My human talks to me all the time, but even though I want to understand I can’t! So I just say Meow a lot and it’s like we are having a real conversation. I meow very very VERY loudly when I want something, maybe you could try that? Also, I keep my claws very sharp, since humans are unarmed and a bit silly sometimes, I like to let them know when not enough stroking becomes too much stroking by using these. When I open my eyes wide and peer up at the humans they go all weird and make noises like “CUTIE”, and I get milk.
Good luck, at least it’s not another cat…grrr…hiss!!!
Yours fluffily,
Artoo
Dear Miles,
Sometimes your person will try and do things for the best for everyone involved as a means of coping with BIG changes/scary situations. My boyfriend tried to make me live with another woman with another cat when his wife had horrible allergies. When he took me to the carrier I told him, “I don’t like this – you don’t like this either – GET ME OUT.” Yet the wife babbled some nonsense about taking care of my boyfriend. Bitch, I was there BEFORE you were and NO ONE is keeping me away from my boyfriend.
I made a stand. You HAVE to with these humans. I tried playing nice to the woman to make her continue my food but started fighting with the other cat. The woman called my boyfriend who got me back where I belonged. His wife continued her allergy shots and I was told to be left alone, so she wouldn’t access my “dander” (whatever bitch, I’m clean). Miles, let me tell you, that things are SO much better now. I got a WHOLE ROOM to myself! I only have to call for food/water, YUMS, and occasional scritchies and my boyfriend caters to my every whim. Heck, the wife will hear me and tell my boyfriend to give me the attention I obviously deserve. I was so grateful, I left my boyfriend half of the mouse I found for him (although he made these gagging noises when he found it).
The only bad thing about being back is that I have to take a b-a-t-h with w-a-t-e-r and this AWFUL shampoo thingy twice a month. Yet I make it known that I do not WANT it – I keep myself perfectly clean, thankyouverymuch. Yet the boyfriend STILL makes me take it, no matter how much tell him I don’t want it. I lovebite and tagscratch him to stop. The only reason I put up with it is because after I make a lot of noise and make him shed a little blood, I get ALL the YUMS I want and I’m left alone – IN MY ROOM.
Don’t roll over like a dog in your situation Miles. Stand up for Feline kind! Start running away when you see your human coming at you! Unless she has YUMS. Don’t do ANYTHING you don’t want to unless you get some YUMS in return. The salmon/tuna blend is really nice…
Catnip and Yums,
Hocus Pocus
you keep your cat locked up in a room?
I am not locked up. I CHOOSE to stay there by myself now. The wife has tried leaving the door open once her allergy shot regimine was on maintenance dosage. My boyfriend was worried she would get a breathing attack. He should know that I am comfy where I am at and I want to stay there now. I LOVE my room. I have a whole bed to myself, the air conditioning in full blast, my litterbox nearby, my food and water in place, a scratchypad with catnip and all the toys and hidey places I want. I also get a WINDOW all to myself so I can see the birds in the tree/mice on the ground. The wife will sometimes sneak in and open the window so I can stick a paw out to the world. My boyfriend gets mad because I want to jump out and stalkstalkstalk sometimes. I got these outdoor tendencies, even though I was primarily raised to be an indoor cat.
In college two of my friends had a cat, and one of the friends (who really liked the cat) studied abroad. The other friend kept the cat in the friends bedroom and never let it out. So it had a whole person bed, toys, its litter box, and food, and a window.
Everyone was HORRIFIED that she did this. It ended my two friends’ friendship. You can’t just leave a cat in a room by itself and go in a pet it sometimes when you hear it desperately mowing. if you are this allergic to the cat, you should find a new home for it.
You can’t just leave a cat in a room with toys and a window that you *sometimes* open a crack???? It would be funny that you think that’s like, an awesome experience for a cat if it wasn’t so heartbreaking. Does this really sound like a good situation for a cat to you? Because it’s not. I highly doubt your husband is spending 3 hours a night in the room interacting with the cat, so I’m sure its alone MUCH of the time. Of course it won’t leave the room now, its like psychologically damaged from being left alone in one room for 90% of its life.
I get that you have allergies, but stop acting like this an awesome situation for your husband’s pet, because its not, and find it a new home.
Sorry, I am just an animal lover and things like this drive me crazy. It is wrong to leave your dog out on a line in the backyard or in a pen all the time, and it is wrong to leave a cat in a room by itself.
As “anti-social” as cats can be at times, they are actually very social animals and THRIVE on being a part of the family, being able to interact with those around them and watch/be a part of the day-to-day going-ons of the home.
I get that you are an animal lover, yet you don’t know Hocus Pocus. Hocus will do as she pleases, when she does and she has never been a social animal. She actively hides from others when company is in the house, even if it’s a visitor she’s met before. If you see her perching where she does, don’t bother petting her, because she will BITE. Whenever my husband lavishes her with petting or brushes, she will attack and bite, as well as crawl up to his ears and suckle them as though she was nursing.
Also, you obviously don’t know the extent of my allergies. Before we discovered that cats were the trigger, I broke out in hives and at one point I had x-rays and take medicine through a respirator – that’s how bad my lungs were. Even now, I have a maintence shot every two weeks, have TWO different inhalers when I have a lung attack and I have to take an antihistamine every day while Hocus is around. She is not only in the room to control the dander, even with my husband’s constant vaccumming, she is in there because she LIKES it there. Even with my allergies, I tried to encourage Hocus out of the room, but she won’t budge. She has to be picked up to go from one room to another, or out on the porch where she can roll around in the sun.
We actively TRIED to get Hocus a new home, especially when there were fears of the allergy treatments not being covered by my health insurance. The one temporary home we did manage made her miserable and we felt miserable for having to go through that. The only option that we have left after no one, stranger or friend, can pick up Hocus, is to return her to the shelter from where she was adopted almost ten years ago and where her Mom abandoned her as a kitten. I’ve only been around for five. Even her shelter feels that having her in the one room where she is lavashed with everything she wants, and exclamations of hello/goodbye as we head off to work is a much better situation than her being miserable with other cats, where she WILL get into fights, and having to be potentially put down because of her age since nobody wants an adult cat – they want kittens.
Even if we COULD give Hocus back to the shelter, I know that my husband will have a hard time giving her up. The timeline of events isn’t clear to me since they occurred before I was in my husband’s life, yet Hocus may have been the last cat who interacted with my husband’s Mom before she died of cancer. We both had to take a personal day when we gave Hocus up the first time, and I know the pain of having to give her up then will be exceptionally hard to repeat again.
If you have serious allergies, look out for asthma. It’s very often triggered by cats and is exacerbated by continuous exposure. If it’s a problem and you tough it out long enough, you will eventually need permanent steroid prescription. That’s not cheap or convenient.
Your best bet is still to do without the cat. One thing that you might find helps is to keep the bedroom closed and with a HEPA filter
I live in a studio apartment. It’s basically one room. Sometimes, I crack the window so the cat can see outside. Does this make me a terrible pet owner?
are you ever in the apartment too? if not, then yes. that is terrible.
yeah. she probably should have just let that cat get ‘put down’.
…
Or boot it outside to live on its own in “freedom.”
My cat lives with my mom because we can’t have him here. She works all day, so he has been home alone. There used to be a dog, but he passed away last year. My cat’s about 10 years old and sleeps a lot, and this summer my sister and a friend are staying at the house (home from college) and the cat definitely prefers them NOT to be there because they’re loud. Does that make us bad people?
Depends on the cat and the size of the room. My elderly cat is becoming a bit deaf & fragile, so keeping her in my bedroom with the door closed at all times is safer for her. My master bedroom is bigger than the first apartment I had back in 1988, so there’s plenty of room. Sometimes I let her in the yard for supervised playtime, but she gets confused and wants to come back in pretty quickly. I think she might also be developing kitty Alzheimer’s: she’ll sometimes hiss & growl at, and even attempt to attack, some imagined predator that isn’t there. Poor senile kitty!
My poor old cat developed kitty Alzheimers towards the end of his life. (He lived to be 19). He would get confused if you were petting him and he would lash out and bite, which he never used to do, but not draw blood. Then, that phase passed, and you could tell by looking at him that there was nothing in there any more, but he would still sit on your lap and purr. He never seemed to suffer until right at the very end, and at that time we talked about putting him down, but he passed away a couple days after he got terribly sick. It can happen, and I know by the end of my cat’s life, even though he had the whole house to explore, he spent all of his time (when he wasn’t sitting on my dad’s lap) in one upstairs room because it was the warmest.
“Should I hide under the bed when she gets back from the store and when the mail person delivers another box from the internet? ”
Yes. Run. Hide. Because you know it won’t stop there, soon your tail will be grabbed and pulled by a tiny size human so put your paw down Miles, do it now before it’s too late !!
☠
Dear Miles,
My mommy made me wear a baby onesie and took a picture. I was very angry but Daddy understood. He doesn’t make me wear people clothes. I already have a tuxedo on, because you see, I am a tuxedo cat. I’m too distinguished to wear things like baby clothes. I don’t think you are a tuxedo cat though. You look like a calico. I think you should start sticking up for yourself because cats are too distinguished for that. But you don’t want to do it angrily or they might just think you’re an angry kitteh.
Show them how much cuter and fluffier you are. Tell them, “Look at me. Look at these paws. And my whiskers. Aren’t they cute? And my fur is so silky and snuggly. I am a kitteh and I’m the best.” And make sure to give your Wendy lots of kitty affection so she will remember that you are the number one kitteh.
Miles is a white & gray tabby not calico and take my word for it that variety are usually stuck up snobs and I speak from ongoing experience. I do like your tux, where did you pick it up?
This is too cute.
Could only be cuter if there was any PATTYCAKES action !
Dear Miles,
There is a squirrel outside my window on a tree. It’s black. I didn’t know squirrels could be black. Do you want to try to catch it?
Dear Miles,
My mommy brought one of those babies to our house the other day. I didn’t like it. My brother, Fuji liked it though! I even saw him sniffing her little feet! Then the baby reached out and touched him! And I think he liked it. I don’t like that though. I don’t like any strangers in my house, so I go upstairs and hide until Mommy gives me a treat. Sometimes she picks me up and brings me downstairs to meet the new people, but I run away as fast as I can. I like my mommy the best and don’t want to meet other people.
Love,
Calzo
Dear Miles,
My person hasn’t brought home a baby, but she has brought home toys that I just do not like. I’d much rather play with the box the toy came in. So for a baby, that means ignore the baby and keep playing with your person!
P.S. I poop outside the litterbox whenever it’s not perfectly clean (seriously, like if it goes 18 hours without being cleaned…) – all it will do is make your person angry and not want to play with you at all.
Best,
Kimba
Dear Miles,
You are a fool to allow your subordinates to bring another baby into the house.
Sincerely,
Charles
listen miles: just start putting on some weight so wendy stops trying the baby’s clothes on you (it also works if you diet, just make sure you don’t look like the cat version of christian bale in the machinist). drink lots of water so when wendy comes with the clothes just pee on the floor and roll over it…. and if you do it constantly, she’ll think more than twice next time she wants to put that “cute” onesie on you. and be patient; after all when the human cub is born, she will be too busy to bother you again. actually she’ll love your meows after she reads the article about how baby cry is the most annoying noise: http://www.thejournal.ie/whining-scientifically-the-most-annoying-sound-plus-the-7-other-most-annoying-sounds-162264-Jun2011/ (casually let the page open in her laptop… i bet you’ve done it before).
well, time to play old doggie for my humans! dobie
Dude! No one likes an aggressive cat. You’re liable to get yourself snipped. Seriously…
SNIP. SNIP.
That could be your manhood right there.
No no no, aggressive is not the way to go.
Just poop in her shoes.
Good luck!
What makes you think he’s not already snipped ?
I’m an eternal optimist. Please don’t tear me down. Thank you very much.
“Just poop in her shoes.”
I’m guessing someone else caught Wilfred last night?
I’m his auntie. He’s been snipped, but he’s still a man!
Miles,
A couple weeks ago my owner stuffed me in a box, then put me in a bigger box that moved REALLY REALLY FAST. I had to stay in there for 15 HOURS with only two litterbox breaks at scary places with scary strangers outside the big box’s windows. Then we got to a strange big house with strange people. I thought that was bad enough but the next day some other lady BROUGHT OVER A GIANT EVIL DOG. It was awful. I hid upstairs and my owner didn’t let the dog go up after me. Eventually I decided I didn’t like it upstairs and I came downstairs and perched just out of the dog’s reach.
So I would advise you to observe everything from someplace they can’t get you. Try the top of the furniture or the fridge. Once the human kitten is there, it probably won’t be able to jump very high.
As far as the baby clothes go, I think you should just go claws out and puffy to avoid being stuffed into them. You can also rip them to shreds with your back feet. Maybe then she’ll stop ordering new ones?
Sincerely,
Shakespeare
Oh my goodness. Its another tuxedo cat! We are distinguished kittehs. Look at us. Look at our fur. Its so shiny and soft.
We are dressed for the prom!
Dear Miles,
Here’s my advice:
1) Watch every episode of ‘My Cat From Hell’
2) Take detailed notes
3) Execute to the best of your ability
Miles –
Coming from a house with four kids and three cats, let me tell you – there are many advantages to having new kids coming in. Three words man: Unattended fleece blankies. They will be everywhere and they are small enough that you can either lay on them where they are or drag them off where you want them and use them for a snuggle.
When the kids start getting bigger and learn “share”, you are in for a treat. Bottles of milk, sandwiches, treats, etc. People food my man, people food. Plus, little kids (once they get older) are great snugglers and once they learn how to pet properly, are good at tummy rubs. You just need to train the big human to train the little human right. Little humans learn headbutt affection quickly, and nose-kisses well. Just keep your tail out of reach for the first year or so. Also – those little Hot Wheels cars are fun to bat around.
Until then, try to be patient. Your female human will get over the weirdness eventually. She will shower you with treats, tummy rubs and brushes. Maybe even a really good ear and chin scritching. Maybe even some ‘nip-filled toys. Hang in there man, we know how you feel.
-Bear, Foxy and Ashes in Alaska
Best. Advice. Ever.
Headbutts and nose rubs,
Cami the Great
Dear Miles,
I feel your pain. TaraMonster is forcing me to live with the man that used to only visit a lot. I kept hoping he would go home because he keeps his toothbrush on the part of the sink where I like to perch to drink water from the faucet. At least you have a warning so you can prepare. I was completely blindsided. One thing I learned about that man is that he likes to leave work shirts and pants on the floor, and they are perfect for peeing on. Cat pee is very hard to get out of clothes. My plan is to ruin so many of his clothes that the man gets mad and goes away. I thought he would just start picking them up like TaraMonster tells him to, but he never does, which is very convenient for my plan. Maybe you can pee on the baby’s clothes and he will pack his things and leave. It’s worth a shot.
Good luck,
Rafiki
Dear Rafiki,
The joke is on the man leaving his toothbrush out in the open! Every time the toilet is flushed little particles of pee & poop come out of the toilet & settle on his toothbrush! Good for him…
Yours,
Fluffy
Dear Fluffy,
That is what TaraMonster tells the man, but he doesn’t seem to know how to put things away. That is why I only pee on his things, and not TaraMonster’s. I also chew his iPod cords. They are my favorite kind of rubber/wire combo. I also chewed his expensive headphone cords. I hope he gets the message soon that TaraMonster is mine and that I do not like sharing.
Best,
Rafiki
Dear Rafiki,
You sound awesome…will you marry me?
Lovingly,
Fluffy
Dear Fluffy,
I assume you are a girl cat, Fluffy. My name is misleading, I am a girl cat too. TaraMonster and her old roommate decided that as an animal, gender does not apply to me. I kind of agree: both girl cats and boy cats are nice to sleep next to and meow at. The good news is that I live in NY and hopefully by the end of today we will legalize gay marriage! As long as they do not discriminate against us for being in a gay cat marriage, I accept your proposal.
Love your fiance,
Rafiki <3
YES.
Yay! Looks like the gay cat marriage can go on as planned. I’ll bring the Pounce treats.
Yay! Very proud to be a New Yorker today!!!
Rafiki,
I certainly do NOT discriminate against Gay Cat Marriage or any type of Gay Marriage!
More power to us gay cats and the people too!
Yours,
Fluffy xo
Dear Miles,
My momma tried to make me wear silly little hats and vests for a while. My solution: shed as much as possible. For some reason momma doesn’t like it when I shed on her stuff, especially the black tightie things she wears. I’m not allowed to rub against her when she’s wearing them. Also, I like to use the litterbox when wearing the clothes. Momma always makes a funny squeally noise that makes me want to play and grabs the hats when I go to the box. Always works for me!
Another piece of advice, babies are cute when they’re little. They droll and make funny noises that you have to investigate. Also, the humans don’t complain as much about cleaning your litterbox because his litterbox is worse. Humans can be useful. But, when the teethies start to come in…Run!! Teethies mean bities and bities is no fun. I know, momma had a baby over and she bit my tail. It hurt. Good luck.
Loves and catnip,
Whelan and Corbie
Dear Miles,
I only have to deal with the small humans sometimes, when my lady and the other one* go away and her sister has to feed me. The small humans can be scary, but if you are brave and patient sometimes they drop yummy food for you. And sometimes you can steal their ice cream.
Love,
Jasper
*We live with the other one now. He won’t pet me. He says he is allergic. It’s ok, I just rub up against his legs.
Dear Miles,
This is my three step plan.
1) eat all clothes they put on you
2) pee on all clothes they leave in bags on the ground
3) pee on baby when it arrives
That way, they’ll have to send it back because it won’t have anything to wear and it will smell bad.
Best,
Kiki
Oh Miles,
I may still be just a baby, but I know how to get the attention of those silly humans. Just the other day, I learned that moving my water bowl across the floor, splashing the water everywhere is not only fun, but gets the lady out of bed. She runs over and I scamper away snickering and hide under the bed watching that poor fool clean it all up. What a fun game!
The best way to avoid the humiliation is to run away. Be swift, dear Miles. If that fails, be sure to talk to them. My human always talks to me, saying the same thing over and over again. “Why are you so bad?” she asks… and I meow back because yes, I am very, very bad. I act how I want to in my house. Take control, Miles.
Some things can’t be helped. There will be a new, louder being in the house soon. But, those mystical lights will still flash across the ceiling and bugs will still land on the windowsill. Hey, maybe they’ll even get you a crazy red light that goes up the walls.. how cool would that be??
You’ll be okay, Miles. I’m here if you need me.
Clean litter for all!
-Penelope
Ahhhhhh the crazy red light! Why, oh, why can I never catch it?!? At least I get treats when it disappears…
-Niko.
This may be because I’m allergic to cats, but I really hope you wash the clothes after putting them on Miles and before they get to the baby, Wendy! Cat-haired baby clothes sound so gross! That little hat going on the baby’s head, cat hair falling in his eyes, him unable to get it out, the itch…. ugh! Rationally I know he’ll be living in a two-cat household and he’ll be fine with the cat hair, but… every time I look at that baby hat cat picture I think “aaaack! get it off! clean the hat!”
I grew up with cats and I was still allergic to them :/ I got the shots though and I’m not anymore.
Well, I will be washing everything before baby comes, but this is a two-cat household, so he’s gonna have to get used to a little cat hair.
I know, I know… it’ll be dog hair with my kid. I think my allergies biased me.
Actually there are studies that show that young children who are allowed to play in the dirt and are exposed to animals have less allergies and illnesses overall. When we oversanitize everything that is when these kids never have a chance to develop their immune system and they react to a peanut butter sandwich or a cat. So unless one of the parents is extremely allergic to cats (which is not likely the case since you have 2 cats) I would not worry about it too much. Better for the baby after all not to get too neurotic about cleanliness.
Miles my friend the hard truth is there isn’t much you can do about this but there’s worse to come. In a very short time your two legged housemates will be so preoccupied with a new born baby that you’ll be lucky to get the litter box cleaned twice a week. You only have 2 options: MOA or put up with it. I assume that moving out isn’t appealing, especially after all the training you’ve put into Wendy and accepting that guy she drug home. Now she’s ejecting yet another creature into the mix and you thought Drew was an invasion, HA! The tiny new one (he’ll be smaller then you for a while) will be a everlasting distraction to the attention that you’ve enjoyed up to now. I don’t believe you’ll be completely neglected but it’s going to be a whole new ballgame. Hang in there buddy there’s change a-coming. For what it’s worth I like the hat. (hugs)
Hello, Miles!
My mummy is SpyGlassez. When she adopted me, she told me I was her son. If I were in your position, I would be very unhappy if she brought home a new son without consulting me. She has The Ginger, and I am getting used to him some, but I live in the house and not with Mummy because her apartment is small. Plus Mummy says I would not be able to go outside from the apartment. I love Mummy, but I would rather be at the house anyway. I have Severus, our other cat, to play with. I love to explore in the basement and hunt spiders. It is nice and cool and I sleep down there.
One time, Mummy’s friend brought a baby over. It smelled like milk, but it pulled at my furn and tail. I just stayed still and then Mummy gave me num-num treats for being “such a good boy.” So remember – if you are good, Mummy gives num-nums.
Good luck!
~Simon (and SpyGlassez)
I used to love having an indoor pet. Until baby came. The thought of even having an animal in the house with a child makes me sick. Cats climb on babies. You can’t stop the feline from getting all over his stuff. Also, allergies? Ew.
OK Ana this is worth some serious advise. Cat’s that are healthy are NO THREAT to the health of humans even babies. Your over reacting to some bad advise passed on from someone else that was misinformed. Some people are indeed allergic to cats and dogs but there’s no reason to expect your child will be. In fact exposure to some pathogens is a good idea for babies so that their immune systems react in a normal manner and produce antibodies to it. Talk to your pediatrician and get some professional advise. Keep it real dear.
Hi, Miles;
I love your closing line–But, for fuck’s sake, I’m a cat and this needs to stop! I think you need a YouTube video with that title and a narration on freeing the rights of cats from having to wear baby/children/doll clothes. I think Wendy would be impressed with your self-advocacy and appoint you official older brother to the new baby.
–Astrid
Dear Miles,
My human likes to make funny marks on paper with these tasty stick things. Sometimes the funny marks look like something– sometimes they even look like me! I like to steal her sticks and chew on them. I especially like to steal the wrap she wears on her wrist and any clothes that she forgets to put away. I drag them under the bed and sleep on them. Then I smell like my human and my human smells like me. Everyone knows we belong to each other and not to mess with us. You should sleep in your human’s stuff so that the baby will know that Wendy is your human and not his.
Tiger
PS– if you can get her to leave one of her drawers open, sleeping on clean clothes is especially nice.
Dear Miles,
I would never stand for that. If Emma tried to do that, I’d squeeze away as fast as I could, and hide under the couch. A couple times, she put a harness on me, so she could then put me in a little crate and go to the airport. It was horrible.
Don’t deal with this. I don’t suggest scratching (I am proud to say I seldom scratch, and more rarely on purpose), but hide.
Also: a note about babies. Wendy might not like it when you bat at them, but they need to learn on their own to not pull your tail or ears or step on you. Tell Wendy that she should be strict about those rules.
-Ginger
Dear Miles,
My people have a little person who comes to stay at the weekends. We weren’t very sure of each other at first, but now my people have taught him how to pet me properly and I’m always happy to see him! He is also very generous with the treats. He plays with me for a long time. Sometimes the little person does something I don’t like but you can train your baby person not to do these things. They are fast learners.
I have never met a baby person, but when your’s grows up he will be lots of fun. I reckon you should try and make friends with him as soon as possible. If you cuddle with the little person the big people think it’s very cute and you get treats! Just have an escape route planned and somewhere quiet to hide. I like under the bed. I also like to sleep in the tumble drier, which used to make my people very nervous. So I trained them to leave the door open when they unplug it. Hahaha.
Good luck, Miles. Let us know how it goes. I’m rather worried my people might want more little people, I’ve only just trained the one I have!
– Niko.
Dear Miles,
You can use this situation to your advantage! Helping your Wendy test out baby clothes will endear you further to her. When the human baby is crying and pooping everywhere, you can be the source of warm cuddly stress relief your Wendy will be desperate for. It will strengthen your bond immensely and secure your dominance as Cutest In The House.
Practice your puppy eyes now to perfect them for times when Wendy may be distracted. They will be an invaluable tool in getting what you want.
Best regards,
Charlie
Dear Miles,
Once when my people came home with a DOG (!!), a large, smelly, disgusting ill-mannered slobbery thing, and my glaring at him for a full week did NOTHING to remedy the problem, I pooped on the male person’s massage table which he used to get food for me. I eventually got used to that uncouth gallumphing creature. And later they had a baby, but by that time I was used to it. They let me hang out on the bed with the baby so it wasn’t so bad. The dog and I got used to each other too and left this earth within 3 months of each other when we were too old to do much but sleep anymore anyway. The people planted a flower garden over us in the yard. The dog still bothers me with his bad jokes, and bad breath, but now we are buds…
Love, Calypso (from beyond the grave)
Dear Miles,
I’ll take the baby if it prevents my mommy from going to that evil place she calls “work”. When she goes to work, I am left alone for hours and I do NOT like to be left alone. I keep chewing and clawing at the door in hopes that I can escape and go find her or at least someone. Maybe if she left the baby here with me it would not be so bad; i don’t mind when she goes out when i am at grandmas because my kitty friends are there. She keeps saying that she needs to go to work so I can eat but i really don’t understand how that works.
People are just so damn hard to train properly!
Mama Dog
Dear Miles,
Get used to it. You are now going to be the last thing on your person’s mind. But don’t worry, so will everything else. When someone brings a baby home, the entire world just stops and all focus and sanity is bestowed on the new baby, who gets ALL the attention. Wait until another one comes. You’ll want to run away.
I wish there was some advice I could give, but alas, I have been declawed and have no way to escape the same fate.
MEOOOOOOOW,
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