“My Bisexual Boyfriend is Ignoring Me”

72 Comments

1. Wendy you rock! My favorite part…

   “Try to regain a little sanity here. You may have known this guy once seven years ago, but this is a new relationship now — one that is only weeks old; one in which you’ve seen each other fewer times than I’ve changed my underwear today.”

   Just awesome!

2. If things move crazy fast at the beginning, they’re just going to flame out later. It’s my rule of thumb.

   (I know there are probably a million exceptions. But when it’s new and kind of an odd situation, this happens more often than not.)

   1. I think that sums up every relationship I’ve ever had.

   2. SO TRUE! God I wish I would’ve known that about 3 years ago . . .

   3. For the first 6 months or so of my crazy fast starting relationship, I just kept waiting for it to flame out. I kind of can’t believe I’m over a year into it and it’s still going strong.

   4. its like a candle or something– if you have a sparkler, they are the prettiest and the most intense, but they are gone within 30 seconds. but, if you can find a nice wax candle, good quality, that smells good, you light it and even though the flame isn’t as brillant and intense as the sparkler, it will burn for much much longer.

      yea?

3. “The problem comes in when I text him and he won’t text back for, like, two hours, and when I call he won’t answer but will text instead, and when I ask what he’s been up to all day he says “nothing, just chillin’.””

   I’m pretty sure this is normal human behavior. Because you know, two hours ago, he was taking a nap, since its a lazy Saturday. And now he just woke up, so he texted you back. And you’re all “What’s up.” And what’s actually up is he just woke up and is trying to decide whether he wants cereal or a sandwich, and then he might go to the gym, but his college team is on ESPN and so he might go over to a sports bar or his buddy’s apartment and watch it. Oh and then he needs to do laundry and maybe buy more bread. But that’s a long and pointless text that can basically be summed up as “Just chillin'” and pardon the gender stereotypes but he’s a dude, so “just chillin'” is all he says.

   Coincidentally, Just chill is also my advice to you. Chill your expectations, chill the relationship, chill the love songs on facebook.

   1. Sums it up….haha…no desire to discuss my errand running…and whether or not I decided to reheat the pepporoni pizza or run out to dunkin donuts when I woke up at 11 on Saturday.

      I think the LW might have blew it here though. She came on way too strong – the guy is probably hoping she gets frustrated.

   2. I think you just summed up the behavior of every boyfriend I’ve had.

   3. Heh, something I totally love about my mom is that when she calls (we talk about once a week) and I tell her nothing’s up, she doesn’t get pissed or suspicious or bothered or worried I don’t want to talk. She simply says something along the lines of “yeah, everyday life can be pretty uneventful”.

      It can. Not all of us have interesting and exciting things happen to us every day.

      1. It depends on if he gave her detailed responses at the beginning, and now he’s just like “just chillin.’ ” The bf I have now WILL text me a laundry list of mundane things he’s doing, so I expect that sort of thing from him & would be weirded out if he suddenly went from that to only brief answers. However, other people I’m close with routinely give me “NM U?” responses, which I know is normal for them. If this is a drastic change from the way he started out communicating with you, then I’d say he’s lost interest.

4. Ok. Being in a brand-spanking-new, already somewhat-serious LDR myself, I’m going to be a little more understanding or your situation than a lot of people probably will, LW.

   But my advice is still to back the heck off and back the heck up for a while.

   You need to take some cues from this guy. I think he’s trying to send you a message about where he’s at, and it’s a far more casual place than you. So if you want this relationship to last, you need to work with that. Don’t get so far ahead of this guy that he can’t/won’t want to keep up with you.

   Oh, and also, at the two month mark? You haven’t “been able to see him about once a month,” you’ve just been to see him twice. You can’t make a statement on averages like that without more data points to plot.

   1. Thank you for making the statistics point for me so I don’t reveal myself to be a nerdy engineer 🙂

   2. I’ve spent all day studying for a biostats exam and when I read your comment all I could think of was “N IS TOO SMALL FOR RELIABLE ANALYSIS. RESULTS NOT STATISTICALLY SIGNIFICANT”.

      I think i need a break.

      1. Its ok, it happens to the best of us. I used to do the same thing in grad school when I’d spend hours on stats. And in high school and college when I took French, I found myself often thinking in French instead of English.

   3. I loved all your advice and your last paragraph as well. However, and I’m not saying its necessarily a healthy way to be in a relationship, but if she isnt looking for a more casual relationship, then she should realize that he is and not just try to change what she wants, but find what she wants elsewhere. I guess just playing devil’s advocate here.

5. Not to mention, Vegas isn’t exactly a normal town. I lived there for five long years and it really is a world unto itself.

   LW, I heartily agree with Wendy. You are grasping and holding on so hard, this guy is literally slipping away. Back off. See what happens. Maybe he will keep heading away from you but possibly, just maybe, once you stop pursuing him, he might start chasing you. It’s worth a shot because what you’re doing is clearly not working.

   Best of luck and please let us know what happens.

6. Barf. A major insurmountable ginormous fire-truck-red flag: he posted love songs for you on Facebook! Stay away from him.

7. Again.
   if.a.guy.really.wants.to.talk.to.you.he.will.

   1. I wish I could like this a bazillion times. It’s so true. So, so, ridiculously true it boggles my mind that people *don’t* know it!

      Same goes for women, friends, coworkers with problems, and children past the age of cognition. You can make overtures, but once the ball’s in their court, LEAVE IT THERE!

      1. Perfect.

      2. Come on, have a heart! It’s so hard to see this when you’re in it. Of course it’s true and its easy to understand until you’re staring at the phone, wondering why it won’t buzz.

         Plus then guys give you excuses that could very well be true. “I didn’t have service” “I left my phone home” “I can’t check my phone during the work day”. They COULD be true.

         So I totally 100% agree with everyone that this is SO true, let’s cut everyone a little slack who can’t see it in the moment. They should 100% take the advice NOT to communicate, but you can’t fault them for hoping that their object of affection just dropped their phone in the toilet.

   2. So true. And to echo RR, yes, this is genius!

   3. Seriously. I feel like this is the most obvious relationship principle that I’ve seen and read over, and over and over again…and yet it’s still SO enlightening when women discover that “Oh my god! If he wants to date me…he’ll date me! If he wants to communicate with me…he will fucking communicate with me!” Genius!

      1. I think girls should have to get some version of this tattooed on their wrists when they turn 14.

      2. Seriously! This truth is something I’ve “known,” in theory, my whole life, and it seems so clear when you are outside of the situation, but for some reason I just can’t see it when I’m in it.

      3. Works both ways! I learned the hard way like 3 years ago. Haha.

      4. Except that girls are taught to wait and let the guy make the first move, regarding communication. Thus, a girl could really want you to call, but not call you first. So you have to believe in the maxim ((if I like her, I’ll call her) and act on it, in order for her to feel confident enough to act on it herself (If I like him, I talk to him)

      5. Then apparently the last 4 sketchy girls I’ve briefly dated are a conundrum.

      6. To clarify – it was a weird “gender role” reversal according to your “maxim”. They pursued me….when I started reciprocating they pulled a fade out…so should I just be wary of women that pursue me?

   4. I was going to mention something about a tattoo requirement of this for girls but thought itd be too extreme and saw someone else had already suggested it! Preach it TOM.

8. wait, are you moving to Vegas in December to be with this guy? I wasn’t clear on that. If so- Goddamn. If not, well, still, living in Vegas . . . Goddamn.

   1. It sounds like she originally lived in Vegas because she said when she moves “back” to Vegas.

9. yeah, i agree moving wayyyy to fast. stop sending him messages asking where he wants to go with this relationship after two months. i think if you back off just a little you might find him more interested in texting/calling/emailing. it seems like you’re inundating him with various forms of communication, when you scale back you might find he is more willing to communicate with you and less overwhelmed.

10. How old are you? Seriously? You sound like you’re 19 at best. Mentally if not chronologically.

    Texting is meant for little things, not in-depth conversations in which an answer is needed within 5 seconds. Guys consider text messaging a useful tool to say “be there in 10” or “running late, be there in 20”. Not all out biographies of their day. In three months, at one visit per month, you’ve seen him at best, 3 times. And you “Love” him? No – you’re lusting for him. Overtime. Into obsession. And he’s catching that smelly desperation reek that you’re throwing. Go jump into a shower and scrub it off with some sand paper. The finer grain the better. Don’t forget the nooks and crannies now.

    Apologize to him for acting like a clingy, whiney, PMS-ing Twi-hard. Ease back. I hope you aren’t moving to LV just for him. If so, I hope he runs from Vegas before you get there. Honestly, get some self-respect and self-esteem. Don’t move to another town for a guy you’ve only seen 3x in a quarter.

    Eau’Desperate is a stinky colonge. One best left on the corner of a toilet seat with a piece of string attached so a cat can knock it over on “accident”.

    1. Eau’Desperate – i’m stealing this!

    2. I was guessing 14

       1. I was thinking that too, but she already had a r/ship with the guy 7 years ago… maybe they played together in a sandbox and traded cookies??

       2. “She wanted to play ‘House’ like the old days. So, I walked around with a cane and insulted her. She left. I wonder why…”

    3. I think this might be one of my favorite replies you’ve ever given. I’m cracking up.

       1. ‘chic with a head cold, broken tooth and autumn aches and pains (with assorted medications to help all the afflictions) can be amusing to listen to. Now if I could just figure out what I want for lunch – I’d be golden. Unfortunately, all that pops into my head is a little saying of Ford Prefect’s from HHGTTG.

    4. Exactly on the texting thing! My husband doesn’t always answer me right away if I text him when he’s out, especially when we were long distance for a year. It didn’t mean he was being shady, it meant he was out with his friends and he was having fun instead of being glued to his phone!

11. Wow, another one. This week’s theme on Dear Wendy “I’m In a New Relationship and He’s Not Validating It In a Way That Satisfies Me so I’m Coming on Super Strong. What’s Wrong? Help!”

    Sorry, I’m not feeling particularly creative word-wise today. I’m rocking it at InDesign though.

    1. A wise man once said, “90% of the world’s problems are cause by a communication failure. The other 10% are caused by a failure to recognize a communication failure.”

12. Great advice, Wendy. But I don’t love the title of the post. You said yourself that his sexual orientation was not relevant to the problem, so I wish you hadn’t mentioned it in the title. It seems like you were trying to amp up a bit of interest and gain some attention by implying that someone’s sexuality is a big deal. But in this case it’s not. In many situations it’s not.

    For those of us seeking mainstream acceptance for people of all sexual identities, drawing attention to someone’s orientation when it’s irrelevant is akin to mentioning someone’s race when it’s irrelevant. Doing so makes a fuss about something that’s not worth fussing about.

    I am sure you didn’t mean to cause any hurt, Wendy. I know you’ve got so many great new things going on in your life and that you’re busy and distracted. But I hope that when you do get a chance, you’ll consider removing the word “bisexual” from the title of this post. Thank you!

    1. Wendy may not have thought it was an issue, but the LW did mention it as a possible issue. Because the LW felt it might be an issue, it DOES make it a reason to make it as a part of the topic. Not for sensationalism, but to help describe how the LW is feeling. It’s partially how she identifies him, and how she would like to make the problem out to be. It’s not her, it’s his sexuality. She is trying to fob the blame off on anything and everything but her own clingy self. It’s a cheap ploy, but one that does work well for many people.

    2. You know, I wondered about that too…but then, the LW *does* bring up her br’s orientation as something she’s insecure about (or rather, that he’s hanging out with an old hookup), so with that in mind I think it’s more appropriate.

    3. You both make good points. In my reading of the letter I didn’t really see the boyfriend’s sexuality as a big issue to the LW (though you’re right that she is probably trying to blame his bisexuality for her insecurity). She says it’s important but doesn’t linger on it much. But I can see how Wendy read it the way you both did. Thanks for weighing in!

       1. No problem. I know how you feel on the whole oversaturation of sexual orientation in the media thing. Being bisexual myself, I feel like I have to introduce myself as such to everyone in order to just get it out there in order to ensure that I don’t hear any gay bashing (which is quite common in many of the trucker circles that my family is known for), or to give “safe harbor” for any others in the room to weather the storm.
          It doesn’t help that Alaska is pretty closed-minded to begin with in the religion and sexual orientation regions of life. Hopefully, as the parochially-minded die off, the open-minded will have more of a voice.

13. There are so many exclamation points and run-on sentences in this letter that I might die! X-P

    Breathe, please. Maybe I’m reading too much into the tone of your letter, but you “sound” kind of overbearing, overenthusiastic, over-exclamatory, and just, well, over-. Chill out for a sec, or three, and listen to yourself (edited for brevity):

    “We were so excited!…Things were great!…”
    [insert two month gap]
    “But now, things have been the complete opposite!…He has been hanging out with some friends of ours which is no problem at all!…he won’t text back for, like, two hours…I sent him an email saying how I felt about him and how much he meant to me five days ago and asked him to send me one, but still no email…I don’t know what’s going on because he isn’t talking to me and I’m so hurt because I didn’t think that things would just change out of the blue.”

    Every time you use an exclamation point, you sound defensive in my mind. Maybe it’s just me, but you might want to reexamine every one of those statements and think really hard about whether you are trying to convince yourself.

    I hate to break it to you, but yes, things do change “out of the blue” in relationships, or at least seemingly so. One day he wakes up and tells you he doesn’t love you anymore. One night you look over at your longtime friend and decide you’d really like to kiss him. Or from the example of your letter, you jumped right from “let’s try it and see what happens” to “I love you and want a future with you” in the space of 2 visits. Possibly 3, if you’ve already had one in October. For him, that’s pretty out of the blue I imagine. Your past history doesn’t count as part of your present relationship: do you usually find yourself professing love on the third date?

    I’m with Wendy and the rest. SLOW. THE. HECK. DOWN.

    1. I read your second paragraph and all I could hear in my head was Jack Donaghy saying “I graduated from the Harvard school of business, where I was voted “most”.”

14. Holy cow, LW. You need to back off. Won’t return a text after 2 hours? Wow, I must be a huge jerk because I don’t usually drop everything to respond to a text. Sometimes it takes me far more than 2 hours, even for people I care very much about (you know, husband, best friend, mom, etc). My guess is you are coming on just way too strong. Yes, you had something with him 7 years ago. But 7 years ago was a long time. People change, relationship change. This is a new relationship and you need to just put the brakes on. Try not to be so hypersensitive about his texting times or responses. Don’t send profess-my-love-for-you emails. Don’t read into love songs being posted on your facebook (and what the hell is with that anyway? The only time I see that is my middle and high school age family).

    1. I agree she sounds a little over-eager with all the e-mails and “I-love-him!!!!” stuff, but texting protocol differs among individuals. It depends on when you grew up & your lifestyle, I think– for example, among my group of friends (ages in range from 22-27), people get pretty annoyed with delayed or un-returned texts. These days people are pretty much attached to their phone, so a 2-hour delay can seem like a lot.

15. I think if this relationship is meant to be you don’t have to come up with ideas to make it grow after only two months. It will grow naturally.

16. !

17. Unlike some, I don’t think you’re necessarily being crazy by “reading into” him taking a long time to reply to texts or not picking up when you call. Even if you don’t have concrete examples, you can usually sense when someone is pulling away, and it certainly breeds insecurity and fear about where things are headed. Unfortunately, if he is pulling away, no amount of emails or questions is going to bring him back. If anything, that will just push him away further. I definitely agree with commenters suggesting you chill everything out a bit. Don’t implore him any further. Give him a little space. If its been a couple weeks and you notice that when you don’t reach out to him, you guys just aren’t talking, its most likely because he doesn’t want to talk. In which case you should probably just end it rather than letting it die a slow death. In the meantime, just be patient, and realize that you’re not always going to get all the answers right away. If he’s over the situation and wants to be with his buddy, you’ll know soon enough.

    1. I think it’s a fine line to tread to not feel insecure when a guy doesn’t respond quickly to a text. I know for me, I don’t check my phone in class or when I’m working or at the gym, and sometimes I forget that I’ve left it on silent when I’m at home. So yeah, I don’t respond to texts right away all the time and I certainly don’t expect the same from a guy I’m texting.

       BUT (and this happened to me a couple of weeks ago with a guy i was casually seeing/hooking up with)- if there is a change in the *pattern* that you have established (i.e. he used to text you randomly and now only texts in response to a message from you, or he’s recently starting sending one-word responses), that’s when my gut starts sending out little insecurity bells that he might be pulling away.

       And in the example from a couple of weeks ago, my gut was totally right. I sensed that he was pulling away, and he totally was.

       My disclaimer for this whole thing is that I tend to text too much at the beginning of a new relationship anyways, so I impose strict limits on myself 😛

    2. Excellent points.

18. The part I find most stand-out in this letter is: “I’m not an insecure person at all.” Really? Just…really? You’re getting upset that he won’t respond to your texts in 2 hours, you’re reading in to him posting “love songs” on your Facebook wall (hello, you aren’t 13, LW!), and you sent him an email professing your love and providing options for you guys to “work through”…all for a relationship that just began in August.

    Whether or not you consider yourself to be insecure or needy, you’re surely ACTING insecure right now. I’d hazard a guess that the reason is – Your boyfriend (is he actually your boyfriend?? Has that been established??) is NOWHERE NEAR as into you as you’re in to him. This creates an imbalance of power. Your boyfriend has all the power, and so he CAN ignore your texts for 2 hours. Honestly, he can basically do whatever the hell he wants, because he so obviously has your attention no matter what he does.

    I imagine that your whole “getting-way-too-intense-way-too-fast” thing is a HUGE turn-off. It seems like he wanted something fun and casual, and to him it still is…whereas you’re treating it very seriously. I would MOA…you two are very, very clearly looking for two different things.

19. Do a reverse Emeril and kick it down a notch.

    1. REVERSE EMERIL that is ….p r i c e l e s s !!!

20. I’m pretty sure I’ve dated you. I’m not the type of person who needs to have contact even every day, but I’ve dated guys who wanted to be texting the whole day through, and get annoyed when my responses were delayed. Trust me, from this end, it does not make you more inclined to text back immediately, even when you’re in a position to do so.

    1. Exactly. As a female, I hate texting. Especially when I’m busy. I can’t interrupt my work conversation/meeting/driving/whatever to text you back. If you send a second text, an email, and then call all within an hour just to say “hey, whatcha doin’?” (all in a cutesy Isabella voice from Phineas & Ferb) – I’d be pissy. I don’t care how bored/clingy a partner is – unless you’re suicidal or so sick that you’re on your deathbed, I really don’t want to be pestered like that. Or, unless you’re ready to go into labor at any time and I’m on standby. That’s the only other option. In which case – don’t text me – call me. Texts are there with the option of ignoring them for a while (if not indefinetely). Same with emails on a personal account. Phone calls are immediate.
       And anyone that texts me with this teenage abbreviation “txt speak” shit is going to be ignored instantly. I shouldn’t have to translate prior to reading.

21. He’s just not THAT into you. Or perhaps women either. Oh, he is probably definitely bisexual…but he doesn’t want to be tied down right now to anyone is what I would take from this situation…

    That said I don’t know when it was mandated by dating law that all texts were to be replied to the moment you received them… Seriously? Did I miss a memo on that? Because it seems there are a bazillion people out there, many of them my friends, who flip out if I don’t reply back within seconds of receiving whatever they had to tell me…

    Um, just because the other guy knows ALL about you doesn’t mean they don’t mess around. I will get hell on here for this — but I have heard from no less than seven bi guys that, and I quote: “it’s not cheating on my girlfriend if it’s a guy…” Not saying that all bi guys play around a bit, but I will hazard a guess that my own personal experiences in this sort of thing are not totally unique and simply way out of left field. (Disclaimer–I did meet two girlfriends of hot bi guys who actually also felt this way as well and pretty much gave their blessing…) Bottom line? Unless you have had a blunt and direct conversation with him about this, I wouldn’t take anything for granted. Especially, when this is such a new relationship… Frankly, I wouldn’t expect full on monogamy just yet from what you described, so he might feel the same way as me.

    PS: I love the euphemism for gay sex = dealings. I might have to try to work that into the vernacular. “That hot guy from improv class came over the other night and things got all hot and heavy with our dealings…”

    1. “That said I don’t know when it was mandated by dating law that all texts were to be replied to the moment you received them… ”

       Oh my god, I agree. If it’s so damn important, why don’t you actually CALL me. Texts to me are frivolous things that you sent to kill time or that’s so unimportant it’s not worth making a call, like “Get milk too please.”

       1. Plus I spend like half my time driving around LA when I on a shoot and it’s impossible to text and drive legally in California…

    2. SERIOUSLY. I hate texting. I really do, so I don’t do it! Period! When I get texts from people, I call them back if I can, and ignore them if I can’t.

       I mean, really, two hours? I can’ t get over that. That’s so silly. CHILL OUT.

       1. And I hate talking on the phone, so if I have a missed call I’m much more likely to text them back to see if its important before I call. Oh god, I’m the LW’s boyfriend!

    3. I love the euphemisms LWs come up with on this site

22. i think your biggest problem is that you feel like your “getting things back how they used to be” after 7 years. after 7 years, you cant just pick up like nothing happened… this has to be treated like a whole new relationship- you have to pretend you dont know him, because honestly, you dont anymore.

    but, the whole not texting back after 2 hours, you sending lots of emails and just generally being really needy and quick to be in love with this guy…. i mean that is a pretty large problem as well.

23. California DreamER would be a appropriate signature and dreamer is the operative word but Crazy seems more fitting.

24. If you’re going to take Wendy’s (great) advice and back off, just be sure to actually back off and not pretend to back off. Like, don’t think holding off on the texts for a day or two and then pouncing back on him the second he calls is actually pulling back. (Cause you know its not.) Your letter actually reminds me of me circa 2004 and I’m kinda embarrassed just thinking of those memories. I too was overeager and scared a couple guys off, but ya know, you live and learn. If you haven’t already read it I highly suggest picking up the book He’s Just Not That Into You. It’s common sense stuff but really eye opening if you’ve never read it. Sounds like this guy decided he isn’t all that into it anymore. He may come around, he may not. It doesn’t mean you’re not an awesome person so if it doesn’t work out don’t waste too much time overanalyzing it. Move onwards and upwards with your head held high 🙂

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