“My Boyfriend Makes More Money But Wants to Split Rent 50/50”
We are very happy and are trying to move in together. The last time we did I was not financially stable and had a job where I worked 12 hours a week, making my boyfriend the main breadwinner. This caused a lot of tension between us and as a result we broke up. Now, I’m much more financially stable and, as we discuss moving in again, my boyfriend says he wants us to split the rent 50/50, even though he has more money than I do and my bills are more expensive.
I don’t personally find this fair at all. I ask him why he wants this arrangement and he said it’s because he doesn’t want what happened last time to happen again. Thoughts? — Equal Doesn’t Mean Fair
My thought is that if you disagree on whether he should pay more rent than you because he makes more money and has fewer expenses, and you aren’t willing to split the rent 50/50 without holding a grudge and feeling bitter about it, then you aren’t ready to move in together.
We are both divorced with kids. We have similar views on relationships and family. We discussed how things would work out and how I would be the one to move. Due to his custody arrangements he can not move out of his county. I would have to fight my ex-husband to move, but, if it worked out, I would do it.
I recently went to see him for a long weekend and we had a blast. I met his friends, and he took me to work and introduced me. It was amazing. The following week we did not talk as much and I mentioned about coming to see him the following month. He checked his schedule and said it wouldn’t work. He also mentioned that he is going to start traveling for work and maybe I can meet up with him when he is near me. Less than a week later he told me that he is wondering where we are going and that he does not want a commitment. He still wants to talk to me and he likes hanging out, but he doesn’t want to be exclusive.
We are states away and over 1000 miles apart. How do you do casual when it requires a plane to see each other? This is all new to me and I am trying to understand. Any advice or thoughts would be appreciated. — Just Confused
This man has thought it over and he does not want a relationship with you. It may be that he’s gotten to know you better and just doesn’t see himself with you in the long run, or it may be that there are too many complicating factors — long distance visits, a long distance move, custody arrangements, blending two families — that he doesn’t think are worth it. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t enjoy your company and wouldn’t welcome a visit from you now and then, but if you are expecting anything more than a friend-with-benefits type of arrangement with this guy — and it sounds like you are! — I would MOA before you get in over your head.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
i havent read anything, but “its like shortcuts, with fewer empty calories” is HILARIOUS.
LW3….this guy is not interested in you….i would MOA….unless you are looking for a long distance friend that you can occasionally chat with (maybe friend each other on facebook?)….i wouldn’t invest any time, money or travel in to this guy though since it seems pretty clear he is not looking for any sort of relationship with you
LW3, why not just have a casual, non-exclusive LDR with this guy? Why does your relationship have to look like everyone else’s? With children it would be extremely difficult to move them and blend families, not to mention stressful on all of the kids, and it would be more than just the 2 of you in your own little bubble. And kids needs always should come first. Always. Do you really want to get married again? Why not just enjoy what is and keep it casual? Unless you are looking for something more permanent and exclusive, in which case I would suggest then looking closer to home.
Given she was prepared to fight her ex to move , and flew 1000 miles to visit – yes, I think she after something permanent and exclusive
ohh good letters.
LW1- there are two schools of thought -well i guess three?. one is that you have “our” money and you dont really care who pays for what, but that is one where you dont technically “split” anything so i dont think it would apply to you, as you want to split stuff. so, the other two are- you pay based on percentage, and that you pay 50/50. i dont think that either is objectively better/more fair/whatever, its situational, but if you two cannot agree to a system that works for you, i think your screwed. what about a hybrid? on one of our discussions on that someone said that they pay their own bills, then the rest is split into their communal bills by percentage. maybe that could work for you two?
LW2- WWS. i love her phrasing too.
LW3- those fun, crazy quick “relationships” are just that- fun and crazy quick. i have a feeling that you both got caught up in the whirlwind of the romance, made plans to move, emotionally and physically, very hastily, and now he is realizing that this whole arrangement maybe isnt the healthiest thing. if i were you i’d try to take a step back and realize that it really isnt. if you want to, sure, meet up with him when its convenient for both of you, but i dont think that relationships like this have staying power.
LW3, it makes me sick that you would consider moving to another country for a man who hadn’t given you a commitment. You say you would have to fight your children’s father to get custody, ostensibly not because he is a bad father, but because you wanted to move to a new country for your lover. How is that good for your kids?
to be fair, the letter says county, not country.
but i still agree.
I don’t know that it requires moving to another country, just potentially across this one. It said he can’t leave his county, not his country. Unless that’s a typo.
Otherwise I agree though. LW, where is the consideration about what is best for your children in all this?
County, not county. There was no mention of custody either
LW1: Look, you’ve broken up three times, and even though you say you worked on the issues…you still broke up again, right? I’m not even sure if money is your biggest issue here. Regardless, I agree with Wendy that you probably aren’t ready to move in together.
LW2: That’s a tough one. I defer to Wendy because I have no experience on that front.
LW 3: If he says he doesn’t want a relationship, he doesn’t want a relationship. How to do casual when you’re so far apart? Well, you can meet up with him when he travels, you can travel to see each other, but otherwise tone it down with the phone calls and the skype, I guess. Maybe all the fun is in the travel fling Or you can find a guy who wants to be casual who lives within 20 minutes of you. Or, you can reflect and realize that you don’t want something casual, and look for someone who does want the same things as you.
LW1 is a great example of why I just don’t think I will ever feel comfortable living with a SO before we are married and sharing finances. I think sharing a household while maintaining separate finances would tempt me to keep score. I know it works for a lot of couples, but I would be terrible at it.
So, I’m not sure on the details or the custody agreement, but why would you fight your children’s father to move to another country with your kids? If they have ANY relationship at all with their father this is the wrong thing to do. I’ve seen countless divorced mothers move their kids to other states or across the country for their new boyfriend, forever damaging the relationship with their biological father (and usually the father is highly involve and WANTS a relationship with his kids). You’ve hung out with this guy what? twice? Get a grip and stop living in narnia.
LW1….i don’t think it should matter who makes more money, i think if you are both living in the same place then you should both pay 50/50….if you can’t afford it then you need to move into a more reasonably priced place….then both can pay their other expenses, like cell phone bills, etc, out of their own pocket…..i’ve never lived with anyone but that seems fair to me
LW1, your boyfriend has a point of view that is not being clearly communicated to you. Does he think you are a moocher or a hopeless financial mess? Did someone steal his piggy-bank as a child and now his money has to be only his money? Does he not see this relationship as a long-term bet? Something is motivating him to create separation between you on this topic, to make sure he won’t be financially burdened in any way by living with you, and I think you should find out what it is.
LW1 – Wait. He expects you to pay for half of the place you are sharing with him?!?! Gasp! 50/50 IS fair, however, you two sound like a bit of a mess and i wouldn’t personally put much faith into this working out.
LW2 – For the sake of your kids, which by the way you don’t seem to care much about since you have no problem relocating them to a different country away from their father after barely knowing a man(!!!!), I’m glad this guy broke it off with you.
LW1 I think if it’s important to you to live with your boyfriend, you’ll have to give in on this. However, he needs to compromise as well, by choosing a less expensive place. See the main breadwinner can’t be all “50/50!” and then choose somewhere that is a burden on the lower earner’s budget. I’d just tell him you’re willing to contribute $X to rent, and X should be what you would feel comfortable putting forward in any situation be it on your own or with a roommate or a boyfriend. That might be 50% or it might be 30% depending on what he then goes with (he could be a real asshole and choose something where you would be paying 100% but if he does that, well, don’t move in with him!). Just say “I can afford $X for rent because I really want to be responsible about my budgeting. You’re free to contribute an equal or greater amount to get us into an apartment you feel comfortable in, but I’m unable to contribute more than that and stay within budget.”
LW2, this is a LD casual thing. Enjoy it. If you have some spare cash and time to go out of town for some fun, see him. If he’s around, see him if you want to. Other than that find people nearby to date and have fun with. Honestly he did you a favour; it’s a mess combining family LD, and it would NOT be as simple easy peasy as you make it sound to pick your kids up and move like that! Sheesh!
While LW 1 can’t request that her bf pay more than 50% (fairness is purely voluntary and subjective here and she doesn’t have any claim on his money), I do think it could be indicative of the bf’s level of commitment that he’s not willing to compromise on this. (Could. I’t’s speculation and it might also be that he just got burned by their previous experience). Especially if she’s sort of struggling financially and he’s quite well off. In such a situation I would definitely be ready to pay at least a bit more than 50% if I were the higher earner and if I were really committed to the lower earner. Maybe it’s a dangerous argument to make, but I think the LW might correctly sense a lack of commitment behind this.
LW1 – There is no right answer in how to split finances, but that fact that you can’t agree and can’t seem to talk about it productively means you’re not ready to move in together. If one of you begrudgingly agrees to an arrangement, there will only be bitterness later on as other expenses crop up.
LW2 – Oh honey, I am sad at how naive you sound. He is trying to let you down easy. For the sake of your kids you need to slow down your approach to relationships.
I love how dividing money is so polarizing. BUT the bottom line is if you and your partner can’t agree on how to divide money…you’re not ready to move in.
LW1 – While I don’t think there’s a right or wrong way to split finances (it varies so much between couples), I hate the assumption that the higher earner should pay more just because he or she is the higher earner. If that’s what a couple agrees to, that’s fine. But your boyfriend doesn’t want to do that. Your higher bills are YOUR problem, not his. You should talk finances before moving in together and come up with a plan that works for both of you. I think that’s the only way this situation won’t lead to a 4th breakup (if nothing else leads to it first).
LW2 – How do you do casual when you’re a plane ride apart? I don’t think it’s possible, really. Unless you have a lot of spare cash lying around, I think spending on airfare regularly just isn’t something you do for a casual relationship. If you’re looking for a relationship, I’d MOA.
LW1: Why do you feel entitled to have your boyfriend pay for part of your living expenses? You are an adult; that means you support yourself within your means. The only case in which your expectations are fair is when your boyfriend is not willing to live in an apartment where you can comfortably afford your half of the rent. If he demands a nicer place, he has to pay up. Otherwise, his attitude is completely understandable.
LW2: He has lost interest in you. Don’t take it too personally; it’s a complicated situation AND you haven’t really known each other that long. Don’t bother with trying to maintain a casual relationship; just move on.
LW1 and her BF have a long history of financial issues. Perhaps he felt like financially supporting her was a big burden and that caused stress and resentment for him. I think he is trying to avoid repeating that pattern. I like the idea of 50/50 on a place you both can afford. I think if you get married and have kids it changes, but you need to be able to work this out and not look to your BF as your cash cow.
LW1: When my husband and I moved in together (a couple years before he became my husband), I was making significantly more than he was. It was a really easy decision to just throw all of our money together. It was all our money, regardless of who earned what. The reason it was an easy decision is because we both viewed money in the same way. As just a thing that is necessary for buying other necessary things.
It doesn’t sound like you and your boyfriend have similar views on money/finances. It sounds like he still resents you because of what happened last time. I think you need to put the whole “50/50” “But you make more than I do!” conversation to the side and have the more important conversation of how you both view money and finances as a whole. Get on the same page, try and see things from each other’s perspective, and then have the rent conversation again. You will both have to be willing to make small compromises here and there if it’s going to work.
LW1… Let’s put it this way. Either his idea of being in a completely committed relationship is different than yours (aka, he’s going to want to split bills basically 50-50 even when you’re married/coparenting/retired/whatever and doesn’t believe in forming completely shared finances ever), OR his eventual goals are the same as yours, but his idea of where you two are in the commitment spectrum is different from yours, at least in terms of financial commitment. Neither of those sound like a great time to move in.
That said, it’s possible he’s been burned by feeling (perhaps unjustly) that you couldn’t pull your weight before, and he wants to make sure you’re at least willing to put in 50% for now so that he can be sure that you intend to be a full-fledged member of the household, even if you aren’t earning as much as he is. If it’s the latter, then maybe you can still move in — just make sure that your goals and commitment are otherwise the same as his, suck it up and kick in 50% (without EVER committing to more than you can afford — make sure your joint lifestyle reflects your solo finances) for some agreed-upon period of time until he feels comfortable reevaluating. IF you feel comfortable doing that — maybe you would rather hold off on moving in until he trusts you and doesn’t feel you need to prove yourself, which would probably be wise.
I mean, making him the breadwinner before caused you to break up, so I’m a little surprised that you’re surprised that he feels this way.
LW1) Bullshit. I mean, oh come on. If the shoe was on the other foot and YOU made the most money, you’d be calling him cheap if he tried to pull this lame-ass shit. PS. And so would everybody else here presently defending you…
LW2) Yay! Yet another mother of the year who puts her children dead last behind her quest for dick… PS: NEWSFLASH: um, he’s just NOT that into you…
LW1, I think maybe this relationship isn’t so great if you’ve broken up 3 times already, but my take on the 50/50 thing is that it’s fair. I mean, he was the “main breadwinner” while you were working only 12 hours a week at one point— the least you can do is kick in half now.
LW:1 I think it’s fair for you to pay half of the rent if you can afford it, and the way you are reacting seems to show you aren’t ready to move in with this guy. I would say unless you are married, engaged, or pre-engaged, then you need to pull your own weight here.
LW:2 Were you going to just get up, and move away from your kids with out spending a significant amount of time with this guy? If so, this guy did your kids a favor by pretty much telling you he is done with the relationship part of whatever you two have.
#2 – my gut is saying he met someone closer to home. Or got a bit scared when you seemed so ready to uproot your entire life for someone you’ve only met in person a few times. It’s not clear when you met, but it doesn’t seem like it was that long ago. It sucks, but lots of men (and women) get a bit shell-shocked if a potential mate seems eager to make such a big commitment in such a short time.
LW1
1) If you’ve broken up 3 times, then talking out why you broke up isn’t the helping here. It’s a problem that you guys, or one of you guys would rather break up than give a little to each other. Which, surprise surprise, seems to be the problem you both have now. He thinks you aren’t giving anything, and you think he isn’t compromising. So no, you haven’t solved any of your issues by talking it out.
2) Figure out your own budget, if you were living by yourself, and refuse to pay more unless there are compromises elsewhere. I mean this for everything: rent, food, nights outs, chores, etc. That means you give up having a decision in any place over your budget, but you also don’t have to pay for it. But by figuring out your own budget I mean, figure out what is the highest standard of living you want and what you would rather pay lower for even though you could afford more. Also figure out where you could compromise? If you would prefer living above your means in one way, say eating out, would you be willing to do far more of the chores?
Break it off, for the 4th, and final time. He’s not a provider, and hes using you as a placeholder.
If a couple is gojng to split bills, then bills should be split on a ratio according to income, and the rent, and lifestyle needs to be at a level both people can comfortably live at. That means if he makes more, he pays more. Like he pays 75-80 percent and you pay 20-25%. That is what is actually FAIR. Not him getting to hoard a stack of cash at the end of the month, and you scrambling and always poor with no savings, and barely any fun money.
A real provider wouldn’t even let you pay for your own incidental if you were moving in. He would just pick up the tab, without being asked for your hair, makeup, and so on.
If you were the one, for him, he wouldn’t even be bringing this up, he’d just do anything to make your life easier, and do anything to show you how much he cares and wants you long term, marriage.
Theres better out there. Go find it.