“My Boyfriend Never Allows Me Near His Ex”
At the wedding his ex-wife was again rude and nasty and said I wasn’t wanted at the wedding. When it came time to go to our table, she sat me at one table while she and my boyfriend sat together at a different table. He had my chair moved to their table but I felt disrespected and hurt. He said he didn’t know what the seating arrangements were but several weeks before the wedding he kept saying he might have to sit with her, and I kept saying that’s not proper etiquette.
I excused myself from the party to use the ladies room and to check on my four children who were supposed to have been picked up by my ex. Upon calling, I discovered that he was being hospitalized and my kids had to stay at a friends instead of with him because I was three hours away. I was obviously upset and started crying. When I returned to the party my boyfriend confronted me saying I was gone too long and that I was embarrassing him. I did not say a word and instead conducted myself like a lady, which was confirmed by everyone the next day. My boyfriend, however, continued to insist that I ruined the wedding.
Months later, his son got engaged and he lied about the party and said he was golfing when in reality, he attended the party. When I found out about it he said I couldn’t go because it was none of my business, I didn’t belong there, and it was private and he didn’t want me to ruin another party. His daughter was pregnant and I wasn’t allowed to attend the shower because he said I don’t belong. When his daughter had the baby I came to the hospital to bring a gift and he attacked me verbally in the hospital as did his ex-wife. She said that it was private and I didn’t belong there. She said I only belong at family things once I marry my boyfriend and not before.
When my boyfriend’s father died he asked me to come to the memorial but when he found out his ex-wife was coming he said he didn’t want me there because I didn’t belong. He only allows me to attend things that don’t involve his ex-wife. He tells me I’m crazy and that I am not normal, which is everything his ex-wife said to me at the hospital, word for word. She obviously fills his head and I know he is his own person, but will not go against her. All I do is cry and feel like I’m going crazy but I know if you’re in a committed relationship you’re supposed to share your lives, events, holidays, and everything together. Please tell me I’m not crazy. — Losing Battle with His Ex
I don’t think you’re crazy for expecting a partner — especially one you’re engaged to — to include you in family-themed milestone events and special occasions. But I do think it’s wild that you’ve remained with a man who not only lets his ex-wife treat you so horribly without defending you against her, but treats you like garbage himself. How many hits are you going to take from this man before you wise up and MOA? Also, if this family makes you feel so unwelcome at their special events, why did you take it upon yourself to plan a shower … and then wait for “permission” to attend it? Something smells fishy, and I suspect we don’t have the full story. At any rate, this relationship sounds over from the start.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
Your soon to be husband is verbally abusive. MOA
“He tells me I am crazy and not normal”
LW you could of skipped the rest of the letter, this line alone makes me think the only thing that is crazy and not normal is the fact that you are still dating this guy.
MOA. Like last week.
And I agree with Wendy. I don’t understand why, LW, you planned the shower when you weren’t invited to the engagment party. Something doesn’t add up.
Regardless, MOA.
You’re not crazy, your boyfriend is a jerk and his family dynamic sounds awful. MOA.
Something is not right here. And I think the first thing you need to do, is realize that the “something” is…your boyfriend. You seem to want to blame his ex, but ~he’s~ the one telling you you’re embarrassing him, that you “don’t belong” at his family events. He’s the one “verbally attacking” you, siding with his ex when she’s being nasty, & lying about events he’s attending without you.
I’m taking your word for it that there’s nothing about you giving these people a reason not to like you? (Which, even if there was—the behavior you describe from them is pretty inexcusable.) So please—I think you just need to move on. This man is not ready for a life with you, to phrase it mildly. It doesn’t seem like he even wants you around at all.
Jesus, WWS.
Your problem is not with his ex-wife, it’s with him. He’s ignored you, called you names, told you that you’re unwanted…and you still think the problem is with his ex-wife?
In my opinion, yours is a case of willful ignorance. And it makes sense. Blaming his ex-wife for all of the mistreatment and shitty relationship drama is convenient. But it’s not the truth, and I think you know it. I think it’s about time to collect your self-respect, MOA and start unraveling the “whys” of how you’ve allowed yourself to be in an unhealthy relationship that eats away at your self-esteem and self-worth for this long.
LW, being a step parent is hard. I imagine you have ex issues too. However, you showed up at the hospital of your boyfriend’s daughter without being invited? That seems very invasive to me. You weren’t welcome at the shower and you thought it was ok to show up at the hospital? Like 50 women go to a shower and maybe 10 go to the hospital. I think you need boundaries.
Are you the one who broke up the marriage? Because that would explain a lot.Except why your future husband is abusive.
That’s the only explanation that makes sense.
“However, you showed up at the hospital of your boyfriend’s daughter without being invited? That seems very invasive to me. You weren’t welcome at the shower and you thought it was ok to show up at the hospital? Like 50 women go to a shower and maybe 10 go to the hospital. I think you need boundaries.”
Totally agree. Hospital visits need to be cleared with the patient in advance and kept very short if it’s not a very close friend.
Actually, maybe that would even explain why he thinks you’re crazy for wanting to attend family functions.
LW, why would you want to be with a man who treats you this way? WHY? Seriously, I want to know. This goes for everyone else who is dating a loser who treats you like shit. You do realize that being single is ok, and that there are lots of other people out there you could date, right?!
LW, your letter is breaking my heart. Leave him. Leave him and his whole crazy extended family behind. This is not a dynamic you want to tie yourself into forever. Further, Wendy’s right, and here’s some more advice originally written for someone in the same situation (I think you’ll find a number of the comments especially helpful):
YOU ARE NOT CRAZY. Moa, or you will be. And what kind of a boyfriend/fiance tells their SO what they are “allowed” to do?!
I agree with Wendy and the others, but the one thing that you mentioned several times that makes me wonder about the situation, especially in light of everything else you have shared: You mention several times about behaving like a lady. I’m not sure what that means to you, but that doesn’t mean you act as a doormat, which is what it seems to be the case with your boyfriend. He doesn’t treat you well, at least when it comes to his children, and I would think a man who speaks to a woman like that doesn’t just limit it to a certain topic. He sound controlling and manipulative – the wedding incident is just ridiculous if he thinks you ruined it.
By the way, I can understand him wanting to “keep the peace” since his ex-wife is so nasty, but it’s more than that – he’s rude and disrespectful to you. He should always be on your side when it comes to her, though, but he’s not ever, it would seem.
I’d have a long serious talk with him about all of this. I’m guessing you haven’t or you would have mentioned that. But, you have to be ready to decide what action you are willing to take, because he doesn’t seem like the type who is going to think he needs to change. You deserve someone better than that.
Why on earth would you want to be married to a man who doesn’t think you “belong” in his life? HE is the one who is not normal. Cut your losses and MOA.
This man is not good for you. Leave him and his crazy family behind. If you marry him, you will be more miserable than you are now.
LW, has your boyfriend ever said to you “I don’t want to be with you anymore and I think we need to break up?” Perhaps it was sometime after the daughter’s wedding? The explanations for why he is mean to you are:
1. He is a mean hateful guy with a mean hateful family.
2. He already broke up with you nicely and you don’t get it so he has resorted to being mean.
3. He is simple minded and afraid of his ex-wife and thinks and feels only what he tells him to.
I am betting that it is number 2.
Please do not marry this man. And take some time out for yourself to figure out why you automatically seem to put his needs before your own, so that you can either work on revamping this relationship (which I do not recommend) or set your self up to approach your next relationship from a stronger position.
so, i agree that this guy is an idiot and you need to leave him… HOWEVER- your repeat mentions of “proper etiquette” and acting like a “lady” despite him being a jackass make me think that there is more to the story and you are not completely blameless here.
i just think you need a drama cleanse. get some self-awareness about why you would be with a guy like this, and then why you seem to feed the drama so much. its not healthy, and it absolutely doesnt make you a desirable partner. so cut that shit out.
I’m thinking you should just go ahead and MOA. He treats you like crap and you’re putting up with it — that’s not OK. He seems like a jerk, and I don’t think he is someone you should really want to be with.
Also, this stuck out to me, “I did not say a word and instead conducted myself like a lady, which was confirmed by everyone the next day.”
… Did you bring this up to people? Did they bring this up to you? I understand you telling US that you behaved like a “lady” (you know, so we know what role you played), but I hope you didn’t go around asking people if you conducted yourself like a lady or bringing up what happened to other family members. Because I don’t think that’s very lady-like. Being a lady means, to me at least, being polite, poised and classy, and occasionally biting your lip just to save face BUT being a lady does not mean allowing people to walk all over you.
You should stand up for yourself and should never let anyone treat you like you’re lower than dirt — being lady-like would be taking the high road, telling your fiance that you do not and will not tolerate being treated in such a manner and then walking away.
Do his kids like you? They should be the ones deciding if you get to go to their parties or not. They really sound like a pretty crappy family to be part of. Also it seems like you might read into things a little to much, and overreact! Were your kids ok when they were staying over a friends house? Was your kids friends house such a terrible place to be that it drove you to tears, and kept you a way from the wedding for so long?
Omg LW please tell me you don’t let your children near this lunatic.
Man, I would love to get the perspective of the daughter in this story. Something tells me she did not have a smooth and drama-free wedding.
I wish there was a requirement that all letters had to include the gender and/or sex; the age and the country of origin and/or country of residence of the LW. Because this letter read a little stilted (meaning it made me think English was not the first language of the LW) and maybe this is not occurring in America, where there are different traditions for hospitals and weddings. Also, there are a lot of children of varying ages (her 4 little ones, his married children) which made me want to know their ages. He sounds a lot older than she is.
But, the whole thing was so sad… do you live together? Is he ever nice to you? Just so sad.
Your BF should be creating a united front with you. The fact that he doesn’t makes him suspect. MOA and find someone who treats you better!
Please LW, don’t marry this guy. Even if you were inserting yourself into social situations that aren’t completely appropriate, it still wouldn’t be ok for him to verbally abuse you and treat you like crap. Take a stand for yourself, give back his ring, and go start your own life with your 4 kids. They are the 4 people in this world that should be #1 on your priority list anyway. You should probably take a break from dating for a little while and just focus on yourself and your kids. I get the feeling that you don’t have terribly high self-esteem, and you should work on that before you date again. You have to love yourself before you can love someone else.
One more observation: you didn’t mention why he and his ex broke up but it sounds like they still have feelings for each other. If that weren’t the case, he wouldn’t choose to sit by her at a wedding rather than you. I wouldn’t be surprised if they get back together after you (hopefully) dump him. And they both sound like pompous assholes so they’re perfect for each other!
I don’t understand why you have continued to stay with a man that makes you feel so shitty & you have to confirm with other friends/family that your behavior is normal. MOA sweetheart 🙁
Dump this asshole like a bad habit, move on and find someone who will respect you and not have his balls tied to his ex-wife’s purse like a keychain.
You deserve so much better than this.
LW, you’re spending time asking whether you’re crazy and trying to prove that you’re not, when you should have just dumped this guy a long time ago. He treats you like crap, and even if he didn’t, he’s letting his ex-wife make your life completely miserable. Why put up with that? I mean, really, why would you want an asshole for a boyfriend?
Though, I always wonder in situations like this where the new girlfriend or wife is displeased by not being welcomed into the family what else is going on. You never mention how his daughter feels about you, either. My dad didn’t invite my current stepmom to family events until they got serious, so the engagement party thing, since you said you were just starting to date, is not that odd to me.
I also think you have an odd fixation with “being a lady.” If someone is treating you like shit, it doesn’t matter how you act. You don’t have to have a certain degree of manners to deserve to be treated well (well, aside from really rude people, but that’s beside the point).
I am willing to bet money your ass of a boyfriend is still sleeping with his ex-wife. Even if he isn’t, why are you putting up with this treatment? Run, run, run and keep running. You are being verbally abused.
LW, on DW, we get the new wife letters or the adult child letters. You didn’t mention this but I am guessing that your fiance was in a long marriage with this woman. They didn’t break up when the kids were 2 but when they were in thier teens or 20s. Marriages with that much history really never get better and the family never gets comfortable with outside relationships.
My Aunt and Uncle broke up after 25 years of marriage and my Uncle married his mistress. That was 10 years ago. My cousin recently got married and my uncle’s wife did not attend the reception. The new wife sat in the back of the church for the ceremony and quietly took separate pictures away from all the guests then did not go the the reception. She was a wife of 10 years but it didn’t matter because this family was not willing to include her. She made the choice that she would see the kids for part of every holiday but wouldn’t be in the same room as the first wife.
LW, if this is the man you love, you will have to understand that you won’t be in the “in crowd” of this family unit. This situation will never get better because you are not really part of the family. Is that sad and unfair, of course. But you came into this family late and chances are that your fiance wants to have happy events with his children and is willing to pacify his exwife to do so. These happy children are probably more important than you. Now, many people are totally ok being the 2nd wife and missing these joint events like christenings, grand children birthdays, ect. It is up to you if he is worth it.
Didn’t read all the comments, but LW, your fiance is an asshole. Break the engagement and find someone who doesn’t treat you like rubbish.
I feel like your boyfriend hates you and just doesn’t know how to tell you. This reminds me of middle school dating when you want to break up with someone but instead of telling them you just start treating them like shit and passing notes to other boys in front of them and making plans that they’re not invited to until they get the picture and know that you’re broken up.
Like others have said, it’s hard to know whether we’re getting the whole story here, so I’m not going to say who’s being a jerk and who isn’t… it sounds like him, from your letter, but it could be both of you for all I know.
What I do know is that, independent of rights or wrongs, this does not sound like a loving and healthy relationship. You need to break up and find a better fit for you.
“She said I only belong at family things once I marry my boyfriend and not before.”
That sounds horrible! Part of knowing if you really want to marry someone is seeing how you fit in with each other’s families. If you two can’t present a united front before marriage, why would you expect anything to change afterwards? This family does not sounds like it welcomes you, so you need to decide if that’s something you can live with, or if you’d prefer to MOA and maybe find someone in the future who will welcome you into their family.
this dude is either still married or should be. Fuck him and MOA.
A match made in heaven. He is jerk, it seems. But she goes out of her way to make him act this way. She is wildly inappropriate and tries to make EVERY event all about his children somehow ALL about her. It’s alarming how so many of you on here fail to see that. She is a drama-queen just dying to be the center of attention and it is RUDE to show up at events that you aren’t wanted it at. Especially when it’s all about winning. Ugh. People like this are just so exhausting…
Right now you say he tells you you aren’t part of the family until you get Married. Once you are married the excuse will be you aren’t the mother of his children. This whole situation seems very abusive. Please walk away.