“My Boyfriend No Longer Wants to Be My Daughter’s Father”
Because he didn’t acknowledge us, we broke up. Then the next day he apologized and made it sound like he was going to try to work on our relationship. A week later, he decided he doesn’t want kids, saying he is stressed because he is pulling from savings now to keep his house and pay other bills.
Now I don’t know what to do. He acted committed to my daughter and me and took good care of us. Then it all went away after 4-6 months. He says he thinks of my daughter as a pal or friend but that he doesn’t see himself as a father figure. My dad is mad that Shane won’t step up to the plate and be the dad. And Shane is saying we rushed everything and he isn’t quite ready to be a father. And he doesn’t know if those feelings will change, but he wants to take it slow. I agreed to take a step back if that’s what he really wanted. But my dad is saying I should give him an ultimatum to be with me, help me raise my daughter, and be a step-dad — or I’ll leave.
I want my daughter to have a step-dad since her real dad isn’t around. But Shane fears my daughter will yell at him and say, “You’re not the real dad” and not listen to him. I say that won’t happen because my daughter doesn’t have a dad to compare him to.
My dad is basically saying I’m blind. What do you think? Do you think Shane will ever step up to the plate and be a role model/father figure? I know it was rushed. But he took care of us for 4-6 months and then just stopped. He also doesn’t tell me he loves me first. I’ll say it and he will say it back. — Looking for a Step-dad
You’re 26 years old and have a 4-year-old daughter to take care of: grow UP and quit depending on other people to take care of you. Saying you rushed things with your boyfriend is an understatement. You moved in with him less than three months after you became exclusive? That’s fast even when there isn’t a child in the picture. You rushed things because you wanted to lock down this father figure without even getting to KNOW the father figure, and in doing so you risked hurting your daughter, confusing her, and rocking whatever stability she may have had.
Not only did you rush the relationship, but you immediately started depending on Shane to support you and your daughter. No wonder he wants to put the brakes on. He is telling you every way he can that he’s not ready for the responsibility and commitment of caring for a young child. At 35, he should have known enough not to allow you and your daughter to move in with him after a couple of months, but what he didn’t know then he soon figured out: he is not ready to be a father to a little girl he’s known a few months.
And speaking of fathers, your dad needs to mind his own business. He is way out of bounds insisting you give this boyfriend of a few months an ultimatum to either be your kid’s step-dad or say good-bye to your relationship. What kind of nutso talk is that? Save yourself the time and trouble and skip the ultimatum because Shane has already made clear what his choice is. HE DOES NOT WANT TO BE YOUR DAUGHTER’S DAD.
Please, shift your focus from locking down a step-dad for your daughter to being the best damn mom you can so that the absence of a father figure for now isn’t a big deal. Stop waiting for someone else to take care of you guys and provide for your daughter yourself. And tell your dad that, if it’s so important to him that you have a man in your life who “steps up to the plate,” he can fill that role for you and your daughter. He can be a loving paternal figure. That way the next time you become romantically involved with someone you can first focus on building a relationship with him before you start pressuring him to be dad to your daughter.
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“Shane is saying we rushed everything and he isn’t quite ready to be a father. And he doesn’t know if those feelings will change, but he wants to take it slow. I agreed to take a step back if that’s what he really wanted. But my dad is saying I should give him an ultimatum to be with me, help me raise my daughter, and be a step-dad — or I’ll leave.”
Listen to what Shane is telling you. It seems like he is being incredibly honest. You moved REALLY fast into this relationship….AND WITH A KID. Imagine how overwhelmed Shane must feel.
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I hope that you have already moved out. If you really want this relationship to work, slow down. And tell your own dad to BUTT OUT.
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Wendy says it best: “Please, shift your focus from locking down a step-dad for your daughter to being the best damn mom you can so that the absence of a father figure for now isn’t a big deal. Stop waiting for someone else to take care of you guys and provide for your daughter yourself. And tell your dad that, if it’s so important to him that you have a man in your life who “steps up to the plate,” he can fill that role for you and your daughter. He can be a loving paternal figure. That way the next time you become romantically involved with someone you can first focus on building a relationship with him before you start pressuring him to be dad to your daughter.”
I agree about the dad butting out, but I think that part is LW’s faulth.
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While the dad shouldn’t be giving advice like he did, I’ll bet it’s because LW went to him with all of her relationship problems and acted like a child needing advice. I am of the opinion that your parents don’t need to hear everything about your romantic relationships, if only to save them from disliking your partner when you vent about them. If you only use them for venting about issues in your relationship (same goes to doing this to friends) — especially when you don’t temper it with all the great things about your partner — they’ll very quickly come to see the person as bad for you since they’ve only heard the bad stuff.
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Basically, this isn’t LW’s dad’s business, but she’s made it his by telling him all this stuff unnecessarily.
I couldn’t agree with you more @zombeyonce. My first marriage, I was young and a new mom so every time my husband and I fought, I called mom. That starts painting a very one sided and limited view of your significant other and not in their best interest. I have since learned not only to not include my parents too deeply in my intimate affairs, also co-workers, and even friends. It is hard for someone to like your partner if all you ever do is tell of their bad attributes. I have two friends who have actually spent a lot of time with me and my significant other so if I do need to vent about something related to him I can do so with them and not run the risk of them painting a distorted picture of him since they know him as well, but even still I would never share very personal details and if we fight, I would talk to him instead of my friends (isn’t that how relationships are supposed to work).
Furthermore, Wendy’s advice could not have been more dead on. All I could think was she needs to grow up as I was reading and yup, that is how Ms. Wendy opened up her response. Love it!
NIce, Wendy. I read this like 30 min ago and I am still shaking my head.
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LW, this is…really sad. Sad in that you allowed yourself and your daughter to move in with a man (that you wanted to immediately become stepdad) that you had just become serious/exclusive with. Sad that you are more preoccupied with having a father figure for your daughter than focusing on raising her and supporting the two of you. Sad that (as far as I can tell) you are still with a man who is does not want fit into the “missing piece” of your family that you are so desperate to fill. I use quotes there because I think that you are too determined to find a father figure for your daughter and not determined enough to be, well – enough – on your own.
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Shane isnt the bad guy here. He has the right to decide if he wants to date you, and by extension to be or not be in your daughter’s life. The real issue is you and your decision making. MOA and work on yourself. For you and your daughter’s sake.
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Im sorry if I sound harsh. Bottom line, buck up and support yourself and your daughter. Alone.
I’m guessing your dad was the one who took care of you and your daughter before Shane entered the picture. Now that Shane wants out, your father will end up bearing the burden again. I’m guessing that’s why he saying the things he does.
I’m the one That sent this in…. She said not to make this story lengthy so I tried to be brief.
Well he asked me to move in after two months my hours were cut at work and I almost lost my place if I couldn’t get a second job. I should’ve put that in there I never invited myself or my daughter to move in. I asked him 5 plus times before stepping away from my apartment.
Once I moved in he was the one that suggested I step down a day from full time so I can go to school and I did. Now I can’t work full time and I should’ve not listen to him on that part. Because I knew I was losing $400 a month. But he said that we could do family stuff
So I had my own deal just working, living in my own apartment and had it made for my daughter and I. Also I do focus on my daughter and finding activities like swimming and dancing. My daughter had her own room too.
As for my daughters dad…. He is a dead beat. Yes I have been waiting since 2011 for child care but the rules in this state says I have to wait until they rack up $2500 because suspending his license. Woohoo. Not. He is a con-artist. He doesn’t care that his license is taken away. He doesn’t want to be part of my daughters life and said he will never love her.
As for my dad.
Dad lives in another state.
I had my own place my own job and raised my daughter on her own. I thought he was cute we started dating. I didn’t depend on him. He invited us to move in because I was almost out of money to pay for an apartment. I had other places to go but he didn’t want me to move so far away. So I am not some fucking gold digger cunt that can’t do it on my own. I did and I am back at my moms for a couple weeks trying to save money and get my own place and get a second job.
Another thing I went back to school to get a degree in accounting so I can roll in 30 thousand a year or more. That’s why I didn’t pay much for rent and I did pay for living expenses. I wasn’t a freeloader.
As for the biological dad. He smokes weed he doesn’t have his shit together he told my daughter screaming in her face. Your mom is a cunt twice. And he flipped a table. So that’s it for me I don’t need her around some crazy man yelling things in her face about me I never said and will never say anything about her dad. Because she will figure it out one day on her own. He said he will rather sit in jail for free house and food than pay for his own kid.
“Well he asked me to move in after two months my hours were cut at work and I almost lost my place if I couldn’t get a second job. I should’ve put that in there I never invited myself or my daughter to move in. I asked him 5 plus times before stepping away from my apartment.
Once I moved in he was the one that suggested I step down a day from full time so I can go to school and I did. Now I can’t work full time and I should’ve not listen to him on that part.”
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He asked you to move in. You could have said no. He suggested you cut your hours and go to school. You could have said no. You seem to place an awful lot of blame on someone else, but these are actions that you did not have to agree to. Other people may make suggestions on how to live your life, but you really need to take a proactive role. Stop blaming him for things you had a say in.
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“I had my own place my own job and raised my daughter on her own.”
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That’s wonderful and I hope that is what you are striving for at the moment, once you have enough money to move out of your mother’s place.
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“I thought he was cute we started dating. I didn’t depend on him. He invited us to move in because I was almost out of money to pay for an apartment. I had other places to go but he didn’t want me to move so far away.”
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See my statement above. You are shifting the responsibility of all your decisions onto him. You need to take control of your – and your daughter’s – life. No one forced you to move in with him.
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The reason I am pointing this out is that the way you speak in this comment is incredibly defensive, in that you do not need to depend on someone else. Yet, all the language you use is an attempt to strip you of your responsibilities and blame other people for actions you had equal part in. You are freely and willingly giving up your autonomy. That, to me, reeks of dependency.
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At the end of the day, you have to make the decisions that are best for you and your daughter’s well-being.
I will answer the question you asked. No I don’t think Shane will step up & be what you want him to be for your daughter. Be glad that you only wasted 9-10 months learning this instead of years. Why your Dad was even asked for his opinion I am not sure, but try to focus on regaining your independence now, & taking care of your daughter & putting her first. Move on from Shane & next time you meet someone you are interested in, take it a little slower to make sure you are both on the same page before moving in together.
Thirty thousand a year, you say?? Sweet!! Aim for those stars, OP
Just saw this. Letter Writer, one thing I hope you take away from all of this is not to move in with a man you barely know. I know that life is always risky, but this is especially risky for your kid just from a safety viewpoint.
I think if your mom isn’t crazy or toxic and is generous enough to let you stay with her, you should continue your education.
Your father is mad that this guy won’t step up and be a dad? After a few months? WTH?
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I commented the other day about someone trying to plug their boyfriend into a pre-planned role, and that’s what’s happening here. You date a guy for a couple of months, decide you want to cast him in the role of provider and stepfather, and then he feeds and clothes and houses the two of you, and is the perfect dad for your daughter, and you and your little girl live happily ever after. That’s not the way life works. That’s not the way relationships work.
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You need to a) move out and let this guy have his life (and his money) back. Not that you can’t continue to see him, if you both want to keep dating, but with none of this ‘be a dad or else’ stuff.
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Next, and most importantly…..WWS. I assume your father is supporting you and your daughter, and you need to figure out how you’re going to become independent. You can’t go through life relying on other people to feed you. I hate to be blunt, but you’re not going to find many guys willing to date a woman who expects them to become the provider and caregiver right off the bat.
I kept starting to write a response then deleting it since it always ended up in “what the hell is wrong with you?” You have a four year old girl and you just moved her into some man’s house you knew for three/four months? And then expected him to take care of the two of you – even if he couldn’t afford to and was drawing from his savings? Taking care of your daughter isn’t his job – it’s YOURS. You need to do so much better for her. You need to provide a stable home for her – and that doesn’t mean shacking up with same guy you met three months ago. Work. Make money. Support her. You have to control the interactions she has with male figures in your life so she doesn’t become attached only to have her little heart broken. You need a parenting class or something. How do you not know that your behaviour is damaging to her. Your father is crazy town. Wendy is right – let him support his granddaughter and be the stable male in her life if that is so important to him. Though if he wants to push his daughter and granddaughter off on a relative stranger who has been honest about what he – legitimately – doesn’t want for his life I’m not so sure stable is the right word. I think Joanna is right – The dad is looking to pass the support baton to anyone willing to take it. How sad for your little girl that the adults in her life are so broken. Seriously – do better. All of this? This isn’t about you – it’s about her.
Yup, LW needs to think about the lessons she’s teaching her daughter because right now, she may well be raising another dependent woman.
You don’t mention why your daughter’s real dad isn’t around. If it’s because he chooses not be and not because something happened to him then you need to take him to court to get the support you need for your daughter FROM HER DAD. Not some guy who didn’t help to create her. I’m confused as to why your dad is so worried about a guy whom you’ve known for less than a year being her dad and not her real dad.
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Even if real dad is a deadbeat, take him to court and make him. Not some guy who has been in your daughter’s life for a couple of months. That’s not fair. Any guy you date will have to accept your daughter, but that doesn’t mean that from the get go he should be her step dad. Date him for a couple of months before you even introduce him to her. Have YOUR dad babysit.
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And most importantly put your daughter first. Make her the most important person in your life. Not a guy who isn’t sure he wants kids. That’s something he needs to figure out before he can date someone WITH A KID already.
make him pay*
That edit on its own looks very ominous. MAKE HIM PAY.
Even a couple of months is too soon for me. Six months. It’s what my friends do and it works.
I typed a couple of months, but processed at least 6 months in my head. I think that’s a good solid number.
My first thought: Amen, Wendy!
Yeah, you moved WAY too fast, both of you. I can’t imagine what he was thinking, letting you move in so soon. I can only second what everyone else is saying: slow down and take care of yourself. Men come and go, but you are the only person who is guaranteed to be around your whole life, for you and your daughter. Put her first, then find a man. And make sure he is okay with being a stepdad BEFORE you even consider moving in. And your dad is way out of bounds.
I can’t imagine what he was thinking, letting you move in so soon.
To be fair, I think that the LW might have pressured him into moving into his place so quickly.
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My impression is that, she met this really nice (older) guy who had his own place, probably a pretty decent job, and money in the bank; she thought, ‘he has his shit together. he would be the perfect dad/husband.’ So she set about casting him in the role.
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He being the decent dude that he is, probably thought he could handle what was happening cause after all, he should be ready to settle down and start a family. So it all went along quite nicely until the reality of the situation hit him. Hard. Then he realized that he wasn’t ready to take on a wife and a kid (especially not his kid) and he pushed back on the situation.
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Now she’s trying to figure out not what went wrong but how to keep him in this role as father, husband, and provider or if should she bail so she can find someone else to take on the role. I will not surprised at all, if her father is in fact her step-father. This is probably the same story that her parents played out as she was growing up.
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I am a firm believer in the behaviors we engage in, come from somewhere; most likely from our parents because they have been our models for how we behave in general and in relationships.
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And contrary to what many will think, I am not bashing parents. I know that parents are people too and sometimes they are fallible, fucked-up, and broken but they raise us the best they can with the what they’ve been given. However, we have to take a hard look at the behaviors and actions that we’ve grown up thinking was ‘normal’. /psychobabble 🙂
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You should be taking care of yourself and your daughter, not simply looking for someone to take care of you. Have you ever been independent? You never said you moved out of an apartment or something, so it sounds like you were living at home, got pregnant at 21 by some guy who is gone, continued to live at your dad’s (or parents’), then moved in with a new guy. Do you work? Make money to contribute or cover expenses?
BTW, the math formula that says don’t get serious with someone who is older than you by more years than you are older than 18:
26 -18 = 8 but the guy was 35, or 9 years older than you.
Wrong.
I had my own place. Read above under the name lw. I love people with their little negative Nancy guessing games on how I lived my life before he entered my life.
My dad and mom were married for 20 years never had a step dad.
Always thought I was going to raise my daughter on my own. And to find someone that said they wanted to be a family and someday have kids….
Take care of your daughter yourself. It’s hard. It’s ugly. But moving in with some guy you’ve only known for a few months is not safe for her or for you. You have no idea what someone is really like only after a few months of dating them. You created this little girl, you have to protect her.
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There are TONS of assistance programs for single mothers. See what you qualify for. Go back to school. Get a job. Prove to yourself and your daughter that you have got this and can take care of her and you. Her well-being is more vital than a dad.
Ugh. Exhibit A as the why more people should simply CHOOSE abortion. Far too many are helpless, useless. clueless dolts, who make laughably bad mothers… The odds of this LW ever getting it together are about the same as Madonna taking me to lunch — TODAY…
Tell her Diablo said hi, sorry about going no contact, but we’re definitely over for good this time.
my first reaction here, as a person who does have a step-father and a father in her life, is anger. You are setting your daughter up for a rollercoaster – either with this potential father figure or with future boyfriends you may have.
Why did you move in so quickly?! Was it for financial reasons? Did you need a place to live? Whatever the reason was, you need to move out as quickly as possible and find a stable environment for your daughter. To be blunt, Shane has no responsibility for your daughter and you should not force it upon him nor should your own father. Move out, focus on your daughter’s well being, and in the future take time to get to know someone and let a relationship between that person and your daughter grow organically, and then take the next steps in that relationship. Forcing a father/daughter relationship is detrimental to your child. STOP.
Please take this as a lesson & do not continue to move you & your child in with men you’ve been dating a few months. You are doing a major disservice to your daughter. Children need stability, structure… You are damaging her if you continue at this.
To be honest, Shane doesn’t really owe you or your daughter anything. He’s not your husband & he’s not your baby daddy. Yes, he was unwise in allowing you to move in so quickly, but that’s it. You need to, as Wendy said, stand on your own two feet & create that stable life ON YOUR OWN for your daughter. You need to model for her independence, strength, intelligence… After you’ve done all that, then you can think about bringing in a father figure- someone that will compliment the life you’ve built, not be the whole source- so in the event that things don’t work out- you’ve still got your stability & your daughter won’t be as affected.
Seriously… The fact that so many people these days out their children in these situations is appalling. Can you just put your child first?! And your father is way out of line demaninding this must provide for you. You’ve only known him a few months!!! How the hell are you people justifying this!
As Wendy said, grow up… And think about your daughter before entering another situation like this.
you know what? your daughter probably will say hurtful things to him, because that’s what kids do. and they really know where to hit to hurt the most. all 4 parental figures in my stepson’s life has heard ‘i hate you’ a few times when he was angry, but he doesn’t really mean it.
also, her ‘listening’ to him depends on your relationship with him. in my situation, all parents and step parents are equal. the kids also know to listen to other adults in our circle – ie they don’t get away with misbehaving just because someone else is there. it’s all about how you do it.
it does sound like you guys moved a bit too fast. you have a kid in the mix here, SHE should come first. and that doesn’t mean moving in with someone because you think she needs a father figure. she will be fine until you find the right person for that. don’t rush.
Pretty sure my parents heard a few mean things. We fought a lot in my formative years when I was fighting for my independence. I think it’s something most parents have to deal with at some point or another.
My parents definitely heard mean things. It doesn’t matter if you’re a step-parent or not. If you’re not, they’ll just find something else to yell at you. That’s what kids do when they’re learning independence.
Move out. And don’t move in with anyone again unless you have BOTH agreed that you are in a long-term, committed relationship, AND he agrees to act as a father figure for your daughter. Anything else is going to mess with your daughter. It’s not enough for you to want it, the man has to want it too.
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And agree with what someone else said, that if you can’t support her alone you should be looking to other resources, rather than a boyfriend. The father would be the obvious one. Government programs are the next.
WWS. Shane’s being really honest here. Yes, it was a mistake for him to let the LW and daughter move in so soon, but when he realized it was too big of a commitment, he told her outright. He doesn’t HAVE to be the stepdad to this kid even if she stays in a relationship with him (she just needs to stay in her own apartment and keep the “family time” to a minimum). I agree that the dad was probably the caretaker before and wants the responsibility off his shoulders, but he should be encouraging his daughter to be independent, not to force this guy into being her provider. I think Shane has already made his position clear and if the LW doesn’t get her act together and create some independence, when she DOES give him the ultimatum she’s going to end up alone and depending on Daddy again.
LW, you need to focus on being a mom. Moving your daughter in with a man after 3 months is extremely reckless and that kind of impulsiveness could really put your daughter in danger. I’m glad the guy sounds pretty level headed (well now at least). Slow things down!
In the fuure if you date a guy and he’s suddenly gunning for you and your daughter to move in, beware. Some people prey on single mothers, or are just prone to impulsive relationship decisions which isn’t great to expose your daughter to.
“My dad is mad that Shane won’t step up to the plate and be the dad.” But, he’s not be mad at the biological father of the child for not, er, stepping up to the plate and being the dad?
I haven’t read all the other comments, but I’m guessing they’re all along the same lines. Your biggest problem here isn’t Shane. It’s your father. He needs to get the hell out of your business yesterday. You have already made a shit ton of bad decisions in this relationship, and taking your father’s advice will be just one more to add to the pile. Slow the hell down and mother your daughter. Maybe if you start acting like a responsible adult who puts her daughter first, Shane won’t feel so immensely pressured to be insta-Dad.
The bf and I waited six months before I even spent any serious time with his daughter, and 10 months before I started doing sleepovers with her there. We thought that was a little fast even.
So yes, you moved very fast. So what? Take this opportunity to step back from Shane, find a place for your and your child and focus on parenting. Right now, with all the instability, your baby girl needs things to get even keel.
That said, I think may of you are are being very harsh about *her* father. He’s allowed to have an opinion and it’s fair that he express it, especially if she’s asking his opinion. Besides, he’s RIGHT. If Shane doesn’t want to be a dad, she needs to MOA, because her priority is NOT having a boyfriend, it’s raising her daughter.
I’m surprised people are being so hard on lw’s dad, too. He’s watched is grandkid move in and get attached to someone who gave her a taste of normalcy and security for six months. Then “someone” backs out and say’s he can’t do it but he still wants to date mom. Mom agrees. Grandpa probably would think mom’s blind and shouldn’t waste her time with someone who doesn’t want to step-parent his grandkid.
BTW- I totally agree with Wendy and everyone else that this letter writer needs to stop warp-speeding through relationships and find a way to take care of herself. I think her boyfriend came to his senses, but had pretty poor judgement in all this.
When I was 4, my young mom married a man so that I would have a father figure. I hated that man ad begged my mom to leave him for 8 years.
I get that being a single mom can be scary and at time, lonely. But there is no greater gift you can give your daughter than a stable home and a strong mother that she can depend on. My happiest memories are when it was just me and my mom in a very cozy little apartment with a garden in the backyard.
To LW,
I really think you should consider the comments here and what Wendy had to said. Now of course none of us could ever fully know everything you have experienced in your life up until now and even if you write another lengthy post, no one knows your life experience but you. So from a very nonjudgmental standpoint I want to answer your questions in MY honest opinion:
“What do you think? Do you think Shane will ever step up to the plate and be a role model/father figure?”
I think you need to do what is best for you AND your daughter; not just what’s best for “her” or what you perceive to be best, which sounds like you think that is to provide a step-dad for her. The best thing for both of you imho is a stable home. I’m sure you agree. So that means it doesn’t have to include Shane and I think saving money and getting a place you and your daughter can afford is the best course of action. As far as Shane stepping up… who knows? But for the time being he IS NOT so factor him out of the equation and keep moving forward.
You said: “I know it was rushed. But he took care of us for 4-6 months and then just stopped.”
STOP. Just stop. Now is the time for YOU to take care of “us”, you and your daughter. You stated you were on your own before — working and taking care of your child. Ok, DO IT AGAIN. It is your responsibility as a mother to that child.
“He also doesn’t tell me he loves me first. I’ll say it and he will say it back. — Looking for a Step-dad”
He doesn’t tell me he loves me??? Come on LW.. Stop looking for a step-dad and just focus on being an awesome mom.
I sincerely wish you the best hon. Bless.