“My Boyfriend Won’t Let Me Go on Vacation with My Family”
We used to constantly fight because he wouldn’t want me to go shopping or anywhere else with my mom and sister, or go anywhere alone. He works all morning, he gets home around 4:30 p.m., and, if he didn’t find me at home when he got there, he would be mad. Also, if he had to work on Saturdays and my family would invite me to go to the beach, he would throw a fit and we would have a fight, so I just wouldn’t go at all. He usually tells me I can go out with my mom or sister while he’s at work, but he says he will want to come home and have me “be home waiting for him.” Sometimes, I would get home a few minutes after he was home from work and he would ignore me and just be mad, so I tried to make him happy and get home before he did–but then he would still be mad, saying I have no business going out “all the time.”
On one occasion last year I was about four months pregnant when my mother and sister were going to Mexico for a week and I had my own money to buy a ticket. But we fought about it for over two weeks before I left because he “was scared something would happen” and I would leave him alone and he would miss me. But I still went. The day I left he came home early from work, he took me out, and we had a great time. But when it was time for me to leave, his mood changed — he didn’t even want to go say bye to me at the bus station, and he didn’t help me carry my luggage to the car.
Now, in May, my parents and sister are going to Mexico again. They said they would pay for my ticket, and I would really like to go for my cousin’s wedding and go to the beach, but last time he told me that if I went out of the country again, he wouldn’t be here when I came back. The problem is that he can’t travel out of the country…and also I have a son with him. I don’t know what to do. It would only be for a week. Should I go and enjoy my mini-vacation or stay home? — Not Allowed to Have Fun Without Him
You’re wrong about something — the problem isn’t that your boyfriend can’t leave the country; the problem is that is he’s super-controlling and borderline abusive. And if you didn’t have a son together, my advice to you would be to go to Mexico with your parents and praise the high heavens if your boyfriend was gone when you got back because a man like that is bad news. Real bad news. I’d tell you to leave all his crap out in your yard, change the locks, get a job, and find your independence again.
But… you have a son together and that changes things a little. For one thing, you may not be able to take your son to Mexico without his father’s permission. In most cases, you need notarized permission from the other parent or guardian to take a minor out of the country (you should research to see if this applies to travel to Mexico from the US). And if your boyfriend doesn’t want you leaving the country, I can’t imagine he’s going to give you his blessing to take your son. If he does or if you’re able to take your son to Mexico without his father’s written consent, then great! My advice stands — go away, come home, and start a new life without this controlling man. Stay with your family until you get your feet on the ground.
If your boyfriend refuses to give you permission to take your son to Mexico, you can’t very well leave your son alone with your boyfriend if your boyfriend is telling you he won’t be home when you get back. That could be an empty threat, sure, but why risk it when your kid’s welfare is at stake? Who knows where your boyfriend would take your son or what he’d do with him. I mean, beaches and weddings in Mexico are nice and all, but they aren’t worth your son’s well-being. So, in that case, my advice to you is to tell your boyfriend YOU are leaving HIM because the way you think he loves you isn’t what real love looks like. Real love doesn’t keep you home all day waiting for him to get back from work. Real love doesn’t keep you from enjoying a day at the beach with your family while he’s at work. Real love doesn’t manipulate you with a nice dinner out in hopes of keeping you from going on vacation. And real love sure as shit doesn’t expect a woman who’s months pregnant with his baby to carry her own luggage to the bus. Fuck that. That is NOT real love.
Please, for your sake as well as your son’s, get away from this man. Or, at the very, very least, insist on seeing a family therapist together because this isn’t any way to live. Tell him you’re tired of his trying to control you. Find a job and make your own money so that you aren’t so dependent on him. Work when he is home and can watch your son. Or, better yet, leave your son with your mother or sister or another trusted family member or friend. See a family attorney about child custody and child support. If the reason your boyfriend can’t leave the country is because he’s undocumented or is on parole, discuss that with a lawyer. You need to protect yourself and protect your son. You cannot count on your boyfriend to take care of you. He’s only interested in one person here and that’s himself; he doesn’t care whom he hurts trying to get what he wants (or trying to keep people he “loves” from getting what they want).
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Wendy is right, this is incredibly abusive behaviour on his part.
This is sad. LW, I also advise that you get a job for yourself so you have some of your own income. Should this get to a point where you need leave him, you want to have everything in order. You don’t want to be in a situation where you’re solely relying on him for your income.
OMG this makes me sad on so many levels. First of all, the vacation in Mexico is clearly not the main problem here. It’s just a symptom of a generally bad and abusive situation. I think you should immediately talk to a lawyer about what’s likely to happen regarding custody if you leave your bf. Maybe you can gain sole custody of your son (if you don’t already have it.) Do you have any friends or family in your area who could take you and your son in temporarily while you figure things out? If so, this could be a first step for getting out.
LW, I am so sad for you. That is NOT how a loving boyfriend treats you. Nobody deserves to walk on eggshells for their entire life.
Definitely do what Wendy says/research your claims to sole custody. I would also look into birth control (If you aren’t already on it). This would be the worst possible time to have a second child and strengthen his hold on you.
Exactly. A truly caring boyfriend would want you to spend time with your family, not alienate you from them. He sounds extremely controlling – emotionally punishing you for not staying home all day while he’s at work is a serious red flag.
LW – please talk to a lawyer. Get all your ducks in a row. And then leave. Because I don’t think it’s a matter of “if” it will escalate. It’s just a matter of when.
WWS. He’s controlling and manipulative, and not someone you should want to be around. Also, a he’s a horrible role model for your son.
Isn’t keeping you from your family one of the top 5 examples of an abusive person?
I wouldn’t go to Mexico. Maybe your parents can help you financially/or let you live with them since they would have paid for your ticket while you move out and get back on your feet, and get a job. Plus I think you should really focus on getting out now and then take a vacation once things are settled. And if you are still thinking of traveling, I would really look up the laws like Wendy said. One of our friends has sole custody of his daughter because his now ex took their child across state lines without permission. And she’s not a bad person. It’s not worth the risk for you, in my opinion.
You deserve better. I think you realize that but are stuck. Tell someone what’s going on, ask for help, and get out now before he has more control over you.
Meet with an attorney and file a parenting plan. Move in with your family or friends. Do not remain in this relationship.
So, if I’m doing the math and understanding correctly, the LW and her boyfriend were only “together” about 4 months when she got pregnant. It seems to me that things moved very quickly in their relationship, despite knowing each other for several years before that. Poor decisions and little to no planning have put her in a very bad situation very quickly. LW, you need to figure out your custody options, find a way to support yourself and your child (perhaps your family can help out until you get on your feet), and get away from this toxic man.
You may have a son together, but at least he is just your boyfriend and not your husband. It will be far easier to leave him that way. Do research, strengthen your family ties, just make a plan and GTFO. It will only get worse. That is not true, real love. He sounds like a real douchebag.
What the actual fuck. LW, please take Wendy’s advice and leave this man. This is absolutely not the way you want your son to grow up. He will think this is the way to treat women, the way to treat you and his future girlfriends. Also kids need socialization and the freedom to explore their world without fucked up rules about being home before daddy. If not for yourself then please leave for your son.
The saddest part of this letter to me is she’s just concerned about not going to Mexico. She seems resigned to the rest of the situation (“we used to fight”, leading me to think that she’s given up). Mexico is not the issue here.
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LW – It’s a good thing for you to take your son out into the world. As a stay-at-home mom, you have an awesome opportunity to expose your son to all sorts of wonderful things, including his grandparents and other extended family members. Please don’t let your boyfriend take the term ‘stay-at-home’ literally. It’s not healthy for you or your son to stay home all day. Continue to take him to the beach, take him to the park, expose him to new experiences.
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It’s in your and your son’s best interest to leave this controlling man. However, if you don’t have the courage to leave him, at least have the courage to be assertive and continue to live your lives outside the home.
Please leave. It is not going to get better unless you do. This man does not love you. He thinks he owns you. Take your son and move in with someone else. Then get a job and learn to support yourself. Then, get a lawyer and make sure your [ex] boyfriend lives up to his obligations with regard to your son. There are legal aid places that will help you for little or no money.
LW, WWS!
It sounds like you have a loving, supportive family. This is the time you need to lean on them. Leave your boyfriend. Move in with your parents. Get a job. And make a real life for yourself and your son.
I would not go to Mexico right now (unless you can take your son). If you can’t, concentrate on getting out of this situation. This really is abuse. Maybe not physical abuse, but it’s sure as hell emotional abuse, which is just as bad, if not worse.
Your situation sucks. Think of you and your son. And concentrate on you so you don’t find yourself repeating this pattern. I think a counselor would be a good idea.
Forget about Mexico for now, and plan your escape. First, meet with a family attorney and set up a plan for your son’s care. Then you need to gather money, important documents, and some personal belongings and hide them at the house of someone trusted. Go to a safe place. This is a clear case of domestic abuse, and if it hasn’t gotten physical yet, it will. It’s well-documented that the most dangerous time for a woman in such a relationship is when she tries to leave. This is why you need to be prepared to leave quickly and without notice. And, for your son’s sake, you need to have already consulted (secretly) with a lawyer so there is a plan for custody proceedings. Just be safe. (I know it might seem hard to imagine that he could hurt you, but he’s been displaying such classic signs that you can’t afford to ignore the possibility.)
she must define the word “caring” very differently than I do….
LW, you need to leave. This is abusive behavior and it almost always escalates. My 1st husband hated me going anywhere without him, including to work. I had to constantly reassure him that I wasn’t cheating on him while I was at work. We’d get into fights if I wanted to go anywhere with family or friends, to the point that I stopped talking to the majority of my support while we were together. It took me a very long time to get my relationships back in order once I finally left.
It is going to get worse before it gets better. Mine got physical when I finally had enough and demanded a divorce. You need to realize that your boyfriend is capable of more than he has done so far.
Forget about Mexico and work on your exit strategy. Where you will live, daycare, prospective jobs, etc. Speak with an attorney as soon as possible so you can be the one to file for custody as soon as you leave. FULL custody. He’s already threatened to “not be there” when you get back from Mexico, which means he would have every intention of taking your son with him. That should be counted as a viable threat.
Good luck.
In all likelihood, a family therapist would not meet with this family because of the abuse factor. LW, seek therapy for yourself, but first find an advocate who will help you leave this man and keep you and your child safe. The national DV hotline is a good place to start: http://www.thehotline.org/
Be careful and be safe.
I’m not sure why you had a baby with this man or even dated him as long as you did before having said baby. Unfortunately, you made a poor decision that cannot be taken back. All I can say is Get. Out. Now. This guy is an abusive prick. Are you really okay succumbing to his phsycotic demands for the rest of your life? Is that what you want to model for your son? Is this the environment you want to raise a child in? For God’s sake think about your son first!! Put him first. Get out now!!
WWS. And also I think we need to be sensitive to the probability that there could be quite a cultural issue going on here. I am going to hazard a guess that LW and her boyfriend are Mexican/Hispanic, where there is a very strongly entrenched culture of Catholicism, where little to no birth control is used, women have children (and several) very young and are considered a failure if they get divorced or leave their partner (can Catholics even divorce?) There is also a strong machismo culture and a strong division of labor between the sexes. I am not saying this is right, but it may not be a simple thing for her to decide to leave the relationship, if he is not, for instance, hitting her. While I would love to see LW leave her controlling boyfriend and get a job and go to college and become a neurosurgeon, this may not be possible. Especially if they both have not been “Americanized”. It sounds like, if anything, her family is more “Americanized” than she herself is because of her boyfriend’s influence. I strongly agree that anyone who tries to isolate their partner from family is a red flag for abuse.
What everyone else said though I know you won’t take the advice until the light bulb finally goes on in your head. I know, from experience, that you think this is the way relationships are supposed to go and you seemingly have resigned yourself to it a little. But all is not lost. You still have some contact with family. I hope they are still there for you when you do decide this is not the way to live your life.
I was once in a very similar situation as you find yourself. When I was 19 and 9 months pregnant and IN LABOR, my then boyfriend made me drive myself to the hospital while he was in the passenger seat….did you miss that…I was IN LABOR! I never told anyone because it was humiliating. So this man only ever hit me once but emotionally abused me for a very long time. Just because it isn’t physical doesn’t mean it isn’t abuse!
I finally got my act together and left him. I have now been married 15 years to the most wonderful man. I hope for your child’s sake you don’t make any more excuses to yourself and/or family about why he is the way he is….I hope for your child you get out soon enough that he isn’t damaged for life. Even small children/babies pick up these kind of emotions so please don’t hesitate.
Get your affairs in order and leave. Forget about mexico for now and send your cousin a card.
LW, why wasn’t your boyfriend invited on vacation with your family? Why didn’t he want to go? Even if he wasn’t able to go for financial / work reasons, I would have expected that the father of your baby would probably to be invited on a family vacation (even if he’s expected to pay his own way). Was he? If not, do you know why not? have your family members ever talked to you about your boyfriend or given you advice about leaving him? If so, I’d rely on them for help and listen to their advice!! If you haven’t really talked to them about it yet, I might try to open up if you’re especially close with someone in particular! Find an advocate and try to make a plan to leave. You can do it!
He doesn’t care about you.
He’s a controlling abuser who’s isolating you from fun life experience, and your family.
He’s also verbally abusing you into submission so that you can’t so much as go out without him when he’s not at work .
He’s forcing you to centre him. Tell him to gtfo of your life and don’t look back.