“My Boyfriend’s Father is Sexist”
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about three months now and we recently met each other’s families. I really like his brothers, but his father has been getting on my nerves. I was offended once when he started talking about how firefighters are brainwashed to take an ax to the door every time they get a call, even if it’s not necessary. I don’t think he realized that both my grandfathers were firefighters and my father currently is a lieutenant in the fire department. I tried to not get offended by his statements, but we were in the car for a long drive, and I really didn’t want to sit there and listen to anyone talk badly about my father’s job. I respectfully told him my opinions, but I don’t think he really listened.
I also realized that he has a tendency to make remarks that are demeaning to women. He walked into the living room and asked how I was at sewing. I told him that I wasn’t that great at it and he said that he needed a button sewed onto his pants. My boyfriend said, “Dad, I know how to sew,” and his father replied that sewing is women’s work. The next time I was at their house he asked me if I could help his son clean up the house. I told him that I’m a pretty messy person (which is actually true) and he remarked, “Oh, that’s a shame,” but dropped it. He’s made a few jokes that present women in a negative light and I find them very unfunny. (I don’t laugh when he makes them, so as not to encourage them).
I know my boyfriend really values his father’s opinions and respects him, but I really am getting sick of all the rude things his father says. Should I ask my boyfriend to talk to his father about it when I’m not around, or should I say something the next time the problem arises? What stopped me before was that his father told me from the beginning that I’m going to have to get used to his jokes. I don’t want to look like I don’t respect him, but at this point I feel like he’s not respecting me. I’ve always heard that when you get involved with someone, you get involved with their family as well and I would really like to be able to go to my boyfriend’s house and not dread running into his father. — Father Doesn’t Know Best
Wouldn’t it be nice if we lived in a world where we were guaranteed to like and get along with everyone in our significant others’ lives? Unfortunately, that’s not the way the world works and for most of us there are going to be people who are close to our loved ones who make our skin crawl. It’s bad enough when those people are friends of our significant others, but when it’s a close family member, that creates a dynamic that can be a real buzzkill to a budding relationship. Fortunately, FDKB, you have a choice here. You can let your boyfriend’s father get under your skin and slowly destroy the relationship you have with his son, or you can decide to ignore him and try to limit your interaction with him as much as possible.
What you need to understand is that your boyfriend’s father knows he’s obnoxious. People like him live for ruffling feathers, and new blood — like you are right now — is exactly the kind of audience that invigorates them to dust off all their lame old jokes and “radical” remarks. And as long as you give them a reaction, they’ll keep it up, because a reaction — any kind of reaction — is just what they’re after. So, if you want him to cut it out, don’t engage him. Do not feed the beast. Give him a blank look the next time he makes one of his “jokes.” Shrug off any radical remark he makes and change the topic. And do not ask your boyfriend to talk to his dad on your behalf. If your boyfriend had the power to change his father’s behavior, he would have done so a long time ago. The only thing talking to your boyfriend about his dumb dad will do is embarrass him further and put him in an awkward position of defending his dad’s lame behavior.
Look, it’s true that when you get involved with someone you get involved with his family … to an extent. But there’s no reason you have to spend every minute with that family. You don’t even need to spend a lot of time with them. You’ve only been dating your boyfriend three months, after all. Quit going over to his house where you know you’ll have to deal with his father, and spend more of your time at your home or out on dates, or hanging out with friends who don’t push your buttons. If things progress with your boyfriend to the point where you simply can’t avoid his father, learn to manage your expectations and accept that he will never be the kind of person you would actively choose to have in your life on your own. We don’t get to choose our own families and we definitely don’t get to choose our significant others’ families, so learn to let go, grow a thicker skin, and quit giving him the kind of reaction that keeps him coming back for more. With luck, he’ll eventually grow bored with your stone face and quit trying so desperately to tick you off.
*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at [email protected].
I agree with Wendy’s advice, but it’s likely that her boyfriend’s father will always make sexist comments to some degree because he’s…sexist. He is likely pushing her buttons a bit more now, and it’s probably to see how she’ll handle things. While ignoring the comments will curb his behavior to an extent, I think he’ll continue to make off hand sexist comments around her.
What is very important is that the LW’s boyfriend doesn’t share those same sexist views. From some of the examples, it doesn’t sound like he does, but given how she says her boyfriend “really values his father’s opinions and respects him”, it makes me wonder. Sometimes those sexist views on gender roles aren’t evident in a new relationship as both people are on “their best behavior”, but if her boyfriend does share them, they will become evident as the relationship continues.
I 100% agree! How awesome that your boyfriend hasn’t picked up any of that bad behavior. People like this definitely talk this way on purpose to ruffle feathers. When he really pisses you off, try to think of it from his perspective (hear me out). Everyone needs a certain amount of attention, and we all have our tried-and-true ways of getting it. Some people get it by being funny and outgoing, some people get it by being kind or giving a compliment or offering to help, and some people get it by saying outrageous things. It’s like toddlers who throw tantrums to get their negligent parents’ attention: Negative attention is better than no attention at all. Think how sad it must be to feel like the only way you can get someone’s attention is to annoy the crap out of them. Think about how a lot of the attention he gets is negative, and how many hateful things he hears back to him because the only way he knows how to get attention is to be chauvinistic. Hold onto that pity when he’s pushing your buttons. If you can find empathy for him, you can see that it’s less about you and more about his terrible way of getting his needs met. Give him the blank stare when he’s annoying, and when he says something that is actually interesting or neutral, ask him more about it. And avoid him whenever possible!
That is great advice! I also think it’s helpful to try to think of him as fodder for entertainment value– not because his jokes are funny (they so aren’t), but because later you can entertain YOUR friends and family with the story of, “Oh my GOD you’ll never guess what his crazy dad said this time!” I have a co-worker whose personality would drive me batshit crazy, except that every time he does something mindnumbingly obnoxious, I’ve trained myself to to look forward to sharing the entertaining story with people who will laugh at the folly of fools.
except, obviously, your boyfriend should certainly NOT be one of your storytelling audience!
As Wendy said, neither you nor your boyfriend can change your boyfriend’s dad. You can only control yourself. I think it is fine to tell your boyfriend that sometimes his dad’s comments make you uncomfortable or annoyed. Communication is vital to every relationship so you may as well start talking now and it would be ackward to limit your time with his dad with no explanation. Maybe even agree to leave within a set amount of time after a rude remark, say fifteen minutes.
I suggest limiting the time you spend around his dad because no one needs constant tension. There are also two positive, proactive things you can do. One is to ask your boyfriend to help you change the subject when his dad is talking rudely. The second is to try to develop a rapport with his dad by finding something positive to say to him. Find out what matters to him and talk about it. If he is proud of his perfect lawn compliment him about it. If he loves a sports team say something about them. You can often take a relationship in the direction you wish by your own actions. Your boyfriend could also help with this. Don’t be surprised if you make a comment about the lawn or the team and his dad replies with a put down about women. That’s his style. Just keep trying and see if change occurs.
I have several family members who might be described as “difficult,” so this letter strikes a chord with me. I agree that talking to the boyfriend is a good idea – not to enlist him for help combating his dad, but simply to keep him in the loop about the LW’s feelings. If the boyfriend understands the situation, he’ll also understand if the LW wants to limit time spent with the dad, which I highly recommend. And the BF’s reaction will be telling as to whether he is likely to fall into a similar behavior pattern as his dad in the future. He should be able to show some sympathy/empathy. Fortunately, many kids of “difficult” people do break the pattern, and the BF seems to be very different from his dad, which is great.
People who act like this – bullies – do it for reasons that have nothing to do with the target, so the target is powerless to change the bully’s behavior. Trying to say or do positive things to please him will not work, and falling into that trap will probably just make the LW feel worse as she sees her efforts to “make nice” to the dad fail every time. It may also just embolden him to act worse, who knows. All the LW can do is change HER behavior, which in this case, means removing herself from the situation as much as is reasonable. Obviously she’ll still have to deal with him, but she can and should put limits on time spent with him to protect her own feelings. This is especially the case because his comments aren’t just about women in general, but are directed at her and making her feel bad (comments about how she personally should be sewing and cleaning, for instance). They’re put-downs, not just annoying observations about the world.
I also wonder where the mom is in this picture. Was there a divorce, or some reason why the dad might be bitter toward women? That doesn’t justify his behavior, but may help the LW in depersonalizing it, and eventually pitying the dad.
If she makes the effort to build rapport and it fails then at least she tried. It is something that she would do for her boyfriend rather than for herself. If she tried and failed her boyfriend would appreciate the effort and know that she had tried. If she made the effort and it succeeded then they would all get along much better. Either way, she loses nothing by making the effort.
I agree that if he is just trying to bully he won’t change because that’s the way he likes to behave. There are a lot of guys, and women too, who believe that women are inherently better at cooking, sewing and cleaning than men. Probably his very favorite women in the world, like his mom and his grandmothers were great at these things and he assumes that women just know this stuff. He is also insulting to his own son by infering that his son can’t do these things well or would need help from the LW to do them. I see him as a relic from a previous generation. They are going extinct but they still exist.
Rosalee – I was wondering the same thing about the wife/mother, especially since he wanted his son’s GF to clean and sew a button, not typical if there is another woman in the house. I wondered if maybe he is just rusty around new women if he is divorced he could also be bitter and feel that women should work at home. He might think he is being funny and charming instead it is obnoxious. Also depending on how old the guy is 50s? 60s? and the job he has he might have a distorted sense of women’s participation in the workforce and role outside of the home. Some occupations (mostly union blue collar) are still the boys club.
I agree with Wendy when it comes to not engaging him, because bullies (and the LW’s dad certainly seems to be a bit bullyish) live for reactions. However, I also understand how difficult it can be to stay completely silent and strong when someone is saying things that REALLY bother you and piss you off. I have a hot tempter, and I know that even if I limited going over to the BF’s house and avoided the father as much as possible, I would still be itching to say SOMETHING.
If you find yourself in that kind of situation, LW – where you feel you can’t go on living until you say SOMETHING to him – don’t fight fire with fire. Being angry or snappy will only egg him on more. The kind of demeaning remarks he makes are best addressed with humor from you. If you must say something, then make light of the joke he just made, or laugh it off and change the subject. He’ll probably stop to some degree when he realizes he can’t get to you – and silence may make him think he IS getting to you. Laughing at him and acting as if it doesn’t phase you may get you much farther.
This man is why everyone should work in customer service positions for a while.
Ugh. Agreed.
I actually know someone similar to this and while I think Wendy was on the right track… I don’t 100% agree that he *knows* he is obnoxious. It’s true that most of the time these comments are made to get a response. My experience, however limited it may be, has been that it isn’t just to create a negative response though. Sometimes people think you should agree with them, and therefore show them praise for being so clever and quick witted. I can honestly say that most of the time people are unaware of how obnoxious they can be.
Other than that though… Wendy is totally right about learning to manage your expectations though. Strong personalities like his do not change and it’s best to be the bigger person and try to make the best of the situation, even when you both know it’s annoying.
I dont think you can tell that your boyfriend isn’t like his dad after only 3 months. People are still on their best behavior until about 6 -8 months of the relationship.
My ex’s dad was like this. The first thing he said to me when I met him was, “so… whats made you decide to cling to my son?” My boyfriend pursued ME by the way. He was always “teasing” me in a rude way, and others (making waitresses uncomfortable, asking checkout people “their future plans”) and coming up with crazy get rich quick schemes and trying to get me to put him in contact my parents friends/my friends parents so they could “talk business.” My ex was like, “Oh, i”m sorry, I know my dads an ass…” but he was always calling him, asking for advice, etc.
Anyway, after about 8 mnths/ a year into the relationship he started acting JUST LIKE HIS DAD. In sooo many ways… from the rude/uncomfortable teasing of waitresses, to trying to get something out of everyone, being super cheap…
So just to warn you, sons often do turn out like their fathers. I’m not saying your boyfriend is like his dad, but I can definitely say you won’t be able to tell after only 3 months.
Agreed – but it’s not just sons that can turn out like their fathers. Any child can turn out like either one of their parents. And you’re right, 3 months is probably too soon to know that he definitively ISN’T like his dad.
What I found most striking is he considered sewing of all things “women’s work.” In the Marines (and other armed service branches, I assume) one’s uniform has to always be impeccably so pretty much everyone can sew a button or do other minor repairs. I would say I’d be interested to know if he has a problem with combat veterans repairing their uniforms but since he has a chip on his shoulder about firefighters (another decidedly “macho” profession) it sounds like it all stems from insecurity about his masculinity in the first place.
My boyfriend’s dad (I’ll call him Mr. P) is older (72, which I’m calling “older” because my boyfriend is only 21), and he and his friends send around racist, sexist, and homophobic jokes. Mr. P insists on reading them aloud, and when my boyfriend and I don’t laugh and tell him the jokes aren’t funny, he says “No! It is funny!” and explains the jokes. It is incredibly uncomfortable, especially since my boyfriend and I both consider ourselves feminists and allies (also, not racist!). We do our best to explain to him what’s wrong with his jokes, but he’s not interested in learning or changing his ways. You can try to “educate” this man about why his sexist attitudes are unacceptable, but, honestly, it will probably just be frustrating.
I don’t see my boyfriend’s father much–he lives in another country–and I don’t really know how I’d deal with him if I had to see him all the time. He’s perfectly nice and very generous otherwise, but the things he says are really aggravating. I’d probably leave the room whenever he makes offensive comments, or find someone else to talk to at family functions and avoid him as much as possible. If you get into arguments with him, you’ll only upset your boyfriend and put stress on your relationship.
My f-in-law was exactly like this. Growing up in Texas he had a lot of opinions that we up here in New Hampshire found bizarre. I learned early on that when I replied to his rants, it only egged him on. I came to realize two things, a) he got his jollies pissing me off and b) he was jealous of my place in his son’s life. It all came to a halt when I changed my reply to a chuckle, and said things along the line of “you’re so cute, you remind me of my grandpa, that’s something he would have said when he was alive”. Being compared to an old dead man stopped him in his tracks.
Awesome!
I nominate this Comment of the Week!!!
If you have to spend time with your boyfriend’s father, maybe it might help to have your own means of transportation. If it gets too bad, leave. Politely, respectfully, and without any big huff, so you’re not fueling the fire, but if you can do so without making a scene (obviously not at dinner or mid-birthday cake cutting), it might help. If the dad says something about it, tell him very calmly you don’t feel like you should have to put up with people who regularly insult anyone of your gender and therefore you, but you didn’t feel it was right to be disrespectful, so you handled it the eat way you know how.
My dad had a brief transformation a few years ago into “angry old white dude” and started making comments that he didn’t think were racist or sexist or classist but I sure did. And initially I tried to explain, but it turned into screaming matches about immigration and poverty. So finally, I started refusing to engage, which also made him angry, so I started finally excusing myself as politely as I could. And my mom – who never really challenged my dad before – finally started telling him to keep his mouth shut because she was tired of losing time with me. You don’t have to be rude, and you don’t have to make a big dramatic display, but you can still be clear that his behavior is unacceptable without drama.
I completely understand. My boyfriend’s dad has little to no respect for women. Every time we go visit him he has a new “girlfriend” & starts talking about how they’re “freaks” & give great “b/j’s”. He’s never been committed to any woman (not even my bf’s mom who was his wife at one point). Also, when we visit him he always makes comments like “Wow, you guys are STILL together?” (We’ve been together for 2 1/2 yrs) like it’s so ludicrous that my bf is in a stable, committed relationship.
Thankfully, we don’t see him often, maybe 2-3 times per year, but when I do have to visit him, I feel very uncomfortable. I’ve never told me bf anything bc I’m afraid to hurt his feelings. He knows how his dad is & has even commented to me “I’ll never be like my dad.” & he def is not.
His friends are pretty much the same & unfortunately I have to endure them a lot more than his dad. We’ve gotten into fights about his friends but unfortunately he values his friends more than his family bc they’ve been there more than his family, but he’s also aware that his friends are not the greatest civilians. At this point, I just endure it, as long as he remains who he is & is not influenced by any of them, it’s ok with me. & that has been the case so far.
I seem to have a different perspective on this article. I had a Grandmother who was racist/sexist and it increased as she got older. As she got older, she didn’t censor herself as much as she used too. She grew up in a different time (1930’s) when women were the homemakers and felt that some duties in the household were the responsibility of women. I just had to realize that she was taught different views and that sometimes it was easier to ignore her comments than it was to try and tell her how she was wrong. My Mother and her siblings share some of the same views and I’m sure I’ll be having the same situation all over again as my Mother ages. Thankfully, my brother and I don’t agree with everything that we were raised to believe.
I think that the LW is reading too much into her bf’s fathers comments and now that she doesn’t like him, she’s finding more reasons/excuses to not like him. My suggestion is to realize that his views aren’t going to change and his son will probably have some of the same views. Since this is a new relationship, you’re going to have to decide if this is something that you’re willing to put up with long term.
LW, may the force be with you! My boyfriend’s parents are extremely conservative and pretty racist/anti-immigrant, and there have been some very uncomfortable moments around that dinner table, given that I’m an immigrant myself (but I fit the ‘race/religion/language’ group they’re from so they don’t see me as an immigrant). Honestly the only thing you can do it just not engage it. Sometimes its a person wanting attention, but with my BF’s family, it’s just how they discuss politics and social life. Even a conversation about work turns into some derogatory comments. I used to engage in debates with them to get them to realize how wrong they were, but they ended up repeating the same arguments the next day and I’m at the point where the only person I can expect to listen to me is my BF and he’s the only one that matters. Limit the time you spend around them, and practice the art of changing the subject.
There are always going to be people who have prejudiced views in some fashion that get their kicks making people upset. Unfortunately, this is just a fact of life, and there’s not a whole lot you can do to change them. But like Wendy said, you CAN change how it affects you and how you react to it.
I have an aunt that as much as I love her, it makes me wonder how on earth she and my dad are siblings because she says some pretty racist/inappropriate things that my dad never would. For instance, a couple months ago my husband and I were watching TV with her at her house, and we were watching a show about home improvements. The homeowner was an older Asian woman, and the host was presenting her with 2 options for fixing something in the house, the first of which cost less money up front but would’ve been less of a value as time went on and the second was vice-versa. Before this woman gave the host her decision, my aunt goes, “How much you wanna bet the old, cheap Asian goes for the first choice?” (The woman went with the second option, BTW.) My husband and I refused to engage my aunt in this behavior, and I just said, “Ooooookay” in a disapproving way. She dropped her racist comments for the remainder of the time we were there. This is the same aunt that once told me my mom only got pregnant with me to keep my dad around, who refuses to friend my sister on FB because she’s “too much like [our] mom”, makes all sorts of ugly comments about other races (despite the fact that her son’s biracial), and loves to pass around xenophobic/”patriotic” emails and FB posts full of stuff that’s been debunked on Snopes.com. (In fact, it’s to the point that whenever she sends me a chain email with stuff like that, I’ll hit “reply all” with a link to the Snopes post proving it’s false so everyone she sent it to can see it. You’d think that’d get her to stop, but it doesn’t.) It’s frustrating trying to deal with her when she gets this way, to say the least. When she doesn’t act like this, she’s perfectly fine to be around, so I try to keep her away from any topics that might set her off. Other than that, there’s not a whole lot else I can do, because she’s so set in her ways by now that any attempt at showing her an alternate side of things just provokes her more. 🙁
I am amazed that you choose to continue having a relationship with this woman.
Family is family. My Grandpa is just like how Anne’s aunt seems. He has good qualities too, and he loves us. We can’t just abandon him because he says all kinds of crazy shit. BTW, Anne, My grandpa sends me those emails too! To my WORK email! I set up a filter on my Outlook to automatically delete anything from him that contains the words “Democrat,” “Obama,” “Pelosi,” or “Liberal.” (He also sends me cute kitty and doggy pictures, so I don’t want to delete all of his emails).
If you are going to consider having a long-term relationship with someone then you need to consider their family as part of your significant other. Your significant other may be great, but if you are dating someone with the intention of getting married, then you are marrying their family as well. Getting along with someone’s family is as important as getting along with that person, especially if they are close with their family or see them often. Having difficulties will only create problems down the road.
I would take the other’s reader’s comments and see how things are turning out in a couple of months. 3 months isn’t a long time to date, so you don’t TRUELY know the kind of man you are dating yet. Until then, limit interaction with the father and ignore his jokes. Wear headphones if necessary on long car rides.
I’d probably say something like, “Well, maybe if you weren’t stuck in this small town your whole life you’d think differently!”
But then again, biting my tongue and keeping the peace have never been my strong points 😉
I definitely agree with this. I’d like to suggest something that I did that helped me out a lot.
My bf’s dad tends to be racist,sexist and a few other things sometimes. When I first got to know him, it really bothered me. And during the first moments of my relationship with my SO, one thing I struggled with was having a good relationship with his dad. He is very close to him, so I knew it meant a lot for him for us to get along. His dad used to make comments that made me think he would never approve of us being together. Boy was I wrong. Mr. P is someone I have grown to love and highly respect. I may not agree with things he has to say, but he is still a good person and is very good to me.
Mr. P is one of the most interesting guys I know. The things he has done are pretty amazing. I found the good stuff about him and I focus on it. When we talk, I ask him about his experiences with his jobs (he worked for NASA and a few other cool things). I have found things that we mutually like to have conversations about. Even if it’s little stuff like cats and cookies, but it makes a difference. Now when he makes remarks I don’t appreciate, it’s easier to let it go.
I don’t see him too often anyway. But he is so nice to me when I see him. He knows that we have very opposite views on things, but he doesn’t mind anymore.
So hopefully this is something that can help. Good Luck!
Or, why don’t you just dump the guy? It’s only been three months, you can’t possibly be talking long-term yet. Do you really want to go through a long period of time, potentially the rest of your life, dealing with this a$$clown? I know, like Wendy said, there are always going to be people who get under your skin, but I think you should try to find someone whose values, and whose family’s values, line up better with yours. Like another commenter said, chances are good your bf will turn into his dad eventually!
In the internet chat or blog world we call these types trolls and they come in both sexes. You can’t change how you feel about them but defiantly have control over how you react to them (reverence comments above). As Wendy said they thrive on reaction to their rants. They’re like a pile of wet leaves, they won’t burn without a lot of flammable material under them. The easiest way to avoid that is to leave the room and at least put yourself out of harms way.
I love me some All in the Family. That’s all!
i’m less concerned about the comments and more weirded out by the idea that his father would ask his son’s girlfriend of three months to help clean up HIS house…
From the sounds of it, you are;
1. Young and inexperienced,
2. A frequent guest at the father’s house.
Question; how dare you request your boyfriend to speak with his father for him to mind his “manners” when you are in his house – that you (your words) claim to mess up and not help in cleaning? The impudence… Girl, you need to slap yourself for thinking the world should be handed to you on a silver platter (or stop watching too much of the Kardashians on TV).
Not everyone we come across in life will be sweet, caring and oh… acquiescing of our presence. The sooner you learn this, the better set you’ll be to face the real world.
So the father is rude, crude and demeaning – do what any rational person will do; limit your time around him. Spend some time in your own space at home. Invite the boy-toy over to your house but for chrissakes… stop over-staying your welcome.
My friend, this is a positive site. If you’re going to be here, please don’t be mean. You make a good point (i.e., it is not the LW’s place to try to get her bf to change or confront his dad), but it gets lost in how rudely you put it.
He’s trying to be the new BGM?