“My Christmas Gift Sucked”
My birthday and Christmas are close together and my gifts for both of those were less than ideal. He seemed excited about giving them to me, and I was extremely grateful for them and told him so. However, they were practical items that I actually have no use for, and have never expressed any interest in owning (one was a plant-growing set and the other was a vegetable chopper).
The thing that has been bothering me is that I spent a good bit of money on his gifts and got him lots of things that he had mentioned wanting/needing. He, however, spent considerably less on me (probably less than a third of what I spent), didn’t seem to put any thought into my what I might like, and he spent so little time and effort on these items (my birthday gift was purchased the morning of my birthday). I know I probably should have asked ahead of time what our limit was to spend on each other, but he has been working WAY more than normal (so much that he was often cancelling plans with me) and I just assumed that we would be giving in the same price range as we did last year.
I’d love some input on whether I’m just being crazy or if it’s sort of reasonable to be upset that so little time/effort/money was put in to my gifts?
On a related note, I am always the one who pays for things. If we go somewhere far with lots of tolls, I always drive and pay them and he never gives any money. If I offer to pay for anything (because I always feel that a woman should at least offer when she’s out on a date to contribute something), he ALWAYS takes me up on it. I almost feel like the ‘man’ in the relationship.
Do you have any advice for how to bring something like that up? We’re still in graduate school and have no plans to get married soon so I feel like his finances aren’t really any of my business, so I’m not sure how to bring up the subject. — Presents of Mind
Before you talk to your boyfriend — and you should definitely talk to him before you blow up — you need to organize your thoughts and decide what it is you want to talk to him about. You have multiple frustrations and disappointments that you’re lumping together. Being cheap isn’t the same thing as being thoughtless. Giving thoughtless gifts isn’t the same thing as canceling plans or being unavailable. If you’re angry about all those things, that’s fine, but be sure you don’t confuse one with the other. Better yet, prioritize what is most important to you or what you feel is the biggest offense and lead with that.
One common theme all of these offenses share is value. You’re focusing on the value of a gift, but what you’re really upset about is that YOU don’t feel valued. And that may be because buying gifts and spending money on someone is your way of showing appreciation but it may not be your boyfriend’s. This isn’t about a vegetable-making set or paying all the tolls on a long drive; you’re pissed that your boyfriend doesn’t seem to value or appreciate you. In your mind, if he did, he’d make note of things you like or talk about and buy them as gifts. He’d offer to drive sometimes. He’d treat you like the “woman” in the relationship, whatever that means.
If this were about just gifts, I’d advise you to drop bigger hints in the future — perhaps even send links to stuff you like. I’d tell you to agree on an a monetary amount to spend on each other. But this isn’t about gifts and this isn’t even really about money. You just want to feel valued. So, ask yourself first if your boyfriend shows appreciation for you in other ways. If you aren’t finding that appreciation where you’re looking, look somewhere else. Does your boyfriend do things for you? Is he a good listener? Does he show interest in your passions? Is he kind to your friends and family? If you still can’t find where your boyfriend shows he values you, tell him how you feel. Tell him it seems like he’s taking you for granted and you’re sick of it. Tell him what your needs are and then give him a chance to meet those needs.
In the end, maybe this is a relationship that’s run its course. Maybe it just needs to be revived. Or maybe you need to learn to speak each other’s love language. But you won’t move on from the point where you are if you don’t communicate. And while you’re at it, tell your boyfriend you want help with gas or tolls on a long drive. Sometimes people are a little dense and need things spelled out for them. It doesn’t always have to mean something.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
How can you be upset that he’s being a cheapskate if you don’t know anything about his finances? If anything he might be skimping because he doesn’t like to live on credit which would be a desirable trait in a husband.
I suppose it could be that his interest in you is running out of steam or that his wallet is running out of Benjamins. Your response to either cases would be very different.
To find out I would bring up the subject of money. You have been dating long enough that it shouldn’t be about the guy paying for everything anymore. It’s been 2 years and frankly guys aren’t the wealfare cheques (unless you insist on being a princess in which case I suggest you shop for a mate in the MBA program. Those guys are in training to speed ungodly sums of someone else money. ). I would take the angle of splitting expenses, you pay this restaurant he pays the next etc… You should find out why his spending patterns have changed. If you run across a dried up money tree, explore cheaper dates. He may well be not be good with money or he maybe great with money but doesn’t have a good stipend. Money is something you will eventually have work out. Might has well be now.
Remember that money is a leading cause of divorces, it’s a lot simpler if it’s a cause of a breakup.
When i read the first part of the letter I was thinking “its fine, let it go”, mainly because my boyfriend and I aren’t really into official gifts. My boyfriend still hasn’t gotten my christmas gift! And I gave him his bday present 2 months too late lol but that doesn’t mean the person doesn’t love you etc etc
The seocnd part on the other hand, that would bother me a LOT. Follow wendy’s advice, but i think in the end he might just be a cheap guy, and I know personally, after dating someone like that in the past, that it is a deal breaker for me.
100% agree. And canceling plans in the second part of the letter is concerning too.
If it’s about the gifts only, I say let it go. Because, most men I know aren’t really into gift giving. My boyfriend, my brother, all the men in my office were rushing off to the mall on Xmas eve with an “ahhh fuck my life” attitude cuz they didn’t know what to get people and they didn’t want to go shopping. Many guys are just that way, and they may not realize the importance us ladies put on gifts (and it’s not even about the dollar value for most of us gals, we just want something that shows he’s listening to us or that he really thought about what would make us happy). I understand your frustration, but do what Wendy said. Drop better hints.
As for money, this is what my bf and I do: we always split the bill! No matter what it’s for. A joint gift for someone? Dinner out? Groceries for cooking? Hotel fees? We just ask the cashier if we can pay on two debit cards. Or if one of us ends up footing the bill for something over $10, we agree at the time “I’ll pay this now, you send me an email money transfer for your half after”. This way we’re always equal and neither of us feels used or taken advantage of. If always paying makes you feel taken for granted, stop doing it!!!
As for time and attention, tell him what you need. Tell him straight up; Baby, I don’t feel like a priority in your life right now. I need you to make an effort to text me more often, or call me before bed, and follow through will plans so that I know I’m important in your life!
Tell him straight up what you want. Don’t drip hints when it comes to actions he needs to take. If he doesn’t make an effort after that? Dump him and find a man who cherishes you.
I like your 50/50 approach.
Before I read Wendy’s response I was thinking, “This isn’t about the gifts!!!,” so I’m really glad she hit the nail on the head with that! LW – You’re worried that your boyfriend doesn’t care about you enough to put in the effort it takes to buy a thoughtful gift. I’m thinking that this recent underwhelming presentation of gifts was your “breaking point,” so to speak. You’ve likely been noticing a pattern of him not putting in enough effort, not making you feel special, canceling plans on you…and this set you over the edge.
All of those things – the effort, the seeming lack of caring, the canceling of plans – those aren’t to be ignored. Maybe he’s feeling stressed in other areas of his life, and your relationship is suffering as a result. Or maybe…maybe this relationship is starting to fizzle and this is your first big sign. I think you probably know, if you’re willing to not deny any facts to yourself, whether it’s something that may be fixable, or not. Talk to him about it, then observe what happens. If you’ve communicated with him well and he still isn’t putting in the kind of effort you need or isn’t making you feel valued, then it’s probably time to MOA.
LW – It sounds like you want a partner that knows instinctively what you are thinking, how you are feeling, and what your heart desires. That shit only really happens in Disney movies and romance novels. It is not a criticism, rather I think it is time to really evaluate your expectations of your relationship. If there was something you wanted for the holidays it would have been smarter to actually speak to your BF or even write down a list of items (after discussing price limits). If you want him to pay for tolls, gas, etc…maybe you should actually say something to him. I know how you feel, my husband and I do not speak the same love languages and it can be extremely frustrating because in my mind I am sending out aerial messages with colored smoke and yet he still sometimes manages to miss it. I have learned that if there is something I really want to have, need to discuss, or expect from him then I have to open my mouth, otherwise there is no one to blame for his inability to read my mind but myself.
Wendy is right. You mention in passing that he’s been canceling plans. That’s one of my pet peeves, mostly because I’ve dated a lot of guys who were really flaky and canceled a lot. Working a lot is no excuse for that because presumably work is planned, and if not, a normal adult can make plans that they aren’t going to repeatedly break.
I’d say to start splitting the bill or whatever, similar to what others have said. But if he really doesn’t understand the concept of making you feel valued or that he should be pulling his weight, he’s still not going to get it; he’s just going to be forced to pay his share. So, talking to him is probably best.
So many of my girlfriends have been complaining about gifting this year I can’t even tell you! Maybe it’s symptomatic of our times–so many women are earning so much more lately and men are earning a bit less. I don’t think that it emasculates men in reality, but I think that women feel uncomfortable bringing it up because it’s a new social situation than we aren’t conditioned to deal with.
My SIL has a similar situation, and she sometimes feels like her boyfriend doesn’t contribute the amount that she does, but what Wendy said is spot on–your relationship shouldn’t be a score card. That being said, if you felt valued then you wouldn’t be keeping score. In the case of my SIL, she gets a huge amount of emotional support and love from her boyfriend, and she feels that it outweighs the unbalanced finances. You have to decide what is important to you and where you draw your line in the sand.
Maybe you just need to drop bigger hints and ask for specific things. My husband always gives me a list of exact items he wants and sends me links to his favorite products. This comes in SO handy when his sisters, parents, and my parents want to know what he wants!
Have this conversation carefully because he might be saving for an engagement ring.
You know, I was absolutely thinking about this in the back of my mind too. I can’t really point to anything specific in the letter that made me go to this, but I totally did.
I suppose if I had to pick something, it would be the tolls that made me go “Hmmm,” because while I know a lot of guys who don’t regularly carry change around (and my experience is that toll booths generally don’t take credit cards), I don’t know ANY guy who is so cheap as to avoid paying tolls. I mean, it’s easy to blend everything together, but that’s a level of cheapskating that just is dramatically uncommon . . . unless, of course, he’s saving up for something and is being generally paranoid about every penny spent, which I totally was when I was buying an engagement ring for my now-fiancee.
If this were the case, SHE’S paying for her own ring because she’s picking up the tab for everything so he can ‘save’.
I guess the concern isn’t gifts or who pays what, but not having any idea how your boyfriend handles money? Who wants to be applying for a mortgage and learn from a banker, that your spouse-to-be has terrible credit and his savings account has the bare minimum 100 dollars in it?
Is he living at home and using his money to pay down his student loans or leasing a luxury SUV and vacationing well above his means on semester break? Even people who date talk about the bills they have to pay month to month in regular conversation.
Cut the going out dates and stay in when ever possible, and one of the best things you can do for yourself or a relationship that may lead to marriage is pay off those loans!
You have been dating for 2 years and you have not communicated about finances…. at all? Discussing a limit on gifts (pretty common discussion) should have been pretty easy…. This might not be about the gifts, per say, but how do you know if you have a justifiable leg to stand on in your opinions if you haven’t discussed any of this with him? Talk to him in a non-judgy manner….if his reasoning for being a cheap-o sucks THEN get pissed…
That said…it doesn’t bode well for this guy given the circumstances…but I have a tendency to focus on the negative when I’m annoyed with someone’s behavior so I will wait for the update before saying this guy is definitely a cheap skate in case you managed to leave out “a bunch of wonderful things he does” until the letter update.
Did anyone else catch this — “We’re still in grad school”. Maybe the guy is broke from being in grad school????? If you are going to have a long-term relationship with this guy, you are going to have to communicate on a much deeper level than you currently are. Perhaps you are afraid of rocking the boat, but, sister, the boat is already sinking. Speak now!
Yea I missed that….grad school = broke ass….it’s pretty embarrassing for a guy to have to tell his gf he can’t afford certain things for her…so if that is happening I’m sure he would love it if the LW brought it up in a neutral manner before cutting into him…
Disclaimer – I am NOT a gift person. At all. I’d rather spend time (and $$ if need be) doing something with my SO, friends and family.
I am also a pretty generous person, and rarely start the tit for tat tallying of who’s spent more (time, money, energy, you-fill-in-the-blank). Based on your one short letter I would bet you’re like me. That being said, one of my “tells” for when a relationship has gone off course is when I start to actually notice and can’t help myself from keeping score. It’s only happened a handful of times in my life, with both friends and boyfriends, including the most recent ex – it was part of him being kind of a general asshat and attempting the slow fade.
My husband and I rarely exchange gifts with each other, it makes life so much easier.
ugh..If you want something, ask for it. If you don’t like something, tell someone. It’s really that simple. Speak up!
THIS is why I always come here to read advice. Wendy, you are just so damn good at it.
Anyone else think this guy might be up to something fishy? Working much more than usual and often cancelling plans, yet spending less just seems like a strange combination to me. Even if they are in graduate school, if they’ve been in graduate school the entirety of their relationship (which is just my assumption), why would he suddenly be spending less than previously if he is working more? (unless, of course, he previously had an assistantship/external funding which he no longer has) Still though, often canceling plans just sends up a red flag for me….he may be picking up last minute shifts but even so, I don’t understand why he hasn’t communicated his reasons for this behavior more clearly (i.e. I’m in desperate need of extra cash..) To me, there is no excuse for often canceling plans, that is just disrespectful of the LW’s time. I agree completely with Wendy that the LW is feeling undervalued here….I would be too if I were in that situation.
Classic example of the times…to me it seems that people and more specifically men don’t put any effort into anything, monetary, emotionally or otherwise….we are a generation of “instant gratification” people who don’t want to put effort into anyting, relationships, jobs, friendships….i personally now take the approach that i will only put the effort into a relationship that the man i am with extends to me…no more no less…if they can’t make any effort, than why should i bend over backwards for them…
True, goes for family and friends as well. Consistency is key in any relationship. Sadly, some people don’t want to bring joy in your life, this shows in their actions, one example is gifts. Gifting don’t have to be expensive. It’s the thought and effort you willing to invest in someone.
As a happy girlfriend of a cheap boyfriend, I’m gonna chime in here.
What helped me was sitting down and thinking about what I value in a relationship. I like the material things, but the emotional support that my boyfriend gives me is ultimately what makes me happy. It’s a small sacrifice that I am willing to make to be together.
However, this doesn’t mean that he gets out of doing things for me. We mostly split the bill, but to combat the “I-don’t-feel-like-a-girlfriend” feeling that comes with that, I asked him to budget me in (He’s going to be an accountant, so budgeting is the way he works). I asked him to set aside 30 dollars a month for “girlfriend” money- whether it be him pick up the tab at one nicer dinner, separate it into a few less nice eating places, or for him taking me to an activity somewhere.
But the big thing is that I COMMUNICATED that my needs weren’t being met. We talked about how to reach a compromise. If this is a relationship that you want to continue in- TALK TO YOUR BOYFRIEND. You will be amazed how much smoother things go if you communicate your feelings more openly to one another.
As I’ve said may times, success isn’t having possessions, power or prestige but the relationships you have with the people in your life that you care about and admire. In other words, count your blessings because they are hard to come by.
This is about being forthright and open in communicating instead of just letting things happen. LW, you should really just focus on talking about what’s important like splitting expenses when it’s necessary and you’re both on a budget. Beating around the bush only leads to harboring feelings and frustrations that come out in a jet-stream of passion/emotion. Just say, “I need help” and hopefully you can go from there.
About gifts, I agree they reflect what we really think of a person and how much they mean to us. So I can understand where you’re coming from about not liking the gifts because it seems he isn’t listening to you. And as a December baby with a two week before Christmas birthday, it’s quite easy to feel lost in the shuffle. But again, you have to be direct and say, “Hey this is what I want” or at least throw better hints. Good luck and I hope everything works out for you.
I agree with the advice. Communcation, communication, communication! Relationships do not function well without that one trait! I’ve learned this the hard way, & my boyfriend, even worse. He likes to repress things & avoid them, but after much much work, time, & fighting, he has gotten a whole lot better! I don’t think you’re materialistic or a crazy bitch… I would feel the same way in all those scenarios. It is most certainly clear that it was not the cost of the gift, but the thought, or lack thereof, behind it.
Best advice: Talk these things out with him, calmly, (prioritize & organize them) as stated above, & give your boyfriend time. Also, listen to what he has to say. You may just be surprised…
Best of luck to you & remember ****COMMUNICATION****
You’ve been dating for 2 years and have never spoke about finances? Ever? This seems hard to beleive. If it really is true you need to have that conversation like yesterday. While money isn’t everything- knowing that the person you’re dating has the same definition of “financial responsibility” is incredibly important. People have very widely different idea’s on money/savings/credit/etc/etc and you’ve got to get at least an idea of his opinions…even if you don’t discuss the actual pennies in his bank account. Man up and talk to your guy.
Does she know for sure he’s going to work? If a friend told me her boyfriend was working late, cancelling plans, and not investing as much in the relationship (gifts that obviously have no thought in them) I would assume infidelity. Maybe he is just waiting to break UT off. I’m sure plenty of you knew a Guy who didn’t know how to break off a long term relationship l.
That being said, if he isn’t cheating then talk to him. Things wont get better on their own. As for it possibly being an engagement ring, id say she’d have a clue if it was one. My husband and I talked about getting married before he proposed, so when he was a little tighter with money I assumed that’s what it was and do had no problem picking up the slack. I’d say he losing interest, and she needs to find out why.
I’d agree that he’s seeing someone on the side. He doesn’t sound like someone who would work for extra cash…he doesn’t spend any.
You guys definitely need to talk about finances, but I’m not sure a big conversation about finances will be the best method for solving the issue of you always paying for stuff. It will help, but you need to take some other steps first. For example, plan who is going to pay for what before you step out the door. Planning ahead will keep anyone from forking over money they don’t have, and it will keep you from being forced to pay for everything. Start the conversation by saying something like “I can get the gas if you can pay for the food.” This way you are not allowing his contribution to be optional. You are also stating what you are ABLE to do, because he needs to realize you’re not made of money. Do this every single time.
Another good way to open up a conversation about how you will share finances is to start talking about your own. For example, start the conversation by saying that you are really going to have to start spending less. Let it be known that money is not easy for you either by openly couponing, looking for deals, etc. If he’s been the one suggesting that you guys take these trips that you’re paying for, be blunt with him next time. Tell him that it sounds fun, but that you don’t have any money to spend on it right now. This gives him the option of stepping up to the plate and paying, and it lets him know that you are a person, not a wallet. These are gentle ways to get your point across before you start a big conversation about money.
My boyfriend was being a little cheaper than normal and it turned out it was because he had bought me a ring 🙂 But, it might be good to bring up the thought behind the presents that count!
Wow, I’d be totally happy if my husband mopped the floor…especially on a regular basis.
after 2 years you should know quite a bit about his finances… and since you mentioned marriage in your letter, that is something you are at least considering/envisioning one day/accepted that it may happen/whatever– you need to find out about his finances NOW.
The red flag here is frequently canceling plans because he’s “working so much.” There is another woman. The LW is being strung along.
There’s a lot happening here and Wendy nailed it as usual. This isn’t about gifts or tolls, it’s about feeling valued. If this guy is cancelling plans AND giving thoughtless gifts when he didn’t in the past AND letting you pay for everything there are only a few options. One, he’s broke and overwhelmed – talk to him. Two, he’s just not that into you anymore – talk to him. Better to have an uncomfortable conversation now than waste your time if the relationship has run its course.
It makes me so sad to see women, of all people, saying ‘let the bad gifts do- men aren’t good at it.’ Wrong. Lack of consideration is a learned behavior and can be unlearned, if he cares. Early on, my now husband bought me a birthday present at that was essentially for him. I called him on it and said if he wants to be around long enough to have another chance at buying me a present, he’d need to shape up. He took note and is now great at it. It’s not about price- it’s about thought. My favorite candy bar in a Christmas stocking is a perfect example. People treat you the way you let them. Act accordingly
I am a great believer people show how they feel about you by their actions. Gifts don’t have to be expensive. It’s about knowing the person, paying attention (what they like) and how they value the person and this will reflect on what kind of person they are.
It’s like gifting someone with a brand name gift but the next person get’s a non-branded gift.
Things have definitely changed in this relationship and because some men are cowards to break up, they do things to p!ss off the GF that she will call it off.
I hope LW gives an update. Good Luck!