“My Ex-Boyfriend Won’t Leave Me Alone”
Anyhow, immediately after the break-up we tried to be friends, which was a huge mistake. It was really an easy way for him to get all the benefits of a girlfriend without the label and commitment. After a few weeks of that I decided enough was enough, and I cut off all intimate contact with him and started dating other people. We still maintained a semi-close relationship, though — I would call him on his birthday or he would call every couple of weeks to see how I doing.
After a while, the weekly contact began to wane and eventually two years passed with very minimal contact between us. Around this time, while at work one day, K and I ran into each other. K had his new girlfriend of a year with him and awkwardly introduced us. I played it cool because I honestly did not feel any feelings of wanting to get back together with K. I even told the new girlfriend not to worry about me or be threatened at all because K and I were just friends. This later backfired on me when after work that night K called and said that his girlfriend had felt disrespected by my words.
After this incident (and another incident where the girlfriend accused me of prank calling her) communication between K and me was highly confrontational because I felt K, knowing me personally, should have defended my character more. I told him we should part ways as friends and not have any contact with each other. K seemingly agreed, but several weeks later called me to seek advice about something hurtful his girlfriend said to him. Although I had asked him not to call, I allowed the conversation and also reestablished our friendship at that time. Later on, realizing how much drama his girlfriend was and the way that he ignores his friends when he has a new girlfriend, I decided to once again end the friendship and move on.
This cat-and-mouse game has been going on pretty much ever since. I would end the friendship, he would call randomly a few weeks later, and we would be friends again. Recently, he called (in the middle of the night) and basically said that he needed support since none of his other friends have stuck around and his girlfriend has started acting out. Frankly, I am tired of the back and forth. I either want to have a valued friendship with him or nothing at all.
I would like to know if you think he wants to be friends or anything more? Is he just using me for the support that his ex-friends or girlfriend couldn’t provide? Part of me wants to tell him that if he wanted my love and attention then he should have appreciated it when we were together. Another part of me would really like his friendship back. Another part wonders if he still wants me back. No matter how many times I “break it off” he comes back like a sad puppy wanting to have a friendship again. Should I keep him as a friend or let him go once and for all? — Cat and Mouse
The new girlfriend isn’t the one causing all the drama — YOU are. You keep chasing a man who dumped you, broke your heart, and continues to play you like a tambourine. He’s not defending your character to his girlfriend because YOU aren’t his girlfriend and because what you said to her was legitimately offensive (honestly, if I was dating someone who introduced me to an ex and she said to me, “Don’t worry, I’m not a threat! We’re just friends!” I’d be all, “Dafuck? Who says that??”).
Bottom line: if you’re sick of feeling like the fall-back friend for a guy who not only doesn’t value you as a romantic partner, but doesn’t seem to value you very much as a friend — and whom, let’s be honest, you really want MORE than friendship from anyway — MOA. The only person keeping you in the endless game of cat-and-mouse is you. So end it and move on already.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.
Yep.
Omg, WWS.
WTF. Don’t answer his calls anymore. Simple as that. DramZ.
Yeah pretty much, but you know she loves the fact that he turns to her when he has a problem with his gf. He is using it to keep her around in case he wants a fuck buddy again, and she is using it as hope they will get back together some day.
Just stop. Stop answering when he calls. In fact, I would “lose my phone” and get a new number. Block him on facebook. And if you run into him again say “hi” and then leave. And what you said to his girlfriend was so rude. She probably didn’t even think of you as a threat, until you brought it up. It’s really not that your ex won’t leave you alone, you won’t leave him alone.
Yeah that’s what I was thinking. Like WTF why would you say that to his new girlfriend?? Especially during an awkward first meeting? Why did the fact that you were an ex have to come up at all? He could have been like, “This is Name” and that’s. If the gf really wanted to know how he knew you he could have told her privately afterwards.
YES! I was going to ask if I’m the only one who WOULDN’T introduce SO to ex-SO by saying something like, “This is Name, my ex.” I’d just say, “This is Name,” even though I do think I’d be candid in private about the fact that we’d dated.
Sidestory: one time, years ago when I was still in school, I was dating a co-worker (dumb move!). One day, when I was picking up my tips/chatting with Co-Worker (it was a coffee shop), his OTHER ladyfriend came by and started chatting with both of us. Neither of us knew who the other was in the moment. He introduced us by name only, but he got SO awkward/flustered that I knew off the bat what she was to him.
When I was in college and would more frequently run into exes, I would say “This is so and so, we used to date”. But it wasn’t a big deal to any of the guys or to me.
“Just stop.”
Yes yes and yes.
Wow. WWS. I do not even have the energy to respond to all this crazy. You’re the one causing drama. Sounds like you would do well to move on from exes and not try to be friends. And how are you supposed to move on and find a new significant other when you’ve spent years following around your ex-boyfriend like a pitiful stray begging for scraps?
Oh my god, fucking cut contact.
What what what. Why would you say all of that when you met his new girlfriend??? Highly inappropriate. And just plain weird.
Yup. Cut 100% contact. Do not answer. If he’s dying or in an emergency he can call 911. There is nothing good that has come from you answering his calls.
And yeah that was absolutely a bizarre thing to say to her when you met his new gf. Why would it be weird or awkward or whatever? Weird behaviour on your part.
I’m reading between the lines that you still have romantic interest in this guy. Otherwise you wouldn’t suddenly care so much about this friendship. And I think the comment you made to the new girlfriend also speaks for that, in a twisted way. You wouldn’t have gone out of your way to tell her you were no threat if you weren’t actually at least hoping to be a threat.
OK, more like reading the lines than reading between them.
LW what you said to the new GF sounds a lot like one of those jokes where people say something joke-y but are actually testing the waters. What you should have done when you ex called the first time was apologize and maybe make a comment about how it had come off wrong. Then you should have let it go – no more contact with your ex which is likely hurting his relationship. What you can do now is make a clean break. Tell him that there is just too much history between you and that you should stop talking since no good will come of it.
Drama Drama Drama.
This letter started with you trying to be friends with your ex by having sex with him, and went downhill from there. Like everyone else has said, that was a highly inappropriate thing to say to his new gf. If you actually wanted this guy out of your life, you’d stop answering the phone when he calls. But you don’t want this guy out your life, either because you crave the drama or because you keep hoping one of these days he’s going to come crawling back wanting you back. I suspect both; I think its revealing that you asked “I would like to know if you think he wants to be friends or anything more? Is he just using me for the support that his ex-friends or girlfriend couldn’t provide? Part of me wants to tell him that if he wanted my love and attention then he should have appreciated it when we were together.” He does want your love and attention…just without any commitment and obligation on his part. Do yourself a favor, totally cut off contact and STOP ANSWERING AND LETTING HIM BACK IN. Let yourself move on. It’s been three years of drama and mind games and just end it already.
The first line of your paragraph made me lol.
What? I have sex with all my friends, don’t you?
Then I’m getting the raw end of our friendship if that’s true!
Must not make gross dirty joke, must not make gross dirty joke, must not make gross dirty joke…
Really, LW, this is your drama. Make it stop. The girlfriend probably didn’t think you were a threat at all until you brought it up. And this guy doesn’t sound like much of a winner, either. If that story about his friends abandoning him is even true, that’s a big red flag. Why would you want to be around him? The fact that you wonder if he wants you back tells me that you want him back. Oh, and don’t rely on other people to defend your character. Maintain a good character yourself and maybe it won’t need defending.
There’s something to be said for *not* keeping EVERYBODY you EVER had a relationship with (of any kind) in your life. Why is this guy still a fixture in your life? You dated 3 years ago for only 8 months. Jesus. Like, the time you’ve had a limbo/FWB/fucked up “friendship” with him is longer than even the time you dated. Your 8 months relationship is the basis for all this? Just cut him off, like you should’ve done a long time ago.
And no, his new girlfriend isn’t causing drama. She’s reacting very normally (in regard to you, at least). Next time you meet an ex’s girlfriend, let her figure out on her own whether or not you’re a “threat”, because immediately declaring that you’re ~not~ is pretty out-there.
I think saying she’s not a threat is really just a passive aggressive way of lamenting that he doesn’t love her anymore. Which really is just a way of saying that she wishes she could be a threat.
Yeah, I totally agree. She just brought her own issues out into the conversation; no wonder the girlfriend was like, “WTF?”
Haha, can you imagine someone saying that to you? I think my head would just tilt like, huh? was I supposed to think you were a threat??? so bizarre.
Yeah, it’s like when you’re stopped by a cop and you say, “Oh no, Officer, there are absolutely no illicit drugs in my bag whatsoever. No reason to look in there” and then he does. Awkward.
haha, exactly!
http://www.smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=330
haha
Awesome!
Yeah. And I’d be telling my guy after “wtf was that about she seems like a nut” and that would make me totally paranoid.
Yeah pretty much by saying you aren’t a threat, you are giving off the vibe that you actually are a threat, or that you could be a threat if you wanted too, because he still likes you.
I totally missed that line. Who say’s that?? “Hi, nice to meet you! I’m not a threat, btw!”
You would think people are only allotted 20 people to talk to in their lifetime.
Right? Why are people so determined to hang on to friendships and relationships that stress them out and make them miserable?
Haha, That can be applied to almost every letter on DW. Love it.
I think there should be some sort of calculation where time together/time since breakup = anything below a 1 = you are a drama queen and should get a life. (maybe an exponent in there somewhere)
8 months/28 months = .29 = You’ve been dwelling longer than your relationship existed so STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT!!!
You need to start asking yourself what you really want. Do you want to be strung along or do you want your very own happy relationship, drama-free? As long as you keep contact with your ex, you’re saying you don’t want more for yourself. Move one for your own good.
Also, you sound like a nightmare ex. What you said to that poor girl was completely out of line. You love that he calls you every so often and you clearly wanted to hurt her in some way. Please, in the future, be more considerate of other people’s feelings.
LW, many of us learned the hard way that hanging onto a dysfunctional partial relationship with an ex under the guise of “friendship” is a good way to invite a lot of drama and misery into your life. Welcome to the club; you have learned the hard way. Divert your energy into finding and building new, actual friendships and let this one go, because at this point I think you are just embarrassing yourself.
Perfect advice no more really needs to be said.
Yeah. WHO SAYS THAT?!
If you don’t want him in your life as a friend, then stop answering his calls and acting like his friend. Duh. And if you are keeping him in your life as a friend in hopes that one day he’ll wake up and realize that you are The One and he was a stupid jerk for breaking up with you and he’ll show up at your house with a boom box or some other Big Romantic Gesture? Don’t. Just don’t.
Can I just say this in defense of LW and awkward people everywhere, in response to “WHO SAYS THAT?!”
Awkward people do, when confronted with awkward situations, like being introduced to your ex’s new partner unexpectedly when there are still loose ends with your ex.
Which is to say, I didn’t even blink at that comment because it’s something I would totally blurt out if caught off guard, without any particular intention, just because it’s running through the back of my head.
A lot of people are acting like she deliberately chose to say that to make some sort of point. Maybe I give way too much benefit of the doubt (Ok, I KNOW I do, my therapist has pretty much told me so) but I want to believe she didn’t realize what she was saying.
Or maybe I just want to believe that to feel excused for the fact that this is exactly the kind of social mistake I tend to make and because I related to the LW in that way, I felt shamed by all the WTF reactions.
Yes, but hopefully when someone tells you that the statement you said made a person feel uncomfortable you would feel bad and apologize instead of being upset that you weren’t defended enough by them.
Then the question isn’t “WHO SAYS THAT?!” but “WHO DEFENDS I?!”
IT*
What happened to modify last comment?
And if I’d only scrolled down a leeetle further, I’d see someone else already took up the torch for us awkward folk.
I really do get it, because I’m awkward too. I don’t even know the right things to say to my friends, family, or husband. I offend him about once a week by blurting out something insensitive like this LW did. But if I do that, I’m willing to look at what I said critically and admit it was wrong. I feel like I’m constantly apologizing to P for saying stupid shit, because that’s what you do when you realize you overstepped your boundaries or made someone feel bad. This LW hasn’t done any of that, and she seems a little confused about why the new gf was mad in the first place. The thing about innocently awkward people is that they know they’re awkward and want to try to correct things. If you don’t want to do that, you’re probably awkward AND a meany-face rather than just awkward, or you might just be a meany-face.
So what if you’re so awkward that you don’t even realize that what you said was offensive? That it does legitimately confuse you that someone would be offended?
Because Honestly, I didn’t even blink at the “I’m not a threat” thing. And I *was* confused that the new GF felt disrespected by it, because when I imagined myself on the receiving end of it, it didn’t really faze me. Like, it might have confused me for a second or two, but offended? Overreaction. (Then again, I’m slow to offend and quick to forgive, your classic Debbie Doormat.)
In other words I could be this LW. I could say this exact thing, without bad intentions, and be confused that it offended someone. Not because I’m a meany, but because I was truly blind to the offensive/unacceptable nature of that comment until I read the comments here and saw people WTF-ing left and right.
So maybe “awkward” isn’t the right word. Maybe just “socially tone-deaf.” Like singing along to the radio and being completely unaware that you’re off-key because you just can’t hear it. And when your brother who has perfect pitch starts to wince, you don’t know why, and when he tells you, you defend yourself because you didn’t sound off-key to your own ear.
You know, re-reading my comments, I’m projecting all over the place. I’ve been working on some of my self-esteem, insecurity and doormat issues in therapy and I think this just pushed on some of my soft spots.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that though. You don’t have to understand why something was hurtful in order to be apologetic that you did hurt someone. I literally do that same exact thing all the time. I’ll say something to P that I didn’t think was bad (maybe because I’m awkward or maybe because he’s more sensitive than I am). He gets upset about it. I tell him I didn’t think it was hurtful when I said it and ask him to explain. He explains. I still don’t get it, but I apologize anyway because I realize that I don’t have to understand why it was hurtful.
If you’re an awkward person, you have an obligation to the people around you to depend on them for social cues and just believe them about some things, IMO. Not to the point of being a doormat or foregoing all of your opinions, but at least for smallish things like this awkward people should just believe non-awkward people and roll with it. To me it’s not that she said it, or that she doesn’t get why it was mean. It’s the fact that she wouldn’t take responsibility when someone else said she hurt her.
Yeah, I’m awkward as shit, and I always blurt out inappropriate stuff, especially if you get a couple drinks in me. BUT the way I see it is, if it was something that she just awkwardly blurted out, then it’s probably something that was already swimming around in her head as an idea, you know? Like, “Ooh I hope the new gf doesn’t think that I’m a *threat* because of our Special Love and my general hotness. He obviously can’t get enough of me which is why he ALWAYS calls even when I ask him not to.” Plus there’s the fact that even when she found out the girlfriend was offended, she still didn’t “get it” and turned it around on the ex for not defending her honor or some shit.
LW, stop answering his calls and for gawdsakes, get yourself to a doctor so they can help you find your spine. You think he wants you but he only wants your attention to stroke his ego. Seriously, go to therapy.
“I’m not a threat” is the same thing as “I’m not racist, but” and “I’m not a grammar nazi, but” If you have to make a statement that you “aren’t” something… you are.
Just admit you like the drama. I’d tell you to stop but you don’t really want to, you’re looking for reasons not to cut him off. So don’t stop. Don’t become an empathetic, mature, caring human being. Keep giving half-assed, fake attempts to “cut him off” (which I’m assuming you are just telling him you are cutting him off since you make no real attempt to) and allowing him to not take you seriously. You may one day end up to be pant-less Ramona.
I don’t like drama, but…
I agree that you are the issue here. And you are the cause of the drama. I mean, if some girl just met me and said (about my theoretical boyfriend) “Oh, hi! Don’t worry about me, I’m not a threat to your relationship with Bob here. I’m totally over it and we’re just friends!” What I hear then is “I had him first and if I want him back, I can totally have him because I’m much prettier/better/cooler than you but I’m gonna be nice and let you keep him but you’re going to sit and wonder if he’s seeing me and you’re not going to be cool with he and I being friends but I don’t really care.”
Stop answering his calls. He doesn’t really want to be your friend. And you need to distance yourself and stop living 3 years in the past.
My favorite sign of immaturity is when people spend all their energy looking at how other people are causing the problems in their life. Clean your own door step LW. It is fucking insulting for an ex-girlfriend to imply that the only reason your boyfriend is dating you is because she won’t. WTF.
Okay, so maybe I’m reading this wrong, but can I just be the devil’s advocate here? The whole everyone-lynching-the-rudeness-of what someone blurted out in an awkward situation. Damn people, put down the torches. Something must have moved her to say that to the new girlfriend in the truly awkward “what used to be mine is now yours” introduction. Poster sounds like a socially awkward lady, let’s show at least a little love for what I’m sure she realizes was not a brilliant move.
That said, LW, Aim Higher. Your ex is using you because he can because you are letting him. If an ex called me in the middle of the night and woke me up, they would be getting an earful and then be hung up on. Aim the hell higher.
The Ex sounds like a creep/loser/user and the writer sounds like a girl who (likes to?) get used.
Damn, people. A little compassion? Especially today.
I think you made a great point here. It can be extremely difficult for some people to respond well in what is a totally awkward situation. I absolutely understand the WTF response because none of us would ever want to be on the receiving end of such an introduction, but maybe in the moment she just honestly couldn’t think of what to say.
Agree with everything else, hanging on to the dregs of this not-a-relationship isn’t giving you any closure or contentment or the space you so desperately need to move on.
He doesn’t want you back. He doesn’t want to be your friend. He *might* want to hook up if the opportunity presents itself. But believe me, you really don’t want these things from him either. Drop him like the bad habit he is and give yourself the chance to be happy.
I don’t get that tho why couldn’t she think of something to say? Is she ALWAYS that awkward with people? “Hi I’m Breezy, I’m not going to steal your shoes and booze!” I mean how about the standard “nice to meet you” we’ve been trained to say since preschool? This isn’t rocket science.
Yeah, I’m with you. I’m compassionate towards her in the sense that she sounds misguided, she sounds stuck on this guy for no reason at all, & I feel sorry for the state things are in with her now (she also sounds young, so I make allowances for that). BUT what she said seriously was wack. And I can’t imagine it being due to simple awkwardness— telling a new girlfriend you’re not a threat takes thought, it’s not something you’d just blurt out by feeling awkward?
If it had been due to awkwardness, she would have been mortified when K called her to say his new gf felt disrespected by her (although, why was he calling her to say that? he’s just as weird as she is). She would probably have apologized and explained that she didn’t mean it. But no, she was offended & accused him of not defending her character.
YES, exactly.
Plus it definitely doesn’t sound like she realized she shouldn’t have said it.
Hi Breezy! You’re welcome to steal my booze if you’d like.
I totally see your point, but I have two autistic siblings and I am magnificently socially awkward myself. Like, less social butterfly, more social slug. Some people aren’t ‘normal’. BTW, physics and calculations associated with the propulsion, control and manipulation of an engineered unit is WAY easier than meeting the new gf of a guy you slept with ten periods ago.
Yeah, I just don’t see how it’s that awkward to see an ex 2 years after an 8 months relationship.
Agreed. Even people who aren’t awkward in general can blurt out something weird in an unfamiliar situation. (Or so I’ve heard.) I don’t think her saying that is a huge big deal; if I met someone’s ex and she said something along those lines to me, I would just laugh. People in general are WAAAAAAAAAAAAY too quick to take offense to trivial stuff.
I agree that the LW might not have had bad intentions or even awareness of bad intentions at the first meeting, but the fact that she is relishing the drama that her presence is causing seems like she is a) hung up on her ex and hoping he will come back to her or b) that she craves attention even though in this instance it is not healthy for anyone involved.
Just no. Don’t answer when he calls, don’t respond if he emails. Find better friends than this guy.
And don’t tell girlfriends you aren’t a threat. They don’t want to hear that. And it’s awful presumptuous of you to assume they are thinking that.
So, during college I spent a summer working at a national park. People from all over were working there. I met a dude and like that, we were together. While there, his ex came to “surprise” visit, i.e., “win” him back. She said as much to me.
“Hi, I’m ex. I’m here to get dude back.” WHAT THE FUCK? Anyway, she didn’t. And I dated dude for two years after. We probably would have stayed together longer if after college I hadn’t wanted a real job and he hadn’t wanted to follow Widespread Panic. Yeah.
I guess at least I had her honesty instead of being passive-agressive about it.
For somebody who is OVER a guy, you sure seem hung up on him and rather unable to stop expecting him to act like your boyfriend… Frankly, it sounds to me like he IS treating you like a good friend. Nothing more. Clearly, that is not enough for you though…
Want the game to stop? Stop playing it. Don’t answer the phone. He plays because YOU play. And yes, it is a game. He doesn’t like the way his girl is acting, he needs to deal with that mess, not come crying to you. Don’t be his tissue (in more ways than one). You aren’t his support network.
Eh, today I don’t agree with Wendy. I don’t agree that the LW is chasing her ex, if we take at face value her account of events (which we kind of have to, because otherwise we’re just making shit up for our own amusement). I’ve known a couple guys like this, and while I didn’t want to get back together with them on any level, I was too “nice” to cut them off completely. (Let the record show that these were not recent events.) LW, this guy is an ass. He’s not going to magically change into less of an ass, especially when there aren’t any consequences to his assness because you don’t enforce any boundaries for more than five minutes. Cut him off once and for all: don’t take his calls, don’t answer his emails or texts, and if you run into him, don’t engage him at all beyond minimal pleasantries.
BEAU MERCI!!!!!!
I’m totally with you on this. Dude is chasing her. She’s certainly not making it difficult for him, but she’s not pursuing him the way he’s pursuing her (ref. that several times she asked for a contact ban, and each time he was the one who broke that ban). I think the “interest in keeping things going” is *primarily* on his end, he seems to be the one who can’t let her go.
“I was too nice to cut them off completely.” BINGO! It’s not news that women are conditioned to be “too nice.” I get the impression LW is pretty young, and may not yet have learned the lesson that being too nice can backfire. Which is a lesson most women have to learn from experience, I think. Hell I’m still learning it!
So LW, consider this a learning experience. People walk over you when you let them. It’s your responsibility and your responsibility alone to establish and defend your boundaries.
I’ve got somewhat of a different take. Backstory: an ex of mine got involved with an emotionally abusive relationship.
LW, if this guy has sacrificed all of his other friends for this girl who is isolating him to screw with his brain, you need to tell him so. Bluntly. And then you tell him to get therapy. And *then* you Hang. Up. The. Phone.
You aren’t fooling anyone by saying you don’t still have feelings for this guy. I broke my eyes rolling them at your “he should have defended my honor” comment. No. You should not be engaging either of these people. And any guy who wants to badmouth his new girlfriend to his old girlfriend is not someone worth staying friends with. You all sound so immature.
I don’t care if you want this guy or not. If you do or don’t, you clearly can’t have a relationship that doesn’t stray past friends boundaries, at the moment while he’s in a relationship. Stop looking for payback or closure or for him to realize he was wrong. You’re not going to get it; closure is not something someone else can give you. Just stop talking to him and MOA.
WWS, block his number on your phone, block him on Facebook, Instagram, etc. LW have you ever considered that you might be a bit codependent? Your behavior here and how you describe this situation strikes me as really codependent. Take responsibility for this situation and stop “being friends” with an ex you really want to be your boyfriend. You can only change you, not the actions of others.