“My Ex is Sending Photos of Me to Swingers”
When we broke up, I went back on his email to delete all the risqué photos I had emailed him over the course of our relationshit. He also didn’t have a smart phone, so I was safe knowing he hadn’t been able to save the pictures anywhere. (I know, never send naked photos, mistake number a million with him). So the evidence was gone.
Now, a season or two later, I decided to take a cruise on his email to see what he had been up to in our time apart (yes, he still hadn’t changed his password, and, no, I shouldn’t have looked, but in my defense, it could just be that I’m suffering from post-breakup insanity). I discovered that he’s back on the dating websites. But what I was not expecting was for him to reply to multiple “couples seeking other couples” profiles. Ew, I dated this guy?! Then there it was..,he had been forwarding pictures of ME, ones I had taken to show him my new bikini and forgot to delete, saying I was his girl and saying all the dirty things I was into (not true ones!)!
I don’t even think it’s a revenge thing — he is really a sex pervert and obsessed with getting laid! I have no clue what he will say when he shows up to meet these people alone. Say that I came down with the flu?! Good thing we live 8 hours away from one another. Should I confront him? How do I stop this before it gets out of hand? — NOT Seeking NSA Fun
Call him or email him and tell him you have three things to discuss: 1. You’ve been snooping in his email, you feel terrible about it, and you apologize for invading his privacy; 2. He needs to change his email password immediately; 3. He also needs to stop sending your photo to swinger couples or anyone else, should delete the photos, and should never ever drag you into his sex-capades again. If he has a problem with your first point, which he will and rightfully so, simply acknowledge that you know what you did was fucked up, apologize again, and tell him that he can consider you even since he’s been emailing your photo out to swinger couples, claiming you’re his partner in crime. It’s time you both washed your hands of each other and MOAed.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.
And THIS, kids, is why you don’t… do any of the things the LW has already pointed out to be bad things to do.
LW, I applaud your use of “relationshit” because that is exactly what you had with your ex. Since you have access to his email, why don’t you delete ALL of the pictures on his account? And if you’re truly diabolical, log in to these dating websites (if his password is the same), change the password and then delete his accounts. I wouldn’t confront him about it unless you need to, or if you like really awkward conversations.
i also applaud the use of “relationshit”
that is amazing.
I agree. Maybe I’m just a bitch, but I think snooping through email does NOT make you even with somebody sending your picture around to troll for sex. If ever there was call for a scorched earth policy, this is it.
Wow. Maybe he gets off on just the back-and-forth exchanges, & has no intention of meeting these other couples? Or else he’s now involved with somebody less attractive than you, & is using your picture as bait, and the other girl as “switch” (for the actual meeting up)
This is speculation obviously, when I know you’re just looking for a general “OHMYFUCKINGGOD” reaction…but I can’t help it.
Exactly what I came to say. I don’t think he’s planning on meeting anybody, he’s just getting off on the emails. Which is also very disrespectful to the other couples involved, he’s just wasting their time.
If someone sent around nude or scandelous pictures of me, all bets are off. I don’t care if I shouldn’t have been looking in their email. I think the LW should delete all his emails and any files stored, change his password and security questions without him knowing it, and contact any of the dating sites to let them know what he’s doing.
Call me a downer, but the weirdest part of all of this to me is that you deemed this guy dateable in the first place. I mean, there are always going to be weirdos out there…and it’s our job to know that, so we can avoid dating them…ya know?
Like Erica said above — his creepiness and sexual preferences should have been pretty evident from the get-go…so why start dating him?? I mean, it seems like you’ve at least partially acknowledged that there were a lot of things you’ve learned…I just hope there won’t be any repeats with guys in the future.
PS, I think it’s kind of funny that you’ve told us DWers to overlook YOUR contribution to this, and focus on the other stuff. It’s still pretty strange, and petty, and worrisome that you were logging in to an ex-boyfriend’s email account…are you SURE you’ve learned all the lessons there are to learn from this whole debacle?
HAAHAAHAAAA, was “relationshit” purposely misspelled? The LW has coined a hilarious term, whether on purpose or by accident I don’t know and don’t care.
Wendy: I will laugh so hard if you start responding to letters, telling people they’re not in a relationship, they’re in a relationshit.
No coining here, I’m sure I read that word in plenty of places before.
How have I never heard that before??? Where have I been this whole words life?? It’s freaking gold!
Probably buried in other crap definitions in urbandictionary.
The first time I ever heard that phrase was a Dane Cook bit like 6 or so years ago. I doubt he was the one to originally coin that phrase but it has been around awhile.
Come on, guys– if people always recognized that the person they were dating was “off” then DW wouldn’t recieve any letters. She definitely had some warning signs, but maybe the guy wasn’t driven to swingers sites until after the break-up. If she can blame snooping on “break-up brain”, then maybe he’d have the same excuse?
this is true! just like the letter yestereday about being into S&M- that guy stayed with the girl even though her preferences -in his opinion- were sick…
wasnt it letsbehonest who said you overlook things on purpose? the whole no one is perfect line? im sure that this guy, just as in a lot of situations, wasnt just cray cray from the get-go.
Yes! I don’t think anyone can honestly say that they’ve never misjudged a person. Quit jumping on her, that’s just another form of victim blaming.
And I totally get curious sometimes and facebook stalk all of my exes. Like, I go down the list of all of them about once a year, not even because of break up brain but because I’m nosy and want to see what they’re up to without having to pick up a phone. If I had their email address logins and they failed to change the password when they knew I had it? I probably would not be able to avoid temptation. I know. Don’t judge me.
Agreed… I sometimes have chosen to see the good in people that I shouldn’t have. I guess it is a quality that has gotten me into trouble. I thought my ex was a nice and honest guy. Boy, was I wrong! So, I really can’t stomp all over the LW for not seeing her ex for who he really is when they were together. It’s pretty common.
I do think she has engaged in self-destructive behaviors (like logging into his e-mail), but curiosity has been known to get the best of many people (that’s why it is a phrase!). It happens. But… LW… don’t let it happen again. This guy should no longer be such a constant in your brain that it even crosses your mind to check his e-mail. STOP!
Word. I always wonder who all these moral people are who never snooped on their exes after the breakup. People who didn’t have email passwords, clearly.
I specifically don’t want any passwords that I don’t absolutely need, specifically so I can avoid temptation (and also, in case of something happening like the account getting hacked, I can definitely say it wasn’t me and be believed). Boyfriend and I share his desktop – I use my iPad mostly – and so I know the password to unlock it, but opportunities have presented themselves for me to know his password, and I’m all, “NONONONO! I don’t want it! Don’t tell me!” because I’m not naturally a suspicious person, but I don’t want to be super-bored one day and rationalize poking around in his inbox for some idiotic reason.
Just yesterday I found out one of my exes has a new girlfriend. And so what did I do? Immediately go to FB and check it out. I was sad to learn she’s cute. It happens. People check up on exes all the time.
But that’s because you are a SEXUAL PERVERT! And we’re going to go notify your husband and wash our ears with soap.
Yes! And wash my ears with soap too! And tell me how dirty I am while you do it! And then, a spanking!
Darling, you’re my favorite =)
You get to pick the spanking implement.
Yay! We are going to make the internet so jealous.
“he definitely had some warning signs, but maybe the guy wasn’t driven to swingers sites until after the break-up”
I don’t know why we’re equating swinger with non-datable here (not in this comment, but on the letter in general). It’s alright if it’s not your thing, but talking about this guy like he’s sick and OMG such a pervert because he and his ladyfriends like to meet other couples for sex? That’s really judgmental. (Not talking to you specifically Fabelle).
The part about using her picture without her consent was very very out of line, but it didn’t happen until AFTER they broke up. And what else do we know about the guy? He doesn’t have a computer and he likes swinging. Big deal. I’ve dated worse. Most of the LW have.
I agree, I’m seeing a lot of judgment already (& I know you weren’t addressing me specifically, but just to clarify– I said “driven to” because maybe it wasn’t anything the guy was into until after the break-up. The “warning signs” I’m referring to was the fact that he DID have previous online dalliances, it seems?)
I don’t know if, like in yesterday’s letter, the guy hid this aspect of himself or if he only became interested when he & the girl broke up. But anyway, swinging IS common enough that I’m kind of giggling at the LW’s use of “sex pervert.”
Exactly! if your version of an “OMG EWWW DIRTY PERVERT! RUN FOR THE HILLS” is this guy (minus the picture misuse, that was pretty fucked up) then you’ve lead a very sheltered life.
And I agree with you that the swinger-baiting thing is probably something he does when he’s alone and bored. I think if he was really a swinger he would have brought it up with the LW (unless she had shared her concept of “undateable freak” with him previously, in that case I don’t blame him for keeping his mouth shut). My guess is he’s not even into swinging. He’s into the fantasy of sharing his woman, and he messages people so he can then use their emails as masturbatory aides. I think if he was a real swinger he’d have more respect for the rest of them and wouldn’t waste their time organizing parties that will never happen.
Agree with you rainbow. This guy’s behavior is out of line – that behavior using a picture of an ex girlfriend to instigate meet-ups with couples. The fact he wants to swing – eh, no big deal. The swinging, as with the S&M letter yesterday, isn’t the problem, its the violation of boundaries.
definitely yes to this- but i have to say that i think that all “adults seeking adult” websites are sketchy. are there any that are not? any that anyone has used successfully? anyone willing to admit to that on here?
In reality, they can be a bit sketch…for sure.
Those “adulting seeking…” sidebar ads generally look sketchy/cheesy, but there are pretty legitimate widely-used sites. I have friends that use grindr on a regular basis, and one friend that found a couple to swing with via Craigslist casual encounters. I think most people are hyper-aware of the sketch-factor, so they try even harder to be cautious? The swinger guy I know texted a couple of us beforehand just to be like (half-jokingly) “Hey, if I’m not back in 24 hours…”
personal boudaries and opinions about snooping be damned- if someone has pictures of me and is distributing them without my knowledge onto some sketchy websites, i would do anything in my power to stop that, up to and including shutting down any and all email and sketchy website accounts.
Yea, I agree.
Definitely.
If he’s sending out the photo but doesn’t have a computer, he’s presumably storing the photo online, probably as an email attachment.
So shut down his email account. You have the power – it’s as easy as changing the password yourself to something he’s unlikely to guess.
You may, eventually, take pity on him and restore it. But not after you’ve wiped it clean of anything related to you.
I’m so cautious that I won’t put my picture up anywhere, including here.
Oh so you’ll just throw your adorable dog under the bus?
My dog is a ladies man and besides, you probably couldn’t pick him out of a lineup. Also, he’s far cuter than I am.
How were you not at least a little aware of how weird this guy was before you started dating? I mean you MUST have had a sense that he was a little off. Anybody that weird doesn’t just spring it on you all of a sudden 3 months into a relationship. There would have been signs. And that should have deterred you from dating him and sending him naked photos.
I mean, HE DOESN’T HAVE A COMPUTER.
It’s the year 2012 for god’s sake. Anyone who has a home also has a computer. I’m sorry, but, it’s true. Maybe it’s shallow of me to assume everyone can afford one. But a single guy with a job and a place to live and a car should be able to spring for a $300 laptop. And if he doesn’t have a job or a car or an apartment, well… He must have been really good in bed.
What if he … doesn’t really want one?
Plenty of people just don’t like them.
I know it is horrible for the ex to send out her picture to the dating websites without her knowledge or permission, but when she sent the pictures to him initially … shouldn’t she have considered that the misuse of her pictures was a possibility? I mean it’s not like it isn’t common knowledge about electronic “risque” pictures gone wrong. Once it leaves you and goes to him, the picture(s) really belong to him. It was an invasion of his privacy to go back and delete all those pictures from his email (assuming that she didn’t tell him she was going to do that first).
I do agree that he is an ass monkey for making up stuff about her on websites and that’s so not cool. But traipsing around in his email “seasons” after you’ve broken up is also not cool. I agree with Wendy’s advice. And I would definitely NOT do anything to sabatage his email account. Go ahead and notify those dating websites that he is spreading false information about her and stay out of his email account.
That’s why I don’t store any nude or risque photos digitally. I refuse to email them to my fiance even- I totally trust him, I just don’t trust the creep who might swipe my fiance’s smartphone or the computer repair tech recovering my hard drive someday, etc.
And if you are going to send nude photos digitally, make sure they don’t include any defining feature, such as your face. Sure, the body may look likes yours, but it is harder to prove.
Now, as wrong as email snooping is, I wonder if LW had an inkling her ex was up to no good? LW was being a creeper here. However, creeper or not, he needs a firm cease-and-desist as far as emailing her personal pix and made up info to random people. Yikes.
As for misjudging this dude, 1) some people are very good at hiding their unsavoury behaviour until later in the relationship, 2) outside circumstances can drive someone to lower their standards (ie, feeling vulnerable from other life crisies, etc), 3) we’ve all been there. Except one of my friends, who recently married her childhood sweetheart.
the evolution of life on our planet culminated in this LW
Why are you snooping in his email when you’ve been broken up nearly as long as you were together? MOVE ON!
Yes, it violates all kinds of boundaries for him to be sending pictures of you to other couples when soliciting sex. Its wrong, creepy, violates boundaries, is creepy, and wrong wrong WRONG, and now that you know, you should confront him about it. Because its creepy. And wrong.
But, it really doesn’t have a huge impact on you, right? I mean, its you in a bikini, not you posing naked. It could have ripped this off your facebook page. While the intent is wrong, its not necessarily a private picture. And its not like people are coming up to you in the street, or in professional settings asking “Hey, where you were you for last Tuesday’s four-way?” So really, the only negative impact on you of a public-friendly photo of you being used in this manner is that you know.
Now you know, so you can’t just let it go, and he should be confronted as it is not okay. But from here on out I suggest MOVING ON, and purging any impulses to check up on him.
Applause for so eloquently covering the other side of this issue….
I get what you’re saying, and you have great points.
HOWEVER….
I’m incredibly glad nothing like this has ever happened to me. If someone at my school ran across a swinger ad with my face on it and told my principal, I would be fired. It wouldn’t matter what had happened to lead to that picture being there: I would be fired. And now I’m incredibly paranoid about where any pictures of me go. My boyfriend has asked to paint a nude portrait of me, and while it sounds really sexy and fun and he’s promised to make sure my face isn’t visible, I can’t bring myself to do it. The risk of my being recognized if that painting were to sell is just too big. But I didn’t always want to be a teacher. I actually remember having a conversation about five years ago with a friend about someone’s nude pictures being used without consent, and I said the words, “Thank god I’m an artist and work for theatre companies who don’t give a flying fuck what I do with my body!” The fact that there aren’t nude pictures of me is purely coincidental. It used to be “no big deal” for me, too, but there are certain jobs out there where photographic proof of what looks like an overt display of sexuality will get you fired. Fair? No. But it’s definitely an issue she might have to deal with someday, even if it’s not that kind of issue for her now.
Oh she has every right to be mad (I would probably go all hulk like and confront him with no fore-thought). His behavior is beyond reproach.
However, from here on out, she needs to stop checking in on him, and get on with her life.
Here in my neck of the woods (metro Detroit), a man suspected his wife of cheating, so he used her password (one he had access to because it was kept in a shared notebook placed by the computer they both used) to check her e-mail and found correspondence between them. Yes, she was having an affair. Yes, he filed for divorce. Yes, she accused him of violating her privacy. Yes, he was arrested for harassment and is awaiting trial – he even spent some time behind bars. Yes, the case is winding its way through the court system right now.
Long winded way of saying don’t delete anything of his, or do anything to alter his accounts, no matter how deserved or tempting. Do contact a lawyer and look into a cease and desist order that can be sent to him and the websites where he posted the swinging ads. Do know there may not be much you can do to take down those ads or those pics. You know what they say: Once something’s posted on the Internet, blah, blah, blah.
He’s a steaming pile of horse shit, but don’t let his actions get you into any trouble. I’m so sorry you have to go through this.
I’m also from Metro Detroit and I definitely have heard about this case too. As much as revenge sounds great LW, you do have to be careful of the legal ramifications of your actions. However, I would also talk to a lawyer about a cease and desist order or something similar because what he’s doing is definitely wrong.
LW, here’s what you do if you need to put a stop to this:
Tell him you were snooping and apologize. Wrong? Definitely. Out of the realm of normal offenses people commit against each other? Not really, though I totally don’t condone it.
Then you tell him he is to take these things down and never use your image for public/semipublic sexual gratification ever ever ever again. While what you did was wrong, what he did could potentially follow you, especially if you work in a field like me where people expect you to be beyond reproach morally. Get screen shots of everything first, and that way you have proof, because you also have to tell him if he continues using your image for public sexual gratification without your consent, you will be contacting the authorities. This is actually illegal. You can press charges. And I think you’re absolutely within your rights to do so.
She might want to be careful about tampering with his email and online accounts. That one counts as a federal felony.
Just wanted to point out, accessing someone’s email and deleting material is a crime. Just saying.
DO NOT admit to poking about in his e-mail. I am not a lawyer but I believe that is the sort of thing you can do hard time for and if you go on to confront him about the other things then he may be of a frame of mind to prosecute. There is a student in my home town who is doing time for poking around in Sarah Palin’s emails. The little punk was the son of a local judge so he got off easier than many people would.
Learn your lesson and move on. You don’t really hold any cards here. If you can come up with a plausible way to come by the information legitimately then you might be able to say something to him but that would still leave you legally exposed (so to speak) if it prompted him to find out you broke into his e-mail.
I am surprised at the amount of comments that encourge LW to continue to break Federal law.
Unless she can PROVE she had authorization to access his email whenever she accessed it, she is guilty.
In addition to the code explicitly dealing with hacking, the Department of Justice has pursued these cases using theft, destruction of property, forgery, and fraud. As a result, the DOJ will prosecute email hackers under more traditional crimes in addition to 18 U.S.C. 2701.
There are a wide range of penalties for hacking email. They can include loss of your email account, jail time, and fines between $5,000 and $1 million. Most notably, David Kernell, the hacker that hacked into Sarah Palin’s email in 2008, was sentenced to one year in a minimum security prison.
Do NOT delete the photos – that’s FEDERAL crime. Do NOT admit that you were in his email – that is a FEDERAL crime.
Sheesh – what the heck did you think was going to happen sending risqué photos to some guy you only knew for a few months? Especially if people seeing your naughty bits is a big deal for you. Remember – once you email a photo to some guy, it’s his to use any way he wants. He can show it to his friends, talk about what a ‘slut’ you are and use the photo as proof; the list of asshattery goes on and on.
Contact a lawyer and tell him or her you saw the photo on a dating sight. Get your lawyer to send a cease and desist letter. If he doesn’t, sue him.
LW, you should pay attention to what Bubba has posted. Having confessed publicly to violating federal law for unauthorized access to a computer, you may already be in a heap of trouble. If your EX got wind of this and wanted to get back at you, the next step for him might be to file a complaint with the authorities, who could use a subpoena to establish your identity pursuant to a prosecution. Your confession is out there for everyone, including the FBI, to see. This is one time you never should have hit the submit key.
I actually don’t agree with Wendy, which is shocking! The ex shouldn’t be given any self righteous ammunition. He could have sent this girls picture out to someone she knew, a former boss, coworkers, family member. He could ruin her reputation and if he is mad at her for snooping who knows what he will do. She should say he did contact someone she knew who alerted her to the pictures. This way he will be scared enough to stop. I’m sorry but if an ex did that to me, this is how I would handle it. Snooping and sending out pics to swingers with the promise of sex arent equal crimes.