“My Ex Wants Me Back. How Do I Dump My Current Boyfriend?”
I broke up with the love of my life a little over a year ago. We were together for three years but were both emotionally immature and it ended with no closure. I immediately started dating a guy quite a bit younger than me. We got along so well and he is extremely sweet and good to me and we have been living together for the last four months.
Two months ago I began feeling smothered and I’m extremely unattracted to him now. In fact, he just plain grosses me out. He is grossly hairy EVERYWHERE, he is poorly educated, lacks common sense, is extremely clingy and he has halitosis. I didn’t catch on to these things until after he moved in. We haven’t slept together in over a month and I sleep on the couch. I want out but I want to let him down as gently as possible.
About a week ago my ex began emailing me again. We haven’t spoke since the breakup. It hit me like a ton of bricks: I’m still so in love with him! He feels the same. Being with other people has shown us how much we took for granted and has changed us. I want nothing more than for us to start out slowly focussing on the friendship first. I still would like to remain friends with my current boyfriend but he’s going to be crushed. What is the best way to handle this? What do I and don’t I say? — Wants Out
Well, I’d leave out the part about how you aren’t attracted to him at all and how he has bad breath and you think he’s poorly educated and he grosses you out. I’d probably leave out the part about how being with him made you realize how much you took your ex for granted. I’d also leave out anything about wanting to remain friends with him. Honestly, the last thing the guy needs is a “friend” who is grossed out by him and pretty much used him to get over an ex (until the ex came back).
What I would say if I were you is that it’s totally over between you and you’re going back to your ex. It may “crush” him, as you say, but giving him the closure you didn’t get when you and your ex broke up is the kindest thing you can do in this situation. Don’t leave the door open. Don’t leave him wondering why you ended things. Don’t let him think there’s still a chance of reconciliation. Tell him in no uncertain terms that you aren’t in love with him and that your heart belongs to someone else.
If he asks you why you dated and moved in with him in the first place if you were still in love with your ex, tell him the truth: you enjoyed his company and thought being with him would help you move on. No one with any self-respect is going to pine over a woman who was only with him in an effort to get over someone else.
With luck, the truth will set your boyfriend free. In time, after he gets over the hurt feelings, he’ll hopefully see you as a bullet dodged and be glad he escaped with minimal harm.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.
You never smelled his breath before moving in together? Did you not kiss?
Yeah, how did she not pick up on any of his bad (to her) qualities? I would have guessed that his poor education, hairiness and clinginess would have been apparent quite quickly.
Is it just me or is LW annoying?
It’s not just you, JK 🙂
Agreed. I did not like this letter. And i wish I could thumbs up Wendy’s response.
After I read it, I wanted to go wash my eyes out with soap.
maybe these love goggles some LWs seem to wear filters those things out for the first 6 months. then they wake up and are living with a hairy man beast that smells and they don’t know how to fix it. this is the only plausible explanation i can come up with.
no, is not only you… She not just annoying but sounded very shallow.
LW, I think it would benefit you to be single for a while. You clearly lack good judgement since you moved in with a man that you never loved. It’s great that your ex-boyfriend is interested in you again, but if he’s truly interested in getting back together with you for the long term than he will wait a few months for you to get your shit together.
Agreed. Lw sounds like a serial dater that might benefit from some alone time to mature a little. Btw, it takes about 10 seconds to process if someone is hairy or has bad breath.
If you’ve been sleeping on the couch for a month and had no sex in that time, I think parts one and two of letting him down and breaking up are already over. He already knows where this is headed. Wendy’s advice is good. Break up in person, say nothing mean to him, say he’s a good guy, but you realize you never stopped loving your ex. Move out and don’t contact him again.
You didn’t “not notice” those things before, lets be honest. You were trying to make yourself feel better about your break up by getting a boyfriend- apparently any boyfriend was fine, and now you’re regretting it.
Anyway, your new boyfriend obviously knows something is up, because you’ve been sleeping on the couch for a month. Just tell him that your relationship is no longer working for you, and you want to break up. You really don’t need to tell him anything more than that. If he asks, tell him that you never got fully over your x, and you can’t move on in another relationship until you do.
FWIW, sounds to me like you need to be single for a while, and get things together before you date anyone seriously.
I think you need to break up with your current boyfriend, and find a place of your own and move out. Then start dating your ex again. Don’t move in with him right away!
All of wendy’s other advice still applies.
Can someone please explain to me this trend of people moving in together after like 2 months? I know so many people who do this, and then 5 months down the line they are shocked to find out X,Y,Z about their boyfriend. Um, yeh, because you barely know him!I know that there are situations where this works out, but I’m seeing most of the time it doesn’t. I just can’t imagine moving in with someone so quickly!
I am SO with you. This was my question, too. How can you POSSIBLY give up your independence for someone you barely know? And I actually got engaged after knowing my (now dh) for only a couple of months…but we never lived together, and we didn’t get married until a year and a half after our engagement…in fact, it was almost 2 years.
The engagement gave us the security that we both were committed for the long-haul (while having an out) and the fact that we DIDN’T live together gave us the personal independence to make sure that the marriage was, in fact, the right thing.
FWIW, we’ve been very happily married for 21 years…
I have this completely rational irrational fear that every man I know/date could be a con man/serial killer (I blame all my issues on 48 hours mystery), so i really don’t get how someone could move in with another person so quickly
Yeah, I have no idea. We dated 4 years before we moved in together. Thats 6 times longer than the LW…
Well my husband and I moved in together before we were even together! Well, we were actually roommates – I needed a roommate and I didn’t want the drama of living with another woman and he came with good recommendations so I wasn’t too worried (plus I went to school with his younger brother). And at the time I had a young daughter. I wasn’t looking for something at all…it just kind of happened after a few months. I’m not saying it was a smart move but it worked out for us (we were also really young). We’ve been married for 14 years next month!
Anyway – I think this LW used the guy and I feel sorry for him. She should maybe try living alone and figuring herself out before committing to her x again. Just because they realize they still love each other doesn’t mean all the problems they had have vanished…they will still be there and rear their ugly head(s) eventually.
Rangerchic I think you might be the exception to the rule! What a great story by the way.
Thanks!
Ha! The same thing happened to me. My husband and I were good friends for several years, became roommates, and six months later ended up dating. We’ve been together for 12 years now. The key to that, though, is that I already knew him well, and I think Rangerchic at least knew her guy by reputation.
That’s exactly it — you started off platonic, as roommates, not moving in with someone out of loooooove (eye roll) in a split second. There’s a huge difference there.
I think people in their late teens to early 20’s really want to pretend to be on their own, and move out, but can’t afford to so they say fuck it, and move in with their so, because they also think they are soooo much in love.
Agree! I remember at 18 or so wanting to move out sooo badly it was killing me….ya know because my parents didn’t know anything whatsoever. Ugh. I think my oldest daughter has a much better head on her shoulders at 17 and a senior in HS then I did at 20. She is going to stay home for her first year of college – I wish I had been smarter about it!
WBS.
Yeah, it’s a total crapshoot moving in that early. I moved in with my ex after about 7 months or so, obviously that didn’t work out. Then I moved in with my now-husband after 4 months (and even as I was doing that I was like, man this is SUCH a stupid idea), and that did work out. Basically if you’re going to do that just acknowledge there’s at best a 40% chance it won’t end in an awkward apartment standoff where he steals your shower curtain.
Who steals shower curtains? That’s almost as bad as stealing toilet seats.
I’m an exception to the rule. Back in March of 08, my new boyfriend and I lived 3 hours apart. He was driving up friday night to see me and back home sunday night. Gas was at an all-time high! I didn’t have any reason to stay in my hometown, I was 19 but had already been living on my own for 2 years (moved out a week after graduation). So after 5 months when he asked me to move in, I did. We’ve been married for a year. I realize that we are the exception though and I wouldn’t recommend it for most people.
I’m glad it worked out for you Jiggs and lemongrass!
Thanks! You too!
I am 22, I moved out of my parents house after high school and lived on my own. Then, I met this guy and things progressed REALLY quickly. We moved in together after about 3 months. Now, I would not recommend that to other people and if I could go back and do it again, I would have waited. However, he is now my fiance and we are still together (coming up on 4 years together). So it CAN work for some people, but it’s definitely risky. Just thought I’d put my experience out there.
“He is grossly hairy EVERYWHERE, he is poorly educated, lacks common sense, is extremely clingy and he has halitosis. I didn’t catch on to these things until after he moved in.”
Nooooo, noooooooooooo. NOOO. Why is this even a sentence (two sentences)?? LW, just tell him things aren’t working out. And I agree with Wendy– don’t do the “but we can still be friends!” thing. This dude isn’t even gonna want to be your friend, trust me.
Pretty sure the letter writer is choosing to see a lot of bad things in order to justify her choices to herself and to us.
I got that impression too. All she needed to say is I started dating this guy after my ex and I broke up. Unfortuntaly, I’m just not feeling it anymore and want to let him down gently. How do I do that?
I’m fairly certain we would respond a lot different if she didn’t bash this poor boy.
Oh, I’m sure that’s what it is– I just wish some LWs would read over their letters sometimes. “I didn’t realize how disgustingly unattractive this man was until after we already moved in together. Anyway, how do I dump him?”
I’m pretty sure the letter writer is a troll.
Sometimes I expect (hope) that 50% of the letters posted here are really people being really, really convincing trolls.
tell us how you really feel, LW
Wow, how desperate was the LW that she would date a yeti to avoid getting over her ex???
And – newsflash LW – you’re still immature.
WSQS.
So true! She’s so immature! God knows women don’t EVER have any fucking nasty body hair issues or fucking furry man arms with nasty growth on them. Thank God, I now know I can be a fucking CUNT to them about of it whenever I feel in the mood. Can’t wait till I run across that next woman-stach at the mall.
This letter just made me sad. LW, not only did you choose to date someong “gross” immediately, but as someone who was used by her boyfriend for the entire last year of my relationship with him, I think your actions are incredibly selfish. Maybe he knows where this relationship is headed (I’d be shocked if he didn’t), but I think people deserve better that someone who picks a partner just because they want ANY partner. Even “gross” people deserve the respect of not being used; someone somewhere won’t find him repulsive.
As for staying his friend — WHY? You think he’s dumb and disgusting. Just let him go.
The question of how to break up with someone who you are no longer attracted to in the best way possible is a valid one but come on LW did you really need to list out all his bad qualities and rip on him through the whole letter. A simple “How do I best break up with a boyfriend I am no longer into” would have sufficed. I’m quite worried about your break up speech delivery because you seriously lack tact
Great advice, Wendy!
Although if I had to guess, this LW is going to listen to absolutely none of it. I bet she breaks up with the current boyfriend but keeps the poor guy on the hook. “I don’t know what I’m feeling! I just need space! I’m so overwhelmed! But you’ll still be my friend through all of this, right? I love you and I need you!” Then she moves out and moves directly in with the exboyfriend, because, of course, that’s just easy instead of finding her own place. Then she’ll keep texting this guy through it all. And her and the exboyfriend will start fighting and being immature again. And she’ll be leaning on the guy she’s seeing right now for support. All until she meets someone new and leaves both of them for that guy. Who won’t be any better.
I really hate to say you’re probably right. This is definitely a case of “you need to freaking be single for a while, yo”
Although to be fair to 6NapkinBurger’s point, there have been plenty of times where I was on the brink of making a bad choice, could see the whole train-wreck of a scenario play out in front of me just like I wrote here, and then I went ahead and made the bad decision anyway. So who am I to judge?
Goodness, grown some cojones and tell him it’s over! Gah.
Don’t tell him all the terrible things you listed here (which, btw, how did you not know about him being hairy or having bad breath before living together…what?) simply tell him you’ve grown apart and that you’ll be moving out. You’re not going to be friends with this dude so don’t fake it.
Also I’m pretty sure he knows that a break up is coming if you’re sleeping on the couch and not having sex. Just saying.
Am I the last person to learn what “halitosis” means? I swear I have the vocabulary of a 10 year old – except those 10 year olds who know what “halitosis” means. HEY YOU GUYZ – I blew my knee out dancing last night. FML. Also, today is picture day at work and I have a huge zit that not even toothpaste could cure. Waaaa. And this LW thinks *she* has problems! Except other than a bad knee and hugeass blemish, I am good. Life is beautiful! Love love love bad knees and love love love zit and love love, that’s life.
Oh and here’s my advice to the LW: Follow your heart and stop using your brain, and everything will work out beautifully, I promise!!!
I think she already did that…
Love has really turned you into a poor advice giver 🙂
Sorry about your knee! It’s probably due to your lack of Bikram! hehehe
Yes and yes. No one should take advice from me for the foreseeable future.
But, I did make a Bikram come back. You’ll be happy to know I’ve been twice in the last two weeks. It’s no 65 days in a row, but it’s something! And I’m going tonight. Green Yoga Bag is in my car and ready to go.
That’s great! I aim for a minimum of once a week- sometimes up to 3x/wk, and that seems to work really well for me. I just don’t have the time/energy/$$ to go more than that!
See, I think that’s perfect. That’s a great balance – something you can keep up forever and you’ll be better off. The problem with my “all or nothing” tendancies is (a) it’s impossible to keep up the “all” tendancy – 65 days in a row is cool (toot toot) but come on, I can’t keep that up – i’d die, and get fired b/c it’s impossible to do good work and spend devote that much time to yoga; and (b) so I just end up doing nothing and that’s not good.
I didn’t know what halitosis was either. I thought it was some kind of skin condition. Good thing I want to be a doctor
Two words: Mario Bascescu drying lotion, drying cream and buffering lotion. Miracle workers.
I had a period after Mario Badescu that managed to disappear, so that made more sense originally.
Seriously Addie, when I started using their line, my skin went from eh to amazing after going off of birth control. If I skip even one night of washing my face or using it, i break out, but if I don’t, it’s fantastic. It’s a little more expensive than drug store, but not so expensive as department store, so it make a nice compromise. I recommend their facewash and toners too. (It’s like $12 for a fairly large bottle of cleanser and like $20 for a very large bottle of toner — neither of which I am anywhere near finishing — two cleansers are usually the best — one for acne stuff and one for everyday. I seriously can’t recommend it enough.)
Thanks I’ll try it!
I’ve used just the drying lotion and I just want to second the recommendation!!
Just trying to be realistic, here – you still sound pretty emotionally immature. You got with this new guy very shortly after you and your ex broke up, and now you’ve been living with him for four months you’ve realized you don’t like him at all, and here comes your magical awesome ex and you just now realize you should break up with this other guy – not because you’re being horrendously unfair to him by staying with him even though you have no feelings for him, shattering his self-esteem one day at a time, but because you want to get back with your ex.
Please, I’m not doubting when you say that you ex is the love of your life, but please break up with your current boyfriend and spend some time not being in a relationship. Like, give yourself a year to just not be with anyone seriously. Give yourself some time to amotionally mature. You owe it to yourself, and to the love of your life, whether that ends up being your ex or someone else.
How did the LW not pick up on any of those things before moving in? Nearly all of them are things you would or at least should know about someone beforehand. I suspect she did know them, but had blinders on, or else she just grabbed some guy off the street and moved in with him.
You want to let him down gently and you want to stay friends, huh? I think the main thing you want is to avoid feeling like a jerk. And that’s reasonable. Who wants to feel like a jerk? Nobody, that’s who.
But guess what? Trying to stay friends with someone you find repulsive and are about to leave for your ex makes you an even bigger jerk than dating someone you find repulsive and are about to leave for your ex. So don’t be a jerk. Make a clean break. Tell him very clearly, “Hey, this isn’t working out and I am ending it,” and move out.
He might be angry. He might be sad. He’s allowed to feel both of those things. But guess what? You pulled off the band-aid, and it’s over and done with. He’ll get over you (really!) and you can go back to whatever makes you really happy, after having felt like a jerk for a little while. Feeling like a jerk sucks, but you will feel better about it faster knowing you avoided poking this guy in the wound after tearing off the band-aid, and knowing that you will avoid being that brand of jerk in the future.
kind version: I second and third the vote for getting some alone time and figuring your shit out.
less kind/WTF version: you have lived with a man you decided you loathe for 2 months, and now that ex-bf is back you are finally going to jump ship. you sound terribly immature and are basically a shitty person for stringing someone along and pretending to love them. Really – it’s one of the worst things you can do to another person and I hope karma comes back and bites you in the ass. You sound superficial and co-dependent since you obviously can’t be alone for 5 minutes and would rather sleep on a hairy, smell, uneducated, loser with no common sense’s couch than be alone. Good thing your ex called to yell JUMP so you could yell HOW HIGH with little to no thought at all as to how little respect you are showing yourself and others. Don’t think LW – just go back to “the love of your life” and ignore the fact that over a year has passed and you have been using someone else for months. Well done. I’m sure it will all work out so well for you.
I like version 2. 🙂
Thank you! It’s hard to be kind to someone who clearly sucks and sees nothing wrong with the way she is treating her boyfriend. 😉
LW, I think you still are immature right now, and not just emotionally if that is the way you are going to talk about your current boyfriend just so you have an excuse to break with him and be with your ex. You need to be on your own, and stop making these rash decisions without putting any thought into it at all. Like some people said take some time for yourself, your ex will understand if he really is in love with you. Oh and don’t try to be friends with your boyfriend after you break up, you are definitely going to tell your friends about how gross he is, so why have him around if they are just probably going to laugh at him, and make fun of him behind his back.
“He is grossly hairy EVERYWHERE, he is poorly educated, lacks common sense…”.
Okay, that last part is true. I know this because he moved in with someone he barely knew.
Honestly, the most alarming thing in the letter is that the guy is “quite a bit younger” than LW. Either he’s fifteen, or she’s a late twenties-thirtysomething who thinks, acts, writes and flits through life like a twenty year old.
Also, “sweet and good to me” means “buys me stuff”. Let’s be honest.
So, you think he’s going to be “crushed.” Get over yourself. LW, you’re emotionally and sexually unavailable, have been sleeping on the couch for a month and are repulsed by the guy. It doesn’t matter how hot you are, he’ll probably throw a damn party when you break up with him.
Bad DW community, Bad!!
I think we might need to take a collective sniff of our poo and realize that these LWs aren’t mystical horrible people — they’re real. And ususally, they’re us!
Imagine this — you date the love of your life for 3 years. You aren’t sure if its right so you break up. You do what you’re supposed to — you go out with friends, you join a gym, you get a new haircut, you join a pottery class. You are woman and you are roaring. At the pottery class, there’s a nice guy. You flirt. After three classes he buys you a coffee. After three coffee dates, he kisses you. It’s nice — you feel like you aren’t broken anymore and you begin to like him. You date for a while and get to like him more and more, and you love that he loves you — it makes you feel warm and happy and safe. And you like him — he’s funny. You’ve basically stopped thinking about your ex and you wonder if this safe happy feeling is the feeling you’re supposed to have — it isn’t drama and it isn’t complicated — maybe this is what love is, not the emotional rollercoaster you had before. Your lease is up, he mentions moving in. He mentions it again and again and gets sad when you start looking for apartments. He says that if you aren’t moving forward you’re moving backwards, and he wants to move forwards with you. You understand the logic of that and figure that he’s right. Ok, it’s just moving in — it isn’t marriage and you are moving on with your life. You move in ; you are moving on.
BOOM. Email from the ex — saying that he loves you, he misses you, that he can’t imagine a life without you, that he’s sorry and that he never wants to be apart. Your stomach drops because you realize that as much as you thought you had gotten over him, you hadn’t and as much as you thought you had moved on, you didn’t. You walk around with this lump in your chest and this feeling in your gut and you look at your boyfriend. He’s so sweet but now you realize that you can’t imagine spending the rest of your life with him — the hair, the dumb comments… you begin to resent everything about him and hate yourself for doing so because you know it isn’t his fault. It isn’t his fault that you were wrong about being over the ex and it isn’t his fault that you just don’t love him enough. So your heart breaks for him and yet your skin crawls when he speaks and you hate yourself for it. You know what you want and you know what you should do, but how do you do it? What can you say that won’t unnecessarily hurt him? So you write into a supportive advice site.
And then you get ripped to shreds as if everything you did was purposeful, malicious and immature? Come on guys, we’re better than that!
Agreed. I was surprised at the amount of vitriol. She made some not great decisions and doesn’t seem very introspective, but I don’t think she deserves this pile-on.
“However, two months ago I began feeling smothered and I’m extremely unattracted to him now. ”
“We haven’t slept together in over a month and I sleep on the couch.”
“About a week ago my ex began emailing me again. “
Ok fair enough, I didn’t read the timeline that carefully. But then it is even better, she realized she didn’t like him enough before the ex came into the picture! Remember how we all used to say that “not liking someone anymore” was a good enough reason to break up with the and, how it didn’t make you a bad person? She’s doing that! So many couples move in together and realize that they aren’t meant to be together — it isn’t a sign of immaturity; its a sign of incompatibility. I think the rest of my point still stands.
But she didnt not like him, she´s grossed out by him, and his hair, and his breath, and, and…
That´s what bugged me, (and a lot of others apparently)
And you don’t read that as not liking him? (more jok-y than accusatory)
I just don’t understand why it all has to show up in the letter. I mean, she had to have liked him a little bit at the beginning. He’s probably a nice guy. She could’ve been a lot more compassionate and reflective in her writing.
We just see this letter completely differently.
That is what really bugged me too. It wasn’t that she realized they weren’t right for each other but it was more of he’s not good enough for me, not because he doesn’t try or treat me right but because he’s gross.
Nobody’s saying she shouldn’t break up with him. We’re saying stringing him along and using the shit out of him for the last month or two until a better offer came along was a really shitty thing to do to another person. And then the gall of trying to maintain a “friendship” with someone she doesn’t like or respect…ugh. That letter is top-to bottom Ugh.
Ok, if the issue is with her behavior the last month or so, I can get that. But some people seem to think she was using him the entire time, and I just don’t think that’s fair.
The woman you describe in your letter, though, is compassionate. While she sees the hair and the breath and the comments, she also realizes that this guy cares about her. That he’s kind. That if she were in a different place, she’d be able to love him.
So when she writes into an advice column, she doesn’t bash him. She doesn’t point out all the awful things about him. She says “I’m not over my ex. I want to get back together with him. I don’t know how to let this guy down–this great guy who just isn’t right for me.”
Then the community’s response would be one of compassion and understanding. But this LW, while she might not have intended to, comes across as mean and malicious.
Totally disagree! Why should she lie in the letter? Why can’t she be honest about it? Why can’t she talk about the hair and the breath AND his kindness, like this LW does? Why should she censor herself to make her seem nicer — why can’t she be honest when the truth doesn’t make her a bad person?
Well, you asked us to put ourselves in the LW’s shoes – and I can’t speak for everyone else, but I think if I were in the LW’s shoes, even in the very compassionately-worded way you put it, I still would not include the halitosis, hair, lack of education and general gross-out-ness in my letter to the supportive advice site.
“What can you say that won’t unnecessarily hurt him?”
Well, if you don’t want to unnecessarily hurt him, you definitely can’t say he’s hairy, gross, stupid and clingy. If you weren’t going to say that to him in the breakup speech, then you shouldn’t include it in the letter asking for help with your breakup speech. Honesty is saying “I’m unattracted to him.” Needless criticism is saying “He’s so gross I can’t even sleep in the same bed with him.”
She didn’t need to justify to us that her BF was worth breaking up with, but it feels like that’s what she tried to do: lay out her reasons, so we could all go “Ewwww, I would dump a guy like that too!” She didn’t include any of that to get help, just validation, and in turn made herself look like a shallow and bitchy person.
This!
Like I said, I would have responded a lot differently if the tone of the letter was different. But it wasn’t. I’m empathetic. But it’s a two way street. I don’t respond well to people who don’t seem empathetic in the least. Or who seem mean spirited.
Gee, I simply can’t wait till we get a letter from some honest guy who has fallen in love with HIS ex and simply can’t WAIT to get away from his nasty current with her hideous dragon breath, her stomach churning overgrown jungle of a snatch and those sagging puny little lumps she calls tits…
Cuz then will see just how much of a fan you are for such so called honesty…
Plus, I don’t think she’s bashing him — she’s explaining her feelings towards him in honest terms. Sometimes the truth isn’t very nice, but she isn’t telling him this or publically mocking him, its anynonomous, its the internet and chances are, its a community she feels safe in. You’ve never said “this makes me sound like a horrible person but…” when talking about a real issue with a good friend? If it was gossip, that’s bad, but when its the truth that you are trying to figure out how to handle, there’s no way around it.
No, she’s trashing him and basically saying he is in no way her type. This raises the question: why did she get together with him in the first place and having gotten to know him, decided to move in with him? Also, after deciding that he totally repulsed her and had no redeeming qualities other than treating her very well, did she continue to live with him in a distinctly non-gf capacity for another month or two? I think the responder who said treated her well = buys her things and likely gives her free housing has put her finger on the explanation. LW needed a place to stay or couldn’t bear to be alone, so she leaned on (used) her current bf. Now she has a place to go — back to her ex, and the present living arrangement is unsatisfactory.
YES! The person desrcribed by 6nb is vastly different than the person who comes across in the actual letter. And that is what people are responding to. There is no need to list all of the current boyfriend’s horrible qualities. And she is only deciding to really move on from him after she has another lined up. She is using this person who she said she can’t even stand.
It is one thing to decide you moved to quickly, need to pull back and just aren’t in to someone anymore. It is quite another to decide you can’t stand him, stick with him and as soon as something better comes along, break his heart.
But have you ever lived with anyone and broken up (not like, towards you ktfran accustorily, but rhetorically). I have. It takes a long time to figure out if what you’re feeling is enough to warrant breaking up the relationship or if its a phase or not as bad as you think. There’s a lot at stake — or at least it feels like it. That’s one of the reasons people caution you not to live together before a serious commitment and after a lot of thought — it is much easier to stay together than break up once you live together, even if you aren’t actually happy. It took me months to realize I really wanted to break up with my live in boyfriend and that the issues weren’t just “the issues that every couple faces” and “nobody’s perfect” type things. And if you asked my ex, I don’t think he’d say that I was using him during that time or that I was “sticking with him in case something better came along” but really just trying to figure out my feelings and our issues.
I totally see what you’re saying. And yes, I have stayed in relationships too long because I didn’t understand what I was feeling, or why something was off.
Idk. Honestly, the tone of the letter rubbed me the wrong way. It just did. It’s hard for me to see it the way you describe when it’s written the way it is.
I understand where you are coming from – but once you’ve moved to the couch because your repulsed by your significant other the jig is up. And they aren’t broken up… she’s shitting all over him in their house that they share together.
I understand a rebound, and even bad/immature decisions. But, I can’t make excuses for someone who has lived with someone they described as LOATHING for 2 months. That’s not uncertainty or figuring this out, as you reference in your personal experience, that’s using someone for a place to crash while pretending they still have a change when you are repulsed by them — and is the very definition of cruel.
* pretending they still have a CHANCE.
Sorry. This LW just doesn’t come off like she has an ounce of compassion, and it could end up doing terrible things to this “sweet and good to me” man’s self-esteem and ability to trust.
I think she’s one of those people who writes in looking for validation. “Of course you have to break up with this guy! He’s clingy! He’s hairy and stupid! He has bad breath!” She wants to be told it’s okay to ditch this “sweet” guy, especially since she’s got a replacement (and not just any replacement – the love of her life!) lined up already. She wants someone to absolve her of guilt from the pain she’s going to cause, not realizing that she’s already causing pain – I’m sure he can feel her contempt.
I don’t think she’s doing any of this consciously because I doubt she’s been very honest with herself about her motivations, but she’s writing her own romance here – the heroine doesn’t hurt people, the heroine is bravely suffering the attentions of the bear while waiting for her true love to realize the mistake he’s made. The heroine writes in to an advice column, see how much she agonizes over her decision? She just doesn’t want to be cast as the bad guy in anyone else’s story, and she needs to realize that sometimes when we do what’s right for us, we might cause other people temporary pain.
Very well put, that’s what I thought too when I read the letter.
Um, pathetically and desperately (oh, and selfishly) seeking validation doesn’t exactly excuse somebody from describing somebody else in such vicious, terms where you rip somebody apart for what are merely your own perceived flaws and imperfections about that person. I’m sorry, it just doesn’t. But this was perhaps one of the more interesting attempts as excuse making I’ve seen in quite some time…
PS: Nobody wants to be cast as the bad guy. A great way to avoid doing so is to simply avoid doing everything you can to be one…
I don’t know if you’ll see this since it was a while ago, but just to be clear, I wasn’t defending her actions. I was analyzing her possible motivations and trying to get a better grasp on her character, such as it is. I don’t actually go around calling people cunts when I don’t approve of their behavior. I’ve found it to be less productive in the long run.
One more thing that’s bugging me: you say “describing somebody else in such vicious, terms where you rip somebody apart for what are merely your own perceived flaws and imperfections about that person” like it’s something you don’t approve of when that is quite literally the bulk of what you do here. Please do some soul-searching.
I think the kind thing to do is to not date someone you don’t find attractive.
Maybe she was so heartbroken and desperately wanted someone to move onto she grabbed the first guy that would have her, but that’s not an excuse.
I can’t think of anything more cruel than being with someone who doesn’t find you attractive, much less disgusting.
You know 6napkin, I have been this LW. Not for the extent of time, or exclusivity she is. But after a LONG rough MOA process from my ex/’love of my life’ the first guy to seriously ‘look good on paper’ AND who wanted me wasn’t someone I was instantly attracted to. I didn’t even know if he was straight at first until he called me to ask me out on a date and phrased it as such. It felt SO GOOD to be wanted/pursued that I focused on him and how good it felt that he liked me rather than whether or not I actually liked him for who he was. Now looking back it feels so shallow to admit. And hollow and gross to phrase it like this, but thats how it was. I liked being liked. Our first date went ok, even though now I see how I was forcing myself to quiet my doubts and focus on well getting tipsy enough to enjoy his prescence and how good it felt to know someone liked me more than Iiked him, thus putting ME in control. Control was something I never felt with the ex…Also, I declined his attempt to kiss me by saying I never kiss on the first date. A blatant lie because I have in the past kissed, taken men home, had ONS from first dates…I just didn’t want to kiss him. Shoulda listened and declined that 2nd date where I knew I would have to kiss him.
Our 2nd date, I seriously was drunk for almost the entire 10 hr date (lunch picnic, happy hour, dinner–this took about that much time and I was drunk for 90% of it) And during this date he started making ‘long term’ statements like well in the fall, we can do this… (it was early summer) i was thrilled to pieces that someone liked me enough to want me around that long…ya know. I hate to make excuses but I really do think i’d lost so much self esteem in my breakup that I should be thankful someone liked me and just ‘get over’ whatever hesitations I had and go on with it. he was so charming and nice and thoughtful and clearly thought I was extra special, what was there to not like?!
Well, then came the third date and I just couldnt drink my ‘usual date with him amount’ and started to feel genuine repulsion for him and his sloppy attempts to kiss me. Then when we went back to my place since he had his car there and couldn’t drive home although I wished he would have since my skin started to crawl at his attempts to ‘seduce’ me and I literally jumped back when he tried to kiss me again and spent the night on my sofa. The next day he wanted to cuddle and i begrudgingly accepted and have never felt so grossed out in my life.
So all in all we did NOT go out after this disasterous date and I did speak of him in very unflattering terms to my friends, but I still kept him as a facebook friend and we occasionally chat once in a while. So, yes in regard to my story I do see the LW’s side. BUT for me, it became pretty apparent as soon as the intimacy grew. i don’t see how it could go on for so long, to the part of living together for the lw to realize it based SOLELY on physical attributes.
I tend to go the nice route, often no matter what, but the writing in this letter bothered me (& I think everyone else) There’s just not even a flicker of reflection on her decisions.
I can say i’ve been in a really similar situation to the LW and I don’t think I handled the situation the best but if I was writing in to an advice columnist about (where I was no longer attracted to someone I was dating I probably dated him way too much as a rebound) him I wouldn’t have felt the need to describe out all his flaws. Most LWs try to spin the story to make themselves look good and I can appreciate that this one didn’t but she just seems to be a bit nasty.
What I was trying to say, which didn’t come out well in the comment was I don’t think most of us are reacting badly to her situation (most can probably identify with breaking up with someone we are no longer into) but it’s her tone that’s the problem
I think I just understand the need to list them. Like, “and suddenly every little thing he does bothers me: the sounds of his chewing, the way he always gets the floor wet after he showers, etc” as a descriptive way to show the way she is currently FEELING. Like, the way she lists it, we can kind of see him and we can see her shuddering at his touch. And maybe that’s the point, we don’t like her for responding to a nice guy like that. But she does.
And I guess, it may be mean, but who cares, for the purposes of the letter and the advice? People keep saying that if she worded it differently, they would be nicer, but why does everyone care how she worded it so much? (not to mention that wendy edits them to make them shorter, so the LWs can sometimes come out curter than they really were). If the scenario is the same and her feelings are the same and you can sympathize with her feelings and her situation, why does everyone care that she was blunt in her description– enough to change the advice you’d give her.
Because the tone speaks to her maturity level. She says her and her exboyfriend broke up because they were both emotionally immature. And that she now knows he’s the love of her life becuase they’ve both grown so much in the past year. But the tone of the letter doesn’t sound like someone who is emotionally mature enough to deal with these issues at all.
Just because you can create a scenario where this happens doesn’t make it right.
She used this guy, and she’s treating him like crap. She deserves to hear the truth about what she’s doing.
I also don’t believe she was intentionally using him the whole time. And for the past 2 months, she has probably been trying to wrap her head around her sudden change of heart. I think the ex is the catalyst she needed to actually get the hell out.
And I, too, know the feeling of thinking you like someone a really lot and then suddenly finding them kind of…unappealing. Gross, if you will. But she really could have worded it differently! (And it’s hard to resist the urge to criticize her moving in so quickly – she could have realized his “bad” qualities within the same timeline even without moving in, and then she wouldn’t be in this pickle).
P.S. I just ordered my OFFICIAL DW MOA MUG!!! I can’t wait to use it!
I think you KNOW, even if you won’t admit it aloud, if you’d take your ex back if the opportunity presented itself. And if you feel this way, you shouldn’t be dating someone seriously enough to move in with them. I’m guess LW wasn’t in complete shock that she is still in love with her ex.
That would make for a great lifetime movie, or a movie where the ex is John Cusack but this women in your version definitely is not the same women as the letter writer.
I’d be totally on board with your assesment if the LW had written what you wrote and explained it the way you did. But she didn’t. She wrote that she was grossed out by him. That he’s hairy in ALL CAPS. And it doesn’t sound like she took any time to herself to be super awesome single woman like you wrote. She said they started dating almost immidiately. I didn’t take this as I met him almost immidiately after, started talking, went on a few dates, and then became official months later. It sounds like they became official and exclusive immidiately after. Which signals the need for codependence.
I agree with you 6napkin. I think we can sometimes read too much into letter and I think calling out this LW as a horrible person is an example of that. Pat Benetar said it best, Love is a Battlefield. You risk getting dumped every time you date someone, and dating is a process that almost always ends. It’s painful, but adults know the stakes, and if the stakes are worth it to you, then you play. This guy is a grown adult. And while the LW made some poor/insensitive word choices in her letter, I don’t think changing your mind about someone makes you horrible. Not everyone expresses themselves super well in writing. And I can imagine that living with someone you’re no longer attracted to would feel very uncomfortable, and I’m willing to give her the benefit of the doubt that she was just venting and/or trying to make her feelings more justified.
I was kind of torn between the nasty (and seemingly unnecessary) things she said about the boyfriend, and thinking that she didn’t intentionally use him, that she was just going through a rough time in her life, etc.
I think people generally don’t intentionally cause others pain, but I also tend to think a person’s measure of self-awareness says far more about his or her character than his or her intentions. Granted, being self-aware isn’t easy, especially during times of turmoil, but I think this LW does need a reality check. She needs to hear that her lack of self-awareness is the reason she’s in this mess. So I guess my final thought on this is that her words and actions reflect a serious lack of self-awareness and immaturity; she may not BE malicious, but she certainly acted that way.
WTMS, seriously.
yay! 🙂
“…Well, I’d leave out the part about how you aren’t attracted to him at all and how he has bad breath and you think he’s poorly educated and he grosses you out.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Oh, I’m sorry, you were looking for serious advice. Yes, do try to spare the poor hairy beast you thought was boyfriend material when nobody more attractive was around. And maybe learn how to treat rebounds like they’re remotely human, next time.
How in the world could this guy think you are still into him when you aren’t sleeping with him and you are sleeping on the couch?! Is he blind in addition to the list of undesirable qualities you’ve already listed?!
If this guy doesn’t see this break up coming, then there is something seriously wrong with him. He is probably just waiting for you to say the words. So do it like this, “I’m so sorry, you are a nice guy, but you aren’t the guy for me; we’re going to have to break up now.”
Good point, Bossy Italian Wife. People often don’t give their partners credit for being able to see the flaws in a relationship. If LW can see them, I’m pretty sure her partner can too.
Interestingly enough, it appears that HE moved in with HER, not her with him (“I didn’t catch on to these things until after he moved in”). And yet she’s now sleeping on the couch to get away from him. This rather changes the complexion of the issue. Suddenly he appears to be the creepy one who’s insinuating himself into her life, not the other way around.
LW simply needs to sit down with her younger man and say, “Hey, I’m really sorry, but this just isn’t working. I thought we could live together, but it’s been pretty evident from the start that it wasn’t going to work, and now I’m sleeping on the couch in my own home. I’d like you to move out and give us both some space to reassess our relationship.” The ex doesn’t need to come into it.
Oh, and perhaps LW should stop moving in with guys until she has a proper understanding of them and their relationship? Just a thought…
I call shenanigans.
Oh my, I just reread it and I think you might be right.
I’m just not buying it. If you don’t notice a hairy butt and halitosis until 8 months into the relationship then either something is truly wrong with you or you’re a troll.
It’s funny how we humans can subconsciously change the reality that we perceive in order to make our lives and decisions make more sense for us. LW- I don’t think you suddenly realized that your current boyfriend is “grossly hairy EVERYWHERE, he is poorly educated, lacks common sense, is extremely clingy and he has halitosis”, among other terrible things, because you started living together. You suddenly realized all of those things because your ex is now a viable option, you’d rather be with him, but you would feel more justified dumping your boyfriend if you had more reasons than just wanting to be with your ex. But here’s the thing; you don’t need them. Wanting to be with someone else is plenty reason enough to dump someone, if for no other reason than this guy deserves better than someone who wants to be with someone else. You don’t need to convince us, or yourself, that your current boyfriend is awful. If you want to be with someone else, then be with someone else.
Since you asked for how to dump him, I’d endorse the honest but not brutally honest path. Be diplomatic and as kind as possible without lying. Tell him you thought you were over your ex, but now you are discovering you aren’t and you’re sorry for wasting his time. Breaking up with someone humanely is a huge test of emotional maturity, so if you’ve grown as much as you think then you’ll be fine.
Alternative theory: your ex only looks amazing right now because you’re so unhappy with current guy.
Whatever’s happening LW, slow your roll. Move out of your current place and don’t jump into anything with your ex until you know it’s more than just fleeing a bad match, or misplaced nostalgia.
Wow, LW, you are a terrible person.
Listen, I am with 6NapkinBurger. Maybe I am also a terrible person or something, but I have definitely started dating a guy, been totally into it, then slowly over time (or maybe in one fell swoop if something big happens), realized that the guy I was dating was a TOTAL NIGHTMARE. I’ve seen the same guy through both lenses like you describe. One day I think he’s charming and fun, the next all I see is that he owns two cats but doesn’t own a vacuum, refuses to wear anything except one pair of Chuck Taylors, and slumps at the restaurant table looking like a 5-year-old child, all of which makes me so ragey that I want to beat him over the head. And all of a sudden all his bad qualities are magnified x20 and I can’t stand to be around him. Objectively he is a very nice guy and I’m sure he’ll make some woman very happy someday or whatever. I can think of at least 2 other guys I have dated where I had the same reaction. I thought they were great, or at least good enough for now and maybe could grow into great…. until I thought they were terrible. I’ve also had normal breakups and falling out of love scenarios, but I am also prone to this dramatic light switch style of attraction/revulsion.
I’m with the others who say that if your boyfriend has any brains in his head, he has figured out by your move to the couch that the relationship is over. Tell him that 1) this isn’t working out and has not been for the past 6 weeks, and 2) you heard from your ex last week and you’re going back to him. Let him know that you two are breaking up for your own reasons, not just because of the ex. But also tell him about the ex so he doesn’t hear it from someone else down the line and have to have a fresh hurt all over again.
And despite what the letter writers here say, you’re not a terrible person. You’re not the first person to stop liking a guy and have every little thing about him annoy you.
The problem is that she is making the issue about him when the issue is hers. It’s her lack of self-reflection that got her into this situation in the first place and she is going to turn around and make the same mistake because she doesn’t want to be alone. Assuming that the LW is in fact a real person and not a troll which I suspect.
I’m hoping for troll now too myself, but I agree with you Landygirl. It’s like she’s a passenger in her own life and isn’t taking any responsibility for her actions at all.
I get that folks on DW who may have been in similar circumstances might feel a little sensitive/defensive at what we are saying — but the LW describes a really great sweet guy, then describes him in the most callous and surperficials ways possible, and is already looking forward to her future with the ex because her world is all about her and other people’s feelings don’t seem to register. There’s good ways to end a relationship, bad/confusing ways to end a relationship, and then the crazy, lacking in self-awareness way that this LW is going about it.
Why does she want to be friends with someone who lacks common sense and has bad breathe!?! If she’s that excited to move on to get back with the guy — WHY DOESN’T SHE DO THAT? Unlike some of the experiences referenced by commenters — she isn’t confused or working through her feelings. She is grossed out, has been grossed out for half the time they have been living together, and just wasn’t going to do anything about it until her ex called. That’s what makes her terrible…
I am so relieved to read this comment. That’s happened to me before, and I didn’t know if it was “normal”.
FWIW – I’ve also experienced the “light switch style of attraction/revulsion”… but once the light switched was flipped, I acted on it. I could see giving yourself a weekend to think on it, or in the case of already living together making other arrangements in advance which may take some time, but to share his bed for a month and then move to the couch without officially breaking up just seems like such a mind-fuck.
I’m with you Watersedge. I don’t believe she did anything wrong until the last 2 months. And then, did she behave perfectly? Nope. Is it tacky to list all the things you find unattractive about him? Yup. But at the same time, I can see hoping the sudden revulsion you feel might flip back, since you obviously found him attractive at one point. Plus, moving out is not going to be a trip to the candy store so maybe you don’t want to be hasty about that.
I think you need to do exactly what Wendy said.
Yeah, I feel you. Its so hard to notice something as surface as body hair and bad breath when you’re just — you know — fucking. I mean, yeah, once you move in together — that’s when you see that. Look, I’d just break up with him and be done with it. Don’t worry, he probably has “noticed” a few things about you that he, somehow, missed before, too… You know, like how you’re a vapid, shallow, self absorbed, judgmental, oh, and hopelessly narcissistic cunt. Honestly, he probably so won’t be sorry to see you go.
Wow, that’s a very strong choice of words….
Agreed. I was ready to thumbs up the response until I read the c word. I think that should go on a list of words never to be uttered again. I actually decided not to date someone because he used that word.
Actually, I was so NOT the first person to use that word around here…
Didn’t say you were the first one, but that’s a pretty weak argument for saying something is okay. I think it’s 1) inappropriate and childish to call an LW (or pretty much anyone) names; and 2) crossing a major line to call someone that word. Talk about the LW’s behavior, not about her as a person.
Actually, Wendy once used that word in a response to a LW who was behavingly equally badly… And, frankly, to so blatantly USE somebody else and then publicly rip them to shreds just so you alone can feel better about your decision to dump them simply HAS to be the classic definition of that very word.
Those are indeed very strong words and uncalled for, in my opinion.
Anyway, the fact LW described her boyfriend as stupid, gross and clingy shows her own lack of education when she could have worded herself better. Also, she felt completely ok to justify her and her ex boyfriend immaturity but her current boyfriend’s (who is also younger than her) “immaturity” happens to be totally unacceptable.
It appears, that LW can dish but she can’t take.
I know that Wendy said it once. I still don’t think it was called for here. It’s possibly the strongest insult a person can use, and even though this LW may be immature, I don’t think she’s deserving of that sort of a slam on her character.
I don’t always agree with you but when I do, it’s wholeheartedly. Stay thirsty my friends.
I have another theory. LW had an abusive father or something like that, and is used to being treated poorly. Rebound boyfriend is a really nice dude, and she just cannot handle it. She has a fear of intimacy. Ex-BF is perhaps an abusive dude who subliminally reminds her of her nasty dad or something so it is what she knows and she subconsciously is trying to heal that relationship. She is not at the maturity level where she can appreciate a nice guy, so in fact, he REVOLTS her because of things that he cannot even control such as his hairy back, or whatever. I say, leave the nice boyfriend, but do not go back with the ex-boyfriend. Just don’t. He is most likely a douchebag and you are going through the cycle of abuse or whatever. Be single for a while. Get to know yourself and be happy on your own. Then when you are in a place where you can take or leave a relationship, only then will you be mature enough to attract and appreciate a nice decent guy.
Or, an equally plausible theory is just that the LW is smoking hot — and, therefore, the male world at large frequently proves itself to be simply desperate to put up with her bullshit…
Smoking hot usually doesn’t last through middle age. Usually, anyway (except in my case! JK!)…so it may take her that long to be appreciative.
I am pretty sure all of the bad things she mentioned about her boyfriend are excuses to dump him. You can tell about all of these things without moving with someone and LW you don’t need an excuse to dump someone.
I am getting a bad feeling that LW is one of those people who always end up having ugly break ups. Let’s hope she takes Wendy’s advice seriously.
I’m reminded of that song ’50 Ways to Leave Your Lover’.
Tell him the truth but don’t ever expect him to talk to you again or think of u as a good person. that is very horrible to treat a man or any other person like that. He may not be great but he has done things for you and really cares about u. Be honest with him and leave him alone. He will need time to heal from being used.
Sounds like the best thing to do would be to tell him the truth, at least that way he will not keep hoping that things will get better between the two of you. If you leave him without an explanation he will probably keep hoping and that is just cruel. On the other hand when it comes to ex boyfriends that can be a bit tricky. Make sure you go about it the right way! There are some books that can help a lot in this department. If you are interested check out that site has some reviews on the better ones. I have tried them and it helped me, I hope everything works out for you!
Gee. At 62, I’m in the same dilemma — except I’m wise enough not to be living with the boyfriend who does NOT have halitosis.
He’s fine. The current BF. He’s fun. And I do love him — just not the way I loved my ex.
People have been chided as egomaniacs when they say a breakup would crush him … but it would.
Damn the return of the ex.