“I’m Worried a Toothless Groomsman Will Ruin Our Wedding”
My fiancé, “John,” and I are in our early 30s and getting married in two months. John has been friends with his buddy “Justin” for years – since they were kids. Justin is an okay guy — kind of weird and a little transient/unfocused in his life, but a good guy overall and has been a good friend to my man which endears him to me. John would like to ask Justin to be one of his groomsman and potentially his best man. The problem? Justin has no teeth.
I don’t know the whole history here, but for whatever reason Justin has dentures. In fact, I didn’t even know about any of this for the first several years that I knew him because he always had them in and it was never mentioned. Then, one day, he came to one of our parties without them. I was able to suppress my shock at this and acted normally, not saying anything to him. After all, it’s none of my business and as I said, he’s a good guy.
I am generally a proponent of direct communication whenever possible, so when John said that he wanted Justin to be in the wedding, I was concerned about his lack of teeth and sent him a message telling him that we would love to have him in the wedding but that I would like him to wear his dentures. He replied that he would love to, but has lost them and cannot afford replacements. John has stated that he still wants him to be a groomsman despite this.
I am torn. On one hand, Justin is a good friend to my man and I’m a firm believer that this is his wedding too so I don’t want to go all Bridezilla and say no. On the other – he has NO TEETH and I’m not exactly going for the hillbilly look in my wedding theme. I know that it shouldn’t matter, that all that is important is that we are married at the end of the day and that we celebrated that with our loved ones, but another part of me cringes at the thought of his big, toothless grin in all of our wedding photos. How can I get over this shallow impulse? — His Teeth are Giving Me Grief
Oh, wow. You’re willing to tell your fiancé that his lifelong friend who, by your account has always been a great friend, can’t be his groomsman because you’re worried that your wedding theme will be messed up for a disfigurement he can’t afford to camouflage enough for your liking? Yeah, maybe Bridezilla isn’t the worst B-word you could be called for that kind of behavior.
I don’t even know what advice to give you except to be a better person than this. You ask me how you can get over your shallow impulse and I’m not sure you can. Maybe that’s a born trait you’re stuck with — a trait far worse than missing teeth, if you ask me — and that sure sucks. But the good news is that while you may HAVE the shallow impulse, you definitely don’t have to ACT on it. It sounds like you recognize that you’re being a shallow Bridezilla, so the next step is to say, “Self, that’s a really a really shallow thought. A close, lifelong friendship, my fiancé’s happiness and the feelings of a man whose biggest crime is not having a nice enough smile for my taste is at stake. Let’s just suck it up and carry on.”
It may not feel entirely comfortable. It may nag at you that your wedding isn’t just so, but you know what? Sometimes people deal with a little discomfort every once in a while for the sake of others. And guess what? They survive! And they realize that sucking it up and dealing with a little discomfort every once in a while is worth it for the greater good. It’s worth it to spare someone’s feelings, or to save a friendship, or you know, not feel like an an asshole.
On the other hand, you could always offer to buy your fiancé’s friend some new dentures. Just factor it into the cost of your non-hillbilly-themed wedding. It would certainly be a more unique groomsman gift than cufflinks he’ll never wear again.
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Eeeek… I think this response is a little harsh. The LW realizes she’s being shallow, which sucks, but, we’ve all been there. Unfortunately for the LW though, Wendy general message is right. He’s been a life long friend to your man, and if your fiance wants him in the wedding, he should definitely be in the wedding.
Quite frankly, my bigger concern right now is that “Justin” doesn’t have any dentures: I would think eating, etc. would be so difficult, and he’s probably already self-conscious. I think he handled your fb message very well… even though I support “direct communication,” that probably crossed the line.
If it doesn’t seem to bother him that he’s without teeth, it shouldn’t bother you. What if he were missing a limb? Would you require he wear a prosthetic?
I support Wendy’s response 150%.
I also give this guy’s friend a butt load of credit for non-chalantly rocking the pure gum look…I’d be mortified if I was him and didn’t have my dentures…but I guess if finances are an issue you have to buck it up sooner or later.
How do you lose dentures? I’m not being an ass, I just don’t see a scenario when one would lose track of ’em. LW, I get your angst, but I agree with Wendy. The good thing about wedding photos is that you can take a ton of them with all possible mixtures of people. If it’s anything like the weddings I’ve attended, there’s going to be a least a couple of standouts in the crowd anyway. The last wedding I was in as a bridesmaid, our dresses that were so pretty and appropriate in the store ended up plunging down to there by the end of the night. With three DD bridesmaids. Oops. And my conservative 70 year old mother decided to get bright pink highlights and stand up and take pictures when I walked down the aisle. My friends and I laugh about it now. Good luck!
Maybe something happened to them that cleaning wouldn’t fix, like they fell off the sink and into the toilet, or Justin’s dog ate them. Sometimes “lost” is an easier way to say “they were destroyed in a completely stupid way.” As a very accident-prone person, I do this a lot.
As someone who once had prosthetic teeth, they are extremely delicate. Sometimes they break from just simple wear and tear, and yes, Like Painted lady said- Dogs do tend to like to chew on them. Seriously.
I could see a situation where maybe they were broken or something – I had a roommate destroy a retainer because he left it soaking in the bathroom (in a container on the counter), and it got knocked down and broken. Or if the dentures didn’t fit well and were uncomfortable (which I hear can happen), he might not have worn them all the time and they could have been misplaced that way. Things happen.
LW, I think you need to view this disfigurement as any other unfortunate disfigurement. Would you disallow a person in a wheelchair? Someone with only one arm? Someone whose face had been scarred by burns? If this man was born, or somehow tragically lost, all of his teeth, he’s no different than someone else operating without all of their god-given body parts. I doubt you’d think disallowing a wheelchair-bound person was right, so why is this?
Also, it was EXTREMELY bad form to email your fiancee’s friend. If you were truly that concerned about your wedding photos being “ruined,” you could have at least asked your fiancee to kindly bring up the state and status of his dentures. Emailing him was petty, and I’m sure very embarrassing for him. How would you feel if someone emailed you, “Hi, I’d love for you to be in my wedding, but you have to lose 30 pounds first or else you’ll ruin my pictures,” or “Hey, I’d love to have you as a bridesmaid, but just be sure to strap on your fake leg, kay?”
Emailing him was inappropriate, embarrassing and tacky, and I imagine that if you can make that ill-informed decision to email your fiancees friend, then your wedding may have far more “tacky” issues in its future than some dude’s lack of teeth in your pictures.
I definitely think this should be something discussed in person, or at least over the phone! messaging someone to ask them to be in your wedding? How impersonal.
I agree with Wendy 110%. Your fiance’s friend should be included in your wedding. I understand where you are coming from, you’ll have these pictures for life. But if this guy has been his friend for the first part of your fiance’s life…chances are he’ll be a friend for life so he should be included. My guess would be he’s not going to smile with an open mouth anyways- so you won’t really be able to tell in the pictures he’s missing anything.
I’m actually surprised that your fiance isn’t upset at your for sending his friend an email. Shouldn’t that have been something you asked him to do? I would compare this to another physical ailment, would you feel the same way if you’re fiance’s friend had a facial disfigurement of some sort? Would you cringe at the thought of it showing up in your photos? If so you really need to check yourself. I mean is the worst thing that is ever going to happen to you be that your fiance’s friend looks less than perfect in your wedding photos? If it is be thankful that nothing else went wrong at your wedding or in your life.
And a side note I had NO idea how expensive dentures were until my Grandfather needed a new set. Crazy pricey and not covered by federal dental insurance surprisingly.
Hey, if he’s gummy smile messes up your perfect wedding pictures, there’s always photoshop right? In other words, let it go.
Buy him new dentures. Life without your dentures sucks, a grumpy wedding sucks, bitchiness sucks. Spend the money.
Okay. I… okay. Calm. Caaaaalm.
LW, the first thing you need to do here is apologize for being way, way, WAY out of line. To both your fiancé and ESPECIALLY his friend. You have been a completely rude and shallow bitch. And there is no other way to describe you.
Now before you try and defend yourself, you should know that this comment is coming from someone who has had dental problems all her life. Due to genetic reasons, I am missing my two lateral incisors. I have been missing teeth. My whole life. As a kid, I had a lumber pile in my mouth, and as a teen, I had braces. Right now, I wear a flipper retainer with fake teeth attached that I now refuse to remove in the company of others even though it prevents me from eating certain foods. You know why? Because I look like an eleven-year-old girl (though please feel free to substitute “beaver” or “hillbilly” here, since I’ve been called both). Because our culture is obsessed with perfectly straight, white teeth. Because of people, like you, who will stare or make rude, inconsiderate comments. While some people have found this flaw of mine rather interesting, others have literally SCREAMED when I have taken my retainer out.
Therefore, I have been self-conscious about my teeth and, more importantly, my smile MY ENTIRE LIFE. And I have zero doubts that your fiancé’s friend feels similarly. Zero doubts. I am floored at the patience and coolness he demonstrated in his response to you.
Besides, since when does someone have to show their teeth to smile? I did toothless smiles for fifteen years so I wouldn’t look like a freak, so proof RIGHT HERE that it’s perfectly acceptable. Did you ever once think of that? I’m sure he has.
So my advice? FREAKING APOLOGIZE AND GET OVER YOURSELF.
Honestly, This won’t show up in pictures at all. First off, the girls are in way more pictures then the guys. And most the time it is a large group that is far away. Thinking of my best man. There was one picture of him and the groom but we didn’t put it in the wedding album. Actually in all the pictures the groomsman in question kept his mouth shut looking debonaire. I wouldn’t worry about it. I think you are over analyzing.
Kudos to John for handling the situation with dignity. I am sure if I had been in his position, I would have been mortified after receiving an email (no matter how kindly worded) regarding a physical feature (be it weight, acne, or chronic bitch face). What did you think to accomplish with the email? John knows he doesn’t have teeth, and as you pointed out he wore dentures consistently and effectively for most of your acquaintance. Did you think a light would go off for me “hmm I have completely forgotten to wear them these last few months! I wondered why I was unable to eat hard substances.” My guess is that you do not want John in the wedding and his lack of teeth is just something physical to grab on to after all – between describing him as “okay” and “good guy” you also added that he is “kind of weird and a little transient/unfocused in his life”. I think that means he does not fit into the your imagined bridal party.
Since you have managed to put your foot in your mouth – I am sure John will work hard to either save money for replacement dentures and/or smile with his mouth closed since he knows that his lack of teeth is something that bothers you. Besides letting your fiance pick out the groomsmen he wants, you need to apologize to John for being insensitive.
Classic line: “Yeah, Bridezilla isn’t the only B-word for that kind of behavior.” Seriously, who cares? If your concern is that focus will shift from you to him, remind yourself of that line above. It’s like excluding someone because they’re missing an arm and the pictures will come off unbalanced. Have sympathy for the poor guy whose heart and friendship to your fiance means more than teeth…
I haven’t read the other comments yet, so sorry if I repeat, but I was just married, and I have to tell you, that someone not having teeth will NOT ruin anything. If you’re concerned about how it’s going to look in the pictures, keep in mind a few things:
1- Most guys don’t smile in pictures. His mouth will be closed- You won’t see anything.
2- A majority of your photos are going to be of you and your husband, you and your families- it’s not like this guy is going to be in all the pictures!
3- You can even let your photographer know about the tooth situation ahead of time, and maybe they can try to focus on only taking pictures where his mouth is closed.
What everyone else said, LW.
I mean, I get it, it’s your wedding, and you want this perfectly pristine, picture perfect wedding. I can understand how you would have that sudden impulse. I don’t necessarily think it makes you a bitch for just thinking those thoughts, after all, no one thinks sweet things about people all the time 24/7. That’s why they are our private thoughts.
Having said that, to actually say something about it is a bitch move. To actually take that action is very shallow, rude, and inconsiderate. You admitted that this guy is a decent person and a good friend. What more could you ask for? He’s seriously not pretty enough to be in your wedding? I’m not trying to berate you, I’m trying to get you to see how pitiful your behavior comes across.
Advice wise, get over it. If you make any more of a deal out of it, don’t be surprised if your fiancee ends up questioning the personality of the women he’s choosing to marry. Harsh, but just how I see it. At the very least, you should apologize, and accept that not every person you ever come across in your life or your fiancee’s will fit into a perfect cookie cutter ideal that you seem to have.
Don’t worry! There’s this thing called smiling with your mouth closed!
I wonder how one loses their dentures..oh wait! I have a friend (only in his thirties) who lost his dentures in the garbage at a fast paced restaurant! He never did find those suckers, but he did get replacements and those are the prettiest teeth I’ve ever seen!
that poor guy must be trying to get money to buy your denture to be at his friend’s wedding… i think he’s an amazing person for being polite and not telling you how shallow your petition was and show you class. as someone said above, apologize profusely to him and your boyfriend. i hope this turns to be a great opportunity to learn about empathy.
I can’t get past the concept of saying (or emailing) to a person….hey, you know that physical flaw about yourself that you can never forget and probably think about on a daily basis and would give just about anything to correct or not have to deal with? Yeah, everyone notices it and you should really do something about it. What an awful email that must have been to get. I once had a complete stranger (random teenage boy) yell at me from a passing car that I was ugly. I was probably about 14, and 18 years later….I still remember that. I still even think about it sometimes at my lowest moments. And that was just a stranger.
You need to apologize, immediately, and never mention it again. And you also need to do some pretty serious soul-searching. If you’re really THAT worried about your wedding pictures, just think–I’m sure most of the wedding photos you will display in your home will be of you and your husband, not of a groomsman, so what does it really matter? I honestly can’t believe your fiance isn’t pissed.
just curious, but is being a groomsman as expensive as being a bridesmaid? because if so, he may not be able to afford to be in your wedding since he can’t afford to replace his dentures
As someone with bonafide hillbilly lineage, I take offense at the idea that all it takes is someone without teeth to make it a hillbilly wedding! There’s a lot more to it than that! But seriously, I actually have attended/been in a hillbilly wedding or two, and the people with missing/rotting teeth or whatever tend to smile for the pics with their mouths closed anyway.
I’m a groomsmen for a wedding in March and it cost me renting a tuxedo (plus flight and hotel, but everyone has to do that that isn’t local to them)…if I’m forgetting anything then someone, please, for the love of God tell me so I don’t look like an idiot…
I’m with the bride on this one. Here’s a possible solution–have ur fiance ask him nicely to smile in pictures with his mouth closed. Then advise the photographer quietly of this plan & to keep him out of the majority of pictures. There! Everybody’s happy.
Soon after I married my Japanese husband, we attended his cousin’s wedding. Everyone was dressed in formal black kimono decorated with the family crest embroidered in gold. Except me. I tried unsuccessfully to remove myself from the photo-taking procedures, since I stood out like a sore thumb with my blond hair and purple gown in that sea of black. I felt bad for the bride to have such an obvious sport in her wedding photos.
LW, I can certainly understand that Toothless Joe is just not part of the dream for your wedding day, but it wasn’t correct to contact him with a denture directive – that request should have come from your fiance, if at all. If having this guy’s pruny mouth in the photos or watching him gum his way through the wedding dinner at the head table is too much to take, maybe you should re-think your wedding plans to something less traditional. How about a fun and casual wedding/luau that doesn’t carry any of the pressure to be “perfect” or “fairy tale”? You can still have a great wedding and a great party without having to tick all the typical wedding boxes. It sure would be nice if your fiance could enjoy his special day supported by his best friend without feeling your unhappiness at the same time..Change your vision to fit reality, then you won’t be disappointed.
Why doesn’t he just finance them? Most dentists will do this. A hillbilly is someone who has no teeth AND doesn’t care.
I have no comment regarding the best man’s lack of teef as other posters have given good advice. I did realize something after reading this letter…It really irritates me that you referred to your fiance as “my man”. I don’t know why, but to me, that sounds more hillbilly than the notion of someone without teef.
as a person from a hillbilly family, with multiple people without teeth, or have dentures that are too painful to wear, I say, get the hell over it. you seem to know how shallow you are already, so what’s the problem? why do people keep worrying about what other people think? honestly. Not everyone can ‘finance’ them as the person above suggested.
If you truly like someone, their teeth should not matter. And I think you already know that, but you’re looking for people to tell you it’s ok to be an asshole to your friend, even though ‘it’s your day’. You already crossed that line too, because i can guarantee you he was already self conscious about it, and you just made him feel worse about it.
Ok so I’ll admit I’m feeling very emotional right now but in response to the letter, Wendy’s response, along with everyone else’s response, I feel so bad for the toothless, denture-less friend I want to cry! Poor guy! How bad would it suck to be the person who other people don’t want to have, (or are hesitant to have) in their wedding because of how they look? On top of how hard his life probably is right now without the teeth with eating, people staring, treating him differently, etc. I’m sorry, LW, that you’re upset with people’s responses to your letter, but I feel a lot worse for your fiancé’s friend 🙁 if I were you I’d channel any discomfort or embarrassment you have towards him being in your wedding into sympathy for his very embarrassing predicament.
LW, I’m with you on this one. It would bother me immensely as well. And it’s your own wedding–you don’t have to be PC and pretend that his hillbilly toothless grin won’t bother you. Wishing you luck!
My husband is missing one of his front teeth, my family during the wedding pulled me aside and asked me what happen to his tooth. I plastered a big smile on my face and quite proudly told them I knocked it out in a hockey game. It was no one’s business that he was born without a front tooth, and we’re in the final stage of a long drawn out process to get one of the implants. Who cares if someone is missing teeth, no one will notice and if they do hopefully they’re gracious enough not to say anything.
Its really not a big deal.
LW, I am going to take a different stand from Wendy and the rest of the commenters. I don’t think that you’re a Bridezilla or rude.
You didn’t realize that he lost his teeth, and I don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to request that he wear them to your wedding. Maybe it’s because I have a lot of family members with dentures or whatever, but I don’t consider it to be totally unreasonable to ask someone to remember to wear their teeth. My family has to do it regularly, because we have family members who find them uncomfortable and don’t wear them often. It’s not seen as anything different than requesting that someone not wear a ratty sweatsuit to your wedding, for example. My FFIL’s girlfriend had all over her teeth pulled, by choice, because she hated dental work that she needed. She doesn’t always wear her dentures.
A lot of people seem to compare dentures to medical equipment like wheelchairs or burn scars or something, but I don’t see it that way, at all, and I am guessing that you don’t, either. I don’t find your request unreasonable.
I also have some admittedly shallow impulses about wedding photos; I decided long ago that I wasn’t going to have Mr. Temperance’s sister as a bridesmaid because she’s 9 inches taller than me and thin and gorgeous, and being around her makes me feel like a short, fat troll. (She’s also a douchebag loser, so that makes it easier). So, in short LW, you aren’t alone.
i just wish people cared about what happened in a wedding and not what it looks like.
one of my best friends has mild CP and so has a little bit of a deformed right side of her body. if she isnt at my wedding, it wont be complete. my “thing” in my future wedding is that ALL of my friends will be there- whether they can afford to be or not.
i dont even care what they wear! i just want them there.
i get that this isn’t the worst ever case of being a bridezilla, but i seriously wonder about the marriages/relationships with the friends that ensue after these kinds of situations happen. as the friend, i would never be able to be comfortable around the LW again, much less feel welcomed at the wedding…. dang.
I have to agree with theattack. People were appalled by her behavior, not her feelings. We are all human, yes, but to draw a parallel to your example of waiting on the bus, I too get irritated when I am headed to work and we stop for a disabled passenger. It does take a long time. But you would *never* say to them “You know, I’m really in a hurry today and it takes you a long time to get off, would you mind staying on until I get off?”
There’s an impulse -that’s only human -, but then a recognition that the world doesn’t revolve around you, so you squelch it.
I just have one question…how does a person like this get an engagement ring but I don’t? SMH. It’s pretty tactless to tell your fiance that his best friend isn’t attractive enough to be part of your wedding, which is supposed to be a special day for BOTH OF YOU not just you! How special is it going to be for your fiance if his best friend isn’t even invited? This letter still has my jaw on the floor.
I think one point people have missed is “how to get over this shallow thought” – so I’ll try to address it here in the hopes it can do some good and salvage this situation.
Ask yourself a few questions – in the greater scheme of things, what is more important to you – flawless photos, or Justin’s feelings and his cheerful support of you and John as a couple? How important really would the lack of teeth be in ten or twenty years? At that time, will anyone remember or care anymore?
Also, why do you think Justin’s lack of teeth reflects badly on you automatically? Why do you feel personally responsible for his appearance when you are you and he is he?
Something that helps me take a step back and gain proper perspective is to ask – do I want to be right, or do I want to be happy? Sure, being right feels good in the moment, but being happy is longer lasting and more satisfying for years to come.
The real thing that question gets to is “do I want to control people, or do I want to love them?” Because, as Carl Jung says, the two are incompatible – if you’re trying to control, you’re not being loving, but if you seek to truly love someone, you’ll never seek control over them.
Sounds like a job for mini marshmallows!
My uncle has basically no teeth left. He’s never had a lot of money and couldn’t afford dental work, leading to his tooth situation. He’s really embarrassed by it. But honestly, you can’t really tell unless you’re looking. A groomsman can easily smile for pictures and stand in front of the guests without it looking obvious that he has no teeth.
I get that the LW knows she’s being shallow, but it still makes me feel bad for the groomsman. If he was already embarrassed by it, then being asked specifically to wear the dentures for the wedding, probably made it a lot worse. How would the LW feel if someone told her that as a bridesmaid, she should wear her hair down to cover gigantic ears or something?
As for the LW getting over her shallow thoughts, I think you let the groomsman in the wedding, dentures or not, and go on about your life. I seriously doubt she’s going to be thinking about his lack of teeth on her wedding day.
A bigger problem than lack of teeth is lack of both humanity and tact.
Moreover the LW is clearly an idiot. I mean, come on. Odd’s are, he will smile with his lips closed. God knows I would. At any rate, I hope her actions give her fiance’ pause. I know I would think twice about marrying somebody who was so unbelievably shallow and narcissistic.
“How can I get over this shallow impulse?”
Step One: Recognize there’s a problem and admit you need help. (Done)
Step Two: Accept when people call you shallow and listen to their advice.
Step Three: Back away from the urge to defend every little thing…it’s the internet, no one knows you in real life. It doesn’t matter at the end of the day.
Step Four: Hope that you don’t wake up the day of the wedding with a huge pimple or stye or something.
Now that the LW knows why Justin is suffering from having no dentures (and I realize that she knows that her facebook message was tactless, and also that she didn’t realize he had LOST them), why doesn’t she and her fiance consider doing a little drive to raise money to fund replacement dentures? They could perhaps contribute a small amount from their wedding fund, and if Justin has been such a good friend, there may be other loved ones who would be happy to help out with a small amount of money. If they knew the cost of replacing the dentures, then perhaps they could give Justin a gift which would make his life a lot easier.
It would be a hell of an apology (which should also be verbal) for the embarrassing but somewhat understandable gaffe. Next time the LW encounters a situation like this (whether poor dress, or bad shoes, or discolored teeth, or scotch-taped glasses, or a bad, bad wig…), I am sure she will think of the possibility of loss or financial distress first, and slovenliness second.
I’m not sure I agree with all the people suggesting that the LW and her fiancee help Justin pay for some new dentures. I think if it were me, that would just make it worse. Because then on top of feeling horribly embarrassed about my teeth, I’d be horribly embarrassed about taking charity from my friends.
LW, if you really want to stop having this issue bother you, and stop feeling so shallow, you’re going to have to work on YOURSELF. First, apologize to Justin, sincerely. Say you had no idea he’d lost his dentures, and you realize now that it was out of line for you to even mention it. Then, try spending some time with him one-on-one. It does, as another commenter pointed out above, kind of sound like you just tolerate him for your fiance’s sake, but don’t much like him yourself. Well, if he’s such a great guy, why don’t the two of you get to know each other better? Go on a “friend date” with him or something. The more time you spend with this guy, the more you will start to see the whole package and stop focusing on his physical attributes.
LW, I know you’re currently upset with this seeming dilemma, but your husband’s toothless friends is actually a potential boon. What you’re missing here is an opportunity to get CREATIVE with your wedding portraits! When I got married, my husband and I had a nice stoic group portrait with his friends, the Toxic Pirates. Yet the portrait of all of us I treasure more is the one where all our personalities showed through, including the Kung-Fu Scotsman striking a fighting position in his kilt, a friend wielding a knife in strike mode (in all fairness though, he also brought out the knife in the stoic picture too) and everyone just generally acting goofy and having a grand time.
So your friend can’t currently afford dentures, yet he wants to be a groomsman still. If the thought of seeing his toothless grin is that bothersome, tell him to smile with his mouth closed in the stoic portraits – the ones you’re going to give grandma. If it were me, and I really wanted to see this guy in the wedding party portraits, I would think of a creative way of covering his mouth and still emphasize the FUN I want conveyed in the wedding pictures – maybe a wedding party portrait (or maybe even the WHOLE wedding) with EVERYONE sporting wax lips or fake felt mustasches/goatees. The last thing I would do LW, which you already did, is single the guy out over his situation that can’t be helped.
I dont understand why this had to be a huge deal. Has the LW considered at all that Justin would be more upset than her about his own appearance and probably smile with his mouth closed?
Yeah, I feel a little late to this & just made my way through all the comments– I see that the LW feels attacked, but come on– this isn’t like a mob-mentality internet anonymity thing. Most people are bringing up a variety of good points, and acknowledging that everyone has shallow impulses or thoughts sometimes. It’s just that she’s asking us how to overcome something she ALREADY ACTED UPON by sending the message. I agree with Wendy’s comment above– the LW seems to have no clue how tactless that behavior is. Somebody having NO TEETH is not a “this-is-awkward-but…” situation– save that verbal dance for a groomsmen who has toilet paper stuck to his shoe, or a bridesmaid whose dress split or something. I think the Wendy’s response, and the overwhelming response in the comments, are only so harsh because it seems like she needs a wake-up call.
This is a WEDDING. You’re not casting a play or choosing models for your fashion show.
To reiterate the purpose of a wedding: to join your lives together, and share that joyous moment with the people you love. Attendants are chosen because they are your very closest of friends or family, and you want them standing with you as you begin the next phase of your life.
It doesn’t matter what they look like in the pictures. It doesn’t matter if there ARE pictures. If you think the wedding pictures are more important than your fiance’s best friend….and that the wedding pictures are worth hurting your fiance’s best friend the way you did, and embarrassing your fiance the way you did….
The only thing you can do now is to apologize profusely to the friend, and to your fiance,and claim temporary wedding-induced insanity. And be grateful that he hasn’t postponed or called off the wedding. Because if the person I were going to marry sent my best friend a message like that, I’d be seriously reconsidering whether I wanted to marry that person.
The wedding is not more important than the people in it. Ever.
I’m sorry, I’m still reeling from the fact that someone is willing to do this over a photo. I can’t count the number of stories I’ve read of incredibly hurtful, shallow, selfish behavior over wedding pictures. Bridesmaids being dumped because they weigh too much, etc.
Memo to OP, and brides-to-be everywhere: nobody but you cares about the wedding pictures. In a year or two, those group shots will be in photo albums that nobody looks at anymore, stuck on a shelf. There will be a portrait of you and the groom on your mantel, and maybe on your parents’ mantel. All those pics you spent a fortune on and gave to your friends and family? They’re shoved in a drawer.
In five years time, half of the people in your wedding won’t even remember who your attendants were, let alone that there was some guy in a photo who didn’t have teeth. If they even noticed in the first place.
But I promise you, Justin will remember that hurtful message forever.
For what it’s worth, while I still disagree with looks-policing “for the PICTURES,” I don’t think it’s necessarily fair to assume that someone concerned with the pictures wants “a perfect-looking wedding party” and hates people who aren’t 10s on the scale of conventional attractiveness.
The issue, rather, I think is one of attention-drawing. Someone with an unusual physical feature, be they full sleeve tattoos or a complete lack of teeth, will attract more visual attention than someone without. (Even if they are the most beautiful tattoo sleeves in the world and everyone agrees that they make that bridesmaid a 10 rather than a 9!) Brides especially resent this, I think, because the whole point of white-dress-matching-bridesmaid-dresses etc. is for the bride (and groom, to a lesser extent, whee!) to be “the center of attention.” That’s easy when your eye can go to the white-dress girl and ignore the periwinkle-dress girls, but when periwinkle-on-the-far-left has magenta hair and ocean-themed sleeves…yeah. Your eye goes less to the white-dress girl than it would otherwise.
Not to say that some brides don’t just hate tattoos or the toothless or the different-looking and simply want their pictures to be full of conventionally-attractive people, but I think the majority of what animates these looks-police requests is really the underlying I-am-the-center-of-attention mandate that is an inextricable part of the mass-media meaning of “bride” in 21st century America. I find that to be slightly more sympathetic than the other type, but that’s just me. (And to reiterate, not something I condone. Just something I have sympathy for, while not condoning.)
Buy the guy dentures–if he’s been such a great friend to you both, then you should spring for him. And while you are at it, you should say it just like this, “Justin, I am sorry about what I said before. You are such a good friend, and I am so sorry you lost your dentures. Can we please buy you new ones? I don’t care if we get them in time of the wedding or not, but you deserve to have a new pair.”
This will not only make you feel better, but in the long run, I think will make him feel better as well.
Gah, so many comments. I’ve nothing to add. Or maybe I do. Let’s all go read Invisible Monsters, it’s about a girl that used to be a model and then loses her jaw.
Sorry, that’s all I could think about while reading this :>