“My Friends Bailed on My Dinner Party”
Needless to say, it was also humiliating to have to clear the four extra place settings and pretend with our other friends who made it that everything was just fine. The two couples that didn’t show are people that we hang out with on a regular basis and who I think are generally good people. I am at a loss for how to deal with the situation because I feel so disrespected. I feel like if they were true friends they would have made the effort to at least let us know they weren’t coming. These people are important to my boyfriend and so they are important to me, and I don’t think he would be happy if I didn’t include them in future gatherings (which we host frequently). How should I handle this? — Peeved About Dinner Date Flakes
There’s no question that what your friends did was rude and thoughtless, but unless both couples are chronic flakes who have a habit of bailing on you, then I wouldn’t make sense to stop inviting them to future gatherings. At the same time, you also don’t want to completely ignore their flakiness if it’s something that really bothered you — and understandably so — or resentment will build. Since you don’t even know the reason both of these couples bailed on your dinner party, it’s best to assume it was something out of their control — something they couldn’t predict — and that the sheer unexpectedness and perhaps unpleasantness of whatever happened made them momentarily forget their manners, which is why they didn’t give you any notice that they wouldn’t be attending your party. Because… isn’t that plausible? Bad things do happen — fights are had, terrible news is received, people get diarrhea. And when these things happen to a person, a dinner party may be the last thing on his or her mind. It’s also possible your friends may have just felt lazy when they got home from work and didn’t feel like going out. But since you don’t know what the reason was and since neither couple has a history of flaking out, I would just assume it was something out of their control and it wasn’t personal.
And in that vein, I’d send a text or make a quick call to whichever member of each couple you feel closest to, and say, “Hey, just wanted to check in and make sure you’re OK. We were concerned when you didn’t make it to our dinner Thursday after confirming just the day before. I hope everything’s ok!” That way, you acknowledge the incident and give them a chance to explain and apologize.
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Okay, I’m glad Wendy answered this because I also thought people were giving advice (in the forum) that was a bit extreme? Sooo WWS, & good point on the last part (that hopefully she wasn’t stewing so much that she forgot to be a good hostess to the couple that DID show up)
I like your advice Wendy. Much more level headed.
I will say, it is incredibly rude to show up super late or not at all with out letting the host know. So, call if you’re late/not coming!!!
Also, someone else said in the forums, but saying “come by after 5!” leaves a lot of wiggle room for arrivals etc, so I think it’s better to say “dinner at 6:30” or something along those lines, super clear.
I’m also curious about the dinner invite. Was it “we’ll have dinners while the tricker treaters come by” (which could be interpreted as lets eat pizza and drink beer) or was it “You’re invited to a dinner party at my house on Halloween night.” Because If I thought we were all just casually eating dinner/take out/appetizers I could see people bailing last minute cause they felt lazy after work.
I agree with this. I feel like people down play things that are important. For example, we have these “football parties” on Sunday where people come, there are apps. It is no big deal. Other times, we have things that need a head count. I make people know that I need a head count because I am cooking up a storm or I say that this is a sit down dinner party. I realized a while ago that I need to be forthright when something is important to me.
WWS! I think what they did was rude (and I hate flaky people so I totally get it) but I think you might be overreacting…just a little. I know it’s hard because this JUST happened but take some time to calm down. In the grand scheme of life this situation is small potatoes. If it’s repeat behavior, then yes I would cut them out of your life. I’ve actually cut a few people out of my life lately because they are un-reliable, so I understand doing that. But a one time thing? Not worth it.
I don’t agree with Wendy on this one. It would be one thing if it were a big party, but bailing on a small dinner party is inexcusable to me. I don’t think the nuclear option is the way to go either. But I would never invite these people to a small gathering again, only larger ones. And I’d let them both know I was hurt and annoyed at not only their flakiness, but the fact they didn’t bother to let her know they weren’t coming until she reached out them AFTER the start time. To me, that is the rudest part and I don’t understand why Wendy made a bunch of excuses for them. Selfish, selfish, selfish.
I agree that, if they actually flaked and didn’t have a “diarrhea-level” reason for not being there, it’s not acceptable. But these friends sound like they are primarily the LW’s boyfriend’s friends, and thus friends with the LW by association. I think if the LW declares that these people are never invited back, it’s going to cause strain in the LW’s romantic relationship, which doesn’t seem worth it just to stick it to a couple of people who maybe once acted in a jerky fashion.
To me what Wendy’s advice misses is how extremely unlikely it is that all four people in both couples experienced some catastrophic event on the same day. Sure, one person, perhaps even one person in each couple but I really doubt that all four suddenly were so distraught they couldn’t even send a two second text that an emergency had come up.
I have friends who will commit them bail at the last minute because something more exciting came up because #FOMO. More often it’s that than an actual catastrophic situation so to automatically assume it’s a disaster/emergency seems like a bit of an excuse. Remember four people, zero manners.
This is a ridiculously petty response to friends flaking one time.
Yes, unless a couple had a MAJOR emergency that just wouldn’t allow for contacting the hosts to explain they couldn’t get there, this was pretty inexcusable.
Love that Wendy always thinks of things in such a reasonable, mature way. I didn’t post on the forum thread, but I had assumed, because I know SO many people who do this, that the guests who bailed were just thoughtless and decided they had something better to do that night — and I would have been as pissed as the forum poster. But you’re right — when a friend seems to have messed up, you should give them the chance to explain (and, if they don’t have a good explanation, try to forgive them) before going nuclear on them.
Still, flaking even once on someone because you just don’t feel like doing what you said you were going to do, if you’re not sick or stuck at work or in the middle of a family emergency, is inexcusable in my book. When people flake on something they’ve agreed to do, even if they think it’s just “casual” dinner at someone’s house, they’re a) breaking their word, which, keeping your word is like Doing The Right Thing 101, and b) treating the other person like their time and commitment means less than their own. It’s super not cool. I wouldn’t cut a friend out for doing it, because I’m not much for cutting friends out, but I would think very differently of them if it kept happening.
Taking the high road is definitely the way to go. Have room in your life for forgiveness.
I would be pretty upset if this happened to me but at the end of the day Wendy is right – it would be an extreme coincidence for a catastrophe to happen for both couples at the same time, but it is possible, so you have to keep that in mind. I’d use her suggestion to send that concerned e-mail, or just let it go until the next time you plan to invite them. And the next time, make it clear you plan to buy and prepare food according to their RSVP (“Hey guys, are you still coming? I’m going to the grocery store today, so I need to know how much chicken/wine I should buy.”) or better yet, make your boyfriend do the communicating since they are his friends. Try not to get too invested in being upset about this, though, because there’s really nothing you can do about it.
Just thinking out loud: I’m trying to remember a time I was so upset or overwhelmed I couldn’t let people know I wasn’t able to keep the plans we’d made. I think I have always at least been able to fire off a quick text like, “Not going to be able to make it – feeling really sick!” or “Rain check? Family emergency.” I’ve also never had a friend flake without at least sending a text. I guess this is a personal thing, but it would stress me out even more that on top of whatever crisis was going on, I had a friend sitting around waiting on me to show up.
I kind of disagree here. It’s not worth going nuclear on them, but I wouldn’t give them a pass, either. Assuming that these couples knew it was a small dinner party and that they actually rsvp’d, it is just incredibly rude to no show without even a head’s up, and when you’ve been that rude it isn’t the job of the hostess to fall over herself to make excuses for you. I understand things happen and sometimes you can’t make it to something you have said you could, but if you’ve said you’re going to someone’s house for a dinner party where you know that they put in time and effort to prepare something for you, you absolutely have to let them know if you can’t go. If you can’t do it beforehand because of an actual situation, then you have to apologize as soon as possible afterword. If it’s something personal, you don’t have to go into the details, but it’s just incredibly rude to make them call you and then say “yeah, we’re bailing.” And, truthfully, while one couple out of three might have had a legit emergency or trauma that preluded attendance or manners, what are the odds two out of three of them did? Slim. It’s more likely than not that these folks decided they didn’t want to go and just skipped it. Either that, or it wasn’t made clear that this was an “official” event, in which case, the LW should let it go and be more clear next time.
Friend stuff is always so difficult. Maybe more so than any other relationships. With family and significant others, you’re allowed to be a little more emotional, at least in my experience.
If you make it a big deal and your friends thought nothing of it, you come off a little cray and they’re like “what the heck is her problem, why is she making such a big deal out of this?” and you risk them not wanting you around for a while.
Then, if you don’t make a big deal, they just get away with treating your poorly.
Take a day or two to let the hurt feelings pass so you can talk without all the emotion. Send a quick email or text and say “Hey I know it may not have seemed like much to you guys but I put a lot of effort into that get-together, so next time can you please just try to let me know if you can’t make it?” That way they’ll know you were hurt without you having to be super emotional about it, and hopefully the politeness will make them feel a little guilty and not pull that crap again.
LW, your friends were super rude. I don’t think I would have flaked without notice even in the what-if situation Wendy suggests it takes 2 seconds to send a text message. But the only thing ruder than what they did would be you pointing out to them how rude they were. So please ignore the commenters who suggest that route.
If this is the first and only time these friends have ever been this rude, then I’d let it go. But if it is or becomes a pattern of flakiness, I’d stop inviting them over. If that bothers your bf, then let him invite them over and do all the prep work while you chill out with a good book. The less you invest in these people, the less you’ll feel personally hurt when they act rudely.
Thank you, Wendy!!
Geez, shit happens, you know? And this happened exactly once? I don’t get it. Honestly, if you are that crazy to cut someone out because of this, be really upfront about that, so they can very clearly see the crazy. In my opinion though, that would be a flavor to the friends. At least it would be for me.
Furthermore, these are your boyfriends friends. Let him deal with all this.
I agree with Wendy’s advice, but I just wanted to say, as well: LW, I don’t think you’re being overly dramatic for being deeply hurt and disappointed. I know a lot of people are saying you’re being melodramatic, but I really do get how hurt and sad and blue you’d feel about something like that happening. I don’t blame you for your initial reaction of being very sad and angry about it. I’d just second what others have said about taking a step back, and reminding yourself to give them a chance to explain before you take it out on them. But I actually know how painful it is to get stood up, especially when you were really looking forward to something.
Wendy is always so calm and mature and level-headed. I, like some other people on here, have a tendency to overreact when I feel slighted. But I agree completely with WWS. It’s best to give people the benefit of the doubt in the same way that you’d want them to give you the benefit of the doubt in a similar (or even totally different) situation.
Maybe I just don’t understand the youth of today but I find it totally unacceptable that they didn’t even phone her to say they weren’t coming. It would take 1 minute for them to call or text and say they couldn’t make it. If people think that being rude is acceptable then they won’t hesitate to continue to be rude and thoughtless because hey, it’s not a big deal they’ve done it before.
I’d also have your boyfriend handle it since they are his friends. I wouldn’t continue to put myself out to thoughtless people.
That sucks, but move on with your life. I mean at least you had one couple and your boyfriend there. Maybe I’m weird, but I’m more upset if I get cancelled on if every friend cancels on me. Like friend 1 isn’t feeling well, friend 2 and her boyfriend are having a bad fight, and friend 3 got off work late and is exhausted from a 60 hour work week. It sucks, but life goes on. Eventually I cancel on them so it evens out.
Eh, I’d remain friendly with these folks. But I’d also NEVER invite them over for dinner again. A large party? Maybe. But an intimate dinner? Nope. Never again. Wendy is being far too kind. Bad things DO happen. Fights, illnesses, blah blah blah. But in this day where everybody is already fucking glued to their phones there is NO excuse for not sending your host a heads up.
Only rude, self absorbed people would fail to do so.
Oh, right. That’s an entire generation or two, isn’t it? Honestly, it astounds me how self absorbed younger people are today. Even more so, how everybody makes excuses for such bad behavior. Oh, they got caught up in a crisis. A petty fight? Diarrhea? Really? If you can’t handle these fucking softballs, good luck when the shit REALLY hits the fan.
Follow Wendy’s advice about saying how worried you both were and blah, blah, blah. But — cross them off your guest list. Permanently. And don’t mention why either. Treat them as shitty as their excuses will undoubtedly be… Nobody had a miscarriage here. You can fucking bet on that.
I had something like this happen to me. I understand how hurt you are you probably put work into making sure this was a great party and it sucks when people don’t show up for you like you want them to. After this happened to me I wanted to rip my family a new one for not showing up and for flaking and I realized that my anger at them was really two things: 1. Embarrassment (I hosted a get together and no one showed) 2. Hurt (I wanted a chance to say goodbye before moving 1,000 miles away and they couldn’t even show up for me.) After realizing why I was so mad I decided to let it go. I am sure they have good reasons for not showing up and by not reacting to my anger I made sure that I was proud of my behavior. I think if you react the way you want to you might regret it later. It might be a good idea just to let your feelings calm down and then when you see them again check and make sure they are OK and then move on. Yes you are hurt but in the grand scheme of life you know now that you have two friends who will show up for you. That is what is important.
I agree on Wendy’s analysis and advice. However, I’d tweak the suggested email script by adding, “I was really bummed that you didn’t make it.” I’d insert that into the middle of the rest of the script Wendy wrote out. It’s a bit more genuine and lets the friends know that LW *did* feel hurt. But I agree its important to include the expression of concern. Wendy’s example in the comments along with a few others illustrates that shit does happen –although I still find it odd that nothing was communicated.
I’m sort of in the middle on this…I would have been ticked off too. Anyway, my daughter had a friend stay the night one time and the next day was Sunday so the night before school and I was told her friend would be picked up at noon. Okay great because we wanted to have family time. Well they didn’t pick her up until 4. I was livid and sad for her because she had some homework to finish up too. Well I found out later through my daughter that he (her uncle picked her up) said “I meant noon on the west coast”…WTH??? who does that? (We are in central time zone). Also, after about 12:30 her friend kept trying to call/text to see what was up and never got a response and no their was no emergency just rudeness (her friend did mention they always seem to run late) but um 4 hours???
I would give them another chance because it’s only the first time. But, LW did give them a chance to respond already, the night of the party, and they didn’t give a reason. So I disagree with Wendy, when she says that LW should consider that they might have had unforeseen circumstances when they could have explained that in text the night of the party. They had already responded with nothing. So I get your annoyance.
If they no-showed or were flaky AGAIN, then I would only invite them things where their participation or non-participation was irrelevant.
I think one thing to keep in mind is that these are her boyfriend’s friends, not hers. These aren’t her relationships to ruin. She doesn’t even mention how her boyfriend feels about it – if he doesn’t care, she should let it go. And to all the people who said “never invite them over again,” why does she unilaterally get to decide who her boyfriend gets to socialize with when they’re together? I would never, ever email my husband’s friends to passive aggressively demand an explanation for why they flaked on plans once. Even if that’s not what was intended (but going by the outraged letter written here, that would almost certainly be the intent), that is how the recipient is most likely going to take it.
why does she unilaterally get to decide who her boyfriend gets to socialize with when they’re together
Because a person always gets to decide whether they want to be around people unilaterally. The boyfriend then gets to decide how he wants to handle that, but “Who I want Around Me” is always unilateral.
But who cares? I mean honestly, it doesn’t affect you in the slightest. Someone dressing up as a sexy nurse has nothing to do with you. And as a woman, I wouldn’t feel that attractive in a realistic cop costume so yeh I might want to wear something shorter and more flattering that freaking blue dickies and a button down work shirt. So I don’t know why people really need to pass judgement on something so inconsequential as a Halloween costume. I think people should be able to dress up as a goddamn sexy dinosaur if they want to and it makes them feel happy and they are having fun.
I agree with Wendy that the LW shouldn’t go nuclear on them or bar them from all gatherings. However, if it were me, I just wouldn’t invite them to another event like a dinner party where I put a lot of effort in. Does the LW host potlucks? Or Sunday football/other sporting event viewing party? Or something else where you’re not cooking for a crowd and/or the invite is not as specific? Invite them to those. And if the LW’s boyfriend expresses the fact that he wants to invite them to another one of these sit-down dinner parties, then I think it’s fair to ask him to do the cooking and preparations for that. That way she’s not setting herself up for this to happen again. And no one (apart from the LW or the LW and her boyfriend) really need to know that these arrangements are being made.
The most likely scenario is that they didn’t realize this was a formal thing. Otherwise they are the rudest people alive, which is incredibly possible. It was on them to let you know they couldn’t make it and it was certainly on them to reach out afterwards, but they didn’t write in for advice. I would send a message along the lines of: “Hey, we missed you the other night! I ended up cooking such and such and the trick-or-treaters were adorbs. Hope everything is okay!” and leave it at that. Depending on the response I would wait a long time before inviting them to a dinner party again unless they were actively involved in it (like bringing a dish). I know how much time a preparation goes into throwing a dinner party, so I fully understand your frustration. As rude as it was, try not to take it personally. Life’s too short to go cutting people out for mere rudeness.
I agree they may not have known this was a formal thing, LW never mentioned what specifics were in the invitation. She also doesn’t mention if they even responded to the invitation. They may have received the initial invitation and they just never responded to accept it because they thought it was a casual come-and-go kind of party (also rude, but not nearly as disrespectful as accepting and then pulling a no-show). She said she sent an email to confirm the details the day before, but she never mentioned that any of them responded with their own confirmation?? Did she even request an RSVP before she did her planning/shopping or did she just assume they were all coming?
There’s no excuse for what the “friends” did… For them not to even call and apologize is a HUGE slap in the face. It shows COMPLETE disrespect the efforts of the hosts and is INEXCUSABLE. They are not really friends.
Hello, I believe from my point of view, that it is something that seems a simple situation, however something similar happened to me at a birthday party.
In that case I felt just as bad, however, since I was angry with them, I directly told each one of them as you have expressed it, I remember that one of my old friends, was honest with me and He said he didn’t want me as a friend, that hurt. However, another of my friends really apologized to me since he had a real cause, today he is my best friend. I advise you to do the same.
Seems like these people are super rude. Whether it was a formal thing or a casual thing. There were obviously plans made and they bailed. I get the feeling that maybe these are your boyfriends friends and not your friends and they are icing you out. But we can only guess if this is true. I think it is fair for your boyfriend to say to his friends. “Jenny and I were disappointed not to see you on Halloween. I thought we had plans…” And give them a chance to explain. They might have a real excuse or they could just be jerks.
You’ll never know until you ask.