“My Girlfriend Wants to Bail on Wedding Weekend”
The problem is this: my girlfriend’s best friend is also in California, and as soon as I told her about the wedding, she immediately said, “Oh sweet, I get to visit so-n-so!” Well, I feel there won’t be enough time. I am a person who believes a wedding, especially with friends I see once every year if I’m lucky, is a weekend-long celebration. But she has her heart set on visiting her friend whom she rarely gets to see. I told her how important it is that we celebrate the wedding all weekend with my friends, and she is very set on seeing her friends, too. She thinks that the wedding and the reception are the only important activities.
So, when situations like this come up, and I tell her to go hang out with her friend, which I am not 100% happy with, I feel like I’m caving…but what am I to do? She isn’t making me ditch out on my friend’s activities, and I wouldn’t want her to resent me by keeping her from doing what she wants to do. But what do I tell my friends, with fear that they think their wedding events are not as important to her? (Let me clarify that wedding events are things like going out on the town and drinking or breakfast the day after the wedding with everyone). I also do not want to invite a stranger to my friend’s wedding activities (aka trying the whole combine both friends to stay together).
Is my lack of seeing her ability to compromise clouded by my selfishness? – Weddings are Weekend Events!
Well, first of all, when your girlfriend says that her friend “is in California, too,” what exactly does that mean? Because California is HUGE. Unless her friend lives in the same town or within an hour or two of where you’re staying, I don’t see how it would even be feasible for her to attend your friend’s wedding AND see her friend even if you were totally on board with the whole thing.
For argument’s sake, let’s say her friend lives in the very town you’ll be staying. In that case, you ARE being selfish by asking her to spend the entire weekend hanging out solely with your friends (even if you’re paying for her ticket, but ESPECIALLY if she’s paying her own way). Let’s be honest, the couple getting married isn’t going to find two shits to give that their out-of-town friend’s out-of-town girlfriend they hardly know isn’t at every single event throughout the weekend. Surrounded by all their other friends and family — whom they do know well and love — they’re not going to care if your girlfriend misses the morning-after brunch or doesn’t make it to one of the nights out on the town. I mean, really.
But if your concern is that you just want your group of friends to get to know your girlfriend (and vice versa), then you really are being selfish seeing as how she probably would like her local friend(s) to get to know you and yet she’s not asking you to give up time with your friends to make that happen.
So many of us live far away from friends and family, and, if we spend good money and use some of our precious vacation time, which all of us have too little of, to visit some of those out-of-town loved ones, we’d be foolish not to try to see as many of them in one trip as we can (within reason) especially if we have the opportunity to do so. Your girlfriend has a friend she could see while she’s there. Give her your blessing to do that. Don’t be a dick. She’ll still get to mix and mingle with your friends. She’ll still be at the wedding, of course. But she’ll also be able to take advantage of a rare opportunity to see someone — her best friend! — who lives on the other side of the country and to make that face-to-face connection that is so important in this age of constant screen communication.
Then again, if the wedding is in L.A. and the best friend lives in, like, San Diego, then, no. It’s not gonna happen.
***************
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
WWS. If it’s feasible for her to spend an afternoon or evening with her best friend, then she should do it. She’s going to CA for YOUR friend’s wedding. She agreed to the wedding and the reception…unless the invitation specified other requested activities and she agreed to those. Going out at night for drinks is NOT a wedding centric activity. I doubt the whole wedding will be there (unless it’s a really small wedding). The breakfast the day after perhaps, and maybe if you weren’t so stuck on the rest of the weekend, she would agree to go. But with you it seems to be all or nothing, so no compromise will happen. And don’t you want a little time with your friends without having to clue her into everything? A night out at bars would be perfect for that.
WWS. I mean, if this was in Rhode Island, then she’d totally be right about you being a jerk. But California is one of those states where there’s so much ground to cover. You couldn’t go to Modesto, then Burbank, then back to Modesto in the same day – not if you were ever planning to get out of the car.
Going to the wedding, the reception, and whatever else you’ve RSVPed for is quite enough. This idea of the wedding as a whole weekend event is a new one in our culture, and the girlfriend is not being a bad person to not want to spend the entire weekend socializing with strangers.
WWS said all the way. I mean, this is a perfect opportunity for her to see her friend (assuming yeah, that the friend lives within feasible distance. If she doesn’t, your girlfriend will quickly figure that out, I’m sure).
Anyway—she’s going to be at the wedding ceremony, & the reception. She’ll have PLENTY of time to get to know your friends then, & really doesn’t need an entire weekend of… bonding? Like, personally, I find your whole “wedding weekend” plan exhausting (yes, I know it’s just brunch, going out on the town, etc. but keep in mind that your girlfriend doesn’t know any of these people, & maybe she feels it’s better for you to catch up with them on your own? Especially since she can conveniently use this time to catch up with her *own* friend, that she—in your own words— “rarely gets to see”?)
So yeah, sorry, I’m on her side here. It’s fine that you see weddings as weekend-long events, but that doesn’t mean your girlfriend does. And her point of view is as equally valid as yours. It’s not “caving in” to let her do what she wants without giving her shit about it; it’s called not being a dick.
WWS. I understand how you could feel this way, but I think if you both don’t get the opportunity to go to CA often then you should “let” her see her friend for a bit if she is close by (like Wendy said, if this involves a day of travel then its probably not a good idea). Your friends will get to know her at the wedding/reception and this isn’t the only time you’ll see your friends with your girlfriend in tow. Plus, it will probably be nice to hang out with your friends without your girlfriend for a bit. It’s great to have your SO around, but sometimes its nice to be able to just focus on your friends. Have you already bought your tickets? Could you extend your trip a day or two so that you have time to visit this friend specifically?
WWS.
If your gf’s friend does in fact live super close to the wedding, I see nothing wrong with her hanging out with her friend for a little. There aren’t a few free hours in the weekend for them to grab coffee or lunch?
Is there any way you can add an extra day onto your trip, so maybe she could go to all the wedding stuff with you, and then you could go with her to spend some time with her friend?
I agree with Wendy, but I would probably also be kind of anxious about the gf not spending any time with my friends. There should be a balance with regard to how much time she spends with LW’s friends vs with her best friend. Agree on a minimum amount of time she will get to know your friends, and let her spend the rest of the time with her bff.
The wedding activities don’t really have much to do with it: You want her to get to know your friends, it’s inconsequential whether this happens at a wedding brunch.
Your girlfriend and friends will get to spend time together, even if your girlfriend takes some time to catch up with one of her friends. Maybe you two can talk about when would be best for the two of them to meet up during such a busy weekend? And, if I were meeting a friend’s girlfriend for the first time, I’d be glad to learn that she has been able to maintain long-term, long-distance friendships, because that ability speaks to her personality and how kindly she treats people. I’d be so happy for my friend to have found such a caring person.
Plus, it’s incredibly stressful and exhausting to have to be “on” (ie, energetic, personable, friendly, outgoing, making small-talk) with near or complete strangers all weekend long. Even after just a wedding and reception with my SO’s distant relatives, I’m beat. Seeing her best friend, someone who she can relax and just be herself with, will probably just be a way for her to unwind and de-stress after three straight days of extroverted activities.
But I’m quite introverted, so maybe that’s just me.
You don’t have to spend everynight with them! Pick a night, and spend it with her, and her friends, and then spend the rest of the weekend with your wedding stuff. There has to be some comprimise in there instead of just being like oh hey, when we get to Cali, you go your way, and I will go mine, and I will meet you at the wedding.
WWS. Also, why not compromise? If you are all actually in the same town/city- everyone go to the same bar post wedding; your friends and her friends. Everyone wins. We did this after a wedding last year and it worked out great.
WWS. Also just to reiterate: it’s not “caving in” to agree to something your SO really wants to do, when you’d rather they do something else. It’s caring about their happiness. OK?
“Is my lack of seeing her ability to compromise clouded by my selfishness?”
Yes.
I guess I’ll defend the caving comment. Maybe he was afraid that this actually wasn’t the Right Thing for the gf to do or even want to do and that he was getting walked all over for forcing himself to be ok with it. Obviously, its not the wrong thing to do to want to see your friends, but I’m just guessing he thought it wasn’t a normal/nice request of her’s and wanted to make sure we weren’t going to all agree with him and be ‘oh that’s so messed up she’s bailing on your friends’ wedding weekend.’
BUT she PROMISED she ‘d go to wedding and thus attend each and every event . To do otherwise makes her a “shitty” girlfriend! She now needs to made to feel like shit and blah blah blah because I am in my twenties and thus ONLY live my life in absurd absolutes. Nobody can EVER change their mind! A promise is a promise!! Especially those made without thinking about them as the other person simply won’t shut up about it…
I kid, I kid. The above is a grim satire to a series of posts to yesterday’s letter that simply made my skin crawl.
Okay, LW. I actually think you mean well — you don ‘t want others to misjudge your girlfriend if she skips prewedding breakfast number 3… But Wendy IS right. Nobody will give a fuck if she bails on a few of these events… Look, sure a wedding weekend IS a blast if you are an intimate friend of the couple and thus know everybody — but taxing as hell if you are a lover or spouse. Hell, having once brought a lover to a wedding weekend — I can attest that I would have been so stoked if Kevin had had somebody else to see or even a book to read. Hell, I’d have flown him across the state just for lunch myself if I’d known I would have a freaking break from trying to explain EVERY inside joke and reference… 😉 PS – As absurd as it sounds, I once did fly up to SF and back (from Burbank) just for a quick dinner, so yeah… It can be done.
Yeah, I’m with you all the way. A whole wedding weekend would be a lot of fun if it were my friends, but if it’s with a group of people I’e never met, that sounds exhausting.
HOW WEIRD- jake and i were just talking about our upcoming trip to cali for a wedding last night! (forum to follow)
LW, there is absolutely and totally a compromise here. its not weird for her to want to see her non-wedding related friend at a wedding weekend. not weird. its also not weird for you to want your girlfriend to meet and get to know (as much as you can at a wedding anyway…) your friends. not weird. you both are right. so, my advice would be to make a schedule…. i love schedules. i need to write one for the rest of christmas season and into the spring for my wedding cakes soon, actually. they are amazing tools. so, 1. figure out the events that are “very important” for you to have her there with you (not counting the actual wedding). 2. have her figure out what is “very important” for her to do with her friend while you are in CA. 3. write up a schedule, down to the hour, of the activities of the weekend. 4. enjoy! it can be done. you both have to give weight to the other’s needs, though… thats the only way it will work!
Yes, you’re being selfish. It might help you to remember that you are her partner, not her parent. You are not “caving,” because you do not have the authority to make this decision for her. She is allowed to decide how she spends her time, and she is choosing to split it between two very important people in her life (you and her best friend). She isn’t backing out on her agreement to actually attend the wedding and reception, nor is she asking you to give up time with your friends. There is no issue here at all that isn’t of your own making.
It concerns me that you are putting her want to see a very close friend second to your own desire of not wanting your friends to think badly about you. You are putting the image of your relationship above the happiness of your partner. I hope this is an isolated incident, but if it isn’t then you have a serious issue that needs to be resolved, and it has nothing to do with your girlfriend.
I just wanted to chime in and say that the LW’s girlfriend and her best friend may be able to meet in the middle, too. So, LA and San Diego wouldn’t theoretically be too bad if they met in between. But yeah, I think the LW is being a little inflexible. If I had the chance to see my best friend on a trip by happy coincidence, I’d take it. It’s not like she’s choosing her over you. She’s trying to compromise.
So I can’t really relate to this LW at all. There is no “problem,” your girlfriend is going to a wedding with you, and wants to see her best friend while out in CA. You should be happy she has the chance to see a friend she probably doesn’t get too very often. I assume the bf is somewhere close or your GF would probably not have suggested this (but if not then I guess its not as cut and dry). Anyways I will just say WWS! And add- since you don’t want your gf to go and “caved” and gave your permission (ew but this is how this reads regardless of your intentions) do not make your GF feel guilty with some passive aggressiveness when it comes time for her to see her friend. I know that I might have the tendency to do that if I told someone something is fine when it really upsets me, and I did not convey that to them, so this is maybe me projecting. She is still going to go to all the major events with you and if she misses one afternoon or evening to see her BEST FRIEND then I think it will still turn out A-OKAY. Also wouldn’t you sort of love the opportunity to go out and party with some of your best friends you haven’t seen in ages without a gf you have to introduce around and make sure she is comfortable/has people to talk to etc.? Try to put a positive spin on this, you know you are being selfish so stop and tell your GF that you are excited for her to see her friend and also get the chance to meet your buddies.
Did this LW really say in all seriousness that a wedding is a weekend long event? Ugh. Dude, you are part of the problem with weddings these days. And you’re being a selfish jerk.
Oh Wendy you should have made a better arguement. We went to a wedding in LA and went to San Diego for the day and went to the zoo. It is only an hour away. Hardly anything when you live in a large state. Maybe if you had said San Deigo and Oakland or something……
Whoa, hold the phone, are you telling me there are people out there who think they have claim to my *entire* weekend just because of a wedding?!?!?
If so, RSVP no in advance for every wedding invite I get for the rest of my life. Even if it was my dearest family member’s wedding with only people I know and love and it was being held in the middle of nowhere with nothing to do or see, I would not give my entire weekend up. No way, I just couldn’t handle it.
LW you are being unreasonable, she is going to the wedding, she will meet your friends, and she isn’t asking you to take *any* time away from your friends to be with hers. Seriously, you’re being a royal jerk about this.
I feel like her going to the wedding but also seeing her friend IS a compromise. I mean, come on, going to a wedding of two strangers with a bunch of other strangers is not super fun. It is to you because they’re your friends, but you’re ignoring the fact that she’s already doing you a favor by going to the wedding. To me, the compromise is for you to understand that not everyone celebrates weddings for an entire weekend, and even if they prefer to, sometimes it isn’t feasible. I’ve had to fly in for weddings in which I probably could have gone to a brunch or something in addition, but because of time constraints, I couldn’t. Not the end of the world.
Sometimes you just have to let things that don’t matter go. You can’t always see YOU compromising as caving. Obviously, if she’s trying to travel four hours to see someone, then I can see why you’d be unsure that will work out, but if you two plan to be together for the long haul, then you’re going to have to get used to having to compromise sometimes.
Well, judging by some of your very harsh calls on this, I clearly did not write this very well. That being said, those that were more constrctive helped me a lot. As much as I want her to become closer to my friends, its downright selfish of me to keep her from hers. She is going to hang out with her friend all weekend and be there for just the wedding portion.
Welp! That took a turn—LW it seems like after the advice here, you offered your GF carte blanche to meet up with her friend. When I thought you were a man, I read needing GF the entire weekend as “emotional cripple”—but if you’re lesbian then it’s pretty stereotypical levels of jealousy/closeness (😉 from a fellow traveller) “Letting”, “caving”, and not seeming to want to meet her friend all read as controlling/selfish. But, now she’s gonna spend more time with the friend than you—it stinks like 3-day old fish. And have you been invited to meet this friend? If not, the whole thing sucks.