“My Marriage is Falling Apart. Should I MOA?”
I wrote you earlier about my homeless father and some of the sister stuff I alluded to has reared it’s head again recently. I’ve been worried about it, but trying not to bring it into my home. They can take care of themselves – and have thus far. But it weighs on me still. I also bore the burden of taking care of my mother during an illness a few months ago, alone. It didn’t go all that smoothly with my husband, and I have some real resentment and anger about it.
Also, in the last few months, my husband has admittedly been taking his stress about our business out on me, in fairly nasty personal attacks he later says he does not mean. I’ve tried to get him to delegate, hire someone else or let me help to ease the stress. I’ve encouraged him to exercise, do his hobbies, etc. to relax. He acknowledges the problem, but refuses all offers of help or suggestions on how to relieve his stress in a healthy manner. Instead, he explodes, then “buys” me things out of guilt, with money I helped earn, as a way to “make up” for it.
These issues have infected our marriage in all respects, including physically. We have recently been to two counselors to discuss these issues. He repeatedly says he doesn’t want a divorce, yet he doesn’t change regardless of the advice given to him. I’m tired of being the stress target, of feeling disrespected and of feeling alone in my marriage. (I do have friends and a social life; I don’t expect him to be my everything). I also feel like I’m failing somehow because we can’t get past this. Marriages have ups and downs, and this is definitely a “down” period. But, I am not sure what to do. Wait it out? MOA? Try something new? You and your readers were excellent help the last time I wrote in. I value and advice or insight you have. — Lonely in Marriage
In your whole letter, I didn’t read one sentence about how you are helping your husband. You say he’s stressed out and you have suggested a bunch of stuff, and you say your marriage is a mess and that counseling hasn’t helped and that your husband hasn’t done anything to make things better. But what are YOU doing (beyond giving your husband suggestions and encouraging him to relax)? How are you trying to make his life easier/better? Have you asked him what his needs are and what you can do to help meet them? I’d start there first.
The simple fact is that you cannot control other people’s actions or behavior or the way they interpret things. The only thing you can control is your own behavior. So focus on what you can do to change your situation. You know that your current set-up isn’t working, so what steps can you take to change the set-up? (“Waiting it out” doesn’t count as a step!!).
Without knowing the details of your marriage or your business, my inclination is to suggest finding additional help with work. You say you’ve tried to get your husband to delegate or to hire someone else, which he hasn’t done, but you also say you are a partner in the business, so… can YOU delegate or hire someone else (with your husband’s OK, of course)? And what can you do at home to ease your husband’s stress or workload? Is there work your husband does at home that you could either help with or hire someone else to do (I’m thinking along the lines of lawn work, household repairs, cleaning, cooking, and accounting)?
You’ve invested a LOT of time and energy in your family — your parents and sister — and I wonder if your husband simply resents that you haven’t invested as much time and energy into him or your marriage lately. I’m not excusing his nasty behavior to you, but if he feels less like a husband to you and more like a business partner and/or roommate, I can understand why your marriage is suffering. Your heart may not be in it, but if you want to save your marriage, you HAVE to make your husband and his happiness your top priority. If that means saying no to your family or to your friends more often, do it. If it means being nice to your husband when you think he’s being a jerk, do it. If it means doing more work than you feel like doing, do it. If it means taking on more responsibility than you have in the past, do it. If it means putting your husband’s needs before your own, do it.
I am not suggesting you become a martyr for life, but if you give a majority of your focus to your marriage for 3-6 months and nothing improves, then you can leave your marriage knowing you tried really hard. But try hard first. Don’t just passively wait around for things to get better, and don’t just MOA from a 15-year relationship without making some effort to get over the hump. Try really hard and, if it’s still not working out or if your husband is doing all the taking and none of the giving, THEN think about cutting your losses and moving on. But from where I sit, it seems to me like moving on now would be super premature. I say change your behavior — since your behavior is all you can control — and see what impact that has on your husband and your marriage.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
I think Wendy gives good advice, and I really feel for this LW — it sounds like a tough situation. I’ll admit, the advice of “make your husband’s happiness a priority over your own, even when he’s being an asshole” is a little hard to swallow. But at this point, I’m not sure if the LW has any other option. I think giving it your all for the next 3-6 months, even when your instinct might be to pull away, is your best shot at saving the marriage.
“How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It” is a book that might be very helpful for you, LW. Wendy’s advice reminds me a little bit of the principles talked about in that book.
http://www.amazon.com/Improve-Marriage-Without-Talking-About/dp/0767923189
But the thing that really bothered me about the letter is I did not hear one ounce of kindness, empathy, or understanding on the husband’s part. I understand that the LW’s family has strained the marriage, but it’s not entirely under her control. It’s not okay for him to disrespect her. It’s not okay for him to explode at her in anger. It’s not okay for him to take all his stress out on her. And I find it hard to believe that her being a perfect angel will magically make him a more caring and connected partner. I hope I’m wrong.
I agree with Wendy’s advice that if all possible, try hiring someone to you can delegate responsibilities to for your business. I cannot imagine starting and running a business with a significant other. It’s not for everyone. Maybe even you two should consider not working together period. It’s not a situation many marriages could survive.
Lastly, the fact that the LW’s husband was unwilling to work on issues with two different counselors is, in my mind, the most worrisome and problematic part of this letter. To me, it does sound like the LW is really trying, and he’s not. You can’t make some do something they don’t want to do.
I also find the husband’s behavior worrisome. He is behaving horribly to the LW but then buying gifts to “make it up to her”. If this occured ONCE in a blue moon I wouldn’t find it worrisome, but it’s happening all the time. You know who else does this? Men who beat their wives and then buy them jewelry to make it up for it. While it would be…uncommon for emotional abuse to begin 15 years into a marriage, they are getting into that territory fast.
I just wondered if that was a love language problem. Some people use gifts to genuinely show love or to apologize. If the LW isn’t that type of person, it makes sense for her to feel like he’s trying to buy her affections, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that he is.
While it’s true that people have different love languages, I also think the LW is allowed to say “It’s not okay for you to buy me a gift as a resolution to this issue.” And I say that because it’s a recurrent pattern. And buying a gift doesn’t come close to fixing what’s broken here.
I think Wendy’s advice was pretty solid- this in particular stood out to me “Your heart may not be in it, but if you want to save your marriage, you HAVE to make your husband and his happiness your top priority.”
It was something that I personally needed to be reminded of today (If you read my forum post, you’ll know what I’m talking about).
The LW mentions “nasty personal attacks”, yelling and nitpicking. The husband’s behavior sounds worrisome to me. And the problem is, if he’s like that, it’s unlikely the LW’s situation will get better if she tries to be nicer to him. I’m getting the vibe that she’s already trying to be supportive and sort of feeling guilty for things that aren’t even her fault. In my opinion, if someone – even if it’s your husband – goes on tirades and yells, you need to enforce boundaries, not be nicer.
Yeah, I agree. I mean, it’s hard to say because there’s a lot to unpack in this letter, but the description of the husband’s behavior alone sort of makes me think that it’s past the point where “trying hard” should be the go-to option. I’m thinking more like, therapy (couples counseling?) or at the very least a “come to Jesus” (to use Katie’s expression, ha) talk.
Yeah, that’s how I would approach it, too. Almost ultimatum-y, even, like “if ______ & _______ doesn’t improve by _______ time, I cannot live this way anymore.” I get Wendy was approaching from the angle of “try your best so you can say that you did all you can before MOA-ing, you can only control your own actions” but it could be soul-sucking for her to act in that manner if it’s not going to improve the relationship, anyway.
And I know it’s harmful to look at it as a “tit-for-tat” thing, but how has the husband worked to make HER happy? I’m also curious as to how he made things run “not smoothly” while she was caring for her ill mother?
yeh…I feel like the LW trying to be nicer is a woman walking on eggshells trying not to piss her husband off. And it seems like she’s not doing anything wrong, he just comes home and attacks her. Or nitpicks on her all day at work cause he’s stressed out. I really think maybe they shouldn’t work together anymore.
Yeah, it does seem like she would be walking on eggshells if she acts like the nice, quiet, kind wife when he explodes on her. To me, it’s no way to live. Submission doesn’t seem like an appropriate response when someone is being nasty or disrespectful to you.
I’m in agreement that if they stop working together, things might improve.
I agree with Wendy. Also, I read this differently. To me it sounded like this was a recent issue, she says “…in the last few months my husband has admittedly been taking his stress about our business out on me..”
Also, I found it very important that in the previous paragraph the LW indicated that a few months ago she took sole responsibility for caring for her sick mother and that she and her husband had some issues regarding that. She flat out admits she holds resentment and anger towards him about that.
I find it very difficult to believe there isn’t a correlation between her harboring resentment towards her husband and his recent nitpicking and taking his work stress out on her. Come on. Nothing in this letter indicates to me that the LW is walking around on egg shells. It seems more likely that she is being passive aggressive with her husband. I would be curious to know if when they have met with a counselor if the LW was honest about her feelings of a lack of support from him and how that could be affecting the relationship or if there was more one sided blame going on. They BOTH need to be honest with each other before they can move forward.
Oh, and if I were in the LW shoes I would find a part-time job elsewhere and hire someone part-time to work at my business. People need space.
Yikes, I didn’t even get through the first paragraph and there are two huge red flags to me- never talk someone into marrying you. I’ve never heard of it going well. And, family businesses will drain the life out of your relationship. Seriously, it’s a recipe for hating your spouse.
Maybe you guys need to institute a safe word or safe phrase that you can use when he starts getting overly nitpicking or starts to attack you personally. I am with you, LW in the fact that no amount of gifts (especially bought with our shared income) can make up for or make me forget a personal attack on my character. And so I think maybe the best thing to do is try to effectively shut the behavior down and redirect whenever it starts getting uncomfortable. No one should have to feel disrespected by someone they truly love and respect.
“This makes me feel uncomfortable and truly hurts my feelings.” Say that, or something similarly simple and honest the SECOND he starts straying into personal attack territory. Look at him, and say it as calmly as you can. If that doesn’t snap him out of it, then you may very well have to say that exact thing again, in the same calm manner. Once you think he’s stopped, I would maybe then suggest some sort of a regrouping technique for the two of you. “Lets go for a short walk, and then try and talk about this again.” or “I’m going to take a shower, lets try again after that.” Something that gives you both a little bit of time to settle down, direct your attention elsewhere, and then approach again.
Wendy’s advice is good, try to empathize and put a real focus on your marriage. But I also think that you have no obligation to allow the personal attacks and disrespect to continue. I think if you use the above technique, and don’t let his nit picking produce any sort of reaction from you except the above it will eventually get better. And if it doesn’t, then you know you can MOA I guess?
I get where Wendy is coming from, and I agree that it would probably do a lot for the LW’s marriage for her husband to know he comes first for him, if that is really the issue. If that’s the case, you might need to do things or say things that remind him that he’s coming before your family for a while. I get that.
I don’t get the prioritizing his needs for the next 3-6 months above your own. Sorry, a relationships is give and take and not one person blowing up at the other constantly while the other one takes it and does everything for the other, even if it’s a short period, because I see that blowing up in her face pretty badly and leading to her blowing up at him.
I can see changing how she responds to things as a possibility, perhaps make an effort to not escalate fights if that’s what’s happening, or literally just leaving the room if she sees it going in that direction (not sure why, but that’s my impulse, to get some physical space from a fight until I can calm down and return to it more level-headed). If he would follow the LW around the house firing insults at her, I think that’d be a whole different level. And perhaps prioritize the husband over this crazy family of hers for a while and make sure he knows that’s what she’s doing.
I actually kind of disagree with Wendy here. The LW didn’t list all the specifics of how she’s tried to help her husband — but that doesn’t mean we have to disbelieve she’s tried. To me, it sounds like she’s the one putting effort into maintaining their relationship and trying to improve their circumstances, whereas he’s the self-absorbed one rejecting advice, offers of help, and ignoring his wife’s needs.
Wendy’s right that her first loyalty should be to her husband, and she needs to focus on maintaining that relationship over all the family stuff. But that aside, I really think it sounds like they’re at a breaking point. I can’t see into anyone’s heart and tell them when it’s time to move on or not, but from all the outward signs, you have a husband who has visited several counselors with you, and ignored all their recommendations; who hasn’t made any effort to change his behavior or compromise to make the marriage work; who says hurtful and uncalled for things to you all the time; who no longer pleases you sexually — because if emotions are important for you to enjoy sex, then just going through the motions as you are now is clearly not pleasing you; who scorns your family and opposes your efforts to participate in their lives; and who seems to be totally tone-deaf to your needs.
Maybe there’s another counselor out there who might be able to convince him that he needs to contribute to this relationship, too. But to me, it sounds like you’ve done enough.
I don’t know how I feel about this advice. I mean, I get it, and I can’t necessarily disagree with it, but damn. When you give so much and get shit on in return, the last thing I’d want to do is try harder and give more.
I’m having a similar issue right now. Totally different circumstances, but similar emotions, and I’m to the point that I just want to be like “eff you guys.” To get love, respect and support, you have to give a little. We all have seasons of give and take, and everyone has their shit. Sometimes you just don’t have so much to give. I try to be understanding that people have busy lives, crazy schedules and who knows what stresses in their lives. But right now, I’m tired of being so understanding, and trying to convince myself that my feelings shouldn’t be hurt because my friend did a shitty thing for a legitimate reason. At what point do you get to say this isn’t ok? That my shit is just as valid as your shit, and occasionally I need you to get over yourself and throw me a frickin bone.
Is there any incentive for him to change? Have you attached consequences–realistic ones that you’d be willing to follow through on–to show him how serious you are? Because if it seems like everything can stay the same, which is easier than having to change behavior, then why wouldn’t he chose to do so?
This doesn’t sound like a marriage to me. Where is the love, the teamwork, the tenderness? When was the last time you went on a date and didn’t discuss work or other commitments? Do you do any hobbies together or anything else just for fun? Simply playing a board game or going for a drive together can bring back those feelings of love. Start from the beginning, pretend you are dating all over again. There was a reason you fell in love with your husband, and he you, so find that again.
Hmmm, I’m not so sure I agree with Wendy on this one. I guess it really depends on how obnoxious the guy is and if the LW has already tried the method Wendy suggested – just because she didn’t mention it doesn’t mean she hasn’t tried (I have to assume people leave a lot out of letters so they aren’t too long). IMO, LW should look back to before their troubles started – was the relationship great back then or just better than it is now? Was it ever truly great? I ask because it sounds like LW wanted to get married while DH didn’t. If there are no kids invovled, I think I’d probably MOA (if it were me; I know I probably bail on relationships too quickly because I would rather be alone than be unhappy). I just have a feeling there’s someone out there for LW that is right for her, and that it’s not this guy.
I recently realized (in a conversation with gf) that I always have the instinct of LEAVE. Like, between fight, flight, or freeze, my first instinct is always freeze, and my second instinct is always flight. If gf and I are having an issue, my default is to assume that we can just break up, not that we can just work through it. And I’m stil struggling to remember that we can work through issues even though it seems like that would be harder than just breaking up.
And so when I read Wendy’s response, I was skeptical until I remembered that you should try to work on your relationship/marriage problems before just leaving and assuming the problems are unsolvable. (Gf called me out on this. I pointed out that lots of bad couples should break up, and she said that yes, they should, but usually they are trying too HARD to make it work, not just leaving without trying first. Because leaving without trying first is my instinct.)
So LW, you should try first. Fifteen years together deserves at least a try.
LW – it sounds like you are inherently a people pleaser and peace keeper, so although I agree with Wendy’s advice, please proceed with caution. You can easily turn all that energy that you put into “saving” your family into “saving” your husband and you may find that nothing actually changes for your benefit because you’re drained and empty. It may actually get worse as emotional burnout and resentment sets in. Having had similar issues like this myself, I would suggest you see a counselor and discuss with them techniques in which you can learn to make healthy boundaries with EVERYONE and to take care of yourself well. It is important that you do not repeat the savior/peace keeper habits with your husband that you do with your family if you really want it to work out for the both of you. Again I agree with Wendy that you should focus more on your marriage, but I definitely think you need to focus on yourself first.
I sincerely wish you the best of luck because I know it is not easy to change lifelong habits but you can get through it 🙂
So I gotta say I completely disagree with the Wendy characterizes the LW helping and therefore the advice that follows. The LW does says she tries to help him and he doesn’t want it. Her problem isn’t that she doesn’t try, it’s that when the LW tries, her husband either a) refuses and then continues to complain about whatever he’s stressed about including personal attacks or b) blows up at the mere suggestion and then tries to make up for it gifts. I’m not for helping someone despite their protestations. Honestly they’ve gone through 2 marriage counselors. If someone decides not to make it a priority to take advice to change their behavior, it’s because they feel entitled to the behavior. And actually, if they’re the only partners in the business, then no the LW cannot just hire someone. She probably needs his consent to do so, otherwise she doesn’t have authority. But any corp/partnership lawyers can tell me if I’m wrong.
I do agree with Wendy, that whatever resentment he has left from you helping your family is coming up now however. And I would ask yourself if your family has ever treated you this way, because it’s quite possible that he feels deep down that since your family treated you this way, and you supported them, then he should get to too. I think Wendy’s right that he doesn’t feel equal to your family. So I would have the big conversation and say that he is making attacks on your character that you don’t appreciate, gifts are NOT going to make anything better and that it needs to stop. Ask him in his best case scenario what would the marriage look like, with specifics. Who would do the chores, what would happen when he comes home, what would be done in the house when he’s there, what part would he take in all this. When he’s feeling upset/sad/happy, how would he like you to react (specifically, does he want a good cup of tea, time alone, what). In the best case senario, what would the business look like. Who would control the financial matters, who would do hiring, who would deal with customer service/people part and what part he would have in all this. Give him a couple days to think about it. His answer is going to tell you how he is looking at the marriage and the business and that might clarify how you look at it.
If you’re done LW, and you’re just feeling guilty for feeling done, just get a lawyer and leave. Feeling guilty isn’t going to make you happy, and it certainly isn’t going to make you less done.
I will say this. He is not allowed to make personal attacks to you. Regardless of whatever else you do, if you help him out more or have this talk or wait it out. You can demand that he not do this, and then absent yourself if he doesn’t. You actually have the right to not continue a conversation in which you are personally attacked. Leave, LW. Go visit a friend or go the park or a cafe or the 24 hr store or hang up the phone. If he tries to stop you, then be careful and that will tell you a lot too. But just don’t continue it, and have the conversation when he’s willing to treat you respectfully. Someone’s contempt for you will just grow, so the best thing you can do is protest it.
If hurling personal attacks at someone we love is verbal abuse now, then I would guess many, if not most, of us are guilty. I would hope if we’re in relationships 15 years long, in which we have shelled out tens of thousands of dollars to support our partner’s family, our partner might be willing to make an effort to invest at least a few months in trying to save the relationship, unless there is what I would consider *true abuse.* and I realize that we may differ in how we define true abuse, but in my book, a few personal attacks yelled out in frustration after years and years together isn’t worth moving on just yet.
I guess it depends on what the LW means by personal attacks, and we have no way of knowing that. “God, why do you have to be a jerk sometimes?” is probably part of being human. More than that— slurs, continual raising of the voice throughout the day, attacks on her appearance or behavior that would be considered normal— would probably be abuse. The LW says that her husband yells at her and nitpicks her all day, and that seems like more than a few personal attacks to me. Really, though, it’s true that I have no idea. I think it’s worth mentioning, though, even if it’s just as you say.
Next time he gives you a gift, why don’t you just say “this is not the gift I want. I want X, Y, Z.”
I may be the only one here who thinks that the LW thrives on drama after having grown up with it.
God this is so reminiscent of my parents marriage, its frightening. My mom basically did all she could to help try to alleviate the stress in my dads life. It was pretty hairy at times, and i hate that i witnessed some of the worst stuff during my early years of high school. Not fun. They are still together, but the experience of what my dad went through still resonates today, he sometimes uses it as fuel to attack my mom, which is so unwarranted because she did so much to help and my dads pride just gets in the way and he refuses to acknowledge the stuff she did. So yeah, it is hard, not just on you as the parents, but the rest of the family. If you love him enough and know that this is not what he is normally like, and it is just the stress of work, i would try to give it one last ditch effort to maintain the relationship and work through it. Hopefully he will see what you are trying to do and relax a bit. But exercise and other activities are a HUGE factor in getting your husband to de-stress. My dad works out a lot already, so if he needed a break he would go for a 2 hour bike ride or a weight lift. It helps in most cases. Something to take your mind off things. That and exercise tends to help you think better and more clearly. So maybe he can take advantage of that and get some ideas and thoughts flowing.
I don’t totally agree with Wendy on this one. What he’s doing is included in the definition of emotional abuse . I’m not saying that she should necessarily run away to a DV shelter or anything, but I don’t think Wendy isn’t giving her nearly enough credit for what she has been through in the last year+, or that her husband is not willing to be supportive of HER. It’s a two way street!
My advice? Stick to the 3 – 6 month timeline that Wendy suggested; being the martyr for any longer than that will suck you dry. Yes, I agree that 15 years is too much of an investment to just walk away without knowing that you gave it your all one last time.
DO tell him that you realize that you have no control over his actions, but you do have control over yours; and if he doesn’t stop treating you like an emotional punching bag, then you WILL leave sooner than later.
DO NOT tell him about the deadline. Otherwise, he may very well be on his best behavior until just after the deadline and then go back to his old shit. (I made this mistake a few times before figuring out his game)
I struggled with my ex for 4 years, living under his tyranny. I tried sooo hard to do everything just right, to prove to him that I was worthy of the respect I was asking for, I tried to lead by example to teach him how to fight fair and treat each other with respect, I’d beg and plead with him to treat me with the respect I deserved. It sucked the life out of me and I was pretty much destroyed until I got into therapy. Then I did the one last shot, give it my all thing. He improved at times, but he didn’t change. Why? Cause you can’t change people.
I really don’t get where Wendy is coming from on this one. The husband sounds like he’s being a verbally abusive jerk. Walking on eggshells and trying to cater to the happiness of a verbally abusive jerk just gives him more power. It’s a huge mistake. Along the same lines, I have no doubt the husband is resentful of the time and effort the LW puts into her family, but he sounds like he’s being an intolerant ass about it. Her not putting him first all the time gives him license to have a conversation – not an explosion.
I don’t have enough information to leap to this conclusion, but I won’t let that stop me. This situation sounds to me like these two can’t be in business together if they want their relationship to survive, and one of them should bow out. It takes a very rare couple (like, unicorn rare) to work together without putting their marriage under enormous strain. The husband in particular sounds like he doesn’t have the emotional maturity and mental discipline to compartmentalize his work and home life effectively. In this LW’s shoes I would first remove myself from the business and see if the relationship improves. If not, I would try a separation and see if that wakes the husband up to where his unacceptable behaviour is leading.
I’m sure Wendy’s advice was hard for the LW to swallow, but I completely agree with it. Unless this has been going on for a long, long time (and there’s a lot more to the story), I think it’s *way* too soon to pull the plug. He’s not abusing her (unless of course there’s more to the story) and instead apologizes when he screws up! They’ve been together for 15 years. Unless there’s abuse/infidelity/bigger issues at play here, I think it would be quite premature to just give up.
The husband takes his stress out on her which is a fairly normal and also very confusing thing to experience if you handle stress differently. Stress affects everyone differently and it’s not simply that some people know how to manage it better than others. I tend to pull away and get snippy when I’m stressed (and my fiance’s a physical touch LL, so me pulling away physically is like non-verbally saying I don’t love him). But do you know what my fiance suggests whenever it’s obvious that stress is affecting me? He asks if I want a back rub. He writes me a sweet note. He empties the dishwasher so that I don’t have to. He doesn’t suggest that I go to the gym and he certainly doesn’t tell me to relax, because it wouldn’t help. That’s like saying, “Deal with your stress on your own,” which I think is important for everyone to do, but it’s not very helpful in the moment.
I also think that in a marriage, you don’t get to say “you’re not meeting my needs” without also addressing whether or not you’re meeting your partner’s needs, too. They often go hand-in-hand.
OMG. LW, I have to tell you this…. MrAM and I also share a business, and he too can be a nitpicky asshole and no I don’t want to fuck him, and I can totally invest all my energy into other people/projects, and then he gets all pouty and bitchtastic my energy isn’t on him, but because he’s a proud and passive aggressive introvert he just acts like an ASSHOLE instead of talking to me and telling me I’m being an obtuse cow… and yeah, I so totally totally get you… but that’s not my point! My point is we go to therapy for this shit okay? And WWS. Seriously. We have paid our therapist roughly $3K in 2013 to basically fucking walk us through WWS. AND IT WORKS. I swear. It really does. Sure we still bicker and squabble from time to time and we both throw quite the tantrum now and again but I swear it’s SO MUCH BETTER. I had no idea how resentful MrAM was! And I had no ideaa how much he really appreciated me focusing on HIM and US….. until I made a concerted effort to DO IT and stop thinking of him as not needing me. Truth is, he DID need me. A lot. I bet your guy does too. Try it. I bet it will work wonders.
I think this statement “I’ve tried to get him to delegate, hire someone else or let me help to ease the stress.” shows that LW has tried to help him in the business. She literally says that. So I don’t think WWS really addresses the problem here. If he won’t let her help (my husband is like this when painting, I just leave him alone) then there’s nothing you can do. You think if he won’t hire someone to help that he will allow her to hire someone? No. LW did help her mom through an illness but has kept the drama family challenges in check, she says, and she has tried to help with the business herself and offered various other suggestions, all of which have resulted in tantrums plus they have had counseling which he refuses to implement. So, yeah, I’d be checking out of there, at least a trial separation.