“My Mom Found Religion and Now Can’t Accept I’m a Lesbian”
In the past few months, Amelia and I have fallen for each other and want to have a relationship. Amelia knows my mom’s standpoint and refuses to come around/meet my mom. My being gay is not new news to my mom; I’ve been out for over 20 years and have had two previous girlfriends. It seems that she had no problem then, but now she is overtaken with religion and I just want both of them not only in my life but to get along. Neither have met each other ever. I want to buy a house but cannot choose between them nor have I found a way to make them accept each other. What should I do? — Stuck in the Middle
Sometimes we don’t get everything we want in life, and we have to prioritize. You want your mom to accept your girlfriend – and by extension, you, for who you are, sexual identity and all – and for your mother and your girlfriend to get along. You want to buy a house. You don’t want to have to choose between two women you love. You may not get all of that, and I think you need to reframe some of what you want so that you are better able to prioritize in a way that best supports your personal happiness and well-being. For example, you aren’t really choosing between your girlfriend and your mother here. You’re choosing between living authentically and living inauthentically.
You love and care about Amelia, but your mother, who now has a problem with your being gay, thinks your relationship is an abomination and that you will go to hell because of it. Where does that leave you? What are you supposed to do with that information? End your relationship so your mom will continue loving you? Is her love dependent on your relationship status? Your sexual identity? Your likelihood of getting into heaven, based on a belief system that you may or may not share? If you were to end your relationship to appease your mother and “earn” her acceptance and love, who would she really be accepting? You’re still who you are. You’re still a lesbian, whether you’re in a relationship with a woman or not. If she isn’t able to love the authentic you, what is her love of an inauthentic or an unhappy you really worth?
Your choice really comes down to living your mother’s dream for you or living your own. Living by your mother’s belief system or living by your own. Being yourself or being an inauthentic version of who you are for as long as you can handle pretending so as to keep your mother in your life in a way that is most pleasing and comfortable for HER. The choice is kind of a no-brainer, no? And, really, it should be a no-brainer for your mother, too. She can continue loving you and enjoying the privilege of being part of your life. Or she can lose you to her homophobia. You can’t control what she does, but you can honor yourself by being true to who you are even when you risk losing someone so important to you.
***************
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
LW:
You write: ” I also believe in God and obviously don’t want that fate but want to be with my girlfriend, “Amelia.” ”
Does this mean that you share your mother’s religious beliefs, but want to keep Amelia as your gf anyway. That’s a real beat-yourself-up combo. You can certainly believe in God, and follow the beliefs of many religious denominations and still be a proud lesbian. You need to consider what your own religious beliefs actually are. If you want to be actively religious, you need to explore religions and denominations which willingly accept you just as you are.
If your mother can’t accept you as you are, you may have to consider helping her to find alternate housing arrangements, telling her that you and your gf are going to live together in a new house and that she and current attitude aren’t welcome. You will still visit her as her loving daughter, but won’t tolerate her poison to your relationship under your roof.
I take a kinder view of Amelia than Wendy does. Why expose yourself to someone who views you as an abomination? I suspect Amelia has heard enough from LW to know that LW’s mother will not greet her in civil fashion, but instead drop a load of poison on her.
LW, unless you are willing to be celibate until your mother dies, this is an issue that is never going to go away, even if you ditch Amelia (a really unkind loser move) to please your mother. It will recur over and over again. You need to confront your mother over this and set very firm boundaries. Her religous beliefs are her own. You decide what you believe. And, most importantly, you live yourlife by your beliefs, not by hers.
Good advice from Ron. Agree about why Amelia may not want to meet your mom, but wonder if your mom refuses to meet Amelia in the first place. Folow Ron’s advice and if your mom can’t accept you as you are and your relationship as it is, I think you need to stop or severely limit your relationship with your mom. She was the one who “changed the rules mid game”. This is on her.
If I were Amelia, I wouldn’t be jumping at the chance to meet a homophobe. Why should she? Maybe Amelia has some self-respect.
LW – I’d like to suggest finding a church or religious group that embraces the LGBTQ community? Find people who can show you how to reconcile religion and identity. Your mom will probably not join in, because whatever religion she has thrown herself into is one that likes to separate “us” from “them”.
Ultimately you need to separate from your mom so you can be yourself.
And yeah, I don’t fault your girlfriend from avoiding a homophobe.
Yeah, there is nothing to be gained by Amelia meeting somebody who will only blame her for sending her daughter to hell.
PS — If Mommy’s new church is so fucking wondrful — and so fillled with Christ’s love — let them support and care for Mommy Dearest instead. Kick her out. Seriously. Let there finallly be real consequences to being a bigot.
i agree with BGm on having the church look after their own. Was thinking that would be a good course of action.
What Ron and BGM said! I feel really bad for Amelia here and I’m proud of her for setting boundaries for her own self-preservation.
LW: You’re going to lose Amelia. Eventually, one or the other of you will want this relationship to progress beyond the casual, and there’s no way to do that if you have to “pretend” to be friends in your own house.
Most Christian denominations believe ANYONE who doesn’t both believe in the divinity of Jesus and have asked for his forgiveness for their sins is going to hell. So, would your mother treat a hypothetical Jewish boyfriend the same way? I’m guessing not. For some reason, evangelicals have a particular bug up their butt about homosexuality, even though a lot of other things are also “sins” and all sins are equally good at separating you from grace.
Wendy is right, in that you need to live authentically. Do you want to hide being a lesbian for the rest of your/your mom’s life? Maybe that’s a way for YOU to live, but I’m guessing Amelia (and any future relationships) won’t be so keen on doing that.