“My New Wife Has Driven My Daughter Away”
My daughter will not come back home unless the three of us go to a shared counseling session; however, my wife refuses to go because she thinks Americans are addicted to therapy. I have begged and pleaded with her to come to a session so that I can get my daughter back home; however, she is steadfast. Recently, I have stated that our relationship is going to be in trouble should this situation persist, but the wife’s answer remains “No, not ever.” I love my daughter very much and the past three months have been torture without having her home. I can’t see any other way to resolve this. I feel like I must choose between being a husband or being a dad.
Any way out of this miserable situation? — Missing my Daughter
Wait, you have let this go on for three months? You married a long-distance girlfriend without first transitioning her into your and your daughter’s life together (did she need a green card, by chance?)? You call your new wife “wonderful” despite how shitty she has treated your 10-year-old daughter and, rather than kick her ass to the curb when she refuses to get any sort of professional help and guidance to smooth the rocky waters SHE created with your daughter, you have let your daughter stay away from your home all these months?
If you are being forced to choose between being a husband and a dad, it’s your wife who has given you that ultimatum, and, so far, you have chosen her over your daughter. You’ve chosen a woman who would rather yell at a young girl whose father just married a woman she hardly knows than, you know, act compassionately and maturely and lovingly with a brand new step-daughter who is probably freaked out by this sudden change in her family and lifestyle. Your wife does not sound wonderful. She sounds like a bully.
I can only imagine you have been blinded by something about your wife those of us reading your letter can’t see and aren’t privy too. There must be something about her that has rocked your world because what you HAVE shared about her isn’t good. And the little you’ve shared about your daughter — that she, at 10 years old, has the maturity and foresight and commitment to you to suggest family counseling after being so slighted in her own home by this woman she hardly knows — suggests that, if you’ve always been an irresponsible father (and I’m not suggesting that’s the case), then she must have one hell of a stable and loving mother, or the two of you as parents just lucked the hell out. Either way, your daughter has given you a chance to have her back. Don’t blow it.
Bottom line: counseling or your wife is out. If she won’t agree to it, the answer is pretty clear.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
This bitch is setting up a dominating relationship using your kid as a weapon. Get a lawyer ASAP and annul this marriage or your life will get much worse.
This is bad. Really bad. Just think how this looks to your daughter, who is still at a VERY impressionable age. She sees that you chose this HORRIBLE woman over her. I work with 10-year-olds on a daily basis and I can tell you that she is being VERY mature for a 10-year-old. You’re very lucky.
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Your daughter comes first. Period. This woman is NOT “wonderful”. Your daughter should be your number one priority and right now she’s not. I’m actually surprised that she’s even willing to come back to you. Most kids that age wouldn’t even consider it. I really hope you make an effort to reach out to your daughter. She deserves that.
Has anyone heard of the show 90 Day Fiance? Maybe this is part of the show!!!
Please listen to Wendy! My dad “chose” his new wife over me at that age and it affected my self esteem pretty seriously for years to come. Don’t do that to your daughter. She needs you at this very impressionable time in her life.
Your daughter is wise beyond her years & you have not displayed much wisdom of your own. Wendy’s answer is spot on, please put your child first & get rid of this horrible woman if she won’t agree to go to counseling. Not only to go, but actually commit to working on her issues & being respectful of your relationship with your daughter. What a witch! Your new wife is my greatest nightmare in being a single mom, that my ex will choose someone who is nasty to my kids. The thought of that breaks my heart & luckily he has not. Step up here Dad!
I think your 10 year old is far wiser than either of you. The answer to your question is there is a way out of this miserable situation, but you’re not going to like the answer. And that is that the new wife will probably need to go, unless she can find a way to learn to communicate much better. And that communication should probably start with a big I’m sorry to the 10 year old. I’m sure 10 year old step children aren’t always the easiest to deal with, but at some point you have to step back and say I’m the adult I have to extricate myself from this situation and be the bigger person.
Blending families is rough under the best of circumstances. Having one adult unwilling to go to family counseling is NOT the best of circumstances. LW, I get that you love your wife, but you need to love your daughter more. Especially since I seriously doubt your wife’s commitment to you or your marriage if she’s steadfastly refusing to make even the most basic of efforts to aid you in making your – and her! – new family situation work. Go to counseling with your daughter. If your wife won’t go, get a lawyer and get a divorce or annulment. Any partner this selfish, inflexible and immature will make your life miserable.
Your wife’s unwillingness to allow any of your daughter’s personal items in HER living room is a rejection of your daughter in her life (and yours, of course). She’s insecure, immature and nasty. Your daughter, on the other hand, sounds mature beyond her years, open to accepting this woman in her life and very loving. I think it would horrible of you to choose your wife and reject your daughter.
Okay. I am a “child of divorce” but I am also going to try to be a little less…harsh with Dad. Clearly he’s upset and conflicted about the situation, and of course it’s easier said than done to up and leave someone. (Also if the wife is from another country…it might be even more difficult to logistically consider this.)
That being said: Dad, the thing that really stuck out to me about this letter is that your daughter is *ten* years old. Ten is YOUNG. Ten is a child. In my opinion, it’s crossing a line to yell at a kid that way. I don’t know; I’ve (luckily) never been around a lot of yelling of any kind (so maybe I just don’t get it?) but that part just seemed really…wrong to me.
The other thing that really bothered me about this is your wife’s extreme stubbornness about counseling, even though she’s very much involved in this whole situation. It’s one thing to think therapy is dumb or whatever, but why is she not at least trying it out because it’s important to YOU? That’s what partners do in good relationships. She’s not just disrespecting your daughter, she’s also disrespecting you — because you’ve made it clear that a good relationship with your daughter is important.
I agree with everyone else about the “moving forward” part — either your wife makes actual changes here (I would say a big part is attitude changes) or it’s not going to work out. My parents got divorced when I was nine I think, and while it hasn’t always been smooth sailing (the divorce was basically about my dad’s mental health issues…) one think I look back on and am incredibly thankful for is that BOTH of my parent’s new spouses (people who had never spent much time around kids or had their own children, I might add) made a huge effort to have good relationships with us. They both recognized that for my mom and dad, being good parents was always a priority.
I think that if you’re dating (or married) to a parent, regardless of what you think about kids in general it’s a sign of love/respect in the relationship to make a special effort with the child (or children). You’re acknowledging what is a huge part of that person’s life. Dad, your wife is not doing that.
Wait, who’s the 10 year old here? Look, I actually get the “Americans are addicted to therapy” remark. (And I would lump Canadians in there too, in case anyone thinks I’m attacking the US.) Wendy and other columnists and comenters advocate therapy far more than I likely would. But here’s the thing. if you don’t want to do therapy, that doesn’t give you a pass to NOT address serious issues. If you refuse therapy, like I might, not wanting some outsider involved in my business, then you have to find a way to address the problems effectively yourself. You can’t just refuse to solve them. Surely, your wife knows that you will have a daughter forever. So if her attitude is that the 10 year old just has to get over herself, even though she is the intruder (and has not properly prepared the ground for moving in), then your wife is the problem, and like Wendy said, you have said nothing about her that makes her look like a catch. Give your head a shake, dude. You are going to lose your daughter. Forever.
“I feel like I must choose between being a husband or being a dad.” You don’t just FEEL like it, you do, in fact, have to choose between being a father and a husband. I get that you feel like you shouldn’t have to choose, but your “wonderful” wife has put you in that position. And so far, you’re making the wrong choice. As a parent, I cannot comprehend how it’s even a question in your mind – your daughter, your 10 yr old daughter (not even an adult child who is out on her own) – or this woman who is so intractable as to not even humor you with a therapy session so that you can have a relationship with your own child. She can’t give an hour of her life to something so very important to you. Then again, why should she? She’s winning. And however much you think this tears you up inside, it’s still your daughter who is ultimately losing. Get your priorities straight. Be a better father.
Annulment! ASAP. And if she needs a green card…then dude. She fooled you. Do not let this woman get between your relationship between you and your daughter. It’s a mistake I reckon you’ll regret for the rest of you life. This woman has already shown in those 3 months that she lacks compassion and love. You REALLY want to be married to her? Are you so blinded that you can see her true face that she has already shown you? If you’ve read Wendy’s advice and those of the readers, then you really can’t say that you weren’t forewarned.
I would think that the choice would always be your daughter. Always.
Your daughter is the only rational person in this relationship, and she is willing to go above and beyond for two people who choose each other over her. Your ex-wife must be really proud of her, and how she is handling the situation.
Amen, Wendy. The answer is so obvious that part of me thinks this letter is a fake, but it’s probably not a fake, so I hope the overwhelming support for THERAPY and THE DAUGHTER really make things clear for the LW.
This entire situation makes me sad. Being a step-parent is hard. It is the hardest job I’ve ever done (and I used to run a halfway house for adult male sex offenders) and also the most rewarding. When my husband and I started dating, we set strict guidelines down between us and with the kids. We agreed on the level of parenting I would do and made it clear to the kids. We had some rough patches (Do I have to listen to her? She’s not my parent.) but ultimately it worked out. Sure, we still have issues here and there – but what parent doesn’t with teenagers?!
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So LW – here’s what I have to say. I understand you’re trying to protect your new marriage. I understand that your new wife didn’t get a lot of time to adjust to being a step-parent (but that’s your fault for not making the transition as easy as possible for everyone). I understand your wife probably got frustrated because she’s not used to having children. But that excuses nothing. Sometimes I yell. Sometimes my husband yells. It happens. But we do what we need to in order to make it all work out. Either we apologize or we sit down and have a discussion of ‘here’s why I was mad.’
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I happen to agree that we’re very dependent on therapy in the US. But. If this is what it takes to bring your daughter home? You do it. Call it something else if that helps – a family discussion with a 3rd party mediator. Hell, find an actual mediator if you want. Then it’s not therapy and you can work out the issues. If your wife won’t go, then that says a lot about her commitment to you, your child and your relationship. She needs to suck it up, stop acting like a child and do what’s best for your family as a whole. When you marry a parent, you marry their kids. And if she won’t go, you need to go to a counseling session with your daughter at least and try to make things right with her. I know what it’s like to have a dad forget me and choose other people over me. And it sucks.
Yikes, the stepmom sounds like a charm. I can’t imagine ever saying something like that to a 10-year-old child. Poor thing. LW, this really isn’t a difficult decision. Your daughter should come first, and it’s appalling that you have let this drag on for three months. I don’t necessarily think therapy is the answer, because divorce/remarriage/blending families is always a transition, and people don’t always need to seek formal formal counseling to adjust. And honestly, if all parties aren’t on board for the therapy, the benefits will be severely limited. Your daughter sounds incredibly mature and insightful, she’s communicating her needs to you very clearly, so you and your wife don’t need a professional to help interpret what would make her more comfortable, your wife just needs to stop acting like a child and have some empathy for your daughter. However, since there have already been issues between you, your daughter, and your new wife, there definitely needs to be some sort of discussion between the three of you to establish some ground rules and boundaries to help the three of you with navigating your new blended family.
I have to say, if the new wife is so therapy adverse, she should be bending over backwards to come up with other solutions to the problem. She should be suggesting other ideas or ways to mend the situation. This at the very least would open up some lines of communication and show she is trying. There is no mention of the wife being upset about this situation or trying to resolve it. This suggests she doesn’t care. Also, the fact that this has gone on for so long also suggests communication issues between husband and wife.
I’d kick her out of the house until she starts showing an effort. Tell her to get a hotel room, invite your daughter over and start mending your relationship. If the wife wants back in, she can make an effort to have a good relationship with the child. This solution makes the girl the priority and the choice becomes the wife’s-either she step up, grow up, and make up, or she can walk away.
Cheez … I have seen this storyline very frequently in movies: parents divorce, step mum doesn’t like the little girl (it usually seems to be a girl), starts being mean, manipulating and turning the father against his own kid, father doesn’t even realise what’s going on and ditches his own kid.
I never realised that actually happened in real life, I could never understand how a previously loving parent could basically turn against his own kid under the influence of another woman he didn’t know she even existed until recently.. Are women too good at this? Are men so easy to manipulate ?!!
Sorry if that sounds too generalised / abrupt, I am just angry! Your new wife YELLED “I am your dad’d new wife, deal with it!” to your own 10-year old daughter, and you just sat their and watched this ?! What message is this given your daughter ?! “Dad chose his new wife who doesn’t like me and yells at me over me, instead of defending me and sticking up to me”.
If you think what is happening is something transitory which will just go away, let me tell you that it won’t be for long, unless you quickly do something about it! Your daughter is at such an impressionable age, everything you do as a parents affects her. She WILL remember this, it WILL affect her perception of you, of herself, of the world, of love, of trust for good. The sooner you realise this, the role you have as a parents, how your actions affect this young girl’s life, the better.
And, not that I have kids/am married or anything, but surely being a father should always come before being a partner ?! Your daughter is your child, your flesh and blood, and she will always be your daughter. This woman (and this applies to any partner), she may cheat on your tomorrow, may steal your money and leave, may decide she is bored of you. Is it really such a difficult decision who you have to stick up to ?
I am beyond shocked!
I don’t have anything to add to what everyone has said above, except that this situation reminded me strongly of my friend Jim’s story. Jim had the stepmother from hell as well; his father married the woman when Jim was 12. Jim lived with his dad at the time. She hated the fact that her new husband had a child. She moved in, and immediately began treating Jim as if he was an inconvenience, as if he didn’t have any right to exist in his father’s home, and was verbally abusive to him. His father did absolutely nothing to remedy the situation. Within 6 months, Jim escaped by calling 911 after she slapped him. The court gave his mother full custody, and he moved 3 hours away to live with her. He rarely saw his father through his teenage years. 20 years later, he is still angry with his father for putting that horrible woman above him and allowing her to treat him so badly. He still hates his father’s wife, and rarely makes any effort to see his father. LW, if you don’t do anything to remedy this situation and get rid of this woman, your daughter will be able to tell a very similar tale of “why I don’t have a relationship with my dad.” Is that really what you want?
Oh my. Wow. I understand that your new marriage is difficult on your daughter, and is also difficult on your new wife becoming an instamom. While I know your wife is opposed to it, given the circumstances, therapy would have been wise before any conflict arose given the limited opportunities for your new wife and daughter to become acquainted. Obviously, hindsight is 20/20, and I doubt your wife would have agreed if she is as opposed to therapy as you say she is.
Your wife needs to be the adult here. Your 10 year old daughter not only feels uncomfortable with this new-to-her relationship, she also feels unwelcome in her own father’s home. I agree with her that a counselor is a great way to help mend the relationship between her and your wife. That your wife won’t agree is alarming. She may think therapy is something we Americans are all to willing to indulge in, but this is a clear step in repairing her relationship with your daughter. As adults, it is not uncommon to do things we don’t necessarily agree with – for example, when I’m visiting my parents, I attend Mass even though I am atheist – I do that because I know that me attending Mass means more to them than skipping Mass does to me.
Attending a few therapy sessions for the benefit of the relationship you and she will share with your daughter should be more important to your wife than boycotting therapy based on her prejudice. The longer you indulge your wife’s refusal, the longer your daughter will feel betrayed by you – and you may not be able to earn her trust back. Has your wife proposed any alternative solutions at all? If not, that should also speak volumes about her character, and about how little she values your relationship with your daughter. She just might be the stepmother the Brothers Grimm wrote about!
It’s always interesting to me that SOs/spouses who are described as “wonderful” by LWs seldom turn out to be wonderful. It’s like waiting for the shoe to drop. He’s wonderful, EXCEPT…wait for it…
I had a friend growing up who had a step-mother from when she was a little younger than the LW’s daughter. The step mother treated her like a second-class citizen (especially as compared to the two little “angels” the step-mother had with the dad, who were terrors). I tried to be a supportive friend, but we were in our early teens at that time, so there was really very little I could do except listen. Her mom was literally crazy (like institutionalized for a while, and what little I heard about her made me trust her that she was better off not in my friend’s life), so it was step-mother who hated her and dad who went along with step-mother, or nothing. She had some terrible self-esteem issues, was the first friend I knew with a boyfriend (really a long string of boyfriend starting at maybe 12 or 13), and was constantly rebelling. We mostly lost touch in high school (I tended to switch friend groups a lot), but her situation always kind of bothered me. I don’t know if she would have done better as an emancipated minor, but she was the only friend for whom I thought that might be a good option. I had plenty of friends who hated their parents, but even back then, I could tell she was not in a good place and it affected her on so many levels.
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I think if her dad had listened to her concerns and backed her up, her life would have been a heck of a lot better. Thank goodness the LW’s daughter doesn’t have to just deal with this step-mother’s whims. The daughter seems like a good kid and is taking some reasonable steps, so I hope the LW chooses her well-being in the end and either goes to therapy on his own or with the daughter.
The wife comes first before the children. God, spouse, children, etc…. If he is a good man, then he will choose a good woman. He must support her decisions and not let a 10-year-old rule their living space and world. This young girl will grow up to be an entitled brat if they cave in. And I’m guessing the ex-wife/ mother is egging this on as well. Most ex-wife/mothers love it when their children cause problems in the ex’s new marriage.
You guys missed the fact the new wife had to tell the girl she was there and to deal with it. The girl was most likely being disrespectful. Instead of sending the child to her mother and letting her be disrespectful the dad should of stepped in and told the child he loved her and to treat her like any adult, with respect. Who would let a child be rude to a teacher, but it ik to be rude to step parent.
I’m in the same situation with a 16 year old. I don’t think the mother is bad. I got together with my husband who had a teenage daughter. We got along at first until her mother started getting demanding. My husband had always had financial issues. I, on the other hand, am successful and make a good living. I had a house, luxury cars and was able to do what I wanted. I own my own business as well. When the ex wife and step daughter found out, they started expecting my husband to be an ATM machine. At one point, they demanded a car, knowing he can’t afford it. I always catered to their demands because I know how a father would want to do things for a daughter. When it got extreme.. I no longer wanted to be a part of it. I gave him a choice, continue catering to his gold digging ex wife and money hungry daughter, or be a family with OUR son. I don’t see ANYTHING wrong with the step mother. Sometimes no one fully understands the situation.
I am the daughter of a man that chose his new wife (actually at the time, his gf) over me. I was around ten when they met. We had problems from the start and I’m 32 now. I can’t stand my dads wife. And my relationship with my dad is not good at all. I only see him once a year and it’s awkward and painful. I hope u chose your daughter. Any woman that loves YOU will live your daughter because she is an extension of you. Period. If not, kick her selfish ass to the curb!
This woman is trying to get rid of your daughter. I hate people who sell out their kids to shitty spouses.