“My Newly Divorced Friend Needs a Place to Stay”
I want to be able to help her, but it’s a tight squeeze in my home already, with my mother, me, and my daughter. Plus, my house is in need of repairs. We are down to one bathroom, the other spare room we have is full of household items, and my niece also has her own room when she comes over. It would just be a lot of stress for everyone, and as much as I want to help my friend, it would cause issues that I don’t want anyone to go through. If I had the space and extra bathroom fixed, I would be totally okay with it.
She also suggested we find a place to live together once she can afford to and have us and our daughters live all under the same roof. It sounded like a nice idea initially since we are both single moms, but I am working on getting a mobile home to put on the land here (it’s my mother’s property) so that way we have our own space. My daughter would also want her own room which I have promised her. If I were to room with my friend, she suggested we just share a room with our daughters, so she really is only thinking of a 2-bedroom anyway. Prices in my area are very expensive so even something that small is astronomical. I want to keep my daughter in the school here and also save A LOT of money getting a mobile home.
I guess I just feel guilty. I want to be there for her and for her not be homeless or to struggle and to be comfortable wherever she is living. But I cannot uproot our lives; it would make things harder for everyone, and it would make me, specifically, very stressed and resentful. Any advice? — Wants to Be There for Her
You’re putting all-or-nothing expectations on yourself that are setting you up to feel like a failure as a friend. You can absolutely “be there” for her without sacrificing your sanity, your space, or your family’s well-being. “Being there” is a realistic expectation that provides multiple ways for you to succeed. What is not a realistic expectation is for you to somehow protect your friend from struggling. You can provide support and love and companionship through any struggles she might experience, and that support will no doubt be a source of comfort for her, but you cannot realistically protect her from struggling.
Furthermore, while no one wants to struggle or to see their friends and loved ones struggle, life is not without some struggle and there can be real gifts in adversity that serve us through our lives. Struggle can bring us closer to learning who we are, what we want, and what we need to get to where we want to be. It can help us define what matters most to us and where we find the greatest meaning, and it can help us develop great troves of empathy. I bet you yourself have experienced some struggle in life which has helped you feel empathy for your friend, and maybe even some of your past struggles have led to some of your greatest joys, if even indirectly.
It is admirable that you want to help you friend during this challenging chapter in her life, and there are ways you can do that. You have contacts and connections in town that she may not have, having lived elsewhere for a while. Can you put out feelers about potential inexpensive places for her to live temporarily? Connect her with someone who might be able to give her a job? Share information about schools for her daughter? If your daughter is similar in age, could you host some playdates for them to get to know each other? Can you cook some meals for them in the first weeks in town or even organize a meal train with some other friends as a way to welcome them back to town? Try to come up with a list of things you can do that will help your friend through this new transition and present these ideas to her when you tell her that, unfortunately, you don’t have space in your home for her to live temporarily.
A sample script could go something like this: “I’m so thrilled you are moving back to town, and I can’t wait to spend time in person with you again and to get to know your daughter better and to welcome you into the fold. I wish I had space in my home to offer you a place to stay temporarily when you arrive and as you get your feet on the ground, but I have a full house right now with no room to spare, unfortunately. However, I’ve reached out to some friends and I know about several low-cost housing situations that might work for you. I also have some job leads for you to explore. If you would need storage space, I can make room for a few boxes/suitcases/ etc in my closets/garage/bedrooms. I’ve also arranged for meals to be delivered to you for your first week/ two weeks so you can focus solely on job-hunting, your housing search, and getting your daughter settled in school. I am also happy to help organize any donations that might be useful for you once you know exactly what you need in your new home. And, of course, I’m here for you to listen whenever you need an ear and to be a friend you can have fun with, too. I know things feel hard right now, but I also know through my own experience that there’s joy on the other side of hard things, and I’m going to be there for you through both the hard parts and the joyful parts; I’m so excited to have you close by again.”
You can tweak the script for relevance and put it in your own voice, but as long as you couch the disappointing news – you cannot offer your friend a place to stay – with all the things you *can* help with, she should feel supported. But you can’t control her reaction, and if she’s upset, that’s not your fault and it’s not your job to eliminate her struggles. It’s also important to remember that she’s moving back to town to be close to family, too, so her family can also be a support. This isn’t all on you.
As for your friend’s desire that you find a place to live together, I wouldn’t entertain that idea at all. When she brings it up, simply tell her that you’re set for now and that your own goal is to buy a mobile home to put on your mother’s property so you can have an affordable place to live that provides privacy for you and your daughter as well as the proximity to your mother that benefits you all. Living with a friend is not part of that particular goal, period. It’s healthy and normal to have and express boundaries, and, again, it’s not your job to make your boundaries or your goals or your needs palatable to your friend. You can support her while still honoring your boundaries. In fact, doing so is the best way to sustain a long-term friendship through the various highs and lows life has in store.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.
Excellent advice. I’d add that it sounds like your friend has devised a future scenario for herself that has you front and center. It’s understandable that she would turn to you in a frightening time of transition but you are not her only option, just the easiest one for her now. You have your life to continue to work out and it has its own challenges. Continue to be true to your own goals, and true to your mother and daughter who will also be affected by this change. You’re a good friend but you don’t need to be her savior. Good luck
Excellent advice from Wendy, and a good point raised by Dee. Maybe you seem like a model of what your friend would like to achieve, and that inspires her. Ultimately, you have to “fit your own breathing mask before assisting others” as they say on a plane. With 3 adults, 2.5 young people, and a dog, and potentially feeding those 3 extra mouths (dog + 2; your friend has no job), how will you find the room to breathe?
I love the comments and Wendy’s advice. Just a little to add that might help you frame this without guilting yourself. Your friend is moving to be closer to family so if you don’t provide a place for her and her child which by the way, I don’t think you should, she has family that she can turn to. I question her decision to take the child further from her other parent also. And something to think about in the future if you start to date or your friend starts to date, and one of you end up with a partner, the last thing you wanna have to do is find different living arrangements for your friend and her child again. Stick to your guns. Help where you can but please don’t take them in as those situations hardly ever work out and you could end up losing a friend. She will be fine and be stronger for the effort.
It sounds a bit bananas. What if their house doesn’t sell? Could you see yourself pulling the plug on the arrangement on the dot of 4 months (which is a really long time to share an under-equipped house with 2 extra people). It sounds like it’s your mother’s house. What does she think about it all? What about your friend’s own family? Can they not help her? Help your friend find a place by all means but maybe she can start the process before moving from the house she’s in. Is she in danger of eviction? I’m not sure how packing up her home lock, stock and barrel to move into temporary accommodation would help her situation.Reading between the lines, it seems that you really don’t feel this is a good idea. Go with your instincts, not a misplaced sense of guilt.