“My Wealthy Family Won’t Approve of My Poor Boyfriend”
I come from a pretty wealthy family but still very traditional. That is, if I get in a relationship or when I get married, the man is supposed to pay most of the bills and the woman has to help but not be the one who takes care of everything. We talked about getting married one day, but I am scared to even continue in this relationship knowing that he is still struggling in life and doesn’t have any degree that will bring me “financial security” later in life.
I am not comfortable with the fact that I will be the one who will make more money since I am almost done with my degree. He treats me well and takes me out when he has money, but I have been used to a more “wealthy” lifestyle and I know that my family will never accept this relationship. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I am being selfish and judgmental because I have never been in his situation or if I’m being too naive. I would really appreciate any advice you could give me. — Poor Little Rich Girl
Your first question is easiest to answer, so I’ll start there: no, love is NOT enough to sustain a happy, long-term relationship. It’s certainly not enough to sustain something as serious as a marriage. In addition to love, you need: shared values; mutual respect; compatibility; some common interests; and a shared vision for the future. You also need to be on the same page in terms of finances.
Maybe you have a few of those things, although with your big age difference, it’s hard to imagine that you are very compatible let alone share similar goals. From the sound of it, I doubt you’ve talked much about what your vision is for the future, or what your financial and career goals are, and it doesn’t seem like you have much respect for your boyfriend – so there are some big strikes against you. But these aren’t the only strikes I see against your potential for a happy long-term future with this guy — or any guy, for that matter.
You’re very young and sound naive. That’s not a bad thing, necessarily, but it doesn’t bode well for the happy longevity of this relationship — or, frankly, any relationship, any time soon. You have a lot of ideas of how things are “supposed” to be with little, if any, idea of how reality works. A college degree — even from a wonderful school — doesn’t guarantee an immediate, well-paying job. A marriage — even to someone financially successful — doesn’t guarantee “security,” and following everything your parents ever taught you was right — for you, for them, for your culture — doesn’t guarantee happiness.
The best way to personal fulfillment, both in your relationships and in your career, is to figure out what YOU want. Forget for a moment, if you can, what your family’s expectations are, and what you think society expects, and think about what you want for yourself. Do you want to be a wife and mother? Do you want to stay home with the kids? Do you want a husband who is emotionally attentive and a hands-on father, even if it means bringing home less money that maybe your father did? Or, would you prefer a man who is career-driven and financially ambitious, even if he has to sacrifice time away from you to meet his goals?
You talk about your boyfriend “struggling in life” as if you’re immune to struggles yourself – as if struggles are something you might catch by proximity, a risk you take being intimate with someone who isn’t wealthy. But everyone struggles. Everyone. Some people’s struggles are more obvious than others. And not every struggle can be solved with the flick of a credit card or the material comforts you’ve been used to all your life. Some struggles are relieved most effectively by compassion, generosity of spirit, faith in something bigger than one’s self, and commitment and trust.
I don’t know what your boyfriend’s specific story is. He may not be a catch at all, but not because he doesn’t have a college degree or hasn’t found great financial or career success. Those things aren’t what make a person worth investing in, not really. He may have other things that keep him from being the kind of partner someone like you might want to have for the long-term. Or, he may be exactly the kind of man who will pick you up when you inevitably fall — and you will fall.
Everyone falls at some point, and your boyfriend may be a great support for when you fall precisely because he knows what it’s like to be low and he can might give you the kind of compassion you may not get from your judgmental family with their high expectations and traditional, inflexible view of “success.” He may be the kind of man who will make you laugh when you’re down and celebrate you when you’re up. He may be happy to take on the brunt of the house work if his partner is happy being the main breadwinner. This doesn’t make him lazy, but it may mean he isn’t the best match for YOU — though he may be perfect for someone else — if you see yourself being the stay-at-home spouse in a marriage.
People get sick, jobs are lost, accidents are had. People die, money disappears, mistakes are made. Natural disasters strike, houses collapse, families fall apart. Shit happens. It will probably happen to you. And when it does, who do you want by your side? Someone who will love you whole-heartedly, despite your flaws, despite the mistakes you’ve made that have brought some of your own struggles? Or is it more important to have someone your family deems appropriate?
Maybe you’ll get lucky and find someone who will be both, and I hope that’s the case. But you’d be wrong and naive to think the latter guarantees the former, or that “financial security” lasts forever and you’ll never struggle as long as you’re rich. There are bigger and better armors against life’s struggles than wealth, but even the best of them — love, family, knowledge — can’t always protect you, and in the end, you’re better off facing them with people you really like, not just those who look good on paper.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
never rely on a man to support you…women are now equal and it should never be expected for a man to make more and pay more bills…at the same time he is not a child and you should not have to support him either…there is no reason why he can’t get a decent job and be a contributing partner (oh and never let your family dictate who you love and end up with)
LW, you have a long way to go in terms of figuring out what you want in life. You need to sort out which values you were raised with that you want to keep, and which you are happy living without (very few self-actualized people end up being exact carbon copies of their parents). And until you do that, you should not commit to a permanent future with anyone. Wendy is exactly right: you think money buys a whole lot that it doesn’t (security, etc.), and you need to re-think that approach. However, even if you do, it’s clear that you don’t respect your boyfriend and therefore this relationship can’t work. On some level, I empathize with your feelings. I am drawn to super passionate people who pursue their vocation, whatever it is, with gusto; so I probably wouldn’t be happy with your boyfriend either. But I think you need to sift through which feelings are related to money, and which are related to deeper personal qualities in your boyfriend.
Totally agree with you Desiree. The LW needs to figure out her values. Maybe she agrees with her parents on most of their values, maybe she doesn’t. But a lot of people don’t have concrete ideas of what they want out of life when they are 22 (some do). It’s important to pick a marriage partner with purpose, i.e. not just because you are in love with them. Also…This guy kind of sounds like a loser to me. He’s 31, why hasn’t he done anything with his life yet? All he has to provide is excuses. It’s not like he tried and failed. It just seems like he hasn’t tried yet.
Wendy’s response was lovely, & I hope, LW, that you really take in what she’s telling you about personal struggle/how money does not necessarily equal security.
With that said, it’s still clear that you don’t respect this man—even though you may love him—& that you’re worried about your future together. And I think you’re right to feel that way. He could just need time to get his life straightened out, but his current situation, as you’ve described it, seems to indicate a general lack of stability in character. You’re 22 year old. You don’t need to attach yourself so soon to someone you aren’t even sure about.
Also (& I guess it’s good this is a separate comment, because it might be kind of derailing & could get the LW on the defense) but the age thing doesn’t sit right with me. He’s 31, she’s 22. It’s not a HUGE gap, but with those ages—they’re at completely different places in life. The fact that he went for someone that young is another flag to me that he’s sort of…under-developed…himself.
WFS…It’s frankly a little creepy to me. It’s not that its a 9 year age gap, it’s that those are very important 9 years in your life.
Yes! The age difference and the job situation are big red flags. Plus there’s a kid. The LW didn’t say anything if the boyfriend has custody, pays child support, etc. That’s another red flag
I think the LW gets a sense this relationship shouldn’t continue.
“That is, if I get in a relationship or when I get married, the man is supposed to pay most of the bills and the woman has to help but not be the one who takes care of everything.” –you are in for a long and unhappy life, i think, with this attitude.
this reminds me of a book a read last weekend. it was called four wives and it was about these four women (wives and mothers) who live in a very rich suburb of NYC, and all their struggles. one is stupidly wealthy and has “people” to do literally everything for her, and she hates her life, and her husband is a dick and is violent with her. at the end of the book she fires everyone because she figures out that she isnt living her life- she is simply managing the people who are living her life for her… mothering for her, taking care of her house for her, cooking for her, planning her parties for her, ect. she also leaves her husband, the first in her family of wealthy NYC-ers who stay married no matter what for appearances. the other wives have other issues (one is having an affair, one has a deep dark secret that is threatening to come back and ruin her, one is a divorce lawyer who is working a case where a baby died and she thinks her client is the one who killed her), but i thought that the rich character’s struggles were very poignant. all the money she had and her “perfect” life meant nothing- if anything, her perfect life and money were killing her. in the end, she finds happiness in herself… because thats where it comes from.
Screw what your life “should” look like. Screw the “should” altogether.
Lw, you kinda sound like a gold digger. There is nothing wrong with wanting a traditional marriage where the woman stays home, I have one. It sounds though like you expect to just waltz into a relationship where the man is ready for that so you don’t have to work. Most if those marriages and relationships go through “poor years” in the beginning where you build up to be able to do so. It takes sacrifice.
“He lost his license,” is glossed over quickly. Multiple DUIs? Multiple reckless driving and/or speeding citations? Red flag, something amiss here. Hard luck from having to care for your girlfriend and her daughter does not equate to having to lose your license. He is telling the tale of being in difficulty, because he was so responsible and supportive of his ex. The lost license and school dropout tell a different story.
Wendy is right that you sound naive and sheltered. You also sound like you are unable to think for yourself and bouncing back and forth between what your parents think and what your bf thinks. Given that, a 31-year old guy graduate of the school of hard knocks is simply to old for you. Some 22-year olds can handle that age/experience difference, but it sound as though you cannot.
You sound really traditional for a young woman of your generation. If you are dating a guy whom you know to be hard up and have done so for six months, why does he still do all the paying when the two of you go out? If you are almost finished with a college degree and come from wealth, why do you feel that your future financial stability is dependent upon the earning power of the man you marry?
You and this guy seem way too different for this relationship to work. It might be good experience for you, but it isn’t going to last. I don’t think you will really be able to have a healthy ‘forever’ relationship until you can establish some independence from your parents, supporting yourself, setting your own goals, living your life by your own values, and telling your parents that you love them but will happily accept responsibility for your own choices.
WWS.
One of the things I’ve struggled with a lot as an adult, was that I just always sort of had this idea in my head of what my life was going to be like. I assumed I’d have a life like my parents, as I think many of us do. I figured I’d meet a guy in college, get married, have kids, live in a nice house in the burbs, the husband would be the main financial supporter, and I’d stay home at least part time with the kids. But it didn’t work out that way for me, and it’s ok.
LW, you need to embrace the fact that your life can be whatever you want it to be. Just because your family does things one way, doesn’t mean that you have to do it that way, too. It’s a lesson that could really benefit you in the future, so, please think about it.
Despite what I’ve said above, I don’t think this guy is the guy for you.
i also dont think this guy is right for her, but i think its because she is the ultimate issue… like, i feel like she is going to go through boyfriend after boyfriend, trying to find this perfect man to fit her mold, but ultimately, she is going to be the main issue that gets in the way of her own happiness, you know?
until she addresses these weird issues she has related to money and marriage, i dont think she will be happy. she will end up like the characters in my book.
Damn, Wendy is on a roll lately! So wise and compassionate. Only thing I got is a WWS.
Agreed! Well done Wendy!
WWS!
Just want to echo Wendy’s sentiments about realizing what is important to YOU in a partner or relationship, rather than what you think it “supposed to be” important.
As an example, I am in an amazing and fulfilling relationship with someone who makes less than half my salary. Our financial situation is not really the scenario I’d envisioned for my ‘dream relationship,’ but my partner is loving and wonderful and contributes to our life in a hundred ways that have nothing to do with his paycheck.
Wendy, awesome response. LW, no one can decide what’s best for you except for YOU. Yes, parents have some words of wisdom for sure. And god knows at 22 the chances of us having it all figured out are zilch. Hell, people go their entire lives without figuring things out. But you know yourself better than Wendy, than any of us commenters, than your significant other. Just remember that. And don’t necessarily let someone else’s expectations about what you SHOULD be doing monopolize your decision.
You can not have a successful long term relationship with out having similar financial goals and expectations. Seriously. If you and your partner don’t see eye to eye on spending and saving and on the kind of financial lifestyle you want for your life, it’s not going to work.
So no, love isn’t enough to sustain a relationship indefinitely. It’s takes a lot of hard work, compromise, honesty, forgiveness…the list goes on and on.
I would like to know if anyone has actually gotten their desired happy outcome by “waiting and being patient” for an unknowable amount of time while their under-invested (or under-achieving) partner…decides if marriage is for them…finishes their novel…finds themself…pulls it together…gets a real job, etc.
Great response, Wendy.
LW, my wife and I met in college, and for a long time we never had anything. By our mid-20s, we both had Master’s degrees, but due to economic circumstances in our part of the world, we had no jobs and no prospects. I worked several minimum wage temporary manual labour jobs after I had my Master’s. because you do what you gotta do to get by. We both re-invented ourselves several times, and neither of us is working in the field we envisioned when we started. But we are happy and are finishing a lot stronger, in part because of what we had to go through and the struggles we had to face in order to become real adults, and to take full responsibility for our choices.
If you had judged me by the same standards as your guy, I would not have looked like a catch. I’m not rich now, so your parents would likely not approve of me. Wealth is not a big priority in our life, possibly because it was never an option. But I earned every single damn thing I have. I am self-made. And my wife and I, thanks to having faith in each other and our relationship, have shared more than two decades of life and love.
TL;DR: Sort your values out and grow the hell up. And let this guy go, because it’s not fair to him to subject him to your skewed view of the world. Frankly, right now, you are the one who is not much of a catch, but you might grow into one, once you’ve gone through a buit of real life.
Oh and another thing: don’t you want to achieve something with your own life, and not just be “cared for” by some man? Is this modern times or what?
“He may not be a catch at all, but not because he doesn’t have a college degree or hasn’t found great financial or career success. Those things aren’t what make a person worth investing in”
I love this, Wendy. It echoed my thoughts exactly. It seems that the women who choose their mate based on his “resume” (education, career, bank account balance, social standing) are often the ones who end up the most unhappy. If you find someone you love hanging out with even if date night consists of Kraft mac n cheese and Franzia, you’ve found the golden ticket in life and love. Your “wealth” could disappear in a second and then what will your relationship be based on? If it’s based on true love, it won’t matter.
Also, you’re an adult now so it doesn’t matter what your family thinks about your boyfriend. It’s your life to live, not theirs. Do whatever makes you happy.
I really needed to read this today –not because I have the same issue as the LW, but because I’m just starting to get a sense of what I want for my future. I had one vision for it, but since life has forced me to rewrite that script, these are the kinds of questions I need to ask myself. Last night I was talking to my best friend and had the realization that I may be capable of having feelings for someone other than my ex -no one in particular, I just think I’m there, so to speak. It’s both exhilarating and terrifying.
And just to reinforce what Wendy was saying, LW, my ex is very well educated and incredibly ambitious. He has a pull-yourself-up-by-the-bootstraps success story. I always respected his hard working attitude so much. And he loved me like crazy- still does- but (you knew there would be a but!), he can’t get out of his own way, he’s ambivalent about every.single.decision he makes- and that included us. Over time, that took a huge toll on my sense of self. As my best friend says: On paper he and I are perfect for each other. And then life happens, resentment builds, shit gets complicated. There is no perfect formula. The only thing you can do is figure out what you want, and put your whole self into that. Listen to your gut, but keep an open mind. You’ll make better choices if you’re honest with yourself. Promise.
“I come from a pretty wealthy family but still very traditional. That is, if I get in a relationship or when I get married, the man is supposed to pay most of the bills and the woman has to help but not be the one who takes care of everything.”
Ewwwww. Please don’t marry anyone LW until you give this some serious thought – is this you or your family and you just never thought about it!?! And if this is you at least be open and honest with any partner you may be with that this is how you feel. And how do you end up even dating someone and falling in love with a man you clearly don’t respect. You have a lot of time to grow up and start thinking for yourself – I hope you do that.
Whatever you do, don’t keep this BF in any misguided attempt to “prove” you are egalitarian at heart.
Because you are not.
At least, not yet.
LW, I think you need to reframe this a little bit. I think this guys sounds like short term material, not long term material. It isn’t the no college vs. college thing. It is the lack of motivation. This guy goes from dead end job to dead end job, loses his license, starts going to college and dropping out. Let me be clear. I think a college drop out has no value for money. If you are going to pay 10s of thousands of dollars for an education and not see it through, then he isn’t worth it.
Wendy is right that life will hit you hard at times. However, a hardworking man that values money can weather storms much better than a spend thrift. If he had a direction, then it might be different. If he had one job that he was slowly working his way up or going to trade school that you can see the determination to do better, it would be different. But all he has shown you is that he does just enough to get by.
I think this relationship is just rebellion on your part.
It doesn’t really sound like this is the relationship for you, but I have some advice for when you meet the next (next, next?) guy…
Your family may surprise you. I married someone I didn’t expect my family to like because he wasn’t perfect “on paper” (specifically, I though the major sticking point for my rich, old-fashioned grandparents would be our difference of religion, as well as his lack of “good breeding” whatever-the-fuck that is worth) but they surprised me by seeing past his “resume” to the fact that he made me happy and our personalities complemented each other.
Being a grown-up means you sometimes have to decide what’s right for you and not listen to your family. Being a grown-up also means approaching this in a productive manner rather than stomping your feet and slamming the door all “It’s my life!”
I really think the focus on her traditional mindset is misplaced. What we have is a naive 22 year old, starry eyed over her older man, eating up his adoring ways– and ignoring the very significant deficits that he has as a partner. So while, yes, LW needs to work on understanding her own worldview before confining her life to the worldview of others, she, more importantly, needs to recognize her own need for safety from leeches, i.e., the 31 year old man who seldom has cash, doesn’t have a drivers license, takes temporary odd jobs from time to time, has a child, and generally just manages to scrape by. This is not the man for ANY woman, let alone the LW. Honestly, she doesn’t sound like a gold digger– he does.
It’s funny — when I was 22, I couldn’t have cared less whether a guy had money or not. As I’ve grown older, I start caring about their earning potential a whole lot more. I make a good salary, so this isn’t gold-digging, it just factors into the equation way more now. Has anyone else experienced that?
What caught my eye here is the fact that the boyfriend is 31 and from the LW’s admission, has only worked temporary jobs to supposedly support himself. He claims that it was because he was supporting his last girlfriend and HER daughter. Excuse me? A man who is SUPPORTING a (psuedo) family will work something other than temporary jobs because they want a STEADY paycheck to ensure the bills are being paid.
Note that he centered the blame on the girlfriend. How long were they together? A few years? Since high school? He says he applied for school last year. He would have been 29/30 then. She was the blame for him dropping out. So what the hell about the rest of his 20s?
Something doesn’t smell right here.
I came from a “traditional” family. I bucked tradition. My first husband had enough damned excuses to fill the senate floor. Granted, I was also in my teens while he was in his 30s. We didn’t last long because I smartened up and got tired of being walked all over (among other things).
You need to do more digging into this guy’s history. Get the whole story. I highly doubt the story at it’s current face value. I don’t think the relationship will last, and I think you should move on to something a bit safer. Let this guy know that when he finds steady work and is in a better space to be dating (because financially, he doesn’t sound like he’s in a good place to be dating), then he can give you a call. Then maybe change your number?
WWS! LW I would like to add some things here though. Money can buy a lot of stuff, but money cannot buy you a healthy, happy, caring, supportive relationship. That is something that has to be worked on. Relationships are alot of work. And the work does not stop once a wedding ring goes on your finger either. No relationship is perfect because people are not perfect. I also do not think you know what you want in a partner. You are a young woman, and I do not know what kind of relationships you have had in the past. You need to figure out what you want out of life: type of career, where you want to live, if you want children etc. Than you need to figure out what you want in a partner, and I do not mean ‘ he has to be the hottesr guy in town’ or ‘ he must have blue eyes, blond hair, and a tight butt’ or ‘he must be loaded so daddy likes him’ but what do you really want? A great personality, awesome sense of humor, career driven, does/does not want kids and the list can go on and on and on. It has to be someone who brings out the best in you, who makes you extremely happy, who you want to see after a long day of work. And do not fret over whether your parents like him because of his financial situation. Because in the long run, if this guy makes you really trulyhppy, your parents will see that and respect him for it. Everything is not about the almighy dollar, it is more about your happiness and for future and doing whats right for you.
Okay, I think most people covered the important stuff so I am going to skip over the “he makes more money than me” thing. Listen to that, and take it all into account. I put this graph up here because I feel like this LW may be living in a little bit of a bubble in another way. I have no idea what you are getting your degree in, and because you are “wealthy” I am going to assume that you didn’t have to pay your way through school. BUT…
A DEGREE IS NOT A GUARANTEE OF A JOB AND IT SURE AS HELL IS NOT A GUARANTEE OF $$. If you got your degree in English, don’t be so sure that you are going to be making more money than your BF. Even if you got a degree in something that you might assume would make you money, the job market is tough out there and it may be a BIG wake up call for you. You sound a bit like a “friend” from freshman dorms who got her degree in Biological Anthropology, started dating a Dairy Science guy, and then was so confused when her degree was both useless and she couldn’t just instantly be a stay at home wifey.
I just don’t like this whole “I have a degree and therefore I am going to be making to much money” mentality… because I have seen quite a few times recently that that is just not true in this economy.
I skimmed some of these responses and I think that people are being overly harsh on the LW. There’s nothing wrong with wanting a partner who’s financially stable and can hold down a job. Honestly, you’re 22 years old.. when you graduate and get your job, you’ll got to HH and events filled with other 20-something year olds also with college degrees and similar fields that you are in. Why not explore your options and maybe, just maybe, wait for the guy who you like, treats you well and is financially stable and can hold down a job? Even if this guy is the love of your life and your soul mate, at 22, you’re still too young to figure that out, so go out and date whoever you want to date. From 21-27, I date all kinds of guys that weren’t right for me and would never be long material but it was fun! Now that I’m finally ready to become an adult and take things seriously, my priorities and what I look for in a guy has totally changes. There’s no more heart-wrenching “but I love him but he’s not right”. It’s more like “he’s not right” and that’s it. So go out, have fun and stop being serious.When you’re ready, your priorities will begin to change as well.
The thing I’m most concerned about in your letter is how far apart you are in age and in life. 22 and 31? How did you meet? What do you have in common? Let me guess he’s hott right?
Just kidding. Kind of. I’m not judging you for wanting a good life. I do too. I’m just trying to provide it for myself in case, god forbid, Ethan dies or we decide we hate each other. But still – if you’re willing to risk those two options for your potential husband you can spend your life however you want.
People are ragging on you because you’ve worded your letter to sound like you’re speaking for your parents. But I’m interpreting all this to mean that while your parents opinions mean a lot to you – you also feel this way. And that’s okay! But can this guy give you what you’re looking for.
I’m going to share an unpopular opinion. The chances of someone getting their shit together – when they’re not on track to do so – at 31! is unlikely. So now you need to make a choice. And frankly you’re pretty young to be settling on something that is so important to you. You will likely never be able to be a stay at home mom (or wife) and if that’s important to you you need to bow out now.
There is a happy medium between CEO and unemployed. There are plenty of careers that may never make you rich but will provide a happy stable life. Teachers. Firefightings. Accountants. If stability is what you want in life you should be with someone that is capable of providing that.
Or alternatively, sign up for who wants to marry a millionaire.
Please separate out your worry about your family accepting him and first decide if he’s right for you. I am from a affluent family and my parents always said they don’t care if I fall in love with a ditch digger as long as he is a ditch digger that takes pride in his work and treats me well. I don’t buy this guy’s excuse about not taking care of himself because he had to support his family. That doesn’t explain why he lost his license. Honestly, I think you guys are just too different for this to work out for the long run.
Guys, am i missing something? This guy has no real job, no degree, he dropped out of college recently, he blames his ex for his problems, and he has no real plan to fix any of the above. I don’t think this girl has the right words to say what she knows in her gut. Its not just that this guy doesn’t make good money, its that he is kind of a loser. And she comes from a family of winners. Honestly LW, your instincts are right, even if your choice of wording is off. There is nothing wrong with wanting a husband who has steady employment (or wife, for that matter). Enjoy his while it lasts but know that this will end eventually. And that’s for the best.
I think he’s a loser too!
Couldn’t have said it better myself. Everyone around here loves to believe that the world should be idealistic. But idealism doesn’t pay the bills. The fact of the matter remains – a loser is a loser – and having basic standards is necessary (and good!)
“Honestly LW, your instincts are right, even if your choice of wording is off.”
Yeah, this. I think everybody got kind of sidetracked by the LW’s imperfect phrasing, which led to other discussion about finances/expectations/whatever.
But the fact remains…this guy seems like kind of a lost soul who is most likely a drain on this LW’s potential. Soooo I hope she reads all the responses THOROUGHLY & isn’t just like “No, no, I’m not shallow, I swear! To prove it, I will continue dating this man!”
I agree, she really doesn’t need to justify to us that she doesn’t want that kind of future with this guy… But I also think that she may be the idealistic pie-in-the-sky about what she wants from a partner. And that needs to be addressed as well. Or she needs to become a more effective communicator.
I also think he’s a loser. However, just because THIS particular guy is a loser doesn’t mean that she’s completely right. She’s certainly free to look for whatever qualities she wants in a man, but if she honestly only wants a man who makes more than her or who is wealthy, she might miss out on some good, hard-working guys simply because they work in a lower-paying field (teaching, as an example, comes to mind).
MOA. If a 31 year old guy struggles over the simple things, or the logistical things or has a problem keeping it all together, when he is in a committed relationship guess who is going to have to keep it all together for him on all levels? His partner! Find someone who has his shit together a bit more.
And I want to add that I did this. I was 18 and worked at a national park during the summer after freshman year. I ended up dating a hard luck but compassionate alcoholic who was 24. His whole life was a hard luck story, and he liked that I listened to him. It ended when I went back to college at the end of the summer. A google search of him doesn’t turn up his name, but he has a son with the same name ( spitting image) who was born the year after I knew him by some other poor girl and the son has an extensive criminal record and is in jail…. I never met the man again, he called me only once while I was at college, though a few years later I was taking a bus to the west coast and saw him loading baggage, he worked for Greyhound…. and a few years after that I got an AA type confessional letter… but he could very well be dead now. A learning experience, yes, but not LTR material at all…
You are so spot on, Wendy. Yet another beautifully written and incredibly useful piece of advice.
I have a boyfriend, he’s not rich and am even helping him out with financially. We love each other. I told my sister in law everything about my relationship and how am even helping him out with finances. She went ahead and told my brothers about us and how I spent on my boyfriend. My brothers called my boyfriend on phone telling him how I spent on him and demanding that he returns the money to me.. My boyfriend called me and told me that he spoke with my brothers about to pay me back the money.. Pls what will I do save my relationship? Thank you.
Lots of haters in the comments and DW’s reply is condescending. You’re right LW is young, but let’s not gloss over the fact that her BF is a project and a half and no one should be dating a project, I don’t care what your values are or how much money you have. Her BF is a predatory dumpster fire of problems and baggage and not fit enough to be considered a man. He deserves no one at this time, and is praying on a young woman from a wealthy family.
Let me do better:
LW, it’s okay if money is important to you, you are ALLOWED to want the life you want. You don’t owe this giant red flag of a human anything, not your time, not your kindness, not your patience, not your money. Enjoy being young. Date yourself for a year and focus on yourself. Don’t worry about hurting someone else’s feelings, their feelings are not your fault, ago you don’t owe them anything. This guy is using you, even if you think you love him. I get it he fills up your love cup, and it feels good, but what he’s doing to you right now isn’t love, it’s manipulation. Trust your guy, if something feels off, which writing your questions means it does, end it. You have the love and support of your family, and friends. And yes, your parents are right about this. You got this.
I commend the LW for writing in, for realizing she may be naive and untested in life! Wendy’s response is on point and I hope brings a lot of clarity to the LW. I smiled when I read the letter though only because I know she will find out the answers to her questions as life happens and I’m hoping it’s a gentle learning curve. But we can’t count on that so it’s wonderful that she wrote in and got a little bit of an eye-opener from Wendy. I know it’s hard to fathom but things do happen whether we are prepared for them or not, and her upbringing has not been helpful in that regard though lovely. In any case, she should keep living her best life, be open to learning and seeing the world through her own eyes and other’s rather than just her parents’. She should volunteer somewhere…a hospital, a food bank or kitchen. Then she’ll get an idea of the world outside of her own limited experience.
The age gap:
Women his own age threw him back into the dating pool because he hasn’t grown up.
Live a little before worrying about “Mr. Right.” You have the rest of your long long life to settle down.
LW, you are young and you have your entire life ahead of you. Love is definitely not enough to keep two people together. I think if you *really* loved your boyfriend you would know and you would risk it all to be with him. But the fact that you are wondering and asking these questions mean you have doubts about your boyfriend and your future. I think you should cut your losses and find someone you have more in common with. It’s okay to want an easier life or to want nice things. You need to find a person who wants to build that life with you.