“My Wife Hates My Marijuana-Smoking”

181 Comments

1. PS What does it mean to have “nothing shared” when you’ve been married for a year? To me, that speaks more volumes than almost anything else!

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   1. I was thinking didn’t own property together? House, car, etc?

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      1. Well they now share a “debate” over his marijuana use

      2. Haha true!

   2. Agreed, I think he means no joint accounts or credit cards, and in general no large purchases like car, house, etc. It is a strange way to word it.

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      1. Yes, I don’t think anyone would have thought twice if he’d said they have no shared assets but the way he put it seems to speak more to the relationship than their finances.

   3. It just means he looked up on how to divorce in CA, which in this case a simple agreed-upon dissolution will work (No community owned property, no kids, no assets over 35k, no debt together). Technically for a 1 year old marriage, it makes sense.

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2. LW, is it the pot or your behavior with the pot? So my husband and i smoke a few times a year. but usually it is 3 days in a row then months off. The problem is that we don;t get anything done when we are like that. I wonder if she wishes that you both were more active. Does this mean that you work all day then sit like a bump on a log all night?

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   1. I think from the tone of the letter, his wife is against all pot use. But I think for a lot of people, that is an important topic. I’m like you, when I’m high, I’m a useless bump on a log, and that’s why I used to love it once or twice a month in the evening. Some people I know are totally functional and I can’t even tell the difference in their personality. Then some people are total dicks while high.

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      1. I had a friend in college that would get high then get paranoid about his grades and study. He graduated with a 4.0

      2. That’s interesting. Was he otherwise unmotivated?

      3. I had numerous friends in university that were straight A students in university and now get close to 100k a year who smoked pot everyday. For a lot of them it took the edge off their ADD or anxiety and allowed them to sit down and concentrate or helped them sleep at night.

      4. I’m no sure. He was always high. Literally woke up, amoked, went to class, went home to smoke, repeat until end of day, smoke, study, sleep.

      5. You are right about personality. But he said he used it to relax which made me think he would just chill out. I was just wondering if the wife couldn’t articulate why it bothered her. It might be more than just a blanket hatred of weed.

      6. I’m assuming that if he is using it to relax and sleep he is zoned out. I could be wrong because I’ve never used it or hung out with people who used it. I hate the smell and would’t want to kiss someone who smelled of it, let alone have sex with them. I wouldn’t want the smell in my clothes. I know that when someone comes into work smelling like weed (patron not employee) everyone comments on it. My brother used it and was always glassy eyed. He no longer uses it but is still glassy eyed because he drinks all day so maybe his glassy eyes were always due to alcohol.

      7. I’m totally aware, and alert when I’m on the herb. Cannabis never slowed me down unless I had nothing else to do. I’m a successful pipe welder and it just just enhanced my awareness. Non users are like people who never learned how to swim, but condemn it. We often get in to what’s LEGAL, but slavery was legal before. Yeah it’s not cool to hide information, but I’ll say this, if you’re productive, and intelligence is enhanced while engaging in cannabis treat it just like going vegan, or plant based to enhance your health. Many judge, but are dying with cancer, diabetes, and heart disease that link to poor diet, but wait, it’s LEGAL!! So, as long as you slowly kill yourself in a LEGAL manner it becomes exceptable 😂. See I’ve been nagged like this too, but I challenged to the core because many times these debates can be very manipulative if you’re not universally knowledgeable. You might quit using cannabis for your spouse, but she won’t consider changing eating habits that’ll lead her to the LEGAL drug store that will destroy you in due time, and the LEGAL physicians won’t, and can’t cure you holistically. You’ll end up taking care of your sick spouse for poor eating habits and lack of fasting plus exercise very prematurely, but women who can manipulate their spouse turn the blind eye to that type of logic. See their decisions are based off of LEGAL ⚖ policies, but the legal system is very corrupt, but if that’s in your field of work you uphold it like it’s a natural law when constitutional laws were set in place for monetary gains only, and the strategically throw bible scriptures around the con man’s laws. Due diligence is required to have knowledge wisdom and understanding to defend your sanity especially when you’re thriving and your partner is LEGALLY blinded and refuses to see to reconcile.

3. LW, frankly you sound like a real asshole. You call your wife ignorant and compare her to a monkey? WTF? Let’s take the weed out of the picture all together – you’re being a dick and you have no respect for your wife.

   My response might be a bit clouded because someone picked pot over me in the past – but it all boils down to you are a bad match and she deserves someone that can respect her. That’s not you.

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   1. Oh, and it wasn’t necessarily the pot by itself that bothered me about my ex, it was how much he was smoking, how lazy and rude he was while smoking, and the fact that the whole damn house reeked of it ALL THE TIME. Legal or not, I would have felt the same if he was drinking all the time (which he also did).

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   2. Yeah, my whole issue with this LW wasn’t that he always smokes weed but that he’s a dick. He’s so damned disrespectful & condescending in the way he talks about his wife. If it’s coming through in a letter (that he presumably edited after writing), I can imagine he’s worse in real life.
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      Look dude, if you want to smoke weed go ahead but your wife doesn’t have to agree with it. She’s free to feel that way and you have absolutely no right to invalidate her feelings, thoughts or opinions on the issue. This is a huge flag that you are not a good match. Let her move on to have the kind of relationship that she wants!

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   3. LW, I dont want to pile on here, per se, but yeah…you come off like a real d*ckhead. But you seem to have this weird vein of not wanting to be one. Well, lemme tell you- you arent doing a very good job of it. In fact, you come off as INCREDIBLY condescending in this letter. I mean, you say that you wish she would divorce you or else you’re just going to have to do it. Uhh… is she supposed to thank you for letting her file before you do?
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      The thing you said that really bothered me most was, “[t]rust me, I have tried and tried to educate her with no success.” Then you equate her comprehension to that of a monkey. Ummmm no. Stop being a jerk. File for divorce, dont blame her for it- place the blame where it rightly belongs- on your lying, condescending *ss.

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4. Now after some past experiences with weed in my family ( I have never smoked it), I am more open to the idea of weed and accepting of it. But honestly, 1-2 times a day 5 days a week, to me that seems excessive and past recreational use. Even if your wife was open to you smoking weed, I think she would probably still voice concern on the amount you smoke. Obviously your wife won’t change her mind about weed, which is unfortunate because she seems very narrow minded and closed about it. But that should have been enough for you to realize you two were not a good match morals wise. I would have been very insulted and angry if someone pulled the wool over my eyes about their weed use if I was that passionate about its use. I think you need to make a conscious decision about whether you are willing to stick around and deal with her view on something that you use often and openly. Because she will clearly not change her mind about it.

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   1. I agree with Cleopatra. Smoking multiple times a day, nearly every day of the week, is way beyond causal user territory. It really sounds like this guy is an addict, or at the very least using the marijuana as a crutch to deal with his issues instead of using more productive means.

      So let me get this straight, LW. Your wife made it crystal clear before you got married that she’s vehemently opposed to marijuana use. You lied to her about your long history using it, and then a few months after you got married you decided to start smoking prolifically, to the point that you are high most of the time you are not at work. Your wife, predictably, reacted badly. And you have the audacity to say this is somehow her fault and SHE needs to be the one to change?? I agree with Wendy, give her a divorce and a chance to find a decent guy who will live and respect her.

      Honestly, you sound like a complete jerk. Your actions were selfish, you clearly have zero respect for your wife, and I’ll bet being high all night doesn’t leave you in any state to help with housework or meals, to spend quality time with your wife, or to be a very good husband. And yet you seem to think the problems are her fault. Good luck finding a woman who wants to put up with someone who is either stoned or a complete jerk.

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      1. I think it sounds like the LW knew he previously smoked pot and then after they married he started again. I may be wrong because of all the comments about him lying to her but I’m not sure he lied about it, I think he changed his mind and wanted to start smoking it again even knowing how she felt and she expresses her displeasure. I would also question how much he smokes, the cost involved, how he acts while high, if he’s able to participate in after work activities or if he’s a total couch potato. He sounds super douchey and I think too he’s using it as a crutch.

      2. “I should have taken this as a red flag and ended the relationship right there and then. At the time I was not smoking, so I let it go.”

         He could have said something when she gave her opinion on marijuana use but he didn’t. He could have told her about his past but he didn’t. Then when he started using again, after they were married, he didn’t tell her he was using. That is why everyone says he’s a liar. He hid his past and when he started using again he hid it in the present. That’s lying and it has led to an unhappy marriage for both of them.

      3. I guess this is why I said I didn’t think he was lying. He wasn’t using when she expressed her opinion so I’m guessing he thought it was a moot point. Maybe he never planned on doing it again so why even bring it up. Now once he started he had to know how she’d feel about it and shouldn’t be surprised with her reaction let alone act like a douche about it. To me lying is when you are doing something but tell someone you’re not or vice versa. Not disclosing your opinion or your past when someone has a different view to me isn’t lying. It’s not an ideal situation for sure but like I said maybe he honestly thought he’d never do it again. At this point it’s all semantics because I don’t think it’s going to work out anyway.

5. I think by “nothing shared” he meant property (or any financial commitments) but I agree that his choice of words is telling.

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   1. I assume he meant no joint bank accounts and no joint property but it is jarring to read as the way a man describes his marriage.

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6. The LW’s contempt for his wife is palpable. You say your wife is ignorant and unwilling to educate herself, also she is self-righteous and a nag.

   Let’s take a look at you.

   “a couple months after marriage, I decided to start smoking cannabis again. Eventually, she found out” You were hiding what you were doing until caught. You were lying by ommission.

   ” I said, “OK, I will quit.” Of course, that did not happen.” You lied again.

   “I continued to smoke and she continued to find out.” You kept hiding your true self and she kept finding out. You act like a small child, lying and getting caught over and over.

   “I have offered compromises such as cutting back on my smoking and not smoking around her. I have made good on these promises but it is not good enough for her. I tend to smoke everyday 1-2 times at night after work.” If this is the cut back version of yourself how much were you smoking when you weren’t cutting back?

   Spending an evening with you sounds like spending an evening with someone who is self-absorbed with their weed. Only someone who also likes to smoke weed would want to spend their evening with you. Your wife is spending her evening alone because you are spending yours with weed. Also, she has to worry about her home smelling and her clothes smelling. The smell does hang on you and people around you do know when you reek of it. Why would she want to be associated with that when she doesn’t use?

   You lie to your wife and feel contempt for her. Let her go. She can do better. Next time don’t pretend be something other than what you are.

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   1. Totally agree with all of this.

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   2. Bullshit. A smoker knows how to smoke weed with zero smell clinging on. I work in a 502; I literally come home covered in green marijuana. The smell is delicious but burned weed is HORRIBLE. Use a hitter pipe take fast and deep hits. Brush your teeth rinse your mouth and wash your face. Zero smell. Literally my wife sticks her tongue down my throat after this and she doesnt notice. For backstory my wife knew and saw me smoke weed before marrying me she NEVER told me anything negative about it. i even went to see her reaking of weed and never told me anyting. but now that were married it is considered the most terrible act a man could EVER do to a woman AND even literally quoting her she said shed she’d prefer to be cheated on WTFFFFFFF

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   3. Yes, he was acting like a small child. That’s what happens in the significant other in your life acts like a mommy. Now, I wonder if she would have a problem if he admitted to using anti-depressants?

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7. I’m as open-minded about marijuana as they come. But the issue here isn’t the pot, and you know that. You could use marijuana interchangably with anything in your letter (porn, drinking, etc) and the issue would still be the same-you lied to your wife. You knew your wife felt strongly against something and thought she would change HER mind. I strongly disagree with your wife’s views on pot, but guess what, she’s entitled to those views. You admit that you weren’t forthcoming about your history and enjoyment of smoking recreationally, so the problem is honestly with you.

   If the freedom to use pot recretionally without judgement is something that’s important to you, that’s ok. What’s not ok is to lie to your wife and expect that SHE needs to meet your expectations. I think you’d be better off finding someone who’s views are more aligned with yours, and your wife deserves someone who isn’t going to lie to her just to keep her around.

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8. Answered in the forums as well, but I also think it’s interesting that you quit so many times for “various reasons.” If it was for more benign reasons like money, etc. then I think you’d list them. But if it was more like using to cope or lack of motivation that speaks a lot to your behavior.
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   I know I favor legalization as well because people are allowed to make bad decisions for themselves and to use responsibly. You see it with the much worse substance of alcohol every day. I couldn’t stand living with someone who smokes daily. I did when I got out of college and it was annoying. It was annoying behaviorally, it affected my allergies more than I thought it would, it was used socially so there was always people hanging out at my place. I would be annoyed if my husband started using it daily and I knew that he did back in the day. Heck, I did too once in a blue moon, too spendy for my tastes and again with the allergies.

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9. In many ways this parallels an affair.

   First the sneaking around and lying when using weed. The self-absorbed focus on the weed over wife.

   Then when caught promising it would never happen again, but of course it did. Now he openly puts his focus and time in the evening on weed and not with his wife.

   Being angry when told he has to choose between weed and the wife.

   He sounds like a man who has made weed his mistress and can’t see why that should be a problem for his wife and his marriage. I wonder if he would be as understanding as he wishes she were if she spent her evenings wrapped up with a boyfriend while he spends his wrapped up with weed.

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   1. I don’t have much of a response to this other than it’s at least a little overboard. Also, we don’t know what he acts like high, he might be perfectly normal and that’s why it took him awhile to get caught. So to say he is “wrapped up with weed”, that’s just making assumptions with information we just don’t know.

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      1. A lot of the damage from an affair is the lying and resulting lack of trust, the repeated promises to quit but not quitting whether his use of weed or an affair. He has done so much damage to his marriage by sneaking and lying and making promises that he doesn’t keep that there is no way his wife could trust him at this point. It’s the same kind of foundational damage to a marriage that an affair does. The sense of being married to someone you don’t know and can’t trust.

      2. I think at the end of the day, it’s comparing apples to oranges. Is the guy an asshole who obviously doesn’t respect his wife? Absolutely. But there is still a big difference between a behaviour/habit, and an affair with a person.

      3. I agree it isn’t a perfect analogy but I think a lot of the damage to the marriage is the same.

10. LW, you accuse your wife of being righteous, but listen to yourself. You have absolutely no respect for your wife. You call her a monkey and belittle her constantly throughout your letter. Now, I think marijuana should be legal as well, but I wouldn’t spend any time with you, either, because you’re just a dick, stoned or not. The fact is you lied to your wife and continue to do so. If she were asking for advice, I’d tell her to leave you ASAP for someone who will treat her better.

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    1. I missed that the first time I read the letter! it was so long I kept skimming over certain parts. I honestly don’t know why she hasn’t divorced him yet. He doesn’t seem very pleasant.

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    2. Yes, this. Even in our worst/most divergent disagreements, my husband doesn’t call me ignorant and disrespect me/my views. That’s super rude to link her intellect to that of a monkey no matter what and to me abhorrently disgusting if she’s of African/Black descent at all.

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11. LW, why on earth would you marry someone who hates pot when you knew that you were a user? This makes as much sense as your wife’s stance on pot. So there you go, you’re both ridiculous. Get a divorce. I’d recommend doing it as Wendy suggested, but something – mostly your own words and tone – tells me you’re not capable of that level of graciousness. But do try. With no kids and no joint property, it should be a fairly quick process that you should make as painless as possible. And in the future, if a woman you’re dating says she hates some habit or thing that you do, move on instead of lying to her and then being a dick to her when you get caught. Gawd.

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12. Dude, it’s not the pot; it’s you. You clearly don’t respect your wife or her values. It’s one thing to disagree on a hot button issue; it’s another thing to devalue her as a person based on her views, which (while different than yours) are perfectly rational and valid. You have contempt for your wife. Experts say (sorry I don’t have a link) that contempt is the kiss of death for a marriage. So don’t waste any more of her time, man.

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    1. The expert is Dr. John Gottman and he considers contempt one of the horsemen of the apocalypse (the apocalypse of the marriage.) If the LW is interested he can read Gottman’s book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.) This guy oozes contempt with every comment and every example.

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       1. Thanks!

13. You know what I think, LW? I think you are purposely sabotaging your marriage. You didn’t smoke week for years and years, and went so far as to hide your history of pot use from your wife, and then suddenly, a few months into your marriage, you decided that smoking weed is the rock you will live and die on. The complete lack of affection apparent in this letter shows that your lack of regard for your wife isn’t a brand new sentiment. It just doesn’t make any sense.
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    So not only are you a liar who tricked someone into marrying you, you are also lying to yourself to justify wanting to leave your wife. Honestly, this letter is just so disgusting. And like Wendy and most of the posters I am extremely liberal about pot. This isn’t about pot. It’s about you being a liar and a coward and then having the gall to try and blame it all on your wife.
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    The only advice I have is that you get to the root of what is actually causing you to want to get divorced, so that when your marriage ends you can genuinely explain that it’s not about pot, but about you and your issues.

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    1. Yes!!!! That “sometimes I wish she would divorce me already” is quite telling too.

       This whole relationship just sounds fucked up. I feel bad for the wife.

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    2. Completely agree with this. He even starts out his letter with all the reasons it would be easy to leave her….nothing “shared”, no kids = no good reason to stay. He obviously wants out….this awful display was just him looking for validation.

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       1. Ye!!!! The scary part is that people usually try to make themselves look good when they write in (especially this type of letter) I dread to wonder how he treats his wife in real life.

       2. Haha….this IS him making himself look good, by calling her ignorant, stupid and a monkey! LOL!

       3. “.this awful display was just him looking for validation”
          .
          Yes. Just another way of lying. He seems to have a tremendous problem with honesty.

    3. Loved your response, TaraMonster!

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14. Holy shit you’re giving marijuana users a bad name. If you’re just a fraction as condescending to your wife as you come across here, I can imagine why she isn’t listening. Furthermore, if you knew all along her attitude towards marijuana, why would you still marry her? I wonder if this is how every disagreement is? Everyone has their deal breakers and that’s okay. But knowing someone’s deal breaker and pretending it’s not part of your life is fucked up.

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15. I was assuming that he waited until they were married because he then figured she’d have to accept him as he was but your idea sounds reasonable. Maybe he got married and then changed his mind so made himself unacceptable so that she’ll leave him. He is basically waiting for her to leave him and whining that she hasn’t done it yet.

    “Sometimes, I wish she would just divorce me already. I am becoming unhappier by the day and it’s only a matter of time before I initiate the divorce myself.”

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    1. This should have posted as a reply to TaraMonster.

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    2. Initiate the divorce, it’s better for the both of you. Why did you get married in the first place?

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    3. I don’t think he wants to pay the $465 it takes to file a dissolution of marriage in CA.

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       1. That makes sense, so he’s trying to force her to do it for him.

16. So, I smoke pot most days. My partner smokes every day. You know what I avoid like the plague? People like you. People who are soooo self-righteous and combative about why smoking pot is the right thing to do and how everyone who doesn’t enjoy it or doesn’t like it or doesn’t approve of it is ignorant (and you compared your wife to a monkey!). Dude, you sound like such an asshole. I probably wouldn’t get along with your wife, her views on pot use sound pretty extreme, but she hasn’t done anything wrong here. She told you waaay back before you were married what her views on pot were. You shrugged it off and then as soon as you were married, you started smoking again. She’s been totally up front, you’ve been shady.
    So yes, get a divorce. Your wife deserves so much better.

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17. I agree the LW sounds like a jerk, but his wife doesn’t sound that reasonable either. Go get a divorce, and start respecting the person you’re with. Neither of you is going to magically accept the other. It is your fault you got into this mess and lied to her. But also, don’t marry someone who thinks marijuana users are serial rapists/killers. Especially if you smoke it yourself.

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18. I think both parties are in the wrong here, but the LW made the first and biggest error in judgement by marrying his wife in the first place without disclosing his pot history when he KNEW it was a huge issue for her. We all know that marrying someone in the hope they will change and in spite of red flags is never a good idea. That being said, I do think it’s sad that even though the LW has agreed to make some compromises with his smoking habits, the wife just refuses to even listen to any opinion beside her own and refuses to educate herself. I realize we’re only getting the LW’s perspective here, but if he’s relaying things accurately, his wife DOES sound pretty irrational/delusional on the subject. Anyway, the point is I don’t think there’s anything salvageable here. Yes, LW, I do think you should initiate divorce proceedings, but try to take the high road on this one. Apologize to your wife for misleading her about your history and marrying her with the hope that she would change her mind, because you loved her so much you wanted to make it work. Don’t frame it as you are choosing pot over her, but rather say that your disagreement on this issue has brought to light the fact that the two of you have fundamental differences in your core values and views of life, and it’s made you realize that despite your love for each other, it just makes more sense to free each other to find partners who share your world views and accept each of you as you are, instead of how they wish you would be. Good luck.

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    1. I agree with you. Sounds like the husband married without full disclosure, and sounds like the wife will not budge on educating herself of another’s viewpoint/stance that she considers to be wrong. This does not bode well for future issues they also disagree upon.

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19. I keep trying to write constructive, helpful advice. But I can’t do it. If this letter is you trying to paint yourself in the best light…yowch. In response to your question, yes. Do both of you a favor and initiate the divorce.
    .
    Also, you say you love your wife. I’m pretty sure comparing someone intellectually to a monkey does NOT equal love. Just sayin’.

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    1. I love my wife. We had a huge fight last night and all of the negative things I said about her was me letting my emotions get the best of me.

       Thanks for your response.

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20. I guess I fail to see the difference between getting high every night and getting drunk every night – you are still ingesting a substance to help deal with reality- when someone is high they act different from being “sober” – and it’s likely your wife finds that personality change unattractive. I think there’s something wrong if you need to smoke twice a day every day – clearly real life is too much to deal with – it’s different than even taking an anti anxiety because your personality changes when you’re high. I get doing it recreationally but you are a regular user. I would be turned off if my husband did that. Anyways your reaction to her and her reaction to you seem incompatible for a happy marriage – you want different lifestyles. But she’s not a monkey for disagreeing with needig to get high every night. I don’t know something about it just seems kind of pathetic. Like you can’t deal.

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    1. He says she thinks potheads are murderers and rapists. That’s some… different thinking. It’s one thing to say “I don’t like how you are when you are drunk/high” to someone, but to lump ALL criminal behavior (and pot usage sometimes isn’t even that) into one broad category?
       .
       Also, I have call you out a little bit. If you’re taking a xanax every day to “deal” with the stress of life, some people smoke pot for the same reason. It doesn’t mean they’re getting completely out of their head, or the equivalent of drunk (just like some people can drink one beer or one glass of wine EVERY DAY and not be drunk).

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       1. But why marry her in the first place?

       2. I definitely think she has extreme views, but he knew about them. He hid his views from her. And then knowing that she had those crazy views on pot, married her anyway. Maybe he thought he would never smoke again. But, it seems like he missed a chance to discuss this further with her then. And maybe if he did he would have realized this really wouldn’t work. It seems like he thought he could change her mind down the road and is now realizing that will never happen. Which goes back to what we always tell people on here, when someone tells you who they are believe them. Marry them for who they are, not who you wish them to be.

       3. @jlyfsh: I had no intentions of picking up smoking after marriage.

          During the big fight pre-marriage, we both knew our beliefs after that night. She knew i was pro MJ and I knew she had an outrageous view on it. I admitted to her that I have partaked when younger, but did not disclose full history.

          At the time, I was a non smoker and I loved her so I let it go.

21. I can’t believe the judgments here on the LW. Dude, you are spot on as far as your views of this plant and you sound like someone I would like to hang out with. However, you definitely should have talked about this before getting married. When I’m vetting guys to find out if they could be my future husband, I always ask them about their views on cannabis because I know I would resent my partner if they tried to take away something that makes me so happy. That’s no way to live in a marriage. It sounds like you would be happier if you moved on and found someone more likeminded. Since there are no children in the mix, you can still make a clean break.

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    1. He compared his wife to a monkey. I don’t think it matters what your views on pot are, that is just not ok.

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       1. Exactly jlyfsh. They are both SO on the opposite ends regarding this topic that it would be difficult to compromise but calling your wife a monkey for having a different view is NOT ok.

       2. She sounds really ignorant and closed-minded. If your spouse isn’t allowed to try to expand your horizons, who is? That’s part of being in a relationship, you share your thoughts and insights and grow together instead of demanding that your spouse obey your every command to make you happy even if it makes them unhappy.

       3. You don’t have to smoke pot to expand your horizons, or even be open to it. I agree that her views are extreme, but why is she the only one who has to change her thoughts? And that is still absolutely no excuse to call someone names. A great way to get people to stop listening to you and to not want to hear your side of things is to call them names. If that’s the best you’ve got to expand their horizons why would they even want to listen to you?

       4. She’s allowed to have her own personal deal-breakers. She was up front and honest about her views; he was not.

          I don’t know about you, but if I had expressed my deal breakers prior to marriage and then found out that my husband had lied to me (even by omission) and then actively engaged in that deal-breaker after marriage, I don’t know how thrilled I’d be about “growing together” and “expanding my horizon”.

       5. Yes part of being in a relationship is sharing your thoughts. But at the same time, this isn’t him trying “expand horizons”. Not at all. Personally I would be PISSED if I had been open and honest about something with a significant other that I had a strong opinion on and as it turns out he had completely lied to me. She’s most definitely not forcing him to “obey” her, come on. If anything HE is forcing HER to obey him…

       6. Yes part of being in a relationship is sharing your thoughts. But at the same time, this isn’t him trying “expand horizons”. Not at all. Personally I would be PISSED if I had been open and honest about something with a significant other that I had a strong opinion on and as it turns out he had completely lied to me. She’s most definitely not forcing him to “obey” her. If anything HE is forcing HER to obey him…

    2. Oh the reactions are definitely warranted. Instead of listening to his gut that this would be an issue when they talked about this early in their relationship, he MARRIED her. She is entitled to her opinion, just like he is entitled to his own opinion. She has been very clear this is going to be her deal breaker. It was a MAJOR jerk move on his part to lead her to believe this wouldn’t be an issue before getting married.

       Reply

22. She sounds like a nut, but LW, you sound like an a-hole. You should be able to have differences in values with your spouse without resorting to name calling. And yes, it is your fault for letting things get this far and for hiding your usage/opinion on pot from her in the first place.

    If you were to replace “pot” with any other topic (religion, politics, the weather) in this letter, I’d still recommend you not stay together. Anyone who holds completely immobile (and IMO, wrong) opinions on an easily researchable subject sounds like someone I would not want to spend my life with. (Ok, one can’t really be right or wrong on religion and politics, but you can educate yourself and have civil discourse). It sounds like your respective opinions and attitudes are poisoning each one against the other, and that’s not healthy.

    Reply

23. LW you should file for the divorce and do it the way Wendy suggested. As you can see from the broad variety of people on this site that people don’t like the way you are treating your wife. The way you handle your divorce will determine how people see you for years, maybe decades. It will determine how they treat you and what they say about you to other people. If you can’t be nice for the sake of the fact that she is your wife then be nice because it will directly affect the quality of your life.

    Reply

24. For the record, we were both aware of our values when we had huge debate that turned into a fight very early on (3 months into the relationship). From that event, she was well aware on my views and that I ‘partaked’ in the past. At that time, I had not smoked cannabis for about a year and since I was not a smoker, we both let it go. I myself, should have just ended it right there knowing we are not compatible even if I never started smoking again.

    I find it funny how everyone makes all kinds of assumptions without knowing all the facts. The reason I have not initiated a divorce is because I am worried for her well being. I am the sole provider in our home and she makes very little money. It’s might be the reason she hasn’t left me yet either.

    Bottom line, it’s not the quitting I have a problem with; it’s the lack of debating and communication. She nags me every day to quit, but she has no good reasons other than its illegal. I am not here trying to change her; all I want is for her to do her own research. Open her mind a bit and if she still wants me to quit, I want her to articulate why? I want her to list out her reasons, why it is a problem for her, and how it is affecting us negatively if at all. If she would at least do this part, I would have a ton of respect for her and I would listen and even quit for her. How can I respect someone’s opinion if they are not willing to open up a bit? I am not asking her to change her values, I just want her to do some homework and present it to me so that we can have a conversation on the subject like adults. I honestly believe that when it comes to this topic, she shuts down. Why? I believe it may stem from a traumatic experience but she won’t open up and I may never know why.

    Reply

    1. People have to assume things when they aren’t included in the letter. It read like you didn’t share your views at all and let it go. Not that you shared them. Staying with someone for monetary reasons in a terrible idea. If she’s going to do ‘homework’ on how pot is ok, maybe you should put effort in to learn where she is coming from? It seems like you don’t value her opinion at all. She told you who she was long ago and you chose to ignore it. I really don’t see where there is a compromise. You don’t want to hear that you’re part of the problem at all.

       Reply

       1. I agree with that i am the problem.

          I am willing to quit for my wife if she educates herself and articulates good reasons. Why should I quit for someone who is unwilling to do their part? If i was to quit just because she said so, I can already foresee other problems in the future.

          For me to quit, she will have to do some work to gain my respect.

       2. Honestly with that attitude you’ll never get ‘respect’. Respect like trust is earned. The way you’re acting you’ll never get either.

       3. My wife says so, I should just kneel down?

       4. So if she does the homework you’ve assigned her then is she just kneeling down. It sounds like you are saying if she just jumps through enough hoops then you’ll quit. The reality is that you don’t want to quit, just be honest about that.

       5. Yeah why did you even write in for advice if you knew you were right?
          .
          That is not it at all. You are basically saying I’m the husband kneel down to me. And sorry but that’s not how life works either. It’s called compromise? Where BOTH of you meet in the middle. You don’t just require that your wife works her way to you.

       6. I think he assumed we’d all agree that she was making crazy demands by asking him to quit and he thought we’d all agree that the assigned research project was a perfect solution. He doesn’t get that husband and wives don’t assign each other research projects along with he doesn’t get you don’t lie your way into a marriage and you don’t get to decide whether your partner has valid reasons for any objection. He doesn’t get that you need to be honest before marriage and allow each partner to decide whether the two of them are compatible, with each able to walk away based on the full knowledge of their partner.

       7. Was just thinking the same thing. Respect is earned and she can’t respect someone who was lying to her.

       8. Why should your wife have to have a part in your quitting? I don’t get the reasoning there. You either want to quit or you don’t. You either prioritize the marriage or the smoking. You either respect the values you knew she had when you married her or you get divorced. This would be a different situation if you were smoking before marriage and she tried to change you after marriage. This would be different if you warned her before marriage that there was a good chance you would smoke after marriage.

       9. As your wife, she should already have your respect.
          If anything, YOU need to gain HER respect. Because respect is built on trust. And you have violated the trust in your marriage by lying to her (“i will quit”), misrepresenting yourself (as being a *past* pot smoker) and by lying by omission (about starting to smoke again).
          If anything, you OWE it to her to gain her respect back, not the other way around.

          She’s been upfront about her views from the start. You are the one who withheld information and who is now demanding she jump through hoops, despite her NEVER changing her stance or behaviour.

    2. If you’re worried for her well-being, agree to pay some alimony for a specific length of time.
       .
       There’s a lot I will do for my husband and assigned homework is not part of that. It’s not a way to open up communication and it sounds like your desire for a debate possibly comes off harshly to her because it feels that way to me. She doesn’t really need a reason outside of legality.
       .
       If you think it stems from a traumatic experience you don’t know about then it’s the wrong way to get her to be open and are being pretty insensitive to her trauma. And overall, just disrespectful in your tone.

       Reply

       1. after reading “She doesn’t really need a reason outside of legality.”

          I am ignoring all your posts here on out.

       2. Well, hopefully something in my previous few posts here and on the forum will resonate for you at some point. I can see even more clearly what a debate with you may feel like.

       3. How mature of you.

    3. She is communicating. She is communicating that she doesn’t like pot and she never will. You don’t like her communication just like she doesn’t like your smoking. You presented yourself as a jerk. You spoke about her with contempt and compared her to a money and can’t see why people didn’t like you. She has already articulated why she doesn’t like pot. You find her reasons unacceptable but they are her reasons. You knew that when you married her and you knew that when you were sneaking around smoking. You knew that when you promised to quit but didn’t. You knew her reasons and you married her any way and you started smoking again.

       Reply

       1. What reasons did she present? were you there? To my knowledge her only reason is that it is illegal.

       2. “She grew up having the idea that pot smokers are rapists/serial killers (she still holds this belief). ” That’s one of her reasons that you’ve shared with us. You’ve also shared with us that she doesn’t want you to be involved with anything illegal. That’s another reason. You assume her reasons are invalid so you ignore them but they are her reasons. She doesn’t have to have husband approved reasons. If you knew this was a problem you shouldn’t have continued the relationship.

       3. She thinks all pot-smokers are killers/rapists. So your telling me that i have no right to challenge her beliefs? That I should do what she says because she believes this to be true? Of course, i disagreed with her and asked her to research her claims. I proposed to her that if you research your claims I will listen (she refuses).

          The above is my biggest issue. Like I said I have no problem quitting.

          Also, yes she expressed that she does not like anything illegal. Last I checked, I was purchasing legally from a dispensary.

       4. by definition medical marijuana requires there be an actual medical condition (properly diagnosed) that can be helped by the use of marijuana. If said diagnosis is BS, then I´m pretty sure it is illegal. Unless of course you have somekind of condition (beyond the dickheaditis you are demonstrating here)

       5. @muscless, you are in the wrong here. She thought she was marrying someone who wasn’t going to smoke pot anymore. You presented yourself as such. You misrepresented yourself as a person. You then decided to start smoking pot again without even having a discussion with her about it. You tried to hide it and you lied. You knew this was a dealbreaker for her, but you married her anyway. You need to regain her trust, you changed the terms of the relationship and you lied and you need to decide between pot and your wife.

    4. It’s interesting that you are claiming in this post that she knew that you had “partaked” in the past. In your original letter you said, “I will admit that it’s my fault for not telling her my history with marijuana when we got married.” It seems that you are changing your story.

       Reply

       1. She knew I partaked in the past, I just wasnt completely open on my full history. At the time, I di not think it was a big deal since I was a non smoke and I had no plans to start up again.

          So yes, it was all my fault in the beginning. Alll my fault for starting again. Like I said, I am willing to quit for my wife.

       2. Yet today you were saying you would divorce your wife over her not wanting you to smoke. You really are all over the place.
          I don´t get why you even wrote in.

       3. If you’re willing to quit, than quit. It was not fair to her for you to decide to smart smoking pot again when she was under the impression that you were done with it. Apologize and move on if you want to try and save your marriage. Remember that you lied and tried to cover it up and that you need to regain her trust.

       4. The bottom line is that if you are willing to quit for your wife you would quit for your wife. There would be no preconditions, like writing reports. You would quit. Doing it for your wife should be a valid enough reason but for some reason you think that would emasculate you. I think that’s what you need to explore.

       5. *partook*

          That is all

    5. I am not here trying to change her; all I want is for her to do her own research.
       But isn’t this trying to get her to change? It’s like you know she won’t do the research (and why should she) so you can just keep arguing with her that she doesn’t know shit and you can’t respect her opinion because well…she doesn’t know shit.
       .
       Seriously, dude just do her (and all of us ) a favor and divorce this poor woman so she can find someone who’s less of an asshole. Also, I have a really hard time believing that you aren’t divorcing her because you worry about her financial well-being. That shit came across as, ‘she’s a stupid woman. How can she possibly support herself without my help.’ Um, she’s an adult she can figure out how to take care of herself.
       .
       Honestly, you can keep fooling yourself into believing that this is just about you smoking some pot.

       Reply

       1. You obviously don’t know her situation yet you judge us. I am not willing to air out her closet just so I can get validation from you.

          All you need to know is that i am the sole provider and I pay all the bills.

       2. In the beginning of your letter you said that you have nothing shared. That made it sound like you were both financially independent of each other. Now you say you are the sole provider and pay all the bills. Now you are saying you share your income. Which is it. Why do you keep saying one thing and then another.

       3. We don’t own property or have any joint accounts.

       4. At first you said that she earns very little money now you’re the sole provider. Please decide which one it is.
          .
          Even if you are the sole provider then you can give her alimony until she gets on her feet financially so you don’t have to support her. I can’t imagine she wouldn’t figure out how to support herself even if it means moving back in with her parents or a friend.
          .
          Also, you’ve only been married for one year (together for 3) and I assume she’s older than 12 so I have to wonder what did she do before she met you. How was she supporting herself ? Unless you purchased her from a mail order company or smuggled her into the country, I can’t imagine why she can’t support herself. Even if she’s disabled she could apply for disability benefits to support herself until she found a job.
          .
          Also, if you don’t have any joint accounts then how do you know her financial situation? I’m just trying to figure out why this poor woman can not manage to live on her own and support herself.

    6. What good does a “conversation” or “debate” do if you already know this is a hard line for her? A debate won’t change her values. You keep saying you don’t want to change her, but you DO. That’s what you are getting at with ‘having a conversation’. Stop lying to yourself. Where are you doing your part to meet her half way? How about you stop smoking until this is resolved?

       Honestly, I would say take this one to a marriage counsellor. From what I can sense on here, conversing or debating about you on this subject is going to be very difficult. A marriage counsellor may be a good go between, someone who can remain neutral and draw out the underlying issues here. But only go this route if you really want to work it out. If you actually want to compromise. Just know that going this route may draw out why she is so against it (especially if it is related to past trauma), but it will also end up addressing why you are using so much and why it seems to be your main coping mechanism and why are you are using it despite knowing it is directly pushing your wife away.

       Reply

       1. @snoopy128 : I have suggested we see a marriage counselor and she has always refused. Now it makes sense.

          Thanks for your insight.

    7. Jeez Matt, if you wanted to air our business, you could have warned me first!!

       Haha, I am just kidding, but you sound just like my california born spouse, who partakes daily. Down to the “research” and attitude. Except I earn twice what my spouse does, and we have kids.

       I used to be just like your wife. I fought him on it, got angry, etc. and he quit one day. It was then I realized I liked him a whole lot better when he partakes. Maybe you should quit. and when she realizes you are a miserable ass without it, she will quit complaining?

       Reply

       1. @Monkeys mommy:

          thats funny because she already tells me that I am relaxed and easy to talk to when I am high.

          For the record, when i smoke I am not completely high out of mind and non-functional. Rather, It has a relaxing effect on me.

       2. That is also how my DH is. He is not “warped”, paranoid, or lazy just calm and relaxed. I think your wife feels the way I used to. For me, it just kind of worked itself out. I don’t know how to advise you to deal with her. I still hate spending money on it, but his relaxed state of mind is worth it!

    8. Look, the way I think about it is this. I don’t like “butt stuff.” I’m not interested in anal or toys or anything in the butt. I don’t want to do it. If my husband wants it, too bad, because I don’t want it. I don’t have to have a reason other than “I don’t want to.” I’m allowed to not have reasons. My husband is allowed to think that’s unfair, but he isn’t allowed to tell me I have to come up with reasons for not liking butt stuff. Does it make me a bad wife? I’m pretty GGG if it doesn’t involve buttplay, so I don’t believe it does. For someone else that might be a dealbreaker. If it is, that’s fine; it means we aren’t in alignment. You’re condescending, rude, and quite frankly you sound like every high school paper I have to see every semester about why pot should be legal. You don’t make a good case, and you keep contradicting your post.

       Pot may be state-legal where you live. It is not legal under federal law. Your wife has some outrageous views, but if this is how you go about telling her to be less stupid, then it’s no wonder she doesn’t want to do the research.

       Reply

    9. LW, I suggest that some of her resistance comes from the drug programs she had growing up (I’m assuming she’s in her 30s and was educated in the US, so I apologize if I’m wrong in those assumptions). I’m 34 and grew up with things like the DARE program. It taught that all drugs are equally bad and will all end in crime and death. Tobacco=alcohol=pot=cocaine=meth. It’s fear mongering and it screws people up. The problem is that it teaches kids that all drugs are equally bad, do when they try pot and don’t die, they think to try meth and the like, which can lead to much bigger problems. This doesn’t happen to everyone, but is a big backfire of the anti-drug progams.
       Your wife may also have been exposed to “Reefer Madness”. The original was a scare campaign in the 30s (I think) to demonize marijuana. It said that pot turned people into crazed rapist murderers. I do *highly* recommend the musical version (from 2005), it’s wonderful and hilarious, and based off the original.
       All this is to say, I can see where your wife may have gotten these beliefs from. They are objectively incorrect, and we have the science to prove it, but *she* didn’t make these things up, the people who taught her did. I would also recommend that the reactive pushback you have when she tells you to quit, is the same defensiveness she has when you question her sincerely held beliefs about pot. She is just as adamant about her position as you are. Which is why you two should split up. She won’t back down and will reject any contrary evidence she finds.

       Reply

25. “after reading “She doesn’t really need a reason outside of legality.”
    I am ignoring all your posts here on out.”

    ^ this is why you’re a jerk. You shut down on any other persons view that you don’t agree with, even further, you’re a total asshole about it while doing so. I a smoker myself, bout twice a week or so at best, and i can agree initially with your side, but you articulate yourself in person as you do in your replies here…you’re going to be shit out of luck. You asked her to give you a reason, she gives you three. She doesn’t need to fucking read a book to give you a better (to you) answer. AND Jesus fucking christ, if i ever heard my sisters husband make the statement, ” For me to quit, she will have to do some work to gain my respect.” you would get a swift crack in the jaw. You have 0 <———- fucking respect for your marriage or this woman. You need a shit tone more than any amount of weed can do for you.

    Reply

    1. He has set himself up as the decider of whether her reasons are valid. She will never have a valid enough reason. She could write an entire dissertation and it wouldn’t be valid enough. He doesn’t want to quit so no reason will be valid.

       Reply

    2. Hey STFU!

       Reply

       1. @unwantedtruth. not skyblossom

       2. 😀 The automatic mature NON-asshole reply I expected. If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck…..

          Good Day Master

       3. What an incredibly articulate and polite response. Unwanted_Truth is absolutely right. Your responses show that you stop listening as soon as someone doesn’t agree with you. You come off sounding like a real jerk, and all of your responses have been defensive. You have said yourself that you don’t respect your wife. So there’s your answer. You clearly have a lot of contempt for her. If you love her at all, divorce her so that she can find someone she is more compatible with, who respects her. Help to take care of her for awhile if you are the sole provider, until she can get back on her own feet.

       4. unwantedtruth input will receive no articulate response from me. Not wasting my time.

          @stonegypsy. Maybe that is the only option at this point.

          Even if I quit her for just because, I cant imagine living with someone that hold such strong beliefs yet makes no effort to back it up.

          How can someone make an outrageous claim, yet has no facts to provide to support it?

       5. If you can’t imagine living with someone with those beliefs why did you marry her knowing she held them?

       6. Seriously! Clearly at some point he was able to imagine it, because he moved in with her and married her. Her beliefs haven’t changed at all, and neither have her reasons for having them.

       7. It would be like me marrying someone who had told me that they thought non-monogamous people are terrible and that they wouldn’t stand for a non-monogamous relationship, and then me cheating on them as soon as we were married and angrily demanding a research paper on why monogamy is better before I agreed to stop.

       8. The issue is, she was like this before you married her. Nothing change here but you. Own that.

          And quite frankly, she may not be able to articulate her feelings on the subject because now they are deeply tangled with her feelings about you. I’ve been told I’m an excellent debater and an articulate person. But there have been times in my life where I have been unable to articulate what I want to say or even really understand my own position because it is deeply tied to something very emotional (like someone very important to me).
          I will also refrain from expressing my opinion in a space that I do not feel is safe. If she is feeling attacked by you in this situation (and at least on here, you are coming across as very pushy in your ‘debate’), then she may not open up. If she does not think anything productive will come of this (i.e. you won’t change or act with respect), then there is no reason to open up and leave herself more vulnerable.

       9. For someone that expects articulate responses, you haven’t very well articulated why you shouldn’t have to apologize to your wife, regain her trust, and stop smoking pot.

       10. From his responses I’m going to guess he doesn’t enjoy explaining himself to peole (especially women) who challenge him or who he doesn’t agree with.

       11. Maybe he can’t well articulate right now because he’s high at the moment? 😀

       12. Since you’re so hell-bent on your wife doing research to present valid arguments…did you do research to present valid arguments to her?

       13. Ok, I’m sorry. I’m outing myself as the thump-upper because this literally made me choke on my water! When all else fails, STFU! Needless to say, I wish I could thumb-up unwantedtruth x100.

26. I appreciate everyones input. I understand everyone is making assumptions about our financial situation and asking a lot of questions about this. All i can say is that i am not willing to air our her closet on the internet. Her financial/legal situation is complicated anddi have no right to disclose it.

    I will take everyones advice and move on. I will have a conversation with her tonight. I will help her until she can move on. If that means i go a rent a room and let her have the apartment for a few months, than so be it.

    Thanks.

    Reply

27. Fine, i’ll go a different route that may make more sense to you LW. Yes i think we can ALL agree that her statement of how pot smokers are killers rapists etc…is outrageous. Fine , cool. Here is the thing. Some people are for pot, some aren’t, some see pot smoking as a deal breaker, and she is one of them. The only REASON that matters here, the only one is the fact she DOESN’T LIKE IT, and guess what????? She DOESN’T have to.

    Look at it this way, you keep asking her to validate every reason to you why she is NOT for her husband to be smoking pot on a daily basis, right? That’s like me going to a burger joint, ordering a burger and asking them NOT to put onions on it, only to have them refuse to do so until I explain to them why I don’t want them, like them, etc… see where we are going here? It’s totally reasonable of her to not expect you to smoke pot when ,before the marriage, you weren’t smoking..and didn’t explain to her that most likely, HEY, I’m going to change my mind whenever, down the line about the things that are important to you I not do.

    Reply

    1. Thanks.

       Its clear this is not going to work. We already have similar issues on other topics where her beliefs are non-negotiable. I can already foresee that even if i quit for her, we will still have issues because the underlying problem is unresolved. I was hoping we could resolve that portion.

       I apologize for coming off as an asshole. I have been dealing with this for over a year and last night we had a huge fight to which i was still heated when making my post.

       Reply

       1. I think that’s the best thing you can do for both of you. You have completely incompatible beliefs and no amount of arguing will change that. You will both have the opportunity to find much more compatible partners. I doubt she would want you to stay married to her out of pity for her financial situation. She got by before she married you and she’ll get by after you are gone. For the sake of both of you try to stay amicable. That doesn’t mean you have to remain friends or keep in touch or anything of that sort. It means be polite through the divorce process.

       2. Then it’s obviously clear that you two are not a good match. It sucks to have your marriage end after a little more than a year but it won’t get any better if you stay together. In fact, it’s probably going to get worse. If you add children to the mix then not only are you ruining your lives but bringing innocents into the fray.
          .
          I wouldn’t necessarily say that the marriage ended because you want to frequently smoke pot but that you two are fundamentally mismatched in your core beliefs. The weed smoking was just the manifestation of the mismatch.
          .
          Wish her well and move on from this relationship. Next time, please end the relationship if you’re not on the same page.

       3. Yeah who wants to write that many reports anyways and present them to a class full of people who don’t care. Just think of the amount of money you will be saving on paper, oh and the time you will save from her no having to do her presentations!

       4. I strongly disagree with your wife’s viewpoints on marijuana, etc. I think they’re both extreme and irrational. But YOU are the one who decided to marry her A.) knowing both your desire to continue smoking recreationally and B.) how strongly she feels against it. That’s the issue here. You married her knowing exactly how she felt, and admitted that you lied by omission about your past/simply decided to pick up smoking again. You are the one who misled her, not the other way around. That’s why people are frustrated with your responses is because it seemed like you took no responsibility in this issue. But it’s good to see that you finally understand that this probably isn’t going to work.

       5. I am not denying that i am at fault here.

          At the time, i had no intentions to pick it up again after marriage. she was aware that i partaked in the past, i just did not fully disclose the full history. Again my fault on that.
          Also 3 months into the relationship, she was well aware of my beliefs from our fight early on. This was a red flag for both of us yet we both ignored it since i was a non smoker at the time and had no intentions of starting again.
          To say i intentionally misled her, is false. However, I will take the blame that i married her knowing we were incompatible.

28. ^Agreed. At least on my end, apology accepted, You are making the right, although not fun, choice that’s best for both. I wont pry but other issues you don’t see eye to eye on are things having to do with politics maybe? Just taking a guess to cure my own curiosity.

    Reply

    1. Your right, we share no beliefs in politics. I am not a political person but it does come up a lot in our daily activities. The topic usually comes when i comment how wrong or right a particular situation/policy/rule/law is and she argues with me to no end about it. This frequently happens all the time.

       Another thing we dont agree on is religion. We are both Catholics but i am not firmly religious as her.

       Reply

       1. Beyond the condescension, I think you’ve identified a set of very important incompatibilities. If all your conversations end with you both basically asserting “I’m right you’re wrong,” which is kind of what it sounds like happens, it’s not going to get better anytime soon.
          .
          Being compatible on paper only takes you so far. If you can’t even have a productive conversation on things you disagree on, that does not sound like a good relationship. Next time you’re thinking of getting married, make sure you actually can get along on a regular basis and respect them without putting the responsibility for that on them.

29. Muscless, I’m curious. What made you want to get married to your wife?

    Reply

    1. It sounds like to me that they probably looked good together on ‘paper’ but in real life they weren’t matched in their core beliefs and ideologies. Or they both thought that love and time would conquer all of their ‘little’ incompatibilities.

       Reply

       1. I just thought it was strange he would start up again two months after the ceremony. To me, It sounds like he wanted out right away. I wonder what his motivation was to go through with a legal ceremony? Sure he loves her. Did he want to save her from something? Debt? Citizenship issues? I also wonder if there is an age/education difference at play here?

          I’m also curious what the various reasons were that led him to giving up marijuana off and on for nine years. And why he thought he was done for good at the time of the big fight (pre-marriage). He seems so into it now. Why did he give it up before and what’s changed?

          It just sounds like perhaps there’s a much more interesting story here, than what’s being presented.

       2. The reasons pertaining why I married her is complicated. I love my wife but there are also other factors to why we married so soon. There was some pressure to get it done so to speak. Had it not be for other external factors, I would have waited much longer.

          If i am to provide this information, I would also need to disclose her financial/legal situation to which i believe would be unfair to her.

       3. So you were trying to save her from something? I’m looking for specific motivations not the specific legalities of the situation.

          Were you unhappy right away? Did you wish you weren’t married right away?

       4. Ahh that makes sense.
          If she was raised in a third world country then she’s probably right that the only people who smoke weed are criminals. If this said third world country is war-torn, then I can see how she made that assumption that weed is the purview of murders/rapists (drugs tend to be rampant among soldiers who are often killing and raping the ‘enemy’). I think most people in America don’t understand that experience so it came off as she was irrational and closed minded.
          .
          I think both of you have valid points about marijuana usage but just from different perspectives. No one is wrong or right, just viewing it through their personal experience lens. So you have to decide if you want to stay married. It’s not about the weed but about staying married & being in a healthy relationship. If you do, go to counseling so you both can learn how to fight fair, how to communicate, and how to overcome cultural barriers between you.
          .
          If you really don’t want to stay married then go get that good ole annulment and call it a lesson learned.

       5. @cleopatra

          Thank you so much for your input.

          “”If she was raised in a third world country then she’s probably right that the only people who smoke weed are criminals.””

          The above statement opened up a perspective on her view that had not crossed my mind. Thank you.

       6. @dps- I’m still thinking about your story (the parts you’ve shared). I’m wondering where you’re at after a nights rest. Its not easy to come out on DW and really consider new things. Its so much easier to just slink away and dismiss everyone. Cleo’s comment was very insightful. Its great you got something out of it.

          I’m glad you have considered how much a different culture can impact communication styles and world views. If your wife was an illegal I’m sure she has had to live with a lot of anxiety about drawing too much attention to herself. She probably hasn’t had an opportunity to immerse herself in US culture (pot and otherwise). You call it ignorance but my guess is it isn’t about the pot for her anymore than it is for you. Most people’s motives go back to wanting to feel safe. Your wife (presumably) has been in a very precarious situation. The insecurity of a spouse is rapidly changing and not being very forthright is probably charging up her instincts to take control of the situation. In many cultures a wife acts very matronly and runs the household (while traditionally the husband is in the role of the provider).

          You seem to have real issues with control. I don’t know if this is a post-catholic thing or controlling parents or what. But something about this marriage doesn’t feel safe to your individuality and so you seem to be rebelling like a teenager.

          I think by now you know this isn’t about the pot. I think its been hammered hard that way you have approached this situation comes across as unfair. But you wanting to have control (in the form of MJ) is not bad. It is worth further exploration in my opinion. I hope you come back and update us.

          I’m not a huge divorce proponent, especially when there is so much left to try and so much missing from the story. But I believe people make mistakes and you seem fairly confident you shouldn’t be married to this woman. Good luck with everything.

30. I am in full agreement with what Wendy said (WWS). You’ve decided you’re going to do what you want to do, her feelings/views/morals/whatever be damned and she’s just going to have to put up with it or leave. And from your wife’s perspective, you’ve given it up before, for four years one stretch, so you CAN choose to give it up (i.e. you’re not an ‘addict’) but you choose not to even though you know how deeply it disturbs her; so you are in her mind choosing the pot over her. So, now she’s stuck in a situation she hates and she never had a choice in the matter because you didn’t give her the benefit of that by disclosing to her your pot history. She’s entitled to her views (even though, I, like Wendy, disagree with them) and it wasn’t fair not to let her know she’d be sharing her life with someone who so fundamentally was mismatched with her and now blaming her for “nagging.”
    Your offering compromises after the fact doesn’t negate the reality that it sounds like this is has always been a deal-breaker for her. I mean, you said that shortly after marriage she gave you an ultimatum about it: “She basically gave me an ultimatum that, if I continue smoking, the relationship will end.” And in response, you lied. You said you would quit, letting her get deeper into the marriage and ‘unhappily ever after’, but didn’t. Regardless of how wrong-headed her anti-marijuana reasons, you’ve been unfair (and arguably, manipulative) to her this entire process.
    But as you say, “We are here now and there is nothing I can do to change that.” So, what to do? Well, you also say, “I am becoming unhappier by the day, and it’s only a matter of time before I initiate the divorce myself.” So, why wait until you both come to resent each other even more? Why wait until it reaches the breaking point where the divorce will be much more horrible? So, man up and do what you should have done at the beginning of your marriage when your wife gave you an ultimatum and be honest with her. Apologize that you weren’t honest and respectful of her before and tell her you’ve decided that you, under no circumstances, will give up pot smoking but she’ll have to live with it for the rest of your married lives and if that’s a deal-breaking, you two should get divorced. And as Wendy said, “know that YOU shoulder all the blame here … be more decent in your breakup than you’ve been thus far. Let your wife know she’s done nothing wrong, that the blame is yours entirely…Tell her that you realize now that you did both of you a disservice, you are deeply sorry, she deserves better…”

    Reply

    1. But she needs to choose to stop being disturbed or they should have separated. This was years ago. Nothing I say changes at think, but I think it’s a dumb reason to get a divorce. What it means is that this guy’s wife wants to be in control of his mental state. That’s why it’s been illegal in the US (for control) and that’s why people don’t like it in relationships. The macro is reflected in the micro: only tyrants demand prohibition.

       She will probably never agree with his theory of freedom. Meanwhile, California (for all its failed other policies) is one of the largest economies in the world because of the enormous creativity and experimentation there.

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31. Well, glad that’s sorted out. But did anyone else feel that he’ll also require a Ph.D., a full thesis, with proper references, a field and clinical study, and a published book before he’d bother to actually care about his wife’s opinion? May that woman find happiness without such an insufferable (and probably boring) person. And frankly speaking, technically just because you can use weed in CA (with a doctor’s note *eye roll*), it’s still illegal within the Federal Law scope (and the Feds don’t play nice when you get jailed).

    Also, depending on her job, YOUR use of an illegal substance can cost her her job if she works for the State or Federal government (any department). So yes, because it’s illegal is perfectly logical reason for her wanting you to quit.

    Reply

32. All the blame is on me. I am not denying it.
    Quitting is also not a problem for me.
    The reason I want her to research her outrageous claims is because it will be an indicator for me if the marriage is worth saving. Sure, I can quit right now for the sake of the marriage. That will make her happy but is that going to solve the underlying issue?

    My issue is that on a frequent basis, we will disagree on a topic. Thats alright.
    We will than debate said topic.
    I will ask her, why do you feel so strongly about it? Where are you sourcing your information? etc..
    More times than not I will find out her claims have no foundation and it simply comes down to prejudice based on her personal experience. I will than reason with her and ask her to research what she is saying to which it never happens. The conversation ends with im right your wrong tone. However, I let it go and let her think shes right and thats the end of it. My wife was raised in a third world country so I’m not surprised we disagree on a lot.

    That is more or less what is happening with the MMJ topic.. What bothers me the most is that I cant reason with her because of her prejudice on many topics. This is the one topic that I will not let go because I strongly disagree with her claims. I’m not looking to make her pro mmj; what i want to see is that she made the effort to just educate herself and look into it. She can still disagree after, but that would be sufficient for me and I would quit at that moment. This tells me that she is not as closed minded as I think she is and that it would be worthwhile to save the marriage. I fear that I will be a “yes baby, your right” husband the rest of my life. Is this too much to ask?

    Reply

    1. Based on your brief information, I am thinking that your wife is not a citizen (and perhaps not yet a permanent resident). I am not sure whether she was ‘undocumented’ or whether she was here on a student visa. I can understand your hesitancy with divorcing her, and why both of you have not taken that step yet. I have a couple pieces of advice:
       – If you still love her, and have any hope of saving the marriage, you both need to get to a marriage counselor ASAP. These issues that you are dealing with, while a result of core incompatibilities, are also the result of both of you being stubborn, inflexible, unwilling to see the other person’s point of view, and to respect a difference of opinion (not to mention each other). You both have strong viewpoints, and want the other person to bend to that viewpoint instead of accepting and communicating respectfully through the differences. The communication (or, lack thereof) can be worked on through counselling. It’s worth a try. Book a session. Right now.
       – If you do want a divorce, but are concerned about her (and, if I am right about her background), then wait until she has received her permanent residency. While she will still have conditions on it until after 2 years, if the marriage was entered into on good faith, then there should not be an issue. If you feel there still would be an issue, and want to prolong getting divorced, then think of some solutions for the time being. Perhaps there is a friend or family member one of you could stay with while still ‘living together’ on paper.

       Reply

       1. http://www.alllaw.com/articles/nolo/us-immigration/can-permanent-resident-lose-green-card-after-divorce.html

       2. Which can totally make sense why she’s so “irrational” about his weed use, because it can (and likely will) sabotage her ability to stay in the US. It’s not just her under review, it’s him as well. And he’s literally undermining and sabotaging her future. If he doesn’t understand that her ability to be in the states is so reliant on his behavior as well (you know, immigration being a FEDERAL issue, which also makes weed illegal), she has every right to be pissed off and “irrational.”

    2. “My wife was raised in a third world country so I’m not surprised we disagree on a lot.” Woah, talk about small minded.
       .
       Also, you’ve obviously never been able to change someone’s mind on anything like this before because you don’t do it by demanding reasoned, well-researched arguments. And I’m a PhD, so I know from well-researched arguments. You telling her to educate herself is extremely condescending. Not everyone agrees with empirical facts I’ve seen proven in peer reviewed paper after peer reviewed paper, but I know that telling them to prove their side to me is the quickest way to lose friends. There are some situations where research is the way to come at a disagreement (unemotional ones maybe), but she doesn’t need to prove her side with anything more than she sees it as legally and morally wrong (something she’s not hidden from you) and does not want it in her life. Not everything can be solved with logic.
       .
       You can agree to disagree and the morality of pot, but you can’t agree to disagree on actual pot use. If you want to stay with your wife, you’ve got to choose. Also, using her willingness to do research on the topic as a litmus test for whether to stay together is a very arbitrary and paternalistic way of determining the future of your relationship. If you continue to treat her like a child, I honestly can’t see why she would want to stay with you.

       Reply

       1. Thanks for the insight.

          What do you suggest I do whenever we have a disagreement? So we know logic does not work. Whats next?

       2. Decide whether you want to smoke pot or be with your wife, and own your choice. You seem to be concerned only with winning arguments. It’s not about winning, it’s about being in a relationship. If winning and is more important than the person in front of you, do that person a favor and move on. Sometimes you agree to do something (or not do something) for the other person because you love them. Neither of you is changing your opinion, but you can change your actions.
          .
          But if we can feel the contempt and condescension you have for your wife from here (not just in your original letter), I can only imagine how it makes her feel. You likened her to a monkey, really? Think about that and be kinder.

33. And the broken record award goes to the LW. All I hear is “wah wah wah…she’s so close minded…wah wah wah…she doesn’t want to research…wah wah wah…I’m a selfish man-child who can’t realize that people have other reasons other than research…wah”

    Maybe you should smoke less, then you’d see beyond your own close mind. You invalidate your wife’s opinions and beliefs. Honestly, she keeps sounding better and better. Also, being raised in a third world county gives people some hell of life experience, something I doubt you’ve had. I mean, god forbid she disagrees with her, only because she isn’t learned in the same way you are (presumably).

    But hey, keep on being a broken record. You’re acting like a 30 year old man child who can’t accept that you are fundamentally wrong, not just wrong in the basic concept of not disclosing your past, but your logic in itself is flawed. You can’t accept anything other than a learned discussion, while there is so much more to good flow of words. You’ve consistently shut down any disagreement in the comment, going so far as to tell someone to STFU.

    Ugh, so done with wasting my time on a brainless child like you. Peace out, go light up, and hopefully some day you’ll become a nicer, better, responsive, and empathetic person. But that likely won’t happen.

    Reply

    1. When I get a response such “you would get a swift crack in the jaw.” and saying fucking this and fucking that. I am not going to take my time to respond rationally.

       I have already owned up and realized this is all my fault from the start.

       Thanks for your input.

       Reply

34. After reading everyone’s responses, I have decided that I am ending this relationship right now. It is no longer up for debate.

    Thank You

    Reply

    1. How sad. That you could unilaterally decide to end your marriage after a conversation with a whole set of strangers and not the one person you should be talking to. Your life I guess. But it sounded like to me you two did not know how to speak to each other, more specifically, how to disagree. And you both got resentful and you both dug in your heels dismissing each other’s position. Maybe I’m old school but marriage should mean a hell of a lot more than something you throw away when you don’t get your way. We recommend counselling a lot on here but I hope you actually take the time and effort to go… If you were sincere about loving your wife that is.

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       1. @Firestar:

          I have suggested marriage counseling many times and she refuses.
          snoopy128 mentioned that counseling will most likely draw out why she is so against MJ.
          I actually believe this is why she is refusing. Thanks again snoopy for bringing that up.

       2. Again, this is probably a cultural difference.
          If she was raised outside of the U.S. & she’s devoutly Catholic, marriage counseling would be a totally foreign concept (no pun intended). She might be willing to seek counseling through the Church but I’m pretty sure that a licensed marriage counselor is going to get a big fat no.
          .
          Just saying.

35. You sound extremely condescending. I don’t understand why you are holding so tightly onto this notion that she needs to research every argument and opinion in order to have her own opinion. She can have her mind made up without you lecturing her to cite her sources. If you did really love and respect your wife, you could let this go. I don’t personally agree with her opinions, but I think you are being really cruel and close minded with her. It doesn’t matter why she thinks that way, she does. And if you loved and respected her, why won’t you just drop it? As everyone has said, YOU misrepresented yourself to her before you were married. YOU began smoking everyday knowing full well how she felt about it.

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36. Ok, first of all, what everyone else said about your marriage and the appalling lack of compatibility and respect.

    But also — and let me preface this by saying I’ve smoked weed several times and also take pills that I don’t have a prescription for, lest you think I’m judgy, but I did personally do a little research last night and smoking weed on a daily basis is bad for your lungs. The combustion of the weed releases chemicals and carcinogens. It also causes less serious issues like chronic bronchitis. It also made my ex husband (way after we divorced) lose his sanity and become so obsessed with 9/11 conspiracy theories, he thought he was going to die. He may be dead, I haven’t heard a peep from him in months. If your anxiety is so bad that you’re self medicating with drugs multiple times a day, I think you need to see a psychologist for help.

    Reply

    1. You did not cite your sources in APA format.

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37. Haha, I forget how to do that, it’s been so long. But it was the American Lung Association and Web M.D.

    PS- my ex-husband isn’t dead. I texted him “are you alive” and got a response that said “No, I died 2 weeks ago.” But then he said he was getting a job at Comcast so I think he’s among the living for now.

    Reply

38. I came of age the 70s, & pot is stronger now. I hate it; I’ve seen friends & family & students addicted & depressed–yes it is addictive; yes, my friends & family members who decided to improve their lives (no more prison; no more depression; lack of motivation; no more endlessly boring repetitive conversations about how great & harmless pot is as they buy it & support cartels etc) gave up pot. I’ve seen too many people addicted/deadened & lives denied. It’s not harmless. Check out headlines: CO & CA; talk to someone who has been admitted to the ER following use. Pot isn’t harness. Neither is alcohol. Both are addicting, & addicts lie (when necessary to continue using) about their usage & lose relationships over it. LW’s wife hates it & made it plain that she hated it. Wouldn’t be surprised if her reasons are more anecdotal & personal as mine are & that LW is making up her stance to protect his habit. I am not willing to lose relationships with friends or family over their usage; however, I have not been lied to & then gaslighted & vilified in the way LW’s wife has been. LW & his wife aren’t compatible right now, & even if they might or could be doesn’t matter: he has different values about lying, & he’s choosing pot. I wish the best for both of them. Yeah I love my pot smoking friends & family, but I won’t listen to their glazed eyes’ health talks.

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39. If pot makes you good and youre a responsible user, the only thing she wants is a stressed out guy that is a prick like her. You should find someone more open to life. I started to smoke at 40 and let me tell you pot saved my life. It cured me from insomnia, anxiety, and made me a better proffesional. I used on weekends. Great with beer and for sex is awesome. Women love a relaxed and passionate guy. FIND A MORE OPEN WOMAN and let her make her life.

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    1. Technology and legislation basically solved this problem for me. I would rather take pure THC than smoke it in any case. Simply, fly to Denver Co. and buy little pills of cannabis extract (Stratos Brand) or little packets of Pure THC (Ripple Brand). You can get as high as you want, without any smell or smoke. The trickiest part, is emulating being stoned when you are not. Originally, I agreed to tell my wife when I was using cannabis. She does not use it. However, that did not work out, since she tends to freakout when I tell her. Thus, I simply do not tell her. I am not sure how much she knows, If you can act stoned when you are not, there is a good chance this will solve the problem.

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40. People, please ease up on LW. He is only human after all, and like the rest of us, he is far from perfect. I share a similar story including excessive alcohol abuse and smoking pot. My wife knew all this when she entered into the relationship and eventual marriage. We dated for 2 years and have now been married for 16 years in May. We love each other and respect each other, but I am still struggling with alcoholism and still smoke weed any chance I get. She still hates it. I respect her opinion. I do not try to force her to live my lifestyle, but she is often vocal and even punishes me when I drink or smoke. I am a highly educated individual who makes over 6 figures annually. I have been the sole provider for our family for over 13 years. I also help with chores around the house and do most of the grocery shopping. She does a lot too. I often tell her that she works harder than I do, because she is home schooling our son, does the majority of the household chores, and is going to school for her Bachelors in Business Administration. I currently am employed as a Senior Database Administrator. My days are extremely stressful and I simply cannot shit my mind off and get a good nights sleep without alcohol or pot. The drinking needs to go. I am a bing drinker and if I continue the way I am it will kill me. Period. When I have access to pot I don’t even think about drinking, and the pot actually helps me feel better and be more productive. By the way, I also have lymphoma. It is a rare form of non-cancerous lymphoma called Castleman’s disease. I was diagnosed with it when I was 14 years old. Never drank or touched pot until age 20. My wife and I met when I was 26 and we are now 44 and 43 respectively. Wow…time sure does fly. I never smoke in the house. I smoke in the garage after our son has gone to bed. Also, I usually vape my marijuana or eat edibles. I keep all of it in the garage in a safe that only I have the key too. Why? I don’t want my son to stumble across it, see gummies and think that it is candy, eat it, and get high or worse. I am very careful about it. Basically LW, you need to make a very difficult choice my friend. Either keep on keeping on and lose her, or conform and work on your relationship. In the end the choice is something that the two of you need to work out. None of us have the right to judge you. You came to this forum for advice and I feel that all you received was persecution. I for one am sorry that you have been treated so poorly by those in this forum. They don’t know you. I don’t know you. None of us have the right to judge you, that is for God to do, not people. In your heart you know, or will eventually know what you need to do. What is best for you and for your wife. Follow your hearts. Have an open, honest, and loving conversation with her, but tell her everything. If you are not going to stop, tell her that. Stand your ground, but also be sure you are willing to accept the consequences. If she decides to leave you, then let her go. Don’t be one of those guys who regret their decision and then pine over, or even worse, try to get her back without being willing to change. And for all you haters in this forum. What? None of you have ever done anything wrong? Wow, if that is true please let me know what fairytale world you live in, because I would love to relocate to the magical world of Oz that you live in. Remember, let he/she who is without sin cast the first stone. LW was simply asking for advice, yet he really didn’t get any. I thought that was the point of this site, but apparently the purpose of this site is to ostracize those who do not believe as you do. That and call them names. Common, how old are you. Grow up and learn to love and respect those around you. Especially when they reach out to you for help. Please forgive me for coming of as judgemental myself…I know that I was being judgemental as well. Forgive me. I forgive you. I just felt the need to point out that nobody really help this man, and that is all he was asking for…help and advice. How about couples counseling LW? Perhaps the unbiased opinion of an outsider, someone who is a professional, would be benificial. When it all comes down to it, you know what you need to do…sometimes we just lack the strength to do it…for whatever reason, the reasons tend to differ from person to person. I do know this though. Name calling is not the answer and is not helpful at all. Referring to all those who chose to call you a di** head, or some other hurtful name, are not helping. Again, follow your heart. God bless and love each and every one of you.

    Reply

41. I’m facing the same difficult situation as you do. I’m 30, married with 1 kid and 1 more coming. she is 9 months pregnant. Curious to know what path did you chose and how you are doing. mind sharing?

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    1. It really seems like so many people are experiencing something I have felt so alone about for a long while. I am not a marijuana smoker, but my husband is. I have smoked in the past, but just honestly do not enjoy how it makes me feel. It tends to make me very anxious and at times just feel terrible. My husband on the other hand seems to really enjoy it. Our biggest issues surrounding marijuana is not so much the substance, rather it is how he treats it. There have been times he has spent money on it that we did not have. There have been times He has said he wanted a new job, and the dice wanted to quit in order to pass a drug test, only for me to discover later that he changed his mind. I other times he has left work to go do it. There have also been times where he has it in the vehicle with him when he has our son. Of course I have
       found this out after the fact, and I’ve been very angry with him. I have attempted multiple times during our marriage to find compromises. He always agrees to them, but seems to decide that he doesn’t agree to them at some point without talking with me. This honestly is hurtful as are many of the other actions he does. I love my husband very much, but I can honestly say he has hurt our relationship through his lack of communication and breaking my trust. His parents in fact just got divorced after 20 years because his mother he’s an avid marijuana user and refused to make any concessions. This eventually lead to them separating and of course divorcing. It is very sad, and honestly I thought when this happened he would stop smoking. All it did I believe though, is make him want to smoke more because of the stress. The best thing I could recommend to any couple dealing with this issue is to find a way to honestly and openly communicate. Don’t go behind your partners back, don’t spend money that you don’t have, never lie to your partner. If you have trouble talking with your partner about this topic find a trusted confidant such as a counselor or pastor; someone who has the best interest for both of you in mind. I personally would not advise choosing to continue to smoke marijuana if it is detrimental to your marriage. It is simply a thing, whereas people truly matter. Although my husband and I struggle with this we are working through it, and we are both working to find understanding and grace through this. We have to talk with someone at times about it.

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42. What if it was the same situation but been marked for 30 yrs?

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