Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“My Wife Won’t Leave the Gym Where She had an Affair with Her Personal Trainer”

My wife and I have been happily married for 10 years with two lovely daughters, 7 and 5 years old. They mean the world to us and we mean the world to each other. We both are extremely successful professionally, working full-time jobs with work travel for me and occasional weekend and night shifts for my wife. We live 40 miles from my office, so I have a two-hour round-trip commute each day, which typically means my wife has the main responsibilities of getting the girls ready in the morning and taking them to/from school as she works a four-mile radius from house/school/office. There’s also many after school activities (ballet, gymnastics, soccer, baseball), as well as regular homework (plus extra gifted and talented homework). I always make it home for dinner and homework and occasionally for after-school activities, depending on traffic. We travel frequently with the family as well as on an occasional romantic getaway trip. Recently, we went to Italy for a week and then spent a weekend out-of-state for our 10-year anniversary.

Well, my wife started taking a boot camp class a year ago where she gets up at 5 a.m. four times a week to work out. It has been great for her — she looks great, feels great, and has met many new friends. Over the last six months, work has become very stressful for both my wife and me, and I am even looking for a new job because I am no longer happy doing what I have been doing for last 10 years. My wife was promoted and has much more responsibility, causing her a great level of stress and extra work hours.

In the last few months, I do acknowledge, there was not a lot of fun in the house. My wife and I were definitely going through the motions of work, kids, and life, with little connection. We still remained regularly intimate throughout this time, but there was not the same connection. I noticed my wife spent a lot more time on her phone. And one night she asked to go have drinks with some of her friends — not uncommon — and I said “No problem if you just help me put the kids to bed first.” Then I see a text message preview on her phone from a man saying “can’t wait to see you.” Curious, I open her phone to see a text log of 4K texts over the last few months to her personal trainer in which they both say the magic words, “I love you.”

I completely broke down, and I asked what the hell was going on. I was ensured nothing physical had ever happened (who knows if that would be true had they met up for the first time that night). I’m told their emotional affair started as a friendship where he gave her praise and compliments as a mother who works. She enjoyed the connection and getting to know someone with a vastly different background and view on life. She started sharing with him personal info about our lives and how stressed out she is with work-life balance and how little I was helping lately. He started acting like a life coach, allegedly telling her she needs to ask for more help around the house. She referenced that the fun was gone. They started having fun conversations ALL the time by phone and by text. And then the connection grew into more and she never stopped it. She says she never thought about leaving me or the family. She never stopped loving me and still loves me with all her heart. She wants to do everything possible to rebuild our relationship better than it was before.

The last few weeks have been the worst of my life — with little sleep, high anxiety, and lots of difficult conversations. I have since realized and admitted that I had become a bit closed off at home with her — never with our girls, but what little time around the house I had I spent working late for my bad boss while searching for new job. I had slacked on some of the chores around the house and took my wife for granted in all that she did around the house to keep it a well-oiled machine (chores, laundry, buying groceries, kids’ clothes shopping, buying birthday presents, keeping the family calendar updated, etc.) I did not do enough to remind her of what an amazing woman she is. I assumed she knew because I married her and I tell her I love her every day. But I did not truly state out loud how much I appreciate all the things she does. We have had many great, in-depth conversations about my personal reflections and the changes I commit to make, like sharing more of the family task load, making more time to keep our connection, and bringing the fun back to our marriage.

The issue now is that she has become fully committed to her boot camp crew of girls (20 of them), and has said very firmly that she needs to still maintain that routine schedule that is a part of her work/life stress balance.
This obviously kills me to think that she will then be in the same location multiple times a week with the very man with whom she had an emotional affair. But she maintains that if she does not go, a part of her will be missing and she will be crabby and unfulfilled. She reiterates that her connection with the trainer is 100% dead and that working out is completely separate from him. But my brain cannot separate the two from each other. I allowed her to return for a few weeks to see how it goes. She is happy, and we are continuing to rebuild our marriage and grow our love. But I am dying inside everytime she goes to bootcamp knowing he is there.

What am I supposed to do???? — Dying Inside

Wait, so your wife has been emotionally cheating on you for months, and now that she’s been caught and you have promised to commit to re-investing in your marriage, she says she, too, wants “to do everything possible to rebuild your relationship better than it was before”… except change gyms? That’s not what someone who is truly committed to a marriage would say or do. I don’t care how much her boot camp ladies mean to her; they cannot possibly mean anywhere near what her husband of ten years means. They cannot possibly be worth continuing to hurt you and risk losing her marriage. She needs to find a new gym! And you need to tell her as much. This needs to be your line in the sand.

Yes, you both failed each other, you both messed up, and I’m going to take you at your word that you WANT to be more present in your marriage and your family life — to do more in the way of emotional work, child care, domestic chores, AND romancing your wife, and I believe that you believe that you are. I would suggest here though that when two partners in a relationship have high stress, demanding jobs with long hours (and/or long hours plus a very long commute), it is nearly impossible to balance work and home responsibilities without some outside help (and even then, still so hard). Since your wife just got a promotion and since you are very unhappy in your job and looking for a new one, I wonder if an answer to some of your issues might be your finding a job that requires less from you — maybe a part-time job or a job consulting, where you can set your own hours and potentially even work from home and more easily take on some of the domestic duties that typically fall on your wife because she gets home earlier than you (and, let’s be honest, because she’s a woman and you both were likely raised and socialized with the message — either by your own families or by the culture at large — that the wife/mother takes on more of the domestic duties, and that has stuck for you even though women now work more out of the home and for higher incomes than at any other point in history).

So, those are some suggestions for you in your quest to legitimately and earnestly re-commit to your marriage and ease some of the burdens that have more typically fallen on your over-worked wife. But what is SHE doing? Literally the one thing she could do to show her equal commitment to righting her wrongs would be to leave the gym where the man she’s been confessing her love to for months still works. And she isn’t willing to do that? Because she loves her boot camp crew too much? Dude, no.

Draw the line in the sand, tell her it is absolutely unacceptable that she continues going to that gym, make an appointment with a marriage therapist, invest some of the income you both must make from your “extremely successful” careers into outsourcing some domestic help to ease the burden on your wife (or cut back on the hours you work to be more present at home and take on a bigger load of the housework), and hire a babysitter to give you and your wife some more time out by yourselves to re-connect so that neither of you is tempted to look elsewhere for much-needed emotional support (by the way, a babysitter could also help with after-school chauffeuring and shuttling the kids around). If you aren’t both on board with making the bare minimum sacrifices and compromises for the sake of your marriage, you aren’t left with much choice but to MOA because it’s not enough to talk the talk of doing “everything possible to rebuild a relationship”; you gotta be able to walk the walk, too. And right now it seems that the only walk your wife wants to do is whatever her bootcamp crew is doing.

***************

Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy​(AT)​dearwendy.com.

74 comments… add one
  • avatar

    JD December 6, 2018, 10:14 am

    Wendy is right, your wife says she will do anything to work on your marriage but she is not doing the most basic thing. She is saying her friends are more important than your marriage. Unless you live in a town with 1 gym, 1 restaurant, etc. she can join another gym. She lost the right to “prefer” to be around her friends when she violated the vows of your marriage. She needs to suffer those consequences, not you.

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    • TaraMonster

      TaraMonster December 6, 2018, 10:40 am

      Completely agree with this. LW, you talk a lot about your role in creating this situation and I think that self-reflection is warranted and healthy and will be a great tool in healing and rebuilding this–but you can’t be the only one doing that. She, at a minimum, needs to leave that gym. That is the very least she can do and it’s concerning that she is being resistant about it.

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  • Miel

    Miel December 6, 2018, 10:29 am

    All I see is: yes the relationship might not have been as good as it once was, yes maybe the husband was busy and stressed and the wife was busy and stressed, but SHE cheated with someone else. So what is SHE doing to right that wrong? What is SHE doing to bring back trust in the relationship?

    I think here we have the point-of-view of the husband, and it does seem like he takes some of the responsibility for the “lack of fun” in their marriage in recent times, and I think Wendy’s advices are spot on for him (hiring some help, less stressful job, marriage counselling).

    But I just can’t help thinking, what is SHE doing to distance herself from her boyfriend? What is SHE doing to allow them to re-grow trust and emotional intimacy in the relationship? I understand that leaving the boot camp group would suck but… what else is she proposing to do? Is the husband supposed to just take her word for it that the emotional affair is over and that he can trust her again?

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    • avatar

      JD December 6, 2018, 10:34 am

      If her husband is distant she talks to him about it. She asks for help. She asks to go to counseling.

      Heck, my husband has been way too into a phone game lately, eyes glued for hours. Yesterday I told him that it was becoming excessive and I was getting a bit frustrated. I communicated as soon as it was a problem. In return he said “oh hun I’m sorry I was really into it, you’re right though”. Then he put the game down and spent time with me. So how magically communicating works. You don’t fall in love with someone else, you work on your relationship and address problems when they happen, not just grow resentful.

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  • avatar

    Poppy December 6, 2018, 10:30 am

    He assumes emotional affair but the fact that they have said I love you would make me think its physical as well. Not stirring the pot but I cant image people using I love you without being physically invovled with a person when it comes to situations like this. Agreed with Wendy. I also thought that they both could give up their second part time job and give up on going on Luxury trips. That way they can focus more on their family time and one on one time. Or if they choose to continue at least hiring a maid service once or twice a month to help take the load off. Most families have both parents and kids in extracurricular activities. If your wifes cooking dinner are you cleaning it up? In regards to the finding a new gym, I would agree wife needs too. However, she may be under contract with them (sure she could cancel it but gym memberships arent cheap) and are there other gyms that offer the same services. She put herself in bad case scenario so it really shouldnt matter that her fault.

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    • Dear Wendy

      Dear Wendy December 6, 2018, 10:35 am

      Canceling a gym membership is a lot cheaper than divorce.

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      • avatar

        dinoceros December 6, 2018, 10:59 am

        Yeah. I hope that she considers the existence of her marriage to be more important than gym fees.

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    • avatar

      Kali December 6, 2018, 11:38 am

      I agree with Poppy 100%. She assured him it wasn’t physical and he believes that? I wouldn’t. Besides, an emotional affair is probably even more threatening to a marriage.

      I hope they can get this back on track for the kids’ sake but it doesn’t sound like the wife is all that contrite or committed.

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    • avatar

      SpaceySteph December 6, 2018, 12:49 pm

      Did I miss a part where it says they both work multiple jobs? Wife has evening/weekend shifts but that sounds like part of her primary job (my job is similar).

      And yeah, it sounds like they’re doing ok financially so I can’t imagine the gym cancellation fee is the showstopper. She either really does like her boot camp group or– more likely– she is trying to see the trainer more discreetly than before.

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      • avatar

        Poppy December 6, 2018, 1:39 pm

        Cancelling that member would be cheaper I was just saying. @SpaceySteph I could have sworn it said they both work a full time job and part time job but I am not about to go re-read that. Lol. It was a good read but not worth reading again.

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  • bittergaymark

    Bittergaymark December 6, 2018, 10:35 am

    Emotional affair only, eh? And with a super hot trainer from the gym? Please! Yeah, right. She’s lying. They fucked. And now she has somehow gaslighted you into believing this is largely your fault as your two hour commute means she has more time to do chores… Therapy, I guess. Maybe join a gym of your own…

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  • juliecatharine

    Juliecatharine December 6, 2018, 10:41 am

    WWS. Quitting that gym is non-negotiable. Before laying that out for her I would verify that boot camp exists and that she’s actually going to it. If you’re in a no-fault divorce state it doesn’t matter but if you don’t it could make a very big difference and I think you should do some investigating or hire someone to do it for you. It sounds to me like she’s made zero changes and the ‘it never got physical’ reads like complete bullshit. Protect yourself and verify before you consider quitting your job or making other drastic changes.

    Hopefully the above paragraph is me being overly paranoid! If that’s the case hire a cleaning service to come in once a week. It makes life easier and frees up a good chunk of time to do something fun as a family. Good luck.

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    • avatar

      Ashley C. December 6, 2018, 2:55 pm

      Yeah I don’t think I’ve ever read a letter hear where PI would be more appropriate. I didn’t get the sense from your letter your wife is doing anything more than saying what she needs to say to keep you from divorcing her. Also I find it highly unlikely your wife didn’t sleep with that guy. Maybe I’m just slutty millennial trash, but you don’t send thousands of texts to someone and not fuck.

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      • avatar

        Kate December 6, 2018, 2:58 pm

        I’m older and have had relatively few partners and, same.

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      • avatar

        SpaceySteph December 6, 2018, 3:12 pm

        “slutty millennial trash” is the name of my punk rock band.

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      • avatar

        JD December 6, 2018, 3:28 pm

        I wouldn’t even be willing to text someone that much if they weren’t putting out.

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  • avatar

    Vathena December 6, 2018, 10:47 am

    Agree with BGM. She’s completely gaslighting you. It does sound like she was giving a lot to keep the house and kid plates spinning, but if she was feeling unappreciated/lack of connection, the thing to do is USE HER WORDS to talk to YOU, her husband, about it. Not to go out and have an affair (emotional or otherwise). You sound pretty reasonable and seem to recognize that it’s tough to juggle all of these things – you’re not getting defensive or saying it’s her job as the woman – so she has no excuse. Plus, if she’s so drained from her hectic schedule of full-time work, laundry, and raising two kids, it’s really extra awful to be taking time and energy away from the marriage and family to give to some guy. (I work and we have only one kid, and I definitely don’t have the energy to work out 5x a week OR conduct any kind of affair. I’m lucky if I talk to my mom every week. And maybe text my friend group chat like once every 2 days. And comment on Dear Wendy. But I digress.)

    There are seasons in life and you two are in a busy one. A few months in the life of a long and happy marriage is NOTHING. As the wise Michelle Obama has said, if you’re married for 50 years and 20 of those years were miserable, then you’re doing great. Sounds to me like your wife gets to have her cake and eat it too. You’re accepting responsibility and stepping up more at home. What is she doing to ensure the health of your partnership? Nothing.

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    • avatar

      Vathena December 6, 2018, 10:49 am

      Meant to add: if her response to a stressful few months is to check out of the marriage and have an affair, then your marriage is in big trouble.

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    • avatar

      dinoceros December 6, 2018, 10:57 am

      Exactly. Intelligent adults know that an affair may tank their marriage. Someone who is truly concerned about it and wants to make it better are going to put SOME effort into fixing it before going that route. And there are also many people who would choose to seek a divorce first anyway, because they feel that cheating is wrong. This doesn’t bode well for how much she values the marriage and for her character.

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    • Dear Wendy

      Dear Wendy December 6, 2018, 11:04 am

      Did Michelle Obama really say that? Twenty years of misery seems really extensive even for a 50-year marriage. I would not call that “great” at all! Two years of misery? Ok, maybe. Ten years of exhaustion while raising young kids or working hard while establishing a career? Reasonable. But no one should stay in a marriage that is miserable 40% of the time!

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      • avatar

        Vathena December 6, 2018, 11:26 am

        I’m pretty sure she was making a joke – it was on the Oprah podcast interview when her book came out (recommend listening – it was great!) She was making a point that marriage isn’t always transcendent, but if you are truly committed to each other, you see the hard times through.

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      • bittergaymark

        Bittergaymark December 6, 2018, 11:28 am

        Eh… the bar is RATHER low today in marriages.

        😉

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      • avatar

        csp December 6, 2018, 12:05 pm

        I heard her on the Oprah podcast. In context, she was saying that there are times in your life that are really hard and a long slog and where you are just getting by. But if you consider these times a season, you can make it through them stronger. She was talking about when she had young kids and a job and he was traveling as a senator.

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      • Dear Wendy

        Dear Wendy December 6, 2018, 12:59 pm

        I think the season in a marriage when you’re raising young children is pretty hard and can take a toll on a marriage (and I’m sure if you marry at a point when you’re investing a lot in building a career or have committed to outside callings, like social justice or politics or religion or something, then all of those things can also greatly impact a marriage and not necessarily for the better). But calling it “miserable” is a stretch, and if people genuinely feel miserable in a marriage, they need to address that and not chalk it up to “a season.” Misery isn’t a season in a marriage. (I didn’t hear the Oprah podcast where Michelle supposedly said this, so I’m not claiming that I understand her point or the context of her statement -just that the idea of seasons in relationships and lives is totally valid but shouldn’t excuse a bad marriage).

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      • avatar

        Northern Star December 6, 2018, 12:27 pm

        20 years of misery could be the entirety of your time raising children. That’s not an acceptable amount of “misery” to me.

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      • avatar

        csp December 7, 2018, 8:36 am

        So the misery comment I think is retrospective. So for example, the 5 years of infertility my husband and I had was miserable. We made the best of it and traveled and came closer as a couple. But when I look back, it sucked big time. It doesn’t mean that we were miserable together, it is just some times are really damn hard.

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  • avatar

    dinoceros December 6, 2018, 10:52 am

    I have several thoughts about this that I’m not going to try to organize:
    –Your wife isn’t willing to do “everything possible” since she’s already say no to a pretty reasonable thing you asked of her — not interacting with the dude she was in love with. Ceasing to see the other person is pretty basic. Aside from her refusing to do that, the fact that she says she’ll do anything and clearly won’t discredits her even more. It shows she’ll say anything, even if it isn’t true, to keep you around. If you live somewhere where your kids have that many extracurriculars to choose from, then there are other gyms and fitness centers. This isn’t the only one.
    –I appreciate your willingness to look at your own faults, but that doesn’t totally absolve her. Did she ever try to talk to you about what was happening? Recommend counseling? It sounds like you both contributed to your marriage becoming lackluster, but it also sounds like you are sort of taking on extra blame in order to not have to admit that your wife willingly chose to carry on an affair with someone else, to the point of falling in love.
    –I’m curious since you refer to the emotional affair only. Are you saying it never got physical? That seems fairly unlikely. I don’t know a lot of people who exchange I Love Yous without a physical relationship, especially for that long (except maybe middle schoolers or something). It’s my believe that emotional affairs are more of a means to an end, not the end itself. Any emotional affair that last long enough will become physical, unless there are geographical barriers.

    If it were me, I would insist on counseling and quitting the gym, and if those things couldn’t be done, then I’d start preparing for the possibility that the marriage is ending.

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  • avatar

    LisforLeslie December 6, 2018, 10:59 am

    They had sex. You don’t say I love you willy nilly.

    If the situation were reversed and you had an emotional affair (or physical affair) with someone at work, she’d likely demand that you leave your job.

    You need therapy stat, individual or couple’s. You need a third party who can call out the bs your wife is trying to hand you.

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    • avatar

      JD December 6, 2018, 11:02 am

      Totally agree. They for sure had a physical relationship.

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      • avatar

        Kate December 6, 2018, 11:29 am

        Yeah.

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    • juliecatharine

      Juliecatharine December 6, 2018, 11:41 am

      Completely agree. I’m also not convinced that it’s over or that she’s actually going to boot camp-that sounds like a cover story to me.

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      • avatar

        Kate December 6, 2018, 11:47 am

        You don’t go from texting and talking all day and saying I love you and probably having sex, to no contact except he’s just my trainer. These two need to go through the actual process of rebuilding trust, with a professional, and there needs to be legit no contact with the dude.

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      • avatar

        Vathena December 6, 2018, 11:55 am

        Yes, this. And during the trust-rebuilding phase, he should have uncontested access to her phone. If she’s being secretive with it AT ALL, there can be no trust.

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  • Dear Wendy

    Dear Wendy December 6, 2018, 12:00 pm

    I also think the wife and the trainer are having sex, but decided not to mention it in my response bc I thought if I did, it would be the only thing the LW would focus on and there were other important points I wanted to make. But, yeah, LW, your wife was probably having sex with her trainer during some of those 5 am workouts and occasional evening and weekend shifts.

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    • avatar

      Kate December 6, 2018, 12:05 pm

      Makes sense. But yeah, these things always turn physical.

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  • Skyblossom

    Skyblossom December 6, 2018, 1:16 pm

    So your wife has an emotional affair and you take all of the blame for it and she refuses to quit seeing the guy.

    Several things have to happen. She has to own her part in the affair. No one forced her to cheat and you certainly didn’t push her into. She made a decision to cross a line. She made that decision freely. She needs to admit that. She cheated. She has to build trust.

    She also has to quit putting herself into a position where she will be seeing the boyfriend. She has no business going to that gym again. If she cares about you she would never put you into the position of knowing she is at the gym and seeing the trainer. That’s a sign that she doesn’t actually value you or the marriage and is refusing to give up the boyfriend. She doesn’t care how much emotional harm she causes you. If she refuses to quit the gym you should consider asking her to move out because you don’t trust her. You shouldn’t move out. That’s a way to hand her the kids.

    My husband commutes an hour each way and I drive two miles to work. I do the cooking and more of the cleaning and I shuttled the kids around for activities when they needed it and I made sure their homework was done before he got home. He was still away from home more than I was and his job had longer hours. If your wife is so busy how did she manage to have time for 4K texts and how did she have time to cheat? If she had put that much effort into the marriage she wouldn’t have been cheating. If she has put in half the effort texting you it wouldn’t have happened.

    You should talk to a counselor who can help you see where you were wrong but also how your wife was wrong and can tell you what she needs to do to try to create trust.

    Your wife wants to live like she didn’t nothing wrong and that she is fully trustworthy. Neither is true. The consequence is that she must rebuild trust and she can only do that by being transparent and by avoiding the situation where she cheated. If she isn’t willing to do that she isn’t willing to work on the marriage. She is showing herself to be unwilling to prioritize the marriage. Right now she has you taking all of the blame and taking up more of the slack at home which ultimately will give her even more time to carry on an affair.

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  • avatar

    csp December 6, 2018, 1:17 pm

    LW – I am so sorry this happened to you. I agree with everyone here. She needs to quit that gym. Find another place. If you have any chance to save your marriage, you need to get this person out of your lives. Good Luck.

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  • avatar

    peggy December 6, 2018, 1:47 pm

    I am surprised too that she did not move to a different gym. I also suspect they had and may still have a sexual affair.
    All of the suggestions above are great and should be implemented. This may not mean anything, but L.W.,I noticed twice you said that you “allowed” your wife to do x or z.. This seems chauvinistic to me and I wonder if she do not feel treated equally or fairly by you? Just my 2 cents.

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  • avatar

    Fyodor December 6, 2018, 2:10 pm

    Find a divorce lawyer. Your wife slept with her trainer and is still probably sleeping with him. She cheated on you and isn’t willing to go through the motions of even pretending to stop. You may have issues in your marriage but the speed with which she has flipped her infidelity to being your fault is wacko.

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    • TaraMonster

      TaraMonster December 6, 2018, 2:34 pm

      I agree with her flipping it around on him. It made me sad for him that he seems to be taking on a disproportionate amount of the blame. At the end of the day, he’s not the one who decided to carry out an affair.

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      • avatar

        ktfran December 6, 2018, 2:41 pm

        Agreed.

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      • avatar

        JD December 6, 2018, 2:52 pm

        Agree. It is for sure good to do some reflection when something like this happens but at the end of the day she is the one in the wrong.

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    • avatar

      csp December 6, 2018, 4:19 pm

      The only thing I will say is that she had 4000 texts with this guy and he didn’t even notice. That is a lot of texting.

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      • avatar

        ktfran December 6, 2018, 4:43 pm

        I don’t think that says anything. The husband and I will play games on our phones when we’re unwinding in the evening. I could easily be texting instead.

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      • Skyblossom

        Skyblossom December 6, 2018, 4:58 pm

        It may mostly have occurred while he was at work. If she is always looking at her phone and texting with everyone he wouldn’t notice texting with one extra person. It really may show that she is just so distant at home that it wasn’t obvious.

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      • avatar

        dinoceros December 6, 2018, 6:26 pm

        It doesn’t sound like they spend much time together to begin with.

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      • avatar

        csp December 7, 2018, 8:38 am

        @dinoceros – I think that is my point. I mean, that is a lot of texting to not notice. I think it is because they just aren’t together.

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      • avatar

        LisforLeslie December 7, 2018, 9:12 am

        Well he says it was between 9 – 4, so while at work. She wasn’t doing it when she was doing mom/wife stuff.

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  • avatar

    ron December 6, 2018, 2:52 pm

    Yes, it definitely was a sexual affair and the reason she refuses to change gyms is that she intends to continue sleeping with her trainer. Having access to her phone would mean nothing — she’s learned that lesson. This is like curfews for H.S. girls — sex doesn’t have to happen after 10:00 or 11:00 P.M. The date schedule is set to prioritize the main event. Your wife and trainer can have sex at 5:30 A.M. almost as easily as at a time for ‘going out for drinks with friends’.

    I wouldn’t trust her. Changing gyms is an absolute minimum, as is counseling. I think divorce will be the outcome of this.

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  • avatar

    Holden December 6, 2018, 5:57 pm

    To clarify my post to Wendy….

    This is a boot camp class of 30+ led by instructor everyday from 5-6am. Not 1 on 1 session. And each day they post group photo on Facebook to track progress and attendance. Then my wife is home at 6am so I can leave for work. So I am 100% sure zero physical happened during “boot camp time”

    All texts/calls were between 9am-4pm which also leaves me to believe very little time to meet in person. Only the last week did it seem unusual and that was when texting while Home and finally planned to meet in person.

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    • bittergaymark

      Bittergaymark December 6, 2018, 7:16 pm

      Eh… 7000 texts is an awful lot of texts, I still don’t buy that it hadn’t yet got physical.

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      • avatar

        Kate December 6, 2018, 7:45 pm

        Dude.

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      • bittergaymark

        Bittergaymark December 6, 2018, 8:52 pm

        70 texts, and Ernie the fat guy from accounting — maybe. 7,000 texts and the hottest guy at the gym? Please. They banged banged banged. Do the math.

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      • avatar

        Fyodor December 6, 2018, 9:14 pm

        She didn’t have a platonic affair with her trainer.

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      • avatar

        Kate December 7, 2018, 5:36 am

        Yeah my comment “dude” was to Holden, not BGM. I’m sorry, but I do think it was /is physical.

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      LisforLeslie December 7, 2018, 6:37 am

      What about all of those “going drinking with the girls” nights that you said were not uncommon?
      Even if you trust that she wasn’t physical, there is the possibility that is true, the fact remains that she said she’s willing to anything…. except stop the one activity that puts her in daily contact with this guy. That’s a show stopper. Giant flag o’ red. Cue record scratch!

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      JD December 7, 2018, 6:57 am

      You need to operate sssuming she was physical. Ohh and get tested ASAP.

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    saneinca December 6, 2018, 6:37 pm

    I will not assume an ‘I love you’ as a confirmation of an affair.
    And hey, if she had a good group of women she got along with, I can see her reluctance to give up her gym and exercise routine.

    And you guys are way too forgiving of the LW. After all he not only left her to take care of the house and children all the time but did not even feel the need to communicate with her after coming home. If his wife can afford to go to gym on top of all her tasks, he could have got up early and did his job search in the mornings.
    I agree all of that should not lead to cheating but that is what will happen if you dont cherish your relationships while they exist.

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      JD December 6, 2018, 9:24 pm

      Uh she admitted she had some level of affair. If your not happy you address it or leave. Not cheat.

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        saneinca December 6, 2018, 10:27 pm

        I meant a physical affair.

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      ktfran December 6, 2018, 9:57 pm

      Seriously? She sure as hell didn’t cherish him or her vows when she had an emotional affair. And yes, that is an affair.

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      • avatar

        saneinca December 6, 2018, 10:29 pm

        She did not respect her vows. On the other hand the LW was not being a good partner.

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      LisforLeslie December 7, 2018, 6:40 am

      He fully admits to his faults. He is trying to put things back on track.

      She fucked up and now she’s not willing to put her marriage above her gym class.

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    Fyodor December 6, 2018, 7:52 pm

    This is a good stock photo.

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  • avatar

    brise December 8, 2018, 4:25 am

    LW, stop having meltdowns, hire an attorney and set boundaries to your wife. Meanwhile, I have an advice for you, as your wife refuse to change gym. Go to that gym, ask to speak privately to the manager and complain: explain the situation, say that the trainer is unprofessional, he is payed for a service and is having an affair with your wife, your marriage is in turmoil, you have two small kids, let hint that you will sue and it is a mess. He might be fired.
    This happened at my gym actuallay. A hot, young and sexy trainer started to flirt with a married woman in her forties. For the other ladies, it looked like a game. But suddenly, he was fired. I never saw him anymore. I learned that he made comments on her on a Facebook picture of the class, the husband complained: out. I don’t think you have proof, right? But you can make it so unconfortable for these two that a change of gym will take place. Plus, she might get her money back, as she is probably booked there for a whole year. Assert yourself.

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    • Skyblossom

      Skyblossom December 8, 2018, 7:40 am

      You can’t legally tell your wife that she can’t have an affair. You can threaten divorce. He could see if he could legally force her to move out of the home. He could make it very real that there are permanent consequences.

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    brise December 8, 2018, 8:03 am

    I advise to take action against the trainer, not the wife. He acted in a completely inappropriate and unprofessional way. He can’t send thousands of private messages to a client, especially if she is married with small children. If he complains to the gym manager, chances are high that this trainer gets fired. And rightfully so.
    Plus, the LW will regain some agency because he needs it.
    The gym will then certainly ask the wife to leave/find an other gym and will reimburse her the months she didn’t use.
    The divorce attorney: this is to address his situation with his wife. The prospect is not good.

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    • Skyblossom

      Skyblossom December 8, 2018, 8:36 am

      I agree the prospects aren’t good. She doesn’t show much remorse and definitely doesn’t want to put distance between herself and the trainer.

      The trainer was definitely over the line. It could work getting him fired. It might depend on whether the gym sees him flirting with clients as an asset that brings women in or if they see him as someone who will lose them clients.

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    • avatar

      JD December 8, 2018, 9:05 am

      This is the wife’s affair not the trainers. He isn’t s doctor under some oath.

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      Fyodor December 8, 2018, 5:10 pm

      Why waste time with the trainer? Revenge is a loser’s game. Get divorced and move on as much as you can.

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      • avatar

        ron December 8, 2018, 8:19 pm

        Yeah, this marriage is dead. That the wife won’t even change gyms tells us how serious the affair is and how little she cares about continuing the marriage. If she could move in with the trainer tomorrow, she would. She’s biding her time, parked in the security the marriage provides, until she can do that. Gone within the year. It will be easier on LW if he is the guy who makes that move first. Lawyer up and follow lawyer’s advice. This is not a case where marriage counseling makes sense. She’s already made her decision on the marriage and that isn’t going to change.

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    emerald December 9, 2018, 1:08 pm

    This is a short story on how i fell in love with a married man.
    We have been seeing each other for THERE years, we love each other, he as been promising me
    he will leave is wife but he never did, time went on still the same thing. I saw an ad concerning a spell
    caster i contacted him and told him my situation after some negotiation he agreed to help me, which he did.
    within a week he divorced his wife and now we are married.
    If you need his service this is the mail you can reach him on; [email protected]

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  • avatar

    Eyeroll December 10, 2018, 10:36 am

    GET TESTED. SHE TOTALLY FUCKED HIM AND LIKELY HAD HIS UNCONDOMED DICK IN HER MOUTH.

    ASK HER TO GET TESTED. IF SHE BALKS, WELL YOU CAN CALL HER ON HER REACTION — THAT’S DEF A NAIL IN THE COFFIN TO DIVORCE. SHE PUT YOU IN AN UNSAFE/UNHEALTHY POSITION. SHE CLEARLY DIDN’T CARE ABOUT *YOUR* BODY. HER SELFISH CHOICES COULD GIVE YOU AN STD. I DOUBT SHE HAD HIM TESTED BEFORE SHE PUT OUT. WHO KNOWS WHAT HE’S GOT FROM BEING THE ADONIS SLE3EPING WITH HUNDREDS OF WOMEN (ORMEN!)

    ALSO, GET DNA FOR YOUR KIDS. ONCE A CHEATER ALWAYS A CHEATER.

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    • avatar

      JD December 10, 2018, 11:31 am

      Ok calm down. You have zero idea how many people this man slept with. Stop with this bullshit that if someone had sex with someone they must have slept with hundreds of people. Yes he should get tested, everyone should in this situation. It was not the trainers job to not cheat on her marriage, it was hers. Heck, he might not have even known she was married. We don’t know. And for the love of God with the caps.

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