“I Am Obsessed With the Woman I Let Get Away”
Everything matched perfectly – emotions, cultural tastes, humor, sex, life aspirations. Still, when the time came for me to leave, I went back to patch up my marriage – mainly for fear of “losing” our young children. I launched myself into a terrible, 18-month emotional ordeal which ended up with me losing both the marriage and Jill. She had waited a long time and suffered a lot. Now she’s with another man.
Two more years have passed now since Jill left me, and in these two years, I have dated several other women. So far, all these experiences have, in the end, only reinforced the terrible grief I feel deep down in my heart for the wonderful relationship I lost because I was ready neither for divorce nor even to really recognize how special the relationship with Jill was. I have gone through all the mental moves to relativize and demystify her, to “take her down from the pedestal,” and the process doesn’t work. It only keeps reminding me of the precious details from our relationship that I did not fully appreciate when they happened.
My life goes on, I’m successful in my work, I go out and socialize, I spend time with my kids – I feel like I do everything to make the grief go away. But once in a while – usually in some moment of quiet solitude when I see or experience something beautiful – the thought of “if only she were here” passes through my mind. And, once every couple of months, the thought makes me break down crying.
More and more, I realize the possibility that I may never be quite as happy again as I was in those magical 10 months. I’m afraid that no other woman will live up the the impossible standards Jilly set, but I don’t want to lower my standards to the point that I will jump into a relationship with a woman whom I’m unable to really love. How do I deal with this? — Earnestly in Love with Her Memory”
Of course you aren’t likely to ever be quite as happy again as you were in those magical ten months you were dating the woman you’ve become obsessed with, and it’s not because of her. It’s like when you go on vacation and everything is wonderful: The sun is so warm! The food is so delicious! And the endless time to fritter away doing nothing or whatever you want — it’s all so great. And then you come home to your house that needs a new heating system or a driveway that needs to be re-paved and to your kids and their endless homework and demands and to your widowed mother who hasn’t quite mastered how to take care of herself since your father died and to the weeds, the endless weeds, that threaten to overtake your entire yard. How can you ever be happy in real life when all your problems were delightfully suspended on vacation, at least temporarily?
It’s the same with this woman. She represented to you a respite from the stress and emotional turmoil of a failing marriage and caring for two young children. She may very well have been all the wonderful things you say she was and your relationship may have been super special, but the truth is, when you were with her, you were away from the things causing you stress, and, when you left her, you re-entered at least 18 months of what you call “emotional turmoil” as your marriage collapsed and you then established a new relationship with your ex-wife, figuring out how to co-parent successfully. These are things that will do a number on anyone. It’s natural that you would romanticize a time — and a person — in your life whose existence was free, at least immediately, of the pain and stress that followed upon your return home.
So, how do you deal with the feeling that you may never find that kind of happiness again? How do you date women without comparing them to the incomparable? You do what millions of people do when they get home from vacation: You accept that real life ISN’T comparable to the fantasy world of vacation and you move on. You counter the stresses of your daily life with as much joy and fun as you can find and create. When you are done with your work and your chores and caring for your children for the day, you fill the time that is left with the little things that make you happy: taking photos; watching movies; listening to live music; reading good books; cooking a new recipe; seeing friends; even planning your next vacation. And, yes, you “lower your standards,” though I prefer “shift your expectations,” because it’s unfair to yourself to view your reality through the same lens you view your fantasy world.
Reality, with its bills and flu seasons and leaky faucets and imperfect potential love interests will always fall short if you keep comparing. Except for one big, huge, exception: Reality, as much as it can drain your energy and let you down, will always be there for you. It will keep you warm at night while your fantasy life is off galavanting with someone else.
If I were you, I’d take a solid six months and not date anyone. Clean your palate, so to speak. And get used to the idea that the women you’ll date in the future will be imperfect, just like you are. But it’s the imperfections that remind us we are alive and living fully in this world. It’s the imperfections — and the acceptance of those imperfections — that root us in reality. And while reality may never be the white sands and turquoise sea of our vacation memories, there’s great beauty and joy and happiness in what we are able to access more immediately and readily. There’s wonderful gratification in making our everyday worlds as rich and pleasurable as possible so that the re-entry from our occasional escapes isn’t so jarring.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
This seems important: “Now I feel I can only move further if I find a new, happy relationship.” Yeah, I think you’re feeling what a lot of people feel who married the wrong person or couldn’t make it work and are now moving on alone and trying to make sense of things. You feel like you failed in a sense, and you need to fix it by finding a successful relationship and proving you can make it work. That’s part of your obsession here.
And if you’re totally honest with yourself, might you also be buying into the cultural message sent to men, that you get a beautiful, perfect, warm, sexy woman as a “prize” if you’re a “winner” at life? I think the female version of that is women who think the universe owes them a Prince Charming and a fairy tale wedding. Sure, human beings need love and companionship, but nobody “deserves” a wonderful fulfilling committed relationship with a top 1% specimen of the opposite sex. It’s wonderful and amazing if that happens, but it’s not your due.
And everything Wendy said, as far as advice to you.
You are putting this “dream woman” on a pedestal. As Wendy said, at the time it may have felt amazing and awesome and great because of the stuff you were going through in your life. So in reality, she wasn’t as “perfect” as you thought she was because the timing was off — which happens in relationships VERY often. If you had met her after you went through those difficult 18 months *maybe* it would have worked. Maybe. But I think it felt so intense because of the fact that it was an “escape” if you will from real life.
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The fact that you mention that you can “only move further” once you’re in a relationship is interesting. A relationship can enhance your life, yes, but ultimately *you* are the one who needs to come to terms and be happy with yourself as you are. Cheesy as it is, happiness should come from within, not from an external source. Being in a relationship won’t magically make you happier.
You say that now you realize that your marriage wasn’t salvageable and that your fear of losing your kids was overblown, so going back to your wife seems like a mistake. But you didn’t know that back when you decided to give your marriage one more try, did you? Would you have the amicable relationship with your ex-wife that you have now if you had left with the ‘girl’? I doubt it. It seems like you made a decision that made sense to you back then, and the outcome actually hasn’t been so bad (you get along with your ex-wife, you stayed close to your children). You sacrificed your new relationship, but it may have been better for you overall (or at least it was reasonable to believe that at the time).
Also, if things hadn’t worked out with the new woman for another reason you’d move on, right? If she had been the one to dump you, then you’d find acceptance. So start treating this situation as if she made that choice – and in a way she did, she’s with another man and likely doesn’t regret that things didn’t work out with you. If she were given the choice today, she’d dump you in a heartbeat. So start seeing this as something that happened and that’s done, whether or not you believe you made a mistake. You can’t do anything about this now and it’s in the past.
“But it’s the imperfections that remind us we are alive and living fully in this world. It’s the imperfections — and the acceptance of those imperfections — that root us in reality.”
I needed to read this today, thanks Wendy!
WWS.
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My opinion? You are dating too much right now. Chill out. Your dream girl is just that- a dream, not reality.
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The last sentence really irked me, and specifically that a woman would be trying to make him love her. Eh, maybe Im just in a mood today.
If you think of relationships as a treasure hunt where everyone is competing for the best prize, then you are doomed to being dissatisfied. People aren’t simply a list of their attributes. Sure, you should be attracted to your partner and find them funny and sexy and smart, but hopefully there is something in their character that heightens these qualities especially to you. Sorry, but you sound immature. Maybe you’re going through midlife crisis. After taking a dating break, maybe you should start looking for a partner rather than a hot little prize.
I really love Wendy’s advice on this one. I’ll add that, as great as this mystical woman-girl may seem compared to other women you date, SHE is the one who falls short. In reality, she lacks one very important quality- arguably the MOST important quality: the desire to be with you.
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LW, come back down to earth. You made the best decision for yourself at the time and you don’t know what kind of nightmare could have happened had you chosen to stay with her instead of your wife. Look back on the affair as something that helped you at the time and be grateful that it did not cause your life to go up in flames like you once feared. You still have your kids and an amicable relationship with your ex. No, you did not get the girl, too, but I’d say you came out a winner. Change your perspective.
I really love your advice on this letter, Wendy. Its relatable to many situations.
WDWS.
I really loved Wendy’s response. Earnestly in love with her memory, Perhaps the reason you can’t move on is because you don’t want to. Reliving the past can be a wonderful distraction to loneliness. You say you have done the work and are ready to move forward with a companion. You have to let go of the past a little to do that. And maybe you just aren’t willing to do that. Because it’s precious to you. Or because if felt so right. Or because whatever. You are holding on tight to a space in you mind and heart for a memory.
Stop thinking about ways to take her down from a Pedestal. Stop thinking about her period. You say you think about if only she were here. If only she were here what? You wouldn’t feel lonely? You would be in that perfect moment of connection and lust? It would end, too. Life is full of loss. From the moment we are born we are faced with loss. When we hit middle age we have a sense of how fleeting life is and can choose to sulk in a life-time of what-if paths and obsessions. It may seem preferable to a future that feels bleak. But it will only keep you from living a full life in the present. As painful as it is, you have a choice to make.
LW, to be honest you sound pretty self-centered. You say you “loved” this woman, and how did you show it? You dragged her around on 18 months of roller coaster. In her memories you were probably a nightmare boyfriend. Then you go around calling other women “inferior”, as if you’re the Lord High Standard or something. Your letter is all complaints about how they don’t stimulate you; nary a concern about whether you’re stimulating them. Just because they’re not right for you, doesn’t make them “inferior”. Women have value as people independent of pleasing you.
So he was cheating on his wife? That’s kind of a big deal.
Yea that’s what i was thinking. Like of course she was your dream girl, you were caught up in your excitement of cheating and pretending like you didn’t have a family. Sheeesh.