“One of My Friends is Ruining Our Weekend Get-Togethers”
Here’s the problem: Two of the friends are sisters, and one of them – Sis B – has become increasingly difficult to be around – helpless, entitled, and sometimes downright rude. Like most of the group, Sis A is easygoing, appreciative, and helpful. There are two other sisters in the family, and Sis A tells us that even between the other sisters they exchange “Sis B stories” about her unreasonable expectations.
Here’s an example of Sis B’s unreasonable expectations in regard to our get-togethers: Sis B overpacks – and I don’t mean one or two extra outfits; she will show up with a large piece of luggage, and 8-12 additional plastic/paper bags filled with her stuff. The last time we gathered, in addition to the above, she brought FOURTEEN blouses on hangers (not even in the luggage) and FIVE pairs of shoes. Again, this is for a 3-day casual weekend where we go nowhere and do nothing other than lounge.
Even though Sis B’s behavior screams of some deeper emotional issue, it’s not anyone’s place to tell her what she can and cannot bring. But she has mobility issues, and she expects everyone else to haul her luggage up to her bedroom upon her arrival and then back down when she leaves. And to top it off, no one ever hears a thank-you. It is so annoying that my husband (who is adored by the whole group) will “disappear” when she arrives so that he doesn’t become an unappreciated pack mule. If this were the only example of her disrespectfulness, we could probably grit our teeth and bear it. But she is high maintenance all weekend long.
Recent medical issues have increased my stress and anxiety to a level where I decided to seek counseling, and, needless to say, I do not want to invite additional stress or anxiety into my life. If not for the sister situation, it would be easy to leave Sis B out of the next gathering. Besides, when she is not being an entitled, demanding thorn in our sides, Sis B can be good company as well. I don’t want to throw 30+ years of friendship away, but we all agree – we have to deal with Sis B.
Sis A does not want to be the spokesperson and I get that. If I lose a friend, at least my stress will be gone. Sis A can’t just stop talking to her sister, but she will back the rest of us up if we can just figure out how to address the problem in a way that won’t leave Sis B feeling attacked and ostracized. How do we handle Sis B? — Living Adventurously
I’m not sure there’s a way to “address the problem” without Sis B feeling attacked since the problem is that you don’t like her company and don’t want to be friends with her anymore. Nothing in your letter indicated that you’d like to continue this friendship, and that’s understandable. I wouldn’t either. Sis B is high maintenance, is rude, causes you stress, and has a mental health issue she seemingly hasn’t or won’t address. She isn’t someone you would choose to be friends with today, and that you have a thirty-year history isn’t reason enough to continue a relationship that takes more from you than it gives, especially if you need to limit stressors in your life.
You have a problem with Sis B as a person, in general, not just as a guest in your home. And how do you address that with someone without it seeming like a personal attack? You don’t. You just let the friendship fade out. You stop reaching out to the friend. You stop inviting her to your get-togethers. There is no reason at all to continue inviting Sis B to your get-togethers beyond wanting Sis A to come and worrying that she won’t come if you don’t also invite her sister. So ask her if that’s true. She’s a grown-up; she can decide for herself how and whether she would want to navigate this change in your group friendship dynamic as it relates to her sister. If she decides that continuing to attend your get-togethers wouldn’t be worth any potential fall-out with her sister, that is a trade-off you have to accept.
If you can’t accept the idea of Sis A not being at your get-togethers, and her being there is contingent on Sis B being invited, well, you will have to figure out: How much of Sis B’s shit is worth a continued friendship with her sister? She’s not going to suddenly address her deeper emotional issues that you allude to here. If her own family struggles with the same things you struggle with and they haven’t figured out a way to get her to change, then you won’t either. Sis B is not going to have a personality transplant. She is who she is. Sure, you could suggest she pack lighter, but that doesn’t mean she would, and even if she did, it wouldn’t solve the other problems you have with her during her visits to your home. You don’t want her there, and that’s OK! You shouldn’t invite her anymore. It’s not throwing away 30+ years of friendship when you stopped enjoying the friendship years ago.
If Sis A stops being your friend because you stop being her sister’s friend, it’s not YOU who is throwing away the friendship; it would be Sis A deciding to prioritize her relationship with her sister over her friendship with you, and that’s OK, too. As far as the ends of friendships go, it would be hard for you to fault Sis A too much for staying loyal to a sister. As disappointing as that might be to you, I’d hope that would soften the edges of any hurt feelings you might have.
On the other hand, Sis A might decide that she has no issue continuing to attend your get-togethers without her sister being invited. Maybe she’d even prefer this scenario! Or maybe she has suggestions for ways to navigate not inviting her sister. It’s certainly worth sharing your feelings with her and your regret that you no longer want to include Sis B in the gatherings. At the very least, she will understand your position. And if you’re lucky, she’ll ease any anxiety you have about making this change.
Finally, it’s good to remember that friendships change, and it’s healthy to let them. Longevity is not reason enough to maintain relationships that no longer serve you. It doesn’t honor the history you have with the person, and it definitely doesn’t honor your own needs. It’s OK – it’s good and healthy, even – to change the way you conduct a friendship (from simply withholding invitations to ceasing all contact) when the friendship as it is has run its course. And that includes letting go of 30+-year friendships that bring more anxiety to your life than pleasure.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.
Another option is to invite sis B, but don’t buy in to her entitlement. She’s mobility limited, but her room seems to be upstairs, so she can get around. She overpacks? Let her negotiate her luggage up and downstairs. Assign her specific tasks in preparing food and cleanup. Don’ cater to her demands. She can get her own food and clean up. If she won’t, she doesn’t eat. Your group has helped to create this situation by buy i g
In to her demands She either will step up, or it will become so unpleasant for her when she is not the center of attention she no longer will attend.
Sometimes things have to come to an end, or change. Frankly, you sound as inflexible as Sis B, it can’t be someone else’s house, or another city, and presumably can’t be a getaway vacation or something that happens less frequently. What would it be like if you only hosted everyone once a year? Given your health change, wouldn’t that make sense? Or give someone else the reins to plan something new the other 3 times a year, even if it’s just a group video call? I think those things would really lessen the chance for Sis B to get on your nerves. I get it, I have people like that in my life who stay with me and get on my nerves, but if you aren’t going to call out the behavior in the moment, if it’s small stuff, then you’ve gotta let it go. Holding onto it and then blowing up isn’t really fair, IMO.
I had this thought too. LW has an awful lot of particulars around this event as well, and isn’t willing to compromise. We all choose what we want to do, and as we get older, sometimes our willingness to do things we don’t feel like doing increases. I think she just needs to acknowledge they are both rigid.
Don’t bring her luggage up. Tell her you can’t and so she should leave it in the car or downstairs and she can grab what she needs one piece at a time. I don’t have any advice for the rest (ok well I wouldn’t invite her anymore) but start with refusing to cater to the entitlement.
Wow.
Why not tell Sis B that you’ll bring in one bag for her, so she should pack accordingly?
I agree with Wendy’s advice. Well in advance of the next get-together, have a heart to heart with Sis A and ask how she’d feel if you no longer invited her sister to the gatherings. You can have a conversation with Sis B where you tell her that, while you have truly enjoyed getting to know her over the years, you feel your friendship has reached a point where you don’t have as much in common anymore, your personalities are quite different, and you’re going to leave her off the invitation list. Letting Sis B believe she is liked and welcome when she isn’t is an unkindness in itself.
Alternatively, tell Sis B in advance that health changes for all of you mean she’s responsible for her own luggage and that you’re going to be assigning her more tasks of the clean up/prep food/set the table variety so that things are more equal. Practice cutting off or walking away from negative or rude talk. It’s ok to say “nope, sorry!”, “what an unkind thing to say”, “I’m not really up for talking about this so I’m going to go sit on the deck”, “that won’t work for me”, or “I’m actually going to do X right now, so you’ll have to do that yourself” in a pleasant tone. I agree that part of the problem is you’ve all enabled this and quietly seethed, without actually setting any boundaries. If she gets upset, let her. You may well find that she decides on her own to stop attending. You need to accept that an outcome of this might be hurt feelings, but that’s part of navigating adult relationships.
“You have a problem with Sis B as a person, in general, not just as a guest in your home”
It seems like she just has a problem with a very rude guest…
You only really mention her vaguely being demanding and overpacking. So I don’t understand how she-just by being a overpacker-is ruining these weekends at your house. I will also echo I find your limitations on the plans way too much and catered solely to your needs- but I digress. Why hasn’t anyone just asked her why in the hell she’s bringing so much crap? You’re all friends but you can’t say anything to her? Tell her sister how you feel. Be an adult, it’s been thirty years. Don’t you think that deserves a chance at some change or at least an awareness of how you feel? You seem very inflexible and judgmental, and it seems a shame to lose a friend or even two because one of your friends is quirky and desperately wants to change into a different blouse.
Personally I would’t ask sister A if I can drop sister B. Just don’t. Perhaps if they were not related, but as they are, this puts sister A in an awful situation. But I would take the whole situation as a package. Do you feel fit enough to host a 3-day stay of 4 guests or not? If not, just move the week-end to a nearby hotel. I am sure you will be less annoyed if you are not the host, as you are stressed. Book a spa. Or let someone else host the party. Or just see the comical aspect of her idiosyncrasies, and don’t focus on it. If you can’t, I think that these week-ends at your place when you are stressed and anxious are not such a great idea right now.
Why don’t you host an intervention at one of these get-togethers to make Sis B realise that her behavior is not OK anymore? If she has changed gradually over the years (you say that she has become increasingly difficult to be around), then maybe it’s something she doesn’t even notice that much, or maybe she’s depressed and she’s taking out her bad feelings on you and her family. Before dropping a long-time friendship I would at least try to talk to her, to get a grasp on what’s really going on with her, why is she behaving this way.
If that doesn’t have any results, then you can let go of her knowing that you at least tried, and she at least had some kind of warning before.