“Parents Don’t Want me to Share a Room at My Sibling’s Destination Wedding”
I’m in my late 20s and my boyfriend is in his early 30s. We’ve been together over two years, do not live together, and aren’t engaged although we’ve looked at rings and discussed in depth marriage plans and a timeline. Although we’re footing the bill and my dad doesn’t have a say, we now feel uncomfortable going. We don’t want to cause a scene or ruin the wedding. The location is a small town that is almost already booked (not that we could afford another room). All the of rooms have one queen-sized bed and we are uncomfortable sharing a room with other family members. Advice? — Footing the Bill for My Own Room
To clarify: When you say everyone is “footing their own bill,” you mean paying for their hotel accommodations, right? That is typical of weddings that people have to travel for, even destination weddings. I ask because you mention it twice, which makes me wonder if you think it’s out of the ordinary for wedding guests to pay for their hotel accommodations, or for adult children to pay for their accommodations at family weddings that their parents are attending, or if you are simply underscoring the point that YOU are paying, not your parents, and so YOU get to have the. say in whom you share a room with. If it’s the latter point, I 100% completely agree. You are an adult, you are paying your own way, you have complete say in whether or not you and your boyfriend share a hotel room, and you have already made that decision and made the reservation. So what if it’s not the decision your dad expected? My response to that would have been, “Oh, ok, that’s odd that you didn’t expect me to share a hotel room with my boyfriend of two years but we are sharing. Period. End of discussion. And that’s exactly what I would recommend saying if he brings it up again.
Honestly, I’m not sure why you now feel uncomfortable attending your sibling’s wedding and worry about causing a scene or ruining the wedding (!). Is there more to the story than what you’ve shared here? From the details you’ve included, your dad has expressed surprise that you’re sharing a room with a significant other. Or, maybe, when he said he “expected you two to have separate rooms,” you took that as a directive? Again, I’d ignore it and continue your course, and if you’re truly worried that you’ll show up and your dad is going to, like, yell at you and cause a scene, then reach out to him before you all leave for the wedding and remind him that you are an adult, that you are paying your own way, and that you will be sharing a room with your boyfriend as intended and planned. It will then be his choice whether or not to “ruin the wedding” over this, but your living life as an adult will not be the cause of that, and you shouldn’t feel bad or uncomfortable.
I don’t know why I suddenly feel like I’m not okay with it anymore. He went to Europe in August with the guys for ten days, which I had no problem with at the time, but they still talk about their inside jokes from Europe every time we all hang out… Also, he keeps showing me pictures of Tahiti and talking about it all the time. He gets sad when I don’t watch enough of his adult softball games, or when I don’t join their season-end pizza party. He wants to get involved in skiing with his friends annually starting next year. He also brings up that he wants me to participate in more activities with his friends, like paintball and motorcycle riding, when I already spent this past fall motorcycle riding with him.
We really wanted to do the Caribbean for our honeymoon but decided on the Amalfi Coast since we are having a small destination wedding nearby. I guess I’m jealous because I’ve never been to Tahiti and have only been to another Caribbean Island once. He has already been several times (at least eight?) and we always talk about going together, but I do always worry he’s going to be annoyed having to show me places he’s already been. I used to travel alone and loved it, but now that we’re together, I couldn’t imagine going somewhere we’ve always talked about without him.
I am super encouraging of him to have guys nights regularly and weekend lake trips for boys only. We also spend a majority of summer weekends at his parents’ lake house. I’ve come to like, it but it’s not my first choice of “vacation.” These trips are usually with all of his guy friends and some of their girlfriends. When my girlfriends get together, it’s only for a few hours enjoying some wine and good conversation. And when that happens, he makes it known that he is very sad he won’t see me that night and will miss me. He got so sad and quiet when I went to dinner with my mom at a place he and I talked about going together at some point. I worry that because his dad is footing half of the bill, that will be his excuse for my not being able to do the same if I so choose. — Missing Him While He’s Away
All of these issues could be solved with, wait for it: better communication!! In your quest to be “the opposite of needy,” you sound super passive, and he sounds fairly manipulative. Why would you encourage all these vacations and guy weekends and lake house visits if you, in fact, have a problem with your fiancé traveling so much with his buddies and spending most of your summer at his parents’ home? And don’t say you don’t have a problem with it, which is what it sounds like you keep trying to tell yourself and him. You do have a problem with it! Your whole letter is about how you have a problem with it.
He goes on these long trips without you, doesn’t seem to do equally long or exciting trips with you, schedules the trips during times that are are in conflict for you (your first Thanksgiving together as a married couple, your best friend’s wedding), plans lots of weekends with his guys friends, talks constantly about inside jokes from these trips, rubs it all in your face by showing you lots of photos of places you haven’t been but would love to go, and books a majority of the summer weekends at his parents’ lake house with all his buddies. And let’s not forget how he acts like a big fucking baby when you spend two hours having dinner with your mother. You both need to grow up.
Pull up your big girl panties and say “Fuck this shit.” Ok, don’t really say that to him. But say it to yourself. Tap into your anger a little bit. Quit being a pansy about it and speak up. Tell him that it really upsets you that he totally ignored the date you gave him for your best friend’s wedding and planned a trip during it. Tell him that, in the future, he needs to double- and triple-check dates with you before committing to a trip without you. Tell him that, in the future, you want him to take fewer trips with the guys and more trips with you because you feel left out, like you aren’t as important as the guys, and, frankly, you would like to do more traveling. Tell him that you don’t want to spend the whole damn summer hanging with his friends at his parents’ lake house — that once or maybe twice is enough for you and any more than that is not your idea of fun and that you’d prefer having weekends away just the two of you, in new places you haven’t been. Tell him that for as encouraging and understanding as you are about all the time he spends with friends and/or on hobbies, you need him to be as encouraging when you spend time with your friends, and that when he acts sad about your being out with your girlfriends for a few hours, it makes you feel that he is not supportive of you, which is ironic given how supportive you are when he goes away with his friends to opposite sides of the world for ten days, sometimes even over major holidays typically spent with one’s significant other.
Will these conversations be a little awkward? Maybe! Your fiancé might even get angry. He probably doesn’t see it coming. You’ve probably given no indication you are upset by any of these things because you work so hard to seem not needy, because heaven forbid a woman have any needs. How uncool! But he’ll have to fucking deal because women do, in fact, have needs, and, no, that does not make them or you “needy.” It makes you freaking human, and if he can’t deal with his human wife-to-be having her own needs and desires and wants and opinions and preferences, he should not be marrying one. And you should not be marrying a man who does not have interest in accommodating the needs and desires and wants and preferences of his real life human wife-to-be should that be the case.
***************
Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.
LW2 Don’t get married until you have resolved all of these issues in a way that makes you both happy. It is far better to have June come and go with no wedding than to get married and be miserable and end up divorced in 2 to 5 years. Short marriages happen all of the time.
I recommend couples counseling. These issues won’t resolve themselves.
LW1 I’m assuming your dad is either religious or the extended family is religious and your dad doesn’t want to be seen condoning premarital sex. Part of being an adult is making your own decisions for yourself and living with them. If you want to share a room with your boyfriend go ahead and share a room. Your dad will have to get over his discomfort.
If you think the odds are high that he would cause a scene and hurt your siblings wedding then consider saying you can’t afford to go.
Does your dad like your boyfriend? Is he trying to keep your boyfriend from attending the wedding?
LW1: It’s hard for me to see how you sharing a room would ruin the wedding, unless your dad is some sort of unhinged person who is going to sabotage the wedding over this. If it’s just that he’s going to be displeased and potentially cold toward you (or argue with you), that’s not anywhere close to ruining a wedding. A good life lesson as an adult is that sometimes your parents (or others) won’t like your decisions, but they don’t need to because it’s not their life. I hope you learn to get to a place in life where someone else’s displeasure at your decision doesn’t make you so uncomfortable you don’t want to attend your sister’s wedding.
LW2: There are two separate issues here. One, if you truly are worried about telling people he is in Tahiti instead of the wedding, don’t be. No one will care. The only thoughts they will have over it is that they wish they were him. Two, it seems like it’s dredging up a lot of underlying issues you have with the relationship. Issues you NEED to figure out before you get married. I agree that you need to communicate more. You have all these worries about your relationship that are based on assumptions you’re making about how he feels about you, what he’s going to do in the future, and how he is going to feel in the future. Why not tell him your concerns? Chances are, his answers will reassure you. If not, then you might want to address if it’s a good idea to marry someone with whom you foresee so many future problems with. (Marriage doesn’t make them go away.)
LW2
A big part of communication is planning TOGETHER. My husband and I have a system, like I imagine most couples do. For instance: week nights from 9pm are up for grabs; weekends with family or friends (his, mine, mutual) or just fun with our daughter; a rundown of the coming week on Sunday evening; … Separate or spontaneous activities are discussed but usually agreed on immediately. Year plannings and holidays go into an Excel file and are put together for 80% at the beginning of the year. You get the picture.
Now this may not be special or perfect, and may seem boring and like we’re running a business (it sure looks that way to me as I am writing this) but we feel good about it because there’s a balance and an overview.
In your relationship, it seems like HE is the only one planning with HIS overview in his head. So like Wendy said: communicate! Tell him what’s up: that you also want to spend time with your friends and family (your mother for god’s sake) without the guilt trips. That your precious free time should not be hogged by HIS friends and HIS ideas of fun. We’re all busy here – free time should be relaxing and rewarding, not forced interaction.
Could I also add that he seems SUPER controlling? So if he doesn’t like this suggestion – I’d seriously reconsider your engagement.
LW1 you are far beyond the age where your dad has any say in how you live your life. Do not change your accommodations to appease him. Use Wendy’s script and repeat as needed. Do not miss your sibling’s wedding because you are afraid to ruin it or cause a scene. Not coming to the wedding would be a much, much greater disappointment to your sibling than any drama your dad might try to cause over your sleeping arrangements. If you stick to Wendy’s script, stay calm, and don’t engage any furthur than that, any “scene” that results will be caused exclusively by your dad. You’re not responsible for managing his emotions or his reaction. If he does something to “ruin” the wedding, he’ll be responsible for that all by himself.
LW2, WWS.
LW1: Go. To. The. Wedding. This reads as if you are looking for a reason NOT to go — which will be a decision you long regret.
LW 2: uh… NEWSFLASH! Tahiti is NOT an island in the Caribbean — but rather the South Pacific…
“LW 2: uh… NEWSFLASH! Tahiti is NOT an island in the Caribbean — but rather the South Pacific…”
Tahiti’s not in Europe!
http://youtubeonrepeat.com/watch/?v=74ocbvwam7c&from=47&to=80
Hah. Great clip. Hilarious. Apparently, few know the actual location of Tahiti!!! 😉
LW 1: WWS
LW 2: Maybe a year or so ago there was a post on here about the down-side of being the “cool girl.” DWers remember? The punch line was that the woman was not actually cool and really unhappy too. Stop trying to be the cool permissive girlfriend. You are lying to yourself and misrepresenting yourself to your fiance. I know it is not on purpose, but you are not ok with what is happening while telling him it is ok at every turn.
He has shown you who he is – a big kid who values his guy friends above all else. This may never change. I don’t know what your life goals are – career, children, home ownership – but some of these big picture things won’t be attainable as a couple if he is spending his time and money on his guy friends. His absenteeism in your relationship now could be foreshadowing absenteeism in the future. Unless you, you know, communicate honestly as Wendy suggests. Good luck.
LW1: You’re a grown up, do what you want, and deal with the consequences. The only reason I can think of why you are afraid to stand up to your dad is that maybe you are afraid he won’t pay for your wedding when you get married?
LW2: Honestly with the amount of stuff your fiance is doing without you, I’m not sure what the point of being married to this guys is. Is this one of those cases where you expect him to change once you get married? That doesn’t happen, at least without resentment. I would just be prepared for a life of sitting at home while you husband is broing out with his friends in some exotic location he should be enjoying with his wife. Get ready for the only time you get to hangout with him is when you are with his friends and family, and yours get put on the back burner. This guy doesn’t understand that you don’t have to take several guy trips, and spend multiple nights a week with the bros to still be friends. Seriously if this bothers you TALK about it now or get out!
I am not saying that it’s impossible for him to just want to have guy trips. But of the three or four men I’ve known that did significant independent leisure travel away from their significant others, all of them were cheating.
LW1 – I had a super controlling dad, too. Even into my 40s he still tried interfering in my life. Don’t let that happen to you. Are you financially independent from him? Is he likely to threaten money blackmail? I would make whatever arrangement you want and just not mention it. Sometimes parents will turn a blind eye if you’re not flaunting what you are doing. If he makes a scene that’s on him.
LW2 – Sweetheart, you need to wake up. What do you think goes on on these buddy trips? This guy is a big fat cheater. Ditch his ass asap.
LW – guess what!? You are right on time to change the relationship you have with your parents from parent/child to parent of an adult. Here’s how you do it. Ask your Dad why he expected that? Just ask it. Make him say it out loud. Then when he does say “Huh, interesting. Well nice chatting with you. ” Did you notice that you made no promise, no commitment to do something you don’t want to do?
LW2 -WWS – you love this guy. He loves you. You are both kind of manipulative though. He gets sad and pouty because you go to dinner with your mom? But he’s fine picking up and going halfway around the world for 2 weeks without you? Something’s not kosher here.
Seriously – he says he’s very sad he won’t see her when she spends a few hours with her friends, but he spends a ton of time with his guy friends, and she’s supposed to be fine with it? He definitely sounds controlling.
LW1: just let your father with his expectations. You decided otherwise. The end. You are a grown up, so don’t feel guilty or start a discussion about this. If he starts a discussion, say OK but we decided otherwise. He doesn’t pay, you are adults, he has really no say in it. He will get over it, don’t worry.
LW2: you are like a spectator in your fiance’s life… You watch his pictures!… I hope you don’t contribute to fund the Tahiti trip indirectly, by paying bills and so on. I would occupy more territory. Why wouldn’t you join for a while in the Tahiti trip, for Thanksgiving, and then go to the wedding? You are a free human being. He goes to Tahiti, nothing prevents you to go there as well, especially if you are married. This bunch of guys need to grow up and get used to the married social status.
More generally, I would focus, in the discussion, on the future, not so much on all the stuff he made in the past with his friends. Set your expectations for the after-wedding couple’s life. What do you want? Say it clearly. It will be a matter of balance and compromise.
Independence is good, as much as common trips. For me, it is important to travel by my own from time to time, and my husband does the same. But of course, we do common family trips, which are the most important and expensive. I wouldn’t go to Tahiti without my hubby… that sounds selfish.
LW1 you are an adult. Unless you plan on engaging in a heated argument, I wonder how you’d be “ruining the wedding.” You aren’t responsible for anyone’s actions but your own. You aren’t inhis earth to cater to your father and his expectations of you.
LW2 please don’t marry someone when you are obviously already miserable and playing second fiddle to his exotic life.
He also sounds abusive.
How in baby Jesus does he sound abusive? We just tossing that word around now when someone doesn’t like something? WOW!
He’s super controlling and manipulative.
Wow indeed.
Okay, on second read, he doesn’t sound abusive, but he definitely sounds like he puts himself and his buddies above all else. The pouty shit when she actually does something on her own is lame, but can be interpreted many ways. I took it as manipulative and controlling, but I can see it other ways.
Ugh I wrote a really great well written response to LW2 when the page first posted then it went away or more likely my stupid internet messed up and it was gone. Sigh. No energy to get my thoughts back in order. So basically, don’t rely on him for all your activities. It does sound like he is trying to include you in many. If you want to do a girls weekend like he does guys stuff then, ya know, plan it.
The main point was that I am so tired of hearing about people making weddings they are not the bride or groom in about them. NO ONE cares your fiance will not be there but you. It is your friends wedding and you are there to celebrate them, not show of your man and ring. Plus, men don’t tend to get all excited to go to weddings, most anyway. I would pass up just about any wedding for a trip like that.
But yes what others said, communicate. You shouldn’t be getting married if you can’t express to him that you’d like to go on trips with him. Also, you do seem to rely on him for your activities. You will come to resent each other so much if you gripe about his boys stuff and then complain to him you don’t do girls stuff. Time apart is great and frankly I always giggle because my husband will be SOOO excited to go on the guys trips then call me the next day saying he wants to come home to me. Distance does in fact make the heart grow fonder very often. Also, you both doing some of your own thing allows you to grow as individuals and a couple as you have new experiences to share and new things to talk about.
My original post was so much better but the coffee has worn off.
I wish your originally was posted…. But this is great too. My thoughts are similar here.
L.W. #2-yes talk to him. Sorry but even if you do,I would doubt things are going to work out/change. His single guy/party boy /independent travelle rpersona is who he is-in fact maybe he chose you partly because you seem so accepting of this “half-a@@ed commitment that he is offering. No flack from you on whatever he wants to do..
I think you will end up lonely in your marriage and playing second fiddle to all others. I had a marriage like this and it was not fun-especially when kids enter the picture. My husband had time for everyone but us. He would even break plans with us if a” better offer” came along. It also sounds like you do not really enjoy many of the activites,hobbies that he does. IMO you two sound incompatible and he may be emotionally unavailable. Just my take as a 60 year old who left a near 30 year marriage for similar reasons as you list here. I hope you talk and talk to him, be honest with him and yourself-this is not a great situation for marriage. And all the giving seems to one-sided-you give,he takes and then ruins your little bit of joy but pouting—NO,no and no..
LW 2, So your fiance doesn’t give a crap about your family (if he pouts when you spend ONE EVENING having dinner with your mom). His vacation time is reserved for his buddies. And he doesn’t bother to consider how any of that affects you—in fact, he doesn’t even do the ONE thing you ask of him, which is to keep his schedule clear for your BFF’s wedding.
I can’t even imagine my husband treating me so disrespectfully. I didn’t have to beg him to think of me when making vacation or travel plans, even when we were just seriously dating.
You kept your mouth shut for so long, I doubt you can change expectations now—certainly not by June. Really think about whether someone who has so little interest in what you might think or want is the best choice of life partner.
LW2, I just tried to imagine my husband pulling something like your fiancé and I couldn’t. While I joke about how clingy my husband is I couldn’t be married to someone like your fiancé. My husband wrapped up work to try and get home when he learned my later meeting was cancelled so we could spend time together last night. He doesn’t like to be apart because he likes to share experiences like vacation for the most part. I’ve done a few ladies weekends and he’s gone with some of his best friends but nothing like international jetsetting.
That’s a big part of being an adult that it took my friends to realize… that people don’t always have time for things like these large group trips because of various factors. And even more that people are fine with that because the factors are usually a career they’re invested in, family time, prioritizing futures with spouse financially, etc. I don’t think you should be okay with what he is doing. He wants his life to be the center of the two of yours and he’s not showing investment in your friends or family. What has he done to show interest in your hobbies since he expects you to pair on his?
Also, don’t let him make this about you not liking his friends. It’s not. Don’t marry this man unless something drastic changes and stays changed for an extended period of time.
LW2, of course you need to talk with him about your concerns, but I have a feeling that your conversation may not go well. If he pouts after you spend only a few hours with your family, he probably will not take it well when you express your anger and sadness at his selfish behavior. He may get very angry or pout when you express sadness that not only is he going on a fabulous trip without you, he is leaving you alone during Thanksgiving and for your BFF’s wedding. I suspect that you have put off this conversation for a long time because you are afraid of his reaction. You are afraid with good reason that he will get angry or punish you for a long time by sulking. I know that this conversation will be very difficult for you, but it is essential that you do this before you are married. If he does not respond well, you should consider postponing or canceling the wedding. Dealing with the drama and financial loss of a cancelled wedding is difficult, but less difficult than signing up for a lifetime of misery.
Yeah. Smelling “narcissist” all over this one.
It’s kinda negative but I really second this opinion… Good luck LW2 and keep us posted!
LW 1:
I grew up with parents like this. The first time I took a vacation with my BF (who is now my husband), my dad asked if we would be sharing a hotel room (with a strong tone of disapproval in his voice).
My response was a flat “That’s none of your business.”
We were both silent for a second. I let the moment hang there, then I continued the conversation as if it had never happened.
My parents can be pushy and controlling, so I was shocked that this worked. My dad never said another word about it, even when I moved in with my husband before we were married.
My point is: You are an adult. This is 100% YOUR decision. Your dad does not get a say. At all. Ever.
You do not need to convince him that it’s okay for you and your BF to share a room. You don’t have to fight with him about it. You don’t have to really discuss it at all.
All you have to do is tell him: this is my choice and that’s final.
It’s tough, I know. I’ve been there. But you need to do it, both for him and for yourself. You will feel more confident, more empowered, when you stand up for your needs and your decisions. Good luck!
LW2 – If you’re getting married in June of 2018 (?), you are down to the wire on this one. You are marrying a big kid, that has little regard for your needs or happiness. His number 1 priority is his friends. His # 2 priority is partying with said friends in expensive, exotic locations. I’d say you fit somewhere at #3 or #4. There is an old saying – people don’t take advantage of you unless you let them. Well – you let him. You two need to get into couples counseling BEFORE you say “I-do.” You are committing to marry a self-centered child that has no regard for your feelings. The fact that he actually pouted when you went to dinner with your mom is the biggest RED FLAG I can imagine. This will not turn out well. You’ve established precedent regarding the ground rules of your relationship. The ground rules are: you are needy and willing to put up with anything (to keep ‘the man’) and – he is controlling and manipulative and likes the arrangement. What guy would’nt? At somepoint – I’d give it two years – this is NOT going to work. Please use protection and take the pill.
Everyones attacking LW2 fiance but they way I read this it sounds like LW2 shows a lack of interest in fiance(IN GENERAL) . LW2 you sound passive aggressive. I don’t think your fiance is rubbing anything in your face. Most people (in American) take one vacation a year. It sounds like you have the luxury of going whenever. I understand his family’s lake house is not your first choice but at least you have that choice. It sounds to me like he is trying to include you in his group of friends. He also sounds like an extrovert-very social outgoing person. Why do you assume he would be annoyed to show you previous places he has visted on trips? I think he would be more than excited too. Thats great you allow him guy time…. That’s very important. My husband has his hobbies and time with his friends too. But it is important to have hubby and wifey time too. And also important for you to have girl time. You need to better commicate your wants and needs with your fiance. When your hubby does call and tell you he misses you, even if its been one night, than that means he misses you…..nothing more. Its completely natural for someone who loves you to miss you. That does not mean he is controlling or manipulative. If you want him at your friends wedding than tell him. Tell him that him gone for 2 weeks is too long for you and that you want more time with him and more time doing life with him. Tell him he can go on his trip for 5days not 10days. There is nothing wrong with group of friends doing annual trips of whatever. I suggest you start going on these trips and making your presence known. As for everyone belittling her fiance…… He is a man not a mind reader. He lives a life of luxury (unlike me) and appears to enjoy traveling and being activie. That does not make this person a bad person, a man “child”, immature jerk, self centered, or whatever other names that have been thrown at him on the forum. And shame on the person who suggested he probably is cheating (you are a pot stirer) this relationship lacks commication and this issue needs to be address asap before the I Dos.
The Tahiti guy could be gay. That was the case with a friend’s husband who liked to take those trips with the guys. He was in a prominent profession, so he wanted to have his picture-perfect wife (whom he verbally abused when she gained weight within the normal range), but also enjoy condomless sex with men on the side. She finally left him.
I’m not saying never to marry the guy, but if he is the one, he’s not yet ready.
I feel the second girl. My boyfriend has gone alone on some vacations without me. We’ve been together for years and he’ll go for like five weeks. He’s been to Abu Dhabi and he’s in India now. It really sucks that I’m not invited. During certain holidays he’ll go spend some weekends at a retreat his parents own and four years I’ve never met them. It hurts.