Quickies: “My Boyfriend Didn’t Kiss Me At Midnight on New Year’s Eve!”
When I asked him if we could please do that next year, he got really hurt and didn’t even want to look at me or face me. He said he was sad he disappointed me, but then I got even more upset because I just wanted to let it go and go to bed. He kept saying he wanted everything to be perfect, which still confuses me. The whole night was honestly like he went on autopilot as he did the same exact stuff he does every year with his parents and just wanted to include me without checking if I even liked any of it. It wasn’t bad, but it was still lackluster and impersonal.
I think in the future if I want something like this, I just need to plan stuff. Is that too insulting? If not, how can I get him to understand going on autopilot isn’t going to work for me? — OverAutopilot
It doesn’t help that you’re sending mixed messages. On one hand, you told your boyfriend that it’s doesn’t really matter what you do for NYE as long as you’re together and as long as you kiss at midnight, and then, on the other hand, you’re upset that the evening was lackluster and impersonal. I mean, sure, you can fault him for not listening to you about the second point — although could you not just kiss him? Was he not with you at midnight? I don’t really get it — but he did meet your first criteria which was to spend time together. YOU were the one who told him that was one of only two things that mattered. If you wanted something special, you should have expressed that. You should have actively helped plan a special night. Honestly, if you’re taking a passive role in this relationship and letting him do the planning for things that are important to you, it doesn’t sound like he’s the only one who’s “going on autopilot.”
If you want him to understand that autopilot doesn’t work for you, start with the words you say (“I want something special”) and continue with the actions you take (help plan something special).
Yeah, you should not. Aim higher than some kid who wants you to give him oral sex in a car or behind a shrub or in the break room or wherever he has in mind three times a week. You’re a 50-year-old woman; it’s time to cultivate some self-respect. The draw of a much younger man is kind of defeated when the best thing he can promise you is that the sex will be quick!
And if a hotel is your preference, I’m assuming at least one of you is in a relationship (you?) and the other (him?) is either also in a relationship or lives with Mom and Dad. If I’m right, and you’re in a relationship, and it’s not an open relationship, make a New Year’s resolution right now to fix your relationship or get out instead of cheating with someone half your (or any age, really).
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.
LW let me help you now in understanding that having some fantasy of holiday celebrations will do nothing but leave you let down, every single time. I too and with Wendy in wondering why you didn’t kiss him. What was going on, were you not together? What matters is that someone you love kisses you regularly, not at midnight on the dot.
His parents film the whole thing and it was just SUPER uncomfortable. They are super conservative on stuff like that too. I should have mentioned that. Also fancy is NOT at all what I was trying to say I wanted. I more meant that he acted like he planned all this stuff out and took his time but his parents planned everything and I was just very very confused as to why he was acting like he worked really hard to make plans when he didn’t. I’m more than happy to plan things but when I brought up planning things together and talked to him about it that upset him too.
Yeah, me three. Why didn’t YOU kiss him? I was left rather confused about that as well.
I didn’t give better context and that’s my fault and I’m sorry for everyone for that. His parents film the whole thing and have this tradition where at midnight they jingle coins in their pockets right at midnight. They were really excited for me to do it with them. That’s why I felt like I couldn’t because I didn’t want to piss them off and then have it on film.
Did you know about this before the party? That his parents are conservative (which sounds to me like they’d frown upon you two kissing in front of them, especially if you’re young) and that they jingle coins in their pockets AT midnight? If so…. what did you really expect?
Sidenote: I know ppl have their traditions, and I’m sure the coin jingling thing is supposed to bring prosperity or something, but that is so hilariously weird to me. Reminds me of my first boyfriend’s family… I should have run the first time his parents tried to get me into collecting. Among other things, his mother has VAST rotating, seasonal collection of snowglobes. She’s also a 65 year old woman with so many stuffed animals on the bed that you can’t see the surface. I was never gonna meld with those ppl!
He invited you to his family celebration, and instead of treating it as a chance to get to know his family and their traditions, you were mad because his family didn’t change their celebration according to your wishes?
Why shouldn’t they do the things they do every year if they are traditions that are important to them? Also you said you didn’t care what you did– maybe he was trying to broach the subject of “my parents are weird about New Years” and you’re like “oh its fine we can do whatever” so he figured you meant it? How dare he?
As for the kissing thing, the fact that you made it explicit makes me think that his parents being overly conservative causes other problems in your relationship, which is the larger conversation you should have. If he’s not comfortable kissing you in front of his parents then he should have told you that outright, but also if you generally know that then it seems an unreasonable request to make of New Years Eve if you know you’re spending it with his parents.
LW2, if what you’re into is extremely unsatisfying sex with someone who will then never call again because you’ve fulfilled his MILF fantasy, then yeah, do it…
So, where you not together at midnight? Did he not kiss you? What was he doing instead. Where you somewhere where there was a countdown and it was super obvious, or where you guys just like hanging out, and suddenly someone was like oh snap! It’s 12:05, we missed it! NEED CONTEXT.
LW2 – I dunno, if all she’s looking for is something casual, and you have some hot 26 year old; you’re both adults and you’re both into it, you go get yours lady.
But also as a fully adult sexually independent woman, if you want this tryst in a hotel, reserve a room, tell him where to meet you, and you tell him exactly what you need and don’t let him get out of his end of things.
Although if either of you are married or in exclusive relationships than don’t.
But if you’re both free, and you’re into it, be upfront about your expectations (i.e. we’re going to be somewhere private with a bed and you’re going to be doing some reciprocating) and you do you.
Ya for sure get yours too. I mean, a man wants a blowjob three times a week? SHOCKING! SHOCKING i tell you! But I don’t know why you’d need to get a hotel unless you are cheating, which frankly, kind of sounds like you are.
I would skip it with this guy. This is not going anywhere good when you’ve got a guy asking for a bj thrice weekly and he won’t pony up for a hotel. Clearly he has NO intention of making sure she’s happy. Like literally there is no way this will be some kind of mutually satisfying tryst. Sure, if you’re a 50 year old single woman and a 26 year old guy wants to have sex with you, go for it if it’s looking like good sex… but this in no way looks like a good idea.
IDK, I can see getting a hotel for a hookup that you like, but don’t know that well, and don’t really trust. Like, sure, let’s do it, but you’re not going to know where I live or anything. Which, tbh, is a whole other issue.
I say no. If you are that concerned with someone knowing where you live you should be more concerned with their penis. No way LW is single.
I mean, hotel aside, he’s talking about a quicky and a blow job, and she doesn’t want a quicky. So no.
@JD, sure, you should be, but some people aren’t, and LW2 might be one of them.
@Kate, yeah, I agree. He’s got a better chance of living out his fantasy, seeing as his fantasy is so blandly generic it could basically be the ill-written cover copy of a third rate porno, so if that’s not what she’s into, she should totally skip trying to turn this into her fantasy; it’s not going to happen.
I mean, assuming they are single (which I acknowledge is a big if), then I don’t see the harm in telling this woman – hey if you want to do this go for it, but make sure it’s on your terms.
I don’t think we should be telling her she’s 50 years old and she needs to cultivate self-respect if she entertains the idea.
If she’s single, and she finds him attractive, go for it AS LONG as you tell him how it’s going to be.
If she were in love with him and wanted a relationship, I would be like, woman, come on now. But doesn’t sound like that’s what she’s after.
I know, Ele4phant, but like you can already tell he’s just going to be about his quick bj and not about pleasing her. She can say how she wants it to be, but the chances are SO high that he’s going to be a bad partner, it’s not worth bothering imo.
She did say she has a crush on him and clearly wants some romantic type hotel encounter. I think she does want more.
You’ll never know unless you try. And if she doesn’t have any other relationships and no one is cheating, why not confirm? Just because he wants it three times doesn’t mean she has to commit to that.
Get that hotel room, tell him what you want, see how it goes.
Unless you’re with someone or he’s with someone or you both have relationships.
LW1. This is probably one of the most riduclous things to become upset over. Almost to the point that you might be too immature for a relationship or you have a very cloudy perception of what a relationship is. If I was in a relationship with someone who became upset over something like this I would considering dumping them. Men ARE NOT MIND READERS. If you wanted a kiss from him at midnight then go up to his ass and kiss him.
I know men aren’t mind readers. That’s why I told him what I wanted, when I knew I had his full attention. That’s why I normally plan almost every date. I got upset because I don’t appreciate being ignored and not listened to. If what I’m asking for is stupid, tell me. I genuinely don’t mind being told what I want is dumb.
LW2 so two adults want to tango with each difference expectation of sexual desires. You want to meet at a hotel and he wants an in and out quickie. It sounds like you got some fantasy or unrealistic Idea brewing. Unless you dislike giving blowjobs I dont see the big deal in that and 3 times a week is decent unless you were expecting more or less. I wonder if you have sat down and thought about the cost factor of getting a hotel room 3x a week. Say the average room is $60-$100 weekly $180-$300 monthly $720-$1200….. For a quickie. Yikes!!!! If you like the younger guys you might want to find one more suitable to your needs.
LW 1, your boyfriend didn’t get that it was actually important to you to kiss at midnight. If he continues to not take you seriously, you have some thinking to do.
LW 2, I cannot see what you would find enticing about the idea of giving someone a fast bj in the parking lot behind Walmart three times a week. I truly don’t get it.
Thank you for being so supportive and kind. I really appreciate that you got what I was ACTUALLY upset about. As I said in my original question it’s not about the cliche, it’s about not being listened to. Hell if I when I had brought it up he had said “you know what I don’t want the pressure to partake in a stupid cliche, can we just have a nice night?” I would have been more than happy. I don’t get hung up on dumb cliches, I get upset when I tell someone something and they act like I never said anything. You got that. Thank you.
A kiss at midnight? God do the fucking dimwitted cliches ever end. At least go for a fuck or something actually interesting.
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LW — go bang the hot guy. But be realistic about your expectactions. Nobody ever marries Mrs Robinson.
I agree it is a stupid cliche and I already felt reay stupid for wanting to do it. Also sex totally would have been preferable to the situation I was actually in.
My husband doesn’t kiss me when I think he should, New Years eve at midnight, before he goes to work, etc. So I grab him and kiss him, then I don’t have to cry about not being kissed. His choice about when to kiss me has nothing to do with how much he loves me, maybe with his coolness and suaveness but him not being in tune with mainstream society has no effect on his love for me. However my choice to not to grab and kiss him at the social times I want to be kissed makes me not being kissed my fault.
I’m not crying about it. I just told him it wasn’t what I had imagined and I knew it was stupid to be upset. I even offered to plan or co-plan the next year and he wasn’t happy with that. Yes it was my decision to not be filmed skipping his family’s traditions. (They do this thing where at midnight they jingle coins in their pockets and wanted me to partake). I take the blame entirely for that.
LW1: It would be helpful to know how old you are and how long you’ve been dating. By the time you reach your late 20s (assuming you’re younger), you may likely hate NYE. Regardless, yes, if you have specific things you want to do, then you need to actively plan them. You can’t just assume he will know that you think his normal plans are boring. But you still need to include him in the planning.
Also, why didn’t you kiss? Were you not in the same room? I mean, why couldn’t you just make sure you were near him and then kiss him? I don’t really understand why kissing at midnight was something that wasn’t able to happen or why you needed to make plans for it beforehand.
I think you both have room to become more mature in relationships. His reaction because things weren’t perfect is kind of silly, and your disappointment over the evening not magically becoming what you wanted with zero effort from you is also a little odd.
LW2: I don’t really understand the question. Where does he want to hook up if not in a hotel? If you don’t want to, then don’t. Pretty simple.
I’m actually in my late 20’s. I definitely didn’t explain the situation well I’ll admit. Being filmed by his parents was not what I expected at all and it made me super uncomfortable. And yes my boyfriend knows that would make me uncomfortable. Also I probably should have mentioned I did specifically sit down with him and tell him what I wanted. I’m also usually the one who plans literally every date. So I was kind of hoping to get a night off.
I’m guessing OverAutopilot probably couldn’t kiss her boyfriend because they were with his family and it was awkward. I’d feel awkward too. I don’t initiate kissing my boyfriend in front of his parents, it’s just uncomfortable for some people depends on the situation. It sounds like a miscommunication to me.
Ok so clearly there’s confusion about the question I asked and I’m VERY sorry about that. I don’t know what came over me that is not the norm. I definitely should have provided more context. 1. I am VERY VERY aware he isn’t able to read my mind which is why I sat down and talked to him about what I wanted prior 2. I already plan pretty much every single date we have so I was happy to get a night where it wasn’t on me again because it’s tiring sometimes. 3. The reason I didn’t just kiss him is because his very conservative family was filming everything and they have certain traditions they were excited for me to take part in right at midnight I was not aware existed even though I did ask him what they do, prior to me coming over. At midnight his family all jingles coins in their pockets and a couple of other things. So yes I could have just granbed him and kissed him but then I basically would have been saying “screw you” to his family which I wasn’t willing to do. He always wasn’t thrilled I wasn’t really excited about their traditions. 5. I don’t want anything fancy (although I see how the way I worded it would come across as such and I apologize for that) I don’t want special plans I’m confused why someone would say they tried to make everything perfect (which I have told him multiple times I’m not expecting from him and is impossible) when they just went along with someone else’s plans. 6. I told him I knew it was stupid I was upset and wanted to let it go 7. I did talk to him about me planning or co-planning something and he just got upset. 8. I’m 28, I started dating at 15.
So, it still sounds like you weren’t communicating with him very well.
All you told him was that you wanted to be together, and that you wanted to kiss him. Otherwise it was up to him to plan. But in reality, you did want him to plan *something* – something you would like, something like what you might come up with – you just didn’t want to be the one putting in the effort to plan, for once.
You gave him free reign to plan what he wants, and he chose to take you to his family’s and celebrate their traditions. He was excited about sharing that with you, but turns out that’s not the kind of evening you wanted (right?) and you weren’t really into it. And sounds like he was hurt about that? And you were hurt because you wanted him to plan an evening more in line with what you would’ve plan (but you never explicitly said that).
So, I can see if you were both pretty pissy and disappointed with one another come midnight, AND the family is right there with the camera, neither of you leaned in for the kiss. He maybe was waiting on you, you were both irritated and honestly neither really feeling that kissy.
I dunno, kind of sounds like you guys aren’t super compatible, and neither of you is a great communicator.
I think this relationship is salvageable if you’re really excited about him, but it’s going to require better communication from both of you, and you maybe making some concessions. Like, you’re just always going to be the planner if you want to ensure you guys end up doing something you find enjoyable, that’s just not his deal.
I guess the question to you is it worth it? You haven’t been dating that long, and it seems like kind of a lot of work to get this relationship in a good place . I dunno that I would, you may not be compatible enough to make it worth it, if it were me.
I think I might know what you mean; a lot of people get like that with their families: they express this huge desire to have you fit in, but then they get with their families and they just kind of fall into old roles and make it hard for you to find your place. Am I getting it?
If *that* is the problem, that’s what you need to express. I know my sister and her boyfriend had some issues around the same thing; we thought he was acting like a brat around us, but she wasn’t helping him fit in *at all,* and just kind of expected him to already know all of the options and what was going on. Once she started talking him through things beforehand, he was able to make more choices and feel like a part of the proceedings, and they were able to plan for things that maybe they did without us, even at a big family gathering.
Basically, communication! But I think he’s got a lot more communicating to do, too; if you’re going to his turf, it’s his job to properly prepare you for what’s coming.
LW1, why didn’t you just go over and kiss him at midnight? Do something different each year…some years have a low key new years eve with family and some years why don’t you plan an evening out for the two of you. YOU plan it since you have an opinion on how it should go. Stop being passive and blaming your boyfriend.
Because I would have been disrespecting their family traditions (on film) and was uncomfortable being filmed, which he knows. And I did try to offer that for next year and he got upset. I usually plan everything.
Kissing someone on NYE is not disrespecting anything. You are way too obsessed with this. You are WAY too old to be throwing a fit over something this silly.
PREACH @JD.
Also above everything I was upset he didn’t listen to me, I don’t want some stupid magical fairytale crap. But if something I ask for is dumb or doesn’t work with your family’s traditions tell me. Don’t tell me we’re going to do something and then not do it because you weren’t paying attention to me when we were in a room alone, with no distractions.
I understand the kiss was very important to you, and you are hurt that you expressed that and it didn’t happen.
But it also sounds like him sharing his family traditions were important to him, and he felt hurt that you came off dismissive of them. I mean, he took you to celebrate what appears to be an important holiday with his family, that’s a big deal! And if you were dismissive of it, yeah, I can see how he maybe didn’t feel like kissing you at midnight. Or assumed you’d take the lead on it.
You guys both kind of failed here.
For what it’s worth, my husband and I did not kiss at midnight. He was asleep, on the couch.
Us either. The last 3 years we have used Netflix to do a count down at like 930, put the kids to bed and then we’ve been asleep by 11. He’ll be the first person I kiss this year anyway. I figure that’s the point right?
I don’t know that I’d have done it with his family watching and filming, but it would have been fine if you had. I don’t think it’s really his fault that you didn’t though. You should have probably stepped aside after but then it wouldn’t have been right at midnight. Honestly my husband and I have been together since we were 15 (16 years now AHHHH!) and I don’t think I’ve kissed him at exactly midnight except maybe once or twice. Not that I don’t want to, it just doesn’t work out a lot of times. I think that’s really more what happened then him totally disregarding what you said. If it’s that important to you, you probably need to do NYE alone so you won’t have any interference.
LW1 You’ve learned that his family celebrates the new year in a totally different way than you imagined. It would have been nice if he had told you that he couldn’t kiss you at midnight because his family jingles coins in their pockets at midnight. You were looking for romance and his family was celebrating good luck in the new year. (I did a Google search because I had never heard of this tradition) You need to tell him that in the future if you are asking for something that won’t work because they have a different celebration he needs to let you know at the time you ask.
How much do you like your boyfriend? There is nothing positive in your letter although I realize you were angry when you wrote it. Maybe this relationship has reached it’s end? The two of you haven’t communicated very well and that can be hard to make work. It takes two to communicate and it seems your boyfriend didn’t tell you what would be happening and how what you wanted wouldn’t work with his own family’s tradition. If you can’t get him to let you know when things won’t work and to let you in on what will be happening I don’t think the two of you will last. I’d start by saying you need to tell me when things can’t happen the way I’ve asked so that I’m not disappointed. You should have explained your tradition. If he leaves you expecting one thing when he knows something else will be happening the two of you won’t work.
Eh I don’t think it’s a communication issue I think it’s making a mountain out of a mole hill. This is so not a big deal. Good lord.
I dunno JD, I think the fact that she is making it a big deal is a sign that this relationship isn’t working for her. If this was a tiny blip and this relationship was otherwise solid then you’re right it wouldn’t be a big deal. However i don’t think this relationship is solid and LW feels taken for granted and not listened to . Signs she should MOA.
What makes it not a communication issue? She told him what she would like and he didn’t tell her that it would be difficult for it to happen. He needed to tell her what to expect. Then they could have kissed at some other time or had a more romantic date the day before or the day after. When you leave someone expecting something that won’t happen you haven’t communicated.
Because she did communicate and things just didn’t pan out that way due to other activities. That’s how life happens some times. Just because you tell someone you want something doesn’t mean it can happen. You don’t stomp your feet and expect everything exactly your way. She seems like way too much work to me. I do think there are other issues in their relationship but I feel most stem with her drama.
He knew things probably wouldn’t pan out and didn’t bother to warn her. He knew that they would be shaking coins in their pockets. That’s one thing he knew beyond a doubt. Telling her would have saved them both the angst of her being upset. That’s why it is important to talk.
Yeah I agree with Skyblossom. How hard would it be to say “Actually my family does x at midnight, can I kiss you right after?” This is normal flow of conversation. It’s not hard. He’s not a monster for NOT saying that, but it’s just odd that he didn’t. It means he didn’t take her seriously, which might not be a big deal, but it bothered LW enough that it indicates there’s something more going on here, like incompatibility.
W1 The ironic thing is that you were looking for an emotional connection and they were providing you with a family connection. It sounds like they were treating you like a member of the family. That’s a big step in any relationship. They were enthusiastically sharing their tradition with you.
While you were watching your boyfriend and thinking he was on autopilot he was probably watching you and seeing that you didn’t like his family’s tradition. That would make anyone just go through the motions and hope the evening would soon be done.
This reminds me of something I learned years ago in an anthropology class. It isn’t things that are very different that cause problems when cultures meet. It’s when something seems familiar that there are problems. Everyone goes in with assumptions about what will happen and who will do what but the expectations on both sides are different and so both sides are let down. New Year’s Eve sounds like something you know and something they know. You both have a certain expectation about what will happen and then you were surprised and disappointed when something else happened. This is very common when you have different cultural traditions over things that have one name like New Year’s Eve or a birthday party or a wedding. You will come in with a different expectation than his family will have.
You need to tell your boyfriend that you would like to know his family traditions ahead of time so that you know what to expect. If he had just said that he didn’t think a kiss at midnight would work and then told you what they would be doing you wouldn’t have been so disappointed.
Also, why couldn’t they have jingled and then had a quick peck? I imagine he could already tell how uncomfortable she was (being filmed, etc.) and tensions were already tight between them. Otherwise i don’t see why they couldn’t have done both things.
They could have. If he had even whispered that he wanted to kiss her but was waiting until they weren’t filming because he wanted it to be between just the two of them and then followed up with a kiss as soon as possible I think they would have been fine.
“LW, when they put that camera away I’m going to sneak you into the hallway and give you that New Year’s kiss I promised.”
or “I can’t wait to get you alone for that kiss.”
I was thinking the same thing but I’m guessing that everyone seemed kind of pissed off by that point and wasn’t really feeling a kiss. It’s the only explanation I can think of.
This seems only sort of a communication issue. The big issue is that communication doesn’t work, because LW’s bf is a wimp: he is unable to stand up verbally to either LW or his parents and explain that there is a bit of a conflict in what they want, or say what he wants. This is part and parcel of him never planning dates and just drifting along with what family or LW want to do. Getting caught between their competing wants throws him into timidity brainlock and he just pretends the problem doesn’t exist.
All cultures and families within the same culture have different customs and ways of looking at things and behaving. Virtually all couples have to negotiate their way through these differences and decide as a couple (especially when fully-grown adults) what they as a couple can accept and do. That is where communication is vital: partner to partner and then with each set of relatives. We had a problem with this early in marriage. Family ‘tradition’ can be difficult to dilute or walk away from. Parents and grandparents crave holiday traditions being followed exactly. It really isn’t workable.
Good grief people are being harsh on LW1! They had a miscommunication. The boyfriend failed to explain the families…unique…NYE tradition. I’d hesitate to share that too. I think LW had a right to be a little upset.
I have to ask…after recording this, does the family actually go back and watch themselves ring in the new year?