Quickies: “He Took Me To Australia and Didn’t Propose!”
Tell him if he really wants to be nice he’ll save you both the drama and just MOA (move out already). Prolonged breakups aren’t fun for anyone. And, obviously, if the guy had an engagement ring for over a year and still didn’t propose, he is doing the right thing by letting you go since your relationship is going nowhere.
If you’re making huge life decisions that will affect not just you but your young son with the intention of proving something to your parents, you’re doing it wrong. Something tells me you need your parents’ help and support more than you’d like to admit and until you’re ready to make decisions for yourself, regardless what your parents’ reaction will be, I’d stay put and let your parents continue supporting you.
It’s possible that I would suck it up and accept the kind invitation in the interest of family unity, but the trip isn’t really something I would enjoy under the best of circumstances. I could realistically get the time off work, but I would prefer to save my time off for something I actually want to do (or need to do, such as genuine family obligations).
I mostly want to know how to say no without making things worse, but if you think I ought to go on the trip, my ears are open. — Strings attached?
One of the best lessons I’ve learned in life is that less is more, and that is especially true when saying no. The less you say about your reason for saying no, the better. I’ve found that for most invitations I can’t or don’t want to take, this is enough: “Thank you so much for your invitation. Unfortunately, I won’t be able to make it this time, but I appreciate you thinking of me and hope you have a great time.” If the person asks why, you can always think of an excuse then — “I already made other plans,” “I can’t get the time off work,” “I really hate you,” but there’s no reason to stress out about it.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
“I really hate you,”
🙂
I feel kind of bad for LW1. Like that’s a really shitty situation to be in 🙁
Yeah, I feel a little bad but who says “should I allow him to be nice?” How do you control how another person acts…
I agree. Like why would she want him to be mean while he’s moving out? He probably realizes that this is shitty so he’s trying to at least be amicable to make it easier. I mean he probably did want to propose to her, but because of there recent arguements and not getting along I guess he changed his mind.
I always think it’s interesting when people imply the moving out process takes like forever. I get that when you have shared belongings there is some sorting to do…but in my mind it would take a day or two, maybe a week tops.
I have a friend who found out his girlfriend was cheating on him with a married man. He called his friends and moved out in like 3 hours while she wasn’t home and texted her “I moved out don’t contact me again”. So yeh, it doesn’t take that long.
My mom moved my aunt and my cousin out of their house in an afternoon while my uncle was at work. And they moved in with my parents for a short time while the apartment they were moving to opened up. There are plenty of options.
Moving out can take up to a month to get on a lease. I know in my area, there’s very few apts available without notice and things are very slow in the winter so summer’s like a rental flurry.
Sure to get out of the lease and signing a new one, of course that can take time…but I do not understand spending the night in the same place after you break up. Go stay at a friends, family, a hotel.
If it was an amicable breakup, I could tolerate a week or two with the ex sleeping on the sofa. If it was not amicable or there was cheating, I would change the locks if the ex wasn’t out within 24 hours. Although it was not explicitly stated by LW1, I interpreted the breakup as amicable.
I lived with my exbf for about a month and a half after we “broke up.” We knew the relationship had to end because we weren’t right for each other for the long haul and marriage and kids, etc. (and that was the kind of future we both wanted) and we weren’t getting younger, so we knew we had to pull the cord, but we still liked and loved each other and kind of dragged it out (sleeping in the same bed, and all that meant). Plus, he had to wait for a tenant to vacate an apartment of his so he could move into it. Eventually I told him to call the movers and set a move out date, and he did that, and moved out 2 weeks later. So it can see why it can take a while, if it’s amicable and you still love each other but don’t see a future together.
Yes, but this doesn’t seem all that amicable. She still wants to marry and he wanted to move on.
Oh, I was just saying in response to GG.
6, I totally see it in an amicable situation. But I guess I still don’t *get* an amicable break up. Like if everything is so fine and dandy…why break up? Maybe it’s because I’ve never had a breakup anywhere close to amicable? haha.
Haha. I was actually trying to figure out the same thing. I guess it would be like if two people decided that they don’t have a future because one wants kids and the other doesn’t or some other lifestyle-type thing. Where you wish you could stay together, but it doesn’t make sense?
Well if you breakup in NYC the process can be painfully drawn out. While I moved out of the apt I shared w my ex in a matter of days and went to stay with w friend (in the burbs, which made my life VERY complicated), I wasn’t completely out for four months.
This about sums up the fun reality of what NYC couples tend to face:
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LW1 : That sucks, but all you can do is listen to him when he says he’s not ready. I don’t know what you mean by “allowing” him to be nice to you. You don’t have control over him. If you did, I assume you would be engaged by now, right?
LW2 : Honestly, Wendy’s right. You sound too immature to be living on your own with your son. It should be a no-brainer that you’re allowed to do what you want because you’re an adult, but since that isn’t abundantly clear to you, I don’t think you have very much practice at responsibility. In that case, stay at home and work on becoming a “grown up” from the safety of their house.
LW3 : Just lie and say you can’t take time off work. Say you have a specific obligation at work that week (ie: presentation, your numbers are due for the quarter, a training, you’re starting a new project, etc).
LW2: If you want to make this work with your ex-fiance, it seems like it would be wiser to take things slowly. You broke it off for a reason, and it’s entirely possible that a week into living with him again, you will vividly recall what that reason is. There’s no reason to put the maximum amount of pressure on the relationship in the first few days it’s rekindled.
It’s more stable for all 3 of you (you, your ex-fiance, your son) to take things slowly. Also, don’t burn bridges with your parents. They may drive you nuts, but they’re an important part of your life and of your son’s life. There is absolutely no need to hurt them when they’ve done their best to support you in the way that they know (even if you don’t agree with all of it).
Regarding Letter 3, Wendy is right. A simple “thanks, but no thanks” can really be applied to so many things. People make WAY too big a deal out of rejecting invitations. It’s really not that hard.
Thanks but no thanks didn’t work for me this week when the wife of an relative contacted me after over 20 years wanting to keep in touch now. It devolved into her having a hissy fit and calling me bitter because I wished her well but told her no thanks. Some people just have their own agendas. If she wants a relationship with these people in the future then politely decline and blame work.
I have had the same issue. My paternal aunt loves to randomly contact me and guilt trip me for not associating with my biological father. She tries to get my contact information (she has my e-mail address only), but I refuse because every time I have given her any information in the past, she has passed it on to my bio-f immediately and then I get unwanted calls from him as well.
I was actually guilt-tripped for not coming to the funeral of my paternal grandfather, who died a few weeks after my maternal grandfather, a week after I had my second neck surgery in (2 in 2 weeks), and with three kids to take care of by myself.
Blame work and leave it at that!
LW1 – It would seem reasonable for him to take a week to organize a move. If he doesn’t plan on moving out for several months, WWS, ask him to move out sooner. The sooner your relationship ends, the sooner you can move on. So what’s the problem with him being nice until he moves out?
LW2 – I would suggest that you should get yourself into a position that you can independently support yourself and your child, and not have to rely on your parents or your boyfriend for financial support. That way you have the power to control your life, and make the best decisions for both you and your child. If it is going to take a while to get your self into a position financial independence, I would continue living with the parents.
LW3 – Graciously decline. No big deal.
LW1: Why would you want to marry someone with whom you’ve been having lots of arguments with and has decided to move out? Especially after he made a 360 turn on marriage after taking you around the world to meet his family? Let him move out with as little drama from you as possible and let yourself MOA.
LW2: Why are you still acting like a child? If you want to get back together with your fiance, then do it, and work on making that relationship as healthy as possible. And before you rush off and marry said fiance, work on making yourself independent and self sufficient first. That means doing everything you can to be on your own for a time, building a solid and stable relationship with your child, then work on a possible second walk down the aisle. You and your child should be your main priority, not sneaking around with your on again/off again fiance.
LW3: WWS. No need to go into details with your uncle, or anyone else. “Just stick to the basics: Would simply love to, but simply can’t go. Sorry, but thanks for the invitation.”
WTS
I think people are misunderstanding what LW1 means when she says she is “allowing” him to be nice to her. She loved him and wanted to marry him and thought she was going to, and that he was going to propose (which he clearly was!) and then he changed his mind and is all like i don’t know what I want, let’s have some space, I should move out, etc. And she’s probably f’ing pissed about it when she lets herself think about it. So he broke her heart (which was totally his right and I didn’t say was crappy, it just hurts for her) and now he’s walking around being nice and pretending like everything is ok and it’s mutual and that “these things just happen.” So she probably feels that by pretending everything is the same as it was until he actually moves out, she’s “letting him” get away with hurting her scot free, by not having do deal with her being mad, angry, etc. So she’s not asking if she should “let him” be nice (as if she can control that), but if she should “Act” equally nice and pretend she isn’t hurt, sad, angry at him for “wasting her time” (which he inadvertently did, doesn’tmake it his fault, but I’d be pissed too) “leading her on” (even though he didn’t, because it was legit feelings at the time, but now it feels that way to her), and breaking her heart. She’s asking for advice/permission to unplug her anger and her frustration or if, in the interest of civility, she should bite her tongue and match his tone until he moves out.
She’s really asking about what SHE should do in response to his “niceness”, not as if she could actually stop him from being nice. Though I have a feeling if she let’s it rip (which I’m kind of in favor of), he won’t be so nice anymore.
This is how I interpreted it as well, although, yeah, the phrasing was pretty odd & my first instinct was to snark, too. She probably feels taken advantage of, & like she’s letting him “get away with” something by making things so drama-free while he moves out (not to say it should be FULL OF DRAMA, but I get why she’s all, “do I allow him to be nice?”)
If what your describing is the case- I say be pissed LW and let him know.
That’s also how I read it. I think sometimes things get taken too literally. Anyway, it drives me insane when someone does something shitty and then thinks that we can all pretend it didn’t happen. Like if they suddenly go back to being nice, then I’ll have to be nice, and they won’t have to face the consequences of me being angry. Or they’re so relieved.
To the LW, do what you want, but consider whether you’d rather deal with him being an outright asshole instead.
I agree, that’s how I took it. This is the same as exes who want to be friends afterward and act as though an abrupt change did not just take place. She needs to rip the bandaid off and tell him he needs to find something immediately, then if she doesn’t want to be angry at him, avoid him until he moves out. The worst thing for her is to be around him, especially while he’s acting like everything is ok and mutual and like before. Obviously she can’t stop him from being nice, but it’s her right to not have to be nice to the guy who just broke her heart.
I hadn’t originally interpreted LW1 as you did, but after thinking about it, I suspect that your interpretation is probably right. In that case, I would not recommend going on as if nothing was wrong. If it was me, I would want the ex out immediately. I would explain to the ex how this change in relationship status caused me great pain and disappointment, and that his presence was exacerbating that pain. If he was a caring and unselfish guy, he would immediately leave. If he didn’t, I would let it rip and a half.
LW1, if this is causing you great anguish, tell him. He should he know. And if you don’t speak your feelings now, you will likely in the future regret having not spoken up for yourself.
LW1- Moving out can take time, depending on where you live, what other living opportunities there are, etc. Tell him a date and ask that he is out by that date. If he wants to be nice to you, then fine. I have a feeling subtext for this might be “He wants to keep having sex/being intimate until he moves out,” and that is all your call.
LW2- Your child should be more important than proving anything to anyone else. If you cannot afford to live on your own, why are you moving in with this guy? What will you do if it doesn’t work out again? If you burn your bridges with your parents will they take you back into their home when the fiance and you don’t work out again? You need to get your life together, get stable financially, and not be dependent on others before you make any decision about living with a significant other.
LW3- Just say no thanks. If he gets mad or is upset, you can give a longer reason, but a simple no thank you should suffice.
Love Wendy’s advice for LW 3 — “less is more.” I need to frame this advice and put it in a place where I’ll frequently see it.
I actually thought he was pretty spot-on today. BGM’s practical advice is frequently solid even when his words are hateful.
LW1 – Do not live together a day longer! If he’s dragging his heels, even if he has something lined up for 2 days from now and is staying put until then, pack a bag and stay on a friend’s couch or in a hotel if you can afford it. Put empty boxes into the living room to speed things along. Do anything but live in the same space a minute longer. You have a right to scream and cry and eat tons of ice cream and chocolate, but you can’t do it there if you’re afraid of turning into the crazy ex or give yourself the possibility of being cordial later on. If it means you need to tell a close friend that you’re broken up, just bite the bullet. Or if you think he’d be open to staying somewhere in the interim, ask him to.
There was a couple I knew that broke up and then he lived on the couch for two months. The semi-mature breakup turned into a truly horrible one and they never spoke again, plus their friend group was forever splintered. And friends were still gossiping about it years later.
Did that person never seen Sound of Music?
LW #1–Sucks to feel like you had a good thing going and then realize it’s not going to happen. I think both of you should be as amicable as possible, but also don’t misinterpret his kindness. He’s done. He had a ring and didn’t use it. Done.
LW #2–Sounds like you’re in a weird place development-wise. At 24, many are living on their own, pursuing careers, dating, etc. without any input from their parents. While having a child might make you feel more responsible/more mature than your peers, the dynamic you have with your parents and your questions make me think you’re a very young 24. I think you should work on yourself, gain some independence financially and otherwise, and then think about dating seriously. Someone who is worried about their parents’ reaction to that extent probably isn’t ready to move in with someone/get engaged (and probably isn’t ready for parenthood, but that’s something you don’t have control over. You DO have control over your love life).
LW #3–I’m a little creeped out by your uncle. If you aren’t close, why is he trying to schedule a vacation with you? The way you made it sound (not knowing for sure if other family members will be there) is a little unnerving. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to vacation with your uncle as an adult. There is also nothing wrong with not wanting to vacation with anyone (parents, friends, boyfriend) other than who you absolutely want to. Sometimes I end up on smaller vacations with my parents or my husband’s family that wouldn’t be my first choice for vacation spots/company. But that’s something you do when you want to stay connected with family, it’s important to them, and the sacrifice isn’t too great for you. To sacrifice a week of vacation time for a family member you really don’t want to connect with is crazy. No guilt, girl.
To Strings Attached: Wendy’s response if fine except take out “this time”. That gives an unnecessary opening to ask you again.
In general, I cannot understand grown adults who fell obligated when they are not and who have trouble saying no. It’s not hard.