“His Ex-Girlfriend’s Stuff is Everywhere!”
When stuff sits around our homes for a long time, it’s easy to stop noticing it. Your boyfriend may not even be aware that so much of her stuff is still around or that it bothers you as much as it does, so it’s time to clue him in. Say, “Hey, do you mind if I clear some of your ex-fiancée’s stuff out of this drawer? And while we’re at it, would you mind maybe boxing up the mementos of your relationship and putting them somewhere out of sight? You may not even realize it, but there are still numerous reminders of your ex and it’s awkward for me and makes me feel like there isn’t quite enough space in your apartment or your heart for me and our relationship yet.” Chances are, he’ll be apologetic and will clear the stuff right away. If that isn’t the case, his response to you may be a good clue whether he respects you enough to keep investing in this relationship.
We talked calmly and without hysteria about transparency with cell phones (his primary medium of transgression) and email, not visiting opposite-sex friends overnight without each other present, and not having friendships with people that exclude the other person. Do you have anything to add? What is your stance on flirting once married? Should I advise him to confide more in male friends? Perhaps your readership might care to offer comments? Is it ever okay for your husband to be a woman’s only “true friend”? I’d like to protect my marriage’s future by doing ample research now. I believe in the two of us, but I also understand that no one is immune to such things. — Cautious Bride-to-Be
My advice is to not marry a man you think needs guidelines and rules to follow in order to stay faithful to you. Couples/ Pre-marriage counseling would also probably be a good idea.
I’m sorry but it sounds like this relationship is over. MOA and get yourself to your campus wellness clinic to find help dealing with your anxiety and depression.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
I heart Wendy’s response to LW#1. I think it was perfect and LW, you should say exactly what she said to your boyfriend. As a side note to hopefully help ease a little worry –
When people have good relationships with exes – people they once loved or cared for – I think it speaks well of their character. Barring some awful behavior and a horrible breakup of course. Also, I still have a box filled with letters and mementos of the very first boy I loved. I harbor no feelings for him other than the lovely memories that helped shaped who I am today. Finally, I still sleep with the stuffed monkey he gave me, but no new boyfriend has to know. But whatever, it’s a comfortable stuffed animal.
I agree with Wendy on the other two LW’s as well. But I have nothing to add. Both of you, MOA.
To the Cautious Bride-to-Be:
1. stay thin
2. give blowjobs (a lot)
3. spice it up
4. don’t nag
5. act like you need him
If that doesn’t work, nothing else will.
Somehow, WTF doesn’t seem like enough….
but you can get out of any argument by making him grilled cheese with bacon. Or steak wrapped in bacon. or bacon and an omelet.
LW1 – Have him box up the mementos, throw away the old hair ties and brushes, but maybe you can keep the jewelry, DVD’s, scarves, etc….
LW2 – Wendy’s response is perfect!
LW3 – How long were you in a relationship before it became an LDR? Or did it start that way? I know it’s hard but… if you’re looking for a girl to love and appreciate you, I am sure there are hundreds on campus…. Go for one of them!
LW1: WWS
LW2: WWS. Please don’t marry this guy since it’s clear that you don’t trust him. Go to couples’ counseling if you both want to stay in this relationship.
LW3: If you are a man or a woman, it really doesn’t matter because having a relationship end when you don’t want it to end SUCKS. I’m really sorry. We have all been where you are now LW, and the only things that will help are ceasing all communication with your ex and the passage of time. Please, please please go see your doctor about your depression though. Depression is a serious medical condition and needs to be treated accordingly. I’m wishing good things for you
For LW2 I agree with Wendy. I think that agreed upon rules/boundaries for couples are fine, but not if they are the only thing preventing you from cheating on the other person.
And personally I think people of the opposite sex can be friends, as long as being friends doesn’t effect their romantic relationships. And it seems that your (fiance, not boyfriend,right?) fiance has some issues with drawing a line with his friendships. So for him, yes it seems to be a problem. I agree that premarital counseling sounds like a good idea. Luckily you still have some time!
And LW3 you sound really adorable. It’s very sweet that you sent your gf flowers and are trying so hard. But, it’s over. Luckily you’re a freshman in college, and spring semester just started (I had more fun my spring semester than fall when I was a freshman, was that just me? Or is that typical?). Go have fun and buy flowers for someone who deserves them!
To Freshman in Love:
You are in college… unless you are a complete putz… (which you are acting like), you will never have so many women available at one time. Go enjoy the hook up culture dude… then again, any college freshman that asks for online relationship advice, is probably doomed to be a lifelong beta anyway.
LW3…you poor guy…i know you are hurting right now, but believe me it will get better…your girlfriend is doing the phase out, instead of doing the honorable thing and telling you that it is over…now you get to make the decision…free yourself from this girl and move on to someone who will appreciate you…it takes two people to have a relationship, if you are the only one trying then i say it is not worth it and it is time to find someone who will treat you the way you deserve…keep your chin up 🙂
You want to prevent affairs in your upcoming marriage? Don’t marry a guy you think would have an affair. Seriously. You may love him but marriage is so much more than just love. And you can fall in love again! I promise, it can happen. Love isn’t this tangible thing that you can only give one person and then it’s gone.
“his need to be needed and his long-standing reluctance to open up to men.” What the hell is that? Some pretty way of saying that he wants his ‘ego’ stroked but only by hot women? Phrasing it nicely doesn’t make it any better.
The worst part about LW#2 is that her fiance just provided the excuses for cheating in the future. I can hear him now “Honey, I told you this before we married.”
Run for the hills.
When I was in college, I probably had more male friends than female. However, as I got older and got into serious relationships and so did my male friends, I began to find it appropriate and worked on making more female friends. I am probably more a stickler about boundaries than my married friends – I refuse to have a married couple’s husband’s phone number in my phone. I will not usually be friends with just the husband in a relationship on facebook, etc. There are exceptions, as I do have some really good male friends from high school that I don’t know their wives as they live out of state now.
It’s all about trust. And bacon.
LW1) Boring. Who cares? People REALLY need to write in about this trivial b.s?
LW2) Stop being so whiny and insecure. Clearly your husband has female friends. Does he sleep with them? No, apparently not — as his main means of “transgression” is the telephone. Ahem, newsflash, he will have female friends. I am so tired of the fucking bullshit that passes for an emotional affair. People bandy that term about willy nilly just so they can keep their lovers on a tighter leash. Look, simply being friends with somebody of the opposite sex DOES NOT an emotional affair make. And you know what? Friends confide in one another all the time. Friends even (GASP!) discuss their relationship troubles with friends… Doing so DOES NOT equal an emotional affair. It equals fucking friendship. If you can’t handle your spouse being friends with members of the opposite sex, then you can’t handle being married. Go buy yourself a cat. Only then we’ll probably get letters from you about the cat seems to spend an awful lot of time at the neighbors or something…
In conclusion, unlike Wendy, I am flipping this around. I simply WOULD NOT marry somebody who insisted on GIVING me guidelines to avoid affairs (emotional or otherwise) because it would be patently clear to me that said person was an fucking insecure mess and that, frankly, yes, I could definitely do better. Why? Because I don’t want to spend my life having somebody demanding to see my phone every five minutes. If I wanted to spend the rest of my life in a fucking prison — I’d go out and kill somebody. God, knows, I am tempted enough.
LW3) A) as brought up from above, this could very well be a woman. And B) This really isn’t THAT pitiful. Lets revisit this issue when we get a letter like this… “Dear Wendy. My girlfriend doesn’t work. I support her and pay her child support. She won’t sleep with me and I suspect she is sleeping with others because she is a heroine addict? Did I mention she is a heroine addict? She went to jail and I stood by her all through that because I love her. And deep down, I know she loves me. All this bad behavior, it’s NOT who she TRULY is… Some suggest I should leave her. HOW DARE THEY?! And yet, do they have a point? Gee, Wendy. I don’t know…”
Now that’s pitiful. And that’s just but ONE of the letters we received here this week…
Secrets to a happy long-term marriage (I’ve been married 25 years). Sex? Yes. Every day. All the time. Bj’s? Yes . Every day. All the time. Things you see in porn? Yes. Every day. All the time. Why? You rarely fight (especially about trivial stuff). Neither of you will cheat (too busy and exhausted). He may not even look at other women (too exhausted). You won’t be tempted to nag (he’s still your boyfriend). The kids are happy cause mom and dad are so happy and their world feels safe.
Okay. I’m exaggerating a little but you get the point.
I gotta agree with Wendy on all of these!
And LW3 totally made me go, “awwww.” Because I feel for you and you seem very sweet. But it’s time to face facts: it doesn’t look like your gf is interested anymore. And as much as you don’t want to, you are going to have to give up sometime. (After all, you’re only 1/2 of the equation here.) I’d focus on how awesome college is, how many friends and fun experiences you are having/going to have, and maybe you’ll meet a different girl who will love to get flowers from you. 🙂
Wow. I can’t describe how much I disagree with the advice to LW1.
No one gets married thinking they will cheat or be cheated on. It happens during bad times in marriages when you don’t have appropriate boundaries and allow “friendships” to go too far.
I’m less concerned about their rules or that they have them (hubby and I have our own!) but more that she seems very concrned about this, which I think is her gut screaming this guy is not legit. Disclaimer: If she is recovering from being betrayed (I am unsure if she was the gf he cheated on; it’s not clear) her reaction is perfectly normal.
That said… I would wait till I was less paranoid and he had proved himself before marrying.
How did I not put this together earlier… dude with the girl doing the “Fade Away”
Being friends is one thing, but keeping her notes, cards, photos around is insensitive.
My question is when you FIRST saw this, why not open your mouth as speak up?!
You don’t have sex with, give intimacy, or allow a man or any parenteral to touch you, have the privilege of being in your company.
Obviously he overlooked having her excess memorabilia around, but You saw it, and allowed it.
Stop. Being. Passive. Stop quivering in the corner, asking the internet if its OK. It’s not and you need to hold higher standards and boundaries.