Shortcuts: “I’m Jealous Of my Boyfriend’s Female Facebook Friends”
It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in just a few sentences because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great that being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go.
What is it about your boyfriend adding these women that bothers you? Do you think he might cheat on you with one of them (even though they live in different countries)? Are you afraid he might have internet relationships with them? Are you embarrassed by what other people might think seeing all his half-assed-dressed FB friends? Or are you simply bothered by the idea of his looking at and enjoying scantily-clad women? Narrow down what it is you don’t like, talk to him about it, and accept that, if he continues adding the women and you continue being bothered by it, then maybe you aren’t a good match and it’s time to MOA.
He’s telling you the truth — he’s not ready. And he may never be ready. The pregnancy was probably a distraction from his not-readiness. It didn’t make him MORE ready — it just gave you both something else to temporarily focus on, but now the distraction is gone and his not-readiness is back to being front and center. And look, just because he misses you doesn’t mean he wants to be back together with you. And just because you love him doesn’t mean he’s the right man for you. If he’s friended sexy girls on Facebook and you’ve always had a problem with it, I don’t know why you’d think that would suddenly change. Obviously, he isn’t ready to be committed to you, and, even if he were, you’d still have to deal with this issue that has plagued your entire relationship. Just because you want to magically be back together and happy again doesn’t mean there’s any chance of that happening or that it’s the right thing. Honestly, I’d MOA if I were you.
Um, you say: “Hey mom, I won’t be home tonight. I didn’t want you to worry. I’ll be spending the night at my boyfriend’s house. If you need anything, give a call.” And, honestly, if your mother is so controlling or your boundaries are so loose that, at 28, you’re scared of her reaction when you spend the night at your boyfriend’s place, maybe you two shouldn’t be living together anymore.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
Boundary Friday I guess!
LW1: Stop writing the women, most of whom are likely spambots. Stop reporting to FB. Start talking to your boyfriend and if he doesn’t stop and it bothers you still break up with him.
LW2: He’s not ready and you probably shouldn’t be either. You two experienced a whirlwind and now you’re left to clean up after the tornado.
LW3: I don’t get why this is a big deal especially if she already thinks (and is likely acting like) you’ve already spent the night with him?
I honestly don’t get the drama with Facebook. If your boyfriend is friending hot chicks then he’s likely to be very immature as he doesn’t care if his FB is cluttered with semi pornish pictures thus broadcasting to the world that he’s a bit of a creeper. Most people, coupled or not, look at attractive people. Friending girls you’ve never met for a steady flow of skeezy pictures takes that to another level. In short ladies, WWS-aim for someone with fewer loser qualities.
LW1’s behavior is out of line. It’s perfectly understandable that she is upset by what her boyfriend is doing (after all, most of these accounts are ostensibly ‘real women’ that he can interact with and that is not quite the same thing as looking at random porn videos). But to message these women to ask them to delete her boyfriend is pretty nuts. Also, slut-shaming them because of how they dress is not cool, especially to the extent of trying to report them to Facebook! She doesn’t say their photos are pornographic, just that they aren’t covered up enough for her taste. Who does she think she is, the Internet Police? This issue is between the LW and her boyfriend, she should NOT be dragging anyone else into it. She needs to communicate with him like Wendy said, and if he doesn’t listen, they should break up. Leave the ladies out of it because it is not their fault or their problem.
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LW2, listen to Wendy. I’m sorry for your loss, and I’m sure your pain is compounded by the break-up. Please hold out for a partner who is 100% there for you. This guy, for whatever reason, is not that partner right now. Stop looking at his Facebook and start moving on with your life. Ask a friend to log in for you and delete/block him if you don’t think you can do it yourself.
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LW3: “I have my own place, but my mom lives with me.” You don’t have your own place. Your mom lives with you. If she already thinks you’ve slept over at dude’s house before, what do you have to lose? If she’s going to flip out on you over something like that, why are you living with her? This should not be a problem at your age.
Yeah I can see having an issue with it but emailing the women he’s friending is just weird and slightly crazy. I also agree on the clothing. Reporting them because you decide their outfits show too much? That is just even crazier. It’s so much easier to blame them than her boyfriend though. Those hussies forcing him to friend them with their lack of clothing!
I read LW3 as saying that she owns her own place and her mom lives with her (as a roommate or rent free or because she cannot live alone, etc.), not that she lives in a place that her mom owns. Anyway, saying “Mom, I won’t be in tonight. Don’t worry and call my cell if you need me.” is fine.
As for the other two, LW1, stop being nuts and talk to your BF. LW2, I’m sorry for your loss. You need to focus on getting yourself in a better place and not waste time or energy on a guy who just isn’t ready for what you want. If after over a year, moving in and a baby, he isn’t ready, well, he’s probably not ever going to be. And stop stalking his Facebook!!
Oh my gosh! What if she is the internet police? She’s just trying to infiltrate DW and shut us down for harassing Sarah B! Our evil is finally catching up to us!
Lol.
Wendy, keep an eye on your Facebook page! That will be the first part of your evil empire to topple. 🙂
Okay, so my name is Wendy too, and I was super confused for a second cause I was like “Wait, how does she know my name?”
Haha, whoops! Sorry for freaking you out. I meant Wendy-Wendy. Unless the Internet Police are after you too…
You never know. They’re everywhere!
You know, there’s an emergency vehicle of some sort around here that has a really funny-sounding siren, I wonder if they’re the internet police…
LW3, you and your mom need to have a serious boundaries discussion. It sounds like you own the place (or pay the rent) and your mom lives with you, which I agree is a different situation from you living with your mom in her house. So set those boundaries!
It can be so easy to fall into the same mother/daughter roles you have had your whole life, where she’s the grownup and you’re the child and she makes the rules. But you’re an adult now. If this is going to work out, then you need to start relating to each other like roommates rather than like mother/daughter on certain issues.
Which means… she doesn’t get to judge you about where you spend your nights, and you don’t have to feel like you answer to her. Wendy’s advice is fine for the first time, but what happens when this becomes a regular thing? Are you gonna tell your mom explicitly every time you stay at a guy’s house? Time to work out a system.
I get what you’re saying, but before that happens I think the LW has to step back and ask herself if this is actually an issue at all, you know? I mean, I know we can read these letters different ways, but I read the letter and thought, “Ok, so she already thinks you crashed there, and you didn’t mention her getting annoyed.” I envisioned a scenario where she tells her mom “Hey, I’m spending the night at ___’s place,” and the mom goes, “Ok. Say hi for me.” So this may be in the LW’s head.
Yeah I can see that. After all if mom already thinks she has, maybe the mom is handling the relationship shift just fine. I do still think the LW needs to generally evaluate what it means to live with mom and make sure the relationship isn’t too…mothering. The LW is clearly falling into her role as daughter by thinking she needs to tell her mom that she’s sleeping over… but maybe all the boundary problems are in the LW’s head.
LW1, if you don’t like your guy AS HE IS, you need to move on. Trying to change people doesn’t work. It just doesn’t. You can nag them into pretending to be a different person, but that’s not real, and it never lasts. If someone asked you to pretend to have a different personality, how long could you keep it up? Would you even want to?
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Your guy likes to look at and talk to other women. If that’s not something you can live with, find a guy who doesn’t do that. It really is that simple.
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And for heaven’s sake, stop writing to these women, and stop reporting them. What they post on FB, and who they talk to, is none of your business. Your issue is between you and your boyfriend. No one else.
Not only should LW1 realize that she can’t change her boyfriend and either needs to take him or leave him as he is, she must realize she can’t possibly change every person he interacts with, that is absolutely futile.
LW2, I agree with Wendy’s advice, but here’s a thought: replace “adds sexy girls and messages them” with “gets drunk” for his actions post-breakup. Then your sentences read like this:
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“Since we broke up, he has been getting drunk. Then, the other day he told me he missed me. Why would he say he misses me while he keeps getting drunk?”
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When you look at it that way, it makes a bit more sense: he’s depressed and trying to fill a void in his life with overindulgence in something else. Yeah, I know he was looking at sexy girls on Facebook before too, but it seems like he escalated it, which isn’t too surprising. Given all that, I’d listen to Wendy and MOA, not because I don’t think you could work out but because I think the fact that he finds solace in chasing women when he’s down like this speaks to what’ll happen if he’s depressed/angry/upset in the future with you, and you’ve said you don’t want that to happen.
Haha, LW1 made me laugh. I’d like to see her “report” to Facebook. “Dear Facebook, I’m writing to report that my boyfriend keeps friending foreign chicks dressed in half-ass clothes. Make him stop it! Thanks.” Haha.
My husband was listening to a podcast last time we went on a road trip (NPR or something, idk about podcasts) that was interviewing a software developer for the FB reporting software. He was saying they get thousands of reports of things every day and after they go through the software filter for things like Spam and Porn, a human has to sit there and go through each one and decide if it has merit or is stupid.
So can you just imagine being the facebook employee who’s job it is to follow up on this girl’s reports and decide if the girls are TOO scantily clad, or just scantily clad ENOUGH?! I guess it’s his lucky day, for getting paid to peep at “half-assed” dressed women.
I would’ve put her on a frequent flier list by now. Like 911 has, make her a problem reporter.
I’ve heard that podcast, too. I believe it was on Radiolab. I love NPR podcasts.
Oh yes, I think you’re right. Radiolab sounds familiar. I don’t really like to listen to talk radio/books on tape… I don’t usually get as much from something if I listen to it, vs read it. But our rule for road trips is that the driver gets to pick the soundtrack.
Oh I heard that show! It was a really interesting episode, especially when they got into the things they tried out, like asking if it was something offensive or something they’d just rather not see, and seeing if they’d address the offending person directly. Love radiolab!
LW2, all I saw was “we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we” until “HE decided we needed to break up.” There was less “we” in your relationship than YOU think.
Regarding LW2, I totally agree that, even though you love someone, it doesn’t mean you are right for each other. Such a hard lesson to learn! (Totally been there!)