“Should I Contact My Ex’s Kids?”
Mercifully, he hasn’t tried to contact me, and I’d like to keep it that way. The problem is, I have a book that I ordered for his teenage son that arrived in the mail after we broke up. I told the son that I was going to buy him this book, and it is important to me to follow through on my promises, particularly because pretty much nobody else in this kid’s family does so. I also discovered the other day that I have my ex’s only pair of nice dress pants.
I want to mail these things to them, but I don’t want to give the impression that I’m reaching out or giving my ex a reason to contact me. I feel bad for having given no explanation, apology, or good-bye to his kids, but I’m afraid sending them a note might piss off my ex and stir up drama when I really just want to let things lie. What do you think I should do? — Wanting Drama-Free Breakup
I think your gut feeling to keep some space from your ex and his kids to avoid pissing off the ex who is prone to anger is a good one. I understand the desire to make things right with the kids – to have some sort of good-bye or closure, but you need to prioritize your safety and well-being and reaching out to your ex right now isn’t the best way to do that. You don’t know what might set him off or what he might interpret as some sort of olive branch on your part or even an invitation to open communication. A box in the mail from you might indicate to him that you’d be open hearing from him.
As painful as it might be to set firm boundaries that also include innocent kids you’ve no doubt bonded with over the past four year and care for, you do have to set them to protect yourself. I think that means not sending the book. Donate it to one of those Little Library houses that are all over the place now, and don’t think about it again. Donate the dress pants, too. And then move on with your life.
You did what you had to do to get out of a situation that was no longer working for you and was potentially putting you in danger. Let yourself grieve and process the experience in peace. In time, I hope you are also to remember whatever good memories you have from the relationship, to think kindly of the kids, and to genuinely hope your ex has gotten the help he needs. But he’s no longer your problem, you did the right thing, and you should feel proud of yourself for recognizing the need to leave this relationship and getting out when you did.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.
I really don’t know what to think about this question. I would ask myself if you’re doing this for yourself or for the kids and what affect your actions would have on the kids (calling him up and asking to meet). Do you have contact with anyone else who knows him and his kids? Hopefully they have someone else in their life who can be a support system and help them work through this and I hope that your ex is able to turn his life around for them soon. Sounds like an awful situation 🙁
I think your idea of having someone else passing it to him is a great idea jly. That would give her physical separation/safety and make it personal for the kid.
not sure if this is advice or just saying what i would do in the situation….but i would mail the book to the ex with a note explaining it is for his son….probably leave it at that…since you ended it face to face I don’t think you need to explain yourself…and if your ex uses it as an excuse to attack you just explain that you keep your word and you promised his son you would buy the book for him…no one can fault you for keeping your word
i kind of dont see how this is such a huge situation that needs to much thought- just get the pants and the book to them. mail them, drop them off, give it to someone else to give to them- i dunno, but just do it and be done. i dont see the need for such drama around it.
I’ll add this must suck for the kids.
Either mail the book and pants with the briefest of notes or let it go. There are different levels of “right” and “following through on your promise” to the son of your ex may be important to you but it doesn’t trump re-introducing yourself into your ex’s life – in any capacity really – so soon after breaking up with him. Particularly since he isn’t as balanced as one would like. If it were me, I would walk away without looking back.
That was my exact thought! I was really surprised by the answer, too. I’m with you on mailing the book to the kid with a nice note.
With you on the who cares about the pants thing.
work! perfect. there is your solution, LW.
If it were just the pants, I’d say ignore it completely. But, since it’s a book for the kid, a kid whose life she was in some way a part of for four and a half years, I’d say keep the promise and send him the book. That stuff is important. And, might as well send the pants in the same package. I’d just put them in a box with a note that says “FYI – I found your pants and this book came for Jr.” and mail it to him. Seems like reaching out might be interpreted as more than it is intended to be at this time. Of course, I expect she will hear from him once she sends the package anyway.
Having dealt with an ex who was prone to scary fits of anger… don’t meet up with him. Even in a public place. The news as of late has taught us that people (especially people with histories of mental health problems) have no problem acting out violently in the most public of places. Maybe I am being dramatic. I don’t care. If you were so afraid of his reaction that you broke up with him at his place of work, he’s not the type of person that you won’t to meet up with.
Mail the items with a BRIEF note. “These are your pants. The book is something I promised your son.” Then make sure you’re careful… always carry your charged cell phone. Don’t walk anywhere alone at night. Be with people as much as possible. Again, I know I am being dramatic. But, an irrationally angry, possible alcoholic, who you were frightened might “fly off the handle” is not an ex I would let my guard down about.
Sorry for the typo. I should really read first… “If you were so afraid of his reaction that you broke up with him at his place of work, he’s not the type of person that you want to meet up with.”
He has a teenage son. So he’s likely well past the onset age. I don’t mean to be nitpicky, but late onset very rare. It’s totally possible, and I had the same thought that this is more than depression and sounds more like a mental illness. As someone with a mentally ill parent (Borderline Personality Disorder that exhibits as schizophrenia), I’d never presume to diagnose, but it totally does sound like he’s grappling with much ore than depression. Whatever it is, he sounds dangerous (tho most mentally ill ppl are NOT! Hate that stigma!) and LW should stay away from him.
It doesn’t come across to me that she’s actually afraid of her ex, she never says as much. Her motivations for her actions (breaking up with in at work, etc) seems aimed at avoiding a big scene and drama than anything else. She does state that he gets really angry, but nowhere in this letter is there any indication of violence or concerns of violence. I would suspect that if she were concerned about violence (towards the kids or otherwise) the letter would be about that and not about a book and some pants. Likewise, I think Wendy’s response would have been different had violence been the concern. I think Wendy’s response comes from the perspective of her concern being purely about wanting to avoid any kind of “drama”.
I don’t think he has been violent yet but something led her to believe that he might be heading that direction….saying she broke up with him in a public place because she wasn’t sure if he would fly off the handle or not…that can get scary really quickly. So I think it is more that just drama she is trying to avoid.
Yeah I’m not confused about the way Wendy approached the letter, I just don’t agree with it. She did say she wanted to avoid drama, but she also said he became “irrationally angry to the point of being scary,” and then immediately followed that up with details about breaking up with him in a public place. She indicated that he’s unstable and also said she “didn’t want to piss him off” by contacting his kids. Taken together these things amount to a pretty clear indication that the ex frightens her, at least on some level. I also think it’s totally possible that after 2 weeks, LW may not have processed it all, so she’s still focused on details like books and pants, and not able to completely articulate why this feels like a big deal. I’m not saying it definitely would have escalated to violence, but there are enough red flags in this letter to make me encourage this LW to not put herself in a situation where it might.
I think all of you make good points. Drama scares me. Yes, I was mostly worried about him making a scene, but he is a big strong man with a temper and well, I’d be lying if I said I’m not a bit intimidated when he’s mad and irrational. I was afraid that if i broke up with him at my house he might refuse to leave, and we’d have to go over it over and over again, with him getting madder and madder. I wanted to be in a situation where I could be the one to leave.
I think my gut-reaction to having the book and pants maybe is a little selfishly motivated. I wanted to get them off my plate, to not have any loose ends hanging around untied. I want to be done with all of it and move on. It’s probably a little weird that I feel the need to do that in order to be done with it…
Thanks for the kind words too. 🙂
I was nearly killed by my ex after I asked for a divorce – the scary rages he’d always had escalated. My intuition (gut) I had learned to ignore to my detriment – please don’t ignore yours. I totally disagree with Wendy’s advice, I don’t think you should have any further contact with your ex. Return the book, throw the pants in a box (he may use them to see you again, if he does, mail them). I urge you to move on, if he contacts you, don’t respond, any attention can make things worse. Do be aware of your surroundings because he may stalk or try to see you. if you do contact him at any point it is a bad idea to tell him you care about him. That tells him he still has some power over you/a chance with you. You can think I’m being over the top – I never believed my ex would *really* hurt me, until he did.
I wouldn’t get back in touch with him either. How about just forget about the pants and mail the book to the son with a note that here is the book you promised and leave it at that. Or give it to a go-between to give to the son.
If the guy started to scare you that much there is no need to talk or see him again. Besides, putting more closure to it will not prevent him from whatever decisions he has already made in terms of how to move on…especially if he is “crazy”.
No, I would send the book with a note to the teenaged son. If LW doesn’t feel safe with the ex, then I think she doesn’t need to reach out to him.
LW, if you do meet up with him again, PLEASE do not tell him you care for him. I had an ex who had similar issues to yours, and when we broke up I told him this, just thinking it was a nice thing to say. It ended up making it harder for him to move on, as he thought me “caring” for him meant there was still a chance at reconciliation.
Mail the book, or like someone said above, drop it off at your ex’s place of business (when you know he’s not there).
I would mail the pants and the book together, without a note. On the book I would put a sticky note that says “For Kidsname”. No other contact should be necessary.
This. If she is afraid of the ex, she shouldn’t get any further involved with the situation.
I accidentally clicked “Like” when I meant to Reply, so subtract at least one “Like.” I am fairly certain that your large number of “Likes” can be attributed to readers who have not had children.
Unless the son is an adult, which does not seem to be the case in this instance, you absolutely must not subvert the parent and contact the ex’s son directly after you have broken up with the parent. You may send the book and the pants to the parent, but do not try to subvert the parent by sending directly to the minor.
Well, for what its worth, I have a kid. I think you raise a good point though. And I will subtract 1 from my likes 🙂
Good one! 🙂
I was thinking about something funny earlier. If some guy broke up with me who had my pants… if he mailed a package to my house that contained something completely different and he kept my pants… 30 years later I would still be seen occasionally wandering around shaking my head wondering about the nutjob I once dated who kept my pants 🙂 I know how I am, ugh!
Having ended a 5 year relationship with a man (also depressed and a touch irrational) with a child (who i loved and adored – probably in the end more than i did the father) I understand where the LW is coming from. Luckily, I also had a great relationship with my former ‘step daughters’ mom and was able to take her for breakfast once after the break up just to let her know how much I cared for her, always will care for her and wished nothing but the best for her and her dad. After that though, I never initiated contact her again. It may seem cold hearted but I felt that me trying to stay involved in her life would only add to the confusion of her family dynamics. Her dad quickly moved on with someone new after our relationship ended and I didn’t want to make things uncomfortable for his new girlfriend and her relationship with his daughter. That little girl is now a teenager and with the benefit of facebook does occasionally contact me as a friend, no longer as family. Perhaps the LW could mail the book (forget the pants) directly to the child. What kid doesn’t like getting a package in the mail. I’m sure the kid will know who it is from, if not, who cares. Other than that, I wouldn’t initiate any further contact unless you know that is is OK with his dad or another parent. You being involved against the parents wishes will only put the kid in an uncomfortable (and who knows with this guys mental state) possible dangerous situation. Good luck moving on with your life. Take it from me, things only get better from here 🙂
Rather than offer something helpful, I’m inspired to share a “giving stuff back” memory that this letter reminded me about.
I dated a clingy, possessive, creepy guy for about 4-5 months. It was long distance and he was a high school acquaintance that I reconnected with. The distance and the high school connection interfered with my usually accurate weirdo radar. When I broke it off, he DID NOT TAKE IT WELL, even though I tried to be thougthful, compassionate, kind, etc. Within 24 hours he left a public “break-up message” on Facebook and blocked me. A week later he called accusing me of giving him an STD. This kind of drama is completely foreign to me so I just kept quiet, mostly. Finally, he fell silent and months went by without contact.
Then one day I received a package with a bathing suit and sunglasses I’d apparently left at his place during one of my visits. This was months after our break up. There was no note but I immediately understood the message he wanted me to see. The return address. It was a LOCAL address! He’d moved back to our hometown.
Knowing he’d go ballistic without some recognition of the package, I wrote a two line thank you card and sent it in the mail. “Thank you for returning my bathing suit and sunglasses. I appreciate it.”
A few weird text messages followed in the next months –mostly letting me know he was working near my office. Stuff like that. Not full-blown stalker but creepy.
That was years ago and he eventually faded into the darkness. I heard awhile back he had a new girlfriend and that’s about when he stopped.
I wouldn’t downplay depression like that. Depression can cause irrational anger/rage at times in different people and can be considered a serious and persistant mental illness depending on what ways it is affecting life.
That’s a very good policy about talking to exes. Good luck.
I was about to post when I saw your response. Having been through a similar situation myself (sans kids, which i realize is a fundamental difference), I think you’re doing the right thing. I was with my ex for 5 years and the fifth year he became depressed, withdrawn, paranoid, and irrational. He thought I was manipulating him, and I even began to feel unsafe. He’s not schizophrenic or a bad person, He was just mentally ill (and wouldn’t get help). After we broke up, it was two years before I contacted him (because it was absolutely necessary regarding some leftover financial issues due to living together, etc). And it worked out well. We talked a few times over a few months – always related to the finances – but also managed to get some closure via (very) short conversations during the financial discussions that were only made possible by the very clean (and long) break we had made two years prior. —My point being, my advice is to wait as long as you possibly can before sending these items (if you even ultimately decide to send them at all). I know that you want to keep your promise about the book, but honestly, if you plan on keeping your distance, the truth is you will NOT be in this kid’s life anymore, and a book won’t change that fact. And the ex can get new pants. Take care of yourself and not anyone else right now.
Your situation does sound very similar to mine. Thank you for sharing!
Blargh, I didn’t see your reply LW. Great decision.
Given the fact that this man has a bad temper, I would advise you to let sleeping dogs lie. So far, it seems as if he has been no trouble after the split – so why rock the boat now by initiating contact for a book and a pair of dress pants?
I understand that you might have become fond of his child during your relationship, and want to live up to the promise you made him, but your safety and well-being has to come first. I worry that if you re-establish contact, it might open old wounds for your ex and could result in some kind of altercation between the two of you.
If you feel really strongly about the book, is there any other level-headed person (another relative perhaps?) in that child’s life that you could reach out to and ask to deliver the book anonymously? If not, I’d really suggest leaving this whole situation alone, because why invite trouble for no reason?
“…becomes irrationally angry to the point of being scary about things that don’t even make sense…I couldn’t be sure he wouldn’t fly off the handle if we were alone.”
Because of this.
“and becomes irrationally angry to the point of being scary about things that don’t even make sense. I broke up with him in a public place (outside the store he manages) because I couldn’t be sure he wouldn’t fly off the handle if we were alone. ”
He was being angry to the point of being scary. People worried about her safety because she worried about her safety.
Mentally ill people can and do hurt others frequently. And so do mentally sound people, like Dylan Roof claims to be. We need to trust our instincts, rather than worry about hurting someone’s feelings by distancing ourselves. Yelling and scary displays of anger are more than enough reason. People who don’t trust their instincts get hurt, as the book The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker explains.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0440508835/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1484602774&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=the+gift+of+fear&dpPl=1&dpID=51x0cj4i6yL&ref=plSrch
I know it’s a small percentage of the mentally ill who are violent, but there are a LOT of people with mental illness.
Or, to put it a better way, I realize it’s said that a small percentage of violent crimes are committed by mentally ill people. But if I am around someone who makes me feel fearful, I need to get away from that person. I may or may not know that they have a mental illness or understand it, but I can’t put that ahead of my own safety. I have to trust my instincts. If I’m with a guy who is scary, and I also know he claims to be depressed, I’m not going to stick around in spite of my fear of him and my unhappiness in the relationship.
And Dylan Roof is definitely among the mentally ill. Those who deny it the most are frequently the most ill, especially with schizophrenia.
Bacc — I agree with you that the vast preponderance of mentally ill people can be treated such that they do not present any appreciable threat to others, or themselves. Mentally ill people who are unable to obtain/afford treatment and even more so those who refuse treatment, can be very dangerous. We’re not talking about the mildly mentally ill here, but the more serious cases, most of whom would have been in custodial care in past years. Part of ‘the mentally ill aren’t a threat’ meme comes from governments and a health establishment who have decided that is too expensive to provide the treatment which the seriously mentally ill badly need. Misguided civil liberties types sued governments to have the seriously mentally ill released from institutions and governments literally fell over themselves to lose those lawsuits and save the money that long-term treatment required.
Seriously depressed people aren’t a threat to the public at large but can be a serious threat to themselves and their families. This is the source of quite a few family murder-suicides. We just had a very young depressed woman sentenced to prison in our small city for jumping off a bridge into the river with her infant. She survived, the child didn’t. Unfortunately, it is all too common (still not at all common) for seriously depressed mothers to decide that they and their children are better off in the next life. A lot of the crimes committed by women, especially those which harm their families, are crimes committed out of depression/despair/hopelessness. For the moderately depressed, emotional or physical abuse is often the trigger. For the seriously depressed, hard times can be sufficient. This, more so than the physical pain afflicting men who have done decades of hard labor, also seems to be what drives many women to opioid abuse. Drug use is a notorious form of self treatment among the mentally ill.
My gut does not tell me to fear mentally ill people. It tells me to fear people who are acting in a way that makes me feel unsafe. And if they happen to be mentally ill, I’m not going to stick around just because they are mentally ill.
You don’t have a monopoly on mental illness, Baccalieu. I’ve suffered from depression. I can’t sleep unaided. I get it.
I resist “suicidal ideation” regularly, I should add.
Nothing that Ron or I wrote even hints at putting all mentally ill people in the same bucket, or being afraid of mentally ill people.
I’m confused why this is being brought up since it was from 2013. Am I missing something, or were you just searching for something to criticize?
Most of the advice here is directed toward the particular question, rather than every single person who fits into a certain category. If an LW says they are nervous that their partner will fly off the handle, then we’re responding to that particular concern. It doesn’t mean that we are saying that any person with mental illness is a threat to society. It’s odd to me that someone would make that jump. I’m all for getting rid of ableism, but not at the expense of a person’s safety or even emotional well-being. I think trying to prevent an unreasonable outburst is a good enough reason for being in public.
This reminds me of a post from years ago when I commented that a woman should be more clear when not interested some guy she knew, and somebody jumped on me and implied that I was a rape apologist. They were saying that because I told this particular woman that she needed to be more straightforward in her situation, that it automatically meant that I’d tell a woman who was assaulted that it was her fault. So, again, I had to try to explain that advice in one situation doesn’t mean that’s the same advice I’d give in a different situation with different people.
“I did see those lines and I do get the better safe than sorry. But he hasn’t done anything else but yell (depressives can do that it doesn’t take much initiative).”
Then I don’t think you truly *get* the “better safe than sorry.” That whole concept means that even if it’s not that likely for a bad outcome, that the person is going to take the precautions just in case. That’s the exact point of “better safe than sorry.” I don’t see why meeting someone in public is THAT terrible that she should feel guilty for doing that or people are monsters for suggesting it.
I would forget about the book. Even mailing it back might be interpreted as an invitation to try to re-establish contact.
It’s brutal but you need to stick with your first response and follow Wendy’s advice. Restarting contact for any reason will be viewed as restarting contact. You can’t control what meaning your ex takes from it or what his reaction will be. I hope you find what Jess and megan said helpful. Honestly, you sending the book as promised cannot counter-balance you no longer being in this young person’s life even if you wish it could.
I recently left a similar situation. His children were not teenagers, but young adults. I was torn about contacting them, as we had a very good relationship. Knowing their Dad needed help with me gone and that he might not even tell them I had moved out ( He is his own worst enemy ),I decided the right thing to do was contact them.
I did not go into any detail about why I left, ( he was nasty and abusive in many ways) but they must have observed some things in his demeanor to me before. They actually said they were glad I did what “I needed to for myself”. Interesting response.
I had been in touch with him very minimally…arranging to pick up mail and a parcel mistakenly sent there etc. He did not try to press further contact or even meet me in person with the parcel etc. And I had been afraid before of telling him I was leaving him. Though he has some physical issues that would make bodily harming me difficult.
I see no harm in mailing the book to the kid. The pants I would just throw /give away. Address the book to child directly. Done and done.