“Should I Give My Friend’s Parents a Gift?”
Here is my question: would it be appropriate for me to send them each a small gift for Christmas? My friend and I do not exchange gifts (it just isn’t our style and we don’t have a ton of money), so I’m wondering if that would make things weird. But I feel as though I get to show my friend that I appreciate his awesomeness on a regular basis, whereas I don’t have that opportunity with his parents, so is a small token of appreciation for them acceptable, even though I won’t be exchanging gifts with their son? — Gift Horse
The nice thing about this situation is you basically can’t go wrong. A gift, as long as it isn’t expensive or too sentimental, which I can’t imagine it would be, is most likely going to be appreciated. That said, the person you should probably be asking this question to is your friend. If he’s weirded out by the idea of you sending his parents a small token of thanks for the nice things they’ve included you in — which would be weird in itself, but I digress — send a card instead (with a thoughtful, hand-written message inside). If your friend’s cool with it, then a small box of chocolates, some Christmas cookies, a pretty ornament, or some holiday-scented candles should get the job done. Just be aware that if you do decide to send a gift, you’ll probably forever be that young lady your friend’s parents wish he’d settled down with already (and don’t think they won’t be asking about you all the time. Five years from now, they’ll be all, “What happened to that nice girl who sent us those cinnamon candles one year? Is she still single?”).
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
I already told you on another thread, but a bit late, I love how chirpy you have been since you made your decision. 🙂
Thanks, JK!
I agree with the card. Getting used to writing thank you notes is a classy habit to be in. Every time they invite you somewhere, it would be nice to write a note afterwards. Selfishly, people are very generous to people that are grateful. Run it by your friend when you ask for the address.
Also, if you send a small gift, you make sure that they know it is a thank you as well so they don’t feel obligated to send a gift back. You are young so you might not know the “Hostess gift” tradition, but a small token gift is a nice response to an invitation. It is a candle, flowers, stationary, wine or a dessert. This is a great sentiment.
You are so right about cards being a classy habit to be in. People don’t do it as much anymore, but it’s ALWAYS appreciated. Speaking of, I’m going to right my Aunt a thank you card right now for letting me stay with her over the weekend.
I think a card with a nice, personal message in it expressing your gratitude to them would be very thoughtful and well received.
If you’re short on cash, you can always give them something personal that takes time…like making cookies and sending it to them, to show your appreciation.
And I agree with Wendy that it would be nice to mention it to your friend so he’s aware that you’re sending his parents a token of thanks.
Happy Holidays!!
Most definitely send them a card.
Or, if you bake, you can always make some cookies or squares and take them over… or even (if you have time and can afford to) have them over to your house, or your friend’s house, for a homemade meal.
People appreciate thank-you notes and always appreciate homemade food. 🙂
Agreed. I think the actual gift is not really the issue here but mostly showing them gratitude for all that they have done for you. Gratitude goes a long way !
Aw, this is nice all around. You could send them some baked goods, a nice but cheap option for broke college students!
yeah I suspect this is a girl crushing hard on the guy. i can’t imagine a bro would be wringing his hands and fretting about sending his co-bro’s parents a gift. and i think that an inter-gender friendship between straight people that is mutually platonic isn’t really a thing. i guess it doesn’t really matter, aint nothin wrong with crushing hard.
but anyway i would say food is good or maybe candles, something cheap and temporary but still conveys the thought.
LW could be crushing on the guy but it’s also a very strong possibility that this is just how her family/those close to her handled things when she was growing up: someone does something nice for you, you get them a small gift in return. She may have just discovered as she got older, went to college, etc., that what may be normal to her and those around her may not seem so normal to others. Not saying that what I think she wants to do is wrong (I actually think it’s very nice and thoughtful) but I think it’s worth taking into consideration she could have mentioned this to someone and they said something along the lines of ‘are you sure that’s such a good idea? I’ve never heard of someone doing that for this situation before.’
I’m a Midwestern parent, and even though my kids aren’t nearly old enough to be in college yet, it’s the norm to pay for their friends when we all go somewhere. Likewise, when another parent takes one of my kids, they do the same. I’m not sure if that’s just limited to Midwestern parents, but that’s the only frame of reference I have.
Anyway, don’t send a gift…I wouldn’t even send baked goods, because it sends a bit of a message. Also, they might feel obligated to then send you a gift or baked goods in return. Your goal is to express your gratitude, and they know you are a poor college student, so send a note or a card and thank them for including you in their plans. However, it would have been more appropriate if you did that after they visited. It’s not really a “holiday thing”, but I think they’d appreciate hearing it, if you didn’t previously send a card/note to thank them. But truly, nothing more is necessary than just that.
Same here. It is the norm amongst my family and friends to pay for the young ones or less fortunate and I’m from the Midwest as well.
I have very non-Midwestern parents who always always paid for my friends when they took us out in college. To a lesser extent they still do now when they come to visit me as a “grown-up” with a job.
I also agree with not sending a gift. I think it would weird my parents out if someone sent them an actual gift. But thank you notes are always appreciated!
“LW, you are secretly in love with this friend of yours, aren’t you? Maybe a little bit? Deep down, you want to have his babies one day, maybe? The “his parents adore me” zone can be a death trap. So proceed with caution!”
I didn’t read your comment before I made mine below, but this is what I think the message might be if she sends them a gift. Whether or not that is true, she doesn’t want to seem like she’s “trying too hard”.
I agree. I think a card would be perfect. And nothing else is necessary. This is nice all around, like KD said below.
A “thank you” note all the way!
If this guy is just a platonic friend of yours, a Holiday gift or card seems completely over-the-top. The correct and appropriate thing is for you to make sure you thank the parents eye-to-eye when they do come into town and provide for you as one of his friends. Shortly after they have left town, write a thank-you note that you and all of the friends who were invited can sign; send that thank-you card.
If this guy is something possibly more than a platonic friend, or you really want him to be more than just a platonic friend, then just take the leap and ask him out.
I’m sure I’m just being cynical but I’m also wondering if there’s another motive for sending his parents a gift. If she’s romantically interested in him then I think giving a gift is inappropriate. And if this guy has a girlfriend already then it’s doubly inappropriate.
This is complete conjecture and I’m fully aware my own experience is making me raise my eyebrows- I could be totally wrong. My boyfriend’s ex did things like this for years after they broke up- mother’s day cards, Christmas cards, flowers, etc. They only dated for like 3 or 4 months and she met my MIL one time. It didn’t stop until she met the guy she’s married to now. My MIL thought it was really weird too. I knew his ex and she was not a fan of yours truly. I’m not even going to pretend it didn’t piss me off at first- which was probably her intent.
Anyway, LW- don’t be that girl. Be honest with yourself about why you want to send them something. And if it’s really just to thank them, then just send a card.
Assumptions, assumptions! Clearly I should have said “My GAY friend WHO IS COMPLETELY GAY AND NOT INTERESTED IN WOMEN. AT ALL.”
You can NEVER go wrong with a Thank You card. Never. So send them a nice card telling them that you appreciate all they do for you (and your other friends), and how you enjoy the time you spend with them and hope they have a great holiday season. You’ll come off as classy and with good manners.
Also, as I’ve gotten older, I tend to notice who sends thank you’s and who doesn’t. I try to ALWAYS send them now.
I think it would be appropriet to send a Holiday card to show your appreciation. Make sure you include a personal note that mentions a specific event or good memory you had with them. It really would be better to do this after every time they take you somewhere, but they can’t get mad at you showing you appreciation! I would skip the gift or baked goods, they may feel they should send something in return.
As a few other commenters mentioned, the Host/Hostess Gift is a great tradition that is being forgotten. I had no idea it exsisted untill I moved to the South. I am going to make a point to teach my children to bring a small token (cookies, candle, wine when they are older) when they are invited into someone’s home.
The card with specific mention of things you enjoyed doing with them is a great mop-up for the previous occasions. If (and I don’t think it does) it gives too much “hopeful future daughter-in-law” vibes to mail cookies or what-have-you, you can buy a round of drinks/snacks or buy a programme on your next event out.
I second the holiday parental threesome suggestion – only then can you ask their son out.
Wow, srsly? A person wants to buy a Christmas gift for folks she sees as practically-family and everyone reads this as YOU MUST WANT TO BONE THEIR SON!! ???
I must be living under the biggest rock in the world. LW, I can’t see why a small, sincere token of your appreciation of them would be misconstrued, or why the son/friend would have an issue with this. But then again, I do appear to be the crazy person (judging by the comments).
I think people are just pointing out that, in the spirit of the giving season, she should probably – in addition to getting his parents a gift or a card – wrap her wreath around his Yule log or hang a mistletoe above his candy cane. And that is a gift that keeps giving the entire year. Those who understand the true meaning of Christmas know that there is nothing more special than seeing two turtle doves caroling Joy To The World as he plants a gift in her pear tree.
Yeah, that is kind of strange to me, too. Sometimes a card is just a card. I have a (married, male) friend whose sister and husband let me stay with them whenever I am in town, whether my friend is around or not. They are generous people and this is how their family operates. Thank you cards and hostess gifts are nice traditions that shouldn’t die out. I can’t imagine anyone being offended or confused by a thank you.
Thank You!! I was thinking the same thing. Why does everyone need to assume that she likes him? I had TONS of platonic guy friends in college!
This is such a nice change from baby daddy/ex-boyfriend/terrible roommate drama letters!
*ahem*
Anyway, I second the “just send a card” sentiment. Send a holiday card and include a short, handwritten note thanking them for all their generosity over the past year. Then, the next time they visit and take you guys out, just send a thank-you note immediately afterwards. I don’t think a small token gift would be *horribly* inappropriate, but it’s completely unnecessary.
Most gifts are unnecessary, that’s what makes them so special.
i think a letter is also the best way to go. and if you want to get them something small, perhaps if they invite you to their home for any of these events you could bring a small hostess gift? doesn’t have to be anything big and would definitely be appropriate.
I am also a Midwestern girl and my parents have always been generous with my friends (especially feeding them dinner, both my sister and I had friends in high school who always seemed to show up around dinner time). There is nothing my mother would love more than a hand written thank you note – she’d prefer that to a generic gift of say a candle or an ornament (my parents don’t put up a Christmas tree and they are both particular on scents). However if there is something small and not too expensive that you know they would love (perhaps a bottle of their favorite type of wine or something else that you have heard them mention) that would be a lovely token either during Christmas or the next time you see them. If they are heavily involved in a charity then a contribution in their name would be much appreciated (my mom runs a nonprofit and gets super excited anytime one of my friends purchases one of her cookbooks).
Things are nice, but taking the time to write out a thank you note expressing your gratitude is never a bad move.
LW here… My friend is actually gay, so I don’t think anyone’s going to expect us to settle down and have babies. And I’m pretty sure we’re not secretly in love with each other. At the very least, I know I’m not HIS type, and I tend to go for guys who are actually interested in people of my gender.
Some of these comments seem a little off to me. I think people are looking way too far into the relationship between LW and the son and over dramatazing the significance of the thank you gift. I say send a Holiday card with a little note thanking them for all the wonderful times you’ve shared. I send out tons of Holiday cards. Many to people I don’t see that much of throughought the year. It’s a nice “I’m thinking of you during this speacial time” kind of thing. I couldn’t imagine for the life of me how either the friend or the parents would be taken aback by receiving a thoughtful holiday card during the holidays.
Having had the benefit of knowing that the friend is gay, here is my advice.
I think the holidays are a perfect time to say thank you and i totally agree with the baked good idea; I wouldn’t send anything purchased. You can write a thoughtful card expressing your thanks for their generosity through the year and that you wish them a merry christmas and a happy and healthy new year, with only butterflies and rainbows.
I disagree with the people who think that the holidays are a weird time to send a thank you; I think its perfect. Lots of people send people things during the holiday season, for no reason and you have a nice reason. Christmas cards anyone? So its not a weird time to be receiving things nor is a weird time to get unsolicited little presents. (I sometimes get cookies from a roommate of mine in college who i barely ever speak to. but it isn’t weird; its just the holidays.)
I would tell your gay platonic nonbabydaddy friend you are planning on sending his parents a card and cookies, and ask for the address, and gauge the reaction. If he looks weirded out, then maybe don’t do it. If he thinks its normal and happily gives you the address, go for it. I wouldn’t “ask” though, because if he’s as polite as his parents, he’ll tell you “no, there’s no need, they don’t expect anything” even if it wouldn’t be weird, and you won’t be able to gauge his reaction, because you’ll be forced to argue with it (“no no but i really want to!”).
You know you read too much DW when… Lol.
I got a nice chuckle out of this!
Always ask the friend first. Period. I’ve got a friend who’s mom I’ve only met in person twice. We live in the same town. We’ve got mutual friends that go way back. The thing is though, this woman has given me things. Old furniture, toys, bedding, dishes, etc. She was going to give them away, and decided that because I had four kids (like she did), that maybe I’d want them instead and asked her son.
She has benefited from her son’s friendship with me. Free crab, free halibut, cod, rockfish, free moose, goat cheese, veggies, berries (I have a few fishing buddies, and a friend with a goat farm that I help, and my boys and I berry pick anyways). Her son borrows my suburban on occasion to do dump runs for her (they both have small vehicles).
Every year, she does get a Christmas card from us. She also gets a birthday card and a Mother’s Day card. We may not talk, we may not see each other, but we do have a mutually beneficial relationship.
Again – ask the friend. It is never a bad idea to reciprocate and THANK someone for their generocity. A card at the very least.
I have a similar situation. i am still friends with my ex boyfriend’s mom…. we dated in high school. lol. we are really close- we email all the time, go out to lunch when we can, birthday gifts, christmas gifts, i make her cakes, whatever. it might be awkward for my ex to still have us be friends, but i want to show my gratitude for the things that she has done for me- and continues to do, even after her son and I broke up.
i think that no matter what, if you feel the need to express your gratitude in a physical way, then do it! personally, if i was in your situation, i would send them a nice card and have some flowers delivered to their house. its not weird. its especially not weird because they do stuff for you all the time. it may be a little weird if this was out of the blue… but if they are generous people, then i see no reason for you not to be generous back to them. thats all what christmas is about, anyway, right?
Sending a gift/card is never bad!