“Should I Invite The Office to My Wedding?”
Between the two separate companies, we are all friendly in the office. Phoebe started here maybe two or three years ago (I’ve been working here for 4 years), and we’re close in age. She and I sometimes go to lunch together and have hung out outside of work once. She’s been really helpful with wedding planning tips, recommending local caterers and offering an ear when I want to ask for advice or vent frustrations and that kind of thing.
Monica is new – she’s been working at the office just a few months – and I’ve barely spoken to her. I couldn’t even tell you her last name. It’s nothing against her, we’ve just never had that chance to really talk. Rachel is the boss of the other two and she started around the same time as Phoebe. I know her reasonably well, sometimes all the ladies in our office will go to lunch together in the summer. We haven’t had one of these lunches since Monica started, however, and probably won’t again until around the time of the wedding.
So which of these three ladies should I be inviting? I will definitely be inviting my five coworkers at my own company, there’s no question there. Despite sharing an office, our two organizations are very distinct and I have much more of a professional relationship with my own team. If I just invite my “true” coworkers but none of the other three, I doubt Monica or Rachel would feel snubbed. But Phoebe might. And besides, I want to invite Phoebe, but haven’t decided about Monica and Rachel.
If I invite Phoebe but not the other two, I think Rachel might feel snubbed. And if I invite everyone but Monica, it just seems rude to invite the whole office except one person. The simple solution would just be to invite everyone, but then I’m inviting four extra people (Monica, Rachel, and their potential dates) all for the sake of being able to invite Phoebe, who – to further complicate things – probably wouldn’t even be able to make it. Phoebe told me not long after we booked our date that some friends of hers from out of town are getting married the same day as me, and I’m not sure if which wedding she’d choose to attend.
This isn’t a question of finances. I am extremely fortunate in that my parents are paying for the wedding, and they’ve made it clear that they have no problems with anyone I want to include in the list. My fiancé is also supportive of whatever I decide. (For the record, he is inviting his whole office, but he’s planning on building a career there in a way I’m just not envisioning at my job – I’m not sure how much longer I’ll even be working here, or even in this industry.)
Basically, my question is this: is it worse to invite everyone and risk creating unnecessary feelings of obligations on the part of your coworkers (and maybe also appearing a little show-offy, like “oh look at me and my huge wedding,” because I don’t want people to think I’m just inviting casual acquaintances left and right for no reason) or is it worse to pick and choose certain coworkers, risking some people feeling snubbed?
And a side question – if I just bring one Save the Date to hang in the kitchen at the office, rather than handing them out individually to people to take home, does that imply I’m inviting the whole office? Or in my office’s case, would it only imply I’m inviting “my” team? — Saving the Date, Losing my Sanity
Good God, I’m glad my wedding-planning days are long, long behind me. To you and anyone else who is feeling anxious about which co-workers to invite to your wedding and who’s going to feel snubbed and who’s going to feel pressured to go out of obligation, this is my advice: invite the people you feel closest to and don’t worry about the rest. I promise you that some co-worker whose last name you don’t even know will NOT be upset to miss out on your wedding. You’ll be doing her a favor saving her the drama of coming up with an excuse to miss it.
Specifically, you should invite Phoebe if you want to — but only if you want to (and it sounds like you do). If you’re on the fence about Rachel and it’s partly dependent on whether Phoebe comes to your wedding, why don’t you ask Phoebe’s advice and whether she thinks she’d be able to make your wedding anyway? If she’s already been giving you wedding tips and providing a listening ear, it won’t be at all out-of-place for you to say, “Hey, I have a question. I want to invite you to my wedding but I understand you may have a different wedding to go to that same day and I don’t want you to feel pressured to come to mine. I simply want you to know I appreciate your friendship. If you can make it, great, and if you can’t, I totally understand. But I was hoping you might have some advice on whether I should invite everyone in the office. I wouldn’t want certain people feeling snubbed that I’m inviting you and maybe not including them.” Phoebe will have a sense of what your office culture is like and can confirm for you probably better than I whether people will give a flying you-know-what if they don’t score an invite to your wedding.
And, no, do not hang up a save-the-date card in your office, ESPECIALLY if you don’t plan to invite everyone.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
WWS, definitely mention it casually to Phoebe to see what she says, you might be needlessly worrying (if she cant make it to your wedding).
And I LOVE the choices of alias(es) hahaha
My head is spinning after reading this letter. I am not looking forward to wedding planning one day because people spend hours stressing over these little teeny things. I also feel no obligation to invite coworkers, ever. But that’s because I have a cold, cold, heart.
I must have a cold heart as well, I´ll never get why people feel obliged to invite coworkers (that aren´t friends), neighbours, parents friends, etc. Everybody should just invite the people they want sharing “their day”. If someone gets offended screw ´em.
My head is spinning, too. This site has really got me leaning towards “elope.”
WWS, 100%
I agree…invite Phoebe, leave out the other two. It’s what makes the most sense, if you’re closest with Phoebe. And of course, it wouldn’t hurt to ask her opinion on the matter. I also urge you to cut back on the over-analyzations, step back from everything, & breathe! Your letter isn’t totally frazzled-sounding, but you manage to weave in so many details & “ifs” & different angles that it’s clear you’re getting a little caught up. Don’t worry so much– the people you invite aren’t going to be like “look & this girl and her extravagant wedding!” & the ones you don’t invite will most likely understand.
Holy hell.
#1 – Do not hang a Save the Date in your office kitchen. It’s tacky.
#2 – It is not required to send local guests (or any guests) STDs so I would not send one to your office mates one at all. You might not be working at your company in 6 months and you do not want to be “stuck” inviting ex-coworkers. (STD equals a formal invitation in EVERY instance.)
#3 – Invite who you want to invite. End of story. If you only end up inviting Pheobe from the other office mention it nicely that she is the only one from her office invited and to please keep things quite.
And, be careful who you’re discussing wedding planning with. Over sharing information, asking people for their opinions, etc can give people the idea that they will be invited to your wedding. And please keep it off of Facebook. The whole world doesn’t need to know you e-mailed your florist 10 pictures with ideas.
Honestly, you should have been asking Monica for wedding planning advice instead of Phoebe. She’s kept binders full of wedding planning ideas for years.
WWS! I’m so glad that my wedding is over. Even more so after reading this letter.
LW, I didn’t send out save the dates, but I gave invitations to my eight closest coworkers and only half of them could make it. In general, you should anticipate a 20-25% decline percentage of your entire guest list. I wasn’t expecting it (26% of our total declined), and it was somewhat of a shock once all of the RSVPs came back. Good luck with the planning.
I have slightly different advice here, given that money isn’t the issue. I’d invite them all, and I’d bet that Monica will not come, and Rachel may not, either. I’ve worked in small offices like this before, and it is guaranteed that If the LW invites everyone but Monica and Rachel, there will be hard feelings at being left out. Is it petty? Yes. Is it silly? Yes. Will it happen? Yes. Especially if the LW has been going on and on about her wedding at the office. If the LW couldn’t afford it, I’d tell her to let people know it would be a small gathering of close friends and family, but if she’s willing and able to invite 7 or 8 of her 9 co-workers, and has no financial issues with inviting the rest, I’d spare myself the drama and invite the last one (or two), too. What’s the harm in this case?
And, please LW, do not under any circumstances put one Save The Date on the office fridge. That will just end poorly.
Yeah if you don’t know somebody’s last name you don’t have to invite them. My wife was put in this uncomfortable position when she started working her last job, she was there for maybe a month, and she got invited to a women’s wedding who wasn’t even in her department, but since it was such a small office the women thought she had to invite everyone, and that just made her feel a little weird about it. In the end though we didn’t go, and I’m glad we didn’t because a month into their wedding the guy cheated on her, and left her.
On and her last name is Geller-Bing.
My personal take on this is if you work in a small office, it’s best to invite everyone or no one. I work in an office of 15 people, and since I’m the kind of person that doesn’t really like to mix my work life with my personal life, I decided to just not invite any of my co-workers. That way no one felt left out, and I didn’t have to worry about acting like work-Kristen at my own wedding.
I agree that it would be a good idea to seek out Phoebe’s input. I would also suggest not sending Save the Dates to coworkers. What if you send save the dates to Rachel and Monica and one of them leaves the company before your wedding? Etiquette would dictate that you would still need to invite them to the wedding.
WWS. Definitely approach Phoebe first and ask her opinion about the situation. The main question you should be asking yourself FIRST is where is the venue of the wedding and how many people can I invite in the first place? Once you get the venue (and the dress) down, everything else gets easier. You do not need to be handing save the dates to your co-workers. If you’re going to request the time off for the wedding/honeymoon, a lot of your co-workers will probably know that your nuptuals are coming. Whether you still want to extend them an invite or not is up to you.
well, you could always do what a co-worker of mine did, and invite them after you have had some number of declines. my boss and i are pretty sure we were “second string” invitees, which is fine. i wasnt expecting being invited anyway, so it was a surprise. but, i do agree with a few people above, dont give them a save the date, just hand deliver an invite if you want them to go. thats what my coworker did, and it does make it much less formal and a whole lot easier.
i think that the pros of inviting everyone outweigh the cons of picking and choosing, especially because you are in such a small office. if i were you, id just invite everyone. its awkward though- i work for a pretty large company, and i thought about what i might do recently after my co-worker did his invites the way he did. i have NO IDEA what i would do!! its a stressful thing to think about… lol.
also, question, why would it be bad to just put a save the date in the kitchen, assuming she would then invite everyone? its a small office… i see it as giving a save the date to a whole family instead of individual members, is that bad too? i dunno, i dont see whats wrong with that. its not like they dont know shes getting married anyway…
Wendy had good advice, though I found her idea of what to say to Phoebe kind of long-winded to the point of coming across as slightly awkward and neurotic. I’d just tell her that I was planning to invite her to the wedding but wanted to gauge whether she thought she could make it and her opinion before inviting the rest of the crew. Aside from that, though, I’d probably just invite my office and Phoebe. No need to invite people that you aren’t super close with. You’re likely going to barely have time to interact with some of your close family members, much less acquaintances from work, so the others aren’t really going to be missing out on anything.
You are overthinking this! Just invite whom you want. I think sometimes brides get so deep into their wedding planning that they forget no one else cares as much about their wedding as they do (I don’t mean they don’t care at all – I just mean some brides get so caught up in the whirlwind that every little problem becomes magnified). Honestly, do you think the coworkers you barely know really want to be invited? I know I would not have any interest in attending a coworker’s wedding if we weren’t good friends.
Just to add my own experience here, I too work for a company with about six people (there were closer to 8 when I was sending out invitations a few months ago), and I struggled with this question too.
In the end, I invited my boss and one coworker I am closer to than the rest. I told them that unfortunately I couldn’t invite everyone in the office but that I was inviting them – that was so they would know to keep their mouths shut about it. In the end, neither came, since I got married far away. But I think it was the thought that counted.
My husband didn’t invite anyone from his current job. He had just started a new job a few months before and didn’t feel close enough with anyone there. He did, however, invite his former boss and coworker.
So yeah I agree – invite who you want, be discreet about it, and live with your decision guilt-free. You are not obligated to invite anyone to your wedding, and if non-invited coworkers try to make you feel differently they are being rude.
Really?
Invite them all with properly delivered save the dates and invitations. The culture of your small office(s) is inclusive and what an ass you’ll look by cutting just one or two out…particularly when these same women will most likely be part of any pre-wedding lunches or office showers you might be lucky enough to receive. You never know what the future brings. Someday Monica might become a good friend or your boss or your nanny, hm?
My advice (I’m getting married in 3 months so I have some experience with this stuff):
1. Your wedding is not that big of a deal to anyone but you. Its a little self-centered to think anyone will be SO snubbed by not being invited to your wedding, unless they think they are your best friend. Chances are Rachel knows that she’s the boss and not the best buddy. She might even think it inappropriate to go to your wedding if her underlings are there.
2. Don’t send local people Save the Dates unless they are also really close friends that you DEFINITELY want at your wedding. That preserves your flexibility to decide closer to the wedding date based on who you are close with 6 months from now. Who knows, you an Monica could become good friends. And Rachel could take a job in South Dakota, never to be heard from again.
3. Don’t post a Save the Date in the kitchen. Don’t talk excessively about your wedding at the office, even if you invite everyone. Don’t talk much about your wedding to people who aren’t invited. I don’t mean total radio silence, but certainly don’t go into the table linen saga or whatever, with people who aren’t invited. Also, don’t hand out invitations at the office. Mail them or meet people for coffee after work to deliver them. That just makes it more obvious who is invited and who isn’t, which is a total Mean Girls move: “None for Gretchen Wieners.”
This is why I’m glad I had a small, last minute wedding.
However, I’d have to agree with everyone else, only invite the people you want.
I say invite them all if money is not an issue. The ones who would feel awkward won’t go and let them sort out their feelings. I think best to receive and invite and decline rather than feel snubbed, but that is just my take. I remember years ago being new to a job and a girl I worked with was getting married, and had invited EVERYONE but me because she didn’t know me, and all I heard around the office was the wedding the wedding the wedding! THAT felt awkward since while I was happy for her, I wasn’t going to the event like everyone else was. My feelings weren’t hurt but I was glad when it was over and done with.
Pretty divided comments!
I’m on the all or none side, especially since you aren’t paying for it and like others pointed out, they may not even come. I don’t see the big deal about the save the dates on the fridge, but I don’t see the big deal about a lot of wedding related things.
It’s such a small office, I’d invite them all…
I invited 2 office friends to our wedding and they RSVPd so we paid the caterer for them and their spouses. None of them showed but they did give us a nice gift. I was disappointed but who am I to judge. 125+ friends did come and we all had a great time. I never said anything about it except that we had a wonderful party and missed them.
Your only looking at 18 possibles and most likely half or less won’t show up. If the budget allows, give them the invitations and let them make up their own minds. Years from now the expense will fade from memory. Why risk hurt feelings over a few dollars.
If you aren’t going to invite Ross, Chandler, and Joey don’t invite anyone.
Saving the Date, Losing my Sanity here (which, btw, Wendy, thank you for coming up with a cleverer handle than I could have ever done!).
Thank you Wendy and all the commenters for all your incredible input. Seriously. I never imagined this letter with this admittedly barely-even-a-real-problem “problem” would get so much response. This is great advice. A few clarifications/updates:
-I absolutely agree with those who said that just because my parents are paying doesn’t mean I shouldn’t give a thought to wasting someone else’s money. They’ve been very involved in the guest list this whole process and I damn well think they have the right to be, since they’re paying. I am extremely fortunate to have parents that are on the “upper” side of middle class and supportive of what we want out of our wedding, and I wouldn’t dream of exploiting that. All I meant by that is just that it’s really a non-issue – I’m not paying, it is well within my parents’ means, it’s really only a matter of a few extra people, and when I asked what they thought about this, they explicitly said “do whatever you think is best, we’re fine paying for whoever you want to come from work.” (Yes, my parents are awesome!) I just wanted to clarify that because I knew cost might come into play in Wendy’s answer so I figured I’d point out that that’s not why I’m asking.
-I think Wendy and others’ suggestion about approaching other coworkers who know our office culture well is great, and probably what I’ll do. I actually think I’ll ask some of my immediate coworkers, rather than Phoebe. That way I won’t put her in the awkward place of having to address the weird space that exists between the two organizations with someone who works across that gap. And I’m sure my immediate coworkers – some of whom have been there, done that, when it comes to weddings – will have valuable insights.
-I will probably skip the STDs for my coworkers all together, not every invited guest needs one. And yeah, the thought about the office fridge was a momentary idea that I realized even before Wendy posted her response would be tacky and awful.
-Yes, I am probably making a bigger deal out of this than I even need to. I am naturally a very stressful and anxious person so sometimes all of this stupid wedding crap completely overwhelms me. In some ways wedding planning has been so much fun and a really great source of closeness between my fiancé, myself, and all of our families. In other ways it has made me want to rip my hair out. When we first booked our date and I realized our engagement period would be about a year and a half, I was quite sure I’d be eloping by the end of it because I knew a lengthy period of wedding planning would exhaust me. But truthfully it hasn’t been as bad as I thought, so those of you saying “ahhh wedding planning sounds terrible!!”, it’s probably not as brutal as this letter implies. This is just a weird little situation I’m finding myself in because of the odd nature of our office environment. So don’t let my letter stress out all you future brides-to-be…unless you are also a naturally anxious and easily-stressed person, in which case, HAVE FUN WITH THAT. 😛