“Should I Tell My Kids Our Family Secret?”
A couple of years ago, my mother revealed to me and my brother, that in the years before she met my dad, she had had a relationship with a married man. As a result, she gave birth to twins, a boy and a girl, and had given them up for adoption. The girl, now a woman with her own grown son, found my mother and wanted to establish a relationship. Her own adoptive parents had both passed away and she was no longer married to the father of her son.
My mom was thrilled to welcome the daughter and, by extension, the son she had given up years ago back into her life. I was less sure of my feelings but was happy to see my mom be happy. However, my wife has never been comfortable with the revelation. As parents, we have been careful about what our children are exposed to. By openly acknowledging my biological half-sister and half-brother, eventually we will need to explain the nature of my relationship to them. It’s one thing to provide a moral compass for your kids so they know what kind of behavior is expected. It’s another thing to introduce them to an uncle and aunt who’s background you can’t explain easily without getting into facts of life about their grandmother they may not be ready to fully understand and put in context.
Now I’m feeling trapped. My wife has been unmovable on the topic and is dead set against any relationship. My mother (who lives far away and we see infrequently) has taken every opportunity to bring my half-siblings into her life – including them in every family occasion. I’ve met my half-brother – he lives near my mom and he has been at a couple of the holidays at my folks’ house. The kids have met him, too. However, I have a *large* family (50+ cousins) so the relationship has been left amorphous for now. I have only spoken with my half-sister on the phone. She lives farther away with her son but has been out to see my mom about three times a year.
As far as the kids know, my half brother is just another “cousin” who has been at family gatherings. I’ve even explained to my half-sister that I don’t have room in my life for a relationship with her. However, she remains undaunted. Is there a way out of this? I’ve been struggling with this for almost three years but it seems hopeless. — Bio Hazard
The first thing you need to do is figure out your own feelings in regards to your biological half-siblings and your mother’s past. You say that when you found out about them, you were happy for your mother for welcoming them back into her life, but you were less sure about your own feelings. Are you any more sure three years later? If you aren’t, then the source of tension in your life is actually a little more in your control than you think it is. Because if you’re ambiguous about your feelings, then of course it’s going to be difficult for you to take a stand in this familial situation.
As long as you are unsure of your own feelings and what kind of relationship you want with your half-siblings, it’s easier to let your wife or mother decide, which I think they’d both be happy to do for you. They don’t agree though, complicating things further. So, get to the bottom of your own feelings – counseling can help – and then take a stand.
Your wife doesn’t have a right to dictate the status of your relationships with family members. And she only remains “unmovable” on the topic because you aren’t trying to move her. You aren’t trying to move her because you’re ambiguous about what kind of relationship you even want with these new family members. And if you can’t be sure what kind of relationship you want, then how can you know what sort of relationship you’d like your children to have with them? Figure these things out and then push for what you want.
In the meantime, I don’t see why there’s any rush to decide anything. If you’ve never even met your half-sister, and you live far enough away from your mother and half-brother than you’ve only seen them a handful of times in the last three years, why not keep up the whole cousin facade until you’ve figured out a good way and a good time to explain more to your children? You don’t have to give them the whole story all at once. Just because you decide to tell them that they have an aunt and uncle doesn’t mean they have to know those people are products of their grandmother’s extramarital affair. Dole out the information in bits and pieces as they’re able to process it in an age-appropriate manner.
And, look, providing a moral compass for your kids is fantastic, but revealing that a family member hasn’t always led a perfect or pure life isn’t exactly going to turn that compass on its side. Part of teaching kids important life lessons includes the idea of redemption, and illustrating that people make mistakes but that those mistakes don’t have to define them as people or ruin their lives forever. One of the very most important things you can teach a kid is that people are still lovable even after making mistakes — that just as you love your mother despite decisions she may have made many years ago that you don’t agree with, you love her as much as you always have, just as you’ll love your kids when — not if, but when — they make decisions you don’t approve of.
Providing a moral compass for your kids doesn’t mean drawing them a direct map to their destiny, avoiding every potential pitfall and roadblock along the way; it means giving them tools to make smart and guided decisions and the ability to handle themselves when they don’t always succeed. It seems to me that your unique family situation provides a perfect opportunity to teach your kids that even detours and wrong turns can lead to wonderful destinations.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
One: kids, especially ones as old as tweens (who probably already know the facts of life) are able to grasp a lot of weird things. Just tell them that your mother had an affair with a married man, which is not a good idea, but she ended up having twins and giving them up for adoption. They’ll get it and probably won’t immediately jump to, “Gee, I should have an affair with a married man too!” I know in my life, all the weird details about my father’s family that my mother shared me with me as soon as I started asking questions didn’t mess up my “moral compass.”
Two: your wife sounds like a nutter. She’s banning you from interacting with family? That is super-controlling and I’m pretty sure it’s some form of abuse.
I don’t see why he would need to bring up the fact that Grandma had an affair. Just say, Grandma had two babies before she was ready to take care of them, but she loved them and wanted the best for them so she gave them to a family who could give them what they needed.
I don’t think somebody else’s affair is a 13 year olds business.
The grandmother seems willing to let her grandchildren know at least some of the nature of the relationship. You don’t have to let the kids know that the man was married, at least at this point, but letting them know about the relationship between the LW and the half-siblings doesn’t seem like a problem. Kids are willing to accept a lot of things, and if they find out at a younger age, I think they will be able to deal with it better. This isn’t something that’s going to scar them.
Your wife is being controlling and judgmental. If you want to have a relationship with them, you need to have a long conversation with your wife.
Yeh I think that Tweens could easily grasp this situation. I’m sure some of their friends even have wacky family situations of their own that they’ve heard of. If you do decide to expose this to your children, include the necessities and hold off on the “affair with a married man” part until you feel it’s appropriate. I mean if your kids were 5 or 6, yes this may be beyond their comprehension. But if they are 11 or 12 they understand more than you think. Plus, you don’t want one of your other 50 cousins revealing this information at a family function before you get a chance to tell them yourself.
You make a very good point. Unless he makes sure that more than 50 people are all aware that his kids don’t know the relationship between them it would be impossible for him to make sure no one says anything. This isn’t the 1950s. The grandmother wasn’t married and it was before she met his dad. This isn’t as scandalous as he is making it out to be.
The first thing that struck me about this is that the affair with the married man is the LEAST important thing about this scenario, especially from the perspective of YOUR family. I mean, your mother didnt cheat on HER husband, your father, and she did the right thing in adopting out two children who may have had more complicated lives if she hadn’t. Now she is able to welcome them back into her life, and they are mature and balanced enough to slide right on into a large family.
Your kids surely don’t need to know the affair part until they are much much older, if at all. All families have little things they don’t speak about, to make daily life easier. As far as your kids are concerned, their grandma had twins before she met their grandfather, and wasn’t able to look after them, so gave them to another couple who became their parents. Standard adoption story, really. If the pre-marital sex story is the one your wife objects to telling your kids, well she better make sure they never watch television, read a book, or look at billboards. Or go to public school.
About figuring out your own feelings, I’m with Wendy. Take your time, as long as it is your own time, and not anyone else’s. Your kids will be ok.
I didn’t realize before I replied that the mother wasn’t married to the LW’s father when she gave birth to the twins. I completely agree with you that the way to approach it is to say that she wasn’t ready to be a mother and gave them to a family that could better raise them. In my opinion, there is absolutely nothing scandalous or awful about that. In fact, it shows her maturity about the situation that she was able to do the right thing.
I’m not sure what the wife finds so horrible about that. Has she never made any mistakes of her own?
This is why I assumed she was either very, very conservative about her views on pre-marital sex (in which case, since the outcome was adoption I just give up on her) or she had issues with her mother-in-law previously anyway and is looking for an excuse to drift further away from the family. Obviously this is speculation, and I hope there is another reason that was not made too clear in the letter, but it upsets me that someone’s partner cannot see the good in this story.
I was wondering this too… whether or not the wife had existing issues with her MIL. I realize that the LW may be struggling with his feelings about having two half siblings that he never knew about… but why would this upset the wife so much to the point of banning a relationship? I don’t get it. It’s ridiculous and controlling.
She may have her own viewpoints on pre-marital sex but what the LWs mother did like 40 years ago isn’t really anybody’s business to judge, and the wife should be supportive of the confusion the LW is going through.
Every family has its own unique blend of secrets and proverbial “skeletons in the closet” and sheltering your kids from your family’s own is not doing anything to strengthen their sense of morality. If anything, I think the lesson is in how to overcome those situations that aren’t ideal, and how to accept people and love them, mistakes and all. By dismissing your half-siblings for something that was beyond their control, you are limiting yourself and your kids from relationships that perhaps may be enriching and enlightening. As a middle school teacher, I’ve seen my share of family issues, and yes, you would be surprised how much kids will take for granted in regards to their own family situations. The important part in raising them is not providing an easy, issue-free existence, but guiding them through those times that are learning experiences with the emphasis on acceptance and love.
Show by your example and welcome your half-siblings into your family as your mother has. Your kids will be better people for it.
Are you the parents that homeschool your children to protect them from the dredges of society?
Really this isn’t that scandalous of a story – the married man issue need not be brought up till your kids are much older. I think it’s extremely ridiculous of your wife to ban these relationships seemingly because they occurred out of wedlock…? I really hope they don’t judge you for it if you ultimately decide to have these relationships because I would certainly feel judged by your wife if I was either of your half-siblings.
Decide what you want (which I’m hoping is the inclusive route) and sack up.
I’m curious why you weren’t happy to find out you have stable and healthy siblings you never knew about? Especially since it happened before your father was even in the picture.
ITA! The whole time I was reading this, all I could think was that this is the proverbial “mountain from molehill” situation. Just keep letting the kids think your half-sibs (who I hope the LW decides he actually wants a relationship with!) are long-lost cousins and don’t tell them the whole story until they’re in high school. The end!
LoL. Your first sentence reminds me of the friend I had in high school (yes, high school) who was not allowed to come over to my house because my parents were divorced and I had a single mother. I guess they thought that setting foot in the home of a divorced woman would defile her.
Once I slept over at her house and we watched the movie Armageddon, and her father had the remote and fast forwarded through every scene where Ben Affleck kissed Liv Tyler and every scene where there was any yelling. We were 15 years old and her father would not let us watch two people kiss in a movie.
I went to college at a private Lutheran school and encountered many people who had lived extremely sheltered lives like that. I’d say at least 80% of them went straight out wild after a little time in college. Drugs, drinking, sex, anything that would go against what their parents had protected them from.
If you ARE the type of conservative parents who don’t believe in premarital sex and are trying to convince your children to not engage in it, then why are you not capitalizing on such a great “teaching moment” ?
“Look what happened when grandma had sex: pregnancy, twin babies, adoption, a fractured family”
While I would personally use situation to illustrate the importance of using contraceptives, if that doesn’t jive with your beliefs, you can change this “cautionary tale” so that the moral of the story is abstinence.
So basically, I see this situation as “win-win”; your kids get to know your half siblings AND grandma’s ordeal will most likely scare them into rocking the purity ring for a year or two longer than they might have otherwise.
* quotations denote sarcasm
My mother had a daughter when she was in high school and she gave her up for adoption after she turned a year old (there were many other things going on in the family, including my mom losing both of her parents by the time she was 15). My sister is now back in our lives and has been for about 5 years and she is very much part of the family. I knew about her since the minute I could start asking questions about who the little girl in the photo album was and couldn’t wait to meet her one day.
Anyway… the moral of my story is – it may not work out in every case, but it seems to be working great in your mother’s life. If you have never given up a child for adoption, you have no idea what it feels like – especially if you go on to have more kids later. My mom once told me (when I was 23) that when I was born, she had a really hard time because when I would cry and she would try to go to me, she would suddenly get very sad because I wasn’t my sister. It is such a difficult thing to deal with for anyone.
And to address your specific problems – Wendy is right. You need to figure out how YOU feel about this. Don’t think about how your wife feels or anything else but how YOU personally feel and whether you want a relationship with them. And as far as the “moral compass” for your kids… use it as a teaching tool. You can’t protect them from ever knowing anything bad in this world. You know what my mom taught me? She taught me that she made a mistake by having premarital sex as a teenager, got pregnant, and had to give her child up for adoption. She taught me, through my sister’s existence, that I should think before acting, wait to have sex until I was ready, and use protection if I didn’t wait. It is an excellent teaching tool and if your half-brother and half-sister are decent people, I am a firm believer that the more family you have to support you and for you to support, the better. That is just one more person to love and to have love you and your kids. Please don’t hold your mother’s indiscretions against your half-siblings or your children.
And always remember… it will come out eventually. Think of how your kids might react/feel if you don’t tell them and purposely keep it from them and they find out some other way (because they will). But first and foremost, you really seem to need to examine your own feelings on this.
And one more thing – for you, your kids, your wife and your mother – they do have support groups available. My mother attends a birth parent support group and when my sister was first in our lives, I attended a birth-sibling support group for people who were reunited with siblings who were given up for adoption. This might be a good idea for you to be able to work out how you feel about it and help you cope with whatever decision you make (as well as get objective opinions).
Yes, there is a way out of this… by completely giving up your relationship with your mother and with all of your siblings that have accepted these half-siblings into your life. If your children have other cousins, it won’t be long before someone slips and says “Uncle half-brother, Aunt half-sister, and cousin whoever.” Your kids will probably be hurt that they were the only ones not included in this knowledge, especially if they have younger cousins that knew before them.
I also don’t think you’re giving your kids enough credit here. You say they are in their teen years. My (half-) sisters have always known that our father was married to my mother first. When my youngest sister was maybe 4 or 5, one of the older ones made a comment about my parents being divorced and I said “(baby of the family) doesn’t understand divorce.” And she piped up “YES I DO! Your mommy was married to our daddy, but they didn’t love each other anymore. So they got a divorce and then daddy married our mommy. That’s why you’re my sister and so is (other sisters) even though we have different mommies.” Kids get it.
And yes, I agree with others that you need to sort out your own feelings first. But if you really feel that this story will so drastically change your kids moral compass, then that leads me to believe that you gave them shaky foundation to begin with. If you’ve raised your kids well, you’ve been able to teach them that people make mistakes in life, but they shouldn’t be persecuted forever for it. If you don’t want to reveal the part about your mother’s affair right away, then don’t. But use this as a lesson to teach your children about the proper moral compass. “Grandma had children that she couldn’t take care of, so she loved them enough to give them up for adoption. It must have been a very difficult decision for her, but sometimes the right choices in life aren’t easy.”
I agree that kids understand a lot more than we adults tend to give them credit for understanding.
Yes. And also, with “50+ cousins,” there’s a good chance they have already heard rumors about the new people, or even know everything outright.
Ok, not to be harsh, but how is it the LW’s wife’s call whether or not the LW has a relationship with his half-siblings? Something about this letter left me with a bad taste in my mouth concerning her, but I’m not sure if that’s just the LW blaming his indecision on her or not…
I guess I just don’t understand how this is a problem. These people sound kind of uptight…I guarantee that “tweenage” children know where babies come from, and all you have to tell them is that Grandma had kids before she met Grandpa, she gave them up for adoption so they could have a better life than she could give them at the time, and now they’re back in touch. You can even make sure to explain to them that they’re not obligated to treat the new people like “aunt and uncle” if they don’t want to, but just to think of them like cousins you see every once in a while.
As for your “moral compass,” I’m not sure how anyone did anything “bad” or “wrong” in this scenario (you have no idea what circumstances led to your mother’s affair, so how about a little “judge not?”), so again, I don’t really see what you (or, as it sounds more like, your wife) are so worried about here. Worried your kids are going to go out and start having sex with married people because they think it’s ok? If anything, this situation will serve to show them the consequences of getting pregnant before you’re able to care for a possible child!
Also, telling someone you don’t have “room” in your life for a relationship is baloney. You just don’t WANT a relationship with your half-siblings because they upset your perfect life.
This won’t be the first time children of this age have heard a story where someone does something morally questionable. Though I don’t think you should dump out all the details immediately (i.e., just say she had children before their grandpa, though they probably will ask with who, etc), it’s not going to be a big deal. Parents tend to think that their kids are only exposed to the things that THEY expose them, too. Which is not true. You wouldn’t believe the things that kids hear about at school, on TV, from friends, etc.
I remember how my mom wouldn’t want me to watch TV shows where teens had sex because she thought it would teach me that teens had sex (she told me they didn’t, as though I would believe that). Hearing about other things people were doing didn’t make me do them or want to do them. If I had been told that my grandma had children with a married man, I wouldn’t just decide it’s a good idea. Kids don’t think like that, something you should recall from your own childhood.
The only thing I’d warn you about is, don’t go to such extreme lengths to make the kids know that you think what their grandma did is wrong that you make her look like a bad guy. They will hear you if you simply say that it’s wrong, so you don’t need to keep on about it or they might infer that you’re trying to make them think badly of her, which is not the point.
Maybe the LW isn’t worried that his kids will think that having sex with a married man is a good idea, but that they will now see Grandma differently and maybe not as “pure.”
My grandmother was an army nurse during WWII and came back pregnant. She met and married my grandfather when my aunt was 3 years old. My aunt never had contact with her birth-father and always considered my grandfather her dad since he was the person who raised her. I found out this piece of family history when I was in middle school and it barely made a blip on my radar. Kids are flexible and willing to accept people – it is adults that have the problem. Sort out your feelings and decide what place you want your siblings to have you in life. Also do not let your wife bully you about this, it is not her choice to make.
Does your wife have a vendetta against your mother? It doesn’t seem like any of these people are a bad influence on your children, and she’s just being a stick in the mud. I understand not wanting to encourage your kids to have illegitimate children with married people, but they don’t need to know all the details. They don’t even really need to know it was out of wedlock. All you need to say is that Grandma had children before you were born, and she could not properly take care of them at the time and therefore gave them up for adoption. There is nothing shameful about that. Your wife is creating drama where it doesn’t belong, and putting tension on both your relationship with her and with your mother.
My grandmother’s story was that she and Grandpa got married at town hall, but she felt bad about it and they got remarried 3 months later in the Catholic Church. We found out after her death that the whole “Town hall” myth was to explain away the fact that my mom was born 6 months after the wedding. While the story was interesting, it did not change our feelings about Grandma. Like Mom said,”Who cares? She could have aborted me”. With that spin on it, we realized that Grandma and Grandpa were honorable people who faced up to their predicament in the best way possible. Miss you always, Grandma and Grandpa.
I’m confused as to why you have to divulge exactly how your mother became pregnant. Your children even if sheltered are not stupid, I’m sure if you explained (leaving out the affair) that she had to give up the children because she wasn’t able to take care of them then that they would understand. Why is your wife so against meeting them and having a relationship with them? I think like Wendy said it seems like you’re still unsure and I think that’s fine, to still be thinking things through as to how you want to deal with it. But, don’t confuse that with people not allowing you to have the relationship you want.
I would like to add that when I saw the title I was very excited to read about the juicy piece of gossip… and I am just underwhelmed by the “secret”. Like, that’s it?
To reiterate Wendy’s point-I think it’s a major disservice to your kids to shelter them from situations that might not pass your moral compass test. Explaining situations like these is a perfect way to teach right and wrong to your children, how people can change, and that good things can come out of a bad situation. You can’t pretend these types of things don’t happen. If you do, your kids are in for a RUDE awakening whenever you CAN’T shelter them from the “real world” once they are older. Both of my parents had family members who made questionable life choices and they slowly revealed them to my sister and I as we aged. For us, it served as examples of what can happen to you if you make bad decisions, and how you can turn your life around even when it seems hopeless. We were not traumatized in the least by these revelations, and I can say knowing these stories helped keep me on the straight and narrow!
From your half-siblings’ perspective– It’s hard enough to be put up for adoption when you’re a child, then to have your adopted parents die, THEN to have members of your biological family act like you have the plague just because of the extramarital relationship their parents had. What in the world did those (now grown) children do wrong? Nothing! They were born into this situation, they didn’t choose it.
LW–it’s really not your wife’s place to make this decision (as Wendy and others have said), it’s something you have to decide for yourself. I think life is too short and family is too precious to ever tell someone you “don’t have room for them in your life”. Wow, what a hurtful thing to say to someone who is reaching out to her family for love and acceptance, but that’s just my opinion. Good luck, I know this has been a difficult thing to deal with and I do hope you will make the decision to include these people in your children’s life. There is no such thing as having too many loving family members!
All of these about overprotctive parents reminded me . . .
Growing up, my dad was adamant that my sisters and I weren’t allowed to watch sex on tv or in movies. However, we were allowed to watch violence. Really mom and dad? Please explain that to me. I knew what was going on in Pretty Woman, as all my friends had seen it. I even stayed with an aunt and uncle for a long weekend and they allowed me to watch Dirty Dancing.
Anyway, I learned about sex through friends. Not my parents. I never rebelled. I was responsible when I decided to have sex. But I wish my parents were more open about that kind of stuff. LW – talk to your kids. They’ll appreciate you more for being open and honest. I promise.
Also, LW, I’m curious to know what your brother thinks about this new development. Have you talked much to him about it? Maybe talk to him more instead of your wife. And as everyone has said, the half siblings are innocent bystanders in this. Don’t begrudge them because you’re mad at your mom or your wife is super controlling.
Wendy seemed to focus on the LW figuring out what relationship he wanted to have, and pointed out that he could teach his children about forgiveness by not vilifying their grandmother. But all I could think was that you are teaching your children to be immoral if you are teaching them not to accept your half-siblings simply because they don’t share your father and were adopted. That isn’t your siblings’ fault and you are teaching your children an abominable lesson by not accepting your siblings.
You can’t prevent your children from knowing that other people in the world don’t meet your standards of conduct. Informing your children of your siblings’ existence does not mean you have to approve of what your mother did. You can tell your kids that she made a mistake and use it as a way to further your moral teachings to your children. But, jeez man, your moral compass is way off if you think hiding this from your kids is more importance than showing love, compassion, and acceptance towards your siblings.
LW – Your children will find out about their Aunt and Uncle one way or another. Family secrets hardly ever stay secret, and you have a very large extended family. Someone will slip up and tell them eventually. And when they do find out, what they will learn is that if they do something you or your wife don’t approve of, you will not accept them. Is that the lesson you want your kids to take away? Your mother made a mistake decades ago, don’t contiune to judge and punish her. People can be redeemed and forgiven. Include compassion in your children’s moral compass.
When my mother was about 32 yrs old, she learned of a half-sister. This sister had been fathered by my grandfather but he was not part of her life and when her mother married, Aunt J’s step-father adopted her. Aunt J was young enough that she didn’t remember and only found out about the adoption as an adult. At which point she searched out her biological father’s family (my grandfather had passed away several years earlier so she never got to meet him).
I was about 9 or 10 yrs old when this all came to light. And I was brought right along with the rest of the family to meet her for the first time. She had children close to my age and I got some new cousins. My mother and her siblings all had different feelings on the matter of this unknown sister but for me, it was not that big of a deal. Sure I was curious about the circumstances and my mother was very straightforward with me about it. I was old enough to know people sometimes had babies without being married. My biggest issue was that my grandfather had been enough of a tool to abandoned this woman after finding out she was carrying her child. And yet with all of this right there in our own extended family, my parents still managed to raise me with very conservative values (ie: I did not have sex before marriage).
I really think the LW’s wife (and by extension he himself) is making way too big a deal out of this. Children are adaptable and teachable and much less shocked by the things we think we’re protecting them from. If you’ve done your job in teaching them your values, by the time they’re tweens, kids should be able to handle the idea that not everyone shares their values – or can make mistakes even if they do – without it shattering their own sense of right and wrong.
I’m sorry, but I just don’t understand the problem here. The kids are tweens, not 6 year olds. You don’t have to tell them your mother had an affair, just that she had kids she wasn’t able to take care of. They’re old enough to understand the concept of adoption and half-siblings. Unless you’ve been keeping them in the basement for their entire lives and never exposing them to the outside world of course. In fact, they’d probably be EXCITED to know they have an aunt and uncle they didn’t know about before. Where, oh where is the part of this situation that’s a big deal?
If you want a relationship with your half brother and half sister, tell your wife that. I think you’re torn because her reaction and your mom’s reaction were so different. I get it. Just have a heart-to-heart with YOURSELF first. What do YOU want out of this? Do you want to reach out to your half siblings? This may sound harsh, but honestly it’s not your wife’s family so she really needs butt out and just be supportive of what YOU want out of this. It sounds like their intentions and your mother’s intentions are good. It’s not something where they’re trying to infiltrate your family; they genuinely WANT to develop a relationship with your mother, you, and the rest of your family. Honestly, I don’t see anything wrong with that. Like others have said, the whole truth doesn’t have to be exposed.
I don’t really have time to read Wendy’s whole response or the whole letter right now but all I can say: wife sounds like a bitch. Don’t ban me!
I recall when I was a kid that my friend’s dad had to reveal to her & her brothers that he had another daughter, and the kids took it well. My friend was about ten when this secret was revealed, but her brothers were much younger. Secret sister even got to come and stay for summers and the family got along well. Obviously this is a bit different, but it shouldn’t be totally up to your wife to decide if *YOUR* family is going to be in *YOUR* life. What other things does she have total control over? Hello, compromise?
I understand your desire to provide good moral examples for your children and your hesitation to show them grandma’s mistake. You can look at the pros and cons of sharing this information with your children. I think that ultimately your interests (you and your wife) are best served if you share this with your children. That way you can make the moral points you wish to emphasize as your children learn about this situation. If they hear through other family members then you won’t be able to include your own opinions. Example narrative – You can tell them that grandma had children that she couldn’t take care of and placed them for adoption. Point out that this was emotionally painful for grandma and caused her pain for years. If you tell them that grandma couldn’t take care of the babies because she wasn’t married that is the time to say that the rules of society are designed to protect you and make your life easier and that when grandma didn’t follow them it made her life much more difficult. Grandma made a bad choice that made her life more difficult and gave her lots of sadness but she also followed the poor choice with a wonderful choice to place her babies for adoption so that they could have a better life than she could provide. So, give a narrative to your children that emphasizes your values and your take on the situation and how it has affected the life of grandma.
I think that a negative of not telling your children is that they will still probably find out sooner or later but the message for that situation is that we don’t talk about certain things in our family and keep them secret. If that is the message they get from you and your wife then they will know that if they ever find themselves in a bad situation they shouldn’t go to you and your wife with it. If either had an out-of-wedlock pregnancy they would know they had to hide it from you, perhaps have an abortion to make the entire situation go away. So there are negative implications to trying to keep this secret.
I do think you have to come to an agreement with your wife because your marriage is your closest and most important relationship. It comes before the relationship with your mom and before the relationship with your newly discovered siblings. You need to talk this through until you come to a concensus that you can both live with or the strain will keep eating away at your marriage and that isn’t good for either of you or your children.
It isn’t wrong of you and your wife to want to protect your children but does secrecy really protect them or does it just lead to more secrets and to children who feel they must hide everything from their parents because that is the implicit message to secrets.
My husband and I found out a few years ago that he had an older brother who had died just after being born. He had never been told about this brother because he was conceived out of wedlock and then the parents were married. The baby was born eight weeks prematurely and so the birth was way too soon after the marriage and so his parents hid this for years. His mom finally said something because she was afraid that if she didn’t tell her kids would discover this after she died and they would come across a birth certificate for a child they had never heard of so she told them. My two kids, a 16-year-old boy and 7-year-old girl at that time, both knew immediately and it hasn’t had a negative affect on either of them. Obviously our son got the full implication of out-of-wedlock sex and our daughter didn’t. My son and I have talked about this and how the baby was an innocent but the whole situation made his grandparent’s lives more difficult than they needed to be and created alot of pain for them and their parents since they lost a baby they felt could never be mentioned.
I have little patience for parents who want to hide things from their kids, especially if they are worried that the revelation will somehow confuse their “moral compass.”
Look, this is a great teaching opportunity to show your kids that families take many forms and that the past is not perfect or sugarcoated, LW. Unless you’re delusional enough to think that they will always do exactly as they are “supposed to” (which would be an impossible standard anyway), your kids could really benefit from hearing how the story came to be and how it worked out over their grandmother’s lifetime. That way *when* they make a mistake, even a big one, they can know that it is not the end of the world and deal with the consequences appropriately.
I think you need to examine your own “moral compass,” LW. What part of you is hard-hearted and refusing to let your biological siblings (who seem to want to be in your life…and what part of your wife is doing the same? Could it be that this is really coming from a place of fear? I can’t comprehend why having more family members would be a horrible shameful thing.
Why not let the kids make the decision after talking to them about the situation? Or are you and your wife too interested in shielding them and controlling their moral compasses?
Why does this have to be so dramatic? Your kids will follow your lead on how to view this situation, so if you don’t sell it as a scandal, then they won’t treat it as such.
For instance, before I was born, my maternal grandmother passed away in a tragic accident. My grandfather remarried shortly after to a close family friend. Apparently there was a lot of anger among my aunts and uncles about the circumstances, for many years. But, y’know what? My mother never mentioned that part of the story when I was a kid. Because she left out any drama or judgment when discussing my grandma-in-law, I never thought very hard about the situation, and it didn’t effect my moral compass in the slightest.
Explain the situation to your kids in brief fashion, and feel free to leave out any gory details. I guarantee you that they won’t even be that curious, if you don’t blow it out of proportion. For the most part, kids could not care less about their grandparents’ sex lives!!
I kind of understand the conflict LW feels. I was adopted and my bio siblings were very aggressive in trying to establish a relationship with me. I just did not want to know them, as harsh as that sounds. While my parents pushed me to meet them, I would have used them as a scapegoat if they objected, as LW uses his wife, to stop from meeting them. I did meet them eventually and had to tell them to back off. I said I was sorry if I hurt their feelings but that I was happy with the family and friends that I had established, and that I did not want a further relationship. For some people, like me, biology does not really count for anything. It would be a different situation if I was orphaned and people kept memories of my parents alive, but that is about the only exception. People may call the LW heartless but he has to decide what makes him comfortable.
When I was about 8, I was at my Grandparent’s house (right across the street from my own), and I remember a woman, about my parent’s age, showing up with a little girl. They were talking to my Grandfather, and I didn’t know what was going on. So, curious little girl that I was, I ran to my mother and asked who that lady was. Turns out, my Grandfather had been married before, and had a little girl who had grown into that lady that visited. He divorced the woman, and then met my Grandmother. I remember looking at the woman, and politely introduced myself with my mother’s encouragement.
I was raised Catholic, and I can tell you, never once was that “moral compass” subverted because I learned my Grandfather had married and divorced before. As a kid, I shrugged it off. Sure, I knew about it, but it didn’t change Gramps, and it certainly didn’t make me question the man I’d grown up with every day of my life.
The kids don’t need to know every detail, but they should know. Eventually, it is going to come out. I can’t tell you how mad I’d be at my parents if they weren’t honest to me, and I found out later. It’s a lie. And, what does one’s moral compass say about them?
ok, i’m sorry, but people like this really annoy me.
“As parents, we have been careful about what our children have been exposed to.”
As parents, your responsibility is to teach your kids about LIFE. not to sheild them from every bad thing in the world, and freaking LIE to them to cover up something that in the grand scheme of things is really not that big of a deal… grandma killed someone back in the day? big deal. grandma was raped and beaten by her first husband and all your aunts and uncles are products of those rapes (that is a true story, btw)?- thats a big deal. grandma was with a man and gave up two sweet babies to a loving family for their benefit, and now has miraculously found them again? thats a really sweet story, the things that those aweomse youtube videos set to inspirational music is about. your grandma really didnt technically do anything wrong- she had sex. the other guy was the dirtbag who was married. she made the very hard and probably correct desicion to let these children grow up in a loving home and now by some act of god or fate or whatever you get to have these people in your kids lifes! i honestly hope you understand how amazing that is. my family is all messed up and refuses to speak to each other. both of my parents are one of 5 kids. and i have met a couple of my aunts and uncles, maybe ONCE. I have cousins and second cousins and whatever other family-related people you can have all over the world and I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT THEIR NAMES ARE.
your getting a chance to connect to people related to you by blood. honestly, i seriously wish that I was you. i wish that I found out that i had some relatives that I never knew about who actually wanted to see me and be a part of my live. you are ruining a very awesome thing, and i dont even know how to explain how angry i am about that.
you should tell you children what happened, and you should be honest about what happened.
I was adopted, along with my sister and two cousins, and we were always aware of the fact. We were told at a young age, and as I got older, my parents added more details. At around 16, my mom told me the whole story, and I think that it helped shape my idea of a healthy relationship and life more than hinder. My birthmother was obviously abused and taken advantage of, and hearing her story taught me a few lessons that my parents never could have.
I think if your teenaged children are given most of the story, they’ll come to the same conclusions. Even though you have an already large family, I’m sure they’ll be excited to hear they have another aunt and uncle. And while I don’t know your half-brother and -sister, maybe you’re denying your children some great relationships with them (and their cousin!).
EVERY family has skeletons in their closet. They’re going to find out sooner or later; why not tell them now and have the chance to explain the whole situation, instead of keeping it a secret and having them find out when they’re older, only to resent you?
my grand mother was caught out twice, in the nineteen twenties! It was only a problem for those who did not know the truth, she did her best, they were accepted as family, and it made granny human! It also explaianed some of her hang ups, which was very useful. A skeleton found in a cupboard can be frightening, but one out in the open is just old bones! This is one case were only the truth can make you free!
I agree with Wendy’s recommendation to dole out information to your children in pieces, over time. My parents elected to drop a family secret bomb on me when I was 22 – somewhat similar to your situation in that my grandmother had an extramarital and that one of my aunt’s was actually a half-sibling to my mother. Ideally, I would have preferred learning this earlier than 22, and I harbored some resentment towards my parents for waiting as long as they did, which I have resolved. I 100% agree with Wendy that acknowledgment of other’s mistakes/choices in life can be an invaluable learning experience for your children. I for one, was always offended by my grandmother’s harsh and judgmental nature in regard to my relationships. Upon learning this information, I now feel that she has no right to judge and I’ve become able to brush off her comments with ease. Good luck!
Speaking as an adoptee, your wife needs to chill out! she has no control over your family history, and nether do you.
Just look to your Mother and how she is reacting to things,
I have experienced reunion with biological parents and I really noticed the cycles of emotions that both myself and my biological family went through.
from your Mums stand point It sounds like she is pleased with the situation as it stands, however there is a real honeymoon faze with reunions. She will have ALOT of emotional back lash to come from years of shame, deception, guilt and heart ache that WILL come to the surface, it is hard to reconcile day dream with reality and she dispite giving them up will have had an active internal expectation of what they will amount to and achieve with the “better life” she was giving them.
What about YOU and how you are feeling about these long lost mysterious children that share DNA and potential physical and character trates with? Dont be afraid that they are trying to slip back into the folds of your family structure, generally that is not the case. I would go as far as to guess that in light of their adopted parents dying, medical information would be up high up there (there is nothing like the death of a parent to make you question you mortality, let alone when you have NO CLUE as to what your family medical history is), acknowledgment is another, dispite circumstance your Mum REALLY REAALLY carried them for nine months and gave birth to them they are not faking, you share DNA… enjoy it!!! what cooler science project is nature vs nurture? you will be happily surprised by the crazy weird things you do alike dispite having no interactions, you and your children share with them.
As for your kids, nothing beyond extra presents at Christmas and birthdays really matters, you said your family is large as it is, kids adapt, its what they do. I think that perpetuating the “family secret” with just make thing worse when they DO find out through the slip of tongue of your family gossip… transparency is key.
happily married (more or less) for the past 15+ years to a confident, professional woman who has many, many good and admirable qualities.
How is her being confident and professional relevant?
“More or less” huh? This statement is screaming for a “BUT…” at the end.
I agree with the substance of the advice, but am I the only one who would give more weight to my wife’s wishes? She might be wrong, but she’s my wife. Yes, I’d try to convince her that it is not a big deal, but if she were adamant I’d go along with her wishes.
Of course that will never happen, because everybody knows Japanese women are submissive and their husbands always get their way!
You and you wife need to humble yourselves. What if you were the product of the extramarital affair? Should you then be left out of your family? Dont lie to your children, it will do more damage than being honest and teaching them that humans are fallible and deserve to be loved.
This story makes me so incredibly sad. What our world needs is more love. And what better thing than to have more people in your life TO love and who can love YOU!
You cannot protect your children from everything, that is not realistic whatsoever! Your wife is being ridiculous, honestly. Your children may be on the internet one day and find this out themselves. Ever hear of 23 and me or Ancestry?
My daughter learned her dad fathered a baby in high school and she had a brother out there somewhere. She was upset but not because her dad wasn’t married, or young, or whatever. She was upset because she was never told!
My mother in her 70’s learned her grandfather died in a mental institution. 10 years later we have now learned she was never told the truth about her grandmother’s family and that her parents, sister (and cousins) lived in the same city. My mother literally had cousins she thought would have been in the old country but were less than an hour away.
My point being, stop with the family secrets, ancestry.com might just spill the beans down the road and then you’ll have to explain to your kids why you never told them they had an aunt, uncle, and cousins!
In the meantime, get to a well trained therapist who can help you figure out why you’re ok with being treated the way your wife is treating you, your mother, and your siblings. What you said she is doing is so horribly judgemental and self righteous and the is definitely not how to be a good partner!