What do I say to this woman if we end up going on a date and we end up clicking and she expects another date? If I keep her at arm’s length for two months, she’ll get fed up and think I’m not that interested. It sounds like I’m thinking too far ahead, but I’m going with the assumption that we may click.
Should I tell her that I don’t want to get into a relationship until I return from Europe? And should I tell her in person (on the first date)? Or should I just tell her on the dating site and not ask her out on a date at all? But then I run the risk of her losing interest in me which means the opportunity may be gone. My ideal scenario would be to start getting to know someone once I return from Europe. Can you please help? — Headed to Europe
Why are you active on a dating site if you aren’t interested in dating at the moment? You’re just looking to hook up, I guess? But you think you may “click” with this woman and may want more from her than just hooking up, but you don’t want to commit to anything until after you get back from Europe so that you can freely hook up with whomever you want while you’re away? Well, it sounds like you have no choice but to tell the woman before you meet up* that you won’t be available for dating until you get back from Europe in a couple months, OR you suck it up, give her a chance, maybe get emotionally tied down before you leave for your travels and then risk missing out on all that European hooking up.
You have to decide what’s a bigger risk for you: missing out on a potential great relationship with someone you click with or missing out on random sex with Europeans. You also have to weigh the likelihood of either of these possibilities coming to fruition. For example, if you aren’t someone who easily hooks up with a lot of women where you live, it’s not like your sex appeal is going to magically intensify just because you’re in Europe.
* You could also go out with the woman once and see whether you do, indeed, “click” and then decide how you want to proceed. But if you think there’s a good chance you won’t want to go on a second date and wind up starting something before your trip, the gentlemanly thing to do would be to spare her feelings and save her time and be upfront before you even meet.
Wendy, what do I do? Do I just get over it and kill them with kindness or do I just stop hosting these events? —
Ugh, they all sound awful, including your husband who thinks you should “just get over it” when his sister’s boyfriend makes offensive, racist comments about and to you and they both ignore you in your own home when you’re gracious enough to host. Your first priority should be getting your husband to understand how you feel, because he’s your partner, the person you share your life with, and he needs to be on your side in matters like these. I couldn’t imagine being married to someone who thought someone making racist comments about me under his breath was something I should just get over. He should be defending you! Instead, he welcomes the bigot into his home, no big deal? Hard no. You need him to understand how disrespectful and hurtful both the comments, as well as his (non)reaction to them, are.
And in the meantime, Christmas is months away, and maybe the bigot boyfriend won’t be in the picture any longer by the time it rolls around. If he is, and you feel tempted to host a get-together, you’ll have to weigh your options: have a party but exclude your SIL and her boyfriend, which will almost certainly cause more drama with your husband and his family; host a party and do your best to ignore the SIL and the bigot boyfriend (easier said than done when you’re the host and they’re your guests); or host the party and be gracious to the bigot, modeling what a class act looks like. Which scenario gives you the least anxiety?
If you do decide to host, I would hang this sign on your door, and if the bigot says anything derogatory, I would tell him that those kinds of remarks are not tolerated in your home and, if he’d like to continue making them, he’s welcome to leave. Set that clear boundary and, if it’s crossed, make the consequences known. You will probably only have to do that once before the message is received.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.