23andMe
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I had bought myself a kit in the summer and I mentioned on the holiday gift thread that i had bought my brothers and my dad 23andMe kits. I ended up giving them the kits last month as i thought waiting till Christmas meant it would take forever for them to get their results.
When mine came back it didn’t list some of the stuff i expected but i assumed that’s because i was focusing on my father’s paternal side and maybe he contributed more of his maternal side. Well this Saturday, my brothers and my dad all got their results and as i’m looking at my brothers’ i see the stuff i was expecting in mine but didn’t have.
Long story, not made very short, it turns out that my brothers’ are my half siblings my dad isn’t my dad. I’m in shock. They’ve all said the right things and my father claims he didn’t know (but i have doubts). My mother passed about 5 years ago without ever telling me. I ended up contacting an old friend of hers as well as my grandmother who both stated she knew and i got very little information on who my bio dad is (no name).
I don’t know what advice i’m asking (i’m sorry this is so long) i just feel like i’ve had a paradigm shift and am fitting new words into the narrative of my identity that i wasn’t expecting. I also feel some betrayal that not even on her literal death bed did she tell me the truth. For what it’s worth (which i think is a lot) my dad was in the delivery room when i was born and also put his name on my birth certificate.
I’m sorry, CurlyQue, this must be very hard for you. I think you might benefit from therapy, especially to work through these feelings of betrayal you now have towards your mother.
Perhaps she didn’t tell you because she was ashamed and afraid that you would judge her or hate her. Maybe she didn’t want news of her betrayal to get back to your father and cause him pain. Maybe she didn’t want to cause you pain. Maybe she worried this news would change your relationship with your father. Maybe there are bad memories surrounding your bio-dad and/or your conception, and she blocked it out, or thought she was protecting you by preventing you from learning the truth and trying to find him. Maybe it was a combination of some or all of those things.
I think that despite your doubts, it’s likely your father had no idea, otherwise I would have expected him to be reluctant for you all to do these tests. He is probably also in shock and struggling with this revelation. I hope you will stay close and support one another through this. I’m sure you know this, but it’s worth saying that the man who put his name on your birth certificate and raised you is your father. The fact that he’s not your biological father doesn’t change that.
Perhaps family counseling would be helpful to guide you all through this.
What Lucidity said. I’m sorry you found out about this from a test rather than your mom who could have answered your questions. Chin up, as we say around here all the time: blood doesn’t make a family, love does—and you seem to have a lot of that surrounding you.
Wow. This must be a confusing time for you… that said — I would trust your father’s word on this. If he knew the truth — why did he not try to head off this gift suggestion from you? I love playing Devil’s Advocate, but I can think of no motive for him to BOT bring this up to you somehow once everybody was excited about taking dna tests… I suspect he may be blindsided as well…
Thank you guys for your compassion. The story has always been that my parents met and my father followed her home, that i was the product of their first night and then they waited a couple years (till my mother was pregnant with my brother) to get married. I knew my birth certificate didn’t list him at first and then he added his name but i don’t remember the timeline i was told for this.
My bio dad was apparently a coworker she had seen a few times, and she knew she was pregnant prior to meeting my dad. …I feel a bit like those birds that leave their eggs in other birds’ nest to raise, like my dad was tricked. It’s one of the reasons i kind of hope he was just blindsided and answered with the easiest route at first.
My grandmother knew i was doing the kits and she never said a word until after i found out. Saying she wanted to tell me not to do them but knew i’d then ask why.
Logically i know this doesn’t really change my family and that i’m very lucky to have the loving support network that i do. Re the bio, there’s not much i can think to do except for maybe to do ancestry’s since they may have a bigger network of people to connect with. I’m just shell shocked and it’s helpful to talk out loud about it to someone that’s not part of it.
I also want to add that I am sorry you found out this way and I am sorry you don’t get the chance to talk to your mom about it. I also agree that if your dad knew, he would not have let you get the tests.
One extra point I will make. I am an adoptive parent. My son is young and we have an open adoption. However, I strongly believe that parenthood is who shows up every day and raises you. While you have another man out there, it was your mom and your dad who were there for tuck ins and feedings and being at your school plays. People will make pretty tone deaf comments to me about my son’s real mom, and I say that I am his real mom because I am the one there day in and day out. It is normal to be curious but it doesn’t change anything about your relationship with your dad.
I hope you can work through this.
Its also still very possible that your mom simply slept with both men in rapid succession — god knows I have on occasion — and only began to question your paternity as time went on.
With this additional information, I’m wondering if your dad maybe had some inkling that there was a chance he wasn’t your bio-dad, but put his name on the birth certificate because he loved your mom and knew he would love you, too.
You are not a cuckoo bird. You are part of the family you were supposed to be born into, and I’m certain that your father and brothers love you and are grateful you are in their lives, regardless.
Good luck with Ancestry.
This is mind blowing. But, it really changes nothing about who you are CurlyQue. It may change how you view your parents and their decisions, but it doesn’t change the fact that your father and your mother loved you, cared for you, were there for you and give you the life narrative that you’ve had for your entire life. You’re still you. Your dad is still your dad. Your mom is still your mom. Maybe they’re a little more flawed. Maybe a bit more human. But, what you’ve known, who you are? That’s still real.
This seems to be a more common discovery than one might think. I keep reading stories about this happening again and again.
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So much so I hear they might rebrand the company as 23andMess.
Really is happening more and more. My cousin is huge into the dna stuff and last year found out our grandpa had a daughter 9 years prior to having my aunt with my nana. They weren’t together yet and so not as scandalous as some of the stories but my mom finding out she had a half sister was pretty mind blowing. My grandpa passed when mom was 17 and we all are pretty sure he had NO idea (it was kept fairly hush hush from what little we gather) but still.. crazy
