Am I being a spoiled bride?
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My Husband and I eloped last year and had a beautiful tiny ceremony in my in-law’s backyard with close friends and family who live in our home state. My husband wanted a big wedding to celebrate, but I needed insurance after leaving a toxic job, and my father-in-law is in his mid eighties so we wanted to do a secret elopement before revealing to our other friends and family at our “big” wedding that it’s actually our first anniversary.
Months before, when we got engaged, we reached out to friends that we wanted to be our groomsmen and bridesmaids. I have 2 maids of honor, my 15 year old cousin as one, but because of her age I also asked my friend of 14 years. That friend has pretty bad anxiety, but before I formally asked her to be my MOH, I reassured her that if it would be too much pressure, she could be a bridesmaid instead or even a guest, whichever fit her comfort level. She agreed she would be fine with the role. Out of the 5 friends I’ve chosen to be in my party (2 moh, 3 bridesmaids) One has been the best help I could ever imagine. Another lives in florida and is super busy, but has been super supportive and seems excited. My moh told me after the fact that she will not make a speech for me, due to her anxiety, and also will not help with anything as far as bachelorette or bridal shower. Another bridesmaid who was initially upset she wasn’t MOH, but hadnt been nice to my husband during the beginning of my relationship with him, also told me she will not do a speech, because “Thats the hardest job, and the one no one wants.”
From the get-go, I explained that financially we could not afford to transport anyone, or pay for the outfits. Now 5 months before the wedding, I’m being told by the “no one wants to make a speech” bridesmaid that she’s not entirely sure she can swing this financially, as far as coming because she lives out of state. Aside from 2 of my bridesmaids and my 15 year old cousin, no one seems to care about their roles or helping me with anything. My husband has a best man and 4 groomsman to match my number of moh/bridesmaids, and it’s breaking my heart to see how wonderful they are for him and how excited they are to celebrate our special day when I have absolute crickets on my side. I’m worried when the wedding comes around, it will look extremely awkward when it comes to the bridal party. These are all of the friends I have that truly know me, so replacing them isn’t possible… Am I being selfish in expecting some support from people who initially agreed they would?
You’re not being selfish, but you may need to recalibrate your definition of support.
With all the events surrounding weddings, it’s easy to judge your friends’ love and support of you by whether they step up and do those highly visible things like throwing you a bachelorette party and giving a speech. It’s even harder when you’re comparing what they’re doing to the groomsmen.
Your friends have legitimate reasons for not being able to do these things – your cousin is young, your friend struggles with anxiety, your other friend has financial concerns (she doesn’t sound like a great friend overall though). It sucks to find this out so close to the wedding, but financial situations can change suddenly, or often people really want to make it work or feel ashamed, which keeps them from saying anything early on.
Can you focus instead on the less visible but just as important kinds of support? Do they support your relationship with your husband and are they happy for you? Do they make time to listen and talk with you about your wedding plans? Will they attend your bridal shower and bachelorette if they’re able? Will they stand up with you while you’re saying your vows?
Listen – nobody at your wedding will think the bridal party looks “extremely awkward” if the number of attendants don’t match or if no bridesmaid makes a speech. Nobody is paying attention to stuff like that. They’re looking at you and the groom, thinking about themselves and how they look, and wondering when the bar opens. Have two groomsmen walk in with one bridesmaid, I’ve seen that done a bunch of times. Can one/both of your parents make a speech? Can your friend with anxiety write a speech and have one of your more outgoing friends or relatives read it for her? What about one of those enthusiastic groomsmen? I could see some great humorous moments coming out of having a male groomsmen read a female bridesmaid’s speech.
Congratulations on your wedding – and on your one-year anniversary!
This is confusing because you said one of these women is the best help you could ever imagine and then you said two of them plus your cousin, so 3 of them, are helpful. But then you said it’s absolute crickets.
Youre not being selfish in expecting support from people who initially agreed to be in your bridal party. It’s understandable to feel disappointed and hurt that some of your bridesmaids are not fulfilling the roles they agreed to. However, it’s important to remember that everyone has their own lives and responsibilities, and not everyone may have the same level of enthusiasm or commitment to your wedding as you do.
Instead of focusing on what your bridesmaids are not doing, try to appreciate and thank the ones who are being supportive. Consider reaching out to each bridesmaid individually to express how much you value their friendship and appreciate their presence in your wedding. It’s also a good idea to have a clear conversation with each bridesmaid about their expectations and limitations, especially when it comes to finances and other commitments.
If you’re worried about how the bridal party will look on your wedding day, try to focus on the positive aspects of your wedding and the love you and your husband share. Remember that your wedding is about celebrating your love and commitment to each other, and not about the bridal party.
I’m a little confused too. You say: “Aside from 2 of my bridesmaids and my 15 year old cousin, no one seems to care about their roles or helping me with anything.” You have five people, and three seem to care (one, you say, is the best help you can imagine) and yet you are framing this as “no one seems to care about their roles or helping me with anything.” It sounds like you need a wee attitude adjustment and change in perspective. This is a happy occasion! You’ve got at least three people out of five in your bridal party who are showing the support you want. You’ve got two who are being kinda lame, and that’s too bad, but it’s not the end of the world. What is it you need help with exactly? Where are you feeling a lack? Can you delegate some specific tasks that will help you? Can you simplify things to make it easier on your support people? If nothing else, you can adjust your expectations.
Listen, I didn’t have a bridal party at all because I didn’t want to put that pressure on anyone. I asked literally nothing of any of my friends and family and I did all the planning myself (with my husband) and we DIY’d a lot of our wedding because we were on such a tight budget. And guess what? It was the best day! We had such a wonderful time and felt really supportive. Without being asked, a couple friends helped me with the flowers (I have experience in floral design and elected to do the flowers myself), helping me carry the arrangements to the venue the night before. Two friends gave speeches. I had two small bachelorette parties (one was literally just me and two other gals in NYC and then my friends in Chicago surprised me with a beach-side picnic on my last visit there before the wedding). The thing was, I didn’t expect any of this. Remember, I never gave anyone “roles” or anything, and no one was under any obligation to do anything. When friends care, they show up in ways that they can and want to. Let your friends show up for you in ways they can and want to, and understand that those ways may not be exactly what you are envisioning or hoping for, but the spirit in which they show up is what matters. Let them show their love for you their own way, and appreciate whatever that may look like.
I think you are being a bit much. You’ve been married for a year. Money is tight for you and for some in your wedding party. It sounds like your out-of-state friend may be more strapped for cash than she expected when she accepted your invitation to be part of your bridal party. I fully understand why you had to have a small wedding a year ago. I understand you now want a bigger event with all those you and your husband wished you could have at your wedding. But.. you’re already married now. What you are scheduling is really a reception/party/annniversary celebration, not an actual wedding. Given that, I think you shouldn’t be pushing for all the trappings like a bachelorette party and bridal shower. You are asking a lot of your wedding party, If you think of this event as a married couple reaffirming their vows and celebrating their first anniversary, and having the reception with those who couldn’t attend the actual wedding, your perspective will match the doable.
It’s a year later, why not just lose the pressure and not have a fake wedding, and just have a big party?
Sorry if that’s too out of left field but if you don’t want the stress and drama, might I suggest-don’t have the stress and drama. You’ve already had the beautiful and meaningful ceremony. Have the big reception and lose the boring stuff that’s causing all this.
“before revealing to our other friends and family at our “big” wedding that it’s actually our first anniversary.”
I wouldn’t do this. You need to be upfront with everyone, especially the wedding party. You can finesse the differing numbers of your and your husband’s bridesmaids/groomsmen. Since this isn’t actually a wedding, one of he groomsmen can be the officiant — you don’t need someone licensed to conduct a wedding, if you’re married. Since your household has been established for a year, you can just have dinner at a restaurant you like with all of the wedding party, in place of a shower, bachelor/bachelorette event — if you want something more than a dinner, go to a concert, show, even bowling together.
If you keep the secret that this is your anniversary, and go whole hog like this is your actual wedding, I fear you will create some bad feelings, with some of your guests feeling that you have manipulated them and not all feeling the secret anniversary is as cute as you and husband view it.
That you are already married was the first thing that struck me when I read this. I think pushing the subterfuge of this being THE wedding and expecting/pushing people to act accordingly is causing you stress. I also think it may annoy and upset some guests and cause rifts.
I like Ron’s idea. Tell everyone you are secret spouses and invite them to a big casual gathering,activity or party…with no expectations of ritual or gifts etc. Just for the fun of it you could wear your wedding gown/outfit to the bowling or movies…That you are already married was the first thing that struck me when I read this. I think pushing the subterfuge of this being THE wedding and expecting/pushing people to act accordingly is causing you stress. I also think it may annoy and upset some guests and cause rifts.
I like Ron’s idea. Tell everyone you are secret spouses and invite them to a big casual gathering,activity or party…with no expectations of ritual or gifts etc. Just for the fun of it you could wear your wedding gown/outfit to the bowling or movies…The wedding party knows, they were all aware and/or at the elopement (The ones who are in town). The only people who don’t know are extended family/friends.
For better context, we had already booked this venue and planned our wedding before we made the decision to elope. The only reason for the elopement was because I had gotten a new job that did not offer insurance, and I was in desperate need of it.
When I say that my feelings are hurt by a few of my bridesmaids, I feel like I haven’t explained the situation well enough so maybe I can explain it better now.
MOH- My best friend of 14 years. I love her and we used to be inseparable. When I started dating, she grew distant because of her anxiety and told me she didnt want to ruin my “new life” or be a burden and “interrupt” us. I want to make it clear that when I started dating my husband, I made SURE to spend time with my friends still (one on one time, etc) and it definitely WAS NOT a “I have a bf now, I’m busy” situation. Since we have been friends for so long, I wanted to make sure that she would feel comfortable. The last thing I wanted was to put her in a situation where she was overly anxious. So I asked her if she wanted to be my moh, or a bridesmaid, or just a guest. I was totally fine with any of her decisions. But I asked her well in advance what was in her comfort zone, and once I asked everyone I planned on asking, she started tell me she was anxious about it and doesn’t want to say anything, etc. However, she still wants the role. My feelings are hurt because I found out about this so late and I was trying to be proactive.
MOH- 15 year old cousin. She is practically my little sister. I originally planned on her being my only MOH, but didnt want to hurt the previous friend’s feelings, and my aunt asked if it would be alright if she was a co-moh cuz of her age and said that usually the MOH will help get drinks for the bride and she didn’t want me to miss out on that. (My aunt’s words, not mine. Not an expectation of mine, just wanted to follow my aunt’s request)
Bridesmaid “M”- An old coworker of mine who is one of my closest friends. She’s the only one of my friends who lives in the state that has always been super supportive of my husband and I since the beginning. She has been helping me make all of the decorations/fake flower bouquets, etc, because we ARE doing this wedding on as much of a budget as we can. She went dress shopping with me (my dress is a used dress, with all proceeds going to charity) and has been hyping me and my husband up about the wedding. If the MOH would have refused the position, I would’ve asked her instead.
Bridesmaid “B”- A very close friend of mine, out of state, who was jealous of my husband when we started because I was more or less in a relationship with her before. She claimed she wasn’t interested in me, so I told her I was going to shoot my shot with a guy I was interested in. She told me to go for it, then was upset when it worked out and I fell in love with him. It’s been a rough few years figuring out our friendship again but I thought we were finally in a good place. She agreed to be a bridesmaid but now 5 months before is telling me she might not be able to come. The context that I’m frustrated over is that she just went on a vacation and spent $2k on uber and fun dinners, etc with a friend. She also has another trip planned next month, and just quit her job. I’m hurt because she is choosing these other trips over the wedding of her friend, which she has known about for over a year, and is telling me 5 months before. She lives at home, and doesn’t have bills, for more context.
Bridesmaid “R”- Dear friend of mine who lives out of state. She’s very, very busy, but very excited to be a part of everything.
Again, no one was forced into these “roles”. I didn’t slap a role on everyone and demand that they do things for me. I’m hurt because 2 of my bridesmaids won’t even talk to me about my wedding, answer me, or reach out to me. I’m trying to be excited. I’m hurt when I see my husbands friends being excited with him, all of them, when I feel like a burden a few of mine.
This wedding isn’t to “trick” everyone. We eloped for insurance reasons, after booking a venue, booking a photographer, booking a dj, etc. This is a wedding we both want, and planned for (and paid for!), we just had to elope a little early due to emergency. My husbands siblings all live out of state, and weren’t able to attend our elopement, so this is important to them and us to get a chance to finally celebrate.
More context, I HAVE tried reaching out to my friends, and I have been telling them how much I love and appreciate them. I’m not getting responses from my friends I’ve known the longest, so I’m hurt. Hope this explains more. Yes, our immediate families, groomsman and bridesmaids are aware that we eloped.
